The Crown of Crysaldor

What a great tale - who will not love a great quest, that to for diamonds that bring magic when placed in a crown. Highly imaginative. You seem to have covered all the bases to create a read that will captivate your audience. You start with great action, sword fighting between two mighty opponents and set the scene for the lost diamonds. Then slowly we get introduced to the well portrayed characters and the wise Talibar. I loved the small details, like the attire of robes which adds to the mystique and the imaginative names of the characters and the place Crysaldor.
Your writing style and narration suits the story.
Backed earlier and gald to have read more to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

The moment I began reading this I was rivetted, a gutsy swordfight in a time when their were warriors, fighting for thier kingdoms,power survival. Being male myself, these sort of adventure stories I can really enjoy. You really brought the characters into a life and death arena, no mercy , no quarter given. In the next chapter we enter into a knew era, fables about crysaldor that beckon a girl on a quest, a dangerous forebodeing quest. Her innocence and naivety makes me fear what wii happen to her. I'll have to put this on my watchlist with a view to shelve it.

This is terrific stuff. You write in the most accomplished manner and I loved the fact that we are straight into the action. Any great fantasy novel should start with swords clashing, in my humble opinion. However, what most impressed me with the three chapters I read was the way your prose was so effortless yet enchanting and thoroughly gripping. You have created a wonderful and very imaginative world that I'm certain there is a huge market for. I wish you all the best with it. Carl. The Time Hunters.

A small, white flame glowed brightly
Her long, black cloak twirled
A large wooden chest sat 
on the grey stone floor 
a white pillow and a grey blanket,
A grey brick fireplace
a large black cooking pot
orange and yellow flames
her chilled face
white smoke
blackened brick
Her long, brown plaited hair
the black bodice of her ankle-length brown dress.
His long, grey hooded cloak
his brown boots.
His wrinkled hands
his wavy white hair and long white beard.
his grey gown
a small, square, wooden box
the sturdy chest,
groaned slightly
He carefully turned the box around
Ana carefully steadied the bottom of the box
very gently picked the velvet out of the box.
a very small dome
She asked frowning.
She ...very carefully tilted it back and forth,
She carefully placed it in his palm
raising his eyebrows slightly.

Hi Sandie

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

CROWN OF CRYSALDOR
This is an interesting story. The beginning is dramatic; how many stories begin with someone killing a king? You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this fantasy world and it shows in the details you’re able to add to the story. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This genre is something I don't normally read but I was intrigued by your pitch. I like the way you go straight into the action with the sword fight. It was very descriptive and I could picture the scene in my head which indicates accomplished writing to me. I am no expert in fantasy novels but the speech sounded authentic. I could almost feel the euphoria that Dorin had when he had the crown in his hand and stood surveying what was now his kingdom. A really gripping read. Well done and six stars.

Kim (Pain)

Great story so far with a very exciting opening chapter. Well done. Will be back when Ive read a few more chapters.

I read the first few chapters - fantasy isn't my exact cup of tea, but it's very well written. Good tension and descriptive characters. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure it will suit younger audiences down to the ground.

Alex
Finding My Feet

I loved the opening paragraphs to this. The fight between Dorin and Horius was tense , to the point, visually descriptive and fluid.
It then becomes a bit wordy and rambling.
ie: then because everyone knew that the magic in the kingdom only worked etc etc...

Maybe try something like, Horius cared little for magic and as he prized the stones from their settings he smiled at the knowledge that with the stones lost Crysaldor and it's magic would be gone forever.

This would save at least 3 paragraphs.
This is something I'm guilty of doing myself and it's because you don't want to miss anything. You know the story and all it's background and it's not easy to leave things out. I'm always taking huge chunks out and replacing them with one or two sentences.
Having said this I love the story and will place it on my watch list to read further when I have time.

Viki

The Seven Daughters of I'sha - The Amulet of Silvathorn
Glendale Girls

Dear Sandie
Just a quick message to let you know I enjoyed ''The Crown Of Crysaldor'' I spend late last night to finish it off, what I read I totally enjoyed, so thanks for sharing it with us!
''The Crown Of Crysaldor'' is a novel I would certainly read again at a later date.
I back it with six big stars!!! So well done Sandie

Hello Sandie,

'The Crown of Crysaldor' is a very interesting piece of work. IMHO, the biggest asset this book can boast about is how simple and intriguing it is read. The use of language is appropriate with readers of all ages in mind. Reading this book reminded me a lot of 'Eragon', not exactly same but similar. I have read the first two chapters and I can say that the Premise and Introduction are sufficient. The transition between chapters 1 and 2 was done well too. If I am forced to be fastidious, I guess I will say I would have liked to know more about how that diamond from Horius' crown ended up with Theodar after Dorin threw them away. (Incase you have explained this in the ensuing chapters, you might ignore that!).

This is surely a book that I will recommend to a lot of young readers!!!

