THE 419 CODE

So I had a look at your book after you backed mine and couldn't resist backing yours based on the first Chapter alone! I love your characters, they're very vivid and the style in which you write drew me in. Good Job! I want you on my shelf!

Hi Elijah,

Your first chapter intrigued me. I am curious to see how you wrap up the plot even from the first few paragraphs. This isn't my usual genre though, so maybe I'm wrong, but some paragraphs felt a little off to me. Almost like you were writing a non-fiction book. So, I would say be careful with the 'info dumps' but hey, some people may disagree. I just finished a book full of them and it was published, so I guess it's not a 'rule'.
Anyway, some edits to be done but I'm curious to see what you do with your idea :)

Hi Elijah,

Everything in our first chapter has been revamped. The only name I recognized from the original version was Nnadis Kudis Ngongo. He was a memorable fellow from what I remember because he started scamming Umberto and Paolo not too long after he arrived in Europe.

Your excellent story-teliing skills are really showing through, what with the Tiger squad raids on all of the perpetrators and everything.

I wish you continued success with this. I'll drop in from time to time, to look in on your other chapters.

Cheers,
Cynthia
Sharing Short Stoires

so clever. i need this book to get published so i can curl up with it and get into it for real. couldn't stop reading it long enough to look away from the computer to avoid a head ache. i won't be able to put it down. who could?

Amazed such a prolific writer is not yet published. Your subject matter is compelling, your characters live on the page, and your descriptions are of literary quality. You manage POV really well, leaving an extra space when you are making a change. All this is excellent and I wish you luck in finding a publisher. You deserve it.

Just a little note from my editing head: Look out for repetition of words and information, and also, passive voice. If you would like help with this, send me your first chapter to: mary.wood18@yahoo.co.uk and I will pick out a few examples for you and domonstrate what I mean. Thank you for your backing of my book, much love, Mary

When I last reviewed I saw some passive voice problems,and repetition - now they are gone and you have done a wonderful edit. THIS IS PUBLISHABLE - Get it out there, and that's me shouting at all those who look around this site looking for potential. Brilliant writing, well done, I am backing again. When I last visited I gave it 5*, I am upping that to six. All the very best of luck with it, love Mary.

Elijah-

I took a lot of time with this, because I love the potential this story has. I only read the first 15 chapters but I took some notes. Sorry if this is mostly constructive criticism. I love the story and therefore, I just wrote down a few details I thought needed work instead of gushing over everything I loved.

Ch. 1 - It's hard to believe this Jim character changed his mind so quickly, gradual would be better (Jim tells Lee to pretend they never met - has he already decided to continue doing business with him again?).

You seem to jump back and forth between the details of the characters and the high-level general view of the story. It can be confusing. You should start high-level and then zoom in. Mention the Ngango stuff at the end and leave us with that cliff-hanger.

Ch. 2 - Remove "the two friends sat and concluded..." We get it.

In the crude oil discussion, Paolo gets a look of realization about what Lucky is asking, but didn't he already realize that and ask about it previously?

Side note: I love that we don't know if Ngango is bad or if Paolo and Lucky are bad and in cahoots with Ngango at this point. All we have is the first scene with Ngango running. Very well constructed.

Ch. 7 - Ngango says that his community wrote letters for help but none were answered, then he says that they have had many bids from companies to drill...which is true?

Ch. 9 - Don't tell us the man who picked up the letter is a con-man so quickly, let him write the letter back first. Let us figure it out.

Ch. 11/12 - Give us more description of Africa and Paolo and Lucky's surroundings. It's hard for Westerner's to visualize an African palace.

Ch. 13 - Loved finding out Lucky's true character - but he seems very different from who he was in the first ten chapters, even his language is different. Is that intentional?

I still don't know if Paolo is good or not, but I like that we don't know. If he is good, I will be torn between wanting Lucky to fail and hoping Paolo isn't financially ruined by this venture.

It took me a little while to get truly interested in the characters, but that comes. I would add some things at the begining to really pull us into either hating or loving them.

Very well done, can't wait to read the end! Hope my ramblings help!

Katy Johnson
The Promenade

Elijah-Very interesting. You've got a great handle on the dialogue.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

you have this listed as true crime-can't wait to read. Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Compelling subject, as many probably don't think much of the depth of cyber crime and it's impact on society overall. You've obviously worked hard on your manuscript. I concur with the suggested edits detailed previously by Karen Eisenbray, so I won't repeat them. Good luck with your project.
Best wishes to you.

The language is strong for my taste, but I cannot deny that the story is well written. I love the 419 Code.
******rated.

Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Man you hit straight up with this one. the start is just too good. very captivating. the story is interesting on the first chapter.

So I had a look at your book after you backed mine and couldn't resist backing yours based on the first Chapter alone! I love your characters, they're very vivid and the style in which you write drew me in. Good Job! I want you on my shelf!

