Whispers through the Aspens

This is lovely writing and some of the best natural dialogue I've seen. The pacing, the unfolding of the environment... beautifully gauged and crafted. Very impressive stuff.

I'm nitpicking now... and the reason I'm nitpicking is because the writing is so good. It jarred for me when I read "vibrant shades" and "patchwork of colors" because your writing is too good for such clichés and I suspect they've sneaked past your editorial eye. Similarly I passed by a few instances of unwitting repetition:

"The smell of the smoke was completely gone now..." is too closely followed by "He told himself that whoever it was, was long gone by now..." - reading through (preferably out loud) with careful eye will pick up these and eliminating repetition where it isn't serving a deliberate purpose will tighten the prose.

But really I am having to *seriously* nitpick - the better the writing the more these little things stand out as flaws and were I not to mention them, I'd have nothing to say other than pure gush for this writing..!

It's lovely, the premise is intriguing, the dialogue ought to be held up as an example to others on this site as to how it *should* be done... I'm very happy to support this work and wish you an ongoing upward rise.

Sandie

This has got to have one of the most thrilling openings to a book anywhere here on Authonomy.

I loved the pitch, but I wasn't expecting this - a literary beauty, written with tremendous craft and real sensitivity. There's a delightful mystery slow-burning away, here, and I love the way you gradually cultivate that sense of mystery (in fact, in several directions at once - mysterious gunshots, arrows, a dead girl and a haunted mining town) while captivating the reader with such expert descriptions of nature.

This is real quality, here - in the writing, the pacing, the characterisation but, most of all I think, in the measured, supremely confident way you let the story unfold. Flashbacks - always difficult to pull off nicely - happen with the same perfect assurance as the dialogue and the pitch-perfect descriptions.

I cannot compliment your writing highly enough. I expected a ghost story, or something like that. I got something much, much more. This is beautiful, rich and rewarding.

Simon
('Will's Treason')

This is a writer who understands that the length of the sentence is dictated by the rhythm, by the fall of the cadences, and one who allows those rhythms to do their own work. This can sometimes be mistaken for overwriting. I read two chapters and I cannot find a single instance of overwriting here. And the beginning is where you would find it.
Listen:
'The rooster's staccato announcement punctu
ated the stillness of dawn as easily and reliably as the coming sun would always paint the sky and the awakening mountain slopes with the promise of warmth to a cold, September morning.'

The sun, the great master painter. I love that image. And there we see it, the time , the place, the sounds everything.
The dialogue, by contrast, is brief, to the point, as befits hardworking ranchers. A powerful counterpoint.

Behind this, for me at any rate stands McCarthy's 'All the Pretty Horses.' There's the same love for the species and the awe of nature pervading my work.
Onto my shelf. To stay, probably. Julia Sutton. Sea of Straw.

This is the second time I have put your book on my shelf. I'm not sure how the new system works, but at least I can give this wonderful book a rating.

I didn't comment last time I had the book on my shelf because I didn't have anything useful to add to the comments you've received already. And I still don't, so I will just say the writing in this book is beautifully evocative and it placed me right in the middle of the action. I could almost smell the early morning air.

This is really good. Reads like a good old western, though it's not. Your writing flows, the story comes naturally with no clumsy exposition. The descriptions are vivid and you create an atmosphere for the reader that changes as events unfold. I forgot you were telling a story and simply travelled along.

Sandie has pointed out a couple of those nit-picky things we all need to get rid of, but I agree with her, there isn't much. Merely housekeeping.

I shall back this at next shelf swop, and will be reading much further with this book.
Cariad.
STONES.

A wonderful mystery and great dialogue. Your descriptive talents conjured up all sorts of images for me. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This is a captivating story which is beautifully written. The pace and rhythm are so well crafted it is pure music. Backed.

