Old Habits Die Hard

I loved the pitch for this book and wasn't disappointed when I read a couple of chapters. The first chapter is wonderful and really draws the reader in. The hooks at the end of each chapter are very skilfully done. You have a great story here. I like the monastery setting as well; it gives the story a unique twist and sets it apart from the usual crime thrillers. The part where Mike Delaney's wife and unborn baby are killed creates a nice emotional element so that the reader sympathises with Mike. I found your writing to be very skilful and professional. Why isn't this book further up the charts? There doesn't seem to have been any activity on it for a while. Have you given up on this novel? I hope not because that would be a dreadful shame with writing as good quality as this.

Kim (Pain)

Hi, reading your pitch I'm not convinced it's a good idea to reveal that the murderer he's hunting is a transvestite serial killer. Transvestite implies a man dressed as a woman, so DNA evidence is not important. Unless you have a twist whereby it turns out this is not the real killer, it doesn't give the reader much of an incentive to read past the back cover blurb.

I like your style of writing. This is an awsome book. BACKED

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
Scorned

I like your style of writing. This is an awsome. BACKED

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
Scorned

I like your style of writing. This is an awsome. BACKED

BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
Scorned

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi David,

I love your description. From the moment I read the first paragraph I knew I was going to adore your style.

The only thing that really turned me off the book is my complete and utter bordem with attractive female victims. I don't know that there is a single greater cliche. It's the 00's, its time for some new prey.

I know when you give me some original victims I'll be backing your books.

Frankie.

Had this on my watchlist for a long time, finally managed to get over here for a read, but it seems you've not been around in a while.

I like the pace in the first chapter. The prologue was a little slow, too much telling us about the past, and slowing down the pace. Do you really need the prologue? It feels much better as a reader starting after at chapter one.

I do like this type of story, and it seems you have a neat twist going on, which I'll come back to read more about. In my lunch break at the moment, so a quick read for now.

You definitely have me more interested in chapter one and I'd like to read more when I have more time.

Lorrii

Hi Richard
It was at 12 then the secret algorithm bumped it down to 300 odd in a matter of weeks. So, frankly, I have given up on this site. My US agent is shopping the book as we speak so, you never know.

David, you were among the first Authonomists to comment on “Out for Blood” as it was called then. “Lifers” as it is called now has been extensively altered thanks to your comments. I have also broken down the chapter length to no more than a couple of pages. Do you think you have time to read one or two beginning chapters to see if it is coming together any better?
I would appreciate your feedback immensely on this.
If however you are too busy to do this, then that’s fine.

Thanks very much either way,
Mark.

Hi, I suppose a creative writing teacher would make all sorts of comments about how to portray characters, differentiate dialogue and the smells and sounds of settings but with fast paced prose such as yours that is all irrelevant. Readers want action and plenty of it. cheers

David,

I read through Chapter 1 (prologue?) again, and I'me still seeing Bill as a dead body.

I'm getting these hints (sorry, can't copy & paste on this site): The bullet hit home. Mike could choose between (something else) and terminal revenge. But then he saw the expression in Bill's eyes.
Ergo: he was dead. That what I make of those hints in the text. Also, Bill doesn't feature at all in the rest of the scene, so he's definitely dead.

I have now read chapter 2 (as posted here)

This chapter has an abrupt change of pace and plot that had me scratching my head a bit. You finish the previous chapter with a tightening noose, and then... that's all forgotten. Three years later...? What happened to the noose? What happened to the shit they were supposed to have been in?

Mike meditates with monks. Not badly described (I liked the sneaking up part), albeit a bit wordy, but mainly not really what I was expecting or hoping for. I was hoping to find out what happened to Bill and how Mike got out of the shit in the previous chapter.

Maria. Why not start the book with her murder?

I don't know. Something in the plot doesn't click with me. There are a lot of things thrown in that cloud the picture I'm trying to get of the situation.

Mike and Bill get into a fight in Hong Kong - unrelated - Mike marries Maria - unrelated - Maria is murdered - Mike goes into a monastery (or has a lot of ties with them in any case) - Bill rings up. I think I need a tad more coherence. Or maybe show us how these things are related.

