Writing the Town Read

The backdrop of London winning the Olympics and the euphoria that came with it then turning to carnage with the bombings is a very potent one and sets a tone of uncertainty and pessimism. This is then perfectly continued with the dead badger that Jamie sees. It all suggests shattered dreams, the fragilty of life, the fine line between success and failure. There is a lot to like about the first few chapters. The only thing I didn't like about it is the occasional lapse in the narrative that tended to detract from the story. "As I have said before" is one example. I like the way Jamie exposes the obvious sexism at play in her work environment and overall it is a good read.

Hi Katharine

I love your narrative style and Jamie as a protagonist is both real and intriguing. Your prose flows really easily and compels the reader to find out more. I think the premise for this book is great - setting a turning point for your character at the time of great uncertainty with the London bombings. On the shelf and I'll definitely be back to read more!

Miranda x

Hello Katharine,
I've had Writing the Town Red on my watch list for ages and have finally reached it. What an unexpected treat! Clear, concise writing with plenty of mood and atmosphere. Dead badgers, gulls screeching, paddling barefoot in the shallows, all lovely images. You switched from first to third person very smoothly in Ch 3 and I didn't stumble at all. In fact this scenery change is a super contrast to the one before.
In chapter 5, I liked the way you reported the explosion through dialogue. I had to stop there through lack of time.
I shall certainly shelve this, though it will have to be tomorrow as I don't have a space today. I am surprised it is only 192 in the charts, it deserves to be much higher, so I hope my shelving helps.
I'd be so grateful if you could peep at C&C before the end of the month. I'm trying really hard to stay on that wretched desk this time.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Katharine, as someone who's worked in Bristol and writes about small lives against large political backdrops, this intrigued me, and I'm really glad to have read it, and happy to put you on my shelf.

I think you handle the micro/macro thing very well - using the minutiae of life to comment on the bigger picture, and using global events as a mirror for the details of people's lives - it's so difficult to do without sounding preachy (i would really love it if you popped by and had a look, in particular, at chapter 3 of Songs..., which tries to do just that with riots in Eastern Europe) but you manage it very well. I think the main way you succeed is by createing such a distinctive and engaging voice for your main character - we feel instantly at home in her head, happy to spend time with her. Hers re eyes through which we know we'll enjoy watching things unfold.

One point i would make - the badger (minor aside - as someone who lives in the west it's funny how these things move on - in the short time since 2005 we now see badgers by the road all the time, but they don't stay there long enough for your scenario because they are cleaned up by environmental health owing to the blind panic that has swept the rural community over bovine TB). Whe I read the start of chapter one i thought what a fantastic way to lead us in to teh story (I still do think that) - you tell us so much about your main character, her world, hopes, and fears, instantly grounding us in the book. Then I read the start of chapter two and wondered if maybe you were stretching the device too far. Where i really felt it HAD gone too far was towards the end of chapter two with the reference to the little bird - don'tover-egg the pudding :-)

Wonderful stuff. Hope you have a couple of minutes to take a peek at Songs...

Very best wishes

Dan

Kathering, the writing here is very good and your skill in telling a story is evident. I'm not a big fan of tons of backstory before anything actually happens, but at least you take us through it expertly. I do hope the crisis of the book, whatever it is, has to do with feminism. I'll be back next week to read more so I can get a better feel for the overall book. Well done!

[Comment based on reading Chapters 1-5]

Katharine, after reading five chapters of "Writing the Town Read", I want to read more. Your characters are engaging and believable and the settings are well-drawn. I can picture Cornwall from your descriptions although I've never been there. I particularly liked the humour in the story and your smart comments on gender relations at work and the (harsh) realities of work.

There are a few points you might want to consider when re-editing:
As others have commented, there are lengthy narrative summaries in parts. Converting some into scenes could engage the reader more. Something I struggle with in my own writing is deciding what the reader needs to know and at what point.

Now and then Jamie's "voice" becomes a little formal and unnatural, e.g. Ch4 "Sheila ... tells me to take it in my stride and laugh it off but I'm afraid I'm unable to do that."

Finally, I don't think you need to tell the reader how a character is saying something as the dialogue already shows that, e.g. Ch1 "I answer defensively"; "I grin" (can you grin speech?); Ch4 "he'd said angrily"; "I said brightly".

I hope that's helpful.

"Writing the Town Read" is a good read. Best of luck with it.