An exciting first chapter reminiscent of the old Zane Gray stories of the wild west, but the setting is modern-rural Colorado. Story is off to a good start. Backed with confidence.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Aspen Valley Guest Ranch is under investigation after a law suit is filed for the death of one of the visitors. Jenny Campbell went walkabouts in the middle of the night and fell to her death, and now owner Dave Garry and his staff face the blame. But is it all cut and dried, because something disturbed the horse's that night, and overlooking the valley at an almost unreachable altitude is Camden, a ghost town.
Magnificent Aspen Valley is a spectacular backdrop, vividly described so expertly, that not only could I see the array of colours, but taste and smell the decaying leaves and bark residue. All in a deep vacumn of silence that only Rancher Will broke as he rode Patch along the trails and paths.
The plot is thick with intrigue, the describtions detailed and concise, the dialogue diverse and interesting as the story moves from Aspen to Denver and the law suit. I can't find any fault in the first three chapters so ' Whispers Through The Aspens' is going on my shelve.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

You're getting everything right: pace, prose, everything. I would like to have seen a stronger end to cha[ter two. Maybe breaking the lengthy sentence for more impact.

The forest was thinning with the coming winter . . . loved that.
Beautifully done. Best of luck!

Suz

Tense, hooked from the word go. This is a wonderfully written first chapter and really makes me want to find out just what is happening around here. Why did the woman die? it sounds suspiciously convenient for her to have fallen and broken her neck.

Will back and WL hoping I'll get time to come back to this later.

One thing I did find difficult though was some of the dialogue. Where you've given the characters their accents I had to slow down and concentrate to understand all the 'em's, an's and all that stuff. For the sake of keeping the pace fast and florid you might want to reduce these a little so the dialogue flies as fast as the narrative.

S.J.

I'm greatly enjoying the read. You have a gift for dialogue, for building believable skin-and-bone characters with real thoughts, real emotions and dealing with real issues, and oftentimes your imagery is simply wonderful. Having said that, here are a few nits on the first few chapters. :^)

Chapter One -- " ... , that didn't rise and fall away but built as if coming closer." This took me a moment to establish it was the rumbling you were talking about. Perhaps adding " ... but unlike thunder this didn't rise and fall ... " or " ..., this deep grumble didn't rise and fall ... " Fleshing it out a tiny bit could give support to the confusion and sense of exploration and discovery Will would feel upon waking.

Fantastic imagery of the "moving shadows in the moonlight". Love it.

Except for the clunkiness of the "No Hunting" sentence -- the phrase " ... once before a horse left out in the winter pasture had been mistakenly shot by a hunter ..." could be revisited and shaped into an easier read --, Chapter One is smooth and tight.

Chapter Two -- Typo: "cain't" should be "can't" in "But what I cain't get past is they said it looked like she'd only been dead ..."

Fantastic dialogue. You've really captured these people and how they think in the way they speak. Nicely done. You're also doing well in capturing these people in their mannerisms, the way they react to one another, and the things they wear (" ... large diamond next to her wedding band ... ")

Ah, seeing now that "cain't" is actually a word they use in their dialogue. :^) Perhaps at the first "cain't" you could indicate that that's how they pronounce it eg. "stretching out the vowel so that it lingered on the tongue, the sound closer to ain't than ant" or something like that? Just a (clumsy) thought. I fear an Editor would be red-marking every "cain't" in the book!

The imagery throughout is very nicely done.

Pet peeve: -- "To feel God out here?" he asked, looking back, his eyes wide, surprised by the question. -- consider dropping "his eyes wide". I always found the use of this "eyes wide" thing a little silly and with the calm demeanor of this character in the rest of his dealings with people, it feels out of place here. Having instead " ... he asked, looking back, surprised by the question" reads, to me, a bit more realistic and authentic.

Chapter Three -- " ... his eyes diverting anywhere but ... " Perhaps " ... his eyes focused anywhere but ... " might work as well? "diverting" kind of felt awkward.

And that's the only nit I have on Chapter Three. It read very smoothly, wonderfully paced, great dialogue and a very clever way of offering even more background info on your main MC and his history as well as building the tension in the story in a natural, believable way.

Obviously more than happy to give this a spin on my shelf.

Jonathan
MARTUK ... THE HOLY

This is an entrancing read. Very well done. I was engaged in the story right from the first - the opening lines put the reader right into the scene, no fooling around! I would like to read more, but this is all I have time for tonight. I applaud your writing, your story-telling skills, and your descriptive ability. Backed with pleasure.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

your descriptive ability leads this narrative extremely well; that whole small town issue and ethos comes across vibrantly. Your characterisation process is equal to the description and your population is impressively detailed and positioned.

