Hello Kim,

Very interesting story you’ve got here. Apparently I've got competition in the psychic states- fortunately Invisible Justice is very different from the baseline science-fiction I stick to!

While Sam’s transformations were elegantly described, to begin with I feared that they’d soon feel repetitive and predictable; courtesy of your blurb the reader knows from the outset that your main character (wonderfully relatable and likable as he is, I might add) is destined to undergo changes, and it seems at first that they would be the absolute focus of the novel above and beyond all else…

Fortunately the characters themselves quickly come to the fore, banishing any concerns I might have otherwise had- I see now that your intention was merely to outline the mechanics of your universe, so to speak, so you can build upon them with some excellent plotting and dialogue. This alternation between happenings keeps things interesting; IJ is well-paced, and ultimately one of the few fantastical-premise novels I’ve read with the good sense to not bombard the reader with infodumps to the point of apathetic boredom, but to trickle them carefully so the plot can take the fore (without keeping the reader in the dark, of course).

I'm glad the sample size is manageable, because if it had been any longer I'd have been unable to stop reading it and it would've completely derailed my day! IJ’s premise might seem like familiar comic book fodder on paper, but as I’m so fond of saying, the trick is in the telling- and you definitely tell it very, very well.

Good luck with this, it’s wonderful to see genre work that challenges expectations.

-Ryan

Invisible Justice

Dear Kim,

As far as I'm concerned (myself, far removed from my YA fan years) this is a triumph. I read about 1/4, and then scanned through to the end. (Now I know how publishers feel!)

Invisible Justice has a superior graphic novel quality that impresses with the build up of characters through rich, spot-on dialects and dialogue that supports the uniqueness of each of them. No where is this more apparent than where it counts: in the beginning where you introduce Sam through a series of smart internal monologues.

There is an interesting theme that is foreshadowed in your book, and it is that of flight and travel. Blasting off. Sam continually takes inventory of his body as he undergoes his metamorphosis (quite Kafka-esque, actually). It gives the sensation that we are about to embark on an exciting adventure!

And we do!

I have no criticisms because anything that I would think to say really boils down to personal preference, and not right v. wrong. I'll leave that to your publisher (fingers crossed!). I feel that your plot, character development are just fine. I felt no obvious sags in the story.

Here's wishing you all the best this month with your book!

A New Fan,

~Phil
"Emerluvly."

Kim,
This is the latest I have been up in a long time on the internet - it is almost two in the morning and I have been reading Invisible Justice! Still a long way from finishing but I just had to let you know that I am totally captivated. Sam is a very likeable character, just the type my children will be able to identify with, but they will have to fight me for the book when in print as I will be reading it first! I like your style of writing - the flow of words, your descriptions, your ability to allow the reader to imagine and live every sentence. The plot is original and extremely engaging, full of life and energy and I am sure this will reach the editor's desk and become a huge success. I'll let you know more when I am able to read more.
Zan, The Somnambulist

Dear Kim, If any of your readers wished they had heightened senses, they’d certainly be glad they didn’t after reading your vivid, precisely detailed descriptions of Sam’s agonizing transformations. From the paragraph, you set a quick pace via strong verbs and wonderfully compact sentences, but despite the momentum at work here you leave nothing out—you both tell and show how each sense has been affected, making the reader experience each transformation and the accompanying pain for herself.

I’ve read five chapters of your very exciting story, and I’m eager to continue: not only because I know from your pitch that the excitement has barely begun, but because I want to see how Sam and Leesha will proceed. I like both characters and how quickly and smoothly you bring them together: a relationship both highly unusual and plainly inevitable. You’ve been conveying Sam’s pain with such intensity that I was relieved when Leesha assured him it would lessen.

I hope your highly imaginative, deftly written, and just plain irresistible story makes it to the Harper & Collins editor’s desk. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Kim
This puts me in mind of ‘Heroes’ one of the best tv series I’ve ever seen. I really enjoyed the first series but thought it started to trail off after that.

And why? because they didn't have you writing for it.

You take us deeper into the mind of an awakening ‘hero’ and that is exciting to read. What on earth would it be like to go through this kind of evolutionary jump?