Good Luck,
Venkatarama

Read the first 2 chapters. Expertly written, enchanting story, in the style of Tolkien or Lewis. The scene set in the second chapter is lovely! The first chapter was exciting, scary, chilling. I like that the hero is going to be a woman. (hope I don't give something away...)
Thanks for the enjoyable read! I will read on.....
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

I was originally drawn to this story by your ptich because it envolves many of the things I personally enjoy reading about: fairies, dragons ect. The first chapter was very well written and captured my attention almost immediately. Honestly I've never been one to enjoy fight scenes that much, but this one caught my interest and made me want to stick with it until the end.
I also liked the introduction of the female character, Ana and the set up for the mystery portion of the book. I look forward to reading on...

Sandie, what a brilliant story.
You could be more precise in your descriptions by being less 'wordy'. Instead of saying "Metal thrashed and slammed against metal." you might of said 'Metal thrashed against metal.' or even 'Metal thrashed metal."
Forgive my use of a cliche, but: There is a time and place for everything. And in the time of an action scene the use of fewer words have found their place. Your writing should describe the pace of the chapter/paragraph/scene.
Also, the use of some words weaken the fidelity of your story, such as; "...as his weapon juddered". The words 'shook' or 'trembled' might have more imagery attatched to them than 'juddered'.
However, despite these things you have discovered a wonderful story - and have finished it. For that; congratulations.

Sincerely,
Bradley Harris

Dear Sandie,

As a matter of fact, I read the first chapter of “The Crown of Crysaldor. I could not continue further. Because I was feeling the agony and pain of both warriors, could hear sound of metal and see sparks from hitting blades, felt smell of blood and sad end of Horius. You succeeded to portray the show very well.
Believe me; it was difficult for me to bear with the painful death of Horius.

You’re a gifted writer and the destination of this novel seems an Action Movie. (All the best)

A mild positive comment about following names. (Ignore if you don’t like it}

“Horius” “Dorin” please note the three letters appearing after the capital letters “ORI”(HORIUS) “ORI” (DORIN) are identical. "HOR" "DOR" sounds similar
Horius
-ori- us

Dorin.
-ori-n
It may sometimes (not sure) confuse the reader.

Good Luck
Sali Kamar

A target age and story line that are my favourites so I'm happily reading this.

Here are some random thougths.

1. Action starts right away. Something I think I struggle with--you have achieved. I was expecting Dorin to be a good guy..probably because the story starts with him. I think this wonderful action packed start could be strengthed by starting with the KIng. A sense that this is a good king, maybe bring the friends and his family watching up sooner. I think we need emotional involvement with him sooner so we are more upset when he dies. Same with Dorian, except reversed emotion. We hate him soon, but maybe bring that emotion out sooner.

2. Chapter two..retelling of the story...with background ....all good. This is important because Ana is clearly going to be our MC. I think we need to see something in her that makes her the ONE. What is it? I'm not understanding what makes her special..and why NOW is the time? I think I need some involvement here.

3. Great job having a female MC...

Every ingredient is here for a whooping fantasy tale. Love it. I think if you work getting us into the emotions of what is going on...involved more closely with the characters...nothing will stop this!

There is alot here. A fun story-line, nice ingredients. I think a little work on getting

The Crown of Crysaldor.
By Sandie Newman.

A good start to your book I might say...straight into a deadly fight between two brothers, Dorin and Horius.
No half measures with description here. Graphic accounts of the fight keep the reader riveted.
Then we have the victor, Dorin with the spoils of the battle, the ‘Crown of Crysaldor’.
He’s already hatched a plan for changing the Kingdom of Crysaldor by removing the diamonds.
The book has a good storyline and I sometimes felt like changing a few sections here and there to the way I would like it.
It gets interesting as Ana’s told by Theodor that she is the one most suited to reverse the changes once the diamonds are found and the Crown is whole again.
This is a good story which I think deserves a chance in the market place.
I like it!
Pleased to star-rate it and wish you well with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

This is a BHCG review

I comment as I go along, so please forgive the disjointed nature of my critique.




Great start! We're right there in the action and I want to read on.

"Horius spilt blood" where is this? On the floor? Perhaps make it clearer and I'd remove the comma after "just as torn" so as not to slow the action up.

All good until "Dorin looked back at Horius........ slowly he walked" Wasn't he by Horius's side already? Also, Horius seems to be having a lot of final breaths!

Good end to the first chapter although I have to confess that I started to skip-read the second half. Why was this? Not sure. I went back and had a look at the writing and I couldn't see anything mcuh wrong. I think perhaps it's just that I'm not yet interested in what's happened. It think the enormity of what's just happened has been lost in the fight and so I tuned out. The fight scene is dramatic but we don't buy in to the characters. I think you need to make us understand what's going on. It can be done subtly DURING the fight. Perhaps as Dorin makes a strike he thinks of a wrong that Horius has done to him. Just a thought.

