Blood Ties

What a delight !
Blood Ties is fantasy as it should be, beautifully written, believable and tightly plotted.
Exquisite word building, you had me transported instantly to an intriguing new world. One where I wanted to stay, enthralled as the story unfolded. You are a consummate storyteller, Debbie, triggering my imagination and wanting more, especially of the Cala !
Backed with great pleasure.

Your story is engaging, I love the traditional fantasy and the writing instantly takes me into the book; I can see the characters clearly, understand them, and almost feel the world around them. I like it :)

Sadly, that's the best I can put together for a passable comment on a good story

Confident, assured writing and - after the prologue and chapter 1 - I did feel like I wanted to read more - but the small font on the screen just isn't making very good friends with my eyes. Very much in the traditional fantasy vein, but I wonder if proclaiming that in the pitch is a good advert. If I were you, I'd leave that to the genre heading and use the proclaim this book's specific qualities.

Good writing - as always. Been a while since I have read any 'sword and sorcery' fantasy' but this is great. I love the first line. Its a cracker. Read up to chapter 5 - which is about all I can manage at one time online

Will get back to more soon...

You advertised it as traditional fantasy and that's what this is; good, solid, traditional fantasy. The characters are interesting and the plot engaging.

Your writing is almost flawless and very polished. I enjoyed reading it very much.

Debbie, great opening line. and great storyline. fine pace, intrigue, strong characters.
on my shelf.
well, when i like something, i try to send a "real" critique - some picky crap. ;)
pls ignore if my thoughts make no sense for your style.

2nd sentence:
"... and the crowd that was even now beginning to gather ..." - maybe shorten- "and the crowd beginning to gather ..." ?

"words would have to be enough" - "words would have to do"

"complete lack" - "lack"

ok, nuff picky crap.
very best wishes, andy

Interesting...I like it. will try to read more soon..
Good Luck !
I Backed!
Thanks Again,
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Another excellent book. Backed, Marj. (But you should make new book-covers. Most of them are just crook!)

I have read the first chapter and know that is enough for me to want to read more.

You build intrigue wonderfully and feed us the story slowly and with wonderful clarity.

I immediately felt drawn to Alesha and all the while wondered where you were taking us. You brought me easily to a new place a new world with polished writing.

I could find nothing I could help with here.

I chose this one because the pitch gave me the impression it would be an adventure. i think that was a fair assumption.

Your powers of description stood out as particularly good. The start with the hanging was a good tense opener. I did get a little lost as to who was speaking in his interchange with Jareth.

Alesha and her dad were nicely portrayed. Good chemistry between them. Also between her and her friends. She holds the foreground well.

Bringing Jareth back in was good, showed a strong sene of plotting and structure.

Overall very polished. Good characterisation, felt like I got handle on them in very few words. Also a strong sense that things are afoot. Happy to back.

Hi Debbie,
I picked this book because the pitch appealed most to me. The chapters do not disappoint. You've really captured the whole father-daughter relationship so effectively - he thinking her too young, her thinking she's far older than she really is. I can only imagine she's going to go find the mysterious man who entered her dream - and that their adventures outside the boundaries of the palace are going to end in tears.
Thanks for a good read.

Dear Debbie Bennett,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You start on a good foot, meaning the death of Andry. At this point I believe he has some sort of telepathic powers, suppressed by drugs, and I’ll be looking for those powers in his daughter. I’m also curious as to what he did to merit a death sentence. Alesha is already using her powers, though she doesn’t understand them fully, and she hasn’t developed a firm command of them. You quickly begin building sympathy by making your protagonist plain looking (at least by her own assessment) and closeted by her overbearing father. She wakes to a disturbing dream, which turns out to have a prophetic nature. She engages in some energetic dialog with her father, who still thinks of her as a child (more sympathy points). Since he won’t tell her about the man who almost died, of course I want to know about him. You deepen the sympathy by giving her little control of her life and few favorable prospects. This makes me root for her, hoping Falconer will notice her. I see she’s picked up on the drug name, birythial using her powers. I like how you subtly introduce her abilities, and I’m eager to see how it influences her efforts on Falconer, or if she’ll even change that goal.

