First person is difficult to do but you seem to have done it beautifully. I love how you put Hanna brakes her silence at the beginning and then goes back to the beginning with her Momma who seems to have dementia. Such a hard life. There could be more description. What does Hanna look like? Her hair color? Her Momma? The color of the room, where are the toys, book shelf?

Hi Robb,

This is very clean writing and it reads very well. No stumbles, no confusion, nothing to suggest at all. I'm envious.

Madison Woods - Retribution

Great characterization and clear, smooth prose. Compelling enough to keep the reader concerned about Hannah's fate.

Hannah's Voice

Hi Robb,

This is accomplished stuff, an intriguing and humane beginning, fluctuating between her silence and her interactions, you depict all of that well. The convolutions tighten in chapter 2 and you keep it rolling, a wonderful warm honey-voiced narrative, like a John Irving book, many characters left to interact with each other in a myriad ways. The decision to become mute is interesting, elective and enigmatic, as much about keeping control as going deeper inside herself.

Best wishes and good luck with this excellent piece of work

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

I was already teetering on the brink of insanity by the end of the first chapter.

But I mean that in a good way :)

This is an interesting premise, the opening lines are great. I get a real sense of conviction from your MC.

Robb,
Whoa, I am hooked and I have only read through chapter two. I plan to read on, but I wanted to go ahead and shelve you first. Hannah is a prodigy it seems. She reminds me of a boy I met once, he unnerved me, he was about six and spoke to me as an adult. She has incredible insight while still maintaining the innocence of a child. This is really well written, I can't even complain about grammar or tempo, kudos to you. I am on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happens to her when the policeman and her mother arrive. I have knots in my stomach. Also, you're description of the surroundings bring the reader into the room with her, into her head. I wish to see you make the ED desk and to read the crit. I'll let you know when I've read more.

Cheers,
Nietsa

What an effortless read. The way you write and the ease with which you tell the story is magical. You and the reader are right inside the heads of the characters, it's believable, atmospheric, peppered with flashes of wit and with a plot I need to read to the end.
Whilst original, it's after the style of Torey Heydon, a great favourite of mine. You are right up there with her and this goes on my shelf with pleasure. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

This is a truly engaging story. Hannah is delightful. Although I've only read a partial, I'm hooked, plus I know that you're going to deal with some important issues.

Keep in mind that I'm biased in favour of stories where the author has something important to stay, but you're backed.

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

Hi Robb,

I loved the premise. It’s intriguing and will convince anyone to read the book.

Great opening; it pulled me in right away.

Mumma didn’t want to the devil hiding in the dust under the bed – beautiful line.

I loved the innocence in the narrative voice; it’s very authentic and I felt connected to Hannah and sympathised with her. She felt very real. The only thing was that I only felt a young Hannah in the dialogue but in the narrative itself it felt like an older voice, maybe a fifteen year old. Loved the humour; so sweet. Hannah’s mother reminds me of my mother when I was growing up; always concerned and the constant nagging to brush one’s teeth. This brought back some wonderful old memories.

Chap 2 is so moving. Poor Madison.

“Yes(,) sir.” You forgot the comma with direct address.

As the story develops, it seems Hannah is transforming from a somewhat innocent child to slightly malicious. This is interesting.

Wonderful vivid descriptions and great pacing. The characterisation and dialogue felt natural and believable. This is a compelling read and if I saw it in a bookstore I would buy it. Only read the first 5 chapters but am very intrigued. Sounds like some kind of devil has crawled into Hannah's soul.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I've only read two chapters already but it's good - I am intrigued by Hannah and you've got into the characters straight away - I'm going to have to read more later!