Katharine
I've just finished Writing the Town Read today. Your writing style is easy to read and very compelling, I wanted to know more and had to read to the end. The chapter in which Jamie's dad takes her to the hospital in London to identify Dave was written brilliantly. You handled that bond between father and daughter so well, I had tears in my eyes.
Thank you for a brilliant read.
Jane

You write extremely well - your prose flows nicely, concise, but also lyrical and you have created a lovely, sympathetic character in Jamie. I've spent some time in Cornwall and you evoke so well the atmosphere of that special place. Deserves to be up there at the top. Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Oh the start is very beautiful, almost poetic. This is nice writing that is flawless and connect the reader right away. No sticky bits and the portrayal of Jamie and dave is so believable and visual.

Lovely tones here that tells of foreboding and darkness to come.

Damned good read.

Love it.

Hi Katharine, what a wonderful tale you have woven here. Right from the beginning You present Jamie as a caring, passionate human being. Your premise is really well thought out and promises the reader will be entertained throughout the read.

Good luck with this clever read.
happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Kat: both pitches worked for me and the writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a good story. But then, the best ones are always about everyday characters who then are dropped into unusual circumstances and Jamie fulfills that criteria. Making her a reporter on a local newspaper is clever plotting. On top of that, your writing style is another plus. It's clear and engaging and pushes your story forward. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

There is something so real about all of this. Well, of course I know it's based on a real tragedy. But your description of the situation feel so truthful.

I was biting my nails as I read about Jamie waiting to hear from Dave. I love the part where the phone rings and she feels relief....until she hears that it's Mel and not Dave.

Funny/sad about guy on phone telling her to stay put....not come to London. I was thinking, if someone said that to me, I'd probably feel I NEED to come to London. And then that's exactly what Jamie started thinking.

I really want Dave to be okay, but I'm guessing he's not going to be. Well, there was the white flash and all that. But I think that's a sign of a very talented writer....one who makes you care about the characters and what happens to them.

I look forward to reading the rest.....

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

I'd be exactly the same as Jamie at seeing the poor dead badger.
'an unbeardy fisherman' - brilliant! Great writing, sympathetic MC and set at an interesting time in the UK's history, if I saw this in a shop I'd buy it. Backed.

Dear Katharine,
The beginning of this gives us a clear insight into the main character and also into her rural setting. There’s a slightly naive and child-like quality about your main character – perhaps not childlike but idealistic.
I like the way that your character comments on this later – why is it that in today’s society these types of ideals are frowned upon? I like her.
Your description of her inability to sleep at night resonates strongly with me, as I am sure it dopes with many others. The smallest comment can cut like a knife to some people, although all too often it is said in all innocence.
Totally identify with Dave, too. My husband and I are exactly the same. I’ll be lying there tossing and turning and he always sleeps like a child. I am as envious of him as you main character is of Dave. Again, this is easy to identify with and I am sure many other women will feel the same way, too.
Your characters are simply told but easy to identify with, and likeable despite their individual flaws. There is a nice easy pace to this, like the easy Cornish setting that forms the backdrop for the story.
Happy to put this on my shelf
Kipper

Hello katharine,

Brilliant. amazing story told in the first person with vivid descriptions, great mastery in dialogue and narrative and an e opening chapter left that made me one to find out what the subsequent chapters hold. Starting the story with her unsettling feelings over the dead badger by the roadside gave it a unique perspective. This story is deep and engaging and I perceive an unfolding plot that promised to keep the reader in suspense until the very end. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

I am enjoying this. Your style flows well, though probably an edit would improve some of the minor niggles (doesn't it always!). Your main character is likeable, and so far, so readable. Happy to back it

Your pitch intrigues me. Will watchlist it and hope to have a read of a chapter or two tomorrow

Okay, Dear Girl, here goes....for whatever reason the system put your book in the first spot on my WL, so I just started reading. I LOVE THIS. I confess that I'm drawn the several of the themes here, but it's the way they are expressed through Jamie (primarily) that makes this work. You do so well with putting us into her life and taking us along for her journy.

One crit.....I wish this had not been written in the first person......don't get me wrong, you do it well. I simply believe that it could have been more accepted if it were not in the first person.