Hi Elijah,

Your first chapter intrigued me. I am curious to see how you wrap up the plot even from the first few paragraphs. This isn't my usual genre though, so maybe I'm wrong, but some paragraphs felt a little off to me. Almost like you were writing a non-fiction book. So, I would say be careful with the 'info dumps' but hey, some people may disagree. I just finished a book full of them and it was published, so I guess it's not a 'rule'.
Anyway, some edits to be done but I'm curious to see what you do with your idea :)

I like what you have here in your first chapter - excellent dialogue. I found the back story on the EFCC a bit of a heavy go, perhaps you could work it in throughout your narrative rather than having one huge chunk. Just my opinion. I look forward to taking a look at the rest. HL

I have read the first 5 chapters and find the detail remarkable. I know that the typos and spelling can be fixed. I will comment more after reading more. I would also like you to read "Just Out of Sight". I have rated, and put your book on my watchlist at this time.
Thank you for your consideration,
Craig (Bandof1)

Elijah,

In The 419 Code, you have chosen a couple of areas ripe for the thriller treatment: cyber crime and the petroleum industry. Your writing is colorful and lively, and it is clear that you have thought carefully about the details of your characters' lives.

I read chapters 1 and 2 (see comments below), and glanced at chapter 3. In order to make this more of a page-turner, I recommend splitting your long chapters in two (or possibly three), or tightening up the action where things get redundant. I found myself bogging down in long descriptions every time the story seemed about to get rolling.

Chapter 1
This opening chapter is mostly exposition with a little bit of story. Usually (especially in a thriller) you want the first chapter to be the other way around, in order to hook the reader with the story so you can impart information later. A possibility here would be to have a Foreword or Author's Note at the beginning where you lay out all the true-life background of your fiction. Then ch 1 could get right into the story without stopping a few sentences in to explain about the EFCC. The meeting between Jim and Lee is interesting and intriguing, but it gets lost in all the explanation and summary. Then we're given another character, Nnadis, right at the end of the chapter. If he's important to the plot, which I gather he is, maybe he should inhabit a chapter all his own.

proofreading edits:

a close aid should be a close aide

sitting up a business should be setting up a business

Cote d'Ivorie should be Cote d'Ivoire

Siera Leone should be Sierra Leone

Essau should be Esau

Chapter 2

I thought the story was finally going to get started, with Umberto's phone call to Paolo at dawn, and their restaurant meeting. (Did you deliberately parallel Jim and Lee's restaurant meeting? It seemed like an echo, for better or worse). But then it stopped dead for many paragraphs about Lilly. You describe her beautifully and fully, but this felt out of place here. You need to know all of this, but does the reader need to, at least right now? I was also not persuaded that I needed the details of three different meetings to discuss the same thing. It would make sense if Paolo had stronger reservations about the plan, or if Lilly had issues, but they really don't seem to. It might be more dramatic to show the couples discussing the scheme separately, and both agreeing to get into it in spite of one or more having an uneasy feeling about it. Or else jump into the middle, after they're committed and things start to go sour, and quickly highlight the background of the business in its infancy.

One edit:
He rose his feet should be He rose to his feet.

You've got the ingredients here for a complex and exciting international thriller, and I wish you all the best as you pull it together.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Dear Elijah,

Thank you for letting me read your book. I am happy of it as an entertaining story and I also find goodness in it as well. I agree that greed is a horrible thing and that we should still not give up our goals of learning to trust and cooporate with others. Well done. Don't forget about my book "Powers" if you like.

Have a nice evening,

Billy McBride

Charismatic characters and marvelous dialogue qualify this work. Victims of Africa’s riches provides a powerful subject. Stimulating premise told with a compelling voice. The 419 Code should be a published book already out there on the bookshelves. I was absorbed from the beginning. You are a very skilled writer who has managed to transport the reader with well written imagery. Excellent pitch and starred. Best wishes. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Charismatic characters and marvelous dialogue qualify this work. Victims of Africa’s riches provides a powerful subject. Its a stimulating premise told with a compelling voice. The 419 Code should be a published book already out there on the bookshelves. I was absorbed from the beginning. You are a very skilled writer who has managed to transport the reader with well written imagery. Excellent pitch and starred. Best wishes. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi Elijah,

A very topical story and mostly well-written. You do need to watch for jumping between past and present tense though - stick to one or the other.

In the first section you have a line 'sitting up a business' where I think you mean 'setting up'.

On the whole though, a very unusual and thought out plot. Well done.

