Barrier Frank

This is unique, well written, and structured perfectly. The prologue (at least I call it a prologue) sets up this story beautifully, then we get right into the two characters who I assume are literally going to be Hell to deal with: Caleb and Eden. And I can tell already that Frank is a strong character.
What's not to like?
I'm shelving.
Mark

First of all your pitch is intriguing, then you manage to pull it off with flying colors. I liked your characters immediately. The interesting combination of angels and demons (with the demon being the sympathizer) as well as every day folk is awesome and at the end of the chapter I know this is only the beginning. Up on my shelf for sure. :o)
Stauna

I am in complete and total awe. This is just...amazing. There is nothing I can say to describe to you how completely awesome this novel is. I can say without a doubt that you have started writing a best-selling trilogy that the world will love. Such twists! Such heart-wrenching moments and poor Frank! Oh, how awesome!

Love it!

Shelby

Chapter 3 comment for you!

Before I get to a suggestion of mine, I would like to point out that this is so intriguing, I could read all night long. If only I didn't have to work in the morning!

I want to point out something. Where the boys are on the train, you divulge a lot of information about the Barrier. While that is all good and fine, it was a lot to take it. I hope that you continue to revisit that information somehow so that if you reference it in the future, readers won't go, "Huh?" I hope I'm making myself clear. It's just that so much information is hard to retain unless it is repeated a couple of times. I'm not saying that you should repeat those exact words or anything, just have instances where Frank has to remember what Smithy and Duke said to him. Hope that made sense.

Heartstarters remind me of Firewhiskey from HP. Is that where you got the idea from?

Smithy and Duke's little part there where they were discussing Churchill and others was just brilliant. It brought a sort of reality feeling to the chapter :]

Overall, I really did enjoy this chapter. Frank has so many underlying issues and he is just so...real. The Barrier is absolutely fantastic and I can't wait to read Chapter 4!

^_^

Shelby

This is great. Very good idea and pacy. It makes you want to read on. I love the way you introduce us to a number of characters straight away and of course one wants to know just how they are all interconnected so it grabs you straight off. Love it. Shelved.
Hilary Waters (The Piazza)

Oh my gosh. I read all your chapters yesterday i just couldn't log off. I can't wait to read the rest. Reading your book caused me to signup on this site. You are one of my favs.
Bella

This is great. I love the title and the cover, both drew me over to it, not to mention the short pitch, a real kicker it is. You do a good job setting this up. A fantastic and unique idea that seemed familiar but was still very different all in itself. You do a wonderful job with Frank, he is real and even has flaws which made him more engaging and believable. You have a very descriptive nature to your narrative. Makes me think of my own opening and how people tell me to par down the description a lot. I like it. It sets the tone and allows the reader to get the mood of the book. I like books like this and this lives up to the standard that I read at home. Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is amazing. Fantasy is what i read and if a book cant keep me interested more then one chapter i stop reading it. This was good from the first to the last word. I think i actually felt physical pain when it ended. I need to read the rest so you should hurry up and write it. Loved it. Keep doing what you doing.

I am hooked. Are there any more chapters to post?

“I once heard a story about a man.”

From “Once upon a time...” backwards and forwards through Ovid, Aesop and anyone else you care to name, this sort of opening and the delightful homily that follows has always been a winner.Worth reading just for that cautionary half-tale. And a perfect set-up for what is to follow.

And just look at what is to follow by this similarly superb opening piece of writing:

“The city lights silhouetted the heavy rain drops as they fell from the sky. People clutching umbrellas and pulling their jackets closed made their way up and down the streets as quickly as possible. They hugged the walls of the buildings in the hope that the splashes from the passing cars wouldn't reach them. A rumble of thunder stretched out across the area before being accompanied by the traditional lighting that weaved in and out of the clouds. The storm was directly above.”

But there is a story here too to be enjoyed:

““What is this place?” the words drifted out of Frank's mouth without him knowing.
“The Barrier,” Smithy said simply.
“The what?”
“The Barrier; it's what separates Heaven and Hell from Earth. The afterlife.” he explained.”

And that is not the only surprise in store for Frank:

““WHOA! You got a screwdriver sticking in your head!” Frank yelped and pointed to the yellow handled piece of metal that was indeed protruding from the back of Smithy's skull.”

Which is nothing compared to:

““She?! Lucifer's a woman?”
“Surprised?”
“Actually...considering my past relationships, no,” Frank said honestly. Just about everything else he believed had been flipped on it's ass in the space of about ten minutes, why not that as well?”