Lockjaw

The backdrop of London winning the Olympics and the euphoria that came with it then turning to carnage with the bombings is a very potent one and sets a tone of uncertainty and pessimism. This is then perfectly continued with the dead badger that Jamie sees. It all suggests shattered dreams, the fragilty of life, the fine line between success and failure. There is a lot to like about the first few chapters. The only thing I didn't like about it is the occasional lapse in the narrative that tended to detract from the story. "As I have said before" is one example. I like the way Jamie exposes the obvious sexism at play in her work environment and overall it is a good read.

Hi Katharine

I love your narrative style and Jamie as a protagonist is both real and intriguing. Your prose flows really easily and compels the reader to find out more. I think the premise for this book is great - setting a turning point for your character at the time of great uncertainty with the London bombings. On the shelf and I'll definitely be back to read more!

Miranda x

Finally got around to this one – sorry for the delay. Good opening – clear blue day and a dead badger, what a great bit of foreshadowing. Like the way you are setting this up. It struck me reading the proverbs at the end that they might work better if you mixed them up a bit. You know – a rolling stone gathers no worms and the early bird gets the moss. Just an idea!

Chapter 2 and I’m really warming to this. Only bit I didn’t like was the bit where you say “you may be asking” and other bits where you’re talking directly to the reader. This brought me out of the story and made me realise I was reading, if you see what I mean? To be honest, not sure if you need that whole scene with Russell anyway, but I’ll reserve judgement. And you jump from past tense (she’s telling us why/how she returned to Cornwall) into the present tense when you’re showing us the interview, even though it's still set in the past. Not sure it matters which but I think you need the consistency.

Chapter 3 and I’m beginning to want to see the plot. But that may well be my expectations rather than your fault as I’m used to reading commercial rather than literary novels. I did like this a lot. You have a good sense of place – your descriptive passages are great and I like the style. The characters are also well-rounded and believable. Best of luck with this.

Katherine, I’ve only read the first two chapters, but thought I’d pass on my notes at this point. The blurb sets the stage for an intriguing and interesting story. As a newspaper journalist myself, I always enjoy reading about journalists as the lead character.

I’m big on strong opening sentences and chapter endings, and I think the opening scene with the badger is well done. It sets a mood and tone, foreshadows what might come later in the story as the main character gets run over by life rather than a car, and it tells a lot about the character in how she views life, animals, and her compassion. I thought this was very strong, and told so much in very few words. Excellent.

The story starts as she views the badger then gets into the car to drive Dave to the station, but then the fourth paragraph veers off and shifts time to the alarm clock going earlier that morning, then segues right back to getting in the car. I found this time shift a little off somehow, and not really saying much about the story. The brief conversation in the car about the badger, survival of the fittest, etc., was a good insight into both characters’ personalities and the differences between them, and also seems to allude to the story that might be coming.

The next 5 paragraphs of narrative seem to be too much telling the reader all about the character and her relationship with Dave, not in a narrative flow of the story but in an info dump, an aside to tell the reader “here’s stuff you need to know before you read further.” I think this would be more effectively done with live scenes and some dialog over a period of the first couple of chapters. The old “show us don’t tell us” phrase that gets overused and misused, but I think applies in this case. It’s 5 grafs that take the reader out of the story and the flow, and dumped in early the first chapter. From here you go back into some dialog and interaction, including some internal thoughts of the narrator, and it flows smoothly. It’s more of a scenesetter of a chapter, as there’s not much actual forward motion – they get up, she drives him to the station. No real tension there and no solid story line to hook into yet, but I think it works overall. It’s a brief chapter but it does set the stage and introduce the characters. You might consider how to add a little more tension to the opening pages, some hint at a conflict to come between them, just clues. Assume a reader or agent hasn’t read the blurb – after the first chapter is there something to drive them forward to chapter 2? I’m not sure there is.

The ending sentence and paragraph of chapter 1 don’t accomplish this either. The character just wants to sit in the garden and think about the Olympics – not related to the story, doesn’t do anything to drive the reader to turn the page. This is a key point where a reader decides to buy the book or not, to keep reading it or not, and where an agent has to decide whether to keep reading, ask for the full manuscript, or set it into the reject pile.

Chapter 2 – back to the badger, both literally and metaphorically. I love this opening. Is she going to be able to face life when things go wrong, or just avoid its gaze? From there, the story veers off into minutia, step by step details that aren’t important, too many “I” sentences (I’ll come back to that in a minute, it’s one of my pet peeves, having done it myself and having had an editor beat me for it thoroughly), and more “telling” narrative.

