Hi Sherri, just read the first two chapters and had to pull my self out of it to comment. Danny is a nasty character, I like the way you started with the accident and with him and Kristin. We the move onto Rachel and her friends and see their reactions to what happened, one point maybe Rachel should be a little more upset since it was only a year ago that she was with Danny and therefore must not be talking to Kristin for about that length, which is not a lot when they grew up together? Other than that this is really gripping and has all the elements of a good YA story. On my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

I would open the pitch with the setting... "Life in the small town of Woodland, California becomes blurry when..."
This explains the source of the title. I like the opening - it has conflict, introduces Kirsten, Danny... perhaps you should consider mentioning their surnames? This is part of their character. Also, I would mention the locale at some stage, to ground the reader. Otherwise, nicely done, nicely paced. Good dialogue.
Shelved
Frank

Wow, Sherri, way to steamroll us right into the action. Rachel's plight was told in such a way the reader had no idea what would come next. In this day and age an author needs a pretty sharp hook to lure the reader in and I'd say you have that here in spades. Shelved. JupiterGirl. (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Hi Sherri,
This is good stuff, great prologue followed by a very realistic MC in Rachel. - Shelved

I recognise a good thriller when I see one and this read like a film, easy to visualise and very well written. I didn't spot anything remotely like a technical error in the first two chapters and the prologue.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

This is an unusual and interesting plot, with a good pitch which pulled me in. I love mystery stories, and I'm enjoying this one. Your opening, the confrontation between Kirstin and Danny, is very exciting and gripping. The shock when the brakes fail works well, and is a great hook. Rachel's blog is an original idea, making the most of modern ideas; and it helps us to feel that we know Rachel well, as we read her own words and she tells us her feelings. The group of friends come alive well; their dialogue is natural and up-to-date. A very readable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

(I read from Chapter 17) I am no expert on American high school etc. so some of the terms and the set up is a little strange to me. The story, however, is an engrossing one and should appeal to teens, especially since most of them have been exposed to US TV and High School Reunion. Your characters seem believable and speak appropriately and your MC elicits sympathy very quickly. There are a few editorial tidy ups but we all have those. You will need to find an eyecatching cover but the blurb is enough to get the book opened. Jim D Serpent's Blood

"Blowing a sigh of relief, she snapped it shut" - it sounds like she is snapping the 'sigh of relief' shut... - reword.

"she hissed." - some would suggest you can't hiss words that don't contain an 'S'. I leave that one to you to decide.

Paragraph beginning "Her laughter was cut off..." is too big. Pare or break up.

"She asked (to) no one in particular." You don't need this, given we know she's talking to herself as no one else is in the car with her.

A few too many sentences in the second last paragraph begin with 'she' - it doesn't feel like repetition for purpose, but unintentional. Perhaps reword one or two of the sentences.

Some of the dialogue feels a bit unnatural and/or soap opera-ish. See if you can sharpen it up a bit.

Ok, time precludes me from going further. It's not too badly written, bar the quibbles above. I'll give you a stint on my shelf and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

This is working really well. You have created enough tension and intrigue in the first four chapters to have successfully drawn the reader in. The opening with the accident is a great hook. THe following chapter with the blog, lets us in on the characters a bit more. Moving along to the story, you subtly lead us to the water to drink, so to speak. Allowing us just enough rope to think about the possibilites of where the story will go without flat out telling us where you are going. This works well and you have deft hand at painting the setting and characters.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I backed this a short while ago and I have come back to comment.

Showing us the accident first is great, draws us in and shows us what happens as it does.

Then when Rachel and Natalie find out, you did this well... leading us into where you will take us.

You have crossed genres as I have but I believe you have done it well... combining the YA with thriller perfectly. Not sure if I would label this chick lit though for your 'voice' although great for YA isn't really to me like chick lit (not a bad thing BTW, I like a good chick lit but prefer other genres). That is just me though but I would label more a YA thriller.

