Book Jacket

 

rank 286
word count 101071
date submitted 21.07.2009
date updated 18.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
complete

The Crown of Crysaldor

Sandie Newman

After a dark age of three hundred years, an adventure begins to restore Crysaldor. The crown must be found that was thought lost forever.

 

It is the year 1050. In the magical kingdom of Crysaldor, a fierce battle rages between King Horius and his evil brother, Dorin. Following the battle’s devastating outcome the kingdom’s name is changed to Dorinia and all talk of Crysaldor, forbidden. As the magic in Crysaldor only works when the king’s crown is complete, Dorin removes its diamonds and throws them away, forcing the kingdom into a dark age. Over time, Crysaldor becomes a legend that only a few remember.

Three hundred years later and the time has finally come for the crown and diamonds to be found. A group of friends including a young girl, a ranger, a pixie, a fairy and a baby dragon, begin a thrilling and perilous adventure that will take them all over Dorinia. As they follow the Unicorns of Alorvia they discover the windy Ever Mountains, the Valley of Fire and the very heart of Crysaldor itself.

Together they must somehow find the courage, determination and strength to find the lost crown and diamonds and restore Crysaldor before the magic fades forever.



Cover by the brilliant Bradley Wind

 
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tags

adventure, courage, determination, diamonds, dragons, fantasy, fiction, hope, unicorns

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Chapters

1

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Metal thrashed and slammed against metal. With every strike at King Horius’ blade, Dorin tightened his clenched fists against vibrations that shot through his sword.

“Horius finish him!”

“Kill him! Kill him!”

The heckling and cheering from the horde of spectators that surrounded them threatened to drown out their shouts, grunts and roars.

Dorin’s sweat-soaked hair fell in his eyes and whipped his skin. His ripped trousers rubbed sore the bloodied cuts on his legs but the sight of Horius’ spilled blood and trousers just as torn made their agreement not to wear armour very satisfying. 

Dorin swung his blade aiming for Horius’ chest. With a deafening clang, Horius blocked Dorin’s blade with his own, their swords scraping as they crossed. Dorin dug his boots into the loose earth. Growling behind gritted teeth, his face inches from Horius’ snarling face, he pushed with all his might, forcing Horius to step back.

Horius struck Dorin’s blade three times and then with a deafening roar he drew his sword back and smashed Dorin’s sword again. The force of the blow caught Dorin off-guard, his sword flew out of his hands and landed with a thump on the ground several feet away.

Horius kicked his leg from under him. He crashed to the ground, landing flat on his back, pain shooting through his body. Horius stood by his side and flipped his sword. He clasped the handle between both hands, the tip pointing straight at Dorin’s chest.

As Horius dropped to his knees and raised his arms as high as they would go, Dorin kept low and pulled on every stomach muscle. He brought his right knee toward him just enough so that he could reach into his boot. His fingers found the end of the handle of his dagger. He pulled it free and grabbed it with his fist, the blade pointing down.

Just before Horius could strike, Dorin thrust the blade into Horius’ naked chest, straight into his heart. The shock forced Horius’ eyes and mouth wide open as gasps and cries echoed through the crowd.

Dorin felt every muscle in his stomach strain once again as he got up. He rolled onto his left hand and pushed himself up, his arm almost collapsing under his weight. His feet found the ground beneath him, his fatigue forcing him to stagger as he regained his balance.

He breathed heavily as he stood and watched his brother fall. Horius’ hip, shoulder and finally his head thudded on the ground. He rolled onto his back, his sweat-covered arm coated with dirt and blood oozing from his wound.  Dorin walked around him like a vulture, waiting for his prey to die.

    Dorin reached Horius’ side, kicked his sword out of his hand and sent it sliding across the ground.

I should have been king not you!” Dorin yelled. “I had to watch as you were crowned. I said nothing for five long years, but no more. Justice has finally been done!” He spat the words like venom that had been infecting the back of his throat.

But brother.” Horius forced from his mouth as he gasped his last few breaths, his chest moving up and down.

No, Horius!” The cry came from the crowd. As Dorin looked over, he saw Horius’ wife on her knees, crying. Their young son stared blankly at his father, his hand resting on his mother for comfort. Dorin also saw a friend of Horius walking out of the crowd toward them.

“Do not move! This is not your battle!” He shouted as he pointed at Horius’ friend.

    Dorin looked back at Horius and smiled. Kneeling at his side, he wrapped his hand firmly around the handle of the dagger. He clenched his teeth and looking at Horius’ face quickly twisted the knife.

    Horius’ body jerked as he cried out in agony and his eyes slammed shut. He gasped for air as his chest moved slower and slower. Saying no more, he opened his eyes and turned his head toward the crowd. He took his last breath and his chest stopped moving.

The king was dead.

Dorin let go of the knife and rose to his feet. He took several deep breaths as he felt all the anger and hatred rising through his body. He clenched his fists and lifted his head.

“Raaarrrgghh! I am king!” He roared into the air.

He took another deep breath and his knees thumped on the ground again. He wrapped his hand around the handle of his knife. As he pressed down on Horius chest with his other hand, he enjoyed the feeling of Horius’ blood oozing under his palm. He sharply pulled his dagger from Horius’ chest, turned his other hand over and looked at it, covered in blood. He looked at the lifeless body, back at his hand and then clenched his fist, to destroy his brother’s blood as he had just destroyed his life.

He wiped his hand and then both sides of the blade on Horius’ trousers, watching as red soaked into brown and then replaced the knife in his boot. He then turned his attention to the crown. 

Reaching over, his fingernails scratched Horius’ forehead as he took hold of the crown and lifted it from his head. He wrapped his whole hand around it and enjoyed the feeling of it finally being in his possession. He stood and or in his deep, guttural voice addressed the crowd. 