“I” sentences are a default in first person writing, but what happens is that the story becomes told to the reader by the narrator, which distances the reader from the story. You need to make the reader a part of the story, to feel and see and think what the narrator feels and sees and thinks. “I” sentences break that connection. When a story is told with “I did this, I did that, I went here, I saw this, I thought this” type sentences, it separates the narrator from the reader and is clearly someone telling the story. When you and I go about our normal routines, we don’t think in terms of “I am doing this.” We just do it, and our thought process is focused on our senses. Many of the “I” sentences can be eliminated through rewriting. The first person narrator can just describe the scene – the garden, a past event, a thought – without saying “I sit at my table, I have a very small garden, I take a gulp of coffee, I tend to stay in bed, I haven’t sat outside, I really wanted this flat, I feel a bit guilty, I look at my watch, I’m going to have to rush, I leave my flat, I lock my door, I walk quickly, I will be working, I hope the weather,” etc.

Here’s one example just to illustrate what I’m talking about (not that this is a great sentence or that you should use this):

Original:
I only have a very small garden, the lawn only a few foot square and the decking that Dad did for me leading out from the back door. It’s big enough for a table and two chairs so if both my parents come around I usually end up sitting on the lawn looking up at them, feeling a bit like a child again.

Dad built the decking leading from the back door to the very small garden, only a few feet square. It’s only big enough for a table and two chairs, which is usually fine for just Dave and me, but when my parents come around I end up sitting on the lawn looking up at them like a child again.

That particular rewrite only eliminate one “I” but it changes the focus. It describes the deck that Dad built, and buries the only “I” in the middle of the second sentence. The focus is on the deck and its description and then how it makes her feel (without using the word “feel”). Obviously you can’t get rid of every “I” in a story, nor would you want to; just eliminate as many of the superfluous ones that you can by focusing the story on the external world more than on the narrator telling the reader what she is doing. It’s subtle shift in the writing, but a major change for the reader.

Starting with “I had three deadly boring jobs,” this next entire section of several paragraphs all consists of nothing but the narrator telling the reader all about herself. This, to me, really killed the flow of the story and dumped a lot of info on me in a chunk that I would rather learn gradually through scenes. I’m sorry to say this is where I, as a reader, lost interest. This sounds like you may have written a detailed bio of your character, which is a good thing to do in order for you to know your character inside and out, but then you put the bio into the story, which is too dry and doesn’t engage the reader in the story.

Your scene work was solid, but there wasn’t much of it. I think you’d do well to write a lot more scenes and show us the characters interacting, show us how Jamie reacts, give us the back story in small bits and pieces just when we need it. I had to stop reading (life called) before finishing chapter 2, but at the point I stopped reading, all I know about the story is that Jamie dropped Dave at the train station and there’s a dead badger in her yard. That’s not compelling or intriguing enough to keep me going, and does not align with the intriguing story line you’ve alluded to in the blurb. You’ve also shown some flashes of real brilliance here, your writing is clear and crisp and technically solid, so I think it’s just a matter of figuring out what part of the plot and conflict you can introduce earlier to propel a reader forward.

Hope this doesn’t sound overly harsh or critical, because I think you’ve got a good story concept and a potentially engaging lead character in Jamie who readers will relate to. Best of luck with this, and if you have follow up questions or don’t understand some of my long meandering comments here, please don’t hesitate to ask, or feel free to ignore any/everything I’ve said. It’s all my subjective opinion, of course. You have to decide how best to tell your story.

Robb

Hi Katharine, long time watchlisted, now shelved, etc etc.

Well there's an in-built dread to this chapter with the historical context; most of us can remember that strange couple of days three and a half years ago, the euphoria of winning the Olympics bid and the world's leaders having been in Gleneagles for the G8, then the attacks. This is foreshadowed with the dead animals. Your central character's compassion is placed to the fore in your early scenes and it seems inevitable that they'll be put to the test.

There were some other nice touches - the relationship riffs, the idea that one person complements another in terms of personality traits (one caring perhaps too much, the other caring perhaps too little), and also a good line about how she misses her independence when she's with her partner sometimes.

