Deadly Halo

Ok Alberta, why can't I buy this?

I am absolutely and definitely hooked in to your book and am extremely frustrated that I can't read more.
I have read a few books about angels and arch angels but this is so very different and so very good.
I am serious when I say I wish I could buy this. I would like to hold this book in my hands and read it and re-read it and pass it around to my friends.
PLEASE let me know when you upload more as I am desperate to see what happens to Kali.
Are the Ylionux good? Is Gabriel good? Aaargh you have left me dangling on a thread!
Needless to say backed.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Alberta,

I'm returning your recent read of Appetites. Thank you for the comments and support, much appreciated.

Short pitch is inviting, but I suspect there are a lot of works of this ilk around at the moment, I wonder if you have something more unique to entince the reader.

In fact having read your long pitch I feel the last paragraph of that would make a better long pitch (though you'd have to trim a few words from it). Generally I like your long pitch, you introduce the characters, and pose an intriguing story question. I have a couple of minor observations:

--first, what is your inciting incident, or put another way how do the paths of Kali, Damian and Gabriel cross; and
--second do don't tell me what Ylionux and Ethereals are, I'm assumiing vampires and angles respectively but perhaps you could make it clearer for me.

Into the story proper. I like your opening paragraph it does a good job of getting me into the MC's head. A couple of observations:

--I'd consider deleting 'automatically' I think it's implied;
--in the description of the clouds I think either thick or bulbous is sufficient, sometimes less is more; and
--lastly you can probably leave out the, I thought, the convention of italics is sufficient to mark this as interior dialogue.

The short prologue has a dramatic incident, delivered well.

Again a couple of detailed observations (and openings are so important):

--the second paragraph has a couple of uses of 'was' that detract from the immediacy of the scene; and
--you're right life flashing before eyes is a cliche, I'd be inclined to start the pargraph at "I could see the anchor on the evening news saying . . .; and
--the inclusion of the MCs description in the same paragraph felt a bit forced to me, I don't think it would matter if you omitted this.

Onto chapter one. I've read this straight through without taking a note. This is gripping stuff, with a Michael Crichton kind of feel. I'm interested now in the genre you've chosen: I expected sci-fi and I see fantasy and horror and I didn't expect YA, this reads like adult fiction to me.

The connection between the prologue and the first chapter is not clear, but I'm guessin that the woman in the prologue has a connection to the samples in that first chapter, and the fact that you've got me thinking is a good sign. Interestingly I haven't yet seen a connection between what I've read and the pitch. I'm going to read another chapter before shelving (I've already made my mind up on that, I just want to see where this goes).

Okay chapter two gives us a different view point and while not one of the characters mentioned in the pitch, clearly we're now in the head of a vampire and I can see a connection to the pitch. Your clinical description of Tattiana biting into her victim's throat made me cringe. Good stuff.

By the end of this, short, chapter the threads are all coming together very nicely.

This is excellent writing--I'm not a big fan of the vampire genre but this one stands out.

Shelved.

Hi Alberta,
This book is amazing, once I started I just couldn't stop. I wanted more with every chapter. I really liked how each chapter is from a different person's point of view, unlike most books, this one isn't one-sided.

The flow is very natural, not at all choppy or repetitive.

I would deffinitely recommend this book to everyone, and is first on my shelf!

Wishing you the best of luck, and hoping that one day I can put it on my real bookshelf!

Diana:)

Hi Alberta

Very different and very shelved.

I like your writing style and saw no technical errors at all in the early chapters. I think the prologue followed by the five day count down works well, though this is a complicated universe you've created and coping with so many players from the outset might put some readers off. If I had written this I would have gone much more slowly and got to know all the people a little more, but then that's my writing style and this is very enjoyable.

I seems to me that you have come up with some fascinating variations on old themes.