The battle is mine, the crown is mine and from now onward this kingdom will be known as Dorinia. Any person found to be uttering the word Crysaldor will pay the price.”

He walked to his sword and felt his back strain as he bent down. He picked the heavy blade up and then, as he was walking away, took one last look at Horius without the crown. As he left the battle with the crown in his left hand and his sword in the other, he cared nothing as he heard the spectators weeping and shouting and the thudding as they all ran to Horius.

    For half an hour, he trudged on foot as fast as his weary body would allow him. Traversing sharp, ragged rocks, shallow streams and endless fields, he finally arrived at what he thought was the highest peak in the kingdom: a mountain that reached so high it appeared to scrape the sky. At the very top, a long, thin ledge pointed like a great, thin finger to the west.

    As he started to climb, his whole body ached as he trampled grass and jutting rocks. His knees felt as though they might break as he pushed on every muscle in his legs. He gritted his teeth every time his trousers rubbed up and down his torn skin. His heart raced and thudded in his ears as his lungs fought for air. He started to regret his decision to climb this mountain but then remembered what he was about to do and felt adrenaline surging through his veins once again.

After several hours of climbing with only a few stops, he eventually reached the summit. As he stopped to rest, the pain in his legs eased. He raised his head, opened his mouth wide and drank in the air, if only it was water, if only it was raining! 

As his lungs filled a few more times, he looked over at the end of the ledge, just a few more steps. The ledge was long and narrow, barely a foot wide, but, like the mountain, made of solid rock. He took a few steps and to his relief it stayed solid and did not bounce like a plank over the side of a ship. His eyes remained fixed on the ledge so as not to lose his footing but either side he could see the green blur of the landscape laid out beneath him, several thousand feet below.

He reached the end and surveyed the view. This was perfect, most of the kingdom beneath his feet. In front, he could just make out the white rushing waters of a waterfall. All around, a mass of green leaves from hundreds of trees and vast green, red and yellow fields covered the ground. Rivers weaved in between great mountains and in the distance, the great, black, spiked mountain that was his fortress. To the left, several miles from it, lay the heart of the kingdom and the cause of his misery, Horius’ castle.

As he lifted the crown closer in his clenched fist, he could feel the smooth edge digging into his flesh. The rage burned inside him like a wild fire as he stared at one of the diamonds and thought of how his father had betrayed him. He should have been king, being the eldest, but their father had declared that Horius would rule Crysaldor and not him.

If he could not wear the crown, then he would make sure that nobody else could either!

Dropping to one knee, he placed his sword on the ground. He retrieved his knife from his boot, held it up and smiled as he noticed the dried bloodstains still on it from stabbing Horius. Turning it back and forth, he let the blade catch the sunlight and shine in his eyes. Then, because everyone knew that the magic in the kingdom only worked when the crown was complete with all eight diamonds, he forced the tip between one of the small, dome-shaped gems and the crown. As it came loose, he held the knife in his hand and took hold of the diamond between his fingers.

The only place he could put the dislodged diamond was on the ledge, as he had no pockets and held the crown in his other hand. He was tempted to just drop the diamonds where he stood but didn’t want them to bounce off the ledge, out of his control.

He put the first one down in front of him and dislodged the others, placing them all on the ledge. When he had finished, he slipped the knife back in his boot and with a clank, put the crown on the ledge. He picked up the diamonds one by one and placed them in the palm of his right hand.

Rising to his feet, he looked at them sitting there, oblivious to what was about to happen. Knowing it was the last time he or anyone would ever see them he smiled again. As he closed his hand over them, he could feel them digging into the flesh of his fingers. For a second he let himself enjoy the pain, the same pain that was about to disappear.

He pulled his right arm back as far as it would go with his elbow bent and stepped back with his right foot to steady himself. His whole body twisted and his left arm curved in front for balance. Pausing for a moment, he let all the hatred and anger swell to its peak as every muscle tensed. Then, with all the force he could muster, he threw his right hand forward and let them go. 

The feeling of the diamonds leaving his hand and the sight of them flying through the air like rocks leaving a trebuchet, glittering as they caught the sunlight, gave him more pleasure than he could ever have imagined. Smaller and smaller they got, until finally he couldn’t see them anymore. He lifted his head into the air and stretched his arms as wide as they would go. A cool breeze blew at his face and chest as a great feeling of satisfaction hit him like a tidal wave, washed over him and coursed through his veins. 

“I am king! Dorinia is mine!” He yelled from the ledge. The fact that only he could hear his words did not matter, the fact that they were the truth, did.

For several minutes, he remained on the ledge, thinking about what he had just done. Horius was dead, the crown was in pieces and Crysaldor was now Dorinia everything had worked out exactly as he had wanted.

The magic that, to him, had hung in the air like a vile smell would slowly begin to die. He had the control and the power over all Dorinia, finally and would rule for many years to come.

 

The months following the battle saw Dorin’s predictions coming true. The magic and even the sunlight slowly started to fade as a dark age consumed the kingdom. Wizards and witches discovered they could do nothing as they started to lose their magical powers and some, afraid of what might happen, went into hiding or disguised their true identities. Unicorns and dragons who once roamed freely just seemed to vanish.

As time passed by the people started to forget and slipped into a way of life they had come to accept until Crysaldor became a legend that only a few remember.

For three hundred years, the kingdom waited patiently. It knew that the magic would never be completely gone, the darkness would not last forever and that one day, the time would come.