Anyway there was much to like here and although I'm not in the YA category I would enjoy reading this.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hello,
I like this story. The beginning is very fast paced and upbeat. I liked how you just jump into the story. Is Kirsten winner of the beaty pageant or runner up? I think at the beginning you say she was the winner but at the end you say runner up. (I could be wrong) Your setting, characters and dialogue are very realistic. Backed with pleasure. LIsa

[Blurry]
I liked the pitch and the start of your story. It is strong and the characters are clear. The way you described Danny makes him real - yes, he is a believable character.

However, you will have to find another way to get Kristen away from him. She throws stones, which means she needs to have the time to grab her. Since Danny had her almost plastered against the wall, the distance between the two of them should be small - far too small to give her the time to grab one stone and throw it, let alone a few.

The second chapter was more logical; I didn't find anything that couldn't happen. I loved your voice, though, and I think you do have a winner here.

Well done and thanks for reading mine.

Backed with pleasure.

Peter
(A Shadow In A Shady Country)

Phew...what an adventure...but all 'true' and believable.
The characters come through well.. poor Kirsten
Then we re following Rachel with thriller suspense.,
I wasnt sure there would be a happy ending
Congratulations.....
............mikey .........The Free

Hi Sherri....crikey, that's some opening. Poor girl. One thing puzzled me - he mentions her grandma's house but we haven't heard anything about that before.
But how scary having an ex go from nought to ten like that.... Would she really throw bricks at him? I guess so if she were that scared. Then the crash! Yikes....
Then we're on campus and then - OMG - she's dead??!! Didn't see that coming at all.
So, not standard chicklit at all by the looks of it.
But that's fine by me - I like a dose of dark.... ;)
Happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Hi Sherri!

This is a fun read - just the kind of chick-lit I could curl up with an enjoy on a quiet day! Love the blog entries in this - it's a nice way to get inside Rachel's head - very effective. The only suggestion I might have is to section your pitch into multiple paragraphs, and you've got one paragraph in chapter one that seems a bit long (you may want to chunk it up too.) Otherwise, great stuff - backed with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is an intriguing story, well constructed and thought-out, and very believeable. You create suspense, which is a real page-turner, and I think yonger readers will identify strongly with your characters. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Wow, what a beginning. Great suspense, description and dialogue. Intriguing story and well written.

Sherri
I made a few notes:-
'It's about time you showed up' she trailed off......(why trailed off, she would snap at him)
Danny smiled, he smiled......repetitive.....use grin or leer or smirk in place of one.......
You shrug with your shoulders not your hands !!!
Clarify Danny's credentials immediately as you introduce him....I wondered, who is this ?

Fabulous ending to chapter one, a real page turner....Great characterization and naturalistic dialogue...

Best of luck....Shelved

I read the first three chapters. Nice opening with that hint of suspense. The situation (bad breakup with a touch of fear) is one readers can easily relate to. You set a nice sense of place at the begining of chapter 3. And the dialogue moves the plot along. I liked it.

This is a really well written book, it has a good opening and is well paced and delivered. I think the characters are well defined and it is easy to become part of their story. I am pleased to back it as i do want to read on.
Regards
Chris (inside out)

You have a very gripping chapter there that creates a great opening hook, grabs the readers attention and just doen't let go Just to top things off you finish with a great cliffhanger.

Your first chapter is really well crafted with a good balance between narrative and believable dialogue. The story had me on the edge of my seat and begged to be read on.

Backed with pleasure

Derek
thedarkside@edating

Dear Sherri, I like your choice of “blurry” to convey how reality seems after someone suffers a sudden trauma, especially when the person is as young as Rachel, and that’s only the first of the many things I like about your wonderful book: you have a highly compelling story, lifelike, well-developed characters, and a vivid, fast-paced writing style that brilliantly renders not only the intriguing people and unsettling events in Rachel’s life, but her deeply felt reactions.

I like how, when you shift the narrative to her, you begin with a long blog that constitutes a telling psychological self-portrait: seeing her first from the inside enables us to identify with her immediately, and so her perspective remains primary even when other characters come on the scene and talk to her.