And pales into insignificance next to:

“He had never seen a more beautiful creature in his whole life.
She was at least six feet tall, possibly taller and was moving so effortlessly it reminded him of the way a shark could glide through water. Her hair was rich brown colour and looked like it should be used for a L'Oreal advert. She had smooth, flawless skin that could have been naturally airbrushed by an artist and her emotionless face was just as perfectly crafted. She wore a white top and trousers that had a very light blue tint. They hugged her body and made her incredible figure all the more apparent to everyone.
Her wings, the size of a pair of canoes were tucked against her back and must have reached at least twenty-five to thirty feet when unfolded. The most hypnotizing part was that their elegantly groomed fathers seemed to be giving off a subtle but alluring glow.
She was, for lack of a better word, perfect.”

A most engaging read. Shelved.

Good premise. But Sammy I have to say your strength is in your scenes. The beginning is well written but as a reader I became far more involved when the dialogue began. You have some good quips. The strong conversation makes the action of butting out his cigarette on the antique desk all the sweeter. On my shelf for awhile. C.P

Wonderful prose which flowed well and a delight to read.

A very interesting and unique story and will read on if I ever have time!

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Well, first of all I've gotta say that you're the best at picking character's names ;) So good job with that!!
But seriously, this is so cool. I love the intro and the idea is great. At first, I'll admit that it seemed passive and told more than showed, but once you got to the dialogue and showed us the characters more, that wasn't a problem anymore. I think you've got a good grip on what you want to convey, and it's a kickass story, so go on and tell it. I would just advise going over the first chapter a bit (before the dialogue) and editing and tightening things up a bit.
Because your writing is good and the story rocks, this is on my shelf. I wish you the best of luck with this!!

-Eden / The Abandoned Edge of Avalon

I like your idea here, the prologue sets up the book nicely. Your work flows well and your scenes are described nicely. I like this very much and think it is a story that has a lot of potential and a very big market to sell to. I have made a few notes on chapter 1 for you to take or throw.

Ch1

'This made the angel truly sad because she knew; he would have to return to Earth with no memory of Heaven or [of?] her.' (I think the semi colon would work better after 'sad' if you omit 'because'. I think there should be an 'of' before her as well)

'...but, unfortunately, that wasn't so.' (Not sure if the 'unfortunately quite makes sense)

'...they didn't like water. It probably...' (I'm uncertain who 'they' is)

'He caught another whiff of it...' (When was the first instance?)

'Franks fiddle with...' (A stray S on the end of Frank here)

'The fridge light flickered slightly as the door opened.' (Lose slightly, adverbs are bad!)

'...a soft smack...' (Oxymoron, perhaps another word would work better)

'Now it was only seven years...' (The only implies seven years is short, it's not!)

'...mumbled...commented...spelled out...remarked...' (I understand what you are trying to do here, but it makes it obvious that you've done it to he avoid saying, 'Ryan said, Scott said etc.' Maybe try adding some text in between the dialogue to avoid it completely ie: '...you rushed into that.' Frank looked hurt. 'That's because I thought we were in love.' Hopefully you see what I mean)

'..jerked to and dragged to the left.' (The first 'to' could go)

Overall the writing is good but there are instances where a sentence has more than it needs to convey what it is saying. An example of this is, 'About twenty minutes and a few thousand gallons of rain after the tyre had blown; ...' which is good, except you don't need 'after the tyre had blown;' because the reader will assume that anyway. If you scan through, you should notice a few other instances where a sentence could be trimmed to make it extra good.

On the strength of the idea and the overall professionalism of the writing, I have backed this.

Andrew

I love Frank and the fact he's pulled into this war between Heaven and Hell. Just an ordinary guy and then some shit like this happens. Also love the fact Satan's a she. haha. WL.

Barrier Frank
S L J Shortt
Hi Sammy,
“Good evening Mr. Ambassador, may I take your jacket?” the man asked politely.

“No, get your own,” Caleb remarked in a South African accent as he walked past him, pushing the wooden door open.

I love that, unfortunately I had to wait to long to find it. You are telling too much and showing too little. Try to revamp and make that your opening line. Use the first part as a prologue. Put it above the words Chapter 1 and it won’t mess up the numbers – that’s a site thing.
Leave only one space between paragraphs it looks better.
I will come back and look again.
Troodo.
The Rose of Gildvadane.

Here are a few nits and suggestions.