Chapters

1

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Rakhi wrote 743 days ago

What a great tale - who will not love a great quest, that to for diamonds that bring magic when placed in a crown. Highly imaginative. You seem to have covered all the bases to create a read that will captivate your audience. You start with great action, sword fighting between two mighty opponents and set the scene for the lost diamonds. Then slowly we get introduced to the well portrayed characters and the wise Talibar. I loved the small details, like the attire of robes which adds to the mystique and the imaginative names of the characters and the place Crysaldor.
Your writing style and narration suits the story.
Backed earlier and gald to have read more to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Daniel Manning wrote 750 days ago

The moment I began reading this I was rivetted, a gutsy swordfight in a time when their were warriors, fighting for thier kingdoms,power survival. Being male myself, these sort of adventure stories I can really enjoy. You really brought the characters into a life and death arena, no mercy , no quarter given. In the next chapter we enter into a knew era, fables about crysaldor that beckon a girl on a quest, a dangerous forebodeing quest. Her innocence and naivety makes me fear what wii happen to her. I'll have to put this on my watchlist with a view to shelve it.

carlashmore wrote 783 days ago

This is terrific stuff. You write in the most accomplished manner and I loved the fact that we are straight into the action. Any great fantasy novel should start with swords clashing, in my humble opinion. However, what most impressed me with the three chapters I read was the way your prose was so effortless yet enchanting and thoroughly gripping. You have created a wonderful and very imaginative world that I'm certain there is a huge market for. I wish you all the best with it. Carl. The Time Hunters.

CactusFlower wrote 16 hours ago

Why this languishes, I don't know.

rikasworld wrote 2 days ago

I love the first chapter. The sword fight is real blood and guts stuff and the premise that the kingdom will blighted by the breaking of the crown is good strong magic. I think that's one of the best sword fights I've ever read! Chapter 2 carried me along as well and the world you have created is well described. The tone after that seemed different. I felt the first chapter was more adult than YA but then becomes young adult. As I'm a pretty old adult the first part was more fun for me.
I wasn't too sure about the riding lesson. I'd say she's going to get hurt!
Great read though and I really enjoyed it. It swept me along and the characters were believable and sympathetic. High stars and on my watchlist.

Valentina wrote 9 days ago

Hi,

One thing I’ve noticed on Authonomy is a stream of praise but not much real constructive criticism. So that is what I’m giving, as in my opinion, it is not helpful to not point out necessary faults if someone seriously wants to be a writer! So here’s my hopefully helpful, constructive criticism.

I like the premise of your story, and I think the plot could certainly be a hit, however the writing needs work. I’ve given some examples below:

‘She lit the fire (and) orange and yellow flames sprang to life’ – and seems a bad joining word here. I’d use something like ‘She lit the fire, causing orange and yellow flames to spring to life’ or something like that.

Battle description can sound a bit amateur - like he did this, then he did that. It’s better when you show more rather than tell it. I’ve re-written a little bit to show what I mean.

Dorin’s sweat soaked hair fell into his eyes and whipped at his skin. His ripped trousers rubbed at the bloodied sores on his legs, causing him to wince, but the sight of his opponent’s equally damaged and cut-up skin made the their agreement not to wear armour worth the pain.

When you use speech, you shouldn’t capitalise the description after it. For example, ‘Justice has finally been done!’ He spat.’ Should be – he spat.

Also, you need to have commas, never full stops, between speech and the rest of the sentence, unless it’s an exclamation or question. E.g. ‘But brother,’ Horius forced from his mouth...’

Don’t like the use of ‘Raaarggghhh’ – sounds childish, not realistic.

Chapter 2 – your writing seems a lot smoother from the beginning of chapter 2

I liked your story but it does need work, best of luck!

patio wrote 11 days ago

your pitch got me turning the pages and it didn't disappoint. A fabulous story

still reading....

Gao Zuojia wrote 12 days ago

After reading the first few chapters I was struck by the difference between the first chapter and the second. The second seems more complete, the first is in serious need of proofreading and revision. There are some poor word choices and questionable sentences, e.g. "With a deafening clang, Horius blocked his blade with his own" would have read more easily as "With a deafening clang, Horius blocked [Dorin's sword/steel] with his own". Having said that, I must say that I liked what I read. Beginning the book with a conflict/battle grabbed my attention and roused my curiosity. I will be watchlisting your manuscript and hope to get back to it shortly. I invite you to read my manuscript, Kailai and the Dragon Prince, and leave any constructive criticism you might have. - Gao Zuojia a/k/a Patrick Hall

Tarzan For Real wrote 13 days ago

I have gotten the oppurtunity to read further. Excellent descriptions and details of this wonderful world. Strong narrative and storyline continues. You put a lot of work into the concept characters. Great job and a continued excellent read.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Julio Guzman wrote 17 days ago


Wow! I've only read the first chapter so far but I had to comment in this as soon as possible. You've created the perfect atmosphere for this kind of story. Your dialogue is realistic and your descriptions are always vivid. The whole time, I felt like I was watching a movie. The thing I Loooved about this chapter though was how you went straight into the action, an nail biting sword fight to the death. You didn't bore the reader with excessive backstory or boring info. I think that really grabs the reader right away. 
 
The scene between the brothers Dorin and Horius was very well written. Fighting scenes are always a little complicated to write, at least for me. I'm not sure if I find the character of Dorin likable though, is he suppose to be the antogonist of the story? He was willing to kill his brother to earn his place on the throne. I felt a little bad for Horius.

The very last paragraph in chapter one is great. It makes want to keep on reading to the next chapter. I want find out what Dorin has done with Crysaldor and why magic is fading away.

I'm not into fantasy, but I enjoyed this a lot so far! Six stars:) Good luck with this.