BACKED

Wow. Finished the first chapter and wish I felt like I had something to offer you in terms of critique - but this is wonderful. Okay - one nitty thing: you only need to tell us that it's September once but you do 3 times within only a few pages. That's the only thing that gave me pause in reading this fine story. Your opening is fantastic - the action, the dialogue - concise but not overdoing the description. As an east-coast, urban girl - this is far from my world but I am completely drawn in. I love Will - wonderful character - smart and pissed off when he needs to be. And forgive me for not writing more but I need to go on to chapter 2... enough said? Bravo.
Tricia

I read the first three chapters and loved them. Your descriptions are so vivid and the Discovery Conference scene with the lawyer... well, I wanted to reach over the table and punch him.

A few things:

Are ranches supposed to have head counts? The lawyer never asks, and that seems like the important question. Is it the law that it be done?

In your pitch you mentioned that Jenny's fall was the latest in a series of unexplained deaths but never mention any other deaths. If this isn't relevant to the story, you should consider taking it out of the pitch. If it is relevant, it seems like something that should've been touched on in the Discovery Conference.

Just something small, but in chapter 2 somebody say "Sumpthin's just ain't right about this". I think it should either be "Sumpthin just ain't right" or Sumpthin's just not right". Even as slang the way it is doesn't sound right.

Other than that, you write so well that I wanted to keep reading through. Great job! I backed it and am putting it on my watchlist.

Please check out my book "Crazy". I'm looking forward to your honest feedback. If it's not your type of book, you can look at my other book "One Spring" if you want.

Whispers Through the Aspens has an intriguing synopsis and luscious descriptions of the rustic surroundings in Chapter One. I was shocked by the incident at the end of the chapter. Your plot is enthralling and I love this Colorado adventure with horses. Backed with enthusiasm.

I like to comment as I read...so sometimes I say something that I may later retract or return to as I learn more....

Excellent writing. The opening was quite visual...well paced with just enough to let the reader's imagination take hold. And what a visual...a herd of horses thundering down from dark mountain high ground. And so we're hooked nicely with "what spooked the horses?"

Love the detail of the rooster.

Great dialogue. Spot on. I hear these people in my head.

As Will rides up the mountain to investigate the danger (we as the reader suspect he might face) it is contrasted very nicely by the beauty of the surroundings. A deft touch. I the sinister hiding beneath the beauty of nature.

Stepping back for a moment to relate the previous encounter with the drifter is also good storytelling. This just in case the reader doesn't see the peril. It also gives us some character development with Will. A man's man. very good. This is his mountain...and he will protect what's his.

The next paragraph regarding the mountain foliage beginning to thin is just excellent. Loved the loyalty to nature line specifically.

Nice touch...crow lighting on a branch too thin. The reader "sees" these things. But then, you know that...it's why you wrote it that way.

And then Bam! the body. Oh you know how to hook me!

This is top notch writing. In many places you almost paint the scene. It is also just wonderful storytelling. You led us like a horse by the reins with one mystery after another. The stampede. The mysterious interloper (more savvy than any old drifter or even poacher) all leading up to the big reveal. A dead girl. Murdered, likely. Otherwise, what would she be doing all alone in such a place?

But we'll have to find out...and so you hooked me.

Wonderful work. Very easily backed and I'll be back for more!

Eric

I like to comment as I read...so sometimes I say something that I may later retract or return to as I learn more....

Excellent writing. The opening was quite visual...well paced with just enough to let the reader's imagination take hold. And what a visual...a herd of horses thundering down from dark mountain high ground. And so we're hooked nicely with "what spooked the horses?"

Love the detail of the rooster.

Great dialogue. Spot on. I hear these people in my head.

As Will rides up the mountain to investigate the danger (we as the reader suspect he might face) it is contrasted very nicely by the beauty of the surroundings. A deft touch. I the sinister hiding beneath the beauty of nature.

Stepping back for a moment to relate the previous encounter with the drifter is also good storytelling. This just in case the reader doesn't see the peril. It also gives us some character development with Will. A man's man. very good. This is his mountain...and he will protect what's his.

The next paragraph regarding the mountain foliage beginning to thin is just excellent. Loved the loyalty to nature line specifically.

Nice touch...crow lighting on a branch too thin. The reader "sees" these things. But then, you know that...it's why you wrote it that way.

And then Bam! the body. Oh you know how to hook me!