In my fallible opinion, the hook of “He was one of the Cala” is a bit too much of a leap, since I don’t know what that word means yet.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Clearly written by someone who knows fantasy and what will appeal to the reading public. Characters are well-rounded and dialogue is believable. If I have a crit it is that too much of the action takes place in people's thoughts, perhaps they need to expound it aloud a little more. Tolkein never once says what is going on in a character's head, their actions tell you. Just a thought. Jim D Serpent's Blood

Blood Ties
Debbie Bennett
Hi Debbie, you are certainly a prolific writer. I decided on Blood Ties because fantasy is my genre, and I was not disappointed. This is a good start to an interesting story, I hope you post more chapters. Your characters are well-defined, and carry the story and plotline along with verve and humour. No nits except the odd long sentence, which I am sure you will cover on the final edit.
Shelved, with the hope of reading more.
Troodo,
The Rose of Gildvadane.
now beginning to gather. – I don’t think you need, around it.

I'm impressed by the way you create a world which is so believable, and characters so real, in only a few sentences. The text is simply bursting with ideas and feelings. You're clearly a very prolific writer, and an intelligent one too, with an amazing imagination. This is very easy-reading, and very scary. Love it. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Chilling prologue, Debbie ... hanging is the same, whatever world and time. 'he'd looked inside her, and then he'd died' ... hints at some form of telepathy, and of different origins. "Who told you?" "He didn't die" ... now I want to know who, and what, and why. 'Waiting for a life that was going nowhere' ... her impatience makes her take risks. One of the Cala ... mm. 'but prudence didn't suggest' ... that's quite a tangled sentence. 'three steps ahead of his brain' LOL. 'like a breath of cool night air' ... nice. 'praying it was all a nightmare' ... too confident by half ... it's her age. 'I dare not be seen in this place' ... what's with Falky? 'there was a connection. She was sure of that' ... me too. 'If he wanted to find the girl' ... another mm. 'Falconer leaned against the wall' ... I did wonder. Poor Alesha, imagining Falky is fancying her ... 'she wondered if he was going to kiss her' ... as if. BTW I thought Jereth had decided to take Falconer with them, earlier, but later he seems not to want to.

Are you still writing this, Debbie? I hope so (either that or it's complete). It's brilliant ... oozes tension and excitement, the intrigue, the electric attractions, the fear and deceit ... it would be a great read for adults and young adults alike. Definitely shaping up into one of the best fantasies I've read.

Hi Debbie,

This is a very confident opening to a fantasy novel. You open with the intrigue of who and what Andry is, and then go on to introduce a whole range of characters within a single chapter without any of them ever feeling forced or crowded. It's a great skill to be able to bring in these elements with such a deft touch.

I liked the relationship between Alesha and her father, and the repeated theme of dreaming/dreams. It all sets up your story well and encourages the reader in. There are obviously some complex themes that will come to the fore in terms of the world-building and history, and I'm looking forward to seeing them unfold.

The opening pitch is intriguing, but I would have liked a wee bit more to encourage me to dive in to it. I understand if the pitch isn't fully formed yet (as the book isn't complete), but perhaps a little more in terms of description would have made it jump out at me. The sentence 'Alesha thinks she has all the answers. But she's about to discover that she hasn't even been asking the right questions' felt....almost YA to me. I struggle to comment on that (particularly when you know how much trouble I have with my own pitch!) but it's my honest thought that you're not doing your story justice with the pitch as it stands.

My only other (minor) issue was with Falconer, and that's purely because his name is so close to Scott Lynch's 'the Falconer' from 'The Lies of Locke Lamora' -- a thoroughly nasty piece of work who deserved exactly what happened to him -- and I had immediate trouble relating to your Falconer as a nice character after that, but that's only my own response :-)

Overall though, this is a slick and well-presented piece of fantasy that a reader can fall straight into, and it goes on my shelf for a spin. I will enjoy reading further, and all the best with 'Blood Ties'.

Cat

What a delight !
Blood Ties is fantasy as it should be, beautifully written, believable and tightly plotted.
Exquisite word building, you had me transported instantly to an intriguing new world. One where I wanted to stay, enthralled as the story unfolded. You are a consummate storyteller, Debbie, triggering my imagination and wanting more, especially of the Cala !
Backed with great pleasure.

You've created a believable world and characters here. Interesting premise coupled with engaging writing. What more can I say? I like this a lot. Giving it a turn on my shelf.

Ok, I've just started and it's already painful. Since I already know that the book isn't finished, I am having trouble deciding whether to just stop now for a bit to let you finish or to get even more entranced by it and then have to wait.
Decisions, decisions. But I have definitely decided to add it to my watch list.
In other words, very nice beginning. I wish I had time to read more this morning.