Prologue.

, but he was kind, brave, loving and loyal.

Upon arriving in Heaven, he was greeted by an Angel who told him he would never have to be afraid or feel pain or sadness ever again. But that wasn't true, because the moment he laid eyes on that Angel he fell in love with her.

Then news arrived.

This made the Angel truly sad because she knew he would have to return to Earth with no memory of Heaven or her.

raindrops

Chapter 1.

New York City



The city lights silhouetted the heavy raindrops as they fell from the sky. People clutching umbrellas and pulling their jackets closed made their way up and down the streets as quickly as possible. They hugged the walls of the buildings in the hope that the splashes from the passing cars wouldn't reach them. A rumble of thunder stretched out across the area before being accompanied by the traditional lighting that weaved in and out of the clouds. The storm was directly above.

Okay, finally had a chance to take a look. I think your premise/story is the real strength here. It's a sweet notion and put together well.....i.e. I like the characters, the narrative, etc. If I have any "complaint" (I use the term loosely), it's that some of the sentences are a bit awkward in the reading. The content is fine, but as I read it the flow seemed to be interrupted some. May be just me.

Good Read!

Lockjaw

I am here in regards to our agreed upon swap read. I really liked the premise and the set up. Very original and caught my interest to read more.

Really liked the short pitch but not the long pitch.

My only niggle is that maybe you could shorten the intro chapter, if only so you can pull in the reader quicker. Outside of that, this is outstanding.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Your pitch for Barrier Frank is one of the best I've come across, Sammy. I particularly liked the bit where you deal with the problems Frank may face while trying to save his sister - the nymphomaniac demon huntresses and the hypnotically beautiful but bitter fallen angel, Cyra. Your writing delivers exceptionally well: it's flawless; your characterisation is a powerful hook and one really does want to know where it's all going. Backed with pleasure and good luck on publication, which I'm sure you'll get. Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Barrier Frank--
I'm here returning the read - thank you for your support of Riley's Gift. Much appreciated.
Fantasy isn't my normal genre, but YA is. I'm not sure I have much to offer you in way of critique...however I will say I think you've got great writing skills. Obviously your dialog is stellar *wink*.
I could picture you characters and your scenes...it flows very well.
I did noticed just a few things...

“Caleb had a great many things that he would have liked to say to her but he forced himself to keep them inside. Launching a volley of verbal insults at her would only cinfirm that she could get under his skin.” --- a little wordy, I would condense down a tad, to make it flow better.. read it out loud to yourself. The sentences before are paced very well, this one kind of halts it slightly. (totally my opinion)

The last sentence caught me off guard, “A white blinding flash, burning jolt of pain….”
I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey… it might just be me. Read it out loud.

Maybe this would be a little more concise:
A blinding white flash over him sent a jolt of pain searing the air from his lungs. The next thing he knew he was sailing away from the car (don’t want to say ‘air’ again) … watching the headlights fade into blackness.

I was just playing around with it… it’s your work…take it or leave it.
I think it's a great story and one that your target audience will love!
Good luck with it.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Barrier Frank

Hi Sammy, I really like your style, simple words, complex ideas, references to nicotine patches and angels in the same chapter might actually be a literary first. So much to like here, the key bit for me is the strength of the characters, weird, wonderful, unique and special though this story will be it is the characters, particularly Frank,. that make it. Wonderful stuff, great prologue curtain-raiser on what is to follow. This must go far, best wishes - Andrew W. (Sanctuary's Loss)

This is unique, well written, and structured perfectly. The prologue (at least I call it a prologue) sets up this story beautifully, then we get right into the two characters who I assume are literally going to be Hell to deal with: Caleb and Eden. And I can tell already that Frank is a strong character.
What's not to like?
I'm shelving.
Mark

Imagination! Love it! Tongue in cheek, let's turn the whole idea of the afterlife on its head! You are shelved!

I'm in two minds about this (well, I am a Gemini). One of me says, it's been done before (but then every book and every ideas has pretty much been done before); the narration is a bit OTT in the first chapter and that intro needs to go. We need to know this character's world straight away. Another part of me loves the whole premise and pitch and of course as we all know, these days, that's what sells books - not only to the public, but to the guys who have to sell it to Smiths and Waterstones and the like. So I dived into chapter 11 at random and realised this is just not a book I can get my head round, but many would. I's not my genre, but what I consistently try to do on this site is back books which I think will work for their genre, not just for me. I try to eradicate all judgement and think what do people want? And I think people will want this book. So shelved with pleasure after all that!