You concentrate on character and rightly so, given the subject matter.
I think you have a knack for characterisation and I especially enjoyed Sam’s internal dialogue. If I may I’ll take a leaf from your book (pun intended) to enhance my own protagonist, Olwud.
Many, many others couldn’t write this sort of thing. Hats off to you!

One point I will pick up on is your descriptive prose. To me, this writing feels a little forced in some parts – but only a little and only in some parts. I don’t think there’s much to do to polish it. The odd word dropped here or there, for example. But I’m a sucker for quite a minimalist style common to YA etc. And so this could just be a matter of personal preference. By all means ignore the point.

I already backed this, but if it didn’t show up in your news feed please let me know and I’ll give it another spin on my shelf.

Best of luck and best wishes,
David
Green Ore

Hiii..
I like the plot of the story and I must appreciate you for the narration.
All the best.
Backed with wishes.
S. Vinay Kumar

No comment.
BK

After three chapters, it's easy to see why this made the desk. I'm only sorry I didn't read it sooner! I like the premise of the story. You do a great job of explaining the strange episodes so that we're right there in them, and you don't rush to explain them too quickly.

If I have to be critical, I'd say these two things:

1. The narrative voice could be a little more male, and just a tad more adult. Even though he's a good kid, not a hard-ass or anything like that, he's still a 16 year old guy. Sometimes he feels younger than that.

2. The dialogue when he first meets the girl seemed a little odd. It was okay when he was talking to Ty, but it was different with the girl. Maybe it's just part of her character to be kinda chatty and smart-sounding, but her explanation of what she noticed in Sam didn't quite ring true. It had the feel of her talking solely for the benefit of the reader, not necessarily in the context of the scene.

But I loved it anyway. Good luck, and can't wait to see the HC review! ~ jen

Kim, I've looked at your two chapters. This is good writing. Nothing to nitpick about. In fact, the first chapter reminds me of one of the chapters in my book. Heartily backed.

Looking forward for your review of "The Silver Spoon Effect."

Regards,

Joffrey

Hi Kim, some very interesting ideas you have here, sam engages the reader with what's happening to him, and the sense of mystery draws you in and keeps you wondering.

Excellent writing, very well done.

Backed.

Hi Kim,
I've read and backed you before, but it looks like you've deleted some of the chapters? I remember this being much longer...

I can see why this book made it to the top actually. I thuraly enjoyed the 18k words and actually wanted to read more :)

Congratulations! Ruth X

Hi Kim,

I have to say, I love all things superhero-related, and your pitch drew me in. To be honest, I would happily endure random flashes of pain if they meant I was receiving some kind of super power!! :)

I will happily back this book!

John Pearson
Learn Me Good

Hey Kim, I finally got around to reading some of Invisible Justice. Unfortunately for me, it reminds me strongly of something I once wrote. It's not exactly the same idea or anything, it's just a feeling and the way the characters have the things happening to them. Why it's unfortunate for me is because I feel that you've got a better angle on it all. The story kinda hits with that same feeling I had when I started watching "Heroes" on TV. Sadly, that show got pretty weak pretty quickly. Your book is very engaging and shows no sign of weakness at all. I almost feel unqualified to critique the book, especially now that you've gotten to the editor's desk and just want to say congratulations and I'm sure you can only go from strength to strength.

Hi Kim! Thanks big time for your advice on Stand... I'm going to do corrections tonight if I can get through the reads I'm returning.

So, on to Invisible Justice. As premises go, I like the concept. Sam reminds me of my younger brother too, and it looks like you've got a reasonable handle on the teenage world (like the World of Warcraft reference). His family does seem rather perfect, which might push it farther towards fantasy than you intended. Psychics I can do, but a 16 year old who appreciates his mother and gets along with the sister?

Here are some general thoughts I jotted down as I read.

You start with a bang with his pain, but I thought his thoughts were a little too coherent for extreme pain. I'd expected more half-sentences and complaints.

Tenses: "Ty was new to town, and had the good fortune..."
Had been new to town? It's past tense now. Or "Ty, new to town, had the goood fortune..."

"They were good kids- so their mothers always bragged- they watched out for one another..."
I use - for a clause outside of a full sentence, but this sentence is actually two sentences. They were good kids and they watched out for one another.
Chapter 2
Bottled water, to me, tastes like plastic. I've had true distilled water, which humans actually lack taste buds to and litterally tastes like nothing (it's creepy!). Bottled water tastes like the plastic it's bottled in.

chapter 3

Tense? "Which is pretty typical of a teenager" Besides this sentence, most of the story feels more like Sam's point of view, including his thoughts. This line is from the invisible author, and just seemed out of place to me.

