Well, I'm not remotely qualified to critique this as I'm not at all familiar with the genre. What I do know, is that the writing is very strong and I read a lot of it - more than I thought I would! So, you have my backing and I'm happy to give it. Good luck!

Very saucy and very exciting - but I liked it! Well written; felt as I could have been there. Almost wish I was! Backed.
Diane

The minute I read the Dorothy Parker quote in Chapter 1, I felt I would like this book...and sure enough, I could not stop reading...though I had to, being at work and all...
Exploring the effects of this kind of sudden open door to a different approach to sex on the lives and feelings of the protagonists is fascinating to me, and it is done with great art in this story. This is precise, real, it is NOT erotica but true exploration of life and the meaning behind the things we do, and their life changing consequences...wonderful book.! Backed of course, and can't wait to read the whole thing.

Among the best writing here. Dialogue, narrative, characterization, and pace are all spot-on. I will read on to feel the story's progression and character development. Cheers, MJ

I read three chapters (1,2 &8).
First impression – a glittering shiny surface made up of fabric, gesture, small talk and the brittle clinking of glass. There’s a fragility about this veneer. We sense this is a surface that will crack.
Then there’s a domestic world. Again we’re shown the surface detail. Again there’s an order which disguises depth. The stage has been well prepared for what lurks, for an uprising, for what dwells in our blood but is kept hidden from our social performances in the world.
In chapter two we discover the hidden volatile element is erotic intimacy. It’s this that changes the surface of things. The story has begun.
This is a very old school in its narrative style. Your writing wears a tie and walks in polished black leather shoes. It has neatly combed hair and shiny cufflinks. It’s constantly attentive to its dignity and demands respect. Not surprisingly it’s been masterfully edited. I tried my best but couldn’t take objection to a single comma or paragraph break.

Wow.

Backed and I'm reading some more tonight.
Kate

Hello JD, Saw your thread on Forum (replied to it). Sorry, this isn't for me, but there are a lot of people who like it, judging from the comments below. Despite the rather risque material, it is well written. Continuing good luck with this. You can't win 'em all.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm

Thank you for the warning about content in your pitch. With that in mind I went straight to chapter 3. ;)

“She had to have a firmer mattress…” was a real distraction is a steamy love scene. Perhaps you were trying to make us come up for air but, well… I didn’t want to.

Sometimes erotica takes for granted that you’re going to be caught up in the moment and forgive the writing peccadilloes. You didn’t. Lovely.

The insecurities of each man punctuating the sex scene don’t distract, they add to it. Very well done.
“He couldn’t lose another wife…” Wow.

Fabulous. Very well done. I have no nitpicks to offer and wonder if that’s because it’s not a chapter 1 or just because you’ve done so well with this.

Keep it up.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

Well, I'm not remotely qualified to critique this as I'm not at all familiar with the genre. What I do know, is that the writing is very strong and I read a lot of it - more than I thought I would! So, you have my backing and I'm happy to give it. Good luck!

It takes dedication and belief in your novel to complete such an overhaul.
This is erotica written at fast pace. There is structure, tension and credible dialogue driving the plot forward. James does explain his dilemma at the end of chapter one - a child abandoned by his father - left with a mother suffering from OCD.
The characters are well rounded but the reader may find empathy with James. A scintillating story, very sexy - electric - yet underneatjh it, there is a sub-text. I have backed it with pleasure. Best of luck for this Katy.-

It takes dedication, perserverance and a belief in your novel to do such a major overhaul. This is erotica well written at a fast pace. There is structure and tension, conflict and contrast between characters and their feelings within each chapter. The prose is clear and crisp without recourse to undue metaphor or simile.
James does explain his dilmemma at the end of chapter one - a child abandoned by his father - left with an OCD mother. Interesting and very sexy.
A scintillating stream of events - electric read. I wish you the best of luck with this. Katy.

A hot novel. The first sex scene is well written and takes a good focus from the male point of view. It covers a hot sex scene without the use or cude and graphic descriptions. You told it like it was clean and hard. I dont know if I felt cheated by the next young lad, perhaps it would have been good to have her take on screwing him.
Its a good book well written with little to dislike. You diferentiate between Erotica and just pure sex beautifully.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

This is well written stuff; not my normal genre, but it manages to be filthy without being crude, with an almost detahced view of teh menage a trois, detailing the psychological cost without dtriment to the erotic effect.

Well written, intelligent stuff and duly backed.

Cheers

Stanny.

