In Time's Shadow

The cover is fantastic, completely draws you to the book. I love the pitch which demonstrates what an awesome responsibility time travel is and I love the way you say the universe is protecting itself from him. The opening is very well written and I can see some of myself in Liam, I love being alone but can interact within a group. Excellent idea, well thought out. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

What? no flux capsitor, Sean? Just joking. I love time travel so naturally your book caught my eye. It is unique in the fact that he does not travel through time with the use of a device of some sort. Instead he uses his mind, like the Christopher Reeves movie Somewhere in Time. What I found also interesting was that he could travel through time and space since he saw Jon hang himself.

You take your time with the story and this is something that I like most. Rather than beginning the piece with levers being pulled, and electricity flying overheard you allow the reader to establish a relationship with Liam rather than with the novelty of time travel. You have a really good story here and really hope you finish it soon. Hope you have the best of luck with this. Shelved.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Hi Sean

This is shaping up into an intriguing read. You mention it is a first draft- I am impressed! Of course it needs tightening, but as I'm not an expert I'll leave details to others. I like that there's no gadget in your tale, I agree that time travel could have consequences (deal with the concept time in my work) and I shivered when you said time is in the imagination. I also think you take the reader into Liam's head very well.

You have a good premise here and i hope it does really well.

Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

Hello Sean,

Sci-fi is not usually my favourite genre, but you pulled me in right away with the brilliant presentation of Liam and his parents, especially his fascinating father. Characterization is good from the opening chapter with his kinder garden teacher. It is insightful with life lessons, an unusual quality to be found in a sci-fi. Overall, this is a smooth flowing story with great dialogue and prose. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Sean!

You've got an easy-to-read style, which makes cruising through this story fun and effortless. If this truly is a first draft, it's really very polished. Intriguing premise, oh - and I LOVE the first line of your pitch. Great hook! Nice cover, too, by the way. On my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Great idea, good premise, masterfully told. I read some of this previously and don't know whether I backed it or not. I meant too anyway. So if I didn't before, here I back again.

Please could you load more on.
You can't leave me there..........

Julia

In Time's Shadow is a good read but has an unusual structure. C1 seemed fine, and gave me a good insight into Liam's character, though you didn't need to tell me he was a quiet boy because you'd shown me that very well a para earlier. C2 seemed odd, though with its numbered sections and 'blinks'. The former I felt got in the way. Section 1 was backstory about his parents, when I was still wanting to know about the mysterious woman next to Liam that you'd got me interested in in C1. His parents didn't really seem relevant - do you need this section at all? Section 2 was better with dialogue instead of telling - but now I've got a problem with whose point of view I'm working from. I get Liam's thoughts, his Dad's thoughts and then some third party watching as 'Dad reached out and hugged Liam to him'. Confused! Section 3 and I'm seriously wondering why I'm being told all this stuff. Then 'blink' and suddenly I'm being shown Liam's special power and how it works - now we're cooking again! Could this chapter go straight to the blinks, I wonder, to keep the action flowing, and fill in the backstory later if the parents have a major part to play in the story.
These are just personal reactions as I read so treat them with caution. Overall I think you have a good story here and you have the writing skills to address any editing issues, so I'm happy to back you on this. Good luck.

Dear Sean,

I really enjoyed your brief excerpt. I especially found your view through the eyes of the child to be realistic and sympathetic. Though I can't tell much from such a short segment, I have a few comments:

1. This may sound picky, but you're writing time travel, so you have to expect it :-) If the woman who was talking to him in the Prologue is his "friend", and if he has such a good memory, then why does she not appear in his considerations of his situation during his later childhood? He often thinks about the two people who stood with his parents at the school gate.

2. In general, your writing could improve. While your work is proof-read to an acceptable standard, I can pick a lot of minor errors, especially wordiness. Since I have no complaints about the rest of the story, I'll give you a few examples:

"through the window of the door into the nursery" - wordy.
"Outside the door, looking through the window" - redundant
Deirdre Taggart, the Nursery Manageress" - do we need all this information? Is she an important character?
"Most of the time, yes, but it doesn't seem to bother him." Commas needed. The next two sentences could use one comma each, as well, although commas are rather out of style these days.
"Thanks for your time, Deirdre." People's names used like this are always separated by commas. You did it right in the next sentence.
"…but already he could read as well as older children who were about to leave to go off to Infants' school." A challenge; how many words could you cut from that, and still get the information across?
"…the way they needed to do with the other children." Wordy
"…did the head count and quickly realized…" A perfect example of an unnecessary adverb. In fact, that whole, long, sentence could be replaced by "Her usual headcount revealed that Liam was missing."
The next paragraph has two sentences of the same structure. Both start with "As".
The next paragraph, that sentence with "would have had to pass her but hadn't," is a real mouthful. When possible, get rid of "had" verb forms.
"…looked up at her, a beaming smile on his face." How about, "…beamed up at her."?
Last sentence, "and just" is repetitive. One conjunction will do.

So there you have it. Around 12 edits on the first page.

Hope this helps. You have the start of a great story. If you choose to upload more, let me know, because then I could give you my impressions of character development, conflict, and structure.

Good luck,

Gordon Long
"…Kitten?"

The cover is fantastic, completely draws you to the book. I love the pitch which demonstrates what an awesome responsibility time travel is and I love the way you say the universe is protecting itself from him. The opening is very well written and I can see some of myself in Liam, I love being alone but can interact within a group. Excellent idea, well thought out. Shelved with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Hi Sean.

This is the gritty grown-up version of what happens when people tinker with Time. The premise is great, exploring the dark side of time-travel which, I suspect, would turn out to be the 'real' side if there was 'real' time-travel.

I like the way you draw Liam, he very quickly becomes a solid character who is easy to see. Your style allows for a certain amount of detachment while not ignoring the character's emotions. Rather like Liam himself, who exhibits the kind of personal restraint I've often seen among the exceptionally gifted. Adds another dimension to him and makes the reader keen to discover how he'll deal with such a terrible burden.

I like the way you deal with Liam's vision of Paskins' death, the italics and 'blink' work very well.
Good stuff!

I did see a few nits:
role in the Nursery..this needs closing speech marks.
with the other children...this needs a period.
someone sat next to Liam...Liam was still sat...both should be *sitting*.
happy to not have lost...happy *not to* have lost.
Ch 1
One of the earliest memories...One of Liam Howey's earliest memories?
He was only 3 years old.. He'd been three years old at the time?
a lot more that you are still to learn..you still have to learn?
When I was your age...needs closing speech marks.
but no he could hear nothing...but *now*
shortly before Liam left...occurred the year before he left...I wouldn't call a year 'shortly'.
The both fell to the ground...*They*

Nits aside, I thought this was very good. I'd certainly read more given time.
Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Hello Sean,

Sci-fi is not usually my favourite genre, but you pulled me in right away with the brilliant presentation of Liam and his parents, especially his fascinating father. Characterization is good from the opening chapter with his kinder garden teacher. It is insightful with life lessons, an unusual quality to be found in a sci-fi. Overall, this is a smooth flowing story with great dialogue and prose. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Why do things have to change? A profound question for a child. Love this premise and your characters. Fast-paced, riveting, and fun. WL.

Hi Sean!

You've got an easy-to-read style, which makes cruising through this story fun and effortless. If this truly is a first draft, it's really very polished. Intriguing premise, oh - and I LOVE the first line of your pitch. Great hook! Nice cover, too, by the way. On my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi Sean

This is shaping up into an intriguing read. You mention it is a first draft- I am impressed! Of course it needs tightening, but as I'm not an expert I'll leave details to others. I like that there's no gadget in your tale, I agree that time travel could have consequences (deal with the concept time in my work) and I shivered when you said time is in the imagination. I also think you take the reader into Liam's head very well.

You have a good premise here and i hope it does really well.

Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

What? no flux capsitor, Sean? Just joking. I love time travel so naturally your book caught my eye. It is unique in the fact that he does not travel through time with the use of a device of some sort. Instead he uses his mind, like the Christopher Reeves movie Somewhere in Time. What I found also interesting was that he could travel through time and space since he saw Jon hang himself.

You take your time with the story and this is something that I like most. Rather than beginning the piece with levers being pulled, and electricity flying overheard you allow the reader to establish a relationship with Liam rather than with the novelty of time travel. You have a really good story here and really hope you finish it soon. Hope you have the best of luck with this. Shelved.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Sean
I like this... why.. It's the slow, steady, tone of voice. Schoolteacherly?
Niggles... "Where he was sat"... dialect.
In 2001, are they definitely Neanderthals? Is it Neanderthals vs Homo Sapiens in that scrap?
"OK" is spelt "Okay"
"Come here and sit next to me(,)" he said [comma before closing quote mark]
I have it on my watchlist to read more. Well done. Alan

Hey Sean. The opening is pretty creepy if you think about it-a child sitting on a bench with some shadowy woman who later disappears and then he states that the woman is his friend. So a good opener, and then to go into his past, where his father took him to the movies and how his parents died was touching. Definitely the way to go here. I feel bad for Liam and wonder, how old is he in the first chapter? Here were two nits:

*Liam had been at nursery
-Liam had been at the nursery

*Liam was still sat
-Liam still sat

Anyway, I can see where this is headed. Perhaps Liam met the woman somewhere else in time, that's why he was talking about a different setting. I'll give this a spin on my shelf.

Hey,
The prologue and first chapter are both very well written. I didn't notice any nits.
It was an enjoyable read.
I liked how you started the first chapter telling about the cinema his father went to. It was a pleasant little piece of backstory and one that i could relate. Living in a big city can be lonely when you don't know anyone.
The little scuffle was good. It was easy to picture, and that's the key to writing an action scene that works.
"Then they would all turn towards him and he would realise that they all spoke with his voice," I think you need to rework this whole paragraph. It slowed me down and broke my concentration.
If this is an early draft, then well done, because it is, for the most part, very clean writing. Just keep in mind when you're editing to take out any unnecessary words and tell your story in as few words as possible.
You are my shelf. Good luck on authonomy. Trust me, you'll get a lot of helpful feedback.

Regards,

Mark H