Extracting the truth

hello Martyn,

Three chapters read and I see a well crafted story wrapped around a brilliantly weaved plot that unfolds with every succeeding chapter . The characterization is well done with a collection of characters whose extremes made the story so colourful. The pacing is fast, the descriptions are vivid and you made effective use of dialogue and narrative. Overall, this is a smooth flowing story that deserves its full respect.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hello Martyn

I've read through the first few chapers. I think overall you have a good writing style, the dialogue especially is very clear and good. The gore in chapter 2 is top notch stuff, really quite shocking and with clever bits added almost for authenticity, ie. the drip containing dextrose and salts to keep him alive, that's clever. Chapter 3 is good, there's a lot of information to take in, but it's written well and believable. Some of the speech punctuation needs looking at, and a few more commas here and there would help, but these are just minor things.

However, this is just my opinion, the first 3 paragraphs at the very start need looking at. Starting a book is always the hardest part, but it's the bit that's most read. It doesn't feel have the same strength the rest of the first chapter has. As I say, just my opinion, I'd start witht the knock on the door or try and show her panic and fear more.

Good luck with this,
Charlie

Martyn, the intricacies of plot and character are very impressive. But what most strikes me is the pervading atmosphere - quite unnerving - which can be more elusive to convey. You've succeeded with what is the most important aspect of thriller writing.
Definitely shelved.Lynn

this was very well written. i loved it. you're great at description too. it was a bit creepy for me to be reading at 3 am lol but i did enjoy it and will shelve it.

couple nits though in ch 1 you say "new" instead of what I guess you intend as "knew" and i also think it would sound better if you said "his voice was leveled" idk level seems present-tense when i think you're aiming for past-tense.

Dear Martyn,

This story is full of promise. Your characterisation is good and your main character Lucy, being a barrister seems to me to have dfficulty in dealing with her own personal feelings, which could happen in real life. Your writing flows well and I found myself eager to find out what happens next.
Near the beginning, the line that reads: 'More than thirty senarios' does not stand up well on its own and needs bulking.. There are one or two minor things which need attention, but I feel that the pace is excellent and overall worthy of a read. I hope to read more. I will shelve it for a while. Good luck with it.
Could you also read mine: A Passing Storm. We could both use the shelf time.

Great idea for a thriller and well-paced. The switches between past and present and between the different locations work well. The torture of Victor is shocking and well done but not OVERdone. I would have opened with that - the extraordinary - rather than with Lucy reporting her husband missing, which - as the police sergeant points out - is rather banal.

The bit with the female police officer reprimanding her colleague over his conduct toward Lucy was out of place. We never meet these characters again - in fact they're not even named - and the scene doesn't fit with the structure and direction of the novel.

This has the feel of an early draft rather than something approaching the finished product. Couple of obvious things: you need to end dialogue with a full stop inside the speech marks if you're not adding any narrative afterwards and with a comma if you are. Also, watch your continuity. The holiday segment started off in Turkey, suddenly switched to Sri Lanka and then back to Turkey. I also spotted one or two points at which you seem to have lost track of who was married to whom.

Overall, I thought the story got rather predictable as I read on. A good mystery/suspense writer keeps most of his cards close to his chest until he's good and ready to play them. You telegraph a lot of information to the reader: in particular, Victor knows and divulges too much and, if I were writing this, I would not have told some of the torture scenes from his point of view. Like Migdalin, below, I'm also not buying that Mark would go to such extremes: lots of people's spouses have been murdered - what's different about Mark that he takes the drastic actions he does?

In short, I think this is a promising effort but it's not backable in its current form. But with a thorough edit, this could be really good.

You have an excellent way of showing the emotions of your characters, in particular Lucy's fear, panic and anger as she learns and then deals with the death of her husband. Your dialogue is also excellent. There is a sense of outrage, not only at the crime, but elsewhere, as when the policewoman chastises her partner in the patrol car for his lack of empathy. The theme seems to be that there is not only too much injustice, but a lack of humanity n this world. I like it. Shelved.

Martyn
Once in a while a book stands out from its genre. This is one of those times. The world and atmosphere you have created are brooding and addictive. The pacing is perfect and I am really getting into this now! Nicely done.
Shelved with pleasure,
David
Green Ore

This book has a very intimidating atmosphere - something could go wrong any minute. Well-crafted thriller. Your writing is fast-paced and has a cinematic quality. WL.