My eyes have gone now.... so I'll leave it at that for now. I see that your arrow has turned green again, so maybe just getting on to the forum was all that was needed?

Hope you find what I've said helpful :-)

Hi Sandie. Saw your request for reads so read the first three chapters.

I thought you did an excellent job of grabbing the reader's attention with your first chapter. If I hadn't read the pitch I might have thought Dorin was the good guy, not expecting a good king to die so quickly so that was a brilliant first hook. The walk up the mountain slows the pace a little, but reflects the lack of energy Dorin feels after the fight. I thought the description of placing the diamonds on the ledge would lead to hem accidentally falling or something along those lines but when he just picked them up and threw them away I felt that description had slowed the pace a little again.

The only point I have about the other chapters I read was why Ana didn't question Theodor believing she had magic deep down, if the magic has been dormant for hundreds of years and magical people/creatures become secretive about it I would expect Ana to react to his belief with shock.

All the right elements for a YA fantasy and the pitch promises an enjoyable read, the initial chapters have enough hooks and elements of mystery to get the reader drawn in.

What can I say?

I love it. The pitch nearly turned me off though I must say. I thought almost "too" fantasy. Like you were trying to tick off all the boxes of a generic fantasy story. However after deciding to give it one chapter I find myself up to chapter five and forcing mysef to stop lest I be up all night reading it!

Well done! I can't wait to 'let myself' read more :)

Backed,
Seth

4 chapters read and only stopped before I get sucked in too far ...
I love fantasy, I love light easy to read fantasy with a great hook, a strong protagonist and an awesome story. I already love Ana, I have a feeling she's develop and mature as the book goes on.
You did a great job with chapter 1, I actually read it and at the start thought that Dorin was the good guy .. But no!!! He was the antagonist! Great stuff!!
Worthy of 5 stars and on my WL ready for a shelf backing in a couple of days (when I rotate next) Fantasy is such a niche market, but this is written nicely and straddles both the YA and the light fantasy market.

Lovely unique writing voice as well.

This is a great story. I read the first two chapters and I have been fully suckered in. This is a good beginning to a fantasy epic. Magic diamonds and adventure is calling! Big stars.

Chapter two:

"Boxes often have things in them do they not....change to "Boxes often have things in them, do they not?

Rebecca
~Askival

Hi Sandie, i will try once again to give you my comment, i think this is the third time i have tried! ok here it comes.
when reading your first chapter i was dragged into your fight! i love your voice and the passion which you write. a wonderful story and a nicely writtern on at that. i have read a couple of chapters and i will return to it once i have done some of my W/L ! i have already ranked and backed this! all the best. Sorry for my dislexic rambles lol

Sandie - I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish.

I mentioned over messages that the fight opening doesn't work for me I'm afraid. For me it seems almost coordinated and from that point false; with each blow coreographed, you've not allowed the readers imagination to run with this. In addition almost each blow the protagonists are aware of fatigue or pain - in reality adernalin covers most senses and when you do become aware your probably about to lose.

I've no issue with the writing and I recall the scene at the end of Chapter 1 from my first read so you've clearly left an impression. No comments with typos etc.

Then from Chapter 2 there's a more natural flow to the story and the pace imrpoves as you introduce characters. Not my usual genre read, nevertheless I can see the story developing. By the end of Chapter 2 and then into Chapter 3 your characters are also starting to develope.

My apologies for not being more positive. Best. Steve.

This is very different from the last time I read. Loved that you started with the fight. The reader is thrown right into the action and I think this was a good choice. I especially think male readers will like the fight scene. I know how hard it can be to make changes, it was very hard on me to change around my Chapter 2. I would love to keep reading this and commenting. I am not to great at grammar, so I never comment on that. My favorite line of the whole thing was "it knew that the magic would never be completely gone....." It just made me want to turn the page! 5 stars back to you and I look forward to seeing this break 100!

Best,

Ashley

OK, Ms. Sandie . . . great first chapter, plenty of action right off the bat. I can see where this is going. The writing needs tightening, however, too wordy and confusing. I'll give examples of what I mean. And, by the way, I like Juddered. :) Great cover, too!

Seat-soaked hair (what color?) Dorin's dark hair, damp from sweat, fell to his eyes. . . whipped his skin (um, no). His torn trousers rubbed sore the bloodied cuts on his legs. Yet, witnessing Horius just as torn and bloody, made agreeing to shed armor a joy. . . . causing it to vibrate in Dorin's hand. (kill as many ly words as possible) . . . blocked (the) blade with his own . . . Horius' snarl . . . all (of) his might . . .
Pulled on every stomach muscle (no, not solid imagery there), Horius kept low and pulled his right knee close enough to reach his boot. Fingering for and finding his dagger, he pulled it free.

Lots and lots of this kind of cutting and rewording sentences.

Horius strained to get up, staggered, and struggled to regain his balance, In the end,his head hit the ground, The dirt coated his sweat and wounds, as he watched Dorin circle him as a vulture would do, waiting for its prey to die.