Hope it helps! It's been a fun read! Backed for a spell!

Shakat
Stand

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Like the pitch, although it could have teased me a bit more. The first chapter was good, drew me in with the mystery of his change and it was good to see he didn’t know what was happening either, leaving plenty to be explored. Nor sure about starting chap 2 with (to paraphrase) ‘Nothing really happened’ would probably rewrite that intro. Rest of chap builds on mystery well. I liked ho he became obsessed waiting for the pain to hit. The introduction of the girl adds to the plot and suspense well. Overall, this kept me reading so backed.
Hope that’s helpful
All the best GP Morgan.

Best of luck with Harper Collins!! Hope this is your chance to get published!!

When the kids are grown and you're buried under two feet of snow on New Year's Eve, what better way is there to welcome 2010 than to sip a glass of champagne while you read a tremendously engaging novel like Invisible Justice. I was captivated from Sam's first headache and experience with his extrasensory abilities. The first chapter drew me in and each following chapter had a hook that kept me turning the electrons to the next page.

Your teenagers Sam and Leesha are so very typical and believable, in spite of their unusual "powers." Your prose and dialogue sounds very age appropriate and Sam's thoughts mimic exactly the kind of angst I think someone his age would feel as he goes through the unusual changes. I've finished the first seven chapters and will continue until I run out of material tonite. Great writing. Gotta get back to finishing it before I run out of champagne. Backed enthusiastically

Mike

When the kids are grown and you're buried under two feet of snow on New Year's Eve, what better way is there to welcome 2010 than to sip a glass of champagne while you read a tremendously engaging novel like Invisible Justice. I was captivated from Sam's first headache and experience with his extrasensory abilities. The first chapter drew me in and each following chapter had a hook that kept me turning the electrons to the next page.

Your teenagers Sam and Leesha are so very typical and believable, in spite of their unusual "powers." Your prose and dialogue sounds very age appropriate and Sam's thoughts mimic exactly the kind of angst I think someone his age would feel as he goes through the unusual changes. I've finished the first seven chapters and will continue until I run out of material tonite. Great writing. Gotta get back to finishing it before I run out of champagne. Backed enthusiastically

Mike

When the kids are grown and you're buried under two feet of snow on New Year's Eve, what better way is there to welcome 2010 than to sip a glass of champagne while you read a tremendously engaging novel like Invisible Justice. I was captivated from Sam's first headache and experience with his extrasensory abilities. The first chapter drew me in and each following chapter had a hook that kept me turning the electrons to the next page.

Your teenagers Sam and Leesha are so very typical and believable, in spite of their unusual "powers." Your prose and dialogue sounds very age appropriate and Sam's thoughts mimic exactly the kind of angst I think someone his age would feel as he goes through the unusual changes. I've finished the first seven chapters and will continue until I run out of material tonite. Great writing. Gotta get back to finishing it before I run out of champagne.

Mike

It's lovely to see Kim doing so well, as she's a great person who just happens to be a great writer too! :D
Congratulations, Kim. :)

Kim,
I was drawn in by your synopsis, as I would be in a store. Although, in a store I always read the first page or so, which I did with Invisible Justice.
Not a book I would read through, though I do see promise and, for that reason I'm backing you. What we writers lack are those red markings on our manuscripts which would go far to enhance what we do, but most agents lack the time, the foresight or the interest. I say that because I also read many of the your previous comments which are, in fact, red markings intended to make your writing better. And many of them are well thought out.
My humble suggestions would be to lose some of the "moms" from Sam. And I particularly dislike, not only in Invisble Justice, the inner voice, probably because I never listened to mine.
Happy New Year
James Barrett

Hi Kim,

Just finished the first chapter and I'm not going to comment on the technical aspect of your writing because it looks pretty water tight to me. I would however like to critique the story itself.

The way I see it you have two challenges in writing this story: Age and gender. Correct me if I am wrong but from your profile you appear to be an adult woman. So, considering that you are writing about a teenage boy I think I can make some suggestions on your character to make him more natural.