The story has a nicely convoluted set of relationships between the four main characters, and I feel this provides a good backdrop for a romantic murder mystery. Most scenes seemed to contain conflict, which I think is essential. The story also spans a range of genres from romance to suspense to mystery to thriller.

I didn't get a clear sense of protagonist here. Without such a protagonist, a character with a driving goal, the sequence of events began to seem a bit arbitrary to me. It might be that Jonathon's goal is to keep Sarah as an occasional bed partner, and perhaps that's sufficient as he's the antagonist within the story.

However, if Sarah and Mark have solid goals, I didn't pick up on them, and I didn't sense that their goals were driving the story. Sarah goes back and forth about whether she'll continue sleeping with Jonathon; she marries Mark but ultimately despises him; and it isn't clear that she has any life-directing goals beyond this.

Mark, meanwhile, seems to want a placid wife who dresses conservatively, which makes his choice of Sarah questionable. But if marrying Sarah is his big goal, then I don't see what obstacles he has to overcome to achieve that goal. They pretty much seem destined to be together from the start, with Mark simply setting himself up to be an unwitting cuckold.

I didn't quite buy off on Mark's torture of Victor. While I understand that righteous indignation and fanaticism cause people to commit atrocities, his behavior feels entirely disturbed and antisocial to me, and thus not in keeping with how he's portrayed elsewhere in the story.

I wonder if the current timeline is going to cause problems. What I got from chapter one was the feel of a murder mystery. Chapter two pushes the story into thriller territory, like "Silence of the Lambs," or some other psycho killer story. Then the middle of the book focuses mostly on the romantic relationships between the four main characters. The result was that the story seemed to lose focus. Rather than creating a seamless blend of several genres, the story felt to me more like it couldn't quite decide what it wanted to be.

I found the shifting POVs to be distracting. In cinema, the camera can move around with relative impunity. In fiction, however, I think such switching tends to be jarring to the reader. Switching to a new POV *between* scenes isn't a problem, but I feel that switching *within* a scene can be.

I felt the opening of the book, especially, was heavy with exposition and backstory.

Chapter by Chapter

Chapter One starts off with a disturbance to Lucy's world, which I feel is good. Lucy's initial goal emerges here as well, which is to find out why her husband was murdered. However, I feel the story would be stronger if her goal came out more clearly, with a sharper focus. Right now, the first chapter spends quite a bit of time on Lucy's backstory and exposition. I feel that some of the dialog and much of Lucy's interior monolog qualify as exposition.

Also, Lucy's initial impatience and rage didn't quite work for me. She seems to expect the police to have solved the mystery even when they're obviously just showing up to break some bad news to her. The result is that she comes across to me as either clueless or bitchy.

Chapter two introduces a psycho who's into torturing people. The POV switching -- between omniscient third, the psycho's POV, and Victor's POV -- distracted me a bit. Also, this did feel a bit heavy-handed to me. I think that it's a real challenge to present a psycho like this. We're all pretty jaded at this point, yet I also think we're alert to anything that looks like it's meant to shock us.

Chapter three is a flashback which follows Mark, Sarah, and Emily on a trip. It seemed that much of this chapter consisted of block exposition. The purpose may have been to indicate that Mark is an okay guy who takes good care of Emily, but beyond that I wasn't entirely clear on what the goal was here.

Chapter four is more from the psycho's POV.

Chapter five is vacation footage with Mark and Sarah, along with the introduction of Jonathon, who fancies Sarah and who can't seem to take a hint.

Chapter six is more psycho killer POV stuff.

Chapter seven is expositional backstory, covering Mark and Sarah's relationship with Jonathon. At this point, it seems the story wants us to believe that Mark is the psycho, and that he has mistakenly blamed Victor for attacking Sarah, when actually it was Jonathon. As such, I feel the reader will have solved the book's central mystery less than half way through.

Chapter eight resumes the story where chapter five left off. Sarah's "sin" in being seen nearly naked through the window, and her subsequently defying her husband and wearing non-regulation underwear: this reminded me a bit too much of "Straw Dogs."