I backed this months ago, I think. Now it is completed and given a thorough revision. The best bit of erotica (if that is what it is) on the site; it deserves to go to the top of the list...Backed again - I think I can since it is now redone so extansively DB ALL THESE ARE MEMORIES OF MY VOYAGE

In quoting the marvellous Dorothy Parker again 'Brevity is the soul of lingerie.' Your'e on my shelf

Dear JD,
What an elegant and sexy story of decent people looking for all the right things in all the wrong places. He so wants to please her; she wants to be a goddess one more time. I read chapters 1-4 then hopscotched about a little. What impressed me the most was how you told so much, for example--a crayon drawing falling off the fridge speaks volumes. Best of luck with Appetites, JD. I am going to back it.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Wow - this was an easy back. You have superbly captured the 'other' man fantasy with repercussions. Gripping.

Great pitch, love the opening and plot! Guess you never know who you meet at clubs. Love the concept of the story. Your a great writer. Keep up the great work!

Pavin

Hi JD,
This is not my usual cup of tea but I am here for a return read by JAWDDS, and I would be lying if I said I was not totally enthrawled by your writting. The story is good and the presentation of it is excellent. I am a little perplexed as to why after so many comments and backings that it hasn't made it to the editors desk or further. Placed upon my shelf with pleasure.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Powerful writing. It immediately captures and doesn't let off. Sex aside - same could be said, but I'm talking about the whole - you choose your mechanics carefully and wield them without hesitation. I particularly liked the dialogue. I flipped through (including the less explicit chapters) and this is a consistent strength. Backed.

This is very well written erotica, with an underlying sense of loss and sadness. James doing anything - literally -
anything for Sal. It's not my kind of book, but I can still appreciate the craftsmanship.

I hope you get to the Ed's desk this month and will give you a spin on my shelf to help you along.
Good luck.

Berni
Fledgling and Renegades

I think in terms of critique all that could be said has already been said, therefore the only point I;ll make is that I found your writing style to be easy to read and flowed well. I am not sure that I mind about too much sexual content as long as there is a definitive purpose for it and story actually leads somewhere. Ultimately you write well and the characters seem to be quite rounded. I hope my backing helps and that you get a good bit of attention from the most important pair of eyes. Best of luck,
Carla
The Last Gift

I am now commenting:
Fascinating style and appealing story line. You write very well and set the backgroubd right. I can see this going very far to bookshelves eveywhere. You take into a world I would otherwise not know. That's the voice which great books muct have.

Backed
Yasmin The God Equation.

Hi,
I like the plot and the narration is good.
All the best.
Backed with wishes.
S. vinay Kumar

Mmm, very interesting. This is definitely one screwed up couple (literally and figuratively). You are a skilled writer though and I appreciate what you're tackling here. You have my backing :)
- Ani

Chapter 3 Notes: I couldn't tell who said "You going to ask him back." I wouldn't mind a dialogue tag there.

I am still not relating to Sally. I've had three kids and I'm a SAHM. I need more of a reason for what she is doing. I don't care that she is doing it but I need a reason I can relate to. There may be one, but since you are holding it out I'm just hating Sally more and more and it may be too late by time I'm given the info that could help me relate to her. When her friend rushed off the phone I thought perhaps her friend just didn't want to hear about what she was doing. If she is bored, and this is about boredom, she could get a job. I realize that would be a different story though, and I like the story you have here so far, but I'd like more from Sally.

Chapter 2 Notes: The opening of this chapter really had my heart heavy for James. His wife isn't coming across as my favorite person right now though. Man I really feel bad for James. The short choppy sentences as the beginning jarred me a bit, but that might be a personal-preference thing. To me sexual-intimacy is more like poetry, so I don't see it as an "action" scene that needs to be like. However, most men I know would like the fast details of their interactions, so I'm not saying its wrong, just obviously written by a man :P

When you say "She wasn't his wife." Who wasn't whose wife? Be careful to say in POV. Is this whole story close-3rd to James? If so, message me. We have a lot to talk about regarding POV :P If you switch POVs that's okay too, jjust be sure you stick to one per chapter. EDIT: okay I see you have a scene in Sally's POV. I don't know if you are occasionally making POV slips in James or not though. (as you can see I'm commenting as I go--I think unfiltered feedback is best)

the phrase "she had to have a firmer mattress than he would prefer for her back" could be taken so many ways, it took me a while to figure out how you meant it (or at least how im determining you must have meant it)

For what it is worth, Sally does not come across as feminine to me at all. I'm not sure what you are going for with that. What she does I could accept if she was more complex, but so far there is little in the way of complexity for her. You talk about her need for attention, that helps, but the way she talks and thinks to me makes me kind of hope this is a horror novel and someone is gonna kill her :P

You also have a small punctuation error when Sally says "Lie down, you gorgeous man."

