What an incredibly charming, funny, well-written story! Every paragraph contained delicious little morsels of humor which kept me going and laughing all the way through. As a novice writer, I daren't nitpick at something so perfectly written, nor will I compare this work to any classics. Though the story may seem familiar, you have added your stamp of individuality by giving it your own twists and turns and a flair for humor that makes this a thoroughly enjoyable read. I almost wish I had a cup of hot coca and was sitting by the fire while reading this but, egads, it's too hot and doesn't snow in Florida. I can't help it; must have this one on my shelf.

BTW, thanks a mil for backing my story. I am humbled.
Isabel

This is lovely, charming and funny, and reminds me a little of one of my favourite films Miracle on 34th Street. It's nice to read something feelgood and Christmassy, and as a book this would make a really nice Christmas present. The exchanges between Jack and Chloe are pure genius. Shelved.

Perfect for the lead up to Christmas. It's like Dickens crossed with Frank Capra. Wonderfully life-affirming and feel good, The Tavistock Papers feels like it should be published ready for every Christmas stocking this year.

Shelved.

Backed January 11.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Hi

Hope all is going well with your book.

Tony
Life Bringer

Funny funny funny! But yet the serious bits too. Every sentence is a gem. I love this one & had to copy it here: “His grandmother on his father’s side could spend a whole afternoon sitting on a Wrothing bench with nothing but an enquiring mind, a vivid imagination and a bag of Liquorice Allsorts for company, thoroughly engrossed in watching the tourists and office workers take the air on the prom.” I love how you write. Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

Nothing that hasn't been done before, which means if you do it again you have to do it right, and this is almost perfect. Very entertaining, and I would love to read all of it. Shelved

Hi Evan,

Thanks for having backed A TASTE OF VOODOO last week. I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond, but I had the flu for several days and could barely crawl to the computer. I was finally able to read HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. It is delightful fun, and I am happy to back it.

Best wishes,
Douglas Braverman

I started reading this today, on Thanksgiving, because it seemed appropriate. I think I started reading before -- and also thought I'd commented -- but apparently not. In any case, I like the "jaunty" feel of this. I love the idea of this guy kind of looking like a "madman" basically because he so loves Christmas...I also enjoy the point of view...it's quirky and it works. I feel like you may have done some editing since the last time I read this (or maybe I'm just imagining things) and that it all worked for the better. Not much to say in the way of constructive criticism...which means it's automatically worthy of a shelf.

Thanks so much to everyone for their helpful comments and support. It really is most appreciated.

Well written and entertaining - I've shelved this!
Sue
Theo the Immaculate

An unusual protagonist that is kept a bit distant, which raises all sorts of questions. It's on the shelf.

A story which clearly has universal appeal. The difficult relationship between Jack and Chloe, which the pitch assures us will work out well in the end, is necessary to make the book interesting. Jack's keen appreciation of Christmas needs a sceptical approach to battle against, otherwise it would be over-sweet, even sickly. But there is nothing over-sweet about Chloe, and we can't help liking her for it, as a relief from Jack's enthusiasm. The promised mystery has yet to materialise, apart from the discovery of the photo, and Chloe's reaction to it - there must be some meaning to this, I suppose. You write well, a reasonable pace and good dialogue. I could see this doing well, probably not until next Christmas, to be practical. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I've finished reading "Home for the Holidays" and thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a dry sense of humor and great skill in descriptions. I'm definitely backing this one. Jesselowe

Hi Evan,
I thought this was lovely! Have put it on my bookshelf.
Best wishes
Eva
Here Comes the Summer

