You have an interesting plot here, and I particularly enjoyed the fact that a lot of the interest, unusually I think in this genre, centres on the relationship between the brothers. For fans of Science Fiction, this is a strong story which should do well. You write with an easy flow, and your characters are drawn realistically. Your imaginary world is consistent and has some excellent touches. The 'Holy Ground,' for instance, is original and works well. You produce good hooks for your chapter endings, and this makes us eager to read on. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Dear Dena Gray,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter seven to cover new ground and was rewarded by a delightfully awkward situation involving Mercedes. I liked the Commander’s dispassionate assessment of the campsite along with his stuffiness, which juxtaposes well with Mercedes. Good use of active verbs, such as “skritching.” Your greatest strength lies in the Commander’s resistance to the chemistry between himself and Mercedes. He has to gird himself just to touch her hand.

You have a great premise in that the Commander is required to kill his brother upon finding him. In my fallible opinion, you could make your short pitch even more enticing by including that tidbit in it.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Hi Dena
You have managed to convey a very alien way of thinking in this - shelved

I always enjoy a good piece of SF and this is highly enjoyable. It's always difficult to convery a totally alien culture and I like the way you don't explain everything and keep us guessing as to exactly what's going on.

I liked the speech impediment for Nach, good idea and well done.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Minor nit: You’ve got several repeated letters starting in ch2. Did I skim over a reason for this, or perhaps you have sticky keys. ;-)

^_^ Nach's got a speech impediment (I think I mention this a few lines down). His glossa - or tongue - was damaged in battle. :D He liked the fact that it made him sound different than everyone else (think Scottish) and didn't let his nano colony fix it.

I loved this. I really like good sci-fi and this is certainly an example. Well structured and researched I found this story utterlt engaging. Top work!
Cheers Cam
(Ravenmyth)

This is ambitious world building: a planet populated by non-organic beings who seem to be short of whatever it is that 'fuels' them, and also at war amongst each other, particularly the leader and his wayward brother ... 'No one cares what happens to him but you'. These aliens have been to Earth before, and now embark there again as Oronis hunts Ergaleio. 'Sonic weapons!' ... 'a small shrieking pile' LOL good to see some humour as well. The folding and holographic technologies are going to be very helpful to them as they navigate America. You have an impressive imagination, Dena. I'll message you with a few editing suggestions and meanwhile put this on my shelf.

Dena
So much of their culture relied on it for energy. = relied on what? Allotment?
I seriously hate to write this...since I went through similar difficulties with my first book but have you seen Avatar yet?
What does fuel leaching away from his face mean? Is he a robot?
I completely understand the trying to create a foreign/alien landscape/feel but unfortunately as much as I enjoy this world so far I'm a bit confused with items as your description of time by using geometry references ...45degree...
And the search for his brother is on!
Wishing you the best of luck with this!
-=Bradley

i tend to judge sci-fi / fantasy by the world the author conjures for the reader. The first chapter does that with some aplomb. I also like it that there is a suggestion that the characters are not human but alien.

The first chapter also sets up the overall premise outlined in your pitch and hooked me as a reader into the mystery of his brothers disapearance.

Well written, shelved with pleasure.

Derek
thedarkside@edating

You have an interesting plot here, and I particularly enjoyed the fact that a lot of the interest, unusually I think in this genre, centres on the relationship between the brothers. For fans of Science Fiction, this is a strong story which should do well. You write with an easy flow, and your characters are drawn realistically. Your imaginary world is consistent and has some excellent touches. The 'Holy Ground,' for instance, is original and works well. You produce good hooks for your chapter endings, and this makes us eager to read on. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Dear Dena Gray,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter seven to cover new ground and was rewarded by a delightfully awkward situation involving Mercedes. I liked the Commander’s dispassionate assessment of the campsite along with his stuffiness, which juxtaposes well with Mercedes. Good use of active verbs, such as “skritching.” Your greatest strength lies in the Commander’s resistance to the chemistry between himself and Mercedes. He has to gird himself just to touch her hand.

You have a great premise in that the Commander is required to kill his brother upon finding him. In my fallible opinion, you could make your short pitch even more enticing by including that tidbit in it.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Hi Dena
You have managed to convey a very alien way of thinking in this - shelved

I always enjoy a good piece of SF and this is highly enjoyable. It's always difficult to convery a totally alien culture and I like the way you don't explain everything and keep us guessing as to exactly what's going on.