If I could make a criticism, I think some of your descriptions do stretch on a bit too long - the anecdote about taking the crow to the vet's could have been trimmed - but it's only my initial thoughts of course, and I'll need to read much more to see how this type of description works its way into the rest of the book. Really enjoyed your work, all the best,
P

Hello Katharine,
I've had Writing the Town Red on my watch list for ages and have finally reached it. What an unexpected treat! Clear, concise writing with plenty of mood and atmosphere. Dead badgers, gulls screeching, paddling barefoot in the shallows, all lovely images. You switched from first to third person very smoothly in Ch 3 and I didn't stumble at all. In fact this scenery change is a super contrast to the one before.
In chapter 5, I liked the way you reported the explosion through dialogue. I had to stop there through lack of time.
I shall certainly shelve this, though it will have to be tomorrow as I don't have a space today. I am surprised it is only 192 in the charts, it deserves to be much higher, so I hope my shelving helps.
I'd be so grateful if you could peep at C&C before the end of the month. I'm trying really hard to stay on that wretched desk this time.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

The bit about selfishness etc. feels too much like preaching and stops me. In fact it makes me cross. I once hit something at a low speed on a dark country lane. I did everything I could to avoid it, but because I'd just come round a corner I couldn't help it. I stopped, but whatever it was had crawled into the bushes and I couldn't find it. I'm sure there are lots of other people out there like me. Is the idea to anger the reader against your character? If so, you've done it for me!

OK, overview - you have good technical skills and have a knack of creating a character without us actually noticing how you do it. Also, I can see that you are passionate about your subject and that gives life and realism to the story. The bit about selfishness might be just me, as might the first person, but the mixture of tenses really needs some serious thought. It's almost seems asthough you're trying to show off how well you can handle them. I don't know if that's the case, but I couldn't get into the prose because my mind was struggling with the tense.

Obviously this is all just my opinion, but I would suggest that you take a good look at the tense and consider changing it to just past tense. It would make the whole thing much more readable.

Hope that helps!

All the best - Mary

Hmm... not really sure how this replying to quote works... here goes...
Hi Mary, thank you for your comments and sorry for angering you! ;o) I have also managed to run over not just one but three animals - two squirrels and one rabbit - I do live in the country and it's impossible not to especially if they turn back at the last minute. The point really is about how animals just have to put up with it - more the effect of humans in general rather than ine particular person!
It's interesting what you're saying about the tense, nobody else has commented on that and no I'm not trying to show off, that's not really the type of person I am. It's more trying to make the story work because I want to reveal things as we go - yet also the back story is important. It's difficult to get right, I'm finding, as the version you've read is very different to how it has been (though content much the same) and I guess an effect of that may be more sudden switching between tenses.
I appreciate your honesty and your time in reading this - and hope you will return at some point!
Kath

Hi Katherine,

I've finally manged to take a look at this - sorry for the delay.

I comment chronologically so here goes:

Short pitch - Fine, although the choice of "Jamie" as a name made me think the lead character was male.

Long Ptich - Typo "Jamies" should read "Jamie". Other than that, not majorly gripping but good enough to make me want to read on.

Chapter 1 - Don't like the use of first person - sorry! For some reason the pitch led me to expect the third person and to suddenly read "my" was a shock to the system. Combine that with the name confusion and I'm starting to be put off. The use of the present tense is also a bit difficult. Again, I'm not sure why, but it's making it hard for me to "get into" the story. It is well written, though and straight away I understand your lead character. Again, use of tense is hard going - switching back to the morning and using the past perfect is tough reading.

The bit about selfishness etc. feels too much like preaching and stops me. In fact it makes me cross. I once hit something at a low speed on a dark country lane. I did everything I could to avoid it, but because I'd just come round a corner I couldn't help it. I stopped, but whatever it was had crawled into the bushes and I couldn't find it. I'm sure there are lots of other people out there like me. Is the idea to anger the reader against your character? If so, you've done it for me!

OK, overview - you have good technical skills and have a knack of creating a character without us actually noticing how you do it. Also, I can see that you are passionate about your subject and that gives life and realism to the story. The bit about selfishness might be just me, as might the first person, but the mixture of tenses really needs some serious thought. It's almost seems asthough you're trying to show off how well you can handle them. I don't know if that's the case, but I couldn't get into the prose because my mind was struggling with the tense.

Obviously this is all just my opinion, but I would suggest that you take a good look at the tense and consider changing it to just past tense. It would make the whole thing much more readable.

Hope that helps!

All the best - Mary

Katharine, as someone who's worked in Bristol and writes about small lives against large political backdrops, this intrigued me, and I'm really glad to have read it, and happy to put you on my shelf.