But before I do, I want to be clear that this is just my opinion. Take it for what it is worth. Also, I don't mean to come across as harsh, if that is how I sound. What I do want is to give you something you can use... if you want to.

Sometimes I feel like you try too hard to make him a teenager. For example: "He was a whiz on the computer." What teenager these days isn't? Furthermore the word "whiz" sounds antiquated. No teenager would use that word. Even if they did, what you described him doing on the computer was just a google search, anybody can do that, even non-whizes.

"Over the years, they shared everything - forts, secrets, homework, sports activities, and stories about girls... ick... growing older their bond only grew stronger, there really wasn't anything one couldn't and didn't tell the other." This is a very feminine voice your talking in. It almost sounds like you are describing girls rather than boys. If the narrator in your story is female that is fine. But I don't get the feeling that it is.

This could be made more teenage-boyesque by saying something like: As they grew older Ty and Sam began to share everything: forts, food, each others homework, they'd probably even share girls if they could. First they needed to figure out how to get to (past?) first base and even that they were working on together.

Like I said before, this is just my opinion. If you haven't already read Stephanie Meyer, she does a really good job at writing the male voice from a female perspective... most of the time.

I'll try and read another chapter tomorrow.

You've combined a nice premise with clean prose. I love the internal dialogue and I am backing this because it has a wealth of potential. I wish you and invisible Justice the best of luck!

j

Kim-

Absolutely deserves to be up top and I'm glad HC is going to review it. It'll be fun to see it at the store and know that I read it before it was published...

My favorite things about it:
1. There's an innocence to the story. Sam's a good kid. Loves his intact family. Cares about others. Goes to church. Much YA is full of sensationalism and ugliness in the name of being edgy. Not all teenagers are cutting and snorting and I think normal kids will appreciate a story that doesn't make them feel weird for not being rebellious.
2. The descriptions of his heightened senses are sublime. Love them. Can easily see how they would translate to film.

Nitpicks (and I'm being beyond picky because your book is great)
1. When he meets Leesha, I wanted something... more. It's a boy meeting a girl. A 16-year-old boy. Now, I'm a highschool teacher so I spend all day dodging the raging hormones that are swirling through my classroom and I've seen boys asess girls, not always in a gross or obvious way, but they don't not notice what a girl looks like. And I think it's a great opportunity to give us the full heightened sense version of Leesha. I liked his noticing how she smelled and the sound of her flip flops, but I would've like to know about the color of her hair and maybe even her physique and with his supervision it would be easy: "She sat there next to me, vibrating with excitement. I tried to focus and found I was staring at her thick (or tiny or strong or whatever) knee. When I could raise my throbbing eyes, I saw her anxious face framed in a curtain of black hair. I noticed the detail of each swishing strand." I think he should notice her the way a teenage boy notices a girl. Also what is she doing in Home Depot? She lives in a tiny house, so there's probably not a big garden. I didn't get a real sense of Leesha in that instance and I wanted to. She's a kid with a hard life who has clear ideas and dreams. Of the two of them, she's the more driven, so it seems like she would be less mystical in this first encounter.
2. In chapter 7 Sam thinks the word "gaggle". I have some brilliantly verbose 16-year-old boys that I teach and not one of them would be caught dead using that word. Also in chapter 7, I thought Lexi would've been talking through that whole car ride. Anyone would've been really freaked out, so she should've been driving him nuts with a barrage of questions. Seemed weird she would start and then just drive him home in silence.
3. Chapter 8... Sam thinks it's good that Leesha did go "astray." That's not really a kid word, even a Christian kid. It's an older person word, I think. So is "moxy". I adore that word, and maybe a hipster would say it, but Sam's not a hipster. I thought it would've been good to see a transcript of the computer chat with Leesha rather than just telling us what they chatted about. Your audience communicates electronically like nobody's business so they would respond to seeing it typed out. Also dialogue would break up the narrative.
3. In chapter 9, I didn't really need a paragraph to tell me nothing happened on Wed. and then another to tell me nothing happened on Thursday. One line would do. Readers never worry about time gaps anyway. Also that paragraph down at the end where he's considering telling Ty sounded feminine to me. We tell each other EVERYTHING is something a girl would say. Boys don't do that. Or at least most don't. And the ones that do would be much more irritated about being ditched by their best friend.
4. Except for the doctor chapter, I think this would all be better in first person. it practically is anyways. I know that's major and probably impossible, but that's what I kept thinking as I read.