Instead of, breathed heavily, use panted or gasped. The reader doesn't need a play by play on how someone gets up. Simply say, he got up.

Dorin warned him off. "Stop! This is not your battle!" (and move on).

Maybe it was me, but I thought Horius was impaled by a sword. If so, how is it Dorian twisted the daggar. Maybe I missed something. What coloring is Horius? A little late to use naked (shirtless would be better), no armor did not make me visualize them naked.

A bit overly dramatic as far as winning the crown. YA is for 18-21 or in that range. If you want to write for that audience, you need to write as if you're writing for an adult.

The months following the battle, I would consider adding in italic at the onset of the next chapter.

Another suggestion, find an online editing software, there are many, and most offer free trials. I use Grammerly and rely on it. It won't write for you, but it can offer some guidance.

Hope this helps,

Susanne

Hi, Sandie – this is your YARG review from Audrey. Let us say a brief prayer (moment of silence if you’re not a pray-er) for my video driver. I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, who likes to make unpleasant remarks. Anything you disagree with was probably her idea. Hag.

Well you have instant street cred. A cover by Bradley Wind and a very high position on the list. I’ll wear my best glasses.

I like the opening paragraph. Vivid and action-oriented. Are you making up words? Juddered. Nope; I looked it up. However – do you want to use such an obtuse word so early in a YA book? (Perhaps this word is more common in fantasy than I realize.) OK, enough about that.

Fourth para – don’t need comma after them.

Last sentence of 5th para is clunky. I can see you tried hard to avoid a verb of being, but occasionally one is okay.

I like how you point out that the vibrations of sword play hurts the combatant’s hands. That’s often missing.

I felt that I was rooting for Dorin. Good work making him the more sympathetic/interesting character. I’m not quite sure how you did it.

One danger when you use lots of action verbs is that you go overboard using the same subject. He….him. (Someone recently noted this in reviewing my own work, and they were right.) in the para starting “Dorin felt every muscle…” the next several sentences all start with He or Him. See what you can do about that.

Same comment for the para after Dorin roars about being King.

Ooh, he’s becoming less likeable. More…..interesting.

As he left the battle with the crown in his left hand…..those two occurrences of “left” get my attention.

Thudded….do a search on this word. I feel I’ve read it too many times. Thumped. Clouted. Clattered. Lots of synonyms.

“…like rocks leaving a trebuchet.” Do rocks leave a trebuchet? Don’t they get fired? Or swung? Or some other really cool, strong verb? Or “hurled from.” Trebuchets are cool, and I bet that’s a word all fantasy readers know.

Like the setup of the story presented in Chapter 1. It makes the kingdom sound like a dark, rough place with all the fighting and bleeding imagery.

One point of confusion in the first few paras of Chapter 2. Theodor implies that Ana has recently cleaned up his place, but she’s only just arrived. Or is he commenting only on the fire? And she walked in so close to when he arrived he had to have seen his cottage light up.

“She couldn’t help but try to see inside….” You want a semicolon after inside. Two independent clauses must be separated by the semicolon.

I think this is a US/UK thing so feel free to ignore me here: you say, “…this kingdom was known as Crysaldor, and was very different to how it is today.” My ear says you want “different from.” But I have noticed this “different to” business in other manuscripts and think it might be a location thing.

When Theodor explains the legend I want more powerful language. “Crysaldor was ruled by Horius, a very good man.” I want “King Horius ruled over a magical kingdom, where the sun shone so brightly the very stones appeared to be gold.” And then give an example of the goodness of King Horius. He loved all the children. He revived the unicorns. He freed all the imprisoned wizards.

“Watching him kill our beloved King was indescribable.” I think this is the one word we’re all forbidden to use. Indescribable. We must describe it anyway. Surely an anguished gasp went through the crowd, a gasp as alive as waves breaking on the shore? Or perhaps you can describe the mourning of the crowd, or their shocked expressions…

I love the way the second chapter ends!! But maybe some hints about Ana’s special-ness would entice the reader?

Best of luck to you with your imaginative story!!
~Audrey

Sandie

I'm so pleased that I found your book, because I really enjoyed your gentle writing style and imaginative plot.

I've been explaining the book and reading out passages to my wife, who has become really interested in the story and will now start to read it herself, so I think that proves you have the power to create interest and draw people in with your words.

I enjoyed the opening battle scene, the subsequent launch of the quest to restore Chrysaldor and the gradual meeting and development of the key characters, which all created clear, vivid pictures in my mind.

Good luck with this very engaging tale.

Mark Shakespeare Fletcher
Charlie and the men in shoes.