This is top notch writing. In many places you almost paint the scene. It is also just wonderful storytelling. You led us like a horse by the reins with one mystery after another. The stampede. The mysterious interloper (more savvy than any old drifter or even poacher) all leading up to the big reveal. A dead girl. Murdered, likely. Otherwise, what would she be doing all alone in such a place?

But we'll have to find out...and so you hooked me.

Wonderful work. Very easily backed and I'll be back for more!

Eric

I like to comment as I read...so sometimes I say something that I may later retract or return to as I learn more....

Excellent writing. The opening was quite visual...well paced with just enough to let the reader's imagination take hold. And what a visual...a herd of horses thundering down from dark mountain high ground. And so we're hooked nicely with "what spooked the horses?"

Love the detail of the rooster.

Great dialogue. Spot on. I hear these people in my head.

As Will rides up the mountain to investigate the danger (we as the reader suspect he might face) it is contrasted very nicely by the beauty of the surroundings. A deft touch. I the sinister hiding beneath the beauty of nature.

Stepping back for a moment to relate the previous encounter with the drifter is also good storytelling. This just in case the reader doesn't see the peril. It also gives us some character development with Will. A man's man. very good. This is his mountain...and he will protect what's his.

The next paragraph regarding the mountain foliage beginning to thin is just excellent. Loved the loyalty to nature line specifically.

Nice touch...crow lighting on a branch too thin. The reader "sees" these things. But then, you know that...it's why you wrote it that way.

And then Bam! the body. Oh you know how to hook me!

This is top notch writing. In many places you almost paint the scene. It is also just wonderful storytelling. You led us like a horse by the reins with one mystery after another. The stampede. The mysterious interloper (more savvy than any old drifter or even poacher) all leading up to the big reveal. A dead girl. Murdered, likely. Otherwise, what would she be doing all alone in such a place?

But we'll have to find out...and so you hooked me.

Wonderful work. Very easily backed and I'll be back for more!

Eric

Part Western, part ghost story, part mystery thriller, totally convincing. Backed.

Dear BJ
oh what a beautiful book cover and goes so well with the title.
you short and long pitch just drew me in and it was not long before i was hooked onto the story. So totally original book so far ( thank Goodness). You paint with words, do you know that, and I have your characters in my head and they can stay a while but soon must go home. I do wish I had half your talent.
I dont know how I passed this by the time I came on site, but not this time. Please write more.
all the red arrows are pointing all the books down today, but I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

25 July 2010
Whisper Through The Aspens has been penned by a literary artisan with a sure, deft capable touch with the bricks of single words and the dexterous creativity to build them into the segments and passages of meaningful prose. There is little that can be offered in the way of constructive criticism from this reader. The plot is substantial enough to carry, the characters have form and the dialogue is convincing, which in turn adds to the credibility of the players. I've never been to Colorado but the descriptions of the locale, its vivid colouring, the ambience of scent and chilled air bring it all to life in this small room. Thanks. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Ok I read quite a bit this story and your use of language kept me holding on-I think you capture perfectly the essence of the town, the horses, the suspense, the gasp! moment and you do it through use of language-which reads as authentic and honest and vibrant (and that, to me, is the most important thing in a work of art: that surprising, almost jarring, turned phrase that make you feel like you were there)...that is present in your work from sentence one (perhaps the epigraph could be on a separate page...it is not as concrete as your prose) and it remains there the whole time. That really powerful and varied voice that both shows and tells (the cliche 'show don't tell'...is not always correct...just sounds good). There are a few things you could work on (we all can of course) like sometimes it seems as if you want to make sure the reader gets you and you sort of repeat yourself. I suggest you go through your ms. and cut a few lines...but that is a minor quibble, because I think you hit the target that you were/ are aiming for. Congratulations and thank you for posting your work so I could read it. Take it easy, Steven Rineer

I do appologise. I know I wrote down a comment for you and have slapped my wrist firmly for omitting to leave it. SO here it is. I loved the writing - which goes without saying - otherwise I wouldn't have backed it. But it was the atmopheric prose that hooked me. I could almost smell the place. Throughout the chapters I read was the gradual feeling that something disturbing was about to raise its head and this was enough to keep the reader hooked. WEll done. I wish you luck K.J.

