Mulberry and the Tap Dance of the Toads

Wow.

Such an interesting premise to write about. And you've done it so well! Your voice is so playful and unique. It makes me think of faerie tale theatre's version of Cinderella and the three little pigs, if you've ever seen them. So light and friendly and wonderfully refreshing to read. Somehow you made me sympathize with an ugly brown toad. I feel his feelings so well. I really can't say enough good about this wonderful book! And I am still amazed at how natural you made it for me to like this toad, want him to succeed, and understand why Mulberry's venture would eventually lead all the toads to tap dance (even if they are clumsy and have no rhythm)!

I LOVE LOVE LOVED it! Wonderful job!!

I found one typo "his achievements of just twenty minutes earlier had seemed (to) great..."

Definitely shelved, and for awhile too :)

Hi Ben,

As you may have noticed from my bio...i am a school teacher....this means i have read countless children's books and more importantly can gauge whether a book is worth reading or not (based on blank expressions of 5-12 year olds).

This has the makings of a great book!

Love the concept of celebrating spring with dance. All life should be celebrated with dance!

And the poignancy of the fox's tear ...lament for a lost meal.

You have a way of bringing the reader into the story through your meandering (but clear) voice...reminds me so much to Wind in the Willows.

Just some notes

'as you doubtless know' reads clumsily, i would change this especially for a children's book as children will also want to read it to.

Wondering what age group you are aiming for....this is very important....have freinds in publishing children's books and while they would like to add ideas and details of their own, they are aware of the need to not baffle the children with words they are not aware of. An example that comes to mind is 'placate'.

Ben, i am placing this on my shelf and coming back to read more as it is a beautiful concept that you have come up with!

A very positive piece of work that is needed (especially for children)!

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

I think this is the second thing I've read by you. You didn't disappoint. There is a fable quality to "Mulberry" that makes it delightful reading, especially to a youngster. it talks about foolish limits we all set for ourselves. And it takes the hero's quest to transcend those limits. Well done, friend. I am backing this.

Blessings,

Jay Squires
"Eddie and the Boxcar Painter"
"Keeping Score"

MULBERRY AND THE TAP DANCE OF THE TOADS

delightful story, and to my ear at least, a lovely old fashioned feel to the voice. This is competent, intelligent writing for children. What a joy to read a story that is not afraid to expand children's vocabulary, and use longer complex sentences. Well done indeed. Backed with pleasure.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

PS: Given the quality of oyur writing, we would really appreciate your thoughts on our book "Graemor" if you have a moment to spare. Many thanks.

MULBERRY AND THE TAP DANCE OF THE TOADS

delightful story, and to my ear at least, a lovely old fashioned feel to the voice. This is competent, intelligent writing for children. What a joy to read a story that is not afraid to expand children's vocabulary, and use longer complex sentences. Well done indeed. Backed with pleasure.

J&M Jensen
(Graemor)

This is such good fun - and the allegories worthwile. Shelved.

This is a great story to read aloud to children but more than that, for me, is the psychology of the journey itself, the realisation that the journey isn't going to be enough to report to the toads back at home, and the need to go onwards and experience more. Fascinating stuff and for the adult theme, as well as the charming children's tale, this is going straight onto myself.

Just a couple of points - feint is not synonymous with faint (bee speaking in Chapter 2) and later in that chapter, you say of the bee, 'She returned to its important work collecting nectar for the hive.' Either her or the would be better than its, but these are very minor points and don't detract from a charming story.

Very best wishes
Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

I really like this! Cute and flows well but also has philosophical undertones that resonated with me.
Great cover too.
Shelved and good luck.

Comments on Chapters 1 and 2...

An unlikely hero with an unlikely name... Interesting choice of voice, an intrusive narrator, but it works well for me here. See if you can ease up a little on the back-story at the start of chapter 1. It's well written, and the voice holds the interest, but I can imagine little ones wanting the story to get started.

The only other quibbles I had were with the way you have set it out. Young minds like shorter sentences. I think it might also be a good idea to break up some of the larger paragraphs: they present as daunting blocks of text, even for the slightly older reader.

Overall, it's a promising beginning, and I'm happy to give you a boost with a spell on my shelf.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Mulberry...

It's difficult to step back from the charm of this book to provide constructive criticism, but I'll try.

First, I do hope the person who said that animal personification stories are out of fashion is wrong, wrong, wrong, but since I know nothing about the children's market, I can't even guess. (Abuse stories are out of fashion, too, and some people think my story is an abuse story, so I might be affected by a similar fashion trend.) However, I do think that a top notch story can make it past the obstacle of a fashion trend, or lack thereof.

As one of my writing mentors says, "Good writing is good writing regardless of genre." Not that I'm saying you're writing isn't really good by mentioning things that might make it better. Quite the opposite. I love this story and I really like your writing.