I think you handle the micro/macro thing very well - using the minutiae of life to comment on the bigger picture, and using global events as a mirror for the details of people's lives - it's so difficult to do without sounding preachy (i would really love it if you popped by and had a look, in particular, at chapter 3 of Songs..., which tries to do just that with riots in Eastern Europe) but you manage it very well. I think the main way you succeed is by createing such a distinctive and engaging voice for your main character - we feel instantly at home in her head, happy to spend time with her. Hers re eyes through which we know we'll enjoy watching things unfold.

One point i would make - the badger (minor aside - as someone who lives in the west it's funny how these things move on - in the short time since 2005 we now see badgers by the road all the time, but they don't stay there long enough for your scenario because they are cleaned up by environmental health owing to the blind panic that has swept the rural community over bovine TB). Whe I read the start of chapter one i thought what a fantastic way to lead us in to teh story (I still do think that) - you tell us so much about your main character, her world, hopes, and fears, instantly grounding us in the book. Then I read the start of chapter two and wondered if maybe you were stretching the device too far. Where i really felt it HAD gone too far was towards the end of chapter two with the reference to the little bird - don'tover-egg the pudding :-)

Wonderful stuff. Hope you have a couple of minutes to take a peek at Songs...

Very best wishes

Dan

Dear Kath, just to let you know I haven't forgotten you. I shelved WTTR last week and it went up about 10 places. I will have a read of the revised version as soon as I have time. I was really quite ill last week (not man flu) and am only just getting back on top of work etc etc. Hope all's well with you. R

Hi. I've added this to my watchlist and will comment more soon.

Hi Kath! Thanks for the comments on Xanadu-du. It's the wrong book though: pls have a look at Tybalt & Theo if you have time - much, much better!

Hi Katherine,

After reading your pitch, I came into the read expecting a bit more emotional excitement than I got. I suspect that you are leading us up to the bombings, getting us settled in with your viewpoint character and the love of her life, however (bet you saw that word coming, didn't you?) for me it moves much too slowly.

Now then, there is nothing wrong with the writing, or the content, this only needs a judicious structural edit (in my opinion and after reading only a chapter and a half). It's hard for me to explain, but I see this reading a lot better if you use your first eleven paragraphs (very hooky paragraphs, by the way) symbolically to bring reader into that day with a sentence something like:

"That's death, too. Badgers, humans, we're all trodden on by the shittiest trying to survive..."

And there end the section. New section -- is there a section in the book where she starts ringing a help line, or watches the TV? Bring it in now, give us an action scene as she tries to find out if Dave's okay, then stop and cut back to the car journey. Cut to an high tension scene, then back to her having breakfast...

You get the idea?

Ugh, I've just read back and it seems as though I'm trying to rework your book for you. I'm not Katherine, I can just 'see' how restructuring the story would make it more immediate for reader; they would care more for her as you show how this incident has defined her. Then you can roll into the teenage gang part of the story knowing reader is on her side, absolutely, that they care for her. You might have to change the tense you are writing in here and there, but you are very confident in this area so I shouldn't see any problems at all.

This, of course, is all only my opinion. Take what you need and throw the rest far, far away.

All the best to you.

~Diane.

Hi Fi... thanks for reading and glad you like the meetings but oddly enough those scenes were written some time ago - about two years in fact - inspired by somebody else believe it or not! So maybe it's more life imitating art. Or perhaps there are more of them out there than you realise :o)

I had to laugh at the description of the subjects discussed in the meetings. Art imitating life. Who would imagine that the weekly Retail meetings would ever be immortalised in print? Perhaps you should have called Guy Derek Spacer!

Hi ...finally got round to it sorry. This was good. I liked the fact that you dont overcomplicate things and therefore it flowed beautifully.Your description is strong and I particularly liked the job interview with Guy. Witty and in todays world i would guess 'spot on'. I have only read the first chapter as Im aware of my watchlist building up.Im going to read another tomorrow... well done! I like what Ive read so far but need to jump in the middle somewhere!

Kathering, the writing here is very good and your skill in telling a story is evident. I'm not a big fan of tons of backstory before anything actually happens, but at least you take us through it expertly. I do hope the crisis of the book, whatever it is, has to do with feminism. I'll be back next week to read more so I can get a better feel for the overall book. Well done!

hi sorry..two to read tomorrow . yours is second ...too many on list and got a little confused who was next!

This is a courtesy note to say I haven't forgotten you're on my watchlist, and I promise I will have comments by 21 nov at the absolute latest. Apologies for the delay in getting back to you.