Robb,

You asked for some quick comments a while back.
Pitch: mostly works, but I feel it's a bit hollow in the middle, where we should be given some reason as to why she stops speaking. As it; it sounds intriguing, but doesn't *quite* fully make sense to me. If you tell use why (I've read the first three chapters, and I think she stops speaking because people refuse to believe her), you can use this as device to hang the rest of the pitch on. That backbone is missing, so that's why I said hollow in the middle.
Chapters: I know you can write. There are a number of really nice images. I loved the bickering between the kids at bible study. I loved how you showed the mother's OCD. Occasionally, I feel you slip a bit out of the POV of a young child and the observations are a tad too mature. 'The police had nothing on me' is one such example. It steps back from the child and views a situation as a whole, and I find that a tad uncovincing for a child's POV.
Do you need chapter 1? I'm asking this because based on chapter 1, I wouldn't be interested in reading this, but if you started with chapter 2, I would. The scenes in the chapter don't seem to follow one another in a logical way (or at least I'm having trouble figuring it out), and I'm not really sure what they are meant to signify. I'd start with chapter 2, because it has more coherence, more tension and feels more like a child's POV.

Dear Robb,
Brilliant opening, both micro and macro in its import.

Wonderful, H's theory on her inability to tell a lie. And then the callback at the end of Ch 1, her mouth being too clean. Fabulous!
Wonderful imagery; she can't have her Daddy's teeth, the Devil in his lungs, Mother's glasses bumping on the top of H's head.
Don't think you need "softly" in "flop softly" – the sweater gives us that.
You do love the devil and the glasses! (Used glasses twice in close proximity with Mom and Elizabeth. And then again with the principal -- just noting.)
Love the quick sketches of character description: Hannah smaller than the vacuum, Mrs. V's navy blue padded shoulder, Michael's sleeping problems.

A lingering concern: the 6-yr-old Hannah is so mature, so smart – can we believe that she's only six with thoughts so advanced? Though the spelling contest gives us a clue about her intelligence, it's one thing to spell Jehoshaphat, and another to understand the complex idea that being Hannah is "somebody" enough.

Loved Mrs. V's obvious sadistic tendencies toward her students.
"she so hoped everyone would notice" this sounds like teenspeak, which seems waaaay out of place for your beautiful prose. Also, the phrase, "perhaps he wanted to talk some SHIT with me" seems very, um, hip and/or street, for countrygirl Hannah.
Funny: H taking Mrs. V literally and having to wash under her fingernails. Now that makes her young.
Funny: that H feels she should be polite to Brother Ronnie.
Here's a nitpick: the word "bushy" is being used to describe both Mrs. V's eyebrows as well as Br. Ronnie's knuckles.
Momma's doing the dance to shake the devil off is just chilling.

Stunning what you're doing with the concept of religious fanaticism. It's sly and gentle – and extremely powerful.
As I've said to only one other writer on this site: I'm slack-jawed with wonder which frankly, does nothing for my looks. If I could, I'd shelve it twice.

The first thing we think of is to drive out the demons. DAmn. If I didnt actually know people like that I would be amused but I really hate those guys.
I really feel for Hanna, Ihad to confess I wondered if she hadnt pushed Maddie and just forgot. Like ehs did with the word shirt. and expression of anger.
Great book, heart wrenching.

Hey Robb,

It's very rare here that I come across something that makes me read on for several chapters.
I love Hannah's voice. You have so many little quirks in there that make her come alive. I love how she spells out words throughout the chapters. I loved the whole religion thing but it reminded me of 'Carrie'...not sure if you want that but I'll bet you'll get it a lot.

Couple of nits.

The line ‘maybe Maddie was already dead’ and then the follow up to the funeral went quick. I wanted to see more there. Although at the same time it really made me question later whether or not she had actually pushed the girl.

I’m kinda questioning why they’d bring in a policeman so quickly if they hadn’t managed to get hold of her mother first. I’m not sure that would actually happen in real life. I know you tried explaining it later but it still sounded wrong to me.

Mom said she never had to go back to the school but she’s there a few paragraphs later without explanation?

My Mom does that. Even as an adult she’ll ask me six or seven times if I’ve done something. It must be a parental thing.

I Do like the way you draw us in to share the young girl's thoughts. RJW

I'm still digesting what I read - it's so beautiful, provocative, compelling, unique, believable. What a gem. Great writing, I believe, is all in the details: the pancakes (as well as the "goddamn pancakes"), the teeth, the chalk on the blackboard, the fingers in the blood, the spelling bee prizes, the glasses hanging from Hannah's mother's neck. I am really impressed, as well as a bit envious, of this book. I know that if I read more, it will only get better and better. On my shelf.