Cheers

John

Hi Alberta,
Great opening, a good hook and you have your reader, nice work...
(Given Sara's exactitudes, would she maybe have said ...' named after the country in which they were found?')
(She said as SHE looked at the women)
(Also there and the previous 'she said' you have used full stops, not right I dont think.)
Very brave to go first person for each main protagonist - working well so far!
Characters are working well, the interest is very much there and as a reader I want more, which is the real bottom line! Shelving for a spell, wishing you the best , MAT

Deadly Halo has an intriguing setup, with antagonistic supernaturals on the verge of going for each other's throats, and an appealing character in Kali. The explosive awakening of the 'abominations' is an exciting shift in the plot and made me wonder what was coming next.
Giving each chapter/section a header of the viewpoint character's name is a good idea (thank you!) and I did find that a couple of them stood out by virtue of their different voices. You might consider deepening those distinctions somewhat, though I'm glad you don't take the shortcut of giving them verbal tics.
In revision you might also want to reduce the explanation - I think you're already doing this, since you mention revising the section where I saw noticeable info-dumping. What I would most recommend in revision is smoothing out the prose and watching for run-on sentences and awkward syntax. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising!) There are some minor things like missing commas around terms of address - 'Yes, my Lord', rather than 'Yes my Lord', that can be easily fixed. An editor won't toss a story for minor glitches like that, but extra polish never hurts, right?

I like the difference between the points of view. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,
Alan

Dear Alberta.
amazing book cover amazing pitch......I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT
just let me know if it does not show
BEST OF LUCK
Denise

great writing style and a great story that is intriguing and interesting for the reader. you have created good descriptions and have identified yourself from the mass of books about angels which makes the book eminantly readable. Good luck Backed. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

This deserves to go all the way. Backed with pleasure.
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

A lovely read, do hope you upload more. Your smooth, easy writing style is great and your characterisation terrific - each POV comes over beautifully. An intriguing, imaginative joy.
Backed with pleasure and lots of luck.
Anna (Black Damask)

The only thing I have to say about what I've read so far is that the font you use when telling us the people's names when you switch point of views is a bit hard to read. Otherwise, everything was great, it was a very good read.
~Zero, No Title Needed

Deadly Halo

Your pitch is well presented and made me look at your book.
This is not a genre I would normally read, and I read only the first chapter, which obviously retricts my comments.
It is extremely well written, and I found the story flowed smoothly. I am backing your book because of this.

You definitely have a hand for this genre. It comes fluidly and you know just how to handle it. Reminds me a bit of This Present Darkness or the Circle Trilogy, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Backed and shelved for further reading.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret

You definitely have a hand for this genre. It comes fluidly and you know just how to handle it. Reminds me a bit of This Present Darkness or the Circle Trilogy, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Backed and shelved for further reading.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret

This promises to be one of those grand fantasy/real world/scifi operas. You've set up a variety of threads, and I'm sure you will tie them all together in a satisfying way. Happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

Great storytelling! Really good job. After the first page, I´m intrigued to go on and find out how the scenes relate to one another. Each scene packs a punch. Good luck with this. Susan

An amazing read Alberta, congratulations. It flows very smoothly and from so many different sources. Backed with pleasure. Great work, congratulations. Andrew ps. If you get the chance, please take a peak at Parallel Lives.

Alberta,
I was impressed by the prologue. It was a good start and posed many questions which encourage the reader to read on. On the whole I enjoyed your first person viewpoint and easily identified with Kali, but I started to get confused with the frequent changes and strugggled to remember which character was which. Beyond that niggle, I thought this was accomplished writing and very different to the usual vampire type stories. I liked Damian's analysis of humans: "They preached human rights and peace but practised war." I agree with him that it's strange that the authorities put a lot more money and effort into finding how a person died and yet will hardly raise a finger to help when alive. I'd have liked to have seen a little more of this story.
I will back when I rearrange my bookshelf tomorrow.
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

iono what to say

beautiful cover... extremely good pitch (one of the few really good pitches here on authonomy)... and your writing is just wonderful.

best of luck!

This is a good tale and I will happily back it. But there are a few things that are a little off putting. The largest of these would be haveing all the characters in the first person, it becomes a bit confusing as a reader. The othe is minor and would just need a minor tweak. It is that I found the prologue hard to follow who was making people into abnormals. I do like this though and will put it on my shelf.

Hi Alberta,

Lots going on in this opening chapter but lots of of little hooks to keep you going which is what a first chapter should do. I can't find any flaws in your writing style and hope this does well for you.

Kit
Blue Fire

Enjoyed this more than I thought I would - not totally a type of story I would buy to read. Backed.

Dear Alberta,

Thank you so much for backing "The Doctor of Summitville" and for calling my attention to "Deadly Halo." I'll read your book and comment as soon as I can.