A captivating tale that kept me reading more chapters than I'd planned. For that feature alone, the book deserves backing, but I back it because it is so well written. There are many places that can be tightened with good editing, but what book can't? A handful of stars, also to this brave author.
Jendai Rilbury

Sandie,
So glad I found your story. This is so well written. It reads like a published book already. I am on chapter 4 and still going. The character of Dorin is so well developed in such a short space, and I like how the legend of Crysaldor is released gradually, peppering the interest and painting a whole picture. I like the character of Ana and I'm so drawn into this quest already.
Will absolutely back as soon as my previous commitments are finished their time on my shelf.
Connie
Moonstone Beach

Hello Sandi Newman,

Off the bat, I love the beginning of your storyline since it offers the chance to go in any direction. When the diamonds were spread over the earth, that makes the reader curious as to how they will affect the future. On a deeper note, I was wondering what this represented. Besides destroying the magic of the kingdom, I believe it also offers new hope, kind of like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. But I'll see later on!

I also liked how you combined the description of the history of the world at the end of chapter one. This makes the reader wonder how it will improve.

My only suggestions center on the changing of fronts through chapter one and the details of the location at the beginning :} I know it's very minor, but I believe it might help if you describe the scene where Horius and Dorin fight. I thought it took place in an arena like in Rome, but I wasn't sure.

The switching between fronts isn't major at all, but I wasn't sure if you knew about it.

Over all, six stars :}

kind regards,

David Joyce

Your pitch is great! I always love adventure/fantasy stories. The opening flows really well, and I love when a story really transports to me to a different time and/or place. Yours did all of the above! I am watch listing you and will read more as time permits. I would appreciate any comments on my book Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Thanks and best of luck to you!

Ashley

Hello, a while back we agreed to do a read swap. I have been busy but hope you will still comment on Age of Resurgence. You will find my comments imbedded in parentheses. I have commented on your short and long pitch and through ch 4. I hope you find them helpful.

Crown of Crysaldor by Sandie Newman

Short: This is a bit long. Try condensing. Example: After three hundred years of darkness, an adventure begins to find the crown that will restore Crysaldor.

Long: a fierce battles (battle) rages. (This is a compound sentence, consider splitting it in two.)
The battle’s devastating outcome (do the same here)
As the magic . . . crown is complete (delete, this is unnecessary. Link the loss of magic to the broken crown without a wordy explanation)
and the time has finally come for the crown and diamonds to be found. (Delete/replace with comma. Focus on the group of friends. Recommend adding the name of main character or mc. If u have many mc's, focus on the most important here. Try to introduce without listing.)
find the courage, determination and strength to find the lost crown and diamonds and (delete)
restore (add: the crown of) Crysaldor before the magic fades forever.

Ch 1: Horius(,) finish him! (It is unclear who is speaking here. Is the crowd addressing the king by his first name?)
drown out their shouts (who is shouting?)
his face inches from Horius’ snarling face (the double usage of face makes sentence awkward)
for a split-second (recommend you delete this, sentence works better without it)
his hands and landed with a (avoid using and + verb whenever possible, replace with landing)
flipped his sword (confusing, was he holding the blade end?)
As Horius dropped to his knees (l found this paragraph bothersome because I think it unlikely Dorin could get the drop on Horius)
For half an hour (this is a lot of trudging for only half an hour)
As he started to climb ... as he trampled (I wouldn't use both of these in same sentence)
he placed his sword on the ground (has he been holding it this whole time, swords are usually placed in scabbards)
because everyone knew (very telling, try showing the reader the effect of removing the diamonds. Also, I was disappointed at how easily the source of all magic in the kingdom was dismantled, and no after effect, very anticlimatic, could use work)

Ch 2: (This ch was much more pleasant to read particularly during the dialogue. Your setting descriptions are laborious mainly because your sentences tend to run on. If you condense these sections and break them up into shorter sentences, I think it will read much better.)
looked through his home that, apart from the flickering light behind her, was (wordy, replace with peered into a home)
flames warm(ed) her chilled face
Her long ... her long, brown dress. (Double usage, revise)
evening(, always use comma when addressing a person) Theodor

Ch 3: wildly as it (delete it) he ran
on foot(,) and he would be
Hello(,) mother

Ch4: her hands clasping (clasped) nervously together
It will not be easy ... (Revise sentence)
(")You will need to take
who owns him(,) and I have
window she found that (she?) could not have
As she looked out, she allowed herself to feel once again what any person would feel when they were about to do something like this, uncertain. ( sentences like this are making me want to but this book down. You do this a lot. You need to get to the point.)

All and all, you have a gift for telling an interesting story, but you need to work on not rambling on. That is not to say that every sentence should be short. Just stay on point and try not to be so redundant in your writing. Good luck. With some editing this will be a great story.

Ryan Holmes
Age of Resurgence

Hi Sandie,

I read the first chapter and it looks like a nice start, though to be honest, it feels more like a draft...very unpolished.

First, there are a lot of punctuation errors, especially with comma usage.

Second, some of the dialogue feels a bit too formal for the situation. The attempts at captuaring emotion seem a little hackneyed. That said, the flow and pacing is very well done, so it's not like it isn't fixable.