Chapter nine is more psycho killer POV stuff.

In chapter ten, Lucy finally reappears, though she feels like a tangential character, certainly not someone intimately involved with either Mark or Sarah. Here, we get to see what a slut Sarah is. Between this and the chapter eight stuff, I can only suspect the story will lose most of its female readers and probably any male readers who don't buy into the virgin-whore dichotomy.

Chapter eleven: psycho killer.

Chapter twelve shows the love triangle evolving into two separate couples.

Chapter thirteen is more about the romantic/friend relationships, mostly situated in a dance club.

Chapter fourteen: psycho killer.

Chapter fifteen, primarily covering the wedding of Sarah and Mark, shows that Sarah is still interested in Jonathon but is also conflicted. He demonstrates that he doesn't handle rejection well.

Chapter sixteen is an outing with the two couples.

Chapter seventeen demonstrates that Sarah doesn't respect Mark as he isn't exciting or adventurous enough.

Chapter nineteen is sex with Victor and the murder by Jonathon.

Chapter twenty is the revelation of Sarah's death to Mark.

Chapter twenty-one shows a rather inept police investigation.

Summary

My feeling is the story would do better if it focused on the romantic relationship between the two couples. That currently occupies most of the book, and Jonathon's unstable nature, combined with Sarah's sexual interest in him, naturally provide a nice level of conflict. That the story would Jonathon murdering Sarah might make for a nice dark twist, thus moving the story out of standard romance novel territory. In its current form, though, I feel the story lacks focus.

Details

> This is how Lucy would come to remember this day....

I found the omniscient POV here a bit distracting and perhaps unnecessary. The foreshadowing is good, as a way of alerting readers that the knocks are important. However, I also think this detracts from the wonderful description of the knocks themselves: "three harsh raps ... set for a slow march." I think that description is going to hook the reader at least as well as the omniscient voice telling/foreshadowing.

> She had previously contacted the police....

I call this exposition, and I think you risk losing readers (especially agents and purchasing editors) if the story drops into exposition right at the beginning. Also, the ensuing scene (starting with Lucy opening the door) already *shows* readers the key bits of information via action and dialog.

> Emily's childish instinct told her....

This POV shift from Lucy to Emily distracted me.

> The policeman stepped in calmly, knowing full well that
> Lucy was about to lose it....

Another POV shift that distracted me.

> Simultaneously and quickly, not wanting to lose Lucy's
> attention....

Another POV shift. Also, I don't quite buy off on how the police are behaving here. The story's goal is to get on with the mystery. That's the reader's goal as well. However, I still think some readers may be put off if they feel the situation isn't believable.

One possibility here is to summarize the interlude from "I'm afraid he's dead" to "Do you know a Mark Lofthouse?" It seems appropriate that the police would first want to break the news to Lucy, help her deal with Mark's death, and then gradually move to, "he was shot," etc.

> Of course she knew Mark, she told them Jonathon was
> visiting him didn't she?

This didn't quite work for me. If the police are to be portrayed as bumbling and clueless, okay. Still, this bit comes across as a kind of exposition, where the police ask a stupid question so the narrator can fill readers in on backstory. In any event, I feel it would be better to just have the police say, "He was found dead in Mr. Lofthouse's home. Mr. Lofthouse has also been shot," or something.

> "Why was Mark incapable of looking after Emily...?"

This feels like dialog used as exposition to me.

> "We've been lots of times, as you know dear...."

This feels like two characters telling each other things they already know for the benefit of the audience.

> As Mark finally sat for some time he pondered his job....

This leads into what feels like exposition.

Extracting the Truth is a very compulsive story, Martyn. I was initially drawn in by your pitch, which promised a good read, and your writing certainly delivers. It's excellent right from the start, which is so necessary with a thriller - but I think what I'm most looking forward to is getting more of an insight into the friendship, lust, passion and jealousy in the relationships, which I'm presently progressing through. A small point: before submission to agents, try to get rid of the distractingly large gaps between paragraphs.Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

An excellent pull at the start, gripping and descriptive.

Your pitch initially sold me and now after two chapters your writing has.