Best regards, Bill

Hi Alberta, I really enjoyed your work. Thank you.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Alberta,

A veritable work in progress. Words match your imagination to fashion a compelling story that, so far, extends to 3 Chapters. Consistent first class writing characterises action and plot. Everything is as exactly what is says on the tin. Watchlisted, Shelved, Backed and Commented on with hopes for further support approaches from you.

Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3

This does seem a bit different to other books of this genre. In the first chapter you throw a number of different concepts and narratives at the reader, and whilst normally this could be risky, it seems to work well here and there is much intrigue as to what is happening. Great writing. Backed.

Hi Alberta,
For some reason I thought I had already read this, but somehow I managed to miss it - until now. You managed to grab me from the very beginning, it is such an engaging story and very well written. I especially like the way each paragraph seems to flow so easily into the next. Backed with pleasure.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

I love it when people take existing mythology and mix it with other stuff until something completely new and interesting comes out, just like you've done so well.

Backed.
K

I came back to readthis again and I am still impressed. Is there any chance of uploading more of this. The idea of angels sent to earth ties in with the biblical Nephilim and works very well. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Alberta

This is very creative and original. For this reason, I could back it.

The writing style is very good. For this reason I could back this.

The dialogue is realistic and flows well. For this reason I could back this.

Chapter to chapter draw appears to be good (only three chapters). For this reason I could back this.

I am not interested in, nor do I read this kind of story. For this reason I should NOT back this.

What to DO????

We should not back things on this site simply because we like the type of story we read: we should back based on the quality of the writing. So, I will back this.

Please read, comment on, and back if opssible my Jamie 7.

Keep smiling
Joseph D Palermo
Jamie 7

hullo Alberta. This is an interesting story. From what you have loaded, it has good flow and good charecters. Very good. Please take a look at my book and thanks for that!
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

A good premise with vivid imagination and creativity. The style is unique and the plot is so engaging that the book jumps out at you to be read. This should do well, you also have a good title and eye catching cover. A brilliant piece of work altogether.

backed with ease,

Lisa

I too enjoyed the writing and pace. I usually stay away from angels but this is the sort of read that would pull me in. Backed. Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Interesting. This is rapidly heading towards vampire angels territory, which should cover both markets nicely.

You write well and you characterise the different voices well, too.
You might want to take care of a few details, though.

The dialogue in the prologue was difficult to attribute to the speakers. So many unfamiliar names right from the start tends to throw the reader off, anyway. When you add unattributed dialogue, it gets really hairy. I would try to include a few more 'X said'and 'Y asked' etc. in there. The reader tends to ignore these, so they hardly ever get in the way, but the subconscious nicely picks up the hint. The text should flow more easily with better attributions.

First person voices are more intimate, which helps bring the text closer to the reader, but that comes at a price: you really need to rein back the author's voice. I felt Kali had a lot of time for self-reflection while she was in shock. If you thought you were about to die, would you waste time imagining a newsreader announcing your death? Things like that really strip the immediacy off a scene that should be short and sharp. She is experiencing stabbing pains; you need to stab the reader, too, not tease them.

Happy to back as the idea is possibly original (possibly because I don't normally do angels, vampires or ghouls, so couldn't possibly know) and the writing is good.

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Exceptional. This kind of powerful writing and clear narrative will go far. I could read all of this and I am not a fan of the genre, but I need to do so in book form as cannot cope with reading long scripts on screen. So, let me know when it is published as surly it must be! I will be one of the first to order a copy. Beautifully structured, believable situations, wonderful characterisation and dialogue used to perfection, to give information, move the story along and build character. Backed with the greatest of pleasure, love Mary

Great read! Not sure I can add much to what you already have, but I can tell you that I would buy this in a heartbeat. Backed!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Hi, I can't make any useful comments because I know nothing about Scifi, but this was great, so backed. Kop - The Lucky Bean Tree.

Hi Alberta, Deadly Halo is top notch. The cover is beautiful, the pitch pulls me in and the writing is great. You've done a wonderful job of setting up the story without a long boring drawn out info-dump like so many here on this site.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Wonderfully imaginative, and with no spelling to grammatical errors that I noticed. Good luck with your book. Marj.

You have a vivid imagination and even more impressive is the execution of it. You have created a great fantasy with very distinct characters and voices. There is originality in all your details and that's what makes this book stand out. Great writing and even more wonderful, complex plot.
Backed earlier and I'm glad to comment.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Very intriguing; very well written. This should do well.