I see James has a secret. I'm definitely curious what it is. Does he never actually think about it, or are you withholding it from the reader? If he would think it, it should be told. It might also make the reader like Sally a bit more.

A few other notes. You say lightning "filtered" I don't think lightening would filter into a room. Maybe flash between the slates of the blinds or something, but not filter. Maybe find a more precise verb there? Also, you mention a waxing moon. I know what that is. It almost made it into the chapter 1 of my story because it had true relevance. I wouldn't use it without some kind of relevance though, as it seems many people don't understand what a waxing moon is.

So he had a wife before her, it seems?

I want to say this--this story is really good. It has so much potential. The prose I suppose might just not be my style, but even in keeping your style I think it could be improved. I've made some comments here. Even the best writers need feedback and have to make changes though. I'm very gripped by this tale. Prose can be improved...great storytelling I believe is a natural gift. One you have, most definitely. I hope my honest feedback here didn't overstep any lines. I think I'll read another chapter.

Chapter 1 impressions (Well, here it is Chapter 2, but it's Chapter 1 of your story, so I'm going based on that):
I really wish that first part wasn't in present tense. If it wasn't so interesting and otherwise well written, I wouldn't have read past that. The prose isn't really my style, but the story telling is fantastic! I'm definitely swept in by what I have read so far. The names are so blah though! Especially Sally/Sal! Just my opinion of course. I think you could really do better than that. My only other nit pick is this. I HATE the worse arse. I know its a British English thing, and no other British English things bother me, and you have to be consistent, but even knowing that I had to say something just because I hate the word that much--and I'm loud mouthed and opinionated. So there you have it. I think arse is the least attractive word in the human language. To me, it was the equivalent of calling her ass a dumper or something lol, but seriously, it's not the big deal I make it out to be. Having gotten that rant out of the way, I am going to read another chapter. I am really curious why James feel he owes Sally so much.

Okay, you write great sex. In fact, you write beautifully when you are NOT writing about sex, but I have read 4 (actual) chapters and I have yet to see anything redeeming about this work. It's well written, but you needn't be talented to write porn and, if this is all the book is about, why bother writing it so well since sex sells no matter how badly written? Unless, maybe, somewhere there's eventually some sort of redeeming message... How many misguided and ill advised trists must I endure before I read something worthwhile? I've read three (real) chapters of details I don't think are really necessary to convey said (hypothetical) message, unless there is no message and you're trying to make this a bedtime story. Three chapters is quite enough. If I were Jim I would have figured this out already. Are there any chapters that don't have graphic sex? How perverted will it get before there's something worth reading, even writing, here? It's like giving someone a booger all wrapped up in an ornate jeweled box. Without a redeeming message, it's still just a booger; a fact of life -- NOT the POINT of life. Jim doesn't love his wife. He's just afraid of failing at another marriage -- and he already HAS failed. His wife is a misguided, self absorbed tit and he's reinforcing her missing the ENTURE point of marriage. No growth lessons in this life for her... I fail to see anything here that I couldn't buy 1000 times over, and over, and over. Perhaps, if you'd entertained some OTHER appetites that ALSO cannot be slaked -- like coke or alcohol or meth addiction, I might see you coming to some sort of socially redeeming message without relying so heavily on using sex to sell said scant redeeming message. BTW, you could have named Sal "Pandora" and gotten a laugh AND a message WITHOUT subjecting us to a litany of stupid acts undertaken, equally stupidly, under the guise of love... But don't take that to mean we can't still be friends.

Well paced and interesting narrative. Your dialogue is well done and believable.

Shelved.

Ok tried this again working with a sober mind. I read 13 and loved the descriptions. will read more; in the meantime, backed it.

Whoa! Steamy! Thanks a lot JD -- I have to go take a cold shower now (ha ha)
Seriously though, it is well written. Very nice dialogue and narrative.
Good job!
Backed!
Voni
The Bell Ridge Cave

JD, I've read the first chapter. Your book is an aphrodisiac. I can't find anything to nitpick about. Backed!

Regards,

Joffrey

Your scene setting is cinematic. For example, I could see, hear and smell the strip bar. Fluid, assured dialogue, description and the right balance of narrative kept this colorful story moving forward. James is a likable character faced with a lurking dilema. A sexy, entertaining psychological drama. Backed.

Sexy and sultry. Some of the best writing I've seen here. Backed with pleasure. :)

There is good solid writing in here and I can easily see why you are so high up the charts. Well done.

