The Jade Bracelet

Ch. 2- "Where I come from women were pants," needs to be "Where I come from women wear pants,".

Good points by Gauis, but I enjoyed it, too. Enough said.

Barry

Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Lovely pitch - with a warming ending
then the opening chapter is a surprise - which is good -
not sure about so many 'likes' in the first line
how does thunder move? - give me specifics - the land, the position of his feet, hands, weapon, facial exp. etc
Also 'her manouver was sharp' is redundant - cut it - give better pace and flow

But Broadly, enjoyed it thanks

Any thoughts on Charlie Marconi v apprecviated - I'm going for the same kind of in your face opening.
Simon

This gets off to an exciting start. I wasn't sure about the first line though, "he moved like thunder". Should that be lightning? I'm not sure if thunder moves.

So I read this originally on fictionpress and loved it. I so wish you'd update this since this story is reall wonderful.
I think it is the first one which realy manages to convey the feel of that time, that you worked on that and everything. We often like to think that people in those times were just as they are now and had the same mentality. But it was all so different and you show that really well :)
I think this story has a lot of potential. True there are some mistakes and stuff but other than that the story got me hooked fro mthe very start

So I read this originally on fictionpress and loved it. I so wish you'd update this since this story is reall wonderful.
I think it is the first one which realy manages to convey the feel of that time, that you worked on that and everything. We often like to think that people in those times were just as they are now and had the same mentality. But it was all so different and you show that really well :)
I think this story has a lot of potential. True there are some mistakes and stuff but other than that the story got me hooked fro mthe very start

I was drawn to this by the cover - love jewellery. It will probably have a similar effect on most women. Transportation to medieval world, ditto. This is brilliant, commercial fiction, excellently written and with a great heroine in Penny. Clever stuff. backed. Lynn

It's been months since a update on this story is it ever coming back or is it a dropped idea? For I love this story and would like a chance to read the rest of it.

This is a very enjoyable book. Your pitch caught my interest, and your start, with the fight between Penny and Troy, is full of action and excitement straightaway. When we discover that this isn't a real fight, the interest remains, because by now we've become very attached to Penny, a feisty, brave, strong character. Her past, which you are carefully holding back, has clearly traumatised her, and we would very much like to know her background. You set your scenes, both in the gym and later in the studio and in the medieval court, well, with enough detail to bring them to life; and when you move on to develop the relationship between Penny and Troy you take us with you. Ginger is another likable character, and the business of the jade bracelet, and the slaps to Penny's face, and her transportation to the medieval world, is beautifully handled. You have left a great hook at the end of Chapter One, with Penny is serious trouble. But the independent Penny will certainly be able to handle it, with her fighting skills. It's good to have a heroine who isn't helpless when the bad guys attack her. Your writing flows along in an apparently effortless style, with some excellent dialogue. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Having been to the Viking Museum at Jorvik (York, UK) and survived their 'smellyvision' approach, I can sympathise with your vision of the past. I caught sight of this and decided to give it a try as the cover intrigued me. Glad I did, it was a good read. Happy to back, Jim D Serpent's Blood (pseudo-medieval, kind of..)

That's quite a journey for Penny, and what's so good about it is your eye for detail. This isn't the santitised verson of medieval times, but a real one, with all the smells and attitudes and inconveniences which a modern-day person would notice, but which contemporary characters would take as normal. It's a shock to the system, and you show it well. I think the premise for the story is a brilliant idea, and you deliver it well, with your fine writing. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

OH MY GOD!!!!

I loved you on Fictionpress and love you even more here, i just wish you would finish this or at least update quickly! Seriously i would buy all your books if you were ever to publish, i didn't think i could love a story more than a starter boyfriend, but this cuts the cake!

shelved! i love it but please update soon! it's been aaaaages since you last updated hehe! i can't wait to read more xxx

I love your premise - would you be interested in swapping?
- Genevieve Under The Same Sky

You have quite a distinctive and powerful voice here. You use intruiging formulations of language to express yourself, such as the explosive first line. My only crit would actually be the second like, which, as another comparative metaphor, pales in comparison to the first line.

