Hi Craig,
I'm here for our swap. First off, great concept. I like it! Agatha is an admirable character with much tenacity - able to do the same job for 60 years and I can see her crouched over her desk - you draw her image very well. One sentence is a bit confused "although the rest of the world, she took comfort in still writing the..." I dont think you need the word still. Another tip I can give you is consider getting rid of some of your HADs -- i donnt think you need them all, find a better word choice or sometimes you can even just delete them. For instance, in this sentence 'she had never doubted the accuracy' you have two of them. Just say 'she never doubted the accuracty of her additions in all those years.'

On to chapter two: I see now we are beginning the real story - so the first was a prologue of sorts? Well, it works, so don't let people tell you it doesnt. I think it sets the mood of the story and gives us something to look forward to.

Barry is an odd sort, having internal dialogues with himself, huh? But don't we all! By the way, I always order diet coke at mcdonalds -- I cant stand the taste of regular coke, so there! (oh I see more HADs in chapter two -- get out that red pen mister!)) What a mundane job he has though, pickle boy.

chapter 3: I like the quick sweet chapters, really moves us along! I can tell Martin is going to be a great foil for Barry. Barry and Martin, sweet. Typo here: "that's not true, your very good at bullshitting" should be you're

YAY, I like it! I read enough now to know that you have set the stage for a very good story. interesting three dimentional characters, plot, secrets, funny settings, love it to I am going to back it. But, do an edit and weed out those simple things I mentioned.

all the best
karen

Love it. Love it. Love it!!! This is terrific! The whole burger joint scenes are priceless, not only the diet Coke scenario but the whole change for 20 scam. Fantastic stuff that dances off the page! Very funny!

Hi Craig -

This is a truly delightful book - original, entertaining and really made me smile. I'm not a writer who feels qualified to critique the style or mechanics of others, but I can give an honest opinion on what I do or don't like and can say that I would puchase this book for sure!

Bravo:)

Ci

Hi Craig,
This made me laugh! Love your pitch.
It is well written and I could feel Barry's frustration at his life - love his name too, perfect ;-)
I want to read on to check that he gets his success in the end and for that reason, this is up on my shelf.
Good stuff, really funny.
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Craig, I have really enjoyed the beginning of Project Christmas and can easily relate to Barry's job hunt dilemma - consultants? don't get me started - and I loved the descriptions of the roundabout conversations in the burger bar, very funny and you communicate Barry's frustration very well. I hope to come back and read more, WL permitting, but, in the meantime, it is on my shelf. With best wishes, Andrew (author of BIG FISH).

Hey, this is really a clever story with a lot of very unique and original thinking. I commend you for this. I think this has a wonderful tone and feel to it. I love the characters and your use of description. My only one tiny weeny itzy bitzy niggle is that a lot of your sentences are the same length which hinders your pacing sometimes and adds to the reader to want to skim. I have this problem in my own writing so I know how tough editing your own work can be. What helps me may not help you but here's what I do to help me get varied sentence lengths.

First...
Print out your pages.

Second...
Take a pen or pencil and draw a line from the start of a sentence to the end where the period is. Do that for every sentence on the page. If you see a lot of sentences that have the same length solid lines...you go back and tweak those places so that each paragraph as a variety of sentence lengths and a variety of sentence structures. This will also help move the story along at a nice clip.

I hope this helps you. It really helps me.

Sending positive energy.

Rachel May

Hi Craig. A cheerful suspense. You nick the reader's interest with tidbits of information of several characters, slowly converging the scenarios together. It present man as such, which makes a clean, descriptive comedy. I placed you on my shelf and send my best regards. Janet Marie

Hi Craig! I really liked the first few chapters of your novel. It’s well-written and very funny. The parts about the pickles and how Martin could ram raid a church are both hilarious. One of your book’s strengths is how the way you tell things is written in a unique way. That’s a big plus for me. Oh, I found the prologue quite intriguing. I look forward to reading on to see how everything meshes together.

The only quibble I have, and it’s very minor, is there are a few clichés here and there. Of course, they do easily telegraph meaning to the reader, but if you have the time and the inclination, you might want to go back and weed them out by creating your own, unique phrase that in future years will be quoted by others. For example, describing Martin’s expression as “butter wouldn’t melt.” Perhaps there’s a unique Anderson way to say the same thing. Just an idea.

I’ll be putting Project Christmas on my bookshelf. Thanks for allowing me to read your work. Good luck with your writing! Hope you have the chance to look at The Last Coming Out Story. It’s meant to be funny as well.

Michael

Hi Craig. I'm up to chapter 5, and enjoying it tremendously. I love your portrayal of his mundane life at the burger joint and the pub, and can't wait till we get to the story proper.

Others have pointed out your apostrophe problem. I'll also send you a bag full of commas so you can do some more punctuation.
Some typos in Ch 4
scowering -> scouring
draw -> drawer
phase -> faze

Sounds like a great story idea, though, so I'll slap it on my shelf for a bit.

Hi Craig,
I'm here for our swap. First off, great concept. I like it! Agatha is an admirable character with much tenacity - able to do the same job for 60 years and I can see her crouched over her desk - you draw her image very well. One sentence is a bit confused "although the rest of the world, she took comfort in still writing the..." I dont think you need the word still. Another tip I can give you is consider getting rid of some of your HADs -- i donnt think you need them all, find a better word choice or sometimes you can even just delete them. For instance, in this sentence 'she had never doubted the accuracy' you have two of them. Just say 'she never doubted the accuracty of her additions in all those years.'

On to chapter two: I see now we are beginning the real story - so the first was a prologue of sorts? Well, it works, so don't let people tell you it doesnt. I think it sets the mood of the story and gives us something to look forward to.

Barry is an odd sort, having internal dialogues with himself, huh? But don't we all! By the way, I always order diet coke at mcdonalds -- I cant stand the taste of regular coke, so there! (oh I see more HADs in chapter two -- get out that red pen mister!)) What a mundane job he has though, pickle boy.

chapter 3: I like the quick sweet chapters, really moves us along! I can tell Martin is going to be a great foil for Barry. Barry and Martin, sweet. Typo here: "that's not true, your very good at bullshitting" should be you're

YAY, I like it! I read enough now to know that you have set the stage for a very good story. interesting three dimentional characters, plot, secrets, funny settings, love it to I am going to back it. But, do an edit and weed out those simple things I mentioned.

all the best
karen

Hi Craig,

I read your first four chapters. What a hoot!

You started with an intriguing prologue. Your writing is fluid and easy going. You've given us a likable, fun main character and provided us with great descriptive details on people and places.

The strength of your story is in it's humor, which is spot on.

Some suggested edits.

. . . and attention she had been applying to her job for the last 60 years. Spell out numbers 1 to 99. There are more cases of this type of problem in your first four chapters.

"What drink would you like with that sir? Comma after 'that.'

"Hmm, I'd better make it a Diet Cola" Finish this dialogue sentence with a period.

While he waited for the drinks machine to fill the fat mans bucket sized cup . . . "Mans' should be 'man's.' Same thing with '. . . he also remembered Martins advice about a career in consulting . . . ('Martins' should be 'Martin's.')

"Oh here we go again...." When using ellipsis dots, three are sufficient. There are more cases of this type of problem in your first four chapters.

In addition to his innocent feature's . . . ''Feature's' should be 'features.'

"That's not true your very good at bullshitting.' 'Your' should be 'you're.'

. . . and failed miserably due to the fact he was no so drunk he could hardly talk. 'No' should be 'now.'

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

. . . and the autopilot took saw an opportunity to make a break for it. There seems to be an extra word in this sentence. Is it 'took' or 'saw?'

Barry decide that the internet was as good a starting point as any. Capitalize 'internet.'

I had to slow down to make these notes, but it didn't interfer with my enjoyment of you fabulously humorous story.

Good luck with this book which I have back.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Craig,
This was just what I needed to relax me a little from the frayed nerves that fighing for a place on the eds desk produces. I loved Agatha - every syllable - 'last 60 years / ' razor sharp brain' / 'emotinal part had a good sulk' / cleaning her glasses with her cardigan - making the terrible number clearer.'
And in ch6 'may not be career furthering behaviour' had me laughing out loud. Thank you.
As for Barry. - love the humour of the voice in his head - 'year long bout of dysentery' / 'a huge insult to posts everywhere' / 'fortunately the remaining 1% would be more than enough.'
Not sure about the 'Tiny Tim' ref - Billy Bunter' would seem more appropriate. And you don't need 'over a year ago' following 'learned all this the hard way. - Well I had to find some constructive suggestion to make.
Great stuff,
kept my mind off the frenzy for a good hour, Thank you again,
Margaret
(Munro's Choice If you fancy a look - no humour though - sadly.)
Did I say on my shelf? - I should have.

I had to laugh about the "exciting world of consulting" having been a consultant for years. I loved this wry account of a man just trying to make it in a tough world. I especially loved the jackhammer men inside his head and that kebab! You have a wonderful way with words, e.g., "even a moron as big as his manager had the basic evolutionary skills ..." Much to love here. SHELVED!

Hey Craig,
after reading the HC crits and seeing what I'm probably in for, I thought I'd read something to cheer me up,and you've done the job!
Some lovely touches - I liked the inner voice getting quieter with the beer and the font getting smaller, and I smiled at the penalty pint. Scowering the house looking for an envelope - how close to home that is!
The premise is an intriguing one too and I think this has great potential.
So cheers, Verbal, on the shelf!
Simon

Oh wow, a little piece of easy-going comic perfection, this. Smooth, easy tone, engaging main character, and an oh-so-familiar setting. Well, for me at least. I spent a summer working in a well known fast food establishment. I still have the dreams occasionally.

Thing that made me grin like a loon in the first minute of reading:
Thyroid problem
The charm and charisma of the ebola virus
1% of brain required to do this job

Martin is one of the most infuriating characters I have ever read, so I think you’ve done what you set out to there! Have a look at his line in chapter two: that’s not true your very good at bullshitting” – you need some punctuation and a ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’

There are several lines of dialogue that could benefit from a few commas, just to give the reader some pacing. ‘man’s meal’ in chapter five needs an apostrophe, etc. Always more red pen, huh?

Comedy wise, don’t drag it out – the cv material has probably been done too many times to deserve so much space. The burger job and the union of morons is something that just keeps making me laugh. Shelved.

What a unique concept! The story grips you straight away, and your writing flows so very well, you're definitely on my watch list so I can read more!

Hannah x

HI Craig I have one big question for you. How did my sense of humour seep across the Atlantic? Oh, you're a Brit, you took it with you. Really enjoying your book, great visualisation, I particularly like the origin of the duck billed platypus. I have used something similar in a sequel but yours is less contrived than mine. Dont alter anything specific for any one critic, the next reader may point it out as their favourite bit. Thiswould have happened to me several times if I knew how to edit. On my shelf and the very best of luck. Patrick Barrett.

Craig,

I just clicked here through from the forum, so I have no idea what this book is about, about, but I thought I'd give you a random review.
I presume the first chapter is a prologue.
As it stands, it doesn't quite do 'it' for me. There are several factors that contribute to this.
The first one is plot. While I get a good feel for Agatha and who she is, I don't feel I get enough pointers on what she's doing, or why. I'd like to know a bit more about what she's adding up, and why the end-figure matters. If she can't get the books to balance, what are the consequences for her? That sort of thing would make it more personal.
Secondly, the writing is too verbose. You could easily trim a lot from this little chapter without losing any of its meaning. I'll give you some pointers:
Get rid of all your adverbs.
Get rid of all instances of the word 'that' except where its absence stuffs up the meaning of the sentence.
Get rid of all phrases like 'he noticed that', 'she decided that', 'turned out to be'
For example, in the first sentence of the last paragraph you only need the last few words: The final figure was indeed correct. Maybe precede with something like: she checked, and checked again, but..
Make the prose more direct, shorter. Get rid of any words that add no meaning

Horny elves?...I have to read this...Back later with comments and hopefully backing if it's as good as I think it will be.

Jan (LAZY CATS)

Hi Craig,

Read the first few chapters and loved the humour. I do however, feel that some of the sentences would be even funnier if they were shorter and a little less 'explained'.

Overall - funny with a great deal of promise.

Good luck and shelved.