Ron

Dear Elijah, I have to reiterate what MaryWood said. Its so sad to see such a fine piece of literature; sort of lost on this site. You have a certain Sang-froid, that suggests a premise of parables, which is quite literally astonishing. All too often we feel the need, to write for prosperity. But your efforts paint a very different picture. Passionate and promising. I will certainly be supporting your book, so please look out for my backing. I have no claims to be anything close to a critic, but I do collect and read, rare and fine pieces of Literature. And yours certainly was not lost among those that I have made it, in the past. Good luck and best wishes with your book. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Hi Elijah,

Everything in our first chapter has been revamped. The only name I recognized from the original version was Nnadis Kudis Ngongo. He was a memorable fellow from what I remember because he started scamming Umberto and Paolo not too long after he arrived in Europe.

Your excellent story-teliing skills are really showing through, what with the Tiger squad raids on all of the perpetrators and everything.

I wish you continued success with this. I'll drop in from time to time, to look in on your other chapters.

Cheers,
Cynthia
Sharing Short Stoires

Hello there Elijah, I have finally read your new and improved book, and you were absolutely right to re-do part of it as it does really flows well. The narratives and dialogue is quiet believable and concise. You have made the story line into a must read. Your characters are charismatic. As a reader and not a qualified critic, I can honestly say that novel is as good as any of the best sellers I have had the privilege to read. Good luck with the publication and be rest assured that I will be buying it once it is in the market.
Cheers mate and God bless,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

Thank you for your recognition

I see good work here and applaud, your heading in the right direction. but, may i suggest that when you are providing information in the story that you provide it via the story. For example when Jim & Leehard are talking they could discuss subjects further providing more information to the reader.
"Economic and Financial Crimes Commission" this information for instance could be provided in conversation
"Look Jim the Economic & Financial..."
"To hell with the Crimes Commission they wouldn't know Economics if it bit them on the ass"

A good pacy read. This is the way thrillers should be.

The introduction of this new chapter 1 sets the stage very well for the conversation that happens in chapter 2. I am glad for this addition, I think it adds some suspense while it also clears up confusion. Well done.

Yes the first chapter's now very slick indeed Elijah. Just a couple of points sprang out ...
- it's no longer funny, not even here anymore.[1]
Nothing is hidden anymore.[2]

I think leave off the anymore[1] Do you see what I'm getting at?

great story so far, action and dialogue. starred, and put on shelf when a space is available. well done! k x

great story so far, action and dialogue. starred, and put on shelf when a space is available. well done! k x

Really well written stuff this. Acion packed with authentic settings and dialogue. Hope it does as well as it deserves. Shelved and starred.
Best of luck. Eric (Degree of Exposure)

This is not a subject matter I would normally look for but having started to read it I find myself unable to stop. You have a superb way of expressing yourself and the story flows beautifully, with characters that are facinating and totally believable.

The 419 Code

[return backing 19/11/10 ☼☼☼]

Firstly, my apologies for reviewing this so long after you read my book. And secondly, don’t worry, I’m going to back it, but I do have some reservations. The narration is convincing if I supply a West African narrator. Unfortunately, the dialogue of the Italian characters does not sound “Italian”. The characterisations and dialogue could be better differentiated. The account of the two friends setting up their company does not really sound convincing. How much of their money do they put in to it, for example? Surely that would be discussed. And would they really give a beggar 1000€ to buy a mobile phone? They can be bought for a great deal less money than that. There are a lot of tiny errors which still need editing out, and the formatting is not consistent. I think this would work better with a heavily ironic narration. All the best with this. I’ll put it up on my shelf when I can make a space. (I’m now at a stage of my playing catch-up that I’m working out a list to shelve and I’ll post it on my profile once it’s ready. I want to make sure I don’t miss any one out who I owe a backing to. Please be patient.) Thank you for your backing of Bokassa’s Last Apostle.

This crime thriller engages you from the very first page. It is well written in an authentic fashion that realises intent as you go along. A good book to take to the beach on a summer holiday. Entertaining with a gripping ensemble of characters. Realistic with good 'read some-morish' storyline. Backed. Good luck with publication Elijah. Would like to see this in the book stores. All the best. Ariel.

I have read part of your first chapter and it is rich with success, buzzing for yet more success and the way you weave from the men to the women as you expose their opnions and ideas, what underpins them and what drives them shows a unique writing flare. I could feel the vibes in the lives of the first 2 couples I have encountered so far. I wish you well and the best! Would you kindly reciprocate the review on The Pure Abscess?

