Very nice read, Joanne. Your eye for the technical, the minute details, is very acute. And great premise. Dialogue driven stories such as this make for a very easy, very quick read. Especially when it's done well, like yours. Very tightly packed story. Even the narrative is given in a very nice bare-bones manner; every sentence, every word counts toward some part of the tale. Not one ounce of fat. :)
I've only read the first two chapters so far, Joanne, but this book stays on my shelf for now. Thanks for sharing.
BACKED and shelved.
Gerry (Shakespeare's Talking Head) who, in retrospect, should've used a much shorter name. ;)
Dropcloth Angels

The prologue is chilling, like the poetry of Hell - excellent work.
Then we're off, straight into the drama and the scene is set.
Some nice writing - good, believable rapport between the characters. The whole story put me in mind of the film 'Kiss the Girls', which is no bad thing. :)

The author makes us feel for her characters, as only good writers can. The contrast between the very human relations between the decent, ordinary characters and the insidious, hateful and hate-filled 'voice' of the killer makes for a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

This is a great, credible and thrilling read - the type of fiction which often makes for a superbly exciting movie; it already makes for a superb (and hopefully published) novel. Excellent storytelling, Jo. :) Backed, of course.

The professional pitch drew me in, the excellent manuscript kept me reading. The prose are tight, not a wasted word and the dialogue is almost perfect. Your technical knowledge is believable and the characters seem true to life. You are a talented writer. Nice job.

Amazingly well written.
Smacks of a pro author.
It deserves commercial success, is probably one of the best books on here.
Good luck

JanB
Table for One

Ok. I need answers. I LOVE this book and need to know the end. this is not a want to know situation. This is a NEED TO KNOW SITUATION! I mean from the rest of the book you seem like a happily ever after writer but sometimes, even Disney sneaks in a tear jerker. BTW your writing is very professional. The voice is clear and that you can change from character to character is a remarkable talent. I am a 1st person kind of girl so anyone who has your gift amazes me. You should be published in no time.

Missy

I backed this yeterday and shelved it to read. I'm into it now, and its is holding attention nicely - lol.

I see it dropped a spot, but that is surely only temporary.

I'll finish it today, and comment more

I'm three chapters in so far and it's absolutely delicious. I look forward to consuming more very soon.

I just read the first chapter; I am hooked and will read more. Your writing is excellent.

Backed.

AJ (Haunting Memories)

Joanne, I'm currently on Chapter 6 but I had to stop and tell you that I'm thoroughly enjoying this - and I'm one of those people who steers clear of crime because I'm lilly-livered and I'll end up sleeping with the lights on. But this I couldn't put down. The prologue is -and there's no other way I can put it - sick. Confronted with such blatant psychosis, how could I not read on? Your plot is sovereign and you do a marvellous job of directing the reader through your characters' dialogues and their observations. You have a great eye for detail - both technical details and little emotional nuances that you use to distinguish Chelsea in particular. I could identify with her immediately and as the story unfolds I'm actually finding myself worried about her and what she's about to stumble into. My favourite bit so far is the tragically ironic bit on the balcony where Chelsea resolves to start her life anew while at that very moment elsewhere her friend's life is coming to an end.
Although they haven't gotten together at the stage of the book that I'm currently reading, I'm rooting for her to finally meet Lucas and find love again and I'm itching to find out if Lucas can get it together or whether he's going to lose it and her. I can't wait to see how all the puzzle pieces fit together.

This is very very good!

I love your style. The ability to have your readers visualize the story you are telling is a gift. You have taken a suspenseful, dark tale and polished flawlessly with your amazing gift. Thank you for sharing it with us.

H Leigh Cornwell
(Blood Descent)

I only had time to read a chapter, I thought, and then suddenly I was at chapter 5! Can't wait to finish the rest. WHY is this not published so I can just read it on my way to work tomorrow???? (on the subway, not in a car...) An obvious back!

This is a good read, with a very strong foundation. There are a few things that would really polish it up, a few places that the prose could be tighter or that the emotion could be underlined.

Overall, though, the story really captures me and I wanted to keep reading to find out what happens next. Keep polishing, working, etc. This book can be absolutely excellent.

Backed with pleasure.

Courtney
The Watcher's Daughter

This is excellent. I especially like your meticulous attention to detail. Your style of writing is superb and you paint a terrific, yet horrifying, picture of the victims. I have only read one chapter but definitely plan to both back and read more.

