In the land of Old Wives' Tales

A great idea for a story and one which will be popular with children, I'm sure. I have been told to show more and tell less and I wonder if perhaps this is the same for you, in places? Another thing I was/am(!) guilty of is saying the heroine's name too much - e.g. you have 11 paras starting with Jane in chp 1 so perhaps rephrase some of them and use 'she' more, where applicable? I think this has great promise though and so shelved accordingly, Carolyn.

Hi Robert, there's quite a bit of Alice in Jane. What a neat idea to take old wives' tales and incorporate them into a book. The only suggestion I have is to unblock the paragraphs a bit. Large chunks are difficult on the computer. It will be different when published but on screen, all the words seem to mesh together,
Best wishes, Scott.

I think if you wrote with more scene and less narrative you would find the story taking on a life of it' own. Young girls, who I assume would be your target audience, will be easily be able to relate to Jane. You will have to be careful though not to over use her name. Good luck. C.P

What a wonderful way to incorporate the many, rather silly, things we parents tell our children! Th one concern is that you show Santa/Father Christmas as not being real. If you are gearing this towards children, that will upset those readers who still believe. (I have a 9 and a 10 year old who both still believe.) Perhaps, it could be changed to making a birthday wish and the wish not coming true...that would give children with the innocence to believe the ability to continue in that belief. Shelved.

Fantastic! Only last night I was making up a bedtime story for my little girls about what happened to a little worm who was pulling faces, when the wind changed. I love this. It has a real Alice in Wonderland feel to it, though totally original! The exchanges between the characters are fabulous and I love the literal play on words - the "eleven little girls" remark was priceless!

I read the first four chapters and I think this is really great - my twins would love it! Happy to put this on my shelf.

Rikki

Hi Robert, Very whimsical and once through the crack in the walk, it moved differently but remindful of Alice in Wonderland. The dark that hasn't any shadows if Jane can see in it and where she is on a search for an owl is a more intimidating place. I liked the narrative voice and the conversation with Mr. Somebody. The carrot wive’s tale showed the weird logic in the fantasy place and I was curious to read more of these happenings. Sometimes, there were sentences that delayed the action with explaining, mostly towards the ends of paragraphs. Most of the time, the pace gives the transporting effect. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Robert,

This is very well written and an enjoyable read. There are a few too many Jane usage, in places you can use she instead as we know to whom you’re referring. Other than that I found it a fascinating and original story.

Great characterisation and dialogue. I like your writing style, it was easy to read.

Nice hook at the end of chap 1. Nice pacing in chap 2.

Kids will love this.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Good fresh ideas are thin on the ground here...this is a good idea.
Backed for originality!
Ash
(Shadowknight)

Hi Robert-

What a wonderful premise for a children's book - I can see this becoming a classic - a new spin on old tales!

I've got a couple of things for you to consider - first, I would suggest you section your long intro into multiple paragraphs. For the age group you are writing for, they can digest information in smaller chunks, so it would be key to have your promotional copy in manageable doses. (You may want to consider that in your book paragraphs as well.)

I also saw some punctuation nits - most often inside your quotations. Most of this stuff can be finessed with a good editor, but before you start pitching to agents, you might want to have a fresh set of eyes go through it for you and really fine tune the punctuation.

Otherwise, I like your writing style and love the storyline premise. For the strength of that, I will back this! Best of luck to you...

Kim
Invisible Justice

What a great and original idea, old wives tales. A good start and I will continue to read but on to my shelf for your writing style (which I like) and for its originality.

Thanks for the step up. I will look into sharpening up the introduction in my next revision. Now I need to build my watchlist and start reading!
Thanks again
Robert.

I cannot help but feel I stepped right through the looking glass and into Alice's wonderland. I have read the first two chapters and I found the start of the first chapter a triffle slow. As soon as Jane meets the Old Crone, things get going and together with the story your sense of humour rises.

I happily shelf the story for its first step up the ladder. Have fun!

Peter
Dane Redhill - The Boy That Isn't.

I cannot help but feel I stepped right through the looking glass and into Alice's wonderland. I have read the first two chapters and I found the start of the first chapter a triffle slow. As soon as Jane meets the Old Crone, things get going and together with the story your sense of humour rises.

I happily shelf the story for its first step up the ladder. Have fun!

Peter
Dane Redhill - The Boy That Isn't.