One general comment. Even accepting the book is about sex and sexuality, I still found (for me) the absolute relentlessness of the sexual content made it just a little difficult to enjoy as fully as the writing deserved. To explain as one of your characters might, I didn't feel my read was giving me much in the way of foreplay - it felt more like "brace yourself !"

More seriously though and specifically I found myself (probably surprising given gender) understanding, believing in and almost sympathising with James as a real person. That must say a lot about how well written this character is. However, on the other hand I felt absolutely nothing at all for Sal. I didn't like her but I didn't dislike her either. I didn't understand or care about her. In fact her being there (even though central to the whole thing) irritated me. Maybe it is supposed to be like that but I felt like that lack of any emotional response to one of the two main characters somehow left a bit of a hole in my enjoyment. Even so, well done and very good luck. Alessia.

Seems like somewhere at some point in time you had to experience some of this or maybe very close to a person that did. The characters are very real and expressive, the novel colorful and well done. Very entertaining and some parts disturbing, as it should be.

sue sohn

26/01/10 I have today uploaded a fully revised version of Appetites.

There are some cosmetic changes: a couple of character names have changed--that always happen when I revise--Sam is now Sal and Caitlin has become Helen; and I have moved away from the device of using italics for Sal's viewpoint.

Structural changes are intended to provide more light and shade to Sal's character, make character motivations generally clearer, and focus the writing on the story. I have attempted to differentiate the two narrative voices and all characters dialogue voices. Finally I have endeavoured to hone description, particularly with regard to telling details.

Finally a line edit has allowed me to reduce the word count by some 10% particularly through deletion of exposition and dialogue that didn't progress the story.

Special thanks go to MM Bennetts whose comments set me off on this path and to Krista Darrach and Noelle Pierce who held my hand along the way.

Very saucy and very exciting - but I liked it! Well written; felt as I could have been there. Almost wish I was! Backed.
Diane

Meow! This is hot stuff! I love your pitch and the writing is perfect.

Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

I'll make notes as I go...

Chap one...

Nice descriptions...don't believe there's such a beast as a cameraless Japanese tourist...they've always got one somewhere...

The descritption of the empty glasses - it runs a little long maybe? Specifically, the 'not quite ordered' tag at the end...maybe sub that for a an adjective for the 'soldiers'?

Some of the body descriptions are a bit cliche...hair being tossed, and tumbling...and perfume assaulting him...i've seen these verbs used a lot here on autho, and there must be better ways to describe a person...especially as the wife is making other men turn away from the dancers to look at her....she has to stand out, and for me, with these descriptions she doesn't...

Not sure how to fix that...if you think it needs fixing...

maybe wheel out a metaphor or two...? Or really think....really, really think...what makes her so special? What is it about her hair? It bounces and tumbles, and why is that different from the dancers?

Yeah, i'm not sure what the answer is, but i think it needs something...maybe something more personal from him...or compare her to a celeb woman?

'The hair hung down, staying close to her face...as if it knew what it had and never wanted to let go.'

Howzathat? Not great, but you get the idea...

A lapdance for his wife? There's some weird shit you got going on here, man...i like it...

But that lapdance is over quickly...i'm not sure what he's getting out of it? You say his temp goes up, but what else? Maybe one more line? Or do you return to this kind of scene later?

'Lightning played over the harbour' - i like this line.

The crayon drawing of the family on the fridge is a good touch...you're setting things up quite well...i wonder how this would read if you didn't reveal she was his wife until the end of the chap?

This was their seventh year anniversary.' - the seven year itch, you subtle muthafucka...

The coffee procedure - would this play better without the end description of how he did things well, the old army habit...maybe some other way to write it, showing he's happy with how it's done...?

The food - sex appetites comparison is well-worked....you dwell on the food and the indulgence...you also delineate Jim quite well...his routine behaviour....

...which makes the first scene in the strip club a bit of a problem for me....now i know he's very stubborn and rigid, it hards to believe he would go up to the guy so quickly....he's drunk, so that gives you some justification, but he goes up first time...i'd stretch it out a bit longer...put some hesitations in maybe? Or aborted attempts to walk over to the guy?

Ok, I'm at the end of Chapter one....i would read on, as I like where the story seems to be heading...the sentences aren't overly elaborate, which i like, but i'm not so keen on some of the descriptions you use...i think they make this more mundane than it should be....

If you want me to crack on with chapter two, just message me a green light....

Oli

Very well written, very engrossing and graphic. Psychological too. Builds very well, taking its time, laying the seeds. Brilliant. Backed.