I liked the speech impediment for Nach, good idea and well done.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Dena
Flows well, I shifted around and ended at chapter 9. Typical sci-fi, as sci-fi should be and creating a completely different slant on the world. Well done and Backed earlier.
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Hi
To create or imaginate a new species and culture is no easy feat and I think you are doing pretty good. There are teasing hints about their appearance, but I'm not real clear on it, so maybe something that gives the reader a better idea in that respect.

In ch1, you have what amounts to a crisis situation developing, but can we relate to that enough to be thoroughly pulled into the story? As an Earthling outsider, I'm not sure. I was curious, certainly; but not hooked.
Possibly something like the scene that involves 'Oh no. Not Earth.' and backtrack to pick up the preceding events. Just a thought.
Good luck with this.
g.

Hi Dena
Noticed your comment on Sheena Ignatias book about her mother in law...... go into youtube Jeannealogy
you get to see dreaded carpet and more! I nearly died laughing especially at the music which is the theme from Damien Omen tee hee!!!!!
Virginia Owen
It Never Rains In Paradise

Hi Dena,

When I went to add your book to my watchlist, I inadvertently backed your book instead. Oh happy day!!! Just as well, I commend you for your fantastical imagination. I'm always in awe of writers who can conjure up a whole new species.

Backed by fate,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

Minor nit: You’ve got several repeated letters starting in ch2. Did I skim over a reason for this, or perhaps you have sticky keys. ;-)

^_^ Nach's got a speech impediment (I think I mention this a few lines down). His glossa - or tongue - was damaged in battle. :D He liked the fact that it made him sound different than everyone else (think Scottish) and didn't let his nano colony fix it.

I had to read this when I saw your post in the forum. (Love the cover, too.)

I’m enough of a science geek to enjoy this kind of read. It’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into developing this race and their world. My only note is that once in a while, the alien characters say something that sounds a little too “human.” For example, when they mentioned the “mess” they’d found in the opening chapter, it felt out of place with the rest of the dialogue.

Once the aliens started interacting with humans, I knew I’d have a hard time stopping. Very interesting to have the perspective of humans as the “other”.

Minor nit: You’ve got several repeated letters starting in ch2. Did I skim over a reason for this, or perhaps you have sticky keys. ;-)

Happy to back this, and good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

You have a good idea and plot. I believe you need to refine some things to get this ready for publication. The Oronis character is well developed, but the other characters don't seem all that interesting. These are aliens, right? I don't have a sense of what they look like. You could also use memories from Oronis to describe the relationship with his brother. Are their any hints in their past to his brother's behavior?

You have great potential. Keep working at it.

Brian

Dena
This is a carefully plotted work of sci-fi genius. The only suggestion I can make is perhaps to add some narrative / descriptive colour, by painting some of the locations in words. The story flows, regardless. Well done.
Frank

This isn't half bad. The culture and characters are drawn quickly and believably and the ideas for the story seem sound enough. I'd like to see this thoroughly edited for grammar and to turn up the pace a notch.

Shelved for being good of its kind.

Adelie High (Naming Names)

Dena, I'm enjoying this very much. Excellent writing. The world is utterly foreign as are the players. I really like the body descriptions, they seem almost reptilian and born for war. Backed.

minor suggestions - Instead of He let the delegate, I think Oronis let the delegate works better. (took a moment for my brain to realize He didn't refer to the Machinist.) - same paragraph, the b.g. history is good and needed, but maybe spread out a bit more, felt like a lot of new info to take in - perhaps some of the b.g. could come out in dialogue that also helps portray the characters early on. - the other thing, a lot of characters, places and history thrown at the reader in a quick time. You may consider how to spread this out a bit. Best wishes, Jason (Little Universe and Jim's Life)

True science fiction fantasy....
the tech - such as holograhpic projectors are a bit old school, and I wonder whether some other tech would supercede it. We are actually already nearly there, so I am torn about this issue.

Writing suits the market you are aiming for. And there are load of readers to lap this style up.

Quick and accessible, and a jolling good romp.

I hope you do well.