Hi Evan.
A big thanks for your comments on Elemental - if I hadn't thanked you before. They were very useful and close to what I had hoped for. Even the slightest comment made me think harder about langauge use. Just finished my read of HFTH. Lovely pitch. Really enjoyed this. Despite the overall 'cheeriness' of the writing there is an underlying cynicism that just keeps coming through which spices the whole thing. You write very well and with great confidence. Four chapters posted - are there more? Please let me know if they are on the way.
Comment on comments: note that my principle here is Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do (DAISNAID) advice. We might, or might not, be good writers, but we are all excellent readers. So, its always easier to comment. Some comments are a bit nit-picking. All are for you to use or abuse.
Things I like:
The storyline centred on the adult and the child has endless variations. No-one has or could monopolise this. HFTH is a lovely variation; the characters are very sympathetic, and we like to read about people we like.
The variety and vividness of the language. There is a strong 'musical' quality to the language that sings in the ear.
Some great transitions, from internal to external voice; often fleeting and throwaway, but very effective.
Deft character sketching - even Chloe is not too heavily detailed; leaving enough for our imaginations to write the rest. Mrs Zemburg is a case in point: brief but impressive encounter.
Great dialogue. The piece is at its best when your characters are talking, and reacting; we see them think, see them develop. It's that musical ear at work.
The richness of allusion throughout, touching the surrounding world with references and glances - the internal voice constantly stimulated by external events.
Chapter 3. Lots of contrasts between long and short sentences. There's a whopper starting 'Jack's spent more than...' This has a few trios[see things I'd change]. This is almost stream-of-consciousness, brought back into focus by Chloe's voice. A great moment, since this balances the long sentence (11 verbs, albeit separated by semi-colons), uses her voice, which Jack has been desperately trying to open up, and emphasises her presence (for the same reason).
Structurally this chapter works well. I like the way we leave it with Jack's curiosity aroused by the photo (now a character in the book), and it's importance is established for the logic of the story; and intrigued by how it will be reintroduced, a forensic evidence touch. I like the subtle devlopment of the relationship between Jack and Chloe - she's now trying to get a response from him. And he uncovers her indifference to Christmas. Though I found the strength of his reaction to her lack of childish innocence a bit over the top. However, it does establish a challenge and the potential for character change.
Technical comments: I read from Chapter One, and noticed a tendency to use 'trio modifiers' (my term). I'm always going through my work for this, and personal cliches (PCs). They're a variation on the descriptive overkill of too many adjectives. From the opening trio (first line) the rhythm and beat drives us to use threes. I selected this one as an example because it's shorter than many of the others (less typing): 'A smile that speaks of secrets and slyness and dead bodies under the piano.' -> 'A smile that speaks of secrets and dead bodies under the piano.' -> 'A smile that speaks of slyness and dead bodies under the piano.' Three variations with subtly different emphases. All of which I like, as a reader; but the three together mean I have to choose, since, as a reader I handle pairs better. So I select the two I'm most interested in, not the two you, the author, ant me to select. The third modifier introduces the danger of allowing the idea or action to relax as the rhythm dies away. I always find at least one of these modifiers is unecessary and deleting one or even two helps change the pace. It keeps the text on its toes and moves it forward. Mostly this can be done with no loss of sense or intent. Overuse is subtly monotonous for the reader. However, it is a sign of word-richness, a touch of overwriting that can be easily pruned. Chapter 1(again) For me the transition from the opening paragraphs to the conversation was like breaking out of a thicket of words, ideas and expressions (albeit lively and full of character) into the open space of conversation. Cutting some of the trios would greatly help that transition.
Another PC (for me anyway) is the use of 'all'. Such as 'Chloe, for the first time all morning...' , could be '...that morning..'. Note this sentence has another 'trio'.
'brief shouldery shrug' (does shouldery add anything - especially since it comes a sentence or so later with 'another twitch of the shoulder' ?)
a connery - coronary? (wasn't sure if this was intended)
'they head cross country' should strictly be 'across country'.
Many others have commented on the book. I'd just repeat that it's a great read and I enjoy the craft at work. I look forward to see the rest of it. Naturally its backed.

Evan,

This is a very likeable piece of writing, as is your main character of Jack. There is nice pace to your story, taking in the humdrum and everyday things that make up our lives, which suits the story very well. I'll happily give this a go on the shelf.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'A Passageway with No Exit'

Expertly worded, but for me, it reads like a diary. Lot's of descriptive info but I was wanting more hints on where it was going. I must be fair and admit that it resides in my least favoured genre, but I've got to admire the talent that produced it.

Evan,
Luckily, I am an Anglophile and have watched much BBC. Therefore, my ear is attuned to the phasings, accents and Idioms used in England: it was delighted. I enjoyed the realistic, glassy and light conversational tone of this. The descriptions were lovely, graphic and some indelible.

However, I was a bit uneasy at some possible descriptive excesses. Here I must explain something: I am wont to over- describe but am working on greater condensation to smooth the readers' passage through the text. Understand that I may, as a result, be overly sensitive.

Let me share what was sent by an agent. I found it very helpful.

"I could suggest studying plotting and story development and reading a few classic novels closely to see how they work. Here's a couple of examples:
1 Lee Chong’s grocery, while not a model of neatness, was a miracle of supply. It was small and crowded but within its single room a man could find everything he needed or wanted to live and to be happy--clothes, food, both fresh and canned, liquor, tobacco, fishing equipment, machinery, boats, cordage, caps, pork chops. You could buy at Lee Chong’s a pair of slippers, a silk kimono, a quarter pint of whiskey and a cigar. You could work out combinations to fit almost any mood. The one commodity Lee Chong did not keep could be had across the lot at Dora’s.

Notice the author's use of selection. The author has not chosen to describe what you would see if standing inside the store; he's chosen to list what you could find there.

2 Samuel Spade’s jaw was long and boney, his chin jutting v under the more flexible v of his mouth. His nostrils curved back to make another, smaller, v. His yellow-grey eyes were horizontal. The v-motif was picked up again by thickish brows rising outward from twin creases above a hooked nose, and his pale brown hair grew down–from high flat temples–in a point on his forehead. He looked rather pleasantly like a blond Satan.
He said to Effie Perine: “Yes, sweetheart?”
She was a lanky sunburned girl whose tan dress of thin woolen stuff clung to her with an effect of dampness. Her eyes were brown and playful in a shiny boyish face. She finished shutting the door behind her, leaned against it and said: “There’s a girl wants to see you. Her name’s Wonderly.”
“A customer?”
“I guess so. You’ll want to see her anyway: she’s a knockout.”
“Shoo her in darling,” said Spade. “Shoo her in.”

In keeping with the above, I felt the material on Tavistock may have been more 'condensable,' or selective--unless he is a significant character that we will later discover as worthy of such detail.

Another spot was in CH 4, beginning "The rest of the day..." and ending with "2052 will be fine."

Your choice of an avid reader--as you said, "most of the comments on the site seem to be so brief as to be almost meaningless"--could be helpful. The question to your reader(s) is "Where, if at all, do you feel I lose the pace of the story and bog down unnecessarily?"

Other wise, your phrasing is spot on.

I'm happy to back you. From what I read, I can project a worthy run for the ED (for what that's worth).

Alan
Time of the Avatar

Thanks for backing my book, much appreciated. This is not my usual cup of tea as I am more of the 'bah, humbag!' type but I do get a bit misty-eyed at Christmas and this is the kind of thing I would get for girl friends so backed it. Cheers, Jim D

This really is charming! A good pitch and clear crisp writing with a touch of humour. This is a real feel good story and is very marketable on the basis of that alone, never mind the christmas aspect. I can see this as a film too. Backed because of the quality of the writing.

Your deft way with words spins this story along and with the added snippets of wit I'm completely absorbed. The dialogue is natural and your characters shine.
As there are only two chapters it's difficult to know where you are taking us with this story but it's a polished and entertaining start. I can see from the pitch there is much more to come and I don't doubt it will end up a thoroughly enjoyable read. Backed. Margaret.

Hi Evan, being somewhat of the persuasion of Chloe's mum on the subject of Christmas, I started this with some trepidation. But it didn't last beyond the first paragraph! It is charming and entertaining, nicely written and amusing with the promise of an interesting story. By the end I was disappointed you've only uploaded two chapters. To be backed the next time I rotate my shelf
best wishes
Ali

Good solid writing with great descriptions that doesn't cause the prose to stutter. I thought from the premise I wouldn't like another dreary romance, but this works incredibly well. A must read for anyone on this site.

BACKED all the way to the ED's desk.

Evan
Great pitch.
Prompted by your profile statement, and by the fact that you probably get a lot of crit on the opening (don’t we all), I thought I’d go cold into ‘2’ (chapter 3 that is) to give you some more rounded feedback. PLEASE note these comments are just thoughts that sprung up – it don’t mean they are correct or should even be acted upon. OK.

Chapter 3
The first thing that strikes me is the fine voice to this prose. And this is very strong writing. It’s not too long before I start to wonder about going back to the beginning, but I must keep this tight because I am now working to the looming ED deadline. There’s always next month…
~ 2nd paragraph: what was his name etc. Should the italicised questions start with a cap letter? Are they separate sentences? (Note: I’m certainly no expert on editing typos etc.)
~ Para: ‘They drove on in silence…’ is evocative and atmospheric. It reminds me of many car journeys I shared with my sister… oh dear, sorry, that brought up an old memory. I didn’t expect that. Anyway, moving on…
~ Turtle-headed shrug – I like that. (Sorry, I’ve lost track of paragraphs now)
Collingwood Manor is evoked well: easy to visualise, but maybe it could be enhanced by cracked roof tiles or vines growing up the walls – something to earth it in the readers mind more? Just a thought.
~ Para: ‘The papers Mrs. Murphy…’ these details of paperwork etc. are spot on. Very authentic.
~ Para: ‘Jack takes a seat in the *cramped* kitchen’ (?) would a manor have a cramped kitchen?
~ Para: ‘The bulk of the deceased’s papers…’ rather than tell us, maybe show us?
~ Nervous, birdlike sips – nice!
~ Jack nods *sagely* – I know what you mean, but is that the correct word?
~ Black and white photo – ooh! Interest levels peak.
~ Coiffured – uh? A new word for me. Dictionary time. It’s good to learn new words.
Nice chapter ending.

Well, I’d love to go onto chapter 4, but time limits me. I just hope this is of some help to you.

Your characters have life and depth. I missed the earlier chapters, but their personalities come through loud and clear, so much so that I don’t have to look at tags to see who spoke. This is quality writing. Nicely done.

I see you are in very strong contention for the Xmas ED and so I wish you the very best good luck in getting there.
Shelved with festive cheer
David
Green Ore

Evan,

Holy ... your descriptions of your characters right off the bat are amazing--and hilarious! 'like the Joker in those crappy Batman cartoons'--hah! Love how you describe Jack's smile. So clever. I love how this is building. Curious about the small man in the arm chair ...

Some things that made me laugh: 'even though they spent the first thousands days of his life under the same roof'/ 'he seemed to have very nice hips and hands'/ 'She made me promise to look after you until Mummy comes back'/ 'She's nine. I think she still wants to be a fairy'/ 'Carol keeps her locked in a bamboo cage'/ 'I still thought the spice girls were cool'/ 'the lost treasure of Sierra Madre?'

The thing about your humor is that you're not trying to hard, it's subtle, which to me makes it more clever and witty to me. I already love Jack and Chloe and am intrigued on what kind of adventure is ahead for them. :) I think this is so fun, great work Evan!!!! ~Morgan

Hello Evan,

You have created an engaging storyline with fully flushed out characters. I know from the helpful comments that you post that you have an excellent eye for proper grammar and it shows in your manuscript. I wished that I had that ability. The only suggestion I might have is to break-up the paragraph long sentences.
Best of luck with you writing.

Daniel “Storykeeper”

Evan

I read your profile and did a random chapter read... which is what I prefer but you probably have more to offer than I do... But you only have four chapters up here.

I read 1 and 3. This is obviously well polished and I don't have specific criticisms but only comments.

One is that I found it interesting that you are writing in the present tense. It does make the mood more immediate.
Also that you use single quotations instead of double, single dash instead of double. Obviously, that is a conscious choice.

Doug
(The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg)

Charming is the word. Some lovely one liners in there and the relationship between Chloe and Jack works so well. I must confess that it took me a few paragraphs to get into it quite why I don't know but a little look wouldn't go amiss. I've got this grey half-wet half-cold type of London in mind so typical of winter there, bleak, but only if you are alone. Jack has Chloe and Chloe rifles through his pockets. The woman in the photograph. This promises to be all kinds of hibernatory fun. Love it, Evan, and you have the genres spot on too. Shelved. Biff.

Really enjoyed this, it was really refreshing to have it from the mans perspective - most of the time the lead is a woman with this type of story. It was well paced, and well written and very enjoyable - backed with pleasure. Jacqui - Life on the Estate

Can't wait to read more of this charming read.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Jack is a rare creature - someone in their late twenties who still likes Christmas (the very thought of Christmas makes me weary) - he stands out as a character. The writing is very good: 'He'd hate to end up wearing his niece's milkshake on his head' top line. I thought perhaps when you mention that he has no memory of his father - you should just say 'bugger all' rather than 'bugger sodding all' as the latter expression feels more contrived. The senario is charming and potentially touching. Perhaps you might be interested in watching: 'Alice in the City', Wim Wender's best film about a man who ends up having to look after someone's daughter. It is lovely. Backed.

Hi Evan

I really enjoyed reading this one! I like the characters that you have so far - although it it totally bad and Scrooge-like of me to say that I have complete sympathy for Carol's point of view? I feel so sorry for poor Jack though, having to spend his precious time off looking after his sister's kid, feeling the guilt of not being able to do anything right - I'm sure he will come to love parenting, and Chloe, though!

I think your writing got a lot tighter, funnier and easier to read as it went along. By the end of the fourth chapter, I wanted to keep reading more.

One thing I might say, though, is that you might wish to consider splitting the four chapters into, well, four chapters instead of two. It was quite a daunting thing to scroll down at the start of the first chapter and see how long it went on and in such small font!

Good luck with this one though!

Denise
You Don't Know Me

This is the sort of book that one could read over and over. Love everything about it and it should be much, much longer. Please add to it soon and I will definitely come back to it. Backed.

This is a feel-good story which will have very wide appeal, and do a lot to restore the idea that grown men can be seen caring for young females without being automatically suspected of having darker motives. The fact that the two of them go into the arrangement with reluctance and end up not wanting to part is, I suppose, formulaic and well-worn, but some old ideas still work well, and have a lot of mileage left in them. There are lots of hidden messages here too, and they will not be missed by even the most inanttentive reader. I can see this on our big screens, and becoming a homely-classic. I'm pleased to back it. Best wishes, Tony.

Hi Evan,

This is great. I really felt for Jack - the poor man having to look after a nine-year old girl (although I get the impression that he would rather be doing that than nothing). I particular enjoyed the comical elements and your humour in general. I think it helps if you have children so that you can relate to the issues that arise. I laughed out loud at the fairy bit ('She's nine. I think she still wants to be a fairy,' Jack snaps) and also when he handed over a Tweenies magazine to her.

An extremely well written, funny and delightful piece of work which you should be proud of. Best wishes -- Jon

I can't wait to read more! The characters are well written and believable.Spot on with the nine year old! Her mood swings and unpredictable behavior. I'm curious to find out what Jack learns about the woman in the picture and how he's going to confront his sister about her negative attitude towards Christmas. I can't wait to find out how he helps Chloe to feel the Christmas spirit.
I felt I became involved with the story while reading it, which is also the mark of a good writer. It's 'reader friendly' smooth, tight, and unique.
Shelved!

Great pitch, peaked my interest for sure. This is an enjoyable read and your writting is nicely polished. There is much to love about this but my favourite aspect is the sense of humour you've instilled in Jack. Happy to shelve.

Melissa

I got set in to do some serious line-by-line editing but was almost disappointed I didn't find anything to edit. It feels like you've worked over this thing till it shined, which it does. I love your descriptions - they're classic. Jack is a great and lovable character, and I laughed out loud when he picks up Chloe. He's simply wonderful.