Third, there's way too much passiveness in the writing. This is an action scene. Why isn't there more active voice? For instance, saying something like "With one thrust, he slayed his opponent" is passive. Whereas, "He slayed his opponent with one thrust" is more active. Note where the suborinate and independent clauses reside. Each is effective in portraying different feelings and moods. Be sure to be deliberate in which you use when you use them.

Fourth, be careful about tenses. "Horius dug..." and "his face inches away..." were in the same sentence, yet the first part is past tense, while the second part is present tense. Be consistent.

Fifth, "He breathed heavily as he stood and watched his brother fall."
This is a great sentence and placed perfectly. It's simple, yet reveals so much about the significance of what's going on. And, it accomplishes all that without detracting from the action at hand. Nicely done.

Overall...a good start. I think it needs some elbow grease still (at least the chapter I read). I like that it begun with the action scene. It's clear as to what's going on, and exciting enough of a hook.

Phil

This isn't the kind of genre I usually read but I found the opening to this really quite enthralling. I think it's always best to start the novel right in the middle of some action and this really delivers! Good luck with the book!

Hi Sandie could i interest you in taking a look at my book 'Tales to read to children'. if you dodn't want to that is fine. i will get back to you with a comment on your The Crown of Crysaldor.
thanks Brian

Hi Sandie,
Great opening with some rivetting action. Have you considered shortening some of your long sentences. This might help to heighten the drama and pace of the opening fight sequence?

Art Aliz
http://www.artalis.co.uk

Hi Sandie,

I got up to chapter 3, toyed with reading a bit more before commenting but as I type this it's locked for editing so...Still, I feel I've read enough to give a good chunk of (hopefully useful) feedback.

I'll start with the story. From what I've read this has all the traditional makings of a fantasy story and you certainly seem to understand the fundamental concepts of such a tale. You've clearly separated out the key components and then put them back together with your own imagination, creating a story which is unique to yourself. That you can do this shows you know how to create the tale.

So, onto how you convey it. It's a mixed bag, but don't worry there's nothing awful here (and yes, I'd tell you if there was. Politely of course, but I believe in honesty), but some things you do better than others. A prime example is the difference in your descriptions; your character descriptions are far too systematic, often using repetition instead of blending it into the narrative using context. For example, in the first chapter you use 'long, brown' twice within a very short space of time. Other parts seem to tell the reader of character aspects that don't really have any importance, thus 'telling' rather than 'showing'.
On the other side of this 'coin', your setting descriptions are really quite good - the little house, the woods on her way home, both are conveyed with just the right amount of detail to give an outline and let the reader create the rest. This is how to keep the reader hooked, and you do it well.

In terms of the more technical side of things, generally your writing is good. There are some issues with punctuation (in particular commas and question marks) but nothing a good edit won't sort out. I feel your sentence structuring could also be smoothed out, though part of that is related to what I mentioned about character description. Also try and cut back a bit on unnecessary adjectives and adverbs.

Finally I'd like to mention your prologue. A lot of people don't understand the purpose of a prologue and I've lost count of the amount I've read that were either pointless or should have been the first chapter. You do understand what it should be and as such it serves to both introduce the reader as well as provide the necessary background information to your story. Personally I'd pad it out a bit more, particularly straight after the fight, but that's just me.

And that's it. I hope you've found some of what I've said useful.

D M Sharples.

Hi Sandie. I just checked out chapter one and really enjoyed the fast pace. I felt I was really there watching the fight between Dorin and Horius, I could smell the fear and sweat and see the blood flow and feel the tension. You write evocatively and it was a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more.

Also thanks for using a larger font. I can't always get the text magnifier to work and I suffer from early stage Diabetic Retinopathy which makes reading small text difficult.

My shelf is committed atm but I will w/l you and give you some stars and hopefully returtn to read more soon.

Hi Sandie. I just checked out chapter one and really enjoyed the fast pace. I felt I was really there watching the fight between Dorin and Horius, I could smell the fear and sweat and see the blood flow and feel the tension. You write evocatively and it was a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more.

Also thanks for using a larger font. I can't always get the text magnifier to work and I suffer from early stage Diabetic Retinopathy which makes reading small text difficult.

My shelf is committed atm but I will w/l you and give you some stars and hopefully returtn to read more soon.

Hi Sandie. I just checked out chapter one and really enjoyed the fast pace. I felt I was really there watching the fight between Dorin and Horius, I could smell the fear and sweat and see the blood flow and feel the tension. You write evocatively and it was a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more.

Also thanks for using a larger font. I can't always get the text magnifier to work and I suffer from early stage Diabetic Retinopathy which makes reading small text difficult.

My shelf is committed atm but I will w/l you and give you some stars and hopefully returtn to read more soon.

Hi Sandie. I just checked out chapter one and really enjoyed the fast pace. I felt I was really there watching the fight between Dorin and Horius, I could smell the fear and sweat and see the blood flow and feel the tension. You write evocatively and it was a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more.