Where's the rest?! I think I enjoyed this even more than 'Carry Me Away' but you haven't continued either! You have woven an excellent tapestry of characters here and I am impatient to see how the story unfolds. This is one of my favourite things I've read here... easily top three.

I don't see why this book has a red arrow, Robb. I've read two chapters. This is a complete story, so I have no edit suggestions. Why would I?

I'll put this on my shelf. Hopefully, my backing will start it moving upwards.

best
anne

Hi Robb, greetings from Chapel Hill! You're describing the North Carolina beside me, all around me, a few years ago, maybe still today... Have you read Sunday's Child? Not the US, but something very similar in the tone, mood, situation - but Anne's is semi-autobiographical - I'm impressed at how well you carry off this character and voice, I wonder what your inspiration was.

No structural or stylistic flaws for me, I just read the first couple of chapters straight through, getting uncomfortable remembering being 7 and 8 in school... Well written, thorough, evocative.

Only two things to pick at: one tiny: you have 'sewing' for 'sowing' at the end of ch 3.

The other, I don't know, but here it is: if someone hasn't spoken for 12 years, you might like to consider what state their voice will be in. Unless she has been humming, singing, talking to herself or something, her voice will be very, very strange.

I knew a yogi who took a vow of silence for 25 years. Apparently when he had completed his vow, it took him a year or so to regain near-normal speech. Initially it was so squeaky-scratchy and soft that what was audible was incomprehensible. He used to talk with babies and small children for practice. He's dead now, but it was Baba Hari Dass who was living in California. I guess the muscles atrophy, as though you were in a cast all that time. It might be more extreme for Hannah because of the changes that her body and voice should have been working through in those years. Or it might be mitigated by her youth, I don't know. Of course, I have no way of knowing if you'd address it later.

Forgive the rambling. Wonderful book! Backed, of course!

Robin

Oh, wow. You've written a great story here. You've set up the conflict in the first paragraph. And though from that point on, it's sort of back story, it's not, it's the story. It moves us forward and forward until we find out why Hannah stops talking. I had wondered how you would make it really believable as I started in on the first chapter, but it's actually more believable because of the small little insights we get into Hannah's personality and her mother's OCD behavior. In the middle of Hannah's explanation of why she doesn't feel the need to answer the same question over and over, you tell us exactly what we need to know about the mother. "It wasn't that the fear of hell my mother preached incessently...." Brilliant. You've told us about the mother without "telling us" about the mother. It's perfectly streamlined into Hannah's point of view.

Just a couple of super nit-picky things I noticed. Super trivial stuff, but.... So you know I'm really reading and not just sucking up.

Just after Michael is asked to wake up and before they go to the gym there should be a break. When she spells pants, pance, there are a few words missing. "I know you know how to spell.." I think it should read.

I would like to say more, but this comment thing won't let me navigate around it the way I want to. I'm puting you on my bookshelf right now and I'll keep reading, though heaven knows I need to be working on something else. But I need to take a break from my own seemingly pointless endeavors to publish. It's refreshing to read someone who's got a chance. Great work! I feel honored to be reading it.

This is spectacular. I've only read two chapters so far but I feel like this is a glimpse into the mother's insanity/mental illness. But told through the eyes of a child.

Holly

This is a fantastic story, I was hooked from the first paragraph. You can hear the child's voice so clearly, and her observations are truly the guiless observations of an eight year old. I love it. I'm shelving you! Keep up the good work! Straussy

Maybe because I have a Hannah, or maybe because I can so vividly see this one, from the opening (or second line) of her dialogue you captured me and made me feel her. Thank you

Ok, I really like this. It's not my usual thing by any means, but I found myself caught up by it. I really like Hannah, she has a real quality about her that is very appealing.

There were little things that I really liked, like Hannah imagining the other little girl - Elizabeth - as a demon or devil - was very clever.

I can't see anything at all wrong with the writing, it was very smooth and easy to read.

The only comment I would make is Hannah's voice. It may be intentional, but she sounds so very mature. I'd like to see a little bit more of the child in those early scenes.

On my shelf though.