I think Maria's murder would make a great scene.

I think you could trim the prose a bit. Also look at how often you start a sentence with There was/It was, or how often you use the word 'was' full stop. I'd try to find better verbs for about 30% of instances of 'was', just to make the prose more alive.

Hello, Ursula, Sheilab & Patty: Sorry for this late response. I've been travelling and have more trips to make so my time on this site is limited. I will take a look at your books very soon, promise.

Patty: Messenger is not dead. If you read on you'll see why. There are some details in there that are essential to the story without which some things wouldn't make sense. And, I didn't think there was any dialogue. But I'm glad you like it. I will revisit the prologue again and I will take a second look.

Ursula: thank you very much for the endorsement. If you have a book uo I will try to get to it before I go off again.

Sheilab: Thank you for your comments. I note earlier that it was the blurb that got you to take a look so it must have done something right but, yes, it's always worth taking a second look.

Bob Messenger is one of those people who sounds like a toff sometimes but other times like a barrow boy.

I've read a couple of Lee Child novels. I can't say I have consciously tried to emulate him, although the creation of a macho character such as Mike Delaney might be seen as a Jack Reacher type - except Delaney has a feminine/mystical side. On another site, on reviewer commented on the female principal point which quite took me aback.

Thank you very much for taking a look.

Hi David
Ok. I'm adding this to my shelf. I like it a lot. Reminds me of Lee Child - I wonder if that's the style you're aiming for? I'm not sure if anyone's mentioned this already but your blurb needs to be changed. Your 25 words are repeated (more or less) in the main blurb which takes away from the overall effect.
A few other things (very minor) struck me during the reading - one of which was Bob Messenger's voice - sounds very upper class but the name doesn't go with that (at least not for me)? Also, for me at least, that last line in Chapter 1 doesn't quite work.
But, I'm shelving it because the rest is a page turner and I would DEFINITELY buy this!
Sheila

I'm new to this whole thing, so have been stumbling around a bit trying to come up with a system of finding books I want to read and fell upon this whilst searching Thrillers. I've only made it to Chapter 3 so far but love it and will definately be back for another fix.

Dave,

Came over here for a peek after having seen your comments elsewhere. Hope you don't mind.

Read the first chapter, and have put it on the watch list to come back to later.

The scene holds my interest and is easy to read. I can picture what is happening, although - would it be possible to add some additional Chinese flavour?

I also think you could perhaps be more visual. For example, where you tell us Messenger is dead, I'd rather see his glazed eyes and draw that conclusion for myself.

I feel it could be grittier with more immediate language. Some of the writing went in too much detail, some of it a bit repetitive, and covered things the character couldn't possibly see in the dark. I think a 10-20% cutting would make this a very gripping read.

i have been trawling around this site as a reader, not a writer (well, trying to be) and this has all the hallmarks of a bestseller. Of course, I'm biased. I am into this kind of macho crime thriller though I suspect not everyone will be. The Irish aspect, naturally, tickled my palate. We don't have many Irish kick ass/spiritually inclined action heroes like Mike Delaney - unless you count Pierce Brosnan and, sure, he's more or less an American. I note you have seen the erstwhile James Bond naked, according to your website. Have you recovered yet?

Hi David
Came across this while browsing the site. Great blurb. You're added to my watchlist and I hope to get comments back as soon as I get a chance to read it.
Sheila

David, maybe you could get some younger guys to enact your choreography then.

I found it enormously helpful to enact my fight scenes with friends from my Shaolin class. By analysing and enacting what I had written, we found out that some things wouldn't work in real life and so I was able to re-write what I feel are better fight scenes.

Declan - you are seriously well informed. Fight scenes: I suppose I do, but not a physical re-enactment - my old bones wouldn't stand it.

"Delaney was, in part, modelled on a real-life Englishman who trained the RHKPF in martial arts and competed in Asian martial arts contests."

That would be Dan Docherty, then?

David, without a doubt your agent's view holds far more weight than mine! As I said take my opinions with a large pinch of salt.