The Knowledge wrote 22 days ago

I thought, oh no, yet another Pseudo-Tolkien tale of thigs, thogs and thoogs in an magical realm...albeit set in a time we can associate with...but after the first chapter I was pulled into the story...very well written, descriptive enough with just the right amount of dialogue / narrative....some have too much of one and not enough of the other...
This will appeal to most readers of a similar ilk I'm sure...just that this reader can't see beyond middle earth et al..
I rated this top stars for a genre that even though I am not automatically drawn to these days, but am astute enough to see a worthy addition and 'homage' to the genre.
David (Madeline & TK)

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 23 days ago

Dear Sandie

I read the first two chapters of "The Crown of Crysaldor" today and found myself in a vivid otherworld, colourful and bright. You have a strong voice, full of character and energy. Your story is well conceived and the pace is good. Imaginative details help to bring this piece to life.

You have a great story. Comb your MS for ambiguities and typos, so that it is smooth, smooth as silk. It is worth it! Reading aloud is a great way to make this easy.

All the best, Sandie!

Fran :-))

LM Fowler wrote 25 days ago

I was drawn in by your pitch as this is my kind of read, have only started but thought I should point out that your font and size changes a few times in the first chapter making it difficult/distracting for the reader. At first, I thought it might be intentional for effect but realized it happened mid-sentence in a few places. It seems to flip from Ariel to New Times and then back again. Aside from that insignificant comment, I am enjoying the read so far.

Linda
Threads of Time

femmefranglaise wrote 26 days ago

Hi Sandie,

I'm always in awe of fantasy writers because, not only do they have to come up with a story but they also have to create a whole new world to put it into. This is a great story that really grabs the reader by the throat, so to speak, from the first sentence. The death of the old king, the start of a new regime and a young girl with a quest. It's fabulous stuff. Your description is superb - I'm there in Crysaldor/Dorinia - and your characters well drawn. The pace of the story keeps the reader's interest and made me want to read on. This is a perfect book for the Young Adult market. A well-deserved six stars from me.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

sioux wrote 26 days ago

I love this genre, in the early stages I felt transported to another world and enjoyed the total escapism on offer. So far, I have only read a few chapters, but will continue when time allows. Good story well done.

CJT wrote 27 days ago

Hi Sandie.

It's clear that you've earned your spot in the top couple hundred books here.

You start with a eye-catching opening: a nicely bloody and gruesome battle with very high stakes.

Dorin's scattering of the diamonds is a very clever way to set-up a epic-scale challenge later on, to reassemble the same and restore the kingdom to its former glory.

I very much like Ana's call to action by Theodore and her follow-on internal struggle to accept or deny the challenge.

Your settings come alive with vivid detail, and are quite cinematic. This is especially true in the description of the sword fight and later regarding the kingdom as it spreads below Dorin's feet after his mountain climb. Your description makes for immediate reader immersion.

You evoke some nice images that are clearly visible in the reader's mind:
"Dorin's sweat-soaked hair fell in his eyes and whipped his skin."
"Horius stood by his side and flipped his sword."

You also have a good sense for setting up conflict. For example, I like that most, if not all, of the kingdom are clearly not behind Dorin. This presents endless sources for conflict.

Some minor mechanical observations:

Chapter 1:
Odd placement of a comma after 'them': "The heckling and cheering from the horde of spectators that surrounded them, threatened to drown out their shouts, grunts, and roars."
Later, a good sentence about ripped trousers, but it is too long, and needs breaking-up. Starts with: "His ripped trousers rubbed..."
"Horius counter-attacked." I found this sentence unnecessary. Just remove this and let the action follow.
Comma splice in sentence starting with: "The force of the blow..."
"I should have been king not you." I think this is missing punctuation or could be split into two sentences.
"Eyes slammed shut..." Not sure of that choice of verb.

Chapter 2:
I found the use of periods before speech attribution distracting: "... rather than a cold, dark one." He said putting ...
Overuse of "grey" in this chapter (good scene setting though)
I think you can split up the sentence that begins: "He took out two grey blankets..." (grey again!)
I'm a bit suspicious that knowledge of magical creatures, like unicorns, was not passed on through at least some historical documentation, or an oral tradition. A total ignorance of these creatures wouldn't be believable, except by magic, which has been banished.

Chapter 3:
Nice chapter. But I do hope to find that Ana has some personal stake in the proposed journey for her to restore the crown jewels. Has she perhaps long suspected a magic in life that was deep within her, but smothered somehow? She needs a personal connection to this mission, other than just being asked by an old man she admires.

Melissa Writes wrote 29 days ago

The first chapter is very dramatic and exciting, and you write very well. I particuarly loved the start of chapter two, where Ana and Theodor are introduced, the imagery is really detailed and vivid. Keeping you on my WL for future shelving, just as soon as I have some space!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Tarzan For Real wrote 33 days ago

Great opening sequence with the tension built from line one. The dialogue was sharp as the blade that entered Horius's chest and the characters have believability. I'll continue to read on and review.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Tarzan For Real wrote 34 days ago

The pitch is great Sandie or is it because I've become so hooked on this gendre thanks to George R.R. Martin (Game Of Thrones/Clash of Kings/etc.)!

I'll read on further and give you a review shortly. Great concept so far though.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

melissa_simonson wrote 42 days ago

Hi Sandie,

I think this has all the right elements for a perfect YA fantasy novel (though I admit I haven't read much of them, except for Harry Potter).

I like how the action is immediate- it's sort of jarring to the reader, and practically begs them to keep reading. And then the king is killed! A novel beginning with something that is definetly going to be a page-turner.

I get this line often, but occasionally it was a bit too wordy. The imagery was amazing in the beginning but toward the second chapter I felt it was a little too much.

