Book Jacket

 

rank 176
word count 13117
date submitted 03.07.2009
date updated 09.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Comedy
classification: universal
incomplete

CUTHBERT: HOW MEAN IS MY VALLEY?

PATRICK BARRETT

Mandrake Hall has been flattened for re-development. No-one knows what is in store. What is the last thing the theatre obsessed Valley needs?

 

I AM MORE THAN HAPPY TO READ, COMMENT & STAR RATE ANYONE'S BOOK, BUT AS YOU ALL KNOW BACKINGS OF WORTHY BOOKS CANNOT HAPPEN REALLY QUICKLY UNDER THE NEW SYSTEM, SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. PATRICK IS STILL ILL, SO I (PAULA) HAVE TAKEN OVER FOR A WHILE.

Shakespeare's Cuthbert was the first book in the series, How Mean is My Valley? is the second. All the characters you have already met have formed unlikely alliances to combat the new threat... Who on earth is Aunt Liza?

The novel is complete and is part of several books in the Cuthbert series. The cover was designed by BRADLEY WIND.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

, comedy, cuthbert, fantasy, fiction, humour, satire, word play

on 184 watchlists

553 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

HOW MEAN IS MY VALLEY?

 

Chapter One

The valley usually awoke to the sound of a cock crowing, but if the crow couldn’t find him, the valley folk would hear his poor impersonation instead.

This particular morning, Percy was shaken awake as his shed vibrated around him.  He opened one eye to see a row of plant-pots dancing along his shelf and a large green leafy thing in a pot jitterbugging in the corner.  His ‘gardening trophies’ bought from charity shops and with the sporting bits snapped off, had formed an orderly queue at one end of the shelf and were jumping off in pairs like a parachuting display team.

    Percy, according to rumours he had spread himself, had been the gardener at Mandrake Hall.  The Hall was no longer in existence after a disastrous fire during one of the lapses of sanity which seemed to afflict the valley from time to time.

    Jamming on his hat, Percy swung out of his makeshift bed, slamming both feet hard against the cold floor. This was unheard of as Percy’s turned down wellies were always positioned precisely so that he could leave his shed in an emergency ready equipped for any amount of gardening crises.  Retrieving them from against the far wall, he synchronised his hopping with the plant in the corner and they fell out of the door together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
EMDelaney wrote 532 days ago

Absolute FIRST RATE literary entertainment of the highest order. A small 1% get E M Delaney's critiqueless WOW vote and you get it. Think I'm kidding, look at my bio page where you have been added to my 1% list. It is the permanent backing endorsement.



Christian Clavadetscher wrote 555 days ago

This is an extremely well-crafted, cleverly written work. I agree with everybody who has noted parallels with Tom Sharpe. This is so beyond anything I could possibly conjure up that I spent most of my time reading it in complete awe. You have quite a fine talent Patrick, and I well and truly wish you the best with this work and indeed the entire series. -cc

Carmen Glade wrote 577 days ago

What a great read! The tone is absolutely fabulous, humor that is cleverly slapstick. I particularly enjoyed "having tea with the leper's guild", learning to hide relatives before they begin to smell, people concerned about their quality of life and realizing that they never had any, the "reason" women wear square watches (I think I'm going to have to buy myself a square watch and use that one). Oh, and the line about the hobbit - I really almost fell off my chair! I have not laughed that hard in a LONG time. I had to go to the site you have listed and buy Shakespeare's Cuthbert, and I am thoroughly looking forward to reading it! I sincerely wish you the best - and you can add another name to the list of your fan club!

AntoniaMarlowe wrote 569 days ago

Comedy is so hard to write effectively - what is amusing to one person, may leave another indifferent. But you, Mr Barrett, have the genre nailed. As someone else remarked, very Tom Sharpe. I look forward to reading the lot.

And happy to swap to swap read, Paula. Hope Patrick is on the mend.

