The Woman by the Sea

I couldn't stand it. This story is too good. You've got me hooked, a hard thing to do. Backed. Starred. Amazing.

The Woman by the Sea has a lyrical narrative voice, which is unusual and very attractive for a ghost story. I think the short prologue is very effective, and the only thing that gave me pause was the line "fire...tickled our feet." Somehow I couldn't imagine fire tickling (but maybe that's just me). In the first chapter, I met Saira as she and her mother arrive at the grandmother's (Nana's) house after they've run away from Saira's father. There's excellent atmosphere in the chapter, even some quirky humor (loved the comparison that Nana was not quite so Cruella), but what makes this book so readable is the fluid first-person narrative that I think hits the author's target audience immediately. The ending sentence is stunning: time will eventually bring us back home.

Would I read on if I picked up this book at random in a bookstore, or read this chapter as an electronic sample? Yes, I believe I would. It's written better than much YA fiction, and I don't have the feeling that I've inadvertently stepped into yet another teen horror story.

I believe you have a great future ahead of you as a writer - and this book deserves high stars.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

This is possibly my favourite piece of YA fiction on the site. It's lyrical, beautifully written with stunning prose. I'm glad I'm stopping at chapter 3 (or 5 according to the breakdown) because I want to wait until it's published to read the whole thing. You write with such enviable confidence. Rich, poetic descriptions like 'the breeze blew and kissed my face'. My only nitpick was you don't need a comma after limber in Chapter 1/3. And that's the extent of my criticism. This is very atmospheric and I look forward to the day it is in print.
Carl
The Time hunters

I think this is powerful writing. No corpses, no sexy strip scenes, just the real, hairy monsters of life. Most of us will never, thankfully, walk into the livingroom and find a dead body shot full of bulleet holes. Many more of us will face the kinds of tensions presented here, and the author does the presenting so well, the telling details, the specific, concrete actions that speak (I held onto the cup so tightly ..., etc.). You created realistic characters that we can care about because they are dealing with the ultimate and very realistic conflicts of life, and you have a good balance between what you reveal and what you leave to tantalize us into reading further.

Dear Marissa,

The arrangement is that we read what other writers make available to us to read. If it's good, we look forward to reading the rest and we say so. But we accept that that's all we're getting until the book is published. So why do I feel cheated, hard done by, unfairly denied when I couldn't read any more of The Woman by the Sea? I had to think about this for a bit and I know why. The chunk of emotion that your story claimed goes way beyond what any other story I've read so far has done. Having opened the emotions of a whole book, while only providing the closure of a 'taster', I was left both highly awakened and desperately hungry. This is stunningly good writing and the rule is that if that's the case, then I'm supposed to feel happy, but I can't shake off the feeling that I've somehow been tricked. I realise that because I'm being so inarticulate, there's the danger that I could be misunderstood. Please let me make it clear that this book reached parts that no other book that I've read here has yet done, parts that leave me needing to read the rest, rather than merely wanting to. You now have a responsibility to finish it and get it published so that I can lay a ghost to rest.

Your book will remain on my shelf until such time...

Thank you for the experience.

Anjuli

Hi Marissa. I'm hoping you might take a look at 'Jelly-Boy'. That is, if you can bear the thought of a hungry teenager gutting, cooking and eating a seagull!
Julia Draper

gone up to 3 and will keep going. I hope you check "To Kill a Man twice" when you have time. good luck

Dear Marrisa, from the brief outline I am tempted to read on..... a repetition of my own life story you have gripped me with your emotional introduction to what may be a gripping read. I shall read on!
S M Thomas

Very well written, seems to be well done from a teenager's perception. Although I'd mention something odd or sinister earlier in order to pull the reader in more. Great prelude grabbed me right away and set the mood.
Thanks
Frank

I have read through the first three chapters and when I find some time I will read through some more.
First off I like the way chapter three was written it drew me right in to the chapter with the description element at start. it reminded me very much time I spent in Cornwall as a child, suround by lavender. Overall I love the story and will be back again soon to read some more. Brillant book.