However, I loved the note you ended the first chapter on. Also I notice that you classified this as YA, and it reads as such, but seems to have the ability to cross over into Adult Fantasy.

Keeping this on my WL!

Melissa

Dianna Lanser wrote 43 days ago

Sandy,

Your are obviously a very gifted writer. Words are purposely crafted around your characters and scenes to produce a dramatic effect right from the very beginning.

I loved this line: “He spat the words like venom that had been infecting the back of his throat.

While life dwindles from King Horius, the reader can almost feel the light fading as a somber gray overtakes the forgotten kingdom of Crysaldor.

Despite the solemn outlook, there is a glimmer of hope that is found in one diamond and one beautiful girl. And here is where the clearly defined quest begins.

Although I only read the tip of the iceberg, the cleanness and length of your manuscript and your remarkable ability to paint a scene with words, leaves no doubt in my mind that what lies beyond chapter three will prove to take the reader on an adventure that will not disappoint. Six Stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hege Nabo wrote 44 days ago

I think I had forgotten how much I love this kind of story! A quest, diamonds, adventure.

The prologue is well-written and exciting. At the start of the first chapter, however, I got a little stuck in the description of the house. It sounds a little mechanic, giving too much information about the relative placement of all the furniture. Also it could be spread out more rather than one paragraph in the beginning of the sentence. Just my humble opinion of course.

Good luck!
Hege - The Silver Bell

katemb wrote 47 days ago

This story begins with a cracking sword fight and I loved it when it turned out they were brothers. All the physical description is excellent. I've read to the end of Chapter 4. The writing is great and it flows easily. I had a question in my mind about why Theodor picks Ana for this task. She's a likeable character but I've little hint of her life before this and what qualities she has that will help her find the diamonds. Perhaps I will just have to read more to find out!
Glad to have found The Crown of Crysaldor,
Best,
Kate

Geddy25 wrote 70 days ago

Enjoyable and easy to read with a very intriguing, fast paced plot. This genre is still very popular and this is one of the best in that category I have read on this site.
One small error noticed in Chapter 3 - Ana's mother was 'sewing' not 'sowing'.
Mike
Rudolph Goes Bananas

Kirsty Louise wrote 73 days ago

Okay, my portion of our book swap.

Loved the cover and the pitch - they really caught my eye.

I also like the idea of all those different characters going off on this adventure (young girl, ranger, pixie, fairy and a baby dragon) - i think this will be really interesting to see the different dynamics they bring to the novel

Wow! The first chapter had me on the edge of my seat and gasping for breath - fantastic.
You really have a way with words - great character structure and vivid imagery.

I will be back to read more.

sensual elle wrote 78 days ago

The author gives new meaning to 'blood diamonds': In the 11th century of Crysaldor, two brothers fight to the death for the right to rule. The winner takes the crown of Crysaldor which contains 8 diamonds that control, indeed allow magic in the land.

In chapter 2, we skip ahead 3 centuries when Theodor tells Ana the secret of magic, showing her one of the diamonds. They turn to unicorns, pixies, and fairies to help retrieve the diamonds, along with a ranger.

The story is smoothly told with excellent scenes, dialogue, and action. I fully back it.

Edwin P. Magezi wrote 81 days ago

Interesting start to a novel, right into a fight scene, who doesn't love that!!
You describe your scenes well and try to paint a vivid picture for the reader and that's important with fantasy.

Horius took a rather long time to die. I remember he was first stabbed in the heart and few survive past a few seconds after that so I'm wondering if there is some magical element at work there. Also curious if Dorin (the arrogant as I like to call him) is still alive 300yrs later despite the absence of magic but I guess I'll have to read more to find out about that.
You mentioned "Horius' friend" twice somewhere, I think it would read better if you gave him a name, even if he isn't important, otherwise, that could be anyone.
Some of your sentence could use a few commas and many could use better structuring to make them shorter and save you a few paragraphs. Had the same problem with my book (still do) but working on it and once you get it down, it reads more professional, and cleaner, both for you and the readers.
The last sentence seems incomplete... "the darkness would not last forever and that one day, the time would come." What time and for what?

Otherwise, it promises to be a good story.

Edwin (The First Oath)

KathyJohn wrote 83 days ago

You certainly jumped into the action. You are a prolific writer it appears with unlimited imagination. Well Done.

Nick Poole2 wrote 124 days ago

A small, white flame glowed brightly
Her long, black cloak twirled
A large wooden chest sat 
on the grey stone floor 
a white pillow and a grey blanket,
A grey brick fireplace
a large black cooking pot
orange and yellow flames
her chilled face
white smoke
blackened brick
Her long, brown plaited hair
the black bodice of her ankle-length brown dress.
His long, grey hooded cloak
his brown boots.
His wrinkled hands
his wavy white hair and long white beard.
his grey gown
a small, square, wooden box
the sturdy chest,
groaned slightly
He carefully turned the box around
Ana carefully steadied the bottom of the box
very gently picked the velvet out of the box.
a very small dome
She asked frowning.
She ...very carefully tilted it back and forth,
She carefully placed it in his palm
raising his eyebrows slightly.

David J Baron wrote 131 days ago

Hi Sandie

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Wanttobeawriter wrote 147 days ago

CROWN OF CRYSALDOR
This is an interesting story. The beginning is dramatic; how many stories begin with someone killing a king? You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this fantasy world and it shows in the details you’re able to add to the story. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 153 days ago

This genre is something I don't normally read but I was intrigued by your pitch. I like the way you go straight into the action with the sword fight. It was very descriptive and I could picture the scene in my head which indicates accomplished writing to me. I am no expert in fantasy novels but the speech sounded authentic. I could almost feel the euphoria that Dorin had when he had the crown in his hand and stood surveying what was now his kingdom. A really gripping read. Well done and six stars.

