Banana Republican Blues (Moonbeam Highway)

Thank you. It is fