Garden of Souls

GARDEN OF SOULS / Karilyn Wright

This is a very good story, filled with engaging characters, brought to life by a talented writer who obviously has a great love of the pen. I got the impression the author was very creative and no doubt enjoying writing the parts I read.

The MS is a bit narrative-heavy at some points. To me it is. This may be because there were so many times when paragraphs would start with dialogue but have heavy chunks of narrative attached at the end. Would it not be better to start new paras with that. Quite often is this method utilized here. (please excuse my question here)

The writing is fabulous. Very crafty pinnacle to this tale. Chapters are left at very good points, and the FP doesn't consist of a constant I I I I I I (I's) all the time. So many do you know. I use this to judge sometimes how well a FP narrative is portrayed by how well the author can avoid the use of I constantly.

A habit we all have, is a tendency to overuse adjectives and adverbs. I do it constantly and when I go back and re-read, I get aggravated with myself at having done so. It tends to rob the reader's ability to use their imagine and slows pace I think. Let me give you an example from one of your paragraphs:]

In a frantic attempt to find a more innocent explanation, I listed the suspect details in my mind.
(From the part in Ch3 where MC is examining the 'rape' ideaology)

In an attempt to find an explanation, my mind began to re-visit the details.
(eliminates 'frantic' 'more innocent' 'suspect')

At the beginning of CH3. In narrative you describe what 'he' was thinking. (Whatever research he had done etc,,etc,..) Go back to first paragraph. The character assumes this(?) If you brought it out in dialogue, your reader would 'hear' it. Hence, the old addage, 'show' don't tell. The way it reads, your MC is reading 'his' mind.

I chose this chapter to comment on because it is one of the most compelling I've seen on this site. I could literally feel her plight as she struggled with the isolation of being locked in the room.

The plot is great. Overall, I did think the sentences were a bit 'heavy' at times but even though, the writing was such that I never felt bumpy, I just adjusted myself to it and read on. We all have our own style and I have found it makes me nervous to be critical of someone elses in this regard. You are a far better than I am I assure you.

I would mention also, a remark Roger made below about field-trip. Think about that. I won;t go all into that.

Essentially, this is good writing, concerning a deep subject that makes the reader think hard. I liked it. You are a very good writer and I wish you the best with this story as with any of your future writing.

it reminds me of the little henry james i have read, i like it, i will back it, i read it too quickly so i can't put it all together, but there is a young woman at a time needing to break away from her family, full of romantic notions, yet fearful of the world around her, her sexuality and the sexuality of others, what is real what is not, truly she lives inside herself and finds her prison and her escape there, obviously the maze she wanders or is guided through has a parallel to her inner self, interesting there is a key, a way out, an escape, full of a lot symbolism, learning, a mountain to climb again, a rose, lots of stuff, yes the sentences are heavy and overly descriptive but it is her state of mind/emotion/libido, i hope i am close, if you get a chance look at one of my pieces "ghost dance" or "crow diary"

A story well-conceived and -executed. The style is simple and literate - one that locates its eloquence in the tale and not in thesauric efforts to show off verbal legerdemain.

What I would do now, if I were the author, would be to expand it into something more novel-length; certainly there is enough potential in doing so: More could be traced out regarding the schism of the three sects and the repercussions thereof, tying in the discovery of the journal in the old library. More could be given about how and why the narrator was so easily separated from her people, her efforts in later years to make contact with them, her finding what she so often spoke of to the priest, what her Call actually was, her inchoate feelings on the priest's behavior. More could be done with the "child of her sister" mentioned for the first time at the end, explaining why it is that she confides this story in that person, giving some backstory about her - how is it that the child of her sister becomes her student when she, our narrator, has separated from her people and presumably her niece has not - and perhaps tying the niece in to the larger storylines of the schism and the odd priest. You have a wealth of unanswered questions here worth exploring in a fuller and hence more satisfying manuscript.