Kim (Pain)

Garrett M Hastings wrote 186 days ago

Great story so far with a very exciting opening chapter. Well done. Will be back when Ive read a few more chapters.

AlexzandraGoode wrote 186 days ago

I read the first few chapters - fantasy isn't my exact cup of tea, but it's very well written. Good tension and descriptive characters. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure it will suit younger audiences down to the ground.

Alex
Finding My Feet

viki wrote 188 days ago

I loved the opening paragraphs to this. The fight between Dorin and Horius was tense , to the point, visually descriptive and fluid.
It then becomes a bit wordy and rambling.
ie: then because everyone knew that the magic in the kingdom only worked etc etc...

Maybe try something like, Horius cared little for magic and as he prized the stones from their settings he smiled at the knowledge that with the stones lost Crysaldor and it's magic would be gone forever.

This would save at least 3 paragraphs.
This is something I'm guilty of doing myself and it's because you don't want to miss anything. You know the story and all it's background and it's not easy to leave things out. I'm always taking huge chunks out and replacing them with one or two sentences.
Having said this I love the story and will place it on my watch list to read further when I have time.

Viki

The Seven Daughters of I'sha - The Amulet of Silvathorn
Glendale Girls

Robert Slimm wrote 191 days ago

Dear Sandie
Just a quick message to let you know I enjoyed ''The Crown Of Crysaldor'' I spend late last night to finish it off, what I read I totally enjoyed, so thanks for sharing it with us!
''The Crown Of Crysaldor'' is a novel I would certainly read again at a later date.
I back it with six big stars!!! So well done Sandie

subra_2k123 wrote 191 days ago

Hello Sandie,

'The Crown of Crysaldor' is a very interesting piece of work. IMHO, the biggest asset this book can boast about is how simple and intriguing it is read. The use of language is appropriate with readers of all ages in mind. Reading this book reminded me a lot of 'Eragon', not exactly same but similar. I have read the first two chapters and I can say that the Premise and Introduction are sufficient. The transition between chapters 1 and 2 was done well too. If I am forced to be fastidious, I guess I will say I would have liked to know more about how that diamond from Horius' crown ended up with Theodar after Dorin threw them away. (Incase you have explained this in the ensuing chapters, you might ignore that!).

This is surely a book that I will recommend to a lot of young readers!!!

Good Luck,
Venkatarama

earthlover wrote 192 days ago

Read the first 2 chapters. Expertly written, enchanting story, in the style of Tolkien or Lewis. The scene set in the second chapter is lovely! The first chapter was exciting, scary, chilling. I like that the hero is going to be a woman. (hope I don't give something away...)
Thanks for the enjoyable read! I will read on.....
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

vannajodee wrote 192 days ago

I was originally drawn to this story by your ptich because it envolves many of the things I personally enjoy reading about: fairies, dragons ect. The first chapter was very well written and captured my attention almost immediately. Honestly I've never been one to enjoy fight scenes that much, but this one caught my interest and made me want to stick with it until the end.
I also liked the introduction of the female character, Ana and the set up for the mystery portion of the book. I look forward to reading on...

Bradley David Harris wrote 195 days ago

Sandie, what a brilliant story.
You could be more precise in your descriptions by being less 'wordy'. Instead of saying "Metal thrashed and slammed against metal." you might of said 'Metal thrashed against metal.' or even 'Metal thrashed metal."
Forgive my use of a cliche, but: There is a time and place for everything. And in the time of an action scene the use of fewer words have found their place. Your writing should describe the pace of the chapter/paragraph/scene.
Also, the use of some words weaken the fidelity of your story, such as; "...as his weapon juddered". The words 'shook' or 'trembled' might have more imagery attatched to them than 'juddered'.
However, despite these things you have discovered a wonderful story - and have finished it. For that; congratulations.

Sincerely,
Bradley Harris

SALI KAMAR wrote 196 days ago

Dear Sandie,

As a matter of fact, I read the first chapter of “The Crown of Crysaldor. I could not continue further. Because I was feeling the agony and pain of both warriors, could hear sound of metal and see sparks from hitting blades, felt smell of blood and sad end of Horius. You succeeded to portray the show very well.
Believe me; it was difficult for me to bear with the painful death of Horius.

You’re a gifted writer and the destination of this novel seems an Action Movie. (All the best)

A mild positive comment about following names. (Ignore if you don’t like it}

“Horius” “Dorin” please note the three letters appearing after the capital letters “ORI”(HORIUS) “ORI” (DORIN) are identical. "HOR" "DOR" sounds similar
Horius
-ori- us

Dorin.
-ori-n
It may sometimes (not sure) confuse the reader.

Good Luck
Sali Kamar

beegirl wrote 199 days ago

A target age and story line that are my favourites so I'm happily reading this.

Here are some random thougths.

1. Action starts right away. Something I think I struggle with--you have achieved. I was expecting Dorin to be a good guy..probably because the story starts with him. I think this wonderful action packed start could be strengthed by starting with the KIng. A sense that this is a good king, maybe bring the friends and his family watching up sooner. I think we need emotional involvement with him sooner so we are more upset when he dies. Same with Dorian, except reversed emotion. We hate him soon, but maybe bring that emotion out sooner.

2. Chapter two..retelling of the story...with background ....all good. This is important because Ana is clearly going to be our MC. I think we need to see something in her that makes her the ONE. What is it? I'm not understanding what makes her special..and why NOW is the time? I think I need some involvement here.