Sash/Smurphgirl
A Crack in the Wind

Hi Jo, I'll admit, I didn't read too much of this as I find it hard to read about women being violated and murdered (it seems every other book I've looked at on here over the past couple of days has opened with a serial killer seething about the 'bitch' he was about to do dreadful things to!) but what I did read was well written. I'm sure you'll get to the fabled desk - good luck when you do. All the best, Heather.

Spoilt is perfectly paced and held my atttention. This is one brilliant thriller. I only read up till Chaper Four, however Lucas is a good character, he's real. It would be hard for anyone to sleep after the things he experienced. Your writing voice is strong and keeps me guessing. I wish I had wrote this novel myself.
Best Wishes and I hope this book find it's way to the E Desk. Backed.

Peony
A Date With Fortune

Your pitch is a killer. Um, pun intended? It's parallel sentence structure that struck me. Speaking of things striking me, I haven't been able to pinpoint how you do it, but you seem to accomplish both tactile and visual imagery at the same time. The novel starts off with plenty of the former then tapers off to the latter, which is very often the most common kind, but somehow you maintain the atmosphere that the reader is FEELING the action above all else.

Wonderfully done.

-Terry (Happy Birthday, Zach)

Fantastic book by a supremely gifted author. Wonderful writing, Jo. :)

My favourite kind of writing: to the point, pared down, giving nothing but what is necessary. love it. Fast read, with lots of good dialogue. My only grips, and it's minor, is that I wasn't keen on the font, made the words swim on the screen for me, but otherwise I can't fault it - very professional. Backed.

Ferdi

Not bad. Definite signs of talent. I would rank the author as around fifty per cent ready. The author did succeed in pulling me somewhat into the story.

The lack of proper grammar kept bumping me back out of the story. Lack of commas. Not catching compound adjectives. In the first chapter: "still-cold limbs, long-forgotten yet familiar, taped-off scene, mid-twenties, glove-handed, far-off thoughts, self-imposed solitary life". Run-on sentences: "This case was different. It was affecting him."

In the last paragraph of the first chapter, there is a POV shift, from inside Dave's head to inside Libby's head.

My $0.02. As always, I speak with the calm confidence of someone who has never sold a word.

Thrilling. This is a great read, it has everything; sex, murder, strong characters and believable dialogue. How can you go wrong.

That sex scene in Chapter 15 is damn steamy. I love the way you transition between chapter 14 and 15 also, really makes you want to turn the page and continue reading.

A small typo error in Chapter 15 "Chelsea opened her lips and emitted a loud moaned", should just be moan.

Best of luck with this! You're almost on that editors desk!

Backed.

Tim H
Hellbound

P.S. Good to see another Aussie on here. My wife loves The Bronze Horseman series as well, but I'm yet to read it.

Thrilling. This is a great read, it has everything; sex, murder, strong characters and believable dialogue. How can you go wrong.

That sex scene in Chapter 15 is damn steamy. I love the way you transition between chapter 14 and 15 also, really makes you want to turn the page and continue reading.

A small typo error in Chapter 15 "Chelsea opened her lips and emitted a loud moaned", should just be moan.

Best of luck with this! You're almost on that editors desk!

Backed.

Tim H
Hellbound

P.S. Good to see another Aussie on here. My wife loves The Bronze Horseman series as well, but I'm yet to read it.

This deserves to be published - it's definitely one I'd recommend to my book club!

Really enjoyed it.

Backed.

Ibby (Near MIss)

This deserves to be published - it's definitely one I'd recommend to my book club!

Really enjoyed it.

Backed.

Ibby (Near MIss)

You are an accomplished writer and this is a good tale. Your MC is a well-rounded character who soon elicits a response from your reader. Yes, this is a crowded genre but they all are! Life is a lottery but I am happy to support you in your drive for wider recognition. Good luck with this, Jim D Serpent's Blood.
ps I get to be number 600! Whuuh!

HI Joanne, I certainly found your opening chapter very convincing with your good grasp of detective lingo, and the procedure for visiting a new crime scene etc. You also have some really unique turns of phrase, like "he shoved himself back to reality." It's also not a bad idea to have a male cop working with a hot female cop to help develop reader's interest and expectations for a BIG scene sex (hopefully). I will read on to find out who the killer is and whether Lucas goes "over the edge" or finds safety in the loving arms of Maggie.

Mike

The Lime-Green Scream

You've got a nice writing style, Joanne. I enjoyed what I read and the voice carried me through from scene to scene. I'll be backing this.