Antonia

Olga13 wrote 10 days ago

Funny, great tone of humour. well written and good formatting. I think Percy play his characters very well. Great of imagination. I am only at 7 chapter..I have scored you 6...
Will get back to you of what i think of the story...but so far i am very fascinated ...
Olga13

Olga13 wrote 40 days ago

your book is on my WL...sooner i am done reading it will get back to u for feedback and back up.. all the best. x

Melissa Writes wrote 42 days ago

This is really humourous and entertaining, and very well written. The similies and metaphors were very original and the dialogue is polished, I particually enjoyed the Hobbit conversation.
Well done!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Adeel wrote 88 days ago

A very nice reading which could be termed as highly remarkable and deserves 6 stars. Will put it on my book shelf soon.

sensual elle wrote 95 days ago

This is the mad sequel to the mad original Cuthbert I backed eons ago– well, almost 3 years ago. I'm happy to back this one and I hope you're doing well, Patrick.

AuroraNemesis wrote 129 days ago

Great use of images and symbols, these interest the reader and make them want to read more. A bit like a puzzle when you want to solve it.
An enchanting story that shows you are a great storyteller.
Has a humorous tone, which is easy and fluent.
Imaginative and fresh.
Kids will love it.
I am a big kid and I did.
Well done.

Missile Girl wrote 191 days ago

"Women wear square watches so that time can hide in the corners and then they can pretend they don't know where it's gone."

What a wonderful imagination you have, Patrick! I didn't know whether to laugh at that one or feel insulted!

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you (my parents are very infirm and require full-time care), but I am enjoying your book so much. Cuthbert carefully sewing bits of Farmer Griffin back together after his combine harvester accident was priceless!

I was so sorry to hear from Joe about your stroke. I do hope that you get better soon. My prayers go to both you and Paula.

Andi xxx

Jonie M. Julan wrote 200 days ago

Hello, Patrick. Just read your first two chapters. You wasted no time in bringing in the action, but have also not explained every single detail about why the hall and Percy's home is being threatened. This may serve to peak your reader's interest, and propel them forward to learn more. I was a bit confused with the first sentence, maybe due to some pronoun use. I also wonder if the sentence about the woman's blonde hair might be worded a bit different, to allow it to flow more smoothly. Thank you for posting your work and thank you again for your support. It is greatly appreciated.
Jonie

HannahWar wrote 285 days ago

Pat/Paula, crisp, fresh writing, not a word out of place. Very confident style. Love it. Starred and backed and good luck on the publishing route!!! Hannah

eddie mccann wrote 303 days ago

Dear Patrick / Paula,

Apart from the title echoing that of Richard Llewellyn's 'How green Was My Valley' I found you book extreemly entertaining and very well written. Wishing you the best of luck in the future.

Regards Eddie

apelle wrote 315 days ago

You are obviously a seasoned and passionate writer with good human insite and the ability to use fact / fiction crossover storylines.


It's good to see this new system works and the cream rises to the top. This is a very polished work. Deserves it's top spot! It's got it all.

Adina

monicque wrote 347 days ago

Hi Patrick! (Or Paula - I hope Patrick is better...) I am here to read Cuthbert... am wondering what a mean valley is!! Reading on....haha, this is fantastic entertainment. Great story. I love how they decided it was a hobbit (by the feet). Thank you very much for sharing - highly rated! :)

Helen Rose wrote 403 days ago

Wow, your book is really great. It's well written and extremely interesting. I'm so glad my friend David asked me to take a look at it.

Frank Sabetan wrote 407 days ago

Dear Patrick:
It is my pleasure to read your book. I really appreciate my friend--David recommend your book to me. I just start to read and I believe I will fall in love with your work. Good luck.

Scott S. wrote 410 days ago

My friend David keeps recommending me to read your book. Once I started to read your book, I got the reason why he did that. Thanks for your nice work.

Patrick Brockers wrote 412 days ago

Hi, Patrick:
Nice to read your book. I read David's Mankind's end last week and he recommended me your book. I think I will enjoy reading your book as well.

CMTStibbe wrote 414 days ago

How Mean Is My Valley? Percy, the gardener at the hall, has me hooked. His wellies, on the other hand, have him hooked. As goes base over apex down the hill, I have a visual in my mind that goes far beyond any other book I have read on this site. And I read loads! The dialogue is hysterical as poor Percy is classed as a Hobbit. Well, what could that be rolling so fast in a downward direction? Skillful descriptive prose such as ‘the crow somehow managed to shrug under its feathers..’ and ‘flailing like a semaphore tower in a gale..’ You can so easily ‘see’ each scene. But Percy doesn’t hang around. Even with change he is practical. What about a gardening position with Cash-Go? This book has so many hooks with each chapter; it’s hard to stop reading. But I must. Highly starred and highly recommended. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hero Xie wrote 415 days ago

I like you book very much! Thanks to my friends Gary Xie and David Welch' recommendation I got the chance to know you and your book! Keep going~ I will back up you~!