Shelved.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Martyn,

'A loud knock at the door' is a simple, powerful opening line for a thriller, and this races off to a fast start from there. Your narration is strong, and the dialogue dramatic, including this line from Lucy when the policewoman asks her to sit down: "Please don't tell me to take a seat in my own home." We almost know what's coming, but it has even more impact when it happens. The news that her husband has been shot dead along with two other men is shocking.

There are a lot of questions that must be answered, the hallmark of a great thriller, including the mystery over the drowning death of the wife of Jonathan's friend (and fellow murder victim) Mark. Great stuff.
I would buy this one.
Shelved.
Mark

There is quite a web here. Lucy is left with a lot of unraveling to do. Martyn your story has so much to be said for it. There were a few point of view switches, which I found distracting. And I wondered about Lucy taking the girls to school and childcare. It seemed a bit cold. I know she was confused and overwhelmed but still how would she explain that to the teachers. "She might be a little bit touchy today. Her father just died." Why didn't Lucy call a friend? I think she would want the children at home where she was sure that they were safe.

That being said Extracting the truth is a story that throws the reader on his heals. Leaving no choice but to read on. Shelved. C.P

Hey,
I like your style and think the dialogue was believeable. You start unfolding the story well, and the reader is totally engaged. It's hard to stop reading. I'll give you some time on my shelf.

Regards,

Mark H

Shelved. Really a bit too real. High quality writing.
..Scary and violent drowning in Ch 19.
What a thriller!

Suggestions.
Error in pitch last para...unravels to becomes...
Really enjpoyed what I read. no quibbles
. Best of liuck with it. Mikey (The Free)

There was a lot of tension here and I really liked the way you commented on the characters thoughts or made observations, such as how the body can be on auto pilot when Lucy took the children to school. You also explained well the changes in Lucy's demeanour as she began to realise what had happened. I thought I was reading an error when the little girl called her Lucy, rather than mum, but see now that it wasn't her natural daughter.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

OMG, amazing!! I read only the first chapter and will review each one. Well writing.

Hello there, I read the first chapter and my...you have definitely opened a can of worms. Many directions to look into , the making of a good mystery there. I am not a grammar scholar so I will not be much help with that. I have heard on some of my comments that I need to shorten the first chapter, how do you feel about that? Your chapter is not too short and I have not lost interest. I will put you on my shelf to read more. I do apologize in advance if it takes me a few days to get back. Happy writing.
Stacy.

Martyn,

I'm four chapters in now, and I will continue this through to the end. I like the story; I like the style; I LIKE this. I am happy to place this on my shelf. Besides, Lucy and Emily are two of my favorite names; how could I not make the book a favorite as well?

Lisa

Dear Martin,
I'm taking you at your word, that you'd like help with this exciting book . I've taken the liberty of re-writing the first chapter, keeping in mind that a thriller should be related in short, tight sentences. =
The door bell rang. Who can that be at this hour? The thought instantly disappeared from Lucy's mind, erased by the hope that something positive might be the answer to her cry for help. Maybe it's the police. Maybe they finally have news about Jonathan.
She glanced at Emily, quietly eating her cereal, lifted Rachel from her high chair and hurried to the front door. Two police officers, a man and a woman, waited on the porch. "Can we come in?" The policeman's tone was solemn, slightly foreboding. Lucy began to shake. The policewoman took Rachel from her arms, guided her to an armchair in the living room and sat Rachel on her lap. Lucy closed her arms around the baby as if Rachel would be a shield against whatever was to come.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Brampton," the policeman said. "We have bad news about your husband. We found him shot right through the head."
"He's dead?" Her voice broke. Her face paled. She began to tremble. Fearing Lucy might drop the baby, the policewoman quietly took Rachel from her arms.
"What happened? How can this be? He left just two days ago, to visit his best friend." She stopped, unable to utter another word and waited for whatever else the policeman had to say.
Now you may use the above any way you want. It is offered as an example rather than a "thou shalt". Then read through the entire book and make the characters alive, the history more intense, the background more real without losing any of the excitement. I hope you find this helpful. I don't usually do this but if you need more help don't hesitate to call on me. I wish I had someone who could be more specific about my writing. It took me a long time of trail and error before I came close to getting it right. Authonomy is a wonderful web site, not because it offers praise to the hopeful author but also because in some of the comments are specific suggestion for improvement. Praise warms the author's heart. Helpful suggestions improve the book. I have two books listed, Prides Crossing and Second Son. Perhaps you can find time to give them a glance. I will appreciate anything you have to say. Best wishes on you endeavor. Edie I will watchlist this book until I hear back from you.