Chapter 6

The paragraph beginning "At first they crept out thinly..." is, I think, the most beautiful moment so far, and is far and away the most meaningful bit of speculation yet. Fantasy (or fiction in general) is never so poignant as when it is reflecting real life. you do that so well in THE WOMAN BY THE SEA.

Hello Matrissa--

book- the woman by the sea--

came back in again to read some more and to give it the six stars it deserves this time.
read some of it 468 day;s ago; believe it or believe it not;
I said at the time that it was a beautiful and easy going read, and go further this time; by
saying that it is a lovely put together mystery story; love tales about ghosts and illusions.
As i said, i again rate this very good book highly and i wish you good luck on it's way to the top.

tom bye
from hugs to kisses.
if you read chapter 18 in mine, not only will you meet a ghost, but the devil himself.
you have been warned !!!

You'v set this up with some excellent realistic characters and some good tension between them. I instantly identified with Saira - how often parents uproot their kids without thinking about the consequences this has on them. I remember when mine moved out of my childhood home. I was 14 years old and we only moved about 10 miles but it was still a traumatic effect - add to that the backdrop of the divorce/separation and the scene is set.
Your prologue had me hooked form the start, sucking me in so I couldn't wit to discover the mystery.
I've rarely -if ever - said this on here but this is the type of book I would buy.
Backed, with pleasure.
Kipper

What a story! atmospheric, cold, luring one on to the end. It is full of imagery and creates a real belief in ghosts. Many believe they cannot be at rest until freed by our prayers here on earth. Yhe narrative style is polished and controlled but I think you spoil it with the use the f word and other such langauge. it is poetic in parts, exuding its own aura. A book like this should soar to the heights, just leave out the common verbiage.

Hi Marissa,

Love the pitch and prologue. Adore the title. Awesome plot.
That said, I'll point out a few thing that may help with your next edit.

. . . mingled with the wet, leaving a heavy stain on my nostrils. It forced me to choke as I hauled myself from the car. My feet fell (heavily) on the road, soaking up what felt like an entire puddle. Mum, already at the boot, hauled our bags to the tarmac.

Did she sort of skip to the front door? Or did she skip to the front door.
Lethargically. painfully, metaphorically, too many words ending in ly.
Show and don't tell. A lot of telling going on. Read the dialogue aloud and edit what doesn't sound natural.

Hope this helps, and best of luck with it.

Susanne

This is a fantastic read Marissa.....You have me hooked, as i enjoy stories of a paranormal nature.

Marissa,
I was looking for good books and I think I found one in yours, so I backed it. Please take a look at mine, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Your help will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Definitely hard to put down!

Being a teenager can be a hard, rocky, lonely and demanding existence. You need your parents to guide you, to make you feel your family unit is whole and good. When there’s a breakup, it’s difficult for all parties involved, especially the children. In The Woman by the Sea, all these emotions come clearly through, making the reader feel as if the story is unfolding before our eyes. I particularly enjoyed the beach party, when everyone sat around the fire telling stories, making friends, and falling in love.
Many stars and wishes for success.
Maria
Dark of the moon

Hi I was skimming through books on the site and yours caught my eye. I've really enjoyed reading your prologue and opening chapter. I love ghost stories! You have a way with words. It reads easy and your imagery is impeccible. Your characters are believable, as is your dialogue. I definately want to read on and I've no doubt you'll captivate the YA audience as well. I wish you the best of luck with this. I read a few chapters of the books on my WL, comment, rate, shelve if I really like a book, and then swap books out and start over, so as soon as I swap, your book is WL. Until then, highly rated. I found a few sentences you may want to consider revising. I've only written them as I think they should be, instead of writing them twice (no copy and paste can be frustrating :) ) Take what you want and leave the rest. I hope it helps.

"Of course I've spoken with him," Mum said curtly,"and from that converstation, I concluded that he is, in fact, still a total, lying prick, so this is exactly what I want."
"Yes, I am."
That was, if Heaven existed.
"Hi, Dad."
"Yeah, it is."
"Oh, ok... bye, sweetie. I'll call back another time."

God bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

Great job here! Want to get back to it!

It's very well written but I had difficulty discovering the story. It seemed more like a sit com, or a family drama, but without a central drama, just the family interacting.

Were you aiming for a family book, or were you having difficulty with the seeming ghost story that your blurb implies the book is about?

Chapter 3 is masterful- great conversation, realistic characters, a sense of needing to forget something. We are left wondering what happened in the past, at the end of Ch 3, and also wondering when the ghost will arrive on the scene. Nicely written. Ch 2 seemed a little out of place, and the sentences seemed too repetitive, but Ch 3 made me glad I stuck with it.

LOVED this chapter and the introduction of the woman. I'm still having issue with the title, though. I felt at first that it was too simplistic and have yet to be convinced otherwise.

Only caught one or two typos: once you used the word "the" instead of "they" during the conversation about beautiful people. Another time you left out an "at" or "a", I can't remember. Then there were several occasions when you ended sentences with prepositions, but truly none of it bothered me. The pace remained smooth, the language gorgeous.

You deserve to be on that desk! Do you solicit your book with new authors from the community page?

..."too used to it to be scared but too scared to be used to it."

My favorite line so far!

What are you going to do about your rating?? It's dropping and stressing me out (for your sake, of course).

Fantastic pitch! It was so good that I couldn't wait to begin.
The first three chapters had me gripped and I was expecting something to happen much sooner than it did, (haunting or a ghost to appear).
It[s probably just my opinion, but it;s such a long way time from the beginning before anything is mentioned about a ghost or haunting.
Other than this it's all written beautifully. 5 stars.

I have already left a comment - not very positive I'm afraid - but just read through all the other comments. I was shocked at the lack of critique and amount of gushing! I sincerely hope this is not an example of reciprocal hype. A couple of over-the-top positive comments appear to be fishing for feedback on their own work. What is the point of that.

The person who gave his full and honest opinion was 'Monkeyfeet' who for his troubles is disrespected by another member of this site.

Honestly, I think that's an entirely unfair thing to say. Just because my story wasn't to your taste, does not make other people liars for saying they enjoyed it. I've had both negative and positive feedback and a lot of in depth critiques of what works and what doesn't, and have found them incredibly helpful to inform my edits.
And personally, I found 'monkey feet' to be incredibly picky and mostly unreasonable.

For example, one criticism was;
'This could be meaningful if I knew the situation. I don’t know why the person must “haul” themselves. Tired? Sick? Reluctant?'
Well, you're 3 sentences in so give it a chance to explain to you. As a reader, I don't like books that treat me like an idiot and have to explain every single little action or thought as it happens. It often becomes an info dump and you lose any emotional connection with the characters. You're being constantly told things, not shown, and you don't feel it. And quite frankly, it's boring. In ways, it just reads like a list. I want the reader to get to know the character gradually and understand them and grow with them rather than being told their entire life story in the first three paragraphs or so. What else do you then have to learn about them? Nothing. It's mundane.

At the end of the day, if you don't like my book, you don't. You won't change your mind and I have no intention to try to make you. We obviously have very different tastes in literature. There is no need, however, to be so ignorant to assume that just because you don't like it, anyone's 'gushing' or appreciation of my story is lying and trying to butter me up to get their own good review. Granted, there may have been a few but there are some people who do, like me, genuinely really enjoy that feeling of finding themselves a new, good read and I graciously thank them for all their help and support.

I have already left a comment - not very positive I'm afraid - but just read through all the other comments. I was shocked at the lack of critique and amount of gushing! I sincerely hope this is not an example of reciprocal hype. A couple of over-the-top positive comments appear to be fishing for feedback on their own work. What is the point of that.

The person who gave his full and honest opinion was 'Monkeyfeet' who for his troubles is disrespected by another member of this site.

Sorry but in my view the first para is a turn-off. 'Heavy stain on my nostril'!! Canvas shoes and heavy footfall does not work. Shoes 'soaking up a puddle'!! Afraid the rest of the text is full of laboured metaphors and similes.

Overall, does not do it for me

Excellent, excellent work. Saira has complexity and depth even by the end of ch. 2. Mom is insecure and somewhat self-centered, definitely in denial. Excellent.

I have no criticism for you. I would like to see this in print.

I'll alert you to a few typos in the first two chapters:

/////

When ‘the shit hits the fan’, as they say, no one reacts logical ways



her jaw barely moving and her expression, sharp

It was all little too premature.

The room suddenly seemed so much bigger, and I, smaller, but yet in away

“How lovely to grace us with you’re presence Paige.”

Lindsey Lohan had, had more guts

“Piage, this is Saira”

pulling my scruffy pigtails out and re trying the brown waves

////

G. T. Anders
The Tower of Babel

The Woman by the Sea -- Marissa Ogbeide

I really enjoyed this. At the beginning the reader is seduced into the story by a lyrical prologue that has them intrigued by ghost story of the woman by the sea. The author has a unique, soft sounding, almost lyrical narrative voice that draws one into the tale. It was easy to picture Saira and her mother's relocation, her doubts as to whether the mother was making the right choice and her obvious angst of the notion of 'running away' only to buy a certain amount of time which was sure to end. The story is told in first person and I believe this really works well as we get intimately acquainted with a wonderful MC.

Small correction:
When the shit hits the fan, as they say, no one reacts (in) logical ways.

I really enjoyed reading this and wish you all the best in publication. This is a very polished read and I found your writing confident and sound. This is one that I'd like to read on .. even better in print.
My best to you,
Kari

I like your writing style. Your story is interesting but I find Saira a little too flat as a main character. We don't really even know her name until the second chapter but one thing I've learned about the editing process is that what we think our first chapter should be, turns out to be entirely different in the end.

I love the Cruella comparison for the grandmother because at first, you characterized her to sound sort of small and round. That helped to pull her up in stature.

Overall, I enjoyed this book. Best wishes on all your future endeavours!

Arlene Karbashewski
"The Treasure Kings"

I see talent at work here. Saira is upset about moving in with her grandmother. The choice wasn't hers though, but her mother's. The only reason she went with it is because she wanted her mother to be happy. From this we know she has the ability to put others' needs above hers. All the same, she feels her mother is running away from something. The irony is that she's thinking of doing the same thing. What are they running away from? I wonder...

I love it! Simply love it! I know Cornwall so well and this is so believable. My parent's live in Penzance and I would gladly buy this for them to read! Your opening paragraph in your first chapter enhances every bodily sense as you cleverly list smells of lavender, sounds of rain, the taste of lemonade, the feel of wet shoes in a puddle and the sight of the house covered in ivy. If only everyone wrote like you! I gladly rate this book highly and add you to my WL, to be shelved as soon as I have space!!
I would be eternally grateful if you would cast your talented eye over my own YA novel. Also a ghost story but very different to yours!!
Best of luck and keep up the good work!!

Mae

by "cumulating" do you mean "culminating"?

gawped & randy-- interesting words.

Excellent dialogue, definitely your strong suit.

Did you mean "adieu" or "adios"? Guess it struck me as weird that British school girls would say "adios".

i also loved your description of her growling stomach.

I believe the prolouge should be a bit longer, to draw people in better, but your first chapter was typical of a YA story; teenage honesty, explanation of past events, etc. The paranormal YA genre will accept this book easily if it ever reaches the market.

I like your writing style and your main character. I like Saira's insights about herself, they are doubting, self conscious and essentially real for a girl her age. My one suggestion is that the first real chapter (after the prologue-y stuff) doesn't need the first half. I'm not really enthralled by reading about car rides or being told plain out where someone is or why. I want to find it out as I go along, bit by bit. In the second half of that chapter you did this more successfully so I think, what was the point of the first half? But as a writer you will probably end up writing the first chapter of your book over and over again, so I hope you give it a shot and good luck.

Your prologue grabbed me instantly and made me wish to read the piece. I will be coming back for more. ~Natalie Erin

I'm afraid there were technical difficulties and you did not receive my first comment. So here goes again... Please disregard if this arrives in duplicate.

GENIUS!! I love the story and the tone. I also wish you the best of luck as it seems luck is a necessary ingredient for getting published. I have placed your book on my "shelf" (still new at this) and will read more in a few moments. Let me encourage you to also take a look at www.webook.com as it is also a helpful tool for receiving feedback. typically, webookers are teens and it offers a unique opportunity to test your YA novel on a target audience.