Chapter two: I jotted down some notes as I read. I've pasted them in directly rather than summarising (sorry, they're pretty long). Overall, you've set the situation up well and things are moving along. Nice job keeping us curious about Falconer too.

'squinting against the glare of sunlight' – should probably be obvious the room's bright before he opens his eyes.

Watch comments like - 'His first thought was that the ceiling could do with a coat of paint, but prudence didn't suggest that mentioning the fact would help his situation much.' It's wordy and irrelevant as far as moving the story forward goes, and there's better ways to describe the room within the context of the story. Ie, if the place is miserable and unmaintained, show us its effect on him.

Watch the cliché's such as 'this was serious business' and 'if they thought for one moment' and 'you're out of your depth' 'in no time' etc.

The first nine paragraphs of the conversation between Jareth and the Haran are wordy - you could establish the situation in one or two.

Watch the 'telling'. Ie, 'So this was Haran and every bit as formidable as reputation suggested.' If you have to tell us he'd formidable, you're failing to show us how formidable he really is. Also, watch telling us stuff like – 'As he'd slept, his body had analysed the drug and manufactured the antidote…' Just hinting that exposure would give him a higher tolerance is enough. It's also very scientific the way you put it, which makes it feel very out of place.

Big info dump paragraph starting with 'So that was why they thought he was in the city'. You could probably draw the important bits out in their conversation.

Watch it when you delve into his direct thoughts. It's already his POV, so italicising thoughts really doesn't do anything for the story.

I found myself getting bored during the first part of Alesha's part of the chapter until she got to the bar and started getting into trouble. Big question: why was she there? She obviously hates the company and doesn't like the attention. I think this needs some justification. Boredom isn't enough. Also, you're presenting her as thoroughly ignorant of almost everything surrounding her. Not sure if that's your intention. If it is, it could use some more development as to why she's so ignorant, especially as she sneaks out regularly and rubs shoulders with the 'commoners'. I would assume at least a little 'street smarts' and the ability to blend in a little, especially an ability to deal with the unwanted attention of drunks.

Anyway, all just observations that jumped out at me. Hope it helps.

Cheers
Chris

Read the prologue and chapter 1. Nice setup. Lots of brewing conflict and a well thought-out world.

Regarding the prologue - not sure if it should be a prologue as it's directly a part of the story rather than a distant event that influences it. You might want to consider renaming it chapter 1. Another possibly would be to remove it and reveal what you need of it through Alesha's dreams and other tidbits of information, keeping us curious and reading on to find out about Alesha's past. As I haven't read on, I don't know how much more of a part Andry plays, which would influence such a decision.

My only real prob however was about half way through chapter 1 where I found myself skipping ahead. That's possibly more of a reflection on my reading habits than your story, but it did slow down at that point. Might be worth taking another look at it with that in mind.

Overall, I think you're on the right track. It would certainly be worth my time reading on to see how the story develops.

Cheers and best of luck,
Chris

Thanks Mary & Patty. Much appreciated!

Hi Debbie,

Just to let you know I've shelved this! I prefer it to Edge of Dreams - just seemed to grab me more.

If you want a more detailed review, just let me know on my home page.

All the best

Mary

Debbie,

A couple of days later, I'm still thinking about this book, so I'm putting it on the shelf for a bit.

Thanks again, Patty. Bloody pronouns - other people have mentioned this too, so it's clearly something I need to look at!

Chapter 2 comments:

Nice plot developments! Good pace.

I feel I'd like to know a bit more about these Cala - what they are and why people fear them so much.

There is a bit of repetition going on, where the same thought/sentiment is expressed twice in the dialogue. There is some room for trimming here.

Watch pronouns. It's not always clear which him/them you are talking about.

Thanks Patty, much appreciated!

Debbie,

Some comments. Overall , I like this. There is plenty of tension and it's well-written.

A few comments, worth what you paid for them:

I think you are being a little bit too coy about the man and his abilities. Is ther perhaps a bit of general gossip about them that the girls can share?

At times, you have a paragraph that comes across as being a tad infodumpy. It happens when you describe some sort of fact about a character or the situation and you stop the foward movement of the story for a number of paragraphs. Usually, the first sentence of the infodump involes the word 'was'. Try to determine what you really need at this stage and move the rest to a later chapter.

OK, I'll watchlist this.

Great writing. Enjoying it. Shelving.