Wow, that is way to much information! Especially when I really loved your story. Good luck in the review!
~Becky

Kim, all though I didn’t want to sound like the rest with flattering good words, I am left without any option after reading just the opening two chapters of Invisible Justice. I must say Sam has a character like a teenage boy I wrote about in my first Novel called Kasimo. I believe that as many are called, few are chosen! You are born to write and I can spot it from far away. Your style is both ordinary and extraordinary and extremely intelligent but not too clever. You chemistry with the reader is very strong and engaging. I am not an expert in words, punctuations and spell checks but I am a good story teller and you are great example to follow and learn from. You must be buzzing with energy when you sit to write magical pieces like the invisible justice.
You are simply a big star ready to shout anytime soon and I hope the New Year soon brings to you the necessary big hit you clearly deserve for your artistically gifted talent. Stay well and good luck with the editor’s desk.
Love and respect from Chief Chebe

Kim, all though I didn’t want to sound like the rest with flattering good words, I am left without any option after reading just the opening two chapters of Invisible Justice. I must say Sam has a character like a teenage boy I wrote about in my first Novel called Kasimo. I believe that as many are called, few are chosen! You are born to write and I can spot it from far away. Your style is both ordinary and extraordinary and extremely intelligent but not too clever. You chemistry with the reader is very strong and engaging. I am not an expert in words, punctuations and spell checks but I am a good story teller and you are great example to follow and learn from. You must be buzzing with energy when you sit to write magical pieces like the invisible justice.
You are simply a big star ready to shout anytime soon and I hope the New Year soon brings to you the necessary big hit you clearly deserve for your artistically gifted talent. Stay well and good luck with the editor’s desk. Back your book with the greatest delight!
Love and respect from Chief Chebe

Invisible Justice is that rare treasure that grabs from the opening page and keeps a grip on you until the end. Well written, fast paced and by turns amusing and thrilling. I would buy this from Waterstones and would treasure a signed copy. i think this could be really BIG!

Great book that keeps the reader on edge!

Hi Kim.

I'm not the best of critics to be honest but I will back stories if they resonate with me, as I did with 'Invisible Justice' just before Xmas. It's just as well I'm not a good critic because I can't see anything here to criticise whatsoever. It's basically a great story that's been expertly penned. I'm not at all surprised that the story is sitting at number one. I really wish you the best of luck for a couple of days time and I sincerely hope the book gets the response it deserves (we all know how negative the editors are.)

Take care, Kim.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Hi Kim, sci fi is not what I normally read and to be honest, I can't really connect with such a story. But as the writing is superb, I will back it on merit alone.

Hiya Kim,

Well I've read so far up to chapter 3 and I'm defintly liking your book, though for me things really start to come alive only when Sam meets Leesha. I can really see his personality coming though the dialogue. I love the way he's talking to her but then straight away you hear his thoughts on what she's saying. It adds nice touches of humour to your work.
Uh I of all people can't comment on anything like your spelling and grammer he he, except that even I can tell it's good. You write well, your work has the feel of a real book. Which as good as some peoples work is, i can't say the same for everything i've read on this site.
I did notice though that although you describe characters really well, it surprised me that you actually don't tend to describe what they look like. e.g blue hair? I'm talking visuals not just personality. As i think you can tell a lot about someone by how they wear their hair and how they choose their clothes.
Aside from that I can't see any other comments I could say that would benefit you that aren't about my personal preferences in scifi fantasy novels. This is very well written. I can see why your high up on the charts.

Hi Kim,

I haven't read much so far, but what I have read I like. It's very visual, well described, and your voice and language are down to earth.

I don't particularly like leaving feedback on what I don't like when I can't think of a suitable way to change it, I don't find it constructive and it would annoy me to receive it, but for some reason I can't quite pick up on there are bits in chapter one that I don't quite feel flow properly and thus don't quite keep me engaged. It might just be me however as I am feeling a little tired and flat (it's gone 11:30 pm and I'm not always so great with late nights) so I'm going to try and give it another read tomorrow when I feel fresh.