Watch out for word repetitions (e.g., 'now' was one I found...in a way, that particular word repetition is charming, because it's the way that someone telling the story aloud might tell it, but if you're to counteract the lack of a trend, I think you have to ensure that the writing meets top-notch standards, and word repetitions are dangerous territory.)

Tighten the writing: look for places where you can remove repetitive ideas (e.g., telling and then showing, or ideas which are too closely related), and keep the freshest way you've said the idea. You'll probably find many such places because all of us can.

Avoid the Starting Syndrome (this is one of your favourites). He begins, or starts to do something---always stronger to have the character (or thing, e.g., rain) do the thing than have them start to do it.

Avoid italics for emphasis. This might be acceptable in children's literature, however. Generally, italics for emphasis indicate either weak writing, and the phrasing should be changed, or they're simply unnecessary. Read the phrase or sentence aloud several times, placing the emphasis on a different word each time. Often, you'll find that the meaning won't change, in which case, you allow the reader to make that contribution. If the meaning changes in a way that doesn't work for you, change the wording rather than use the italics.\

I would ensure that your sentence lengths, paragraphing and vocabularly are at the right level for your target audience, and since there are writing craft books on virtually every topic, perhaps there are even books on this particular topic. Words like minute, hibernation, presently, etc., might be at a higher level than they should be for your audience. I really have no idea, of course, but it's something to think about.

You have a lot of narrative in your opening chapter, and I don't know if this is good or bad for the type of story you're telling. This story feels as though it's meant to be TOLD in the old-fashioned sense of a storyteller almost inventing a story to his or her child as s/he goes along, and those types of stories (I seem to recall) have a lot of narrative. But if trends in your genre are anything like trends in other adult genres, agents will be looking for more actual scenes than narrative.

Almost always avoid adverbs: they tell, they prop up weak verbs, and they rob you of the opportunity to add something really fresh and profound. Besides, at least in adult genres, editors and agents dislike them.

This is a beautiful story and one which I would love to read aloud to my favourite children simply to see the delight on their faces...and I'm sure there would be a lot!

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

I shall be watching Mulberry. Lovely idea.

You have a great voice in this story and it pulled me in quickly. I love that you are taking an animal that isn't considered all that lovable and making the Toad seem like an animal worth getting to know. Happy to Shelve.

Melissa

This story has a lovely old fashoned (in a nice way) feel...good old values with a solid treatment. Children will love it.
Shelved

Hi Ben,

As you may have noticed from my bio...i am a school teacher....this means i have read countless children's books and more importantly can gauge whether a book is worth reading or not (based on blank expressions of 5-12 year olds).

This has the makings of a great book!

Love the concept of celebrating spring with dance. All life should be celebrated with dance!

And the poignancy of the fox's tear ...lament for a lost meal.

You have a way of bringing the reader into the story through your meandering (but clear) voice...reminds me so much to Wind in the Willows.

Just some notes

'as you doubtless know' reads clumsily, i would change this especially for a children's book as children will also want to read it to.

Wondering what age group you are aiming for....this is very important....have freinds in publishing children's books and while they would like to add ideas and details of their own, they are aware of the need to not baffle the children with words they are not aware of. An example that comes to mind is 'placate'.

Ben, i am placing this on my shelf and coming back to read more as it is a beautiful concept that you have come up with!

A very positive piece of work that is needed (especially for children)!

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Well, you are definitel a writer after my own heart. Talking animals, a mission, and in there subtly a life lesson. I love your voice in this, the narrator style appeals to the reader and Mulberry is endearing and quite believable.

Waggledance? What a great name and description all in one.

I also love the idea of having a greatest toad that ever was.

Good luck with this. I am told anthropomorphic animals are not the current flavour in children's writing, but I am sure this story will help to change that opinion.

Backed with pleasure.

I am an animal enthusiast and love the fact that you have given Mulberry a great identity. Many people don't like this but I love it. This is unique, this a great name and an excellent pitch. Your cover first drew me in but once i started reading I didnt want to stop.
There are a few lengthy paragraphs that could be cut down but other than that this was a thoroughly enjoyable read.
:)
On my shelf.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Wow.

Such an interesting premise to write about. And you've done it so well! Your voice is so playful and unique. It makes me think of faerie tale theatre's version of Cinderella and the three little pigs, if you've ever seen them. So light and friendly and wonderfully refreshing to read. Somehow you made me sympathize with an ugly brown toad. I feel his feelings so well. I really can't say enough good about this wonderful book! And I am still amazed at how natural you made it for me to like this toad, want him to succeed, and understand why Mulberry's venture would eventually lead all the toads to tap dance (even if they are clumsy and have no rhythm)!

I LOVE LOVE LOVED it! Wonderful job!!

I found one typo "his achievements of just twenty minutes earlier had seemed (to) great..."