You have a creative writing style that incorporates fine description of the natural world. For example, "macrame of mosses" is alliterative, creative, and descriptive all at the same time. Very nice writing!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

I was easily hooked from the start, your writing is beautiful I was drawn to your descriptive. First the surroundings then the horses coming in. I could hear the sounds and smell the scents. By chapter two we had a reason to read on as the suspense buit of the hunter and the dead girl then the horse. I would like to congratulate you. I dont care if you have typo's or grammar defects, I didnt see any i was linded by the colour of your writing. I am envious, this is excelent.

Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you can spare some time to read it

Hi again, me, the would be novelist. :-) I'm into chapter 5 - and I'm thinking, wow, THIS is a person who knows how to write a novel...different than me, as I'm a mere scriptwriter pretending to write a novel. Love the way you start by grabbing my attention at the synopsis, and won't let go as I dance through the pages. You paint a pretty cool journey. And I - not a critic - am having fun reading. Now, you have a critic/editor talent and eye, right? So remember that even though I have nothing negative to say about your work - again, I'm screenwriter, so what do I know about anything literary - please rip into mine with abandon. No, I'm not into whips and chains and pain, I am into cold blooded honesty. :-)

jim

This is lovely writing and some of the best natural dialogue I've seen. The pacing, the unfolding of the environment... beautifully gauged and crafted. Very impressive stuff.

I'm nitpicking now... and the reason I'm nitpicking is because the writing is so good. It jarred for me when I read "vibrant shades" and "patchwork of colors" because your writing is too good for such clichés and I suspect they've sneaked past your editorial eye. Similarly I passed by a few instances of unwitting repetition:

"The smell of the smoke was completely gone now..." is too closely followed by "He told himself that whoever it was, was long gone by now..." - reading through (preferably out loud) with careful eye will pick up these and eliminating repetition where it isn't serving a deliberate purpose will tighten the prose.

But really I am having to *seriously* nitpick - the better the writing the more these little things stand out as flaws and were I not to mention them, I'd have nothing to say other than pure gush for this writing..!

It's lovely, the premise is intriguing, the dialogue ought to be held up as an example to others on this site as to how it *should* be done... I'm very happy to support this work and wish you an ongoing upward rise.

Sandie

This is eerie right from the start, your cover with that misty wilderness, the haunting pitch, all sets the tone before we even turn the first page. You have clearly thought this story through and you build each level cleverly, tantalising the reader drip by drip. i can see this in my head and I'm a bit creeped out by this. anything that would hurt children is pure evil and immediately makes us want to join Will and stop whatever's out there and destroy it. Superb.

A deep and wonderful piece of writing. What else can be said about someone who shows the brilliant mastery of the craft. You have an authentic and mesmerizing quality to your voice. BAcked.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Hi BJ.

I appreciate your mind and your interest in promoting high quality books of literature. I agree with you when you emphasized the importance of good books in this site not just to get popularity or when someone messages or giving you "BACKED", you have to return the favor. This site is to cater literary writers and promote literature to our readers to give them sense of life and reality from our words and minds. I just feel happy to know that there are still noteworthy writers here aiming to get the feeling of contentment from reading.

I will spare time to read your books now.

Good luck to you and your book.

Fletch.

This is superb. I looked through it really thoroughly to try to find some kind of constructive comment to make. It's incredibly atmospheric - cinematic in its dynamic descriptive sections with the MC's pov effortlessly conveyed in the opening scenes.
I've shelved this and will read more.
I honestly can't find any nits to pick. Have you sent this out to enough agents?
Melanie Kendry The Boy Time Forgot

A very exciting beginning ... then Jenny Campbell, first dead, then briefly and much more interestingly, Jenny alive and talking to Will.
Excellent descriptions of horses and mountains, and ...

... the first chill from outside, in the form of Jenny's mother, the hard-hearted Joan Stewart. She shows no love for her daughter, only the pretence of caring laid over the greed of an opportunity to be grasped. "You will be hearing from my attorney".
I believe one of the most chilling aspects of modern US society for those of us outside it, is the blame culture, arm in arm with an attorney - nothing is ever a simple accident; somebody must be to blame, though legal damages do not heal emotional wounds. If someone, not having the benefit of hindsight-in-advance, makes a simple small mistake, that can be an excuse to ruin him financially.

The lengthy, aggressive and unpleasant legal questionning would have been wholly appropriate in a different kind of book, by Grisham perhaps, but here it seemed out of place - or simply went on too long. That's when I stopped reading every word, and started to jump, jump, jump towards the end of what has so far been uploaded.