ANYWAY, your book is in the same vein as one of mine DAWN RISING. I would be honored if you got a chance to read a bit. Ghost stories are so much fun!

Hi Marissa,

I really like your writing. It is natural and seems effortless yet the images you conjure for the reader are complex and beautiful. I envy your ability to right such flowing prose. I have no doubt that this will be on the shelves of Waterstones and WH Smith sometime in the not too distant future.

Best of luck,

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Having read your first chapter, I feel I have to say that the person who calls himself 'MonkeyFeet' is talking bollocks and you should ignore him.

He obviously has trouble comprehending the simplest of things - such as the fact that the story begins at your grandmother's house. What a tosser!

How evil of you to stop feeding pages to your hungry readers. Love the book. I was searching for another author and book to evaluate today. You saved me from monotonous hours of browsing and book after book of drivel, Thank you.

I like your easy style and way with words. I'll back this. Best of luck.
Marilyn x

i'm kind of the same i read about 3 or so chapers and incredible work a. Great use of words, ery descriptive

Just read to chapter 5 and my kids are clammering for breakfast so I'll have to leave it there for now. I have put this book on my shelf based on the five chapters. It's very well written, with great descriptions and believable dialogue. I was blown away when I clicked on your name afterwards and found out how young you are! I wish so much that I had started writing more seriously at your age. You need to keep going with this. I will echo Lizzi's review - I think you have a future in writing if you can write like this already.

I agree "Once I heard about the woman by the sea I would never be able to forget"
Excellent dialogue, Love the descriptiveness Lydias cigarrette, "swirled round and round in a delicate silk coil" even makes smoking sound classy :)
starred and will back soon

Im enjoying this, I enjoy the way you write with just a few words like an artist weilding a brush quickly over the canvas, but still conveying the scene to us. I have decided to back it and will keep reading it.
Nick

I couldn't stand it. This story is too good. You've got me hooked, a hard thing to do. Backed. Starred. Amazing.

The Woman by the Sea,
Fiction, 1st person

A ghost story.
The pitch is excellent!

POV, 1st and well written. The I trap never sprung. The author managed it quite well.

Chapter 3. Long dialog. Though there is a mystical atmosphere to the telling here, it still seems to be info dump, relaying information of the past and of the trip and of the weather. Yet, toward the end of the chapter, the Beach! Oh, how that sweeps me into the story! I love those last 4 paragraphs of this chapter.

It might be important to tell the stuff in the begining of Ch 3 somewhere in the story. But as a reader, I almost gave up and almost stopped reading. It is fluid and the proper structure kept me going. But the content nearly made my eyelids take over. So when I reached the beach I was so happy to be going somewhere.

The plot, I think will carry this book far. I think it will have wide readership. Maybe most readers will be less impaitent than I and won't mind the lead in. IMO, you could start with the beach and be humming along and put the other stuff somewhere else, if you really really really have to have it.

Raechel
Echo

Well done on this. It's haunting and impelling and I wish you all the best with it, looking forward to reading the rest of it. Katherine Strata

The Woman By The Sea: What did happen at Moors Cottage? By far the most superior hooks in the opening chapters, I have ever read. Saira goes to live with her grandmother and must attend a private convent school. She is clearly not too thrilled about her current situation but an understanding attitude sets her high up in my estimation and I already care for her. Even as she considers running away at the end of chapter 3, her independence shines through. This is relative to all young adults who at one time or another have felt trapped and isolated in an undesirable place - where bolting into the blue is the only thing available. There is a nice quality to the writing and the pace is extremely fast. I found myself spilling through several chapters, hungry for more. Outstanding rating and if my w/l wasn’t so full, I would back it in a heart-beat. Thank you for such a great read. Claire ~ Chasing Pharoahs.

A very haunting piece of work that steps you right into the narration. The ending was especially powerful and unexpected. Is there going to be more to the story later? You have some very interesting characters here. On my WL. Have a great week! :o)

A great story. It's the kind of book I often find on my wifes side of the bed, and sneakily read when she's finished. The ghost scenes are full of effective tension. Well worth reading.

I have read thru a few chapters about (7) and it enthralled me, brought me in. Well written. Nicely done

RR Brown