Best

Dan

Hi Kath,

Thanks for your support of The Shot - much appreciated!

I have added your work to my watch list and will get to it ASAP. Might not be until next week, now, so hope you don't mind waiting.

Mary

Yay, thank you. :) No great rush of people on my watchlist at the moment, so hopefully I can get back to reading more Writing The Town Read some time this week.

Hi KS :) I'm not normally that cheeky - it's authonomy that's corrupted me. But thank you and I hope you enjoy the read.

Hi KS, tell you what I will leave this on here a little while after the 5 days is up - if you'll award me a temporary bookshelf space on the basis of it being so popular :)

Dear Kath,

Thanks for encouraging me. It's very kind of you and means a lot to me. I must admit that I've backed everything near the top already anyway. I also think the people further down need all the encouragement they can get, and all the feedback they can get. I will continue trawling for new talent once November's here, as I am now. Despite the criticisms aimed at authonomy sometimes, I think this is a really good place for people to have their writing acknowledged.

R

Dear Kath,

Thanks for your good wishes. I'm getting very nervous. No-one seems to be backing BB any more, which is frightening me, actually. On the other hand, I guess it's only a game.

I'm going to come back to Write the Town Read once this month's over. It's on my watchlist still.

R

no problem. as i said ive a few in front of me so please dont think i havent bothered!

I came here after a message on the forum.

My thoughts are that this starts too slowly. You start the chapter with a huge chunk of telling. You may need the references about her life and how she grew up (but do you need them right here?), but I don't think you need all the stuff about feminism. We know what the issues are. We are all familiar with this stuff. I'd cut it in favour of starting the story.

Later on, you have a fair bit of unassigned dialogue. Sometimes I had trouble figuring out who was speaking. Just add a few tags.

hi answer to your request on forum and from a jane Austen fan! watch listed! Sorry have 10 now so will try not to take too long!

Just read the start of chapter 2 it feels like a good start. I've put you up for a bit to slow your decline a bit and give you some breathing space so you can do a rewrite or shuffle. Good luck.

Hi Katharine: I see the other recent comments now. BTW, have a look at 'Tybalt & Theo' rather than 'Xanadu-du' - much more fun!

Hi KS, thanks for putting me back on watched. I lost a lot of watcher (maybe 8) when I switched covers. Shame they don't do a role over function so you can see what the previous cover or avatar used to be? When you get around to making changes let me know. Your writing is fine but you'll find people like to get straight into the story stream, with character thoughts and back story woven in, rather than in blocks.

Hi Katharine,
I noticed your request on the forum for readers so thought since it's Friday night I would read a bit of this.
I like your writing style which reads very smoothly. However, like some others I wonder whether you should maybe start with chapter 2? There may indeed be some information in chapter 1 that readers need, but this could be worked into the story as it goes along perhaps. I am saying this partly because I always like to have to work things out about characters, instead of being handed information on a plate - I think this increases the suspense.
Hope you don't mind my commenting like this. The theme and plot sound very strong so I think it will be worth working on.
best wishes,
Sheila P.

Hi KS. There's a lot of narration at the start which may be putting people off. My advice would be to simplify that section and try and get into the story faster. Hope that helps. It's only my opinion course. I'm sure others will give you a more detailed comment.

Erm. A couple of things in the first few sentences '...but those were...' - what 'those' are you referring to? 'World of Work' with caps? Not necessary. After reading three or four paras I was thinking 'is this a preamble, your own life history?' I realised later, of course, this is your voice, and quite unusual it is too. But I'm an impatient reader (and this is on-screen Authonomy reading, which makes it worse), and there didn't seem to be any hook in the first chapter. And while you hate me already, there's a typo in your blurb: 'gos' instead of 'goes', Sorry to be so negative. The pitch does seem interesting, but the writing could be improved.

Hi Katherine
i've come to read your book after your plug on the forum. I think you've got the bones of a good book here and you certainly have a story to tell. It does sound very autobiographical, which is appealing, but i also wonder whether it makes your voice quite reflective and that means you sometimes tell us about the backstory or what the character is thinking (that old show don't tell rule). i did think that you could cut out the first part of the first chapter, and just start with the dialogue in the pub. We should be able to pick up the previous info through dialogue and action. I reckon it's worth having quite a good pruning session. I hope this is helpful - all meant in a positive way for a book that has definitely got merit. I'll put you on my watchlist as encouragement
Awen