I still found very moving scenes, like the one with the fawn, but I never felt sure quite what kind of a book I was reading. Parts of it I was enjoying very much, other parts I found frustrating and stressful - my stress on behalf of the characters.

I wonder if there are a number of competing genres in this book at present. Maybe the plots of two or three different novels, perhaps all equally good, but all trying to cempete for the same territory.
Roger Thurling

I think you have an excellent story here and I have backed it. I especially like the vivid, unhurried descriptions. The flaw I have found is that the time-line is sometimes confusing. Many Autho critics like to tell a writer never to use past perfect tense, but this has the drawback that there is no difference in things that have just happened, and something that happened four years ago. I was still reading quite thoroughly when I had to go back to check, having become confused. When a reader does this, it interrupts the flow of the story. Later the victim was alive again. I expect you stated that this was an incident that happened a few days before, but it was unclear to an inattentive reader and I was only skimming by then. I suggest a simple use of past perfect for those flashbacks. *A minor error, Ch 1, 'He raised up rifle,' probably should be 'raised his rifle' and something that was unclear to me, so probably will be unclear to others of your readers, 'broad heads.' I don't know what a broad head is.
You write very well, and you have a good book. (It also has a particularly attractive book-cover, which is what caught my attention to begin with.) Marj.

Your highly descxriptive writing style and unique storyline makes this finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. I especially like your use of foreshadowing in the openning chapters. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

A very well written piece. Very enjoyable. The writing draws vivid pictures in the mind of what is going on. On a personal note I saw a few places I felt a little wordy, but nothing that took away from the story. Well done.
Nick
Invasion From Within

P.S. If science fiction is to your liking would love to know what you think of my yarn. If you deem it worthy, would be appreciated. If it falls short in your eyes that too would be a pleasure to know. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, Just jot a quick line or two. Thanks.

I must confess to only reading 3 chapters(All that time will allow) but even after the first, I was was hooked, your writting seems to be very ' atmospheric' really draws the reader into the story painting the scene well.
I haven't read enough to appreciate the plot and how it develops but the intension is clear.
Your writing is beautiful and should be commended, regards Andy.W.

Dear B.J., I love literary fiction - it tells me what's happened in the past with a story that might have happened put in - probably a lot of this is fact - it makes me wonder. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Hi Barb, back with some comments on chs 2 and 3, picky as usual. ;)

ch2:
"stubbornly" - i wonder about the adv there; somehow - for me - it countered the nice aromas of the food
maybe avoid "arrival" and 'arrived" in same sent?
"pretentious silence" - "pretentious" gave me pause.

very enjoyable ch; i really like how you're unwinding the narrative thread.

ch3:
maybe avoid 2 usages of "expected" in 1 sent?
no more quibbles. ;)
excellent courtroom scene: drama, realistic dialog.

best wishes with this book, andy
ps: i hear echoes of Snow Falling on Cedars

Hi Barb,
i'm here to give a picky read, as promised. first of all, though, let me say that the opening is what i want at the outset: great pace, riveting action, strong descriptions.
on my shelf.
i don't think readers have to like ranching or horses to like ch 1.

here's a few minor quibbles. pls take with a grain; these are very minor. i only send them as they might strike a chord; i don't want to interfere with your excellent narrative voice.

"the horses came, one after another, surging out of the woods. and one after another, they turned ..." - maybe shorten these 2 sent, to keep the wonderful pace going? "the horses surged out of the woods. one after another, they ..."
"trying to count" - maybe insert comma after "count" or remove the comma after "rail" and insert one before "but"?
maybe delete "So early," and start that sent with "A thin shroud ..." we just read that it is dawn, so we know it is early ;) i do see that "So early" is a leitmotif of sorts, which is an idea i like. i'm just not sure about the phrase itself.
"Remembering that now, ..." then the next para opens with "The ridge was empty now,..." - maybe avoid two "nows" so close?
"steadfast loyalty to nature's dressing" - nice phrase, but seems a tad out of place

ok, enough picky stuff for now.
will be back for more. hell, you might say, thanks a ton. ;)

bottom line: this is a great tale, skillfully told.
best, andy

It's quite a skill to be able to write high drama straight through about three chapters, and that's what you've done here. Everything about this is polished and well done. It's a mystery, it's a thriller, and the characters and dialogue are thoroughly complete. I know I should feel sorry for the dead woman, but as an animal lover, I feel worse about the dead horse. Backed with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

WHISPERS THROUGH THE ASPENS:

Barb,

That's a beautiful title. And I knew I would love this as soon as I read your pitch, which pressed all the right buttons for me.