Robb! Unbelievable. Alfred Hitchcock, The Bad Seed with much more intensity and twists. Each scene introduces new dilemma's. You masterfully derive sympathy for the protagonist in the first chapter, justify her rebellion in the second chapter and then allow us to question her sanity in the thrid. Brilliant. Shelved. Janet Marie

Superb. Great story and your writing gives Hannah a voice that resonates with every reader. Shelved.

Wowee! This a blinding good blurb if I say so myself!!! *adds to watchlist*

You already know I like this. I still have more to read but I love the internal monologues, thought processes and the characters. Hannah commands the reader's sympathy within minutes - her mother is truly scary; she could be so much worse but still, an easily annoyed mother does not a happy child make. I will be able to offer more useful and comprehensive feedback once I've finished reading this :) She had a spell on my shelf months and months ago but is back up there today, for advertising, if not for a vote that counts.

Robb,

In your blurb, you said “One word could put an end to the chaos.” So I chuckled when the first word I saw in Chapter 1 was “Pancakes.” No if that’s not a word to bring about world peace, then I don’t know what would! LOL!

Again, you offer us an endearing portrait of a troubled little girl, saddled with a loony-tunes for a mother (and an inherently evil teacher!). Her precociousness is just precious. It just boggles my mind the gift you have, as a man, capturing the heart and spirit of a little girl. So many shining moments here, like Hannah correcting the substitute teacher’s misspelling on her spelling test. I cracked up in several places, like the dialogue in chapter 3 where the kids debated what happened to Jonah in the whale. Hysterical! Blending humor with a sense of wistfulness and longing and innocence was superbly crafted.

Loved these phrases (out of numerous wonderful phrases!):

“quiet…wrapped around my shoulders like a quilt.”

“strained the air through her gills.”

“voice reminded me of a cheese grater as she scraped over her words.”

A heart-tugging evocative story that’s sure to capture the HC editors’ attention, hopefully soon! Your book is shelved.

Great stuff! I feel like I'm inside of Hannah's head. And you are able to pull off a non-linear story - going out of sequence so smoothly is not an easy task. Love the little references to the Bible / Jesus and the guilt that goes with it. Love the spelling test and Hannah's innocent ways. I love it - shelved. Now I just have to make space.

Robb,
You have done it again. Your writing is professional. You are a storyteller. You get it just right. I've mentioned to a few other people on the site that when I am reading their books, I feel like I am reading a published book, not a work in progress, or a work that is being promoted to be published.
Hannah's voice is excellent, in little ways and big.
On my shelf.

Hey Robb,
I've just read the first four chapters of your book. This is a beautiful story, I love hannah she's so sweet and intelligent, i love how she thinks. I also love the way she deal's with the loss of her father and friend, that they were sleeping with jesus and the angel's. I can't wait to read more.
Melissa xx

This is a real lesson in understated prose and voice. You handle a young child's voice so well, I am a little in awe. What is really striking here is how calm the writing is, while allowing us to see the cacophpny of madness building up around her. Show not tell: this is what they're talking about.

I would be very curious to see where you take this story. Do you plan to post more?

Robb,

I need to steady myself here because I'm in danger of gushing... and I'm really not the gushing sort. This is the finest work I've read on here so far - and when it's published it will easily hold its own on my real-life bookshelves. In the meantime, it's going on my virtual bookshelf until it hits the editor's desk at No.1, and it's also getting a loud plug in the "recommended reads" section of the forum.

The writing is superb, the story fascinating and well-crafted. The series of coincidences and subsequent effects are entirely believable. The characters are all beautifully drawn - there are no shadowy people here; each is as rich and individual as the next. Wonderful, considered creations.

The atmosphere is dramatic and vivid - my favourite scene is the deconstruction of Jonah's story during Sunday School... this is such a fabulous sketch of children's capacity to innocently crush a teacher's control. I'm gushing now, aren't I? Okay, onto the nitpicking... and these are such small nits they'd fall straight through the comb.

Hannah tells how she kissed her father's body in church - "Momma said he was going to sleep..." - surely he was already asleep?

Teacher - "... so someone else can win and we can have a new weekly champion." - would be fine as "... so we can have a new weekly champion." It becomes apparent just a few lines further down that Hannah has been hogging the title.