BACKED

Hi Dena. Cool pitch and a cool book. Good job on letting us know what is happening and why. The characters are well explained so there's no stumbling over who's who. Looks like it's going to be a good story. Writing is competent and easy to follow.
'sound-cancelling' - only one 'L' in canceling.
'Warzone.' - is two words unless you want it like that for a reason.
All in all, looking good. I'll back it. On my shelf.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

I liked this, I try to read out of my comfort zone. backed.

Hi Dena

I read chapters 1 and 5 just to do a spot read for you and get a sense of the consistency of the writing. You have some really nice writing here. Good dialogue and descriptions. Fanciful imagination. Shelved, Doug (the Goose)

Hi Dena. I'm not much for science fiction but Crescedo Oronis is very well done. The writing is excellent, the introduction to the 'aliens' and their situation economical and convincing. Backed with pleasure.

I admit I struggle with SF - Hell, I struggle with fantasy, erotica (it makes me laugh) and children's, but I do try to look at the quality of the writing, even if I can't understand the genres as I'm sure SF writers would prefer.

Nevertheless, I know nice, clear writing when I see it, and I do see it here. Backed. Cheers! -Liz (A Bed of Knives)

I loved this. I really like good sci-fi and this is certainly an example. Well structured and researched I found this story utterlt engaging. Top work!
Cheers Cam
(Ravenmyth)

Dena,

I'm returning your recent read of Appetites. Thank you for your comments on and support of my work.

Starting with the pitch. The short version strikes me as a great second sentence, but I'd like to see a lead in that gives me some idea what sort of work this is (more on genre later).

The long pitch, though works well. You introduce your main character and secondary characters, the setting permeates the pitch, and the inciting incident, obstacles faced and story question are all covered. Good pitch.

Now, before I leave the book page, a word on genre: experience here and anecdotal evidence all suggest that agents and editors are looking for works that fit into a readily defined market niche. Sad, but apparently true. You've ticked both science fiction and romance as genre. From your pitch, whilst I don't doubt there is romance, a love story even, I'm pretty sure that is science fiction and I'd be inclined to stick with that genre.

Onto the work proper. Here I start by reading the opening fourteen lines--roughly the first page--closely and asking myself, would I read on? Fourteen lines of your work gives me three and a bit paragraphs.

This opening is well done, there's action--through dialogue--you start in res media, but you also provide us exposition in a natural way. Even subtle touches like the reference to Oroni's metallic hand and rippling scales (confirming my impression from the pitch that you have a non-human MC).

My first pause in reading comes after fourteen lines, when I read:

. . . there was the possibility on the distant [and] growing ever closer horizon . . .

here, I couldn't help thinking that 'but' would be a better word choice than 'and' (but please ignore me if you think I'm talking rubbish, I'm no expert).

A little further on I found what I think might be a typo:

The leader felt fuel leach away from [t]his face . . .

You then move quickly into drama, the events around Ergaleio's disappearance are well narrated with good pace, and the tension fo Oronis' advisers disagreeing.

Some thoughts at the end of chapter one, your exposition is seemless, really no info-dump at all that I can see. But, this actually stretches comprehension--at least for me--there are a number of unexplained references to technology and physiology, which each on their own are fine, but collectively had me scratching my head and wanting more information. I guess I can take a certain ammount being taken for granted, but at some point I want an explanation . . . I think you're getting very close to that point.

Another observation is on dialogue, there were occasions where you paragraphed one character's dialogue with another's reaction ('Bright Sentience! Oronis?' Kaedox' exclamation bumped Oronis out of the shock . . .) and others where dialogue was buried in or behind narrative (He bristled under scrutiny. "I'm merely stating the obviou . . ."). I'd recommend always separating dialogue and associated reactions by character, and wherever possible having your dialogue occur at the beginning of paragraphs rather than in the middle or at the end. (This advise was given to me by a professional editor and I have found following it--at least in the main--has greatly helped my writing.)

Okay, I've read on into chapter two and see that the writing continues in much the same vein.

Honestly, this isn't the sort of science fiction I read, but it seems well written to me and I'm happy to give it a spin on my shelf.

Dena,

What a wonderful imagination you have. You've got some hellified names for your characters, but ilike them.

A good title, a good cover, good pitches, and great writing will almost always get my attention. As an old marketing and sales guy, and a writer for almost ten years, I have one suggestion.