Gary Xie wrote 415 days ago

I've read the first three chapters of your book and found it quite interesting. I will read more later but have decided to back it and give it a good star rating. I'm glad my friend David Welch asked me to take a look.

the hermit wrote 424 days ago

Hi, it’s me again. I’ve got up to chapter 11 where I find a few things you should look at.
‘A chair scraped on the other side of the table….’ The rest of the sentence seemed a bit awkward. Try re-arranging the two sentences into one.
‘She was one of them sort of girls that was always whispering things to her mom’ needs a clearer explanation, and ‘Percy tipped his hat back and contributed,’ I would change the word contributed, it seems wrong.
Query: why was Percy in deep in a pool of self pity?
Percy’s relative must have been competing in an international bowls match and got a lift back to England on the Armada. You could say he missed the boat when the others came back. (I think it would work better)
Instead of having Percy’s relative shipwrecked it would be funnier if they found out what he had done and threw him overboard where he could be rescued by a famous Irish pirate (there was a woman who was the head of some Irish pirates around that time.) and just as he is about to start telling that story, Cuthbert goes for a new pint and leaves him to it.
all the best Geoff

the hermit wrote 427 days ago

A nice easy read which is good. It needs a few lines explaining that Cuthbert needed an assistant and that Percy has lost his hut so needs a job.
At the end of ch 4, I didn't know whether Cuthbert was laughing or annoyed.
In ch 5, I felt you could make show that she was getting the women on her side more elequently by belittling the men rather than attacking them and praising the women for their hard work.
In ch 6, you could explain that the villagers didn't know that Cuthbert was their landlord and are upset and now think he is responcible for the termoil. or that he didn't know that he owned so much and is upset that no one in the village likes him any more.
ch 7 after teklon wellies... put somthing in to show cuthberts disgust at Percy's provarication eg. "What happened to all your leagal arguments? Teflon wellies, really!
I'v only got to ch 8 for now and am loving it. if you dont want any more comments, let me know. I hope you don't mind the suggestions but I only do it for books I really like in the hope of improving them
best wishes Geoff.
you can rip my book apart if you like but do it honestly. ta.

Philip Churchman wrote 461 days ago

The unique title drew me in - I've just read the first 3 chapters and love it! The tone of the writing and in particular the kind-hearted and uncynical comedy sets this apart. On my WL and 6 starred - hope to come back for more soon. Best of Luck, Philip

cheimpo17 wrote 464 days ago

Sorry I took so long to reply back. Real life caught up to me. Anyway, since I took so long, I actually read all of what is posted and enjoyed what you've written. Best of luck to this.

cheimpo17 wrote 464 days ago

Sorry I took so long to reply back. Real life caught up to me. Anyway, since I took so long, I actually read all of what is posted and enjoyed what you've written. Best of luck to this.

Nigel Fields wrote 475 days ago

Such agreement all round says it. I regret not coming upon your work sooner. Good entertainment value along with enrichment. Starred and WL'd.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

tomewriter wrote 479 days ago

Hello Patrick/Paula,
I am so enjoying reading your book. I did find something that didn't seem to fit together. Here in chapter four, it starts out with Percy coming back to Cuthberts, and Cuthbert thinking he should make up the extra bed for him, but nothing is finalized. Then explanations about different town folk, then your tell us Cuthbert is the local undertaker and then tell us that Percy had moved in with him and become his assistant. Instead of separating he relevant material, try keeping it together, before moving on. An example would be: everything about Percy, then everything about the towns people, ending with everything about Cuthbert. When it's scattered, it scatters the reader.

Sorry to hear about your illness and I do hope you're feeling better soon. I've only gotten to chapter four on your second volume about the valley, but in my mind I see it in print and readers from all over the world collecting the set of Cuthbert stories.

I will star and add to my book shelf. Best wishes.
Janell (tomewriter)
Speed Trap
PS Patrick/Paula, if you get a chance please take a look at my book and let me know what you think. I'd love a critique if it's not to hard on you. Thanks.