Backed with pleasure.

Cheers
Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

Alberta,
completely captivated by the premise and your writing.
Absolutely love this. and like all good writing you left me wanting more....

Diane

Not necessarily my genre but I am enjoying the read. I shall read on. On that basis... backed.
James

DEADLY HALO: This site is amazing for the way it pushes readers to look at genre which normally doesn't attract them. Your book is an example. The standard of writing and the characters hold a fascination right from the start. Its like seeing a bunch of threads and watching as they are woven together till a picture emeges. I enjoyed what I read... but would like to see more. I see you have written the whole book. Take care that there is enough for people to pass a clear judgement on. Happily backed.
raven Scott (Love is a colour too)

Very gripping and imaginative writing. The reader is instantly involved with each character. The human race is not held in very high regard by these aliens and abominations. We are not all potential murderers or have latent ambitions to conquer the world. Organised war is not a human instinct. It is a highly planned and co-operative form of theft. One of the first evidences of this type of theft was in Jericho at the dawn of civilization when great walls were built to protect their surplus grain from marouding nomads. I know yours is a fantasy tale but I'd like to think that aliens can observe a far greater potential in us then mere fodder and for the satisfaction of lusting vampires.

Dear Alberta,
I read just the first chapter. I'm not a sci fi fan, but your talent shouts. Your voice, your plot, your mastery of the various points of view, the pacing, the suspense, you are very very good. My son, a long time sci fi addict would eat this up. I see how you're weaving the story right from the beginning and I am very impressed. I will back this later today. Best of luck.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Minor nitpicks: watch out for commas leading into run-on sentences where you might be better off to use a full stop and then a new sentence, and also I suggest you cull the exclamation marks. You use the term ‘dream-like state’ twice in several paragraphs … might you consider changing one use of it? And after those nitpicks; I DO like this; it is intriguing. If I found it at the library I’d take it home with me. I had no difficulty with the unusual names; as a matter of fact I think they lend to the book’s interest. And I couldn’t resist a giggle at the end of the first chapter (on here). I can see you have received some useful crit from JD and others, so won’t say any more except good luck!

This is well written. I think you have done a great job of getting the reader interested and wanting to read more.
Backed.
Cheers, Rowan

Alberta, I think you have a great story idea here. A smart twist on what vampires and angels "really" are. I've read all you posted and will keep it on my watch list in hopes you'll post more. I find the multiple first-person narratives a little awkward at first, but it can work once it's grooved in. I'd like to see how you maintain the importance of all these different viewpoint characters as the story progresses. Especially Marvin, who is after all merely human (or so it appears). Jim

Certainly this is well-written. Your prose has a good rhythm for the genre, your description is really well done. The initial two scenes with the emergence of the fangs with Jacob (?) and the angel wings with Kali...I thought both of these short scenes were very dynamic, definitely a rousing beginning. And your short pitch is very good. But I had a little trouble with the back-and-forth between characters, so many characters introduced so quickly. I don't mind doing a little page-flipping in the beginning, to keep characters straight, but I hope that later in the novel the segments spread out a bit as we get to know everyone. It was a lot to digest early on, these quick segments. Your writing is expert, however, and the story idea enough to tempt me out of my normal types of reading. Well done.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

These types of stories usually aren't my cup of tea, but it appears you've still written a good one here. I like the writing and it reads pretty fast. Good luck

Sean

Chapter 1

I don't normally read this genre but I like how you have structured your novel beginning with the prologue and then then the characters. You write with clarity and your characters are distinct from one another. You have done a good job of writing within your genre. Shelved.

Julia Rush
My Parallel Universe

Alberta this is very well written. I like your style of breaking down the MC's by date and name; it will help us follow this story more clearly later..I am sorry this is all you uploaded, but the premise and characters are already well defined and our anxiety is already building in anticipation of whats to come.

I know the order of angels and I can see you've done your research. I already feel attached to Kali and Marvin and I am excited to see what is to follow...Great pace wonderfully descriptive and I can see this is a clear winner.

Backed with Confidence Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

This is a fascinating premise and moves along quickly from scene to scene. Reads like a great start to me. 'Hope to see you on the bookshelves. Best always, Tim Greaton