Hudson seemed a little squeamish for a seasoned detective. I appreciate there's "something" in his past eating at him, but I would have liked some details on that a little sooner. The scene where the detectives tell the sister that Kate is dead didn't work for me. It seemed rushed and a little unrealistic. The dialog was fine, the emotion just seemed off. To me, anyways.

My only other concern is that while this is shaping up to be a nice thriller, there isn't anything really unique about it. That and 66K seems a little short for the genre. Best of luck with it.

Sorry it took me so long to add my comments; the past week has been rather emotionally draining for some work/home issues and I've been unable to catch up on my read commitments. Still, better late than never, right? So here it goes...

Chap 1
I like the pacing...doesn't feel rushed but moves along at a nice clip without getting bogged down. Dialogue is sharp, as I would expect from cops at a crime scene.

Chap 2
Waving...waved rather close together (as Chelsea is driving away).

I really like--maybe that's not the right word; howabout 'appreciate'--that the detectives have to deal with the grieving relative. I think I might have wanted to see a little more grieving/dealing before getting into the interrogation, but that's just because I found that moment refreshing; a lot of the crime stories I've read treat the victims as disposable playing pieces. However this scene goes a long way toward humanizing the victims. So yes, I'd love to see more of it, but that's a personal thing and is by no means absolutely necessary.

I did notice that the detectives did not provide any real info as to the death; not even that it was a murder. Amy would probably demand to know something more.

Chap 3
The first few paragraphs of this chapter are particularly well-written. The pacing slows--just a little--but that's in keeping with the setting/environment and what you're trying to do at this stage of the story.

Yes, as I finish this chapter I find this to be a particularly well-written stretch. You handle the dialogue very well; all quite believable. If I were to stretch--and I mean reeaaalllly stretch to find a nitpick--it'd be that your physical descriptions of the characters didn't flow as naturally in with the rest of the writing; that perhaps you could ease those descriptions into the text a little more gently. But seriously, I'm stretching only because if I don't find SOMETHING to nitpick on you'll think this is just another 'OMG this Rockz pls read mine now' type of review.

The first three chapters of Spoilt suggests you've got a nice, well-rounded thriller in the works here. Well done.

Great concept here. I read the first chapter--it read very quickly. I have a few suggestions if you are open (and I mean, take it with a grain of salt, you are number 6 on this site!!!)

Look into "emphasis" to create sentences and paragraphs that are more powerful
Vary sentence lengths a bit more.
Look at your dialogue alone. Do the character's voices all sound unique to them?
During the phone conversation, consider giving a bit more. Add some attributes to those lines. You can use voice inflection, or the actions of the POV character while they talk. Not every dialogue line needs something, but I think adding some voice there might help. vary sentence starters so there isn't a lot of He, She, His, His, His.

The pace of the story is excellent, and the concept is wonderful, but I think a few small changes would add to the emotion of this piece. Also give us a little more about the POV character. Something more than just how the job effects him. Who is he, aside from this job? If his job consumers him, is there anything he has lost in the past because of that? You don't have to tell it all now, you may have stuff like that in the story, but hinting at it will make the character come to life more.

I hope this helps! If you make any revisions let me know, I'll come back and give it another read :) I love murder-mystery type stories, and this one sounds like it has a good premise. :)

Joanne,

A very nice job of setting the mood of the environment, we're instantly transported to the boiler room atmosphere of being a homicide detective and the hazards thereof. A frequent problem I had was the amount of borderline redundant dialogue. Just as a for example, in Chapter 10 we have a little lunch between the detectives and they go back and forth about their eating habits for six lines or something when a quick wink and nod between would probably show that this is a discussion they've had before and the hazards of being out of shape on the job. The first person sequences describing the killer's mindset and background are compelling and give us a look at his background in an economical way.

Good luck. Backed.

Kevin Walter
Year of the Blue Snow

I love the desperate Detective - and the killer seems a bit scary! hehe - nice touches on the dialogue and paragraphing - an all round enjoyable read :)
Backed!

In a genre that is simply overrun with absolute crap, reading this is a nice breath of fresh air. From the opening sentences you took us in to that dark twisted world. There's really not much I can say that hasn't been said.

Chilling, intense, well constructed.

Shelved.
Sam

Love your dialogue. Very realistic.

The first two paragraphs confused me. First he seems to want to be rid of the images then he’s holding on to them?