I do like your material and your ideas though, there's definitely a great style here and I find your writing very colourful! I like your particular use of italics for inner monologue. It's something a lot of people do but one that few seem to do well enough. You do this beautifully and as a reader I really feel the omniscience and a potential reader-character relationship developing.

Bobby

I have read this before and I know I felt it good. The amount of description is right as is the story . You should do well with this when they read it, don't worry, take it easy and it will sale through. Did you look at my story, Three Stayed Home, if you didn't could you find time to read it and perhaps back it as I am starting to get near myself. JohnJ

Apart from the fact that it is very well written - the language is vivid, lucid, at times explosive, but always controlled - what strikes me most about 'Invisible Justice' is its exploration of something epic through the ultimate intimacy of physical self-awareness. This is a big story but told with an almost delicate concern for the interface between self and the world. Glad to see it in the top 5 - best of luck!

Ivan

PS I think you might have very kindly backed 'Johnny Face-Ache' before, but I'm not sure...

I hit chapter 11 and groaned out loud! Am very interested in how it goes on from here! You jump right into the story. I am attracted to stories that are different and this one fit the bill! I am already invested in these characters. Nothing bad to report at all, I can see why you are on the Desk!

Love it and backed!
Missy

Invisible Justice
Kim Jewell
We are plunged straight into the story with Sam’s predicament. You write well and young readers will identify with Sam.
I’m not sure that a teenager would equate pain with a stroke or heart attack (unless a close family member had recently suffered one). A burst appendix is more usual for a teenager.
Happy to back this.
Regards
Juat4kix

i'm not a big fan of YA narrative books, especially those with lots of internal dialogue but this one is done rather well. the non internal conversations were a bit linear. if this is geared towards YA they need to be youthened up (if that is even a word). something more witty and less dry. the few bits attitude Sam verbally displays makes him more enjoyable as a character but there is still something that screams i'm not a 16 yr old boy.
Overall it is a good quick read. backed

Kim,
Wow. I'm only a few chapters in and already I can't stop reading. I love the idea of this so far and Sam is a great character. I like that hes trying to stay calm through the beginning of it. You really have set this up well and I look forward to reading the rest. Backed!

Katie Johnstone
(Falling Up)

Kim,

This is very engaging. I suspect that you'll be targeting it for the YA crowd and in my opinion you'll do well with it. The only thing that I took notice of was when Sam met Leesha for the first time, during his attack, the time immediately after the attack was devoted to the interaction between the two of them and there was no mention of whatever powers he would have been experiencing then. I would have thought he would want to discuss what he was going through, instead they focused on her moving things with her mind. It just seemed that discovering someone like him overshadowed his powers at that moment. It just rang off to me.

Other than that, it was a very enjoyable read. Good luck with it!

DL

Kim,

This is very engaging. I suspect that you'll be targeting it for the YA crowd and in my opinion you'll do well with it. The only thing that I took notice of was when Sam met Leesha for the first time, during his attack, the time immediately after the attack was devoted to the interaction between the two of them and there was no mention of whatever powers he would have been experiencing then. I would have thought he would want to discuss what he was going through, instead they focused on her moving things with her mind. It just seemed that discovering someone like him overshadowed his powers at that moment. It just rang off to me.

Other than that, it was a very enjoyable read. Good luck with it!

DL

Hi Kim. My Invisible Justice review, although you hardly need it at this point in your Authonomy career.
Chapter 1 – Great intro chapter, it’s all about Sam, but I have to say that the sensory experiences are akin to Spiderman powers. A tutor once said to me – titillate the senses and all disbelief will be suspended. You’ve certainly pushed the envelope on that. The level of explanation suggests a YA audience, so best to clarify who your target readership is. If it’s YA then I’m outta here, as it’s not my genre (just kidding). Dialogue runs smoothly and naturally.
Chapter 2 – establishing Sam and Ty’s relationship. This chapter suggests that Sam thinks he may have a psychological illness. Good that Sam comes to terms with these new abilities and ‘decides to explore a little’. Chapter 2 ends the same as Chapter 1.
Chapter 3 – If this is an adult novel then in Chapter 3 I want to experience this extra-sensory experience from a sexual / below the belt perspective (probably something that HC won’t request). Twin sister is a bit of a red herring spin. One area, concerning mother’s behaviour, where the tense goes awry. Then he meets the girl and a gnomic first touch of humour.
Chapter 4 – Great stuff but, hey, are garden centres where the touched ones meet? Maybe there should be some kind of magnet or trigger that is common between the two? Perhaps an abnormal aspidistra? I need a small description of Leesha at this point and how Sam feels about her as a teenager full of hormones.
Chapter 5 – their dialogue is a little too analytical and frank for newly-met teenagers, might mix up with some insecurities and pretensions. I just love moving fat Nate onto the poolside telekinetically. Perfect use of special powers to combat drowning obesity! At this point the book is definitely young adult material.
Chapter 6 – a couple of problems with tense. Brief suggestions of a third party who has meddled and caused the special powers to be evoked at newborn. This chapter is very peculiar in its brevity at this stage (more like a prologue) and challenges the credulity of the story for me as reader. I need more than this one page to justify the introduction of a third party.
I would like to read on but my brief is limited to 10,000 words.
It’s not for me to say that this is a compelling read, as the number one Ed’s desk rating speaks for itself. Looking forward to HC review and all the best.
Cheers,
Turnip
The Rise and Fall of Ger Mayes by Ruby Barnes