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

Wow, I did not see that ending coming, I love the way you end the tale letting the readers ponder the real identity of the priest, this is very original and I give it six stars, I will also back this book when I have room on my shelf.
-Charmain

High on sense perceptions What IS a religious field-trip. I didn’t get it from the pitch. And how does it relate to ‘pre-industrial’. It attempts too much descriptive poetry. ‘brown boulders strewn across the hillside became galleys on a flowered sea.’ is metaphorically confusing.
Similarly I was confused by ‘so though the sky was clear, the memory becomes smoothed with a pleasant mist.’ Eh?
You just cannot ‘tune’ somebody out in a pre-industrial setting. Ouch! Anachronism.

Too many unnecessary words. Eg: ‘I opened my saddle roll and pulled out a nightshift, but I realised I was not ready to sleep.’ One ‘I’ too many. And:
‘…as I had seen the priestesses do, and so I did not see the priest until he was a mere…’ should be: ‘priestesses do, so did not see the priest…’
‘archaeologists’ did not exist in the pre-industrial past.
..’he locks me in again???’ multiple question marks, no, I don’t think so.

The first part, before 3, feels too ‘constructed’ to me. Your flow improves greatly after that

A wonderful storyline outlined in the long pitch might be linked closer with the short pitch by deletion of "Betrayed' and insertion of "Deserted." The "betrayed" is too broad in terms of meaning when the objective of the pitch is to entice a reader to turn some pages. The descriptive "scene setting" in the beginning of the work with the green grass etc. and the sea needs to be preceded with some tight action. For example, one might consider reordering two sentences within the text. Start the chapter with, "I didn't mean to startle you. May I sit down?" A soft clack drew me back to the real world." Follow with the scene setting but perhaps not so much of it. The work seems perfect for the YA market. On my WL. Chuck

Dear Karilyn, I loved the creation of your main character, [It made me want to experience her toil], as I tried to imagine, [as a man], what It must have felt like to be abandoned. I am far from any critic, but I love to read, and the era you allowed me to escape to, [up to chapter four and still reading]. I have added you to my watch list, [and with the new rules], I will be backing you with pleasure, as soon as a spot on my top 5 becomes available. Good luck for the future. Take care, until we meet again. Cicuta, [Carl, Arcane].

You say: 'In a pre-industrial world', but look again at the beginning - it seems to me that these are anachronistically late twentieth century minds unhappily dropped into a much earlier setting. Not only the surroundings and the things in their lives, but the people themselves need to be appropriate to their intended setting. People thought differently then, but I felt from the outset that your main character did not - she thought as a modern woman would. A 'field-trip' and the horse being 'not impressed' also use the language of now or only yesterday, not of 'long ago'.
RT

Garden of souls
The pitch is interesting, the opening is good
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

A well woven, brilliantly detailed saga. Clearly delineated characters. Rich descriptions. Lively dialogue. Great tension. Haunting storyline. Eloquent writing. An intense read. Backed.

Hi Karilyn,
I noticed your comment on another book and would appreciate your review of my book "Wolf's paw". I have "Garden of Souls" on my watchlist and will comment once I have read it with the attention it deserves.
Cheers,
Tristan

I fear I do not know about poppets. Is that a small doll or something? Wow. The story takes a turn in chapter three. I thought the priest was nice, until then. In chapter four, you give up too easily, I think. To be trapped inside a dark room for an hour would be pretty scary. If it were me, I’d want to retreat back to the others, instead of continuing on with him. Especially since the path back was not known and I was lost in the dark halls. Perhaps, after an understanding of how to get back, maybe then I would continue on with him. What an intriguing tale you weave! Onward, then, to the library.
When you enter into the room where he first found mention of the library, and he unlocked the door (an alarm bell, maybe?) I’d mention her seeing the bed and have her draw back, afraid of what he might have in store for her. After all, she is apprehensive at this point and she should be cautious of this stranger who had locked her in a room not long ago. Just a thought. Wow, again. The end of chapter four is such a great hook. How can a reader not continue after that?
This is very well written. I cannot think of any nits to pic, for it is very polished. My only complaint would be it’s too short, I want to read more. Bravo! You have a soothing voice, a peaceful style, and a surprising ending. I’ll gladly put this on my shelf for you. Dave

A haunting story. I feel more is going on here than simply telling tale.
Backed,
Barbara