Hello Martyn

I've read through the first few chapers. I think overall you have a good writing style, the dialogue especially is very clear and good. The gore in chapter 2 is top notch stuff, really quite shocking and with clever bits added almost for authenticity, ie. the drip containing dextrose and salts to keep him alive, that's clever. Chapter 3 is good, there's a lot of information to take in, but it's written well and believable. Some of the speech punctuation needs looking at, and a few more commas here and there would help, but these are just minor things.

However, this is just my opinion, the first 3 paragraphs at the very start need looking at. Starting a book is always the hardest part, but it's the bit that's most read. It doesn't feel have the same strength the rest of the first chapter has. As I say, just my opinion, I'd start witht the knock on the door or try and show her panic and fear more.

Good luck with this,
Charlie

Hi Martyn,

I thought I wrote gruesome torture scenes but yours surpass! This is excellent. A great complex plot. Definitely shelved.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

Extracting the Truth

Hi Martyn,

I will preface what I am going to say by adding the health warning that I am a reader and a writer, both amateur and for enjoyment mostly so this is not a professional critique. I think you are right when you say you have all the ingredients of a good plot. I agree. But your writing needs a good edit and I think you need to give some consideration to your narrative stance. At the moment I counted three, possibly four bits of head bobbing POV change, undemarcated by any gap in the text, in the first chapter. We are in Sarah's head, we are in the little girl's head, we are in the WPC's head and we are in the other policeman's head, the majority of the chapter is Sarah's, but we do weave about. It also feels too much like you are parking key aspects of plot in chapter one, right, she is a barrister, right she has adopted the little girl, right she was looking forward to more time with her husband.

My suggestion, again please remember just an amateur would be to focus viciously on one POV per chapter or if you are going to change POV stay with the other person for a good couple of paragraphs. The one other aspect I think you need to look at is the all pervasive influence of your narrator, he is telling us stuff much too often, I would like him to stop and for the wonderful plot you have to show us stuff instead. A quick example is the bit where she has red raw eyes and is clearly struggling for emotional air when the police arrive to give her the bad news. The narrator tells us that the redness of her eyes was not about sorrow, but anger, but that sorrow was coming soon. This took me out of the scene, show me her anger, through description of her face, what are her hands doing, what is she saying, don't explain to me her emotional journey.

But great plot Martyn, keep plugging away at it, I have found Elements of Style, recommended to me by a previous authonomite really helpful, weblink below. Best of luck with the re-write, written in the spirit of offering a thoughtful opinion, I do worry sometimes that ranking system of this site generates bland and meaningless praise-babble that is great for the ego, but not for the journey to improvement for all of us. Best wishes, backing because you have a great plot idea, you just need to bake it properly now

Andrew W. (Sanctuary's Loss)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Elements-Style-William-Strunk-Jr/dp/020530902X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249358349&sr=8-1

Extracting the Truth...

Okay, now that I've read your partial, I'm going to question your use of the flashback in C.3. I was rejected recently based on my use of the occasional flashback, but at least my rejection gave me some specific advice.

Flashbacks leak energy from your main story and should generally be short and really tense.

However, I've seen HC reviews here on authonomy that actually recommend flashbacks, so what do I know?

If you decide to keep this flashback, I'd really tighten it. Ask yourself if every paragraph is important enough to your story or for character development and reader identification. In other words, tighten considerably.

You've got a great story going here. Please keep working on it.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Extracting the Truth...

C.2 is definitely thriller fare, plus we now know what happened to Victor!

You could make this chapter stronger by dropping little hints about the torturer's motivations and backstory...I think you should make him more multi-dimensional, i.e., not a cardboard character we've read about, time and time again. Think about deepening and rising above the typical thriller.

Reading on...