The tags on their own would have been enough for me to back this - the tags, and the Dorothy Parker epigraph... But this is bloody wonderful - vivid, compelling, almost physical prose, intelligently erotic, erotically intelligent. Do well with this please.

Ivan

Hey JD! Sorry it took so long to get back to ya! Not a big commenter because I never have anything clever to helpful to say. Mostly I read as a reader and not an auther. I find it more fun that way! This was so far beyond normal erotica that I have read in that you have a great story and some really strong characters. You are much better at writing those scenes that I was with my one! All in all you have done a fine job!

Backed awhile ago!
Missy

Dearie me, I feel quite out of my depth! Highly evocative, very well written involving provocative issues that for a smug married-type like myself are quite unnerving! Which, obviously, is the mark of a good book. Backed. Tania, This Last Summer

A scintillating tale that lives up to the pitch! Shelved.

JD, Good story, good writing. I like what I read...will return for more. Backed.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge…rises)

This is incredible. Sinfully erotic and beautifully well written. Fantastic!

Hello JD. This is great stuff, obviously erotic, but really well-written erotic. The characters of the...er...extended family are really well portrayed and how some of those relationships are fostered into friendships.
It all brings questions into the way we live and love. It questions our personal boundaries and our morals. how our ambitions and dreams are all too often put on hold and how modern life chews us up and spits us out..
I think it's also about regret and sadness when they look back at their lives...the missed opportunities and how to put that right in some way or learn from past mistakes.
At root, I think it's about love, sex and friendship and how they can be blurred at the edges. If it raises all these questions in me, it probably does the same for any other reader. It may help us to look at our lives.
In some ways, some people will find this a challenging if not dangerous book - yes, even in these enlightened times. It challenges the norms. It makes us look at things like jealousy, a hateful emotion but an emotion nonetheless. Any emotion is natural almost as long as it doesn't become the dominant emotion, I guess, and rules the roost.
The intellectual stuff aside - it's a terrific, horny read and the sex scenes are excellent and adult in the sense of the word ADULT. When it's published you should have a packet of Kleenex inside the sleeve in every copy because there's a lot of 'mileage' in there. BACKED from the front and behind! Please take a read of mine if you've got a spare moment Chris1

Very well written. I can feel Jim's frustrations as his wife continues along in her qwest for other men. I think you have found a perfect balance of plot and story telling. Best of luck to you!

~Andrea, MARIPOSA

A golden nugget of erotic among the fantasies and romances. Very refreshing--and very well written. Back with pleasure. Harvey Ardman

Hi JD. Today I'm reading books I've wanted to read for literally years, instead of returning reads I owe. Yours is definitely one of the former.

Aww, I like your dedication. Now I'm endeared to you.

Their seventh anniversary! (Can you hear my shock?)

I'm certain by chapter 4 that I won't find anything to advise, suggest, or criticize. Then I looked and saw you have over 600 comments. If you ever did have any problems, I'm sure they've been ironed out by now. I will say I am quite unhappy for Jim. He's kinda dumb, though.

I keep reading on, waiting for the concrete block to fall, thinking...diseases? Their children at home? The danger of these men knowing where they live? I guess I'm far too practical.

"She found the interest flattering, though she suspected any woman would get the same." Biting my lip here. Good line. My gosh, these are a couple of miserable people!

Why do people with good lives never appreciate it! It's annoying! lol. I read through chapter 13 and hope to finish what you have uploaded here. The best thing about this story is your compelling writing, JD. You go deeply into these characters' minds and pain, their loneliness and emptiness, and never a second of "author intrusion." Good luck, JD.

It's really nice and refreshing to read a story that evokes a rich and complicated erotic life. You do a particularly good job of describing the whirlwind of suspense/insecurities/repression/excitement of impulsively giving into sexual fantasies or encouraging those fantasies in others: "he shook his head. the games were harmless. same loved him. he sat in silence" What a great way to get across Jim's conflicted feelings. He's reassuring himself, which is a huge sign that he's having major misgivings. You also create a complete world, so that the erotic scenes are well-situated and infused with a sense of both realism and fantasy. Your writing is self-assured and professional, and I don't have any complaints on that front. Would have to read more of the story to determine if I sense any issues with the pacing, but so far the structure works well.

I hadn't realised this kind of book could be classified as literary fiction - but it deserves it. The dialogue feels sharp and tight, the descriptions say no more than they need (whilst saying enough) and the pace is freewheeling, natural. All good stuff. Simon

Very strong writing and a fascinating portrayal of the relationships and sexual goings on.

Raw and yet not at all brutal, you have managed to create something very compelling with this writing.

Backed with pleasure

Steve