Also thanks for using a larger font. I can't always get the text magnifier to work and I suffer from early stage Diabetic Retinopathy which makes reading small text difficult.

My shelf is committed atm but I will w/l you and give you some stars and hopefully returtn to read more soon.

Hi Sandie,
sounds like you know how to handle a sword! great writing, I enjoyed this. You may care to read a few chapters of my 'Terrible Tale of Lisa Egg' - a light hearted look at Early England under Norman occupation.

Good luck with your book

Cyrus

WOW... just wow.
I fell really sorry for myself, sorry that I've only just started to read this.
What I write is based purely on the first chapter.
What a great opening, in fact it may be one of the best openings I've read on here.
The fight was brutal, I flinched when Dorin twisted the knife, and could visualise the crown being broken into pieces.
I think what i love most about this, is the idea itself. It's brilliant, I'm extremely jealous I hadn't thought of it. But that's not enough, you have to have the writing to go with the idea. Thankfully you do! Your writing is perfectly paced, descriptive enough to create beautiful imaginative scenes, and well thought out.
The last paragraph of the chapter was brilliant in particular, it made me want to read on.
I'm so happy I saw this and came to read it.
I will rate you six stars for now, and will back you as soon as I have a space on my shelf. Actually, scrap that, I need to back this now.

Well done :)


Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Very interesting storyline. Loved the opening sword fight but wasn't surprised the combatants were brothers. The scorned sibling taking revenge is good and this malevolent nemesis leads to the downfall of Crysaldor. Good beginning, details are excellent, suitable for the genre. Good Luck, will highly star and WL to shelve later.

Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

The Crown of Crysaldor
By Sandie Newman


Chapters 1-4


Chapter 1
is probably in the five best openings I have ever read in the fantasy genre. The idea that magic is connected to the crown of the king of the realm, was justified by its own symbolism. Mind-blowing idea. Kudos on the name Crysaldor as well. Awesome name.

I turned the page to read more, as I thought I was so lucky I found a masterpiece of high fantasy… Well, I wasn't. Everything that follows just added a bit to my stopping the reading in the second half of the fourth chapter.


Chapters 2-3-4

Point #1
Is it Theodor or Talibar?

Point #2
The descriptions of the rooms take forever. You can mention objects and their exact location once someone is found using them. A room is better described in detail only if a very large scene/ chapter(s) is taking place there. Otherwise it is deemed as unnecessary information hindering the pace. And it worked. It hindered the pace.

Point #3
Phrase “the crackling of wood was providing some comfort, as she felt its warmth, but not much." Is it important that it’s not much? Does it have to? Wasn’t it sufficient? -- many a phrases as this one.

Point #4
“If only there was someone else, anyone, willing to go in her place”
We will never know if there is anyone else, as no one else has had the chance to listen to the story from Talibar… It doesn’t add up to be so disappointed.

Point #5
What is the relationship between Talibar and Ana? Why was she in his place?

Point #6
The manner in which Ana receives the three hundred year old legend makes it all sound mundane. The same with the mother. Everyone believed it so easily!

It ‘s like saying to someone “Hey, do you remember Colombus the guy that found America?” “Yes, what about him?” “Talibar said he was a vampire and that from his bloodline came all the rulers of the U.S.” “No shit. I believe you. Let me tell my mom, and then we’ll see what we can do about it.” “Wait no. You are the one who is supposed to kill Colombus the vampire.” “No shit. I believe you, but I’ll sleep on it and I’ll get back to you on that.” Do you see what I mean?

Point #7
I actually laughed at the question of the mother “What if you go looking for the crown and you don’t find anything?” As if that is anyone’s biggest concern right now!

Point #8
“I believe him because he has one of the diamonds!”
So the argument that he’s lost his mind, is just left aside because he showed her a diamond? Wouldn’t he do so either way if he had a story to sell?

Point #9
You shouldn’t be describing the basic form of a unicorn, unless unicorns are different in your world.

Point #10
The dialogue was forced. All of it. It should be replayed in your mind, possibly even read aloud and then rewritten.

Point #11
The descriptions of the inner world of Ana make no sense. A moment she is afraid, the next she is angry and the next she is reminiscent etc. People have feelings and emotions due to specific reasons. Give me a reason and then the emotion. The fact that Ana is invited from Talibar/Theodor to be part of a legend should have one reaction until something changes. You forced the facts and emotions followed behind.


My suggestion

The answer to all of this in the fantasy genre has always been the same. Fate. Show me the fate behind it all happening somehow. Why her? Because Talibar said so? Why does he believe that? And why did she? And after that her mother. Fate is something above and behind it all. And where fate is, faith is both inspired and justified. Every bit of fantasy is built on faith inspired by fate. Think about it. And if you see my point, check your storyline.