I found it hard to get into "Extracting the Truth" but I think this is to do with style rather than plot. Words, structure and turn of phrase kept getting in the way instead of drawing me in. In the very first sentence, you talk about 'preparing Emily/ Rachel ready for school/nursery', but 'ready' is superfluous, surely? [preparing Emily for school...]. Then would you rush to the door with Rachel in your arms? Why did you pick her up anyway? Then at the door if your legs gave way [and why would they?], I doubt the policeman would just solemnly say 'Can we come in Ma'am'. And why was Emily finishing her cereal when I thought she was getting ready for school? Sorry if it sounds like nits, but it got me bogged down.
You also do quite a lot of telling - 'she was trying her best to sound sympathetic yet respectful'; 'The policeman nudged her, feeling this was inappropriate' etc. as well as using one of my own failings of scattering adverbs around in dialogue [she said agitatedly; she said impatiently...]. I'd pass on advice given to me - replace these with actions that show what's going on. [easier said than done - believe me, I know!]
A few thoughts about the opening. I think it needs more punch to really grab attention. Instead of starting with the kids at breakfast and a backstory para about missing hubby, why not a first sentence along the lines of 'It was 49 hours and 32 minutes after her husband disappeared when Lucy's doorbell rang.' to get the adrenalin flowing?
I think you've got a good story to tell here - please don't let one subjective set of opinions put you off!!
Good luck and best wishes
Bob Steele [SPIN]

Extracting the Truth...

You start with a hook which makes us care about Lucy. Great start!

Get your hands on a copy of Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King so that you can bump up your writing from good to excellent. Your story will benefit.

I have a concern about Lucy's motivations in several places, and think this is an area that could use some improvement. Part of the improvement involves making her motivation a tad clearer; in other places, it means making the motivation more believable or accurate.

l hope I'm not offending you, but as a Canadian barrister and solicitor, I love books with similar protagonists; and as another thriller writer, I love thrillers. I'd love to see this published, but it's not quite ready yet (based on your first chapter.)

Reading on...

Extracting the Truth...

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitch...

Try revising it by using the following allegedly winning formula:

1. Who is your protagonist?
2. What does she want?
3. What obstacles does she encounter along her journey?
4. A hint about the resolution.

Make it visceral, i.e., show rather than tell.

Says she, who is incredibly pitch-challenged!

Reading on....

Hi Martyn,

You have an intriguing story here.

“Can we come in(,) ma’am(?)” said the policeman… I added a question mark and also use a comma when addressing someone directly. I notice that some of the dialogue are missing punctuation.

“Who the bloody hell is this Victor(?)” You missed a question mark.

Good pacing in the first chap, also convincing dialogue. Read 3 chapters and thought it’s a great thriller so far. Has eeriness about it, which is great for the genre. Great characterisation, your characters felt real.

A good edit will sort out those punctuation errors, but apart from that, it’s well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Martyn. This is chilling stuff! The opening chapter throws the reader right into the action. You are right. You do have an excellent plot! Shelved and will be back for more. David Wright. (Within Grasp)

Love this kind of mystery. You definitely know how to maintain your pace just right. Some can overdue it a bit. You write wonderful characters and put the reader right there beside them.
Shelved
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Great piece of writing, the victor bits are horrendous, but just have to be read.

Only one thing wrong stood out for me, the paragraph which begins "Sarah had two brothers...." it feels in the wrong place, a bit too contrived. Could it not work its way in somewhere else.

Good luck, I'm sure you don't need it.

Rob

Hello Martyn,
I enjoyed reading this. I agree you do indeed have a plot, and it’s a good one too. Furthermore, your style is engaging as the reader is quickly sucked in. However, I hope you won’t think me presumptuous (after all I am unpublished) if I say your words need a little more TLC. For example, you use the word read twice in one sentence at the beginning. Couldn’t the second be deleted to greater effect? Also there is a type Barmpton slightly further on. Generally, I, again in all humility, feel that perhaps the text could read more smoothly and succinctly.
However, none of this suggests to me the book will not be good. In fact, I suspect quite the opposite. Read it out aloud and the minor errors will soon be eliminated to leave a nicely polished work which should do well. Good luck – shelved.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections & Unwelcome Consequences (the sequel)

Hi Martyn!

I think you've got a nice premise here for a thriller that is a little off the beaten path...