SL,

This was a very solid chapter, that really allowed us to meet and get to know your characters. I found them all intriguing from the demon and angel at the start to Frank and his sister, Sarah. The pacing was good and there was enough action to keep the reader engaged. I really like the time you spent to develop the characters. I'm partial to character driven stories, so you hooked me. I've had those weeks like poor Frank is having. Next time you'll have me worried about lightning.

I did notice quite a few grammatical errors and word choice errors. You might have someone at home take a red pen to a printed copy for you. Other than that, it was a well written, powerful read.

On my shelf,

ML

SL

Here after your plea in the forum. My comments here are only my opinion. You're free to do with it as you wish.
First of all, your pitch. I notice an errant comma (after 'alike'). There's also a typo (therefor should be therefore). I'd like to have a clearer idea of what's at stake for Frank in the story. I like the concept, but halfway through the pitch, the focus switches from Frank to his sister. I don't understand the last paragraph and what a coup d'etat has to dowith the story as presented.
In the chapter, I think the writing could be more lively, especially in the beginning. There is a lot of straight narration, where the reader is presented with facts in a stand-offish, dry manner. I'd advocate getting rid of the section in italics and mention Caleb's name in the very first sentences. I like to experience things with the character, and feel and see what he sees.

Great stuff - like the idea, like the characters. Very good hook as well. Its shelved.

Rikki

First of all your pitch is intriguing, then you manage to pull it off with flying colors. I liked your characters immediately. The interesting combination of angels and demons (with the demon being the sympathizer) as well as every day folk is awesome and at the end of the chapter I know this is only the beginning. Up on my shelf for sure. :o)
Stauna

Hi Sammy!

I'm not sure how you ended up on my WL, but I'm so glad you did! Usually, I make notes of typos, or suggestions for changes as I read a story - however, I was enjoying the premise of yours so much I decided just to read it for pleasure. The only suggestions I have are to give it a good editing, and trim some unnecessary stuff from Chapter One to improve the flow - other than that, I think you're off to a great start. Shelved!

~Traci

Barrier Frank - Shortt

Not bad at all! I like it. Shelved.

Kind regards
Ann

Sammy, both chapters 9 & 10 were just...wicked. I'm getting to that point in the story that unless I have a little criticism, I can only say that this is amazing. A best seller, for sure.

Love it!

Shelby

Hi Sammy

I was walking along the beach today with my wife and she was explaining to me how mathematics can be applied to prove that there isn't a God. The discussion went on for some time...but i digress. The reason i say this was i then began to read your book after agreeing a swap. The concept of what happens to someone after they die has always been something of much conjecture.

Therefore, I was excited about reading your book.

Your synopsis was compelling ..... the much debated views on whether suicide is a way out of a worthless life or a waste of a life, therefore hell is fascinating....but you lighten the mood with the mention of the characters in the synopsis...i was glad of this, as it was beginning to sound a bit too heavy for a young adult novel...

Your introduction to the book was beautiful...the story of the man and the angel falling in love made me sit upright.

Great characters in Caleb and Eden....the interchange between both gives us an idea of the pecking order...and then you bring in Frank...who i liked...just note that you wrote 'Franks fiddled with his fingers..' remove the 's' from his name.

Also noted in your synopsis should be 'neither' and 'therefore'...easily done!! ;)

Sammy, this is a great read and one i will be placing on my shelf in the meantime....i will be back to read more.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Damn...damn.

I know my comments keep getting shorter and shorter, but only because this keeps getting better and better! I don't want to stop reading! Such fantastic scenes! That first one with the crab Demon-thingy was hilarious! "...Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee..." - Aha, that was great!

Sammy, I can't tell you enough how truly awesome this is! ^_^

Shelby

I am in complete and total awe. This is just...amazing. There is nothing I can say to describe to you how completely awesome this novel is. I can say without a doubt that you have started writing a best-selling trilogy that the world will love. Such twists! Such heart-wrenching moments and poor Frank! Oh, how awesome!

Love it!

Shelby

Back...again.

HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP! /fangirl moment

Yeah, sorry about that! You just twisted the story all to hell! Oh my goodness, I cannot wait to get to the next chapter! Frank is alive?! That is brilliantly...brilliant! You built the suspense nicely in the chapter to end it in such a shocking twist! Awesome!

Amazing!

Shelby

Wow, I'm on a roll today!