You have crafted a most compelling and interesting storyline. I do like your choice to use the first person narrative voice as this allows you to explore your MC's thoughts, emmotions and observations. Your use of imagery is excellent and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing style ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Great storyline. Gotta get some rest but I am backing this now--will leave you more comments tomorrow.
beegirl

nice premise and pitch. written well.
j

Hi Karilyn this is nicely written and very sensitively portrayed with some very lyrical lines and wistful descriptions.


bEST wISHES

Richard

Garden of Souls
Karilyn Wright

To me this is an artful, creative plot. The first thought that occurred to me when I read your pitches was that this seems like a thought-provoking, meaningful, AND therefore, non-commercial story, especially for a target YA audience living in today's fast-paced techonological world, lazy to read, and lazy to think, especially regarding engagement in human interest themes - they seem to prefer witches' brew and vampires' blood. Maybe you'll be lucky, as you deserve to be with a plot and writing like this, and become a huge success despite the odds. I think you should get rid of the YA label - perhaps you think it ostensibly YA because of the age of your MC? Alice in Wonderlan was considered such as well - but it was way beyond too, wasn't it? being as it were a horrific trip into the subsconscious. Your story is well beyond YA... "I stood in shadow. Words brushed passed my ears unheeded, as every sense focussed on a single point..." You have good potential as a writer. This needs a slight edit in places. "I swallowed my self and stepped into the crowd..." - did your narrator swallow herself?? Odd phrasing that.
Good luck.

Garden of Souls is a beautiful novel, written with such eloquence. I am backing this novel because I believe it has great potential. All the best of luck.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

You are very talented. The book flows nicely and well constructed.
Keith

A mesmersing read that hooked me from the first word. C W

A mesmersing read that hooked me from the first word. C W

Hi Karilyn: Very unusual story and your writing is compelling. Makes me want to know what happens to the girl and the priest and your power of description is excellent. Best of luck. Would appreciate a comment on mine if you haven't already done so. Jayne

Dear Karilyn, I love your story - you can never go back - it's never the same - but memories last forever is the message I got from it. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Very poetic and beautifully written. Your writing grasped my attention and so would others. Your style is eloquent and stumulating.

backed for sure

This is quite beautiful, you write with style warmth and love and it comes through in waves to the reader. Mezmerising

Sue
Kmowing Liam Riley

Backed with pleasure, I loved it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

ooh, 'Fire in my memory'. I knew I was onto something special when I read that opening line. And I was right. This is quality YA fiction with a very important message. The poem at the starts is quite beautiful, and your prose is accessible yet lyrical (but never pretentious). You use first person quite expertly and I am struggling to find any faults with this. So I won't look any more.
Backed with pleasure
Carl
the Time Hunters

Being left behind - how sad and scary! Your writing is complex and lyrical - very nice job. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

it was a good idea starting this with a poem. what follows is both descriptive and intence. the is very good work...on my watchlist, sure to back...
su dan...read;SEASONS

Saw this and came back to read more.

First thing I noticed was your style of writing, it has a flow and purpose perfect for the book. I also liked how you engaged senses in the narrative, although I can’t help thinking the sound description of the sea might just help the atmosphere build. I think this is a great read, engaging, good characterisation and I brilliant storyline.

Beautifully written. Memorable.
'He stood up and helped me to my feet carefully, as if I were a construct of wind and leaves'.

Backed wish best wishes, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Karilyn,

I love finding something different and out of the ordinary on authonomy. This is a wonderfully flowing piece, and the writer is carried along and absorbed in the melancholy tones.

Truly beautiful, and backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx
Relic

This is very lyrical and thoughtfully written, I think the cover doesn't do your book justice, though. Still, backed, as I wish you best of luck with this.

E.