Hi Kim, I love your story. It is so unique and interesting I am enjoying it very much so far. It is a really good read. I have no critisicms, I love your dialogue and I look forward to reading more. Best wishes and good luck Stephanie

Hi Kim, I love your story. It is so unique and interesting I am enjoying it very much so far. It is a really good read. I have no critisicms, I love your dialogue and I look forward to reading more. Best wishes and good luck Stephanie/

Hi Kim

This a great story and brilliantly written. I liked the pace and characterisation, and the sense of place is superb, especially your descriptions of Sam's developing ESPs. I would like to see a little more tension earlier on, but that's just my preference as the story is easily good enough to keep the reader turning the pages - when I got to the end of chapter 11 I definitely wanted more. Backed with pleasure.

Thanks for a great read and good luck

Johnny D
Collision

Growing up, I had a closet stacked full of comics (both Marvel and DC). Consequently, I've been all over the bandwagon of movies along the same line. It's good know that there are also people out there who can write along the same lines (not necessarily super-hero and all, but just people with..."a little something extra). On top of that (and I'm not finished yet) I've found it easy to read and it flowed consistently. A good read.

Hi Kim,

I just finished Chp 11. I am totally hooked and don't know how I'll be able to wait to see what happens next.

I did notice one small typo in Chp 7 para 29 near the end. "...so it gave them and extra chance..." Should that be "...an extra chance..."

Hopefully IJ will appear in print soon. I'll be among the first in line to buy it and I know my sons will enjoy it, too.

Thanks for a great read.

DW

Kim,

I'm loving this story. As a kid I was really into stories about psychic powers and such. I even wrote a short story, long since lost, about a boy being hunted because of his. I think my teenage sons will enjoy this book as much as I am.

I did come across on edit that you are probably already aware of, an extra "the" in the line "I could see everything clearly without "the" any of the lights on" about 2/3 of the way down Chapter 5.

I will enthusiastically back "Invisible Justice."

DW (River Dream)

This is a super tight, tremendous opening. You’ve clearly put a lot of time into crafting and working this to such a high standard. I’ve only a few notes that I hope will be of some use to you.

To add some dramatic effect, as well as to avoid overstating, when you say “[the pain] left as quickly as it came” it may work better to just say “It left.” A short sentence give the sense of something happening immediately. The punch of it can be more effective than words like ‘suddenly’ ‘quickly’ and so on. You’ve already given us an indication of how quick it came on, as well.
The same goes for ‘the flash of torture disappeared’. It’s a neat phrase, but it overstates. For a dramatic opening you want it to be as punchy and hard hitting as possible. Don’t repeat yourself, but entice the reader in.

The usual ‘cut a few adjectives’ advice can be applied to some of the paragraphs. It’s a bummer, I know. I’ve so far cut about four million of them out of mine so far. The blighters get everywhere. They’re like rats. Only with better hygiene.

“The burning, still fresh in his memory […] someone was around.”
You use ‘home’ later on in that paragraph, so maybe change one of them. Actually, it may be better to change the second; “His mother would be back soon…”

“[…] he realised there was something new going on inside his brain. Not pain, but a sense of something extra.”
I like this, but I think you could add a little more. Let us seem more into how he gets this sense. What tips him off? What kind of feeling is it?