3. Great job having a female MC...

Every ingredient is here for a whooping fantasy tale. Love it. I think if you work getting us into the emotions of what is going on...involved more closely with the characters...nothing will stop this!

There is alot here. A fun story-line, nice ingredients. I think a little work on getting

Neville wrote 199 days ago

The Crown of Crysaldor.
By Sandie Newman.

A good start to your book I might say...straight into a deadly fight between two brothers, Dorin and Horius.
No half measures with description here. Graphic accounts of the fight keep the reader riveted.
Then we have the victor, Dorin with the spoils of the battle, the ‘Crown of Crysaldor’.
He’s already hatched a plan for changing the Kingdom of Crysaldor by removing the diamonds.
The book has a good storyline and I sometimes felt like changing a few sections here and there to the way I would like it.
It gets interesting as Ana’s told by Theodor that she is the one most suited to reverse the changes once the diamonds are found and the Crown is whole again.
This is a good story which I think deserves a chance in the market place.
I like it!
Pleased to star-rate it and wish you well with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Terri_J wrote 200 days ago

This is a BHCG review

I comment as I go along, so please forgive the disjointed nature of my critique.




Great start! We're right there in the action and I want to read on.

"Horius spilt blood" where is this? On the floor? Perhaps make it clearer and I'd remove the comma after "just as torn" so as not to slow the action up.

All good until "Dorin looked back at Horius........ slowly he walked" Wasn't he by Horius's side already? Also, Horius seems to be having a lot of final breaths!

Good end to the first chapter although I have to confess that I started to skip-read the second half. Why was this? Not sure. I went back and had a look at the writing and I couldn't see anything mcuh wrong. I think perhaps it's just that I'm not yet interested in what's happened. It think the enormity of what's just happened has been lost in the fight and so I tuned out. The fight scene is dramatic but we don't buy in to the characters. I think you need to make us understand what's going on. It can be done subtly DURING the fight. Perhaps as Dorin makes a strike he thinks of a wrong that Horius has done to him. Just a thought.

My eyes have gone now.... so I'll leave it at that for now. I see that your arrow has turned green again, so maybe just getting on to the forum was all that was needed?

Hope you find what I've said helpful :-)

L_MC wrote 202 days ago

Hi Sandie. Saw your request for reads so read the first three chapters.

I thought you did an excellent job of grabbing the reader's attention with your first chapter. If I hadn't read the pitch I might have thought Dorin was the good guy, not expecting a good king to die so quickly so that was a brilliant first hook. The walk up the mountain slows the pace a little, but reflects the lack of energy Dorin feels after the fight. I thought the description of placing the diamonds on the ledge would lead to hem accidentally falling or something along those lines but when he just picked them up and threw them away I felt that description had slowed the pace a little again.

The only point I have about the other chapters I read was why Ana didn't question Theodor believing she had magic deep down, if the magic has been dormant for hundreds of years and magical people/creatures become secretive about it I would expect Ana to react to his belief with shock.

All the right elements for a YA fantasy and the pitch promises an enjoyable read, the initial chapters have enough hooks and elements of mystery to get the reader drawn in.

Seth Nathrah wrote 202 days ago

What can I say?

I love it. The pitch nearly turned me off though I must say. I thought almost "too" fantasy. Like you were trying to tick off all the boxes of a generic fantasy story. However after deciding to give it one chapter I find myself up to chapter five and forcing mysef to stop lest I be up all night reading it!

Well done! I can't wait to 'let myself' read more :)

Backed,
Seth

Kara Thrace wrote 206 days ago

4 chapters read and only stopped before I get sucked in too far ...
I love fantasy, I love light easy to read fantasy with a great hook, a strong protagonist and an awesome story. I already love Ana, I have a feeling she's develop and mature as the book goes on.
You did a great job with chapter 1, I actually read it and at the start thought that Dorin was the good guy .. But no!!! He was the antagonist! Great stuff!!
Worthy of 5 stars and on my WL ready for a shelf backing in a couple of days (when I rotate next) Fantasy is such a niche market, but this is written nicely and straddles both the YA and the light fantasy market.

Lovely unique writing voice as well.

Momma Bear wrote 209 days ago

This is a great story. I read the first two chapters and I have been fully suckered in. This is a good beginning to a fantasy epic. Magic diamonds and adventure is calling! Big stars.

Chapter two:

"Boxes often have things in them do they not....change to "Boxes often have things in them, do they not?

Rebecca
~Askival

hayely smith wrote 215 days ago

Hi Sandie, i will try once again to give you my comment, i think this is the third time i have tried! ok here it comes.
when reading your first chapter i was dragged into your fight! i love your voice and the passion which you write. a wonderful story and a nicely writtern on at that. i have read a couple of chapters and i will return to it once i have done some of my W/L ! i have already ranked and backed this! all the best. Sorry for my dislexic rambles lol

Steve Hawgood wrote 222 days ago

Sandie - I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish.

I mentioned over messages that the fight opening doesn't work for me I'm afraid. For me it seems almost coordinated and from that point false; with each blow coreographed, you've not allowed the readers imagination to run with this. In addition almost each blow the protagonists are aware of fatigue or pain - in reality adernalin covers most senses and when you do become aware your probably about to lose.

I've no issue with the writing and I recall the scene at the end of Chapter 1 from my first read so you've clearly left an impression. No comments with typos etc.

Then from Chapter 2 there's a more natural flow to the story and the pace imrpoves as you introduce characters. Not my usual genre read, nevertheless I can see the story developing. By the end of Chapter 2 and then into Chapter 3 your characters are also starting to develope.