The first paragraph bothered me too because it sounds so passive and feels full of fillers. “While”, “which lived”, “attempted to”.

This kept bothering me throughout, the more passive forms vs. active, lots of filler words. In what should have been a pretty gripping scene, I wasn’t gripped. To a lesser degree too many adjectives and adverbs were distracting.

But best of luck with this!

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

Ms Ellis, I've read your prologue and opening chapter. Good writing. Easy to follow. Nothing to nitpick about.

Shelved!

Joffrey

Joanne...Joanne...What a gripping story you have here. Lucas is an excellent MC. He is easy to visualize and relate to, and his emotions and personality come clear to the reader. The end of Chapter 1 is skillfully done, leaving the reader (me) wanting more. They will read on, as I did. I've read up to Chapter 6 thus far, and still find myself turning (virtual) pages. Very well done. Backed 100%!

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Blast you, Jo. I can't evaluate whether I find him attractive now I keep picturing Josh Hartnett :-) Actually, no, I do think he's a bit of a pet. I read through to the end of chapter 6 and the only point I came up with that jarred me was in that chapter where he goes overboard about Chelsea - it was spread on a bit too thick for me there, but remember Harlequin romance gives me hives! Apart from that, I loved it! Very readable, and he's cute.

This is sooo my kind of story! I will be back to finish it and leave a better comment than 'I love it'. Backed.

this is very sharp and tight, I am tempted to say parts of it struck me as cold blooded except that you managed to make Lucas so sympathetic right from the start. Believable genuine sounding dialogue and a host of realistic characters. I would like to read this in a hard copy and when I had lots of time. Your writing is very, accomplished and the story flows along like a river in flood. I am happy to back this and I note that you are getting way on up there so good luck indeed. - Diane

Joanne,
I've owed you a read for quite a while - sorry for the delay.
'Spoilt' has a lot going for it. The chillingly prologue, for one. You also increase the tension by introducing several young woment early on - all potential victims, but which one's next? Lucas' background is woven in smoothly, with just enough loose ends to keep the reader wondering what happened: but the big question is 'what's the motive?'

However, the problem I see here is that there are a lot of serial-killer novels around - quite a lot here on authonomy - and in order to really stand out, your story needs something that makes it very distinctive and indivdual. The prologue, the killers unusual MO and motivation, move in that direction, but personally I think it needs a bit more.

There are a number of ways you might go about doing that. I wouldn't at all want to tell you how to write your story, but perhaps I can suggest some examples of the sort of things I mean, from Authonomy.

Jared's book, 'Mummy's Boy', matches a frightingly efficient killer not against an experienced cop but a young private investigator who lacks self-confidence. In 'The Ghost Wirter', B J Winters has a MC who writes novels that include descriptions of murders. Toby Neals books have an exotic Hawaiian background. Another one I read, which I can't remember just now, has the MC doing target practice in their office!

All these things are ways of making the story individual and making them stick in the mind. I think that something like that would lift your book from being good - which it is - to being good and memorable!

Of course, this is just my point of view! I hesitated a long time before adding this comment, since I am not a critic either by profession or nature! I just hope that something in it may be helpful. And I will be putting your book on my shelf as well!

Excellent. This is as close to publish-ready as anything I've seen yet on the site. The writing is very tight and polished, the characters distinguish themselves and come alive immediately, and the action sets off at a good pace from the onset. It's a page turner, for sure. I don't normally read thrillers, but I could imagine this would do really, really well with your target audience.

This book just snaps. The verve, clarity and polish of the writing is very professional
Backed.

This is very good. I have been surprised at the fabulous books I've been (haha) spoilt with recently. books I can't think of a bad or critical thing to say. One thing about Spoilt is you don't seem to be following the typical partner stereotypes - one drunk, strong woman, eventually fall into bed. Hoping this doesn't as this really has something going for it. It's a very visual book, and I could see this as a movie as I read. The pitch shows a little of what;s going on in the murderers head, but I'm going to have to scan a few chapters to read for myself.
Yet another book I wish I could put on a permanent spot on my shelf. They just don't give us enough spaces.

Very well written with some particularly good characterisation. An engrossing story off to a good start. Backed.

Superbly addictive writing that dragged me along, almost too scared to read what came next, but unable to stop myself. This is highly recommended. I might have to read the whole thing.

If it was me [which it ain’t] I would change ‘the hollow pain which lived’ into pain living in’ as it seems wordy the other way. It distracted me.