Thanks Ju & Richard. Should you wish to carry on reading, you hopefully won't get eyestrain now!

For anyone yet to read: I've just re-uploaded in Verdana 12pt which is a bit easier on the eye! Apologies - didn't realise I've got this in 10pt in Word.

I skipped straight to the fantasy. I'm glad to see you've got three books up too.
I love fantasy books but so many are written for children or Young Adults. I read them too but it's nice to have one written so well for adults too.
It flows well and already you build in a concern for the characters. I want to know what's going to happen to them.
I confess I've only read the first chapter but I will be back to read the rest very soon.

ju x

Thanks for that. Glad you enjoyed it!

Your story is engaging, I love the traditional fantasy and the writing instantly takes me into the book; I can see the characters clearly, understand them, and almost feel the world around them. I like it :)

Sadly, that's the best I can put together for a passable comment on a good story

Thanks for that, Simon. I confess that as this is the only "work in progress" that I have uploaded, that I have no synopsis or even a clear idea where it's heading. So I wrote the pitch in less than 30 seconds just to get the thing uploaded, which is completely the wrong approach I know! I will put some work into it when I can tear myself away from this site for long enough!

Debbie

Confident, assured writing and - after the prologue and chapter 1 - I did feel like I wanted to read more - but the small font on the screen just isn't making very good friends with my eyes. Very much in the traditional fantasy vein, but I wonder if proclaiming that in the pitch is a good advert. If I were you, I'd leave that to the genre heading and use the proclaim this book's specific qualities.

Ginger - have had another look at Coombe's Wood - see the comments.

I must summon up sufficient energy/interest to carry on writing this one. As Jan suggested, maybe I need to kill somebody off to get it moving again! I actually had editorial interest in this once upon a time - I used to send it to Orion periodically for feedback. But then, as is the way with these things, she left the company...

Debbie, I like the blurb for this novel, I shall be back later to have a proper read. For now, I’ll pop you on my watchlist so I don’t forget! I’ve spent the summer mulling over your comments on Coombe’s Wood, and decided you were right about the first chapter. If you have time, could you scan the chapter and let me know if you think it works better?
Lisa

Thanks, Pathie. Now my nerves are stablised with my sex-and-drugs thriller I will go and read some more of other work on this site....

this is my first comment on this site. i like this book and will continue to read

Two ways to get re-nvolved in an epic like this are:

a/ kill one of the characters off - that always gets reader and writer on their feet
b/ introduce a new character who can introduce a fresh dynamic/viewpoint

May not work of course but worth trying one or both?

S&S fantasy. Of course it is. I totally lost that description somewhere in my brain and couldn't figure out how to tag this. Will go and sort that out! The big problem I have with this one is that I'm almost 70,000 words in and I've totally lost the momentum. It's not writer's block as such, I just can't get sufficiently involved with the characters to care what happens to them! I'm sure I'll work it out eventually! Deb

Good writing - as always. Been a while since I have read any 'sword and sorcery' fantasy' but this is great. I love the first line. Its a cracker. Read up to chapter 5 - which is about all I can manage at one time online

Will get back to more soon...

Hmm - interesting. Trouble is if I don't reveal it in chapter 7, I lose a POV character since I can't write from that POV without revealing it, as it would be cheating in my opinion!

I'll bear that in mind, thanks. What I will probably do when the thing is actually finished, is draw out a list of the different POVs and try to balance them out across the novel. That might then be the place to see when/how I can make some changes. Writing in multiple POVs isn't something I've done before (I normally stick to 2) so it's all a learning curve!

Thanks for your thoughts - very useful.

debbie

Hi Debbie, I've read the extra chapters now.

I have to say, I didn't like what was revealed in Chapter 7 (remaining cryptic to avoid spoilers). I think that it could have had a lot more of an impact if it had been revealed slightly later in the story and, to me, it ruined the flow of the story a little bit. Only temporarily though.

I really look forward to reading more.

Cool, I'll read when I'm more conscious.

The upload functions seems to be a bit screwy right now. I tried to upload a book privately and it died because I uploaded it as one long chapter.

Hope you don't have any more problems with it. I'll come back to this tomorrow, probably.

Thank you. I've added a few more chapters - had a few problems with the upload originally, but I think I've sorted it now.

You advertised it as traditional fantasy and that's what this is; good, solid, traditional fantasy. The characters are interesting and the plot engaging.

Your writing is almost flawless and very polished. I enjoyed reading it very much.