Mrs B and Bro. Ronnie visit - Mrs B tells how Hannah disrupted Sunday School - I know the mother is crazy but, given her religious bent, surely she'd have commented straight away; would have wanted to know the full story? Then again during the storm scene later Ruth seems the least worried and yet, again, I'd have thought she'd have considered the storm God or the Devil's work and would have reacted more in line with the other adults. Maybe I'm missing something, but both incidents seemed out of character for her.

Brother Ronnie talking about the whale - "...or if it's an allegory, a story told to make a point" - go for either/or, not both.

And that's it on the nit-picking. Certainly for chapters 1-9. The rest is just sheer bloody perfection.

Chapter 10... I don't understand what's happening here - how does this fit with the main story? I think it might be worth taking this chapter out until there's more to follow and its purpose becomes clear. It took the edge off the joy of the other chapters because the misfit jarred and my confusion got in the way of the reading to some extent.

I also felt the writing here was weaker; the pace didn't always work, the intentional repetition of "shiny" just absolutely jarred for me and I didn't know what you were trying to achieve there. The simultaneous masturbation scene at the end felt too contrived. There were also a few instances of over-egging the point:

Ronnie preaching, Mimi arrives at church - "... he knew better than to press too hard. He was careful to harvest the crop, not bruise the fruit. If he pressured her, he might drive her away." That last sentence isn't necessary, IMO - it steals the beauty of "harvest the crop, not bruise the fruit" and adds nothing. And further down - "his faith would keep him strong." is enough - we know what this means.

It was an absolute pleasure to read this work. I really can't wait for the rest. And now I suspect my bath has gone completely cold and I'll have to run it again.

regards, Sandie

Robb

I love the language. There is not a word I would change. Great openner and good close to chapter 1. Well done!

I can't believe this is sliding in the rankings. That must change. You have my backing. Up on the shelf you go!

Whilst mine is a thriller from a female perspective, I suspect you can add value on that side. I look forward to your comments.

BW

ChrisX
I DARE YOU (4586)

The dialogue is so real. The theme is unusual and fascinating. It's on my WL.

Good luck, Joanna

Wow. Just, wow. I love Hannah, she's so much like me when I was little. Truthfully, I normally don't like stories with so much religious context, but this one has me absolutely hooked. It's a beautifully crafted story that doesn't try to preach your eyeballs out like so many I've had to endure. Well done.

What the heck just happened? I sat down to read the first couple of chapters, and before I know it, nine chapters and a short story have gone by! The few comments I have are -


Chapter One

Oh my god, she's breaking my heart! My youngest isn't much older (she's eight) and I just want to reach into my computer and grab Hannah and hold her tight.

Chapter Two

"If you won the spelling quiz, why would you need an eraser?" I can so hear my youngest saying this - you've done a terrific job of capturing the voice Hannah would use.

Chapter Three

"Did the Bible make a mistake?" I want to adopt this precocious child right this second!

Rest of the chapters - sorry, I was far too caught up in the story to make notes. You have an amazing gift for capturing not only Hannah's voice, but every other character's as well. I got pulled into this world, and it is with great reluctance that I find I've come to the end of what's here. And please, please, please don't tell Carrie, but at the moment - I think I love Hannah just a tiny smidge more...

See you on the Ed Desk again very soon!

~Traci

I really like this first chapter. Good clean and publishable I'd say. I'll shelve it and come back for some more later.

After three chapters I was in love with MC. I don't suppose we are going to get any more of this...

Robb
This is great. Meant to take a look ages ago but I am now whizzing it to my shelf. Can't wait to hear what happens to "Carrie" at the end of the month too.
Elinor

Hi Robb, Finally got there, worth the wait. Perfect. You really know how to get inside the head of a slightly nutty (actually, I think she's barking mad, but that's hardly surprising: her mother reads Ezekiel at breakfast?) six year old girl. Wow. Excellent. And it's nice to laugh, too, every now and then. Seriously, this is the best thing I've read for a long while, and that includes a good deal of published material.