Thought this chapter was just as amazing as the others. Quick thing though, after rebirth and death, a human comes back in a different body. Sure, they remember their past lives, as you've told us, but how would someone who stays in the Barrier remember them if they look different? I ask this because of the Smithy/Chris thing. Maybe I'm being thick-headed and it actually makes perfect sense.

Really, this was a superb chapter! I was hoping for a good action scene, but you left me hanging!

Shelby

Sammy,

I'm reading this because you recently read and commented on The It! Refugees, by the lovely Dania.

I love your short pitch. The long pitch expands on it, but I think could be tidied up a little (for example I'd delete 'both' and 'the ultiamte goal of' from the third paragraph, therefore[e] in the final paragraph has the last 'e' missing, ect).

I love the prologue, especially the last line reveal that the narrator is an angel.

I like your storm in the first paragraph, but shouldn't the lightning come before the thunder?

There's mystery as Caleb visits Eden, but also some confusion amongst the foreshadowing (the paragraph beginning some people actually thought that they didn't like water, left me a little perplexed, I wasn't sure who "they" were). Then there's assumed knowledge that the reader doesn't have, a little of this is okay to build tension, but I felt perhaps you overdid it . . .

The conversation between Caleb and Eden, and the uneasy working relationship, is well done.

The cut to Frank and his famil proceed smoothly and there's tension in his conversation with his sister.

Then there's a slow build, through one mishap after another, to the inevitable end of the chapter. This is well done, though I think the build up could be trimmed a little, in particular the scene where Frank is with his friends was a little slow for me.

I've enjoyed this and shall give it a spin on my shelf.

Wooh, Chapter 4 ^_^

Not to much going on in this chapter, but it still intrigued the hell outta me. I mean, seriously, there is just something that I can't quite put my finger on that just makes me want more out of this. I don't know what I'll do if I run out of chapters to read!

So, Frank talked to an Angel and he wasn't supposed to, the daredevil :P I thought the interaction between the Angel and Frank was just excellent. Great dialogue, not overly dramatic.

Fantastic!

Shelby

Chapter 3 comment for you!

Before I get to a suggestion of mine, I would like to point out that this is so intriguing, I could read all night long. If only I didn't have to work in the morning!

I want to point out something. Where the boys are on the train, you divulge a lot of information about the Barrier. While that is all good and fine, it was a lot to take it. I hope that you continue to revisit that information somehow so that if you reference it in the future, readers won't go, "Huh?" I hope I'm making myself clear. It's just that so much information is hard to retain unless it is repeated a couple of times. I'm not saying that you should repeat those exact words or anything, just have instances where Frank has to remember what Smithy and Duke said to him. Hope that made sense.

Heartstarters remind me of Firewhiskey from HP. Is that where you got the idea from?

Smithy and Duke's little part there where they were discussing Churchill and others was just brilliant. It brought a sort of reality feeling to the chapter :]

Overall, I really did enjoy this chapter. Frank has so many underlying issues and he is just so...real. The Barrier is absolutely fantastic and I can't wait to read Chapter 4!

^_^

Shelby

Shelved..This is highly readable and eminently entertaining.
Just the thing for ANOTHER wet summer afternoon.
LOTS of luck with it...........Cheers......Mikey (The Free)

Very original twist on timeless topics and you mixed genres very well. The pitch brought me in you pulled off very well what is quite an ambitious idea.
Also liked the bit of humor with things such as “you have an open mind”. Good characterization and dynamics.
No nitpicks.
Shelved and good luck
Dania (The It! refugee)

This is great. Very good idea and pacy. It makes you want to read on. I love the way you introduce us to a number of characters straight away and of course one wants to know just how they are all interconnected so it grabs you straight off. Love it. Shelved.
Hilary Waters (The Piazza)

Back again to comment on Chapter 2!

That is one helluva way to picture the afterlife, that's for sure. I love your perspective, especially about Lucifer being a woman - that's classic! I'm not so fond of the idea of working in the afterlife, but from the way you've described the Barrier, you could do whatever you wanted.

So, I saw a few grammatical errors, nothing huge.

I thorougly enjoyed this chapter. It was very intriguing and just so...awesome.