The details you give about the house life are amusing. The TV that’s always on, especially. What a waste of electricity.

Instead of saying “there was more” simply describe more. It’ll surprise you how this often cleans some parts up.

Would it be more effective to have Sam ask the questions and not the narrator? It’s up to you, but it seems a bit crowded if they are both asking rhetorical questions of the reader.

The paragraph about the dog is especially good. Maybe it’s because I’ve find canines annoying that I’d like it to be more haunting. For example;
“He knew that bark. He heard it every morning on the way to school. It always lunged at him. Sam never minded; he was too busy checking out Jeannie, the owner, in her spandex.”
Again, maybe I’m just bias against dogs.

Here’s something I discovered recently. The words ‘up’ and ‘down’ can often be removed with no ill effects. Not always, but often. It’s bizarre, but try it.
“He ran upstairs, threw his backpack in the corner of his bedroom, made an attempt to straighten his bed and then threw his dirty clothes in the closet. He glanced in the bathroom mirror; there were no marks from whatever happened. Big sigh of relief.”

When you say ‘Sam’s mother walked in the door’ you might want to specify which door. Seeing as Sam is in a room that, one would assume, has a door. I think you mean the front door, but I’m not sure. That paragraph is a little confusing. Maybe I’m just tired, though.

Start the next paragraph with “She was just as fresh as when she had left that morning.” As you’ve already told us about her having walked in.

You say he ‘sounded strange’. How so? Strange can mean anything. For all we know he could have taken on the voice of some creature from the darkest reaches of space and time. But probably not.

I am curious why he’s so convinced he doesn’t want his parents help with what just happened. It’s an interesting character trait I hope plays out.

There are only so many times you can tell us that something is ‘different’. Maybe the shower scene could focus on his reactions and so show us that it is unusual for him? Perhaps? I might just be being nit-picky here.

He clearly didn’t look very hard on the internet. There are a few medical journals on the subject of sensory hyper excitation to be found on line. Though it’s never to the extent your character experiences and probably won’t serve your plot. But I am being a bit pedantic. So… Moving on!

As I said before, a sudden occurrence sometimes benefits from a sharp sentence. “It stopped.” The suddenness of the sentence tells us what we need to know.

I’m no car expert and beyond looking a bit shiny have little idea of what constitutes a car that is ‘well used’ and ‘looked nice’. One or two details here would be neat for none-car people like me. It may also please those who like the cars as well. There you go, appeal to two niches in one swoop.

I like the way this section ends. But I’d like to feel more of what Sam’s going through. When you say he’s keenly aware of something it may be good to make the reader aware of it too. Give a few extra and unusual details about the knots in his shoulder, muscles throbbing etcetera. Something along those lines?

If I get chance, I can read a little more and give you some thoughts if you think it might be useful. You did read mine, so I feel inclined to try and be helpful in whatever way I can.

Thanks,

-Joel Cornah

The Dinosaur Prince

I like your book Kim and appreciate your very thorough comment on mine. Unfortunately, with Christmas and all going on I did not have the time to give yours a thorough read. It is obvious however that you are an excellent writer and the story line you have picked for your book is excellent. I am going to keep it on my watch list and take a better look at it at a later time. I enjoyed what I did read though!

Okay, so far I have only read chapter 1. Its really interesting and I enjoyed it very much! I do have a few suggestions. There is quite a bit of telling and I think some of it is fine, but the whole basis of this chapter is the super powers that Sam has recently gained and his senses are working in over-drive. This is so much more powerful when it is shown instead of told. It makes me think of Spiderman 1 when he first waked up after being bit by the spider. Walk the reader through those steps one at a time.
Here's an example
"His nose could sense that just-before-the-rain . . ." I love the reference to the smell of rain, most readers will get that right away but the sentence starts with "His nose could sense" this is telling. Maybe say "The scent of rain filled his nostrils, but not a drop had fallen."

Overall the concept is excellent and you start in the perfect place to hook your readers. Nice work!

Not much I can add to what has already been said--bet o0f luck with this!

i can see why this is in the top 5 - dives in quickly, instantly grabs your attention, the writing's smooth, the dialogue realistic, Sam is a believable teenager, the pitch is intriguing - backing this one.

- Vrinda, 'The Ladder' -