A couple of minor things: I'm not entirely convinced by the beginning-of-the-silence bit. I think it would work better if her mother didn't say she'd been silent for "days, weeks, maybe", since it's clearly not true (if it were true, it's a little curious that we should get this far without it being an issue) and means the mother's mad, too, which, even if it also were true (as it appears to be), raises the question of why everyone humours her. Whereas if this is the beginning of the silence then no-one would make much of a fuss, which is exactly what's happening. And perhaps just a thought from Hannah when she stops talking? Or don't you want to do that? Doesn't have to be profound.

The other thing that didn't quite ring true was the way the principal handed her over to the police. She's only six. Of course, maybe this is the sort of thing that happens in North Carolina, who knows? I've never been to North Carolina. Actually, that's not true, I changed planes there once, in one of those tobacco towns, I forget which one, Winston, or Salem, or Camel (where's Marlboro country? Is that in North Carolina?). I remember I was astonished that the airport was full of what Danny Kaye would have called shoe-shine boys. I didn't think they still existed (admittedly, this was a while ago now). And of course, all the "boys" were black, and all the people having their shoes shined were white.

I had a friend once from North Carolina. She was barking mad, too. So, you see.

A little baffled by chapter 10 - is that supposed to be there? I suspect not.

Anyway, it's on my shelf. Anything else I can do...?

Robb,
This is fantastic. It flows so easily. I was entranced immediately. I felt like I was 6 years old again. You captured the life of a child so vividly. And I absolutely loved the quote, "If you won the spelling quiz, why would you need an eraser?"

Just one nit - in Chapter 2 you might want to capitalize Revelation.

Very enjoyable read. Thanks! - Vicki Fitzgerald (I don't know why my name is showing up as "Kathy Lamb" - I'm trying to get it fixed.

Hi y'all,
I just finished the rest of the chapters, and wow. You know, that thing I said before, about not having a feeling of a "place" - that ceased to matter after three chapters. I simply didn't care where the story was taking place, I only cared that it continued. Hannah's snow baby tugged at my heart strings all the way through. You'd better not let anything happen to that snow baby, I can't stand the thought of it. Although of course Hannah isn't meant to stay the sweet, innocent child forever - the opening of the book tells us that. I'll repeat myself when I say this, but I'm certain that Hannah will fly up in the ranks in the next few weeks - I know you said you weren't ready for it, but you'd better start getting ready. As for possible suggestions, if you're looking for them - I thought that the part about Hannah's baptism was a bit long. I found myself skipping a paragraph or two at that point. All for now! And yes, I did find the sweet tea reference in chapter 4 :)

Hi Robb,
Wow, you've taken on a heavy subject here, and I'm shelving Hannah because I simply must know where you go with her. Have read three chapters so far, and here are a few thoughts (take them or leave them...) Firstly, I would have liked a little more sense of a place, specifically, North Carolina. I only say this because I lived there. From reading the first few chapters, I would say I didn't "feel" it. *IF* you wanted to change anything, I'd say I would add things like sweet tea, or pork barbecue, or an occasional leftover confederate flag, or even a couple more "y'all"s. Secondly, I felt that you may be coming on too strongly with everyone disliking and antagonizing Hannah as much as they do so early on, children and adults alike (her mother excluded). Up until the point where she brought up the fish vs. whale discrepancy, she had not really come off as a troublemaker. I may have missed the boat on this one, but it's just an impression I got. Will keep reading and commenting. Good luck with this, it's going to be an exciting ride!
Katia

So good, so good. For the first few chapters I wasn't even aware Hannah wasn't talking. The last part of chapter 9 is both sad, and frightening because while not talking is a choice Hannah has made, it seems silly for her not to tell she has to go to the bathroom. So I'm thinking that not speaking is not totally her own conscious choice. All the characters are realistic. Hannah is a likable one.

on my shelf

Robb, just as you did with Carrie in the wonderful 'Carry Me Away' you get the reader's sympathy and immediate connection with your main character. From there you really want them to do well and succeed and to come out on top. You get the measure of her foster parents as well don't you straight away. I don't know what else I can say, only that I have to agree with the other comments who say that this will soon be joining Carrie up the top.

Good luck!

For a first draft i think this reads very well. Your subject matter is not what i am not familiar with. I knew of a case where a boy refused to talk for ten years because his father always told him to shut up. would read on. great writing.