Except the ones about Gongfu and Qigong. I do know what I'm talking about there. ;-)

I am not a practitioner of Taiji though, I confess. I practise a similar art from Shaolin called Wuji. In Wuji, the idea is to empty your mind as you practise, so I assumed the notion would be similar in Taiji. I agree, the empty mind can notice a lot but precisely because nothing is cluttering it. In Wuji, though, you certainly wouldn't be looking down at your shadow.

Still, these are such specific details that, even if I am right, 99% of your readers won't know the difference.

Out of curiosity, do you choreograph your fight scenes before you write them? I do.

Hi Declan - sorry for this late reply to some of your points.

Blurb: I am pitching a series featuring MD and would normally include a short background profile of the lead character to add as much colour as possible. So, I decided to use this pitch as a combination of backgrounder and story line whilst trying to establish a hook for future books. Not sure if works or not.

Hannibal Lecter ref: I can't lay claim to this comment. My US agent came up with it and he uses it when he pitches the book so, who am I to argue?

Chinese rule in Hong Kong: the most important point. HK is still a commercial juggernaut despite the pre-1997 fears about Chinese communist rule., So, HK still as a high percentage of non-Chinese in business. Like many police forces, the HKPF does invite non-Chinese experts on secondment. This is nothing special and normally of short duration. I have a contact in HKPF who confirms that people such as MD and BM could have been seconded for their expertise in counter terrorism, for example. Where I have taken a distinct liberty is in putting these characters in an operational setting on the streets of HK. The only way around this within the story line, would be to change one of the triad groups to a non-Chinese group including US and UK members and, that as MD is being set-up, it just might work. Delaney was, in part, modelled on a real-life Englishman who trained the RHKPF in martial arts and competed in Asian martial arts contests.

Seppuku: you are correct. Hara-Kiri is just a westernised interpretation or description of belly slicing.

Qi Kung/Tai Chi - yes, but they are related. I frequently practice Qi Kung postures and movements before practising the form. And the empty mind can be aware of surprising amount.

Just a couple of points, David.

The Chinese actually recognise three Dantian points. The lower Dantian is the one people usually mean when they just say "Dantian". This is located just below the navel.

The Samurai called ritual suicide "Seppuku". They never called it "hara-kiri". However, they did cut into the lower abdomen (hara) when they commited Seppuku.

Although you can focus on a single point in Qigong, that is a device just used to help beginners concentrate. Experienced Qigong practitioners try to empty their minds. In any case, Tai Chi is not a Qigong exercise.

All the best,

Declan

David, Thank you for your encouraging comments on Bending the Rules. I do appreciate knowing that you find "something effortlessly comfortable" about the opening pages. And it's so good to have finally found someone who remembers the Angelus Bells from his childhood (especially in Ireland).

I'm curious about 'the Americanism gotten' and so sorry it caused your teeth to ache! After reading your comments I took a close look at my chapter one and found I had used the word at least six times. I wonder what you British use in place of 'had gotten' -- 'had become', perhaps?

I am grateful to you for having looked at my first chapter and naturally, I've added Old Habits Die Hard to my watch list. I'll probably have to bump a book off my shelf and place yours there, once I've started reading--your pitch makes me think your book will provide some an intriguing read. And I noticed that you also, among your many impressive talents, are a journalist. What a fascinating life you have been leading.

By the way, yes, I think you would find a quick escalation in tempo if you read on -- the pace picks up and as it does, the chapters shorten. Thanks again -- PJ Savage

Two very quick thank yous - to superluminary - I do understand the need to hold back information. This site lures you into over quick judgements.

And, Declan, I will respond fully soon but am in a rush. I will go on an adjective and literal hunt asap - you are perfectly right and, please, this is exactly the sort of scrutiny every book needs. I will return the favour shortly.

Out of interest, the Tan Tien is normally regarded as being the solar plexus and, millimetres below this, in bushido belief, is the point of death; the point the samurai needed to locate in hara-kiri. So, you have the point of life (solar plexus/Tan Tien) and point of death within a whisker of each other. Rather satisfying, isn't it? Also, in some forms of Qi Kung, it is possible to meditate on a fixed point (like a Buddhist mandala) while emptying the mind - so it is possible to be aware of nothing and of everything simultaneously - must dash, but my grateful thanks.