I see that you're a lover of The Horse Whisperer, as I am, and I think your novel emcompasses all the associated elements that made that book so endearing and so irresistible. In your case: the setting, the horses (yes, the horses), the mystery, the old gold mine, the characters - and above all the writing. It's the syntax that to me is the most stunning aspect of your writing. It is faultless, and because of that we get a kind of inner pleasure as the words melt like music to our ears.

I sometimes wonder how the British HC editors react to the Americanisms in so many of the good novels on this site. They always give me a slight jar, but in your case I was able to let them slide away - forgotten.

Backed with pleasure and admiration.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Barb. I`m not quite sure what qualifies a book to be Literary fiction, but if it is a way with words and the ability to use them in a beautiful and exciting way, then `Whispers Through The Aspens`certainly qualifies. I`ve read just enough of this to know that it must do well: it can`t do otherwise. I also have read a few of the previous comments, and really there`s not much I can add without being repetitious. I presume the rest of it is going to be uploaded?

Anyway, I`m backing this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horror/Thriller

Dear BJ Alexander,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter seven to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by a poignant moment when Will is trying to see the girl he once loved and married in the worn-out woman before him. Now they’re separated and forced to argue over the habits of raising their son. You drain all sympathy from her by making her smoke while pregnant, and I suspect she’s too hard on the son. Now the son is having problems in school. You could’ve handled these intense scenes a thousand different ways badly. Instead you pull it off with smooth dialog and characters that are trying their best to work through their human imperfections.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your long pitch end on an even stronger note by touching up the last paragraph. Overall, I like the pitch because you’ve stacked complication onto tension. Two things bothered me in your last paragraph. First, don’t say Will trusts Robyn, just say he’s forced to work with her. The trust, even if forced, decreases the tension. The Legend of Camden reference doesn’t quite hit the spot, since we haven’t been told what this is. You might wish to simply imply that it could be a ghost, or something of flesh and blood that’s causing the murder/abduction. I suppose you could introduce the legend in the last paragraph instead.

Pitch nits aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Loved it. Sorry for not adding anything of any use here but I cannot think of anything worthy. Good luck and keep going up. GG

Nice title, nice book cover, effective pitch. In every way you get the basics right. I think you craft dialogue especially tight and your descriptive prose has real quality. You tell a convincing story and your characters feel earthy and real.

There is no doubt in my mind that this book has scope to do well and make the grade. I have only been able to take in chapters 1,2 and 8. I do hope to be able to come back to your piece in due course and explore further.

Best Wishes

Alexander *The Wisdom Tree and the Dormouse*

Barb, this is special. I dipped into the beginning and that was that. The opening sequence is breath-taking and from there on the characters are real and believable and carry the story along almost as fast as those scared horses. Your writing is tight and compelling and the way you intersperse dialogue and narrative is poised and perfectly balanced and oh so skilfully maintains the pace without losing depth along the way. I am seriously in awe. I see you are still rising in the ranks and it is deserved on the quality of writing (not the capability to haggle swaps). You have to be 'discovered' well before you hit the desk. I will tapping a couple of newfound Authonomy friends to back your book. Seriously good luck. A.

Well written mystery, with terrific insight into the ranchers and their way of life.
Your writing, I felt, smoothed out a great deal after the first paragraph, which was a lot of "tell" instead of "show". I still found a lot of long sentences which, if separated, would make far better impact.
Those are minor thoughts, though, and I think this book deserves shelving.
backed
Genevieve
Under the Same Sky

Love colorful Colorado! I worked at a Colorado guest ranch for three summers, and you have described it well. Great sense of place and character steeped in mystery and intrigue. Looking forward to reading more.

HJ
The Pearl Edda

I was predisposed to like this, being a horse lover. That aspect certainly does not disappoint, nor do the other aspects of this book. Beautiful imagery draws the reader along effortlessly to a compelling push at the end of C1. C2 reveals your strengths with dialogue and pace. Excellent writing, good story. Backed with admiration.

Sharp confident writing, an intriguing story, excellent descriptions. Backed