Kat

Hi Craig
I like the premise and love the wry voice of the narrator – good fit for story. I enjoyed the sarcasm about his job because the narrator is amusing, but I think it would be best to reduce it some in the opening as it takes over the plot at the ever-so-important first 5 pages of the story.

A few typos I noticed in ch 2 :
Barry looked at the man (who) stood at his till.
Capitalize M on “Maybe he has a thyroid problem.”
It was as if his(cut) 99% of his…”
Too fill the fat man’s bucket-sized...(need apostrophe)

Ch 3
Continuing to enjoy the narrator’s voice much the same way I enjoy Terry Practhett’s, esp. reminiscent of the woebegone Rincewind. (By the way, I just checked and saw we both have anything by Terry Pratchett listed on our fave books. No wonder I was drawn to your story...)

Looking forward to reading the rest soon. It's on my shelf. Heather

Hi Craig. At last got round to reading this!
It's laugh out loud stuff - I've been reading bits to my OH who also thought it was very funny.
I loved the description of the 'hoody' customer and how you'd choose him in a police line-up. And the idea of 'Elite Morons' is priceless.
Only read 5 chapters so far, but this really has potential.
There are a few typo's I spotted - eg. "...like a tool" rather than "...a fool" (though the former is funnier!) and "...fowl mood" should be "foul mood" (again, funny!)
Can't wait to read the rest. Shelved. Good luck with this. Alison

Just a short visit on this occasion, but I'll be back to read more. This is well-written and fun. Characterization is good and descriptions are lively. I've backed it and will give fuller comments when I reaad more.
Lilian

Great humour, can't fault the prose, the mental tussle going in Barry's head is frustratingly sharp. You want to buy him a pint and yell at him to 'Get out of there!'. He''s going to do that anyway but the build up to his 'liberation' is funny in a locked way, like a funny pistol is on safety and very soon it's going to cock and explode. I love it, I've shelved it and I haven't even got to the horny elves. I'll read more but right now rugby calls. Great one, Biff.

****SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THROUGH TO CHAPTER SIX!****

SHELVED for the sweetest parenting story I've read in ages. Yay! And we aren't even back yet to the "real story" from the prologue!!

I think there's an alteration you might make that would help this a lot, though. Tom's irresistible humor makes up so much of the charm of this story. But he has got a slightly whiny attitude, thinking everybody is fat and/or a moron, not liking people at work etc. But I think if he had a confidante--aside from his drinking bud, like a cool person at work, or who works next door, who is complicit in his whole adolescent rage-against-the-machine thing--it would totally fix that completely. It's like, there's the tiniest bit too much negativity in the guy, and I know it's natural, he's really a nice guy but he's frustrated and a little bit lost--it's so realistic, that way. But you could give him just a little breathing room by having someone whom he could joke with at work.

Oh one other thing, is there any way to slip in just a hint of where we are going before the end of Ch. 7? It's like there's a huge amount of distance between the prologue and where I'm at right now.

So yes, I am really looking forward to reading more. This story got a really, really nice feel to it. All the best, Maria.

Craig, thanks for sharing your story. I've read the first three chapters and find all three characters unusual. I can't imagine being a bookkeeper for 60 years. Even starting at 16 that poor woman is old. I'd think the red cardigan would be molded to her hunched shoulders and that her glasses would be thicker than bottle bottoms. Poor thing. I'm assuming I'd eventually get the connection between she, Barry, and Martin, but that's down the road.
While I'm a vegetarian, I remember the days of eatting a meal of sometype or having chocolate, then reassuring myself it was 'ok' because I drank diet pop. Ouch!
Welcome to Authonomy! Best of wishes with your book.

Interesting theme, I look forward to reading it. It's on my watchlist for now.

Ha! I'm the first to comment :-)

And double Ha because *I* always order a big meal at McDonalds and then order a Diet Coke for "My conscience." So am I also the object of the burger flipper's irony I wonder?

This is whimsical stuff, liked a lot of the jokes - especially *instant bull* - I think you need to tighten up a good many of the sentences which seem to go on forever, but that's just a technical nit-pick. Overall I found the first three chapters charming and engaging.

Backed :-)