David - thank you for your comments on System Reset for which I am grateful. It's nice to know that someone, at least has looked at it. The two points you make are reasonable but I would argue that the identity of the characters mentioned in the first chapter remains to be discovered. Curiosity should drive you forward. Secondly, Lucy is a telepath which is not the same as being a psychic and, again, you have to read on to find out the relationship between the telepathy and the dreams of past lives. System Reset is a sequel to The Necromancers, a much more complex and literary book, which you can also find on authonomy. I'm afraid I haven't looked at your book yet. There is a great deal on authonomy, too much I would say, and thrillers are not really my thing, especially if they are incomplete. At the moment I am concentrating on Jaeger's Waiting for Hitler, and Carlos's The Visiting Professor, (neither of which are complete !!) which are much closer to my rather intellectual tastes. You do appear to be doing very well in the beauty contest. I am certainly not in the same league. So good luck.

You'll be sick of me soon, David.

I am now commenting on Chapter One.

"An harmonious display"? Surely "a harmonious display".

"Mike Delaney was dressed in a simple, loose-fitting, two-piece, black, silk suit." Any chance could fit in a couple more adjectives? ;-)

Seriously, though, watch out for your use of commas in that sentence and do consider trimming it down. Moreover, the idea of someone practising Tai Chi in a silk suit is a bit cliched. How about a tracksuit?

In Tai Chi the energy centre is the Dantien, not the solar plexus, which is a point roughly three inches below the navel (roughly the body's centre of gravity). What's more, when practising Tai Chi, Delaney would not be focussing on his shadow; rather, he would be trying to empty his mind.

I think the idea of the superhuman, martial arts trained assassin has been done to death, so the idea that he didn't even raise a grain of dust when he moved just comes across as hyperbole.

"... if you ever need talk, or cry." Surely, "if you ever need to talk, or cry."

The name G-force was used in a popular Japanese cartoon series in the 80s called "Battle of the Planets". I don't know if that will ring a bell with anyone else, but I couldn't get the idea of giant alien robots out of my head.

How come Delaney's feet flap on a paved floor, when he is so subtle in his movement that he doesn't even raise a grain of dust when he is outside?

I think it's enough that you say Messenger is an expert in IT systems. The phrase "computer genius" strikes me as somewhat hackneyed.

You seem to be missing a question mark after "never been made public have they".

Would Messenger really say "mate", considering he speaks with a clipped English accent and says "old boy".

Is "sweet" really the right adjective for Delaney's revenge considering how you have already described his feelings?
- stabbing pain
- heartache
- bereft loss
- raged
- the fire inside
- infected his soul with hate

None of this language suggests he is looking for "sweet" revenge.

It's still a little wordy for me. I would cut down on the adjectives. You'll often find one or none enough.

I think you have the potential for a very good story, so I am going to read more. However, as I said before, the idea of a trained assassin out for revenge is not new, so you will really have to stamp your own writing style on it as if to say, "So what if it's not a new story? Look how I write it!"

All the best,

Declan

Hello again, David.

Right, this time I'm commenting on the prologue. Some of my thoughts are just nit-picking, but you might decide that you want every nit picked, so you can decide for yourself how much of a pitch of salt to take with my comments.

The first sentence struck me a bit like "It was a dark and stormy night".

Watch out for your use of commas. You often string adjectives together without separating them.

You use Delaney's name a lot. Consider replacing some of them with a pronoun.

Isn't a "cudgel-shaped piece of wood" actually just a cudgel?

I'm not sure what martial art Delaney uses when he fights. You have him practising Tai Chi later, but I haven't assumed that's what he uses when he fights. Anyway, in Chinese martial arts, one doesn't tend to use a palm strike against the abdomen (it's more of a hard target weapon), so the flat hand to the solar plexus doesn't ring true. Suggest you use the sternum as the target. Moreover, a single-knuckle strike with the index finger is a more likely weapon against the carotid artery. I did say there would be nit-picking. ;-)

Overall, it's a good intro (though a little wordy for my taste) and it hooked me enough to want to read chapter one.

Regards,

Declan

Hi, David.

I finally got round to reading some of "Old Habits" on a plane today and I made some notes. Please remember that I am not a professional reviewer, so any opinions I have should be taken with a healthy pinch of salt.