Andrew

I love the cover and the short pitch had me from the word go especially the part about medieval times. Straight in there with the action, brilliant. Engaging read, made we want to continue and see what's going to happen, excellent stuff. shelved.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Hi tatiana

come back on this site you have a great book here.

tamara

Loved this so much =) Not your average romance, but the tensions are definitely there! The plot is so intriguing, and Penny is the kind of female character thats relatable. She won't let anyone push her around, yet she still shows that she's human =) I absolutely love her!

Tatiana,

Wonderful idea and I love the premise of the novel--a strong, independent woman travelling back into a time where she sticks out as a sore thumb, only to find herself falling in love when she least expected it. It's a great idea and I breezed right through these 6 chapters :)

My only critique would be Luc--his character is undeniably cliche. He's seen her once, fallen in love with her "exotic-ness", and he's well, typical. What I mean to say is so far, his characterization is okay. I'd like more depth to him - if you could show how he was enraged after Penny's near-rape incident, or his past - but I'm sure that'll come in future chapters (?). Penny, on the other hand, is this independent force. It's nice to see a strong character like that - and I'm sure, like one reviewer said, it's the whole 'girl power' us women like reading, coupled with a handsome, understanding bloke like Luc. Other than that, there are times where you do slip up in midievel dialogue, bringing in modernism.

Well done so far. I'll definitely be keeping up with this! With a little more work, I'm sure this could be fantastic. Good luck miss, MS

PS. Just had to say I love the novel cover!

Fantastic story! It definitely will be published one day. Your story idea is unique and completely entertaining. I would read it over and over again, now all that needs to be done is an update! lol

Keep at it, you are an incredible writer!

I love this Tatiana. Such a great chick-lit voice. Real, funny and authentic ...throw in time travel and you've got me right there. great scene building and you have a really engaging MC.

Backed (and I have a feeling you might just like mine LOL...you'll see what I mean if you take a look).

Rachael
'Falling Through'

This is huge fun....I galloped through the first couple of chapters with a wry smile. I'm a sucker for time-switch and supernatural shenanigans so right up my street. There are quite a few typos littered around but sure you could easily tidy all that up. But story-wise it's fun and moves right along. Nice dialogue, good characters.... I'm rather taken with Luc already!
Backed for the sheer hell of it!

Hi Tatiana,

I tried to leave a comment earlier today but was knocked off the site.

The Jade Bracelet reminds me of The Wizard of Oz, the part when Dorothy says, "this isn't Kansas..." You do a great job bringing out the innerworkings of Penny, the wall around her, her bravado. Then you contrast it nicely with Ginger, the psychic. Then wham---a jade bracelet is latched onto Penny's wrist sending her backwards through time--almost like a past life regression, except that she took her physical body with her!

I could relate to Penny's predicament of being around a man she is not attracted to, but keeps putting out sexual vibes. Kind of makes me want to take a self-defence class.

I think that the first chapter can be divided into three chapters--the gymn, the birthday celebration and the trip to medieval territory.

Shelved.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

Tatiana, your story really captivated me, right from the word go. The bracelet is an great idea. Love a love story and this is one with a real difference. Hope you finish it soon. Backed. Nicky.

Typos and grammatical errors normally send me screaming from a manuscript... but this one held my interest with a wonderful storyline and endearing premise. I'm not going to lie, you do need to do a big edit. But with editing you will improve your novel and get more readers to enjoy this story. You have a well thought out idea and well planned characters, as such, I have shelved this in the knowledge that you will continue to hone your craft and novel and that this could be a wonderful piece. Best of luck. L.x

Ooooh very gooooood!!! Love this! You have completely captivated me. You are adept at capturing the scene and carrying your reader through with you! Shelved
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

This is great stuff. And like all good romances, you keep the two separated. Troy seems like such a good guy, but the conflict lies with Penny - will she ever be able to open up? It's hard not to like a woman who such a bad-ass. Ginger is a great character / herald who pushes the story to it's conflict. The bracelet works well and now that Penny is in the thick of something she doesn't understand, will she be able to fight her way out of it? Learn to open up a bit? Your writing is great - hope for the best with this one - shelved without question.