I’ve already backed this before but it won’t hurt to advertise it again on my shelf.

Blink and yer’ll miss it!
:0)

Excellent writing, and very believeable dialogue, you get the emotions across very well too, which can sometimes be difficult. Very well thought out scenes, and well paced too, it remains reasonably fast paced, without cutting out the detail which is always hard to do, so very well done. and an excellent read.

happy to back this.

Joanne, you write very well and I've read the first three chapters...but this is the third in a row today where women have been carved up and violently murdered and that's a smuch as I can take! I'm not fond of violent stories but I do recognise you ability and for those who enjoy this genre, I'll back it and wish you luck. But wish the world didn't want to carve women up so much.!!

Great start! Classic thriller with nice insight into the emotions of your protagonist. You dew me in quickly and kept my interest throughout. Shelved.

Below are my nits and thoughts as I read:

“She too will taste the feeling of nothingness.” I wonder if this wouldn’t be better as simply, “She too will taste nothingness.”

“Lucas attempted to shake off his nightmare...” A perfectly adequate sentence, but I wonder if it’s not strong enough for the first sentence in your book? It’s passive and a little stumbly, particularly the first part, “Lucas attempted to shake off…” I wouldn’t mention it normally, but the first sentence is so important.

Nice dramatic start though. You definitely have my attention.

“…attempted to force…” Again, the word attempted is usually passive and unnecessary.

“…for a moment…” I use this phrase quite a bit, then take it out whenever I see it. It’s useful only rarely. Most other times it is just extra baggage in a sentence.

Snappy dialogue. ++

“..at her throat a gaping smile remained where here throat had once been.” Perhaps, “at her neck a gaping smile…”?

Nice to see his emotions.

“Can you imagine what they would be listening to?” Nice detail. Well, not nice but … you know what I mean ;)

Cheers!

Roberto Calas
The Beast of Maug Maurai.

Hi Jo, Just read the opening chapter but I have watchlisted it and I definitely want to read this one in its entirety.
I am also working on a similar concept, and I might get some ideas from your writing. Your use of language is excellent. I'd appeciate your views on my little fairytale.
If i have one criticism, it would be the font size and spacing. Otherwise, fine.
Gerry

Great title, sharp pitch, and the poetic nastiness of the prologue... This is fine stuff, and once we get into the main narrative it's never going to be easy to get out of it again. Your writing has energy, edge and charisma. It's a good story, but it's also craft of a very high standard. Best of luck with this.

Ivan

Hi Jo, I got to read the first couple of chapters so far, and instantly enjoyed your tight writing, I also got to really connect with Lucas through his perspective. Great the way you keep the momentum on focusing on some rather gruesome but gripping discoveries. Truly, the sort of stuff I'd love to write myself! You've obviously researched and put a lot of work into this and it shows. Very well done. I enjoyed it immensely!
Carla
The Last Gift

Very well crafted. The technical detail is outstanding. Your characters draw you in and are very believable. Great story.
Happy to back.
Tracy
The Guardians

Finally got back to you-Amazingly good read a real page turner. I would buy this and pop in in my holiday luggage. Crisp and well written.
Sue Mackender- Knowing Liam Riley

This hums right along after the dramatic opening, Tightly written with believable characters and good dialogue. Backed. Richard

Jo-

Although I liked your opening before, i definitely think this jumps into the action more directly (which is good for this genre). There is certainly nothing wrong with your old chapter 1, but I do think I like the way this gets immediately into the action.

-Sessha

This is some good reading. Sadistic serial killers are so much more interesting than vampires. There's no scarier monster than a human.

A few nits:

I've been seeing a lot of stories on authonomy the last couple weeks that start with the character waking up. A couple of agent blogs I read have cited this as a cliched opening that raises their concerns and usually leads to rejection. The good news is the waking isn't a critical part of your story. The phone could disturb your character in just about any activity.

As you revise, watch for phrases that look cool but mean nothing. The one that sticks with me here is "silent tears." When are tears not silent? Speaking of silence, near the end of chapter two, "silence" is repeated in two consecutive sentences.

Finally, especially in this kind of book, it's important to end your scenes with disaster to keep the plot intense. Google "scene and sequel" and you'll find some good instruction on these kinds of scenes.

But you don't need to fix much. This is a fun read, the kind of book that's hard to put down. A little tweaking might be useful (but show me a manuscript for which this isn't true), and then this will be great.