This comment relates solely to your pitch.

Overall:
I think the premise will appeal to a lot of readers. The notion of a monk-like assassin out for revenge is hardly a new one, but then there are no really new storylines out there, so I don't see that as a weakness. It has been done many times before though, so you will need to watch out for cliches.

Short pitch:
Punchy enough, but the phrase "mysteriously violated" leaves me confused rather than intrigued. I would just say "violated". I would also leave out the "transvestite" reference to the end of the long pitch (where you also have it). Here in the short pitch, it comes across to me as somewhat comical.

Long pitch:
Build intrigue and hook people with the pitch. I feel anything that doesn't contribute to that should be left out. I would leave out Delaney's ethnicity / upbringing and Bob Messenger (or show how he is key).

I would also trim down the whole "G-force, ultra secret squad" reference. It sounds like you are trying too hard to say how special Delaney is. Perhaps just say that he was a highly trained assassin for the US Government.

Regarding the secondment to the Hong Kong police, it doesn't ring true. Why would the US Government second one of their most highly trained assassins to a foreign police force just to teach them how to kick people in the head? And in Hong of all places, which is A) not short of a few head-kicking specialists and B) part of the People's Republic of China. Perhaps his secondment could be for another reason, and/or perhaps it need not be Hong Kong.

I was left wondering where in the world the San Rafael mountains were.

Again, I feel "mysteriously" violated creates confusion rather than intrigue.

I wouldn't say "contract serial killer". It left me confused again. Is he a contract killer or a serial killer? Has he been contracted to be a serial killer? Perhaps just say "contract killer".

Not sure it's a good idea to make reference to another author's most famous character.

Not sure whether other people agree, but hope it helps.

Regards,

Declan

You're creeping on up. I'm backing you. Hope you make it.

You cover a lot of ground David C.

I've read an extract of this before at another forum and I really enjoyed it then. I enjoyed the globe-trotting at the beginning and I wonder if there could be flash-backs to other locations. There's a strong and instinctive impetus to the writing which follows a boundary between madness and meditation.

No, David C, I haven't come across that book. But I did have close access to the shamans on the ground over a long period. That's why it has the ring of truth. I'm going to Google the Kashmiri book now. Thanks for the tip.

I see you are a muso too. We might have people in common...like Ronan Browne?

Good luck with your Old Habits book.

Thank you, Blind Cupid and West Coombs - much appreciated. I have deliberately not pitched the 'real' high concept plot line - what you've read so far is just the escalator. And, Lucius Gynt gets even more terrifying. I can hardly read it myself. I am struggling with time at the moment but I plan an intense comment session so I'll be logging in to your pages.

Half way through what you've posted and really enjoying it. Nothing, in this field, beats a villain like you have created in Lucius Gynt. Peerless...hugley enjoyable.

your novel is the sort of book I Iike to read to make time pass during the hours waiting for the jet home after midnight from Bombay and Delhi when I'm in India on business. Keep it up!

thanks for your advice on the "journalese"
I amended it
will look at your work and comment
rgds

I liked the fact that this is very visual. The writing too is crisp and competent. I do not generally read crime or thrillers, but this was interesting enough to make me read 3 chapters straight off. I have placed it on my watchlist so that I can come back to it in the near future.

I read thrillers now and then - I'm more of a literary fiction fan - but this prologue is difficult to put down. I immediately both hate and love Mike Delaney and you have to have an emotional response at the outset - even though this may change as you read the book. I'll definitely read the rest.

Oh I like this very, very much indeed.

I love the pace and the style in which you've written it.

Wonderful - you've whetted my appetite and I am keen read more.

Xowie
x

This is a skillful thriller and beautifully written. I like the contrast between the action opening and the more mystical, zen-like monastery scene then catapulting us in his wife's death. Excellent.

I read this before I joined the site. This is a top-notch thriller. I only have a few niggles here and there but, overall, if I saw this in a bookstore it would rank with the best out there. Delaney is an intriguing hero character and where you have left it the remarkable and odious Lucius Gynt just makes me want you to upload more. Makes my efforts look lightweight.