Tatiana

Usually I’d say please break down your paragraphs in the pitch, but yours seems to work just fine. Others will say different but I’m convinced and read on.

The opening line is awesome. And what follows is, too. I’m hooked from the off. This is very accessible, flowing prose and I forget everything to slip into the story. You got me.
Convincing characters and dialogue, great scene painting, I could hear the ‘Karate chop squeals.’
My interest dips a little when I read about woman acting like blokes, but I imagine this is very poplar with your target reader. Girl power and all that.

Chapter 1 seems a tad long for an opening and I’d suggest you consider dividing it into two somehow. And preferably with a hook at the end as you have already done.

You are a talented writer and even though there’s a little work to do I’m more than happy to shelve.
Best wishes and good luck!
David
Green Ore

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. I read through your very lengthy first chapter. That was a problem for me, the length. Scale it back and make that first chapter short so you can draw in the reader.

The paragrahs were a bit too long as well. Chick Lit generally has short paragraphs much like a thriller.

The pitches need be redone. You're selling your book here. Rewrite both of them. Less is more.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Well, I love this story/book. I've been following it since it first was up on fictionpress. I love the bracelet and how it brings the wearer to their one true love. What I really hope is that if, when the ten days are up and she (hopefully) chooses her love, that they will be brought back to her time. I just feel like she REALLY doesn't belong in his time, but I cold see him maybe making it in our world, you know? Like, I feel as though she's too independent and will get herself killed for being as such. Just my thoughts on the matter. Can't wait for the next chapters!!

Love,
Becca

For starters, I love your cover. And as a character the spirited Penny is a lot to contend with, which you deal with nicely. I love the thought of the bracelet. It taking the wearer to that one time and place where their true love dwells. The only thing I wondered about was if Ginger really believed in the bracelet why she didn't say good by to Penny before she put it on. They were like sisters, it must of been a hard gift to give. The thought of never seeing her best friend again made the bracelet not only an expensive gift but one of great emotional sacrifice. Other than that good story and on my shelf. C.P

Wonderful first chapter! I was completely immersed in the story. I like your MC, Penny, and her offbeat friend Ginger. This is a fast paced, extremely interesting read and I can't wait to read more; will you be uploading the entire novel? I've decided not to read much of the incomplete novels because I get frustrated at not being able to finish.

I jotted down a few typos/mistakes to help you with your edit:

"For all intensive purposes (intents and purposes?) he'd make a great catch for another girl"
"She liked to live her life in the shadows, unseen and unheard, which were thing(s) Ginger always hinted wouldn't last forever.
He turned to the knight and whispered something to which the knight laughed and (at?)."

Take care,
Kat
The REAL Poop

Well written, real characters and a solid story.

Good read!

Lockjaw

Hey I have read your stories on FP and followed you here, I love the story so far and I can't wait for the next chapter

Hey there! Like many others, I followed you here from fp, since I've been meaning to get an authonomy account anyways (as a reader, that is.) It's great to see your talent being discovered here, where you can receive constructive criticism from experienced editors and the likes. Authonomy does seem more legitimate, in a way. Keep up the awesome work! I'll be checking back on yours works here for sure.

This looks very interesting and is well pitched so a good start, will be abck as time allows but backed, Michael

Tatiana,

The beginning of the chapter is excellent. I particularly like the scene with the defense class. Then the scene in the fortune teller's room was also exceptional. I felt like I really got to know Penny and Ginger in that short time, and I even began liking Troy.

I saw a lot of word choice errors and grammatical issues, even some missing words. You might have someone go over it, looking for these things. For example, "seriously in the begging" should be "beginning". "Angelina of Lucy Liu" should be "Angelina or Lucy Liu."