I know I can be harsh, but I try to be detailed so that you can see that there is nothing personal. In the comments around mine I don't see many people sharing my point of view, which means that I may be wrong, and although I strongly believe what I wrote, you may discard anything you don't find of use. A review should be constructive. I was ecstatic where the story deserved it and dissapointed where I felt so, and I hope you will feel that I mean it when I say "Nothing personal".
If the latter is the case, I would appreciate it if you could check on my book at some point.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/35929/the-book-of-the-forsaken-first-book-of-the-game-series-/

Yannis

First line: great hook, straight into the action, brilliant opening for a Fantasy novel.

5th paragraph: I'm impressed. This is actually a genuine disarming technique, the truine strike at the opponent's sword to vibrate it from their hand. It's also a genuine method of deliberately breaking the opponent's sword; the only thing I'd suggest is clarity between these two possibilities, the word "smashed" implies the sword actually broke, whereas in the next moment Dorin is apparently just disarmed.

The highly detailed style flows nicely and with obvious skill, but there are places where events could be relayed with less words; I feel that tightening your style up would bring your writing "voice" through more clearly.

Overall, this is very good; 5 stars, nearly 6, definitely on the Watchlist and a candidate for the bookshelf when a space apprears.

Again, like I said in the forum, your writing style is too forced. I think you need to sound it out as you write, or read it back every paragraph. I think you have a real story here, though, which once your done will require massive revision to get this flow to your work.
In one section you use He 4 or 5 times to begin a paragraph. But bloody good storyline.

i loved the book was very intertaining
found a couple small details you might wanna fix :)))
1) in opening story and per you say 300 years and in the book you say 100 years for dark age
easy fix and its nit picking but e all know how publishers are
2)also you call the hero a him a couple times another no biggy to fix
read it all and will back it
was great reading and a wonderful plot
very well done and well told

Overall this is what YA adventure fantasy is. I have only read Ch1 - 3 but you have the quest, the young hero, and large obstacles to over come and learn from. This has got potential and my attention.
To go a little more into detail i really like the fact that you pick a female to be the main character and hero (or at least that is what it seems). Most fantasy and YA fantasy puts the man or young boy as the hero and it is refreshing to see something different.
I can tell this is really polished for typos but I did find one that was slightly confusing. "She felt her hear sink and her... Ch 3" I might be complete off target here but is it supposed to be "hear" or "hair"? I apologize if this is a bit nit-picky but this was the only one I found so I wanted to help out :)
I am excited to read more and see what is in store for Ana!
Best wishes and Good luck
-P.M. Daley - Birth of the Warrior

Main point is this though ... having read Chs 1-3 I feel as if I am in. The writing is good and the story ticks all the rick boxes. The Harper Collins reviews might say how is it different from other stories in the genre. As I am not familiar with the genre I don't know the answer to that. But I am curious enough to want to read more. Will print out three more chapters. *bows*

THE CROWN OF CRYSALDOR

Ch 3

A consolidation and development chapter, preparatory. None of the fire or mystery of the first two. But the is fine. We need contrast. And it is important to show A becoming committed to her adventure. This is esp clear towards the end of the chapter when her mother talks of fairytales and makes it all sound crazy. But the is the nature of adventures, they have to be crazy. Also by now A is committed and the slap or reality from her mother is not going to stop her. So this shows the normal inter-generational conflict between the wisdom and realism of ages vs the romance and vigour of youth.

I found myself thinking of the magic as poetry. I don't think we live in a very romantic or poetic age. I think we have lost much romance. And I think it was the 20th centuries great events the killed it, literally. WW1, communist terror and realism, fascism, WW2, the cold war, science, social fragmentation. Romance has been in retreat. It is not dead, but it is scorned by 'happening, cool' people. And yet we still crave it. HP's massive success shows how much we still want it, need it even. And so I read 'I was once able to perform magic spells and make potions.' as 'I was once abot to perform magic verses and make rhymes.' And yes, maybe the time really has 'finally come' for us to honour romance again. In many ways we are living in a materialistic Doriania.

I like 'it's still very dark out there' as it is, though of course 'out there' cld actually be inside us, that part of our being which we still don't understand and -- I hope -- maybe never will. I like 'hood/ quest/ roof of the forest/ pale grey moon so low it almost touched the horizon.' Of course the moon may symbolise madness and romance is a sort of madness. But this is absolutely not bad as it is as much a part of what we are as super-uber-rationality. In some ways super-uber-rationality may just another fairytale, and can be super-uber damaging. Lenin was a great rationalist, yet behaved a million times worse than Dorin and plunged millions of people in darkness for decades. Maybe Lenin even caused Hitler.

I think the best part of Ch 3 is the four graphs where A becomes committed to the quest, starting with 'Ana looked at the fire again...' I esp like 'Now she knew what she had to do and for the first time wasn't afraid.' Very positive. Like it. Want to feel like that.

Two tiny nits ... 1. I wonder if you need to actually define what a unicorn is? 2. In those four big commitment graphs you have 'She felt her hear sink...'

Ron
WATCHING SWIFTS