Beings of Light

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

One of the toughest things in sci fi is establishing your alternate reality so that it's intelligible from the start.
You've done a great job with this, it's very clear what "world" we are dealing with. Uh....the sentence "What
Mark read blew his mind"...It's succinct, to be sure. It feels discordant. Philip K. Dick has written that the entire
basis of sci fi is to ask two questions: what is human? what is real? Looks like you've got a good start on working through both these questions. Well done!

Art

I read straight through the first three chapters.

This is original and intriguing. I couldn't find anything to nit as I read.

Good work.

Shelved,

Rian

This is a great concept. I like the sack of flesh drooling after the brain had been extracted. That was strangely amusing to me.

The writing is great. I think that the journal entries in chapter two were good, but I found my eye jumping ahead which I don't think is the effect you wanted.

Good Luck with your work.

Armen (Urtaru)

PS I'm going to give you some of my revolving shelf space.

I think that you have a good concept but the list of rules needs to be trimmed. We do not need all of those rules or even in that order. It would work better to integrate this into the action better. A minor kerfuffle, but one that is easily fixed. The sudden change of heart also perplexed me.

Well, Mark's real issue is that he - and the entire human race - have been living a lie. It's a "me" thing, I guess - I can't stand propaganda (but at the same time I find the concept intriguing).

I've got to start writing this again. The plot's all there, as I already have a complete draft 1, but I've kinda got stuck on chapter 6. Thanks for you comments, though :)

A comment on Chapter 2.

Alright, I'm really liking this story. Distopian societies and rebel humans= love in my book.
But, kthe one thing that bothered me about chapter 2 was the fact that, out of the blue, Mark decided that he didn't liek things. You said that life was hard for him, but compared to everyone else, he seemed like a privilaged kid. All he had to do was study. If he's undergoing any other tortures, make mention of them. So when he decides to rebel, it makes a little more sense.

I can't wait to read more.

A good idea which you seem to be holding at arm's length. You develop the technical end, but you don't let the characters go. There's no sense of human emotion, just words about it. For example, if I knew that all humans were being killed after their first child was born, I'd be a lot more intense than your journal writer. There's also no sense of family. Alex the security guard is better developed than father, mother, or sister. Why should we care that she's dead? We didn't know her when she was alive.

Hey Paul, you've imagined the details of this world pretty thoroughly, and I find the concept fascinating. I love picturing people made of light fly around and doing other amazing things, and I think the idea of religion made of reality is really neat. The holosim training was well-done, too--the imaginary ladder thing was very inventive. This is the first manuscript I've finished on Authonomy.com, and I'm adding it to my bookshelf.

I have some constructive criticism as well. The fact that Mark discovers a physical journal seems archaic, given that this story is set far in the future. Wouldn't his ancestor have recorded his experiences on something a little more modern than paper? Also, it struck me as odd that the Mark's ancestor overheard two holosims discussing "Operation Clean Slate". Why would they discuss something so secretive out loud, when they could just use the telepathic instant messaging thing? As well, it seems contrived when Alex's ancestor wishes him "good luck" at the journal's end. It seems to me things would have been appeared pretty hopeless to him, and saying "good luck" suggests that he thinks there is a solution.

I'd be careful of saying that it's a certainty souls aren't lost in the transition from human to holosim. The existence of a soul has never been proven, and therefore there's no way of investigating the question of its transition. I can't see any religious groups being appeased by this.

Finally, Mark's reaction to his sister's enervation seems too casual and contrived. Is this because he is now a holosim? It didn't sit well with me, at any rate.

From what you've posted here, Beings of Light is an entertaining read, though I think it needs some revision. I hope you continue to work on this.

Very good. Right up my street. Well written good ideas, keeps the interest going. So it's on my book shelf.
I also have Angels in my book (not surprisingly given the title) so if you would care to have a look

http://authonomy.com/ReadBook.aspx?bookid=1742#chapter

;-)

Read you first chapter and i love your concept so far. My only suggestion to take or leave...it iwll be good if you can introduce some dialogue early up in the chapter. it helps engage more. so far so good.
kweku