S-M wrote 489 days ago

I agree with everyone who agrees with everyone else's comments. *grins* Takes me back to 'back in the day' though nowadays it's much harder to get a 'gong' (not a euphemism). I admire writers who can fashion humour - one day I shall have a bash. GL. Stef

dloganw wrote 501 days ago

I agree with earlier comments: This is extremely well written and very clever.

Kaimaparamban wrote 501 days ago

I wish you belated New Year wishes. I have **** rated your book.

Best regards
Joy

mscynthia wrote 504 days ago

Hi Patrick,

The Cuthbert series has a loveable aura surrounding its characters. They are all very easy and fun to read about. After Percy lost his hat to the bulldozers in the second chaper, it was fun to watch him try to explain the whole situation to Cuthbert.

The construction site femme fatale lady in the second chapter was also fun to read about as she tried to explain the construction upheaval to Percy.

Perhaps he will get a gardening job at the newly constructed site after all. I enjoyed reading part of your first book and scoured through chapter 3 of this one -- very fun read. Backed.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

Linda Brendle wrote 507 days ago

Hi Patrick and Paula,

I just read the first 3 chapters, and I can see why your Cuthbert books have been such a success. I'm putting you on my watchlist for more reading as time permits and also in anticipation of an opening on my bookshelf.

Paula, as you have time, you might enjoy a chapter or two of my book. It's about some of my adventures as a caregiver for my parents. I'm sure caring for Patrick during his illness is different in a lot of respects, but some aspects of caregiving are universal.

Best of luck as you continue with the Cuthbert series, and Patrick, I hope you get better soon.

Blessings,
Linda Brendle
A Long and Winding Road, RVing with Mom and Dad

StarSeeker wrote 509 days ago

A truly delightful and fun story. Very happy to give this a spin on my shelf!
Sue

Christopher Roy Denton wrote 527 days ago

Hi Patrick & Paula!

I enjoyed the character of Cuthbert in your previous book, so was happy to reacquaint myself with him today.

Your writing style is really unique and a pleasure to read. The characters are humorous and you place them in interesting situations. The plot and main conflict is clear within the first few chapters.

I had a few concerns. The first was that the chapters seem very, very short. However, the pace and flow are good, so maybe it isn’t an issue. My other concerns were as follows:

In chapter two, Percy enters the office and talks with the blonde woman. He is clearly inside the portacabin at this stage. Then, towards the end of the chapter, she shuts the door on him and he’s outside. At no point during the chapter does he move from inside to outside, so how did that happen?

In chapter four, when you wrote, ‘affectionately known as Arkle due to a family resemblance to the famous racehorse,’ did you mean, ‘affectionately known to family members as Arkle due to his resemblance to the famous racehorse?’

In chapter six, I wasn’t convinced by Percy’s sudden character change, when he begins to sound like a barrister. I suspect most won’t get the creosote joke because they won’t know about the historical person of Croesus, but I found it funny.

Again, this is an enjoyable read and I wish you all the best with it. It’s on my shelf.

All the best,
Chris :-)

Old Bob wrote 531 days ago

Patrick, it's such a pleasure to take a break from the stuff I'm reading and read something totally entertaining. What an imagination. Just a word of caution from my perspective - try not to get too slapstick. Otherwise, first rate. I'm waiting for a space on my shelf to move you back.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

EMDelaney wrote 532 days ago

Absolute FIRST RATE literary entertainment of the highest order. A small 1% get E M Delaney's critiqueless WOW vote and you get it. Think I'm kidding, look at my bio page where you have been added to my 1% list. It is the permanent backing endorsement.



Richard Allen wrote 533 days ago

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this novel sometime ago but thought it would be nice to revisit and see how Percy is doing. As many readers have noticed, this work is very cleverly crafted, enhanced by some high quality writing and, of course, there is the humor.

The writer is clearly gifted and we can only hope will continue to produce such fine entertainment in the years to come.

CherryOnTop wrote 536 days ago

Patrick, not only are you a top spotter but also a top writer. I love comedic writing and I laughed with awe at your book. I would love to write as well as you do.... I gave you a top star rating and your book is, of course, on my wishlist.