This could use a bit of editing... For example, in your third paragraph, "non-contact" needs a hyphen. I saw some other punctuation nits, but I won't list them all out, as I know this type of stuff can easily be finessed with a good thorough edit.

Your writing is good, though! Descriptions are well placed, your dialogue is believable, and most importantly, your characters are engaging - it was easy to feel for poor Lucy right from the start! On my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Good premise for a my favorite kind of thrillers: the ones that make the readers think and look for clues vs. only consuming the information provided by the author.
Liked the protags and the voice.
In your profile you ask for constructive criticism so here are my thoughts:
- You have a lot of “tell” in your narrative whereas we’re told that agents and publishers want thriller to be on “show” mode, this is especially visible in the opening of ch 1 and ch3. I suggest a strong edit there.
- Another example is when the killer calls Victor “his victim”. Sounds like we’re hearing the voice of a narrator instead of being in the killer’s head.
- You use a lot of sentences with “was” which I hear is another deterrent for agents and publishers who like more “active” sentences.
I also suggest giving it a custom cover to help with visibility on the site.
Hope you don’t mind me pointing this out.
As I said, IMHO your story has good potential and I wish you good luck on the site. Glad to shelve it in order to give it a nudge up the charts.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

Martyn, the intricacies of plot and character are very impressive. But what most strikes me is the pervading atmosphere - quite unnerving - which can be more elusive to convey. You've succeeded with what is the most important aspect of thriller writing.
Definitely shelved.Lynn

hello Martyn,

Three chapters read and I see a well crafted story wrapped around a brilliantly weaved plot that unfolds with every succeeding chapter . The characterization is well done with a collection of characters whose extremes made the story so colourful. The pacing is fast, the descriptions are vivid and you made effective use of dialogue and narrative. Overall, this is a smooth flowing story that deserves its full respect.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Martyn,

What is a paed? You misspelled something in the second chapter when the doctor told his wife she was the paed and what did she think. In the third chapter you've got: "Victor looked up at him as Victor prepared to ...
You need to change the second Victor to he. As far as getting Victor's confession goes; what good would a confession be if this guy sawed his hand off to get it? And how does Victor show defiance when he's had his hand sawed off? I always stop at three chapters and am kind of stymied but if I had bought the book I would have continued on from there just to see if you could explain how this would work out; I suppose this guy's a psycho anyway so any explanation would be easily pulled off through that. Anyway, I will give you the benefit of the doubt because the story is good, just enough tension to keep the reader going, good dialogue and chapter endings. I'll put it on my shelf and wish yoiu the best of luck with it brother.

Peace,

Keith G.

Hi Keith,

Thanks for these comments - as a newbie I really appreciate your time in reading some of my book and giving your comments (not to mention putting it on your shelf:))

Paed in this context is short for Paediatrician and typically used by medics when referring to eachother. Her position as a paediatrician does come out later but I take your point it could be confusing in the second chapter.

I used Victor twice as I wanted to avoid using he for Victor as He is the nameless character - it confuses me but i guess i should credit the reader with more ability than me?!

Can I ask you - do you think the switching of time periods is OK?

Again thanks very much for your comments and time.

Cheers

Martyn

Martyn,

What is a paed? You misspelled something in the second chapter when the doctor told his wife she was the paed and what did she think. In the third chapter you've got: "Victor looked up at him as Victor prepared to ...
You need to change the second Victor to he. As far as getting Victor's confession goes; what good would a confession be if this guy sawed his hand off to get it? And how does Victor show defiance when he's had his hand sawed off? I always stop at three chapters and am kind of stymied but if I had bought the book I would have continued on from there just to see if you could explain how this would work out; I suppose this guy's a psycho anyway so any explanation would be easily pulled off through that. Anyway, I will give you the benefit of the doubt because the story is good, just enough tension to keep the reader going, good dialogue and chapter endings. I'll put it on my shelf and wish yoiu the best of luck with it brother.

Peace,

Keith G.

this was very well written. i loved it. you're great at description too. it was a bit creepy for me to be reading at 3 am lol but i did enjoy it and will shelve it.

couple nits though in ch 1 you say "new" instead of what I guess you intend as "knew" and i also think it would sound better if you said "his voice was leveled" idk level seems present-tense when i think you're aiming for past-tense.