I think you present the readers with too many questions in your full pitch. I believe it would be more effective if it summarized the key plot points of the novel with only one question for the readers to ponder.

From what I've read, I know you possess the skills to do it.

Shelved

Rodney

A good cover and the pitches work well, even though I'm not keen on the section, "that will thread you," as I'd rather see a pitch that doesn't mention the reader. Just my opinion - the pitch works well enough.
I loved the inventive "stutter" language, your spell checker must have been working overtime! I'm not a sci-fi devotee, even though I've read a fair amount on this site, so I'll comment purely as a reader. Your imagination is remarkable, plot, character names, descriptions, all fresh and different. You're also a talented story-teller - even when writing of an imaginary world, the story still has to engage the reader and this story certainly succeeds on that score. This is very well written with strong characters and I've enjoyed reading it.
Backed.
Jared.

Crescendo Oronos:

Dena, I have to be honest with you. I rarely read sci-fi but I must say you write it very well indeed, and I truly envy the vivid imagination you have. :)

I loovve thhe robbottic spppechhh (See? I can't even do that right!), and I can 'hear' it clearly.:)

Going to back this, and I wish you all the best with it. :)

cáit ~ Muckers ~

Hi Dena :)

What I've read is well written with a good plot and some excellent dialogue.

I write Sci-fi as well and it ain't easy.

Ted

Hi Dena :)

What I've read is well written with a good plot and some excellent dialogue.

I write Sci-fi as well and it ain't easy.

Ted

It's an eye opener for me as I have never read sci-fi before and was surprised to find it well and truely grounded and believable, the characters are well developed and enough desciption for the imagination, not too much, just right. Tightly written which makes me go smoothly from one para to the next. Makes me want to read more.
Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

Crescendo Oronis reads to me like a serious science-fiction novel, set in a new world and culture. You create the worldview in a concise and credible way with a skillful, effective writing style that I found easy to read.Your characters come to life well, with crisp and realistic dialogue. Your chapters have good hooks to keep the reader motivated to turn the pages. What more could you ask?
Backed

Hi Dena. Just read the first two chapters. This is an imaginative science fiction story. We are thrown straight into the future world, without preamble, and there is plenty of plot to hook us in. The writing is of a good standard, although perhaps in need of a little polishing. There are a few typos and grammatical errors (‘…and awaited his chief of security to arrive’ for example, which needs to be either ‘ and waited for his chief of security to arrive’ or ‘and awaited his chief of security.’) and the odd unnecessary word or phrase (‘This time it might actually result in benefiting his people instead of causing a public outcry’ for example, which would work better if paired down to ‘this time it might actually benefit his people instead of causing a public outcry.’). I would also be tempted to bring forward the first name-check for Oronis to the second sentence of chapter one, rather than the fifth, for clarification. Just a thought, anyway. There is much to enjoy in this; a fun and engaging slice of futurism. Good luck with it. Shelved. All the best, Michael

Dear Dena,

Crescendo Oranis
So earthlings are organics, ha ha. Love that. And the turn around, instead of ... for God's sake ... it's for Sentience's sake. These 'evolved' creatures whose scales ripple are fun. They put off communication with earth for a few mellenia. During their last contact they were worshipped as Gods. And now they gate and land in Utah. Then they fold, so as not to scare the organics with their height. Not sure why Oronis is so keen to track down Ergaleio, but the whole story hangs on that, so expectations are raised. And romance to come, with Mercedes, I guess. It's all rather fun.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Dena,
Excellent writing. Wow, what a wonderful imagination. I'm stumped at how you manage to come up with all the clever names. I love this kind of sci-fi, all so believable. I had to laugh when you mentioned Holograms. I made some of the first holograms ever when I was in college, back in 1969, with a HeNe laser. Back then we thought holograms would store data for computers. You weave an entertaining and complex tale here with drilling for fuel, Holy grounds and Ergaleios disappearing off to planet Earth. Oronis must find his brother and this promises much adventure to come. Well done. Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Cool story...shelved.
Well I enjoyed all I read..great characters,
well thought out world and society.
Congratulations,
Suggestions.
Usually they start these things with a big bang....
You still have the option of maybe a flashback prologue
.. or.. some incident in the war, or maybe a childhood rift between
brothers.
Lotsa luck with it

Dena
This is a really appealing alternative future story. Great energy comes over in your writing and it rubs off on the reader, making for an exciting read. You don’t waste time with back story or reflection, but just get on with it – Bravo! I’m a big fan of this kind of story telling. And neither do you spend ages with micro-detail as a lot of sci-fi writers do. I like the irreverent matter-of-fact attitude towards technology etc. A sound introduction chapter and I’m looking forward to more. No complaints from me.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

I think you may need to throw a couple of dialogue tags into the first chapter. Other than that, it worked.

