Cancerville

I hope you get this review as it looks as though there hasn't been any activity on this site for quite some time. Cancer is a very emotive subject but I like the way you have handled it. When Bryce and Ashley find out the link that the cancer people are suffering and have died of may not be due to natural causes it takes the story from a highly emotional bittersweet rollercoaster ride to another more calculated level and the anger and grief they experience at having lost a wonderful mother and friend is turned into a quest to find out the truth. You have successfully tapped into the fear that we all have that the very food we eat, air we breathe and water we drink could be killing us. I hope you haven't given up on this book because it has great potential.

Kim (Pain)

Hi EJ,

This is a bold, gripping piece. The emotions are raw, the characters are real, and the story pulls you right in. I think it was a smart choice to write it present tense. I noticed some small nitpicks (like, in the pitch, it should say 'struggles to find his daughter'), so I would go through the MS very carefully and pick out all the tiny errors because this book is way too good to get passed over because of a few nitpicks!!! I wish I could read all of it right now, but I have to tear myself away and get back to writing!! On my shelf,

Rachael (Swimming in Fountains)

I'm on a red arrow hunt, all the books I liked or loved. I don't like to see them falling. If you haven't read Cancerville you should.

This is a fascinating read with a great storyline. The presentation of the material is very creative - a novelist telling a story through the eyes of a woman who wants to write about an unforgivable sin. The corporate kind has no visible conscience. There is only money and power. I only realized how close this story is to the author when reading the pitch. As always, quality writing and very real characters, too real some would say. I am still reading this compelling work and wanted to provide my initial comments before I forget. I am eight hours behind Authonomy and often miss the days cutoff, whenever that is.

Shelved July 28 or the 29th - with pleasure.

Up on the shelf
Fantastic story.
I just hope you´re okay and NOT suffering.
Suggestions.
Could be hard to get up charts with TWO books...
Though that may not be your aim.
Enjoying it all............CREEPY
Lots of luck with this one as well!
cheers....................Mikey

Hi EJ

Back for more of your book!

Loved the way that you have the MC 'do their research' in the library to only find that the missing people were employed by Stelvex....also you continue the suspense by refering to the position of the obituaries in the newspapers...not the front...as you would expect with local news, but hidden...as if trying to hide something deeper.

Continuing on with your brilliant story.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

This is a realy well rounded book. great story line, easly believable in todays world, and well written. I think this is a winner. backed with pleasure.

Moving, sorrowful, well written and etched on the reader like acid on glass.

I like it.
Shelved!
V
Hawaiian Orchid

Hi,
This is extremely well written.
Death by cancer is an interesting way to start a thriller. It is so often the way that things become uncovered when someone is angry enough to start digging. I thought that was very believable element of the storyline.

I didn't spot any obvious technical errors.

Excellent book. I wish you the best of look with it

John

This is very moving. You've done a good job in showing varying degrees and reasons for grief.

Excellent title.

Only one suggestion. Italics are more difficult to read on screen, and I've read they are frowed upon by agents. Not sure if this is true. If it is you could use a different font for Ashely's writings.

This is going on my shelf now.

Peter.

Your pitch dragged me in. The subject matter is compelling. On my Watch List.

Peter.

Cancerville...

Okay, I really didn't need to review this one because we've already backed each other (your other novel, you prolific one), but I wanted to because of the title and pitch. And, you haven't disappointed me at all.

Great narrative drive in your partial even though you give the reader a lot of information. This could be a really important novel and I like that. Scary, important, and real. I have a friend who lived over a toxic waste site for ten years...with many health problems as a result.

Only one suggestion, and that is to concentrate a little more on subtlety. For example, at the end of c.3 you have the phrase "being replaced with rage." Words of emotion tend to tell rather than show. I'd be inclined to end this chapter with "as each day passes" and then later on show us his rage by what he does.

Congratulations for having the courage to confront this issue in novel form.

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Hi EJ

Got your book based on Phil Rowan's recommendation. He backed my book so the guy has taste ;)

Reading this brought back memories for me...as my family battled after my father's death (allegedly of botched medical techniques)...so i was able to identify with Ashley's frustration.

On my shelf.

Much appreciated

ED Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

EF,
What a compelling premise for a story and it is very well written. You could not have chosen a better title, both striking and descriptive. Given the fact of your personal experience, I am in awe of your courage to continue working on this project. I wish you great success. Best, Molly

EF,

This was recommended to me by Phil (Weimar Vibes) and endorsed by Shubes, two people whose opinions I trust, and of course I enjoyed The Beautiful People, so I thought I'd check this one out.

You have an intriguing premise here, I'm expecting something that's Erin Brockovich meets meets John Grisham, the Pelican Brief in particular: There has to be a role for Julia Roberts in the movie.

The prologue is simple, striking and serves to introduce the characters of Ashley and Bryce, and, through the final paragraph to establish the first hint of tension. My only observation is that, with each pargraph coming from a different viewpoint you might consider double carraige returns between them (I'd remove the indents too). That's a matter of taste though.

Then chapter one opens, and for a writer there's action and tension here: We've all done that, written and rewritten those lines. I think too, there's action here for a reader, the device of the book within the book is clever.

This opening scene works well, but for me, I was right with Ashley when she wrote, but then when she left the office, I felt more distant. I feel you'd keep me closer to her viewpoint if from here on in you refered to her in third person as much as possible, and avoid too much authorial narration. That sounds liked gobbledy-gook. One example, to try and illustrate what I mean. You have:

The quiet sanctuary of the home office is forgotten the second Ashley steps into the hall. . .

Consider:

The second she steps into the hall . . .

For me, this puts the reader closer to Ashley. The following sentence establishes the loss of quiet, without explanation being required.

Sorry, I have a tendency to make suggestions like this: I'm no expert, ignore anything that doesn't work for you.

We move to asction titled "Bryce" though it continues to be delivered from Ashley's viewpoint for the first few paragraphs (and, as a minor point, I'd like to see the subtitle text in some way differentiated from the body text). In the end just a single paragraph comes from Bryce's PoV and I wonder if the subtitle is even required.

Then Ashley gets lost in her writing, something else I'm sure all writers will identify with.

In the last but one paragraph of the chapter you twice use "loaded question", apart from the repitition, I don't think you need to do this: The reader will realise these are loaded questions. I'd open that paragraph:

Then Bryce breaks his silence: "If environmental contamination is causing cance . . ."

You certainly end the chapter on a note that encourage a reader to turn the page.

In to chapter two and I like the way that Jeff is drawn into this now; and the application of his skill set to the problem. Though, realistically I feel, he remains detached enough to grab her ass whilst discussing a possible major Government conspiracy. Nothing like getting your priorities right!

You provide a lot of information in the latter part of this chapter, but it's fascinating and you work it seemlessly into the story, so my attention was never lost.

The short third chapter carries on the investigation, but gives us the first hint--since the prologue--of there being something more to this than chance: The Mayor's actions give a hint of, not quite danger, but tension, conflict.

This is a fascinating premise, and the story, thus far, is well structured and executed (I wonder why you've chosen present tense for this, but you do it well), there's fascinating information sprinkled through the narrative, in an almost Michael Crichton manner.

This is very well done, and I'm shelving it.

Hi EJ, You’ve made research very exciting here, telling about the discoveries between the character development. I was caught initially by the descriptions of grief. While that involved me as a reader, I liked identifying with Ashley as she made her discoveries. The Mayor’s reaction seems to be the beginning of conflict. I kept wondering what was going on with Bryce’s father as I read to Chapter 8. He seems to have disappeared which is another reason I would like to read on. This has a lot of realism, a different fictional experience. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

If we only knew just how much we are affected by the environment we live in. This is a very thought provoking book which many will identify with. Even the title sends a shiver. The thriller aspect is punched home with the elusive watcher at the funeral, a good hook to break the sadness of the event.
I only comment as a reader and what I have seen confirms what a good story this is and how well it is written.
Although the subject is not popular, I feel sure this will be. Happy to put on my shelf. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

EJ

So much money is spent trying to figure out how the universe came into being, why can't they (the scientists) accept that the it was always there from the other end of eternity,(is that an oximoron???) and will still be there when our thoughts have long turned to dust.
More should be spent on cancer research, six of my nieghbours have died of cancer in different forms, my uncle included.

As for chemical waste, it is always too late when something like this comes to the surface.

I have said enough,so now your book which sounds more like thriller:

It is well written despite the usual errors that we all make. I am not a lover of present tense stories.
(I read and "umsetz" - I think - decipher - as I read. I am a slow reader, I read loud inside my head to savour the words.)
If I disengage then that is it.

This however, is an interesting subject, and the story is very sad despite the tense.

If may suggest, try altering the tense and maybe more people will back it as I am doing.

You may have guessed, Phil Rowan, the very nice man, recommended your book.

Now if you like to read sad stories, please read mine and tell me how you felt about it, "House of Cards,a Tale of the Holocaust".

I wish you the best of luck, EJ, something we all need in this game.

Regards,

Eleanor.(Germany)

EJ: I'll back Cancerville and wish you the best with it. So sorry about your illness and wish you well. I was in a hurry and neglected to follow through. Still in a hurry, so... Rachael. American Clique.

Someone once said there should never be a 'sigh.' I disagree, but I feel your well-written prologue would be complete without one. You introduce four characters effectively, giving plenty of information without a halt in the prose. Well done.

Might I suggest, 'how is the book coming,' (he) asks as he leans in to kiss (her). The reader already knows who is being spoken of, and the names have been repeated enough. I was surprised you continued in the jpresent tense. For me, it is a more difficult tense to write, even more difficult to hold the reader.

I would cut 'With the subject changed,' and start that paragraph with 'Ashley is quick to lose the darkness that shrouds her eyes.' Good sentence. You might consider following with 'She helps to set the table, then wanders into the family room to get Bryce.'

I like the way you are introducing the characters in the first chapter. I think you might edit out any unnecessary words. One 'find' edit I tend to recommend is for the word 'that.' In the first sentence of 'Bryce,' you might cut this way: 'At first glance, you would think (that) the teenage boy (who is) lost in the video game he is playing, is the eldest of the Griffin family.

I've found that 'read aloud' edits help to spot the repeat of words and phrases. You use 'leaving the room,' then use 'leave the room in the next sentence (the next paragraph).

One thing you might remember is the reader likes to have things more implied so they can join in the experience of the read. So you needn't spell things out for them. 'Finally, alone in their bedroom Jeff and Ashley can talk.' You could say, 'Finally alone in their bedroom, Jeff says, "have you spoken to Bryce about going back home?"' I know I'm not introducing the concept as you've used it well with your use of this dialogue to give information--just food for thought for following edits. However, I would cut here: 'I know he's probably not ready (to be home with Andrea gone), but he has to face it sooner or later.' Read aloud edits will help with more natural dialogue.

When you say 'I guess we all have to face that sooner or later,' it leaves me wondering exactly what 'that' is. You might use the same word Jeff used, 'it.' 'That' makes me wonder if she means face going home.

You've given enough hints for the reader to assume it's been probably at least two months since Andrea died, so you might leave that info off at your ending words to this section. You might edit for impact this way: Jeff pulls Ashley into his chest. His shirt absorbs her tears. This has become almost a nightly ritual.

In the next section, I would edit: (The next morning) with Lizzy off to day came and Bryce (over) at his friend Eric's house, Ashley sits in front of her notebook again, waiting for the words to come.

My watchlist is full, but I came in here because of an interest in the title you used, which is a grabber. I found the prologue to be fully edited to the point I saw only one word out of place, which is rare for me, as I tend to nit-pick. I'm sorry to take an unusual liberty with your prose by making so many edit suggestions, so please do not take it personally. All good works need to be consistently edited. You've displayed perfected editing capabilities in your prologue, so I know some of this might be redundant for you.

I love the way the story is unfolding. Nice to start with a funeral. I loved the imagery of Bryce in the family room playing video games in the dark. Very interesting, the description of why he couldn't eat. Touching, the interactions of Jeff and Ashley when they get in the privacy of their bedroom. It has a good feel. I'm wondering how Bryce will begin to deal with his mom's death, and the direction you'll take with this piece. I highly recommend a read aloud edit. You will be amazed. Several people recommended this to me long ago, but I finally did it and it makes a world of difference.

I was happy to see that Ashley's writing in past tense. That gives a break from the present, which is nice--variety. Ashley writes well, and in a different voice than the present prose.

I'm not sure, but it seems you tend to tag on extra words at the beginning of sentences that kind of take away from the read. '(Sometimes) A traumatic incident can trigger these memories to come rushing up to the surface. Again, the repeat of the name isn't necessary. '...what is happening to Ashley. When Ashley...'

I don't think you mean to say (all) different ages and (all) different cancers. Would you prefer '(She'd) had no idea it was that many.'

I find it a bit unbelievable that no one's suspected this and researched it up until now, but you might be adding someone later who has known. I think you might immediately assure the reader she isn't the first to discover this or make it a little less obvious from the start and the info gradually compile. Here is where the reader might need more detail--you might spell it out that the reason she's the one to discover this is that she's move from town to town, and let the reader know if the areas are near to each other. For example, it's well known that Northeast Ohio has a high incidence of cancer. There should be statistics readily available to her.

Sorry, I can't proofread this or edit out where I went past the point of reason (which I normally do--and I do normally cut quite a bit). I've neglected an obligation and gotta run. Rachael (American Clique).

This was recommended to me too. It is cleverly constructed, you introduce the "book within a book" idea in a natural way, and this is the perfect way of bringing in the research aspects. You have obviously fine-tuned your idea, and I think this will turn out to be a really good read. Happy to back it

Phil Rowan recommended this and im glad he did. Medical thrillers are popular.

shelved.

Hi,
I have written a novel about cancer and its affects and i was interested to see what someone else had written about, and how they wrote about it. Ever since i started researching cancer i have become sensitive and somehow alert to the disease.
Anyway, i like this. It is different and gripping, plus the title really draws you in. I enjoyed reading, and will continue. I hope you will read mine when i eventually upload it. :)

Backed.

xoxo

Hi EJ
Great title. Great story line. I think that you have a wonderful thing going here and your characters quickly become real people. My one thought that in chapter 3 you may have too much back-story. I wonder if you need to find a way to get this through another way.

Shelved,
Barbara

Sheila,

Thank you for pointing out those errors. I haven't had anyone edit yet, so the review helps! I am sorry to hear about your son and I hope he is well? I grew up downwind from Three Mile Island and suspect that is why the town I grew up in has such high cancer rates and why I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2004. My experience planted the seed for Cancerville many years ago. It's amazing, almost everyone I've spoken to about my book has a story that links the environment to cancer, but nothing is really being done about it...why is this? Hmmm... =)

Best,
EJ

EJ,
This got to me, the subject being so close to something I went through when my son Andrew got cancer at the age of 18. The boarding school he was at was close to an atomic plant. I did think of delving into it as a possible cause of the cancer, but became so involved in helping my son to fight the life-threatening disease that there was no time for anything else. The book I wrote about it "Fly with a Miracle" was published in 2000.
Emotion, conflict, the environment, pain, suffering - and good writing. You have all the ingredients for a sensational novel.
I picked out a couple of typos in the prologue:
Ashley's parents are here too - not there . . .
He is unable to, not unable too. A semi-colon after unable to, would be better than a comma.
Good luck with this. I am backing it now, but will read more when I have time. I hope you will take a quick look at Pinpoint, and tell me if anything jars.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

EJ,
This got to me, the subject being so close to something I went through when my son Andrew got cancer at the age of 18. The boarding school he was at was close to an atomic plant. I did think of delving into it as a possible cause of the cancer, but became so involved in helping my son to fight the life-threatening disease that there was no time for anything else. The book I wrote about it "Fly with a Miracle" was published in 2000.
Emotion, conflict, the environment, pain, suffering - and good writing. You have all the ingredients for a sensational novel.
I picked out a couple of typos in the prologue:
Ashley's parents are here too - not there . . .
He is unable to, not unable too. A semi-colon after unable to, would be better than a comma.
Good luck with this. I am backing it now, but will read more when I have time. I hope you will take a quick look at Pinpoint, and tell me if anything jars.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Hi Ej.

This book was recommended by Phil Rowan who says it’s incredible so I just had to have a read. I know you’re writing is top notch as I’ve read The Beautiful People.

Aw, this is so moving. Bryce found his mother dead. This is a beautiful opening that pulls at your heartstrings. As I said, the writing’s superb; great sentence structure, I didn’t find any awkward phrases.

The line, I never saw it coming when my best friend died, in Chap 2 makes you want to read on. It’s nice of Ashley to let Bryce stay with her.

I liked chap 3, how you show Bryce opening up and staring to eat and even smile again. I loved the bond between Bryce and Ashley. Great characterisation, your characters feel real and the dialogue is believable. Loved the end of chap 3.

So far, this a compelling book. Filled with emotions. The story truly came alive.

Brilliant!

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

This instantly struck all sorts of chords. It's real, filled with emotion, tackles issues, and then, to top it all, is well written and structured.

You have a winner here and it is my pleasure to support this.

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

A big and compulsive story beautifully written, EJ. You've taken a hugely important environmental issue here and you've certainly drawn me into your story. I want to go further, but for now I'm pleased to back Cancerville and to wish you well. Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Cancerville---
EJ,
I love your profile exerpt - and I AGREE. I seem to lose writing time from obsessing on this site.
This book brings out emotions and takes the reader on a journey through places they probably don't want to go. But you've written it so beautifully, that it compells me to continue to read on. The prologue was gripping and painful. The first chapter is formatted differently, but I like it. I love the quote that says how life can change in a instant (totally paraphrasing). I know this needs to be told,and will help so many people.
Shelved.
I know you're busy - but if you have time...please take a look at my book- Riley's Gift (it's kind of a self help novel for teens - mingled with a romance and real life experiences).
Take care,
Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift

Yes... I would back this book no matter how well or how bad the story is being told, (not saying it's bad) but these are environmental issues that should be addressed. There are cases of children developing leukaemia from living close to pylons, there are risks with mobile phones, computers, the list goes on and on. ANd what are the government doing about it? Nothing. Because the revenue is so high from these kind of things. I hope this goes far. Angry. very evocative.
Sue

Ok this is another one of those stories that need to be told.Just a couple of nits immediately in the first paragraph, His Dad should be his dad. If you were saying Dad this or Dad that, capitalise same with his Godparents. No need to capitalise.
I'll come back to this and leave some more comments at a later date, meanwhile, it's on the shelf
Sue (A Boy Called George) Hope you get a chance to dip into another important story that needs to be told