I was wondering if you'd be able to write children just as well, but was pleased when I found that Chloe mirrors many nine-year-old kids I've worked with. The stubborn, silent treatment is well known, as is her snippy attitude about and towards Jack.

The only thing I can comment on is the amount of history given to the reader towards the beginning of the book - it slows down the story a bit. That aside, there wasn't anything else that stood out to me.

Backed, with pleasure.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

The pitch pulled me in. SHELVED!

I could use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Well, I'm feeling Christmassy now. Love the description of Jack and his scary grin and the burgeoning relationship with a sulky nine year old is great. Especially her reaction to the Tweenies. Lovely festive fayre.

Oh, I want to read more! Off to a great start here.

Evan, I had no idea nine-year olds were so precocious and demanding. The writing is excellent and the humor delicious. Your characters are well developed - Jack an endearing MC, a Scrooge-like character of the 21st century. Chloe is priceless. Your work has the potential for a wonderful Christmas offering, which I hope HC will identify sooner than later. Shelved

Interesting shift from the 1st ch to 2nd ch- the first is so internal that the trotting out of dialogue seems a shock. It's delicious schadenfreude to watch this man who treats Chrismas as an ironic in-joke being forced to take care of someone like Chloe.

Shelved.
Stuart Phillips
High cotton

Like your mc, Jack, I also love christmas so I enjoyed reading this. I like your humour and your writing is very descriptive and easy to read too. I hope you upload some more as I enoyed this and I am happy to back it.

Best Wishes

Anna

Having a niece the same age as Chloe and not having the opportunity to see her often puts me right into the heart of the awkward relationship she has with her uncle Jack. I thought it was a very detailed, well thought out story. I was immediately drawn into Jack's character and I certainly appreciate his love for everything Christmas. Very well written.

Hi Evan,

What a fantastic story- and on the run up to Christmas, what a winner. It is beautifully written and flows very well, so much so that I didnt notice time passing by. Chloe is a really well written character- absolutely bang on for a young girl in her position. I feel she comes across a bit older than a nine year old, but her background would give her the older traits. Shes fantastic. I have to quote this line, I just loved it:

'Her top lip looked like something a pigeon might rest on'

Very funny and paints the picture of her expression perfectly.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck with it.

Kind regards,

Jen (Fayalite)

Great premise, so much fun and wit, joy to read as it hits the scene dead on the nail. Your book deserves to do well as the descriptions and characters are brilliant and the scenes jump out of the book at you.

Backed with pleasure,

Lisa ( Sorry I am a bit late in commenting!)

Yet another publishable book. Good flow, good story, good characters.

Hi Evan,

Thank you very much for your backing. I will get back to you with more comments once ive read some of your book.

Kind regards

Jennifer

Evan,

What a delightful writing style you have, very intimate and yet polished at the same time. Jack is a great character and I can imagine he's going to have many adventures with little Chloe. She's going to give him a run for his money. You conveyed her disappointment at the Christmas arrangement very well. I felt horribly bad for her.

Honestly, I couldn't find one thing I would change.

On my shelf,

ML

Great! Your book is fun to read once you get going, although I would consider trimming some things out of chapter one, or even eliminating most of it and combing the rest with chapter two. We need some background on Jack, but having so much right off can be a little overwhelming for readers. Of course, this is just my opinion. You have a great book here and I wish there was more up to read.

Having joined Authonomy recently, this is my first read and comment. And very impressed, I am!!

Your writing is fluent and easy on the 'inner ears'. The quirky sense of humour also sits well with me.

There are a great many good points to your writing and hopefully the abundance of other comments have convinced you of that, so I won't go on.

My comments for your assessment are as follows:

- The opening paragraphs initially led me to believe Jack was a potentially dangerous psychopath. I now have your humour to guide me and a re-read set this straight, so not a serious issue.

- The paragraph about Jack's father gave me the impression of a much older age (1930's/40's for his father - 60's for the story) - this was probably just me - but it took me some time after this to recognise this as a modern story rather than recent history.

These are just my impressions - hope they are of some use.

Would love to have more and needless to say you are on my book shelf.

Martin