Dana

Am not a Sci Fi fan, but I can recognise good writing when I see it......

I went to a Writers Conference, a Literary Agent gave a speech on 'How not to present a Manuscript' top of the list was to open with dialogue......She said....It's like sitting in the theatre, the lights go down, the play starts but the curtain does not rise......The only person that can visualise the opening scene is the writer..... It made me change mine......You have is all here, just not in the order preferred by the Good & The Great...

Open with Oronis and Machinist, clarify who they are, where they are and what they're doing....and then:-
'With that in mind........bla bla .....

Your shout of course, you may not agree. I can see the Sci Fi audience lapping this up...

Shelved.

Dena, I struggle with crits on SF as it's just not a genre I read very much, so I can only go on the writing. I thought that was very good, with some clear characterisation and crisp dialogue. I was a little lost in the opening pars (but that's because I tend to glaze over technical stuff!) but it came alive for me with the realisation that the brother is missing.
I reckon SF fans would love this so I'm happy to back.
jane
WALKER

Dena, I thought for sure you would have a Bubba or Jim Bob in this story--I know I would!

Kidding aside, this is a wonderful piece of science fiction. The characters and setting are vividly rendered and you have created a conflict that stirs emotion--the need for a brother to be rescued. Great job. Backed.

Straight forward, interesting and with lots of ideas.
The writing, in my humble opinion, is very very good.
Backed.

A nice linear read, runs smooth. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Interesting. I read the first three chapters. The opening was a little rough - I couldn't tell who was talking and so I felt a bit lost - who are these characters, where am I and why should I care. By chapter 2 I was starting to see some interesting plot potential - a group dragged about, saving the brother -- some classic themes. The opening of three was a bit dramatic, but the dialogue was clean and easy to follow (beware all the exclaimation points though). Overall, a quality draft with a strong sense of what sci-fi readers will want (action and science). Good luck to you.

Hi Dena!

This is some very good writing here... It's more sci-fi than I am qualified to help with in regards to critiques, but it is clear that you've got a great imagination and are putting it to good use here! I love that you drive the story forward with dialogue, rather than relying on info dump. Very compelling stuff - backed!

Kim
Invisible Justice

A clean read. Liked the flow and the plot. One brother that looks at another with a weary eye. Nicely done. You have done well to set so much up in so little space. A mark of good writing. Good luck and on my shelf. Connie

This is a very intelligent piece of writing. The plot is clever and well-worked out, and the characters are very imaginative and full of surprises. I particulalry like your evocative descriptive passages, and the way you draw us in and along with little twists and turns to the story. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Hi Dena,

would you care for a swap read?

"Merkabah at the centre of the universe"

Regards
Ariel

I'm backing this for originality and quality of writing. I think for sci fi fans this will be a hit. Personally, I want to bond with another human to draw me deep into the story.
BADD

Crescendo Oronis

Hi Dena,

What a fantastic imagination you have. A rich science fiction story borne immediately into the flow of plot and character, which is great. I did find the pitch a little confusing and you may want to tidy it up a bit. It was the names that threw me, rather a lot of them in such a small space. You have a strong idea here which powers along, I am not sure that beginning with dialogue is the best idea, it didn’t hook me and I know there is advice from the published industry about beginning with dialogue. The search for fuel is an interesting opening and it is a clever way of helping us through the politics of this world. The brother axis is clearly the main conflict and you do a good job of making this the central focus of the first chapter. Much to think about and keep me interested and I will be reading on. Welcome to this site, I hope it provides you with as much help and support as it has me.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss) –all help gratefully received

There are some typos (or what I assume are typos as the beginning of chapter two. DOuble ii in Diane and time and double aa in take. Not sure if this is in your master copy.

Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Thank you for the great comment! I would like to point out that the typos are in there on purpose, but perhaps that means that I need to clarify that sooner than I do. ^_^ Thank you again!