I did get confused with the time changing scene. It went too quickly and I wasn't sure why she was initially being attacked. I thought for some reason she was in a tavern, but then she was in a ballroom, and again, I have no idea why that man was slapping her and trying to behead her.

I also think you should remove the reference to 2008 in the last paragraph. It dates your book and I think you can be a little more general, preserving the novel for any year in the future.

On my shelf for inventiveness of plot,

ML

I just adore your story. It makes my day when there's a new chapter. I read it from fictionpress and I'm glad that you are continuing with story. ^^

Thanks Peter! Will keep your comments in mind upon revision.

The braclet idea works well and you've got a strong story line here, just make it less melodramatic.

On my Watch List.

Peter.

You're pitch says that Penny's life is boring, but the opening scene is anything but. I'd delete boring and specify what she does. The scene in the gym with all the screaming was way over the top - tone it down.

The back -in -time sequence works well, although I felt it slightly melodramatic. Too much violence. We've had screaming in the gym and now violence in the far past.

The braclet idea works well and you've got a strong story line here, just make it less melodramatic.

On my Watch List.

Peter.

Dear Tatiana, just had a look at ch. 1 of Jade Bracelet. You write well with good pace and a great mix of dialogue and narration. Well balanced. Interesting premise too. I could see this as a film; would work very well I think.
Hilary waters (The Piazza)

Tatiana,

I've taken a look at all three of your novels, and all I say is you can write! I'm happy to shelve THE JADE BRACELET, and I'm sure I'll shelve the other in due time. Good luck.

Rodney

Thanks for the tips. (<--almost ended that with an exclamation point). I didn't realize I was abusing them so much, but I'm glad to hear such comments. I'll watch that (and adverbs) in the future. And you're right... I totally need to edit a little more. Thanks :)

Very interesting read. Puts a good twist on several genres: romance, fantasy, chick lit which makes it original.

Your protag is likeable and believable. As for most of us here, I feel that this could use a bit of an edit to cut down on the text in some places, reduce adverbs maybe exclamation points.

I also suggest getting a custom cover asap to make it easier to spot on the site.

Shelved and good luck
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Very interesting read. Puts a good twist on several genres: romance, fantasy, chick lit which makes it original.

Your protag is likeable and believable. As for most of us here, I feel that this could use a bit of an edit to cut down on the text in some places, reduce adverbs maybe exclamation points.

I also suggest getting a custom cover asap to make it easier to spot on the site.

Shelved and good luck
Dania (The It! Refugee)

I just finished reading and I hope you plan to upload more chapters. It is a very good read. It reminds me of the Outlander series, although when I first read the title and the pitch I thought of the book "White Jade Tiger" by Julie Lawson. I found the beginning when Penny is in the present (2008) a bit slow, but as I read more I understood that it was necessary to help establish Penny's character. The only thing I would suggest is a quick edit as there are a few typos. Other than that, it is definitely an interesting and captivating story. Going straight to my shelf at least.

Not usually my read but like a bit of magic, and romance . you write well. and the story line is good, read on longer than I meant to. there is definitely a backing here.

Titania,

Great story. You begin with a light-hearted self defence course and head straight to action-packed midievel adventure. Your dialogue is realistic, the characters are fun, and I love Penny's strength. Best of luck with your book.

Shelved,

Robert Ford (The World of Hek)

The Jade Bracelet...

Immediately engaging and you waste no time getting to the past. I love it.

Only two nits: dump your exclamation marks...they're out of fashion, unfortunately, and you really don't need them because your phrasings are punchy enough. And, almost always avoid adverbs (Noah Lukeman, an agent, says that adverbs will cause an agent to reject...The First Five Pages.)

Your MC is feisty and fun, and your premise is great. I see great things for you.

Shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions as soon as you can manage because I'm getting soooo close to the Editor's Desk and want to make the novel the best it can be before it gets there.)

This is the type of book I've always enjoyed reading: romance, suspense, and a little fantasy. I will be finishing this as soon as I am back from vacation. Limited time means I only finished through ch. 3. Great descriptions throughout. Shelved.