^_^

Shelby

Hi Sammy, An amazing system you’ve presented here! The prologue was almost deceptive in its simplicity. I was a little confused with the Angel (Lucifer?) and the Damned goatee man, especially the paragraph “Some people actually thought they didn’t like water…” I had a clue that I was in a different sphere there. The “she” coming in with a name also made me go back again. But the scene in the weather room was clever and I enjoyed the offbeat dialogue. Frank was introduced well and that part sailed along for me. The afterlife system explained is quite fascinating, rounding up so many speculations. Having things explained made me want to continue reading to see what Frank's fate is. And to see the barrier system working. Fun quirky dialogue and panoramic – Shelved. Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Your premise is terrific. The tale of redemption is always powerful. And I like your delivery in the first chapter, although you may want to back off from all the religious references -- you want to make the point, but not be overly heavy-handed in doing it. Your dialogue is very good, true to the characters. I am going to put this on my watchlist and return to read more later. I hope that both of us find our way to shelving each other's books.

Nice synopses and some pretty nice writing. Try to replace as many of the "ly" adverbs with actions that allow the reader to see and feel what your characters are seeing and feeling. This is on my shelf.

Rodney

Hey, Shelby here :]

You know, I always believed that you could do no better than Colossus. I saw Colossus as the be-all-end-all type of story. I always thought your writing could get no better. Man, I was wrong. I'm seriously in awe here. I don't know what in the heck possessed you to write this, but let's hope it keeps up!

I did see a few grammatical mistakes/typos, but not nearly as many as I've seen from you. I loved the opening scene and how you slowly revealed exactly what Caleb and Eden were/are. Your descriptions have gotten ten times better than those I've seen before. The characterizations of Frank and Sarah are just excellent. A reader notices the flaws and the real-life situations that they characters find themselves caught in the middle of.

Frank and Sarah's disturbed pasts really intrigued me. All I have is a small glimpse of what was and an even smaller glimpse of what is to come. The suspense in this chapter isn't obvious, for me anyway, but it isn't so subtle as to completely disinterest readers.

I noticed below that it bothers some readers with the dialogue tags, but in all honesty, I think that really made some of the pieces of dialogue pop, so to speak.

It's truly amazing to see your writing transform from the beginnings of Colossus to Barrier Frank. Sammy, this is a masterpiece and I expect to see it on a bookshelf very soon.

^_^

Always your biggest fan,
Shelby

I think this story has a lot going for it. I love the intro, I started reading it the other night, but I kept cutting out. So I’m back now to read some more.
When asked how the no smoking was going, you don’t need: he lied. The following answer told us he was lying. Be careful of your dialogue tags, you can’t laugh dialogue or breathe it or giggle it.
I love the dialogue itself though, it’s excellent really authentic.
You have reeled me in with this, definitely a book I would read to the end.
Immediately frank got hit, I began to worry about his sister.
I’m not sure if I shelved this the other night, but I’ll do it again just incase.
Good luck with this, I think it will do well.
Sue (A Boy Called George)

Hello SL,


I would love to read this book to the end, but I am settling for three chapters tonight. It is on a fascinating premise and you did a good job crafting it so well. Rightly backed.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Like the story line, pace is good, a well written fantasy. I was well hooked very early on, and although meanig to just read two or three chapters had to finish them all. glad to have this on my shelf. this should do well.

Just finished. Bravo! More please...

Barrier Frank...

Okay. Your pitch is wonderful (wish I could write a pitch like that, but I'm pitch-challenged). Your premise is wonderful, too. And you know how to make your story move forward. Great stuff!

But you can make it even better. First, your spelling needs some help (bear instead of bare, for example). Not to worry, because some geniuses can't spell worth a damn...hey! maybe you're one of them!) Punctuation, too. Plus some tightening (eliminating extra and unnecessary words.) For these three things, a good writer's group will help.

Then you need to take a look at Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (one of my many writing craft 'bibles.') Talks about adverbs, for example, and why not to use them. A really great book for beginners and experts alike.

I love your story and would love to see it published. You can bump it up from good to excellent so damn easily.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

Me likey your cover.

Backed because after reading ch1 you've got me. Thats buggered up my working day and I am now going to have to read the rest of this. Thanks! ;-)
David
Green Ore

This was a pretty fun read. There's certainly a great sense of humor here, and a nice serious plot as well.

I do think it still needs a little polishing. Right in the second line, for example "anyway" should be two words, "any way." And some of the dialogue, and the random info-dump about demons and angels as we're reading the second bit, is a bit awkward, you could stand to tighten that up a bit and pare out any information that isn't completely necessary, or that you could fill in later.

My $0.02 on this. :) If you can clean up the rough spots it'll be a really terrific book, but I had fun reading it even with them, so I'll give it a shelving.