CherryOnTop

Karen Carr wrote 539 days ago


There are so many clever phrases in this, it would take all day to mention. Some of my favorites, "a rumor he spread himself" and "he synchronized his hopping with the plant in the corner and they fell out the door together." It's been a while since I've read a Cuthbert adventure, and while the humor has always been there, this one seems to flow much smoother into an enjoyable story. Your attention to detail is great and you really set the mood. If I could offer one suggestion, it would be to make the chapters a little longer, they are a bit short.
ttl
KFran

Paddles up wrote 539 days ago

Great read. I love the deadpan humour of Cuthbert. Quite comical, and yes, similar in style to Tom Sharpe or Terry Pratchett. Needs proofreading though (Ch. 4, para 4, for example) so that the reader isn't distracted by the small stuff.

Anna Rossi wrote 539 days ago

I loved Shakespeare's Cuthbert and this promises to be just as funny and well-written. It had me laughing from the moment Percy put his wellie on backwards. He is a delightful character who is hilarious without being at all contrived. Every chapter grows in humour and plot development and is a pleasure to read. Skilful and original, I wish I could back it. But, under the new system, I can't - yet. In the meantime, I'm giving it six stars and my very best wishes. May it sail to the bookshops.

Old Bob wrote 544 days ago

Hi Patrick. I'm Old Bob and I'm new. I picked CUTHBERT for a couple of reasons: it's #26 which is pretty high up when you consider mine (A PLACE IN LIFE) is 3760; and I wanted to see how somebody who is a top spotter writes. Granted, i only read the first chapter, and it was short, but it sounds like fun.

I'm going to put it on my watch list and hope that you finish a few more chapters by the time I get to read it. If you have a chance, I'd appreciate you taking a glance at my story - A PLACE IN LIFE - and just give me your first impression. I think your experience could help me a lot.

Thanks for your time. I'll talk to you soon as I read a little more of CUTHBERT.

Best regards,

Old Bob

whostercogburn wrote 546 days ago

Lovely writing. Funny, incisive, spoken with a fresh voice, and very readable.

Very impressive and intruding. I love to read it completly. All the best.
Backed with wishes.
S.vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril

Peter Wild wrote 547 days ago

Only two things in life really trouble me. One is why it is that, when I apply shaving cream to my chin and cheeks in the morning, by the time I've finished shaving it is necessary to use a finger buried in a towel to remove quantities of shaving foam from deep within my ears. How did it get there? I'm sorry, but I don't understand.
Similarly, how is that Patrick's 'Cuthbert' (and its Shakespearian predecessor) remain unpublished? I thought Authonomy was meant to be the gateway - or at least A gateway - to becoming published? So why, after 15 months, is he still here and not in my local bookshop?
I'm sorry, but I don't understand.
Never mind the quality; feel the principle. Six stars.

stoatsnest wrote 548 days ago

Lovely unconventional humour. This is a charming venture into surreal country. Five stars.

andrew skaife wrote 548 days ago

I remember reading and really enjoying this the first time around and I have come back to give it maximum stars. Clever and apposite in all areas and a fantastic read.

I will be popping it back on my shelf for a while too.

Excellent.

fody wrote 549 days ago

P&P, I read three chapters, and it was great fun! I did stumble on a bit of the language, but not unmanageable. It all happens so fast that I got disconnected a couple of times and had to go back, but I think I was just getting used to the style. You might need to do one of those painstaking, line-by-line edits, but what you have to say is so important you don't want to send it out as less than what it could be. I loved it, especially the perfect mud-mold of Percy's nose falling off, and the stance of a bull. Only book I'm sampling tonight...it would be hard to be fair to the next guy after reading this gem! :) high stars.
Forrest -- Council of the Ark

oh, p.s. if you are interested in specific suggestions please write.

The Nomad wrote 551 days ago

I'm at a slight disadvantage here, I suspect, because I have not read the first one. That aside, this was a humourous and easy read (and slightly surreal, too, especially the part about Nelson and Trafalgar). From what I've read, I will happliy back this.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

deekays wrote 551 days ago

Your writing is well advanced! I could do with your satirical abilities! Would you kindly comment on the Pure Abscess?

gotiko wrote 552 days ago

I have really enjoyed this story, and wish my friend, Percy, all the best.

Backed with pleasure.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)