Elijah,
You have quite a book here--well written, telling a story that needs to be told. I liked everything about it except your title. The title sounds like a documentary, not a story with a message. I honestly believe the title scares people away. Best of luck with this. I'm giving it 5 stars. It certainly deserves them.
Caroline

This is a stunning book that you have very skillfully put together.
It sheds the light on many thing that are unknown to the layman.
Your book starts off very well from the beginning and continues to grip the reader.
Such a book as yours, needs to be on the book shelves of many shops
I have rated it high, and will shelve it as soon as there is shelf room. - RATED.

kind regards,

Neville

This is a story that needs to get out into the world but I think it needs some more editing. Some sentences become too heavy, loaded with adjectives and the reader is not propelled into the story immediately from the start. I know other annotators disagree with me on this but I feel I'm not hooked right away. Somehow the words stand in the way of the story that is developing. That said, it could be just a failing on my side. Starred. Hannah

VICTIMS OF AFRICA WEALTH

Dear Eiijah,
I entered into a new subject matter and whole world through your first chapter .
I am enjoying the dialogue and the characters- I will read on and comment further as I trust the narrator.
A Zoomer

I am excited to read more. You have a very powerful command of language and have set the stage well with these two couples. Just a few things that I noticed, although I am by no means an expert, but I read that you were doing a round of editing...

I feel as though your feminine characters are stronger than your males. Was that intended?

I enjoy it when a first chapter has an ending that is as suspenseful as its opening. Could you add anything?

I thought the introduction of the new business venture required more detail. I feel as though you give more detail about the wives backgrounds and maybe don't go into enough about the Port Harcourt situation.

I love your women! I will read more soon.

Very nice... I wish you all sucess

I've commented before but now it's so damn difficult to back things, I will comment and star. I think it's the narrative voice which will sell this book, it's so authentic, although the underlying theme is not just the stuff of story tellers. You know, for instance, in Ch 16, that it couldn't possibly be a UK journalist hacking up a spicy plot. The whole feel of Gianni's dilemma and the presses upon him and those around him captivates the reader. It's the same emotion as when you read 'A Hundred Years of Solitude' despite the different era. Praise indeed, so worthy of stars. x
Lara
Good for Him

I really liked your opening sentence - how very true it is - and the story seemed to promise a thrilling ride, but I'm afraid I really could not get on with the writing style. It read to me like a rather poor translation from some other language. All too often a word or a phrase seemed to interrupt the flow of the piece. You say you are doing a re-edit, and this may greatly improve the book. Good luck with it anyway.
Colet

Hello Elijah,
This is in fact a very good read, the narrative and dialogue are believable. The pace of the story flows well.
Albeit I am not a qualified critique, I am a good judge of what kind of books I like to read and this is one of them.
The narrative is well written and consise. Your characters are complex but realistic.
It is of course backed for its merit.
Cheers and good luck with the publication.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

An unusual voice with lyrical qualities. Lily and her floral ambience for example, left me smelling the flowers whilst watching this graceful lady glide through her palace. Wonderful writing, gritty subject matter. I would read on. Backed!

This is as good an opening line as I've ever seen. I'm bouncing in and out of Autonomy between other tasks, and haven't got as much time to spend reading as I'd like, but what I've seen, I've liked. Backed.

hello, this your book is very wonderful. I will create time to read the whole book. I happy to meet (nwa afo igbo) you in this forum. i backed the book with joy.

An unusual story and a brave choice of subject matter that has been well written. I wish you all the best for successful publishing.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

Elijah, this is an interesting story with wonderful dialogue, especially the business discussions, and description that is often so lyrical I felt envious. The work has so many strengths that I think it is done a disservice by some of the more awkward constructions. For example, I would remove a lot of the description of the food service in the restaurant scene. It is described very plainly and tells us very little about the characters or the restaurant. We don't even know what food they're eating. Rather than remove it, you could enhance the description. Describe the steaming plates of food,. the actual dish, perhaps the lighting in the restaurant. Such descriptions are opportunities to subtly relate the social status of the characters and their tastes, or at least paint a picture that teases the reader's imagination, engaging them in the storytelling.
Those concerns aside, I think you a have a real flair for dialogue and plotting, and a strong voice that isn't afraid to show itself, and some really exceptional description in parts. This is a very worthy project and I hope you do well with it.

so clever. i need this book to get published so i can curl up with it and get into it for real. couldn't stop reading it long enough to look away from the computer to avoid a head ache. i won't be able to put it down. who could?

so clever. i need this book to get published so i can curl up with it and get into it for real. couldn't stop reading it long enough to look away from the computer to avoid a head ache

Hi Elijah.

Haven't we all received these telephone calls and e-mails. Very brave of you to bring up this subject, but it is a much needed warning. I think from what I have read that you should be published. Only one suggestion, try and tighten dialogue, in some places it does not sound true to European ears. Best Wishes. James.

Great read with a lot of detail. I like the characters and the flow. Use more description of scenes and paint the pictures you present a little more.

I think this is quite an important work as it is more faction than fiction. Your characters and their machinations are only too convincing!

You write economically and fluidly, which is attractive. You use good imagery, such as the moon touching into the dark corners (13).

Backed
Lara
Good for Him

I think this is quite an important work as it is more faction than fiction. Your characters and their machinations are only too convincing!

You write economically and fluidly, which is attractive. You use good imagery, such as the moon touching into the dark corners (13).

Backed
Lara
Good for Him