My apologies for not being more positive. Best. Steve.

a.morrison712 wrote 227 days ago

This is very different from the last time I read. Loved that you started with the fight. The reader is thrown right into the action and I think this was a good choice. I especially think male readers will like the fight scene. I know how hard it can be to make changes, it was very hard on me to change around my Chapter 2. I would love to keep reading this and commenting. I am not to great at grammar, so I never comment on that. My favorite line of the whole thing was "it knew that the magic would never be completely gone....." It just made me want to turn the page! 5 stars back to you and I look forward to seeing this break 100!

Best,

Ashley

SLAlexander wrote 237 days ago

OK, Ms. Sandie . . . great first chapter, plenty of action right off the bat. I can see where this is going. The writing needs tightening, however, too wordy and confusing. I'll give examples of what I mean. And, by the way, I like Juddered. :) Great cover, too!

Seat-soaked hair (what color?) Dorin's dark hair, damp from sweat, fell to his eyes. . . whipped his skin (um, no). His torn trousers rubbed sore the bloodied cuts on his legs. Yet, witnessing Horius just as torn and bloody, made agreeing to shed armor a joy. . . . causing it to vibrate in Dorin's hand. (kill as many ly words as possible) . . . blocked (the) blade with his own . . . Horius' snarl . . . all (of) his might . . .
Pulled on every stomach muscle (no, not solid imagery there), Horius kept low and pulled his right knee close enough to reach his boot. Fingering for and finding his dagger, he pulled it free.

Lots and lots of this kind of cutting and rewording sentences.

Horius strained to get up, staggered, and struggled to regain his balance, In the end,his head hit the ground, The dirt coated his sweat and wounds, as he watched Dorin circle him as a vulture would do, waiting for its prey to die.

Instead of, breathed heavily, use panted or gasped. The reader doesn't need a play by play on how someone gets up. Simply say, he got up.

Dorin warned him off. "Stop! This is not your battle!" (and move on).

Maybe it was me, but I thought Horius was impaled by a sword. If so, how is it Dorian twisted the daggar. Maybe I missed something. What coloring is Horius? A little late to use naked (shirtless would be better), no armor did not make me visualize them naked.

A bit overly dramatic as far as winning the crown. YA is for 18-21 or in that range. If you want to write for that audience, you need to write as if you're writing for an adult.

The months following the battle, I would consider adding in italic at the onset of the next chapter.

Another suggestion, find an online editing software, there are many, and most offer free trials. I use Grammerly and rely on it. It won't write for you, but it can offer some guidance.

Hope this helps,

Susanne

AudreyB wrote 246 days ago

Hi, Sandie – this is your YARG review from Audrey. Let us say a brief prayer (moment of silence if you’re not a pray-er) for my video driver. I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, who likes to make unpleasant remarks. Anything you disagree with was probably her idea. Hag.

Well you have instant street cred. A cover by Bradley Wind and a very high position on the list. I’ll wear my best glasses.

I like the opening paragraph. Vivid and action-oriented. Are you making up words? Juddered. Nope; I looked it up. However – do you want to use such an obtuse word so early in a YA book? (Perhaps this word is more common in fantasy than I realize.) OK, enough about that.

Fourth para – don’t need comma after them.

Last sentence of 5th para is clunky. I can see you tried hard to avoid a verb of being, but occasionally one is okay.

I like how you point out that the vibrations of sword play hurts the combatant’s hands. That’s often missing.

I felt that I was rooting for Dorin. Good work making him the more sympathetic/interesting character. I’m not quite sure how you did it.

One danger when you use lots of action verbs is that you go overboard using the same subject. He….him. (Someone recently noted this in reviewing my own work, and they were right.) in the para starting “Dorin felt every muscle…” the next several sentences all start with He or Him. See what you can do about that.

Same comment for the para after Dorin roars about being King.

Ooh, he’s becoming less likeable. More…..interesting.

As he left the battle with the crown in his left hand…..those two occurrences of “left” get my attention.

Thudded….do a search on this word. I feel I’ve read it too many times. Thumped. Clouted. Clattered. Lots of synonyms.

“…like rocks leaving a trebuchet.” Do rocks leave a trebuchet? Don’t they get fired? Or swung? Or some other really cool, strong verb? Or “hurled from.” Trebuchets are cool, and I bet that’s a word all fantasy readers know.

Like the setup of the story presented in Chapter 1. It makes the kingdom sound like a dark, rough place with all the fighting and bleeding imagery.

One point of confusion in the first few paras of Chapter 2. Theodor implies that Ana has recently cleaned up his place, but she’s only just arrived. Or is he commenting only on the fire? And she walked in so close to when he arrived he had to have seen his cottage light up.

“She couldn’t help but try to see inside….” You want a semicolon after inside. Two independent clauses must be separated by the semicolon.

I think this is a US/UK thing so feel free to ignore me here: you say, “…this kingdom was known as Crysaldor, and was very different to how it is today.” My ear says you want “different from.” But I have noticed this “different to” business in other manuscripts and think it might be a location thing.

When Theodor explains the legend I want more powerful language. “Crysaldor was ruled by Horius, a very good man.” I want “King Horius ruled over a magical kingdom, where the sun shone so brightly the very stones appeared to be gold.” And then give an example of the goodness of King Horius. He loved all the children. He revived the unicorns. He freed all the imprisoned wizards.

“Watching him kill our beloved King was indescribable.” I think this is the one word we’re all forbidden to use. Indescribable. We must describe it anyway. Surely an anguished gasp went through the crowd, a gasp as alive as waves breaking on the shore? Or perhaps you can describe the mourning of the crowd, or their shocked expressions…

I love the way the second chapter ends!! But maybe some hints about Ana’s special-ness would entice the reader?

Best of luck to you with your imaginative story!!
~Audrey