I don't a great deal of crime or thriller fiction but I looked around for pitches that attracted me. Having read this I find I am hooked. The main character is unlike the typical stereotype in this kind of book, although he does have a veneer of this. Do you plan to upload more chapters?

I really didn’t like the first paragraph. To me, it felt forced, and was too close to the old chestnut: It was a dark and stormy night.

Personally, I would start with the second paragraph, which is where the writing seems to flow better. I also felt some of your writing is a little wordy, and could benefit from some editing to remove the unnecessary words: Delaney sensed Messenger trailing him and behind his partner, he knew, was a small unit of armed officers with another small group moving in at the other end of the alleyway, blocking any escape. – apart from the repetition of the word ‘small’ in close proximity, this is the sort of thing I felt could be rewritten as it felt a little awkward.

I noticed a couple of bits of punctuation that you might like to look at, such as:

Delaney had played it by the book but inside he knew. It was a set-up and he wasn’t supposed to have emerged alive. - I though this should all be one sentence: Delaney had played it by the book but inside he knew it was a set-up and he wasn’t supposed to have emerged alive.

It’s all only my humble opinion of course, but I felt with some editing, you can tighten the story and improve it.

Hmmm, A higher concept in the later chapters you say. Maybe I will keep this on my watchlist. Try to get back to it a see where you take me. I hope I am not disappointed because like I said what you suggest in your blurb seems like a unique read.

As for my work -- yes I have just uploaded Static. Its not a crime-thriller-noir tale but its different. Just because it has ghost its not a horror story and because it has a tale or two of WWII doesn't make it historical. Give it a try its a chimera of literature.

Don

Thank you, Dan. I'm sorry you don't like Mike. I certainly do not see him as flawless. Sure, he's been well trained but, after the debaclé in Hong Kong his life changes. His struggle is a kind of spiritual one, in a way. The very way of life he has been trying to give up and change rebounds and bites him hard and, if you read on or I upload more chapters, you will see this turmoil more clearly. Yes, the prologue establishes his physical credentials - that's the whole point - so he does come across as a kind of Jack Reacher/Kung Fu fighter but he has not retired, he is trying to find out who he really is but his wife's murder makes him question two years of contemplation and meditation in a monastery (and I can't see Jack Reacher or his ilk ever doing that!)

And, the investigation into his wife's death is just the hors d-oeuvres. It is the escalator that leads you into the real high concept story that I have only hinted at in the blurb because I don't want to reveal. So, stick with me if you can. Have you uploaded anything?

David,
You pulled me in with your blurb. Your writing is taunt and quick and moves you along at sniper’s bullets pace. But I had a hard time with the story because I did not like Mike. I like my protagonist to have a flaw(s) and Mike seems infallible. He seems like the perfect seventies hero, faster, stronger, smarter, the one who always notices the piece of lint on the dead body – he’s more of a Greek god than a hero I can root for. Is there are reason Mike is this flawless? If it were because he needs to be this epitome of perfection because the villain is that repugnant, I would consider reading on. But right now, Mike seems like every other detective I’ve read (comes out retirement to solve a murder only he can solve) and I don’t have the inclination to read another one. And that’s a damn shame, David, because your writing style and descriptions could have captivate me for pages as I tried to warm myself in the grey German sun.

I've only read the intro and that's enough. It's slick and well written and as good as anything I've read. I scanned other comments and this seems like a real heavyweight. Will come back shortly but will back it. Good work.

Hi David,

Thanks for the opportunity to read this. I have a couple of points about the opening. Forgive my stupidity, but if he's clutching the pistol, and then he tightens his knuckles, wouldn't that cause him to pull the trigger? Also, what happened to his gun? It wasn't mentioned that he'd dropped it, yet he chooses to hurl a cudgel. Just minor glitches, I know but enough to bring me out of the book.

I liked the Zen master scene, and it did come as a good contrast to the opening. I was a little stunned however at the plot shift--he'd been betrayed by his own police unit so I thought this was going to be the main narrative...but then we learn his wife was brutally murdered. Why not show the murder of his wife at the beginning?

For all this, you have a punchy writing style which is perfect for the genre and the characters come to life so I wish you well with this.