Definitely shelved, and for awhile too :)

Ben,

I love this! Your writing flows and flows and I'm imagining reading it out loud to one of my grandkids - great humor - such an ambitious toad is Mulberry. I'm imagining you'll run into the same kind of comments I get for To Save the Sun - tas you mentioned in your comments (thanks, by the way) but we all want to educate and if you dumb down what does it get you. Keep on raising the bar! Shelved. CW

Sweet, charming, insightful without pretension and filled with a love for creatures and the environment. I've just let little Mulberry waddle onto my shelf... :-)

I love Mulberry! Such a delightful and beautiful read - backed with pleasure.

Hi Ben,

This is a unique piece of work. It’s a delightful tale that kids will love. Who wouldn’t love Mulberry?

Your prose is tight and easy to read. It’s not only hard giving animals an identity but it’s even harder to make such an idea convincing but you brought the story and the characters to life. I would split the thick paragraphs in chap 3.

This was an enjoyable read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Thank you very much for your kind and insightful comments. I will certainly make the fox pregnant, as it were, and will tweak where the toads spend the winter. thank you for taking the time to read it!
Best wishes,
Ben

You do choose beautiful words. They are descriptive and rhythmic. Paint the page nicely. There was a lot of narrative though. In the first chapter not one scene. (Though the narrative is well done). I also think some children may find you sentence a bit long. Formidable. As an adult I found them a bit long. It is an easy fix, make one sentence into two. As for your toad though aptly described, I thought they buried down deep in the mud to survive the winter. And foxes don't have their kits (not cubs) until the spring. But she can have the same difficulties, just as a pregnant fox. Hope this is helpful. You have a lovely story, if you didn't I wouldn't have spent time on it. I will dust a place off on my shelf for it. C.P

Thanks so much! very kind and helpful. I will definitely remove any excess waddling and fortuitousness.
And I am very much looking forward to reading yours - which I will do as soon as this week is over - I am in the midst of a slightly hectic week.
Thanks again,
Ben

Ben, this is wonderful. The story of Mulberry's adventures is enchanting, full of old-world charm and humorous speculation. I like the pondering narrative voice, the reluctance to speak for Mulberry's state of mind and the frequent recalls to the present scene, awaiting the tap dance of the toads.

There's a fascination with M.'s pychological processes pervading this and it's often disarmingly perceptive: the replacement of his pride at climbing the hill with hunger for more adventure, the acuteness of self-hatred in the absence of an opponent, his temptation to blame the bee for his suffering. You insist on the nature of animals determining how they behave, but in Mulberry's deviance from the norm you raise important questions about human behaviour, thought processes and emotions. This and the philosophical undertow (Mulberry climbing the hill like Plato's prisoner emerging from cave and seeing what's really out there beneath the sunlight) lift it out of children's book, Wind in the Willows territory. I think it can appeal to adults and children. They will take different things from it.

Your ms is pretty flawless. Typo in ch 1 'seem(s)' near the end. Ch2 'now this was said more out of politeness', needs new sentence. The voice is endearing and engaging but I'm particularly impressed by those moments when lyrical description overtakes it, such as of the Moor's capriciousness.

One thing- Mulberry does an awful lot of 'waddling' and there quite a few 'fortuitous' moments. These are important words for Mulberry and for the narrator, but I wouldn't have too much repetition in the first three chapters.

Anyway, small niggle. This is great stuff and I shall display it proudly on my shelf.

Venetia
The Palabra Feracori

The Marco Polo of toads eh? A lot of people on here have trouble with anyone daring to give animals thoughts. My Shakespeares Cuthbert was heavilly criticised but it has reached No 6. Your book is daring, perceptive and clever and it deserves to do very well. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

You do choose beautiful words. They are descriptive and rhythmic. Paint the page nicely. There was a lot of narrative though. In the first chapter not one scene. (Though the narrative is well done). I also think some children may find you sentence a bit long. Formidable. As an adult I found them a bit long. It is an easy fix, make one sentence into two. As for your toad though aptly described, I thought they buried down deep in the mud to survive the winter. And foxes don't have their kits (not cubs) until the spring. But she can have the same difficulties, just as a pregnant fox. Hope this is helpful. You have a lovely story, if you didn't I wouldn't have spent time on it. I will dust a place off on my shelf for it. C.P

First of all, a great title which drew me immediately to look at your book. I have read all three chapters, love your descriptions and the natural history woven into the story. It is difficult to comment usefully on what has been posted because I don't know where you are taking me with this tale in a few chapters. I wonder which age group you aim for with this. I think the title will draw younger readers but your 'voice' telling the story is much more sophisticated. There is also little dialogue at the beginning which may not hold children's attention span. Having said all this, I do believe you have the makings of a promising story which you offer in a creative, imaginative style. On my shelf so that others might read it. Margaret.
The Spirit of the Butterfly &
Candles in the Garden.