Karilyn, your first chapter is an enjoyable read. I like the creative, poetic way with which you open that chapter. Nothing to nitpick in that section.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a good story. Because you tell it in first person, a reader really feels as if they're inside your character. A strength of the story is your writing style. It's smooth and flowing so keeps things moving. Makes this a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Very interesting and unique. I love your writing style, it flows and is easy to read. You've got some beautiful descriptions and convey the emotion well. You paint a haunting picture and it really drew me in.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Not really my genre, but this is nicely written with good scene descriptions and dialogue. Backed with pleasure. Colin

I won't comment on the premise as it isn't something I would ordinarily read. I'll leave that to those who can get absorbed by it. The book is written with an interesting style that feels like a cross between literary fiction and a period work. The narrative flows with solid sentence structure that lends itself to easy reading, not from simplicity, but from imaginative descriptions and a refreshing economy of adverbs. The emotional pitch is poignant without being oppressive. I'm sure the people who find it fascinating will be wholly captivated by it.
Best wishes for a speedy publication.
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

The writing is beautiful and very descriptive. I can see each setting in my mind. Smell the air. This isn't really something I would normally read, but it's very well done and kept my eyes moving on down the 'page'.

Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

This is hugely poetic writing - not just because it starts with a poem but generally. Is it really YA? It doesn't read that way to me, I must be honest. It has the feel of allegory, of a dream - it's a strange, almost hallucinogenic world. Who is this girl? Who are the people who left her? Nobody really seems to care, which adds to the otherwordly feel.
I'll be honest, I don't care for the poem at the beginning. There is a fair bit of overwriting and repetition that could be worked on and times when I felt I wanted you to show us how the characters felt, rather than tell us how they feel.
That sounds like a lot of negatives but I actually like this. I just don't think it's YA - teenagers ARE dreamy creatures but they also tend to like things a little clearer and more upfront. This feels more in the vein of spiritual fiction to me - and there's a large market for that - witness The Shed and Paolo Coelho's work. I'd like to read more of tis, always a strong recommendation. It needs to find its 'place' but the quality is there and it's that little bit different which is always good to see.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.
I'm happy to give it my backing.

Backed January 22.

Jesse - Savant

A wonderful constructed story.

Nice flow and very easy to read and enjoy.

Melxx
UNICORN

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.

There you are.

BACKED

Hope you reciprocate.

If you end up leaving a comment that adds value to Dream Diamond, I will return to your book and give it a thorough read and comment.

Karilyn, you paint a lonely picture in the first chapter and the priest fits in perfectly. I imagine the girl is young, although you do not tell us her age. And, the priest sounds like he is middle aged. I like how you go through the abbey and meet the priest, search for the lost library. Very well done, indeed. This is how I imagine a young, lonely girl would meet someone to trust, to grow intimate with, to love. I’ve backed this for you and hope you find the publisher this deserves. Dave

Backed and commented 39 days ago, and came back for more. I was trying to think who it reminded me of... then I realised it was Paulo Coelho... it pays re-reading.
Frank

Hi Karilyn

Garden of Souls - a young woman who may want to lose herself in search for her Self. Lonely, she yearns for home, and then meets the mysterious other as in a dream - and he is not entirely trustworthy. Her inner thoughts balance her responses to situation, which creates a wonderful haunting atmosphere - her need for boundaries ... bothersome sympathy ... and for intimacy, the fear and joy of it. Themes unfold as in a dream, the soul-talk in a hidden garden, the dark labyrinth beneath the abbey, the rose, also a symbol for wholeness. Then he says ... 'stay here for a while'...
It reads as short story, but could also be the mid-theme for a longer novel - that is to say you could stay with your fascinating character for a while longer. I enjoyed the read. Best success.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

How very real and terribly sad...
Remember me for nobody else will.
Beautifully told, expertly constructed, moving ending.
Congratulations.............................Mikell.................the Free

This reads like a dreamscape... vivid and colourful... the robed figure who sits beside her may be her own inner wisdom, her guide. Entrancing.
Frank

This is a particularly beautiful book. I love the opening poem, expanded in the first paragraphs of prose. You have a lovely story here, and I think you write extremely well. Some of your phrases, such as 'I could taste the light on my lips,' and 'Reality was in these stones,' are poetry themselves. Your two main characters, the girl and the priest, come to life easily, and we feel we know so much about them so quickly. The pain of the girl's situation, the lack of love in her life, is beautifully told. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.