A richly detailed picture of contemporary adolescence and of one adolescent who’s both fully representative and extremely exceptional—and all of this within the context of a very exciting mystery.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

BACKING because Bob Steele did and I trust his instincts. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk with this effort. I'll swing by later to give you a right and proper comment.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

It's surprising how many girls get involved with guys that think they can push them around. Maybe your story can show them how dangerous it can be. Give them a mirror. On my shelf, hoping it will make a difference. C.P

Blurry is a fast-paced mystery with natural dialogue and good characterisation, particularly of Rachel. I started to see the blurring in chapter 3, which gave me a feel for where you are going.This is an enjoyable read with no nitpicks to report for the editor. Backed.

I think you have the YA target perfect. They will just love this story--full of realationship, bit of mystery and tension.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

It sucks when life shows you its dark side early. YOu have a strong main character in Rachael. Shelved.

Starts with great hook and a tense action sequence. Your prose is firm and clear, and your dialogue sounds natural. Rachel's voice and psychology are particularly realistic.
My one concern about the opening chapter is Kristin's emotional reactions. Speaking as someone who's been in a similar situation, her emotional response doesn't quite read as realistic-- you need to get at the feeling of fear, rather than just informing the reader that she's afraid.

Hey Sherri, this is a good read! Your opening is brilliant and hooks straight away! Am looking forward to reading more! My only nit is the short and long pitch repeat! You dont need to repeat that a childhood friend dies, we know that already! Small beer though girl and this deserves a place on the shelf!
Simon

Sherri
Great story. The opening was quite dramatic with Kristen's attack from Danny and the impending car accident. Then we meet the protagonist in Ch. 2 and on to Ch. 3 where the plot thickens with the police and Rachel's life begins to blur. Excellent writing. As an editor I couldn't find much to suggest, In Ch 3 I would break up the paragraph that begins Officer Naylor leaned forward. It is a clever way to get Rachel's background into the story but it would be more natural if she interjected some points to break it up. It is hard to make long dialogue sound natural. Okay that's enough nit picking, love the story, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi Sherri, The opening was a strong rendition of a scene that might not be so uncommon – until Kirsten’s accident. That’s what’s intriguing about this. Such accidents are reported in the news but the mystery about them for that age isn’t covered. You’ve handled the speculation well on the part of the teenagers and the connections come through well in the dialogue and narration without delaying the story. I especially liked the scene between Rachel and Marielle. The believable quality of this makes me want to read beyond Chapter 4. Involving and well-crafted! Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Thanks so much! I'm new, so I'm still learning my way around. I hope I'll have time to start reading more soon!

Sherri,

I'm a bit of a new chum too and I'm on the lookout for people who will rise fast.
I reckon you're one.
Your book is on my watchlist and I've backed it to give you a leg up.

Mike Dixon/Curtin Express

Sherri,

I'm a bit of a new chum too and I'm on the lookout for people who will rise fast.
I reckon you're one.
Your book is on my watchlist and I've backed it to give you a leg up.

Mike Dixon/Curtin Express

Hi Sherri,

Welcome to Authonomy.

This is a fascinating read. I was pulled in right from the start. Your characters felt real and I loved the vivid descriptions, you can just picture everything. The dialogue felt natural and not forced. Nicely done.

“Don’t do this(,) Danny…”

Wow! No wonder Kirsten wants to leave Danny. Nice ending to the chapter. It’s a real turn pager.

Good pacing in chap 2, and again good characterisation. I think you’re onto a winner here and YA will like it. It’s very well written and it grabbed my attention and kept me glued. You have a promising book that I’m sure will go far.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Sherri
What a great opener! Straight into the action with good dialogue and very effective writing. I am no expert but from the perspective of a reader I saw no obvious flaws. Looks like a strong story with drama and suspense although I must to confess to having only read one chapter so far. If the quality of writing and action continues I think you should do well. If I had skimmed this opening in the book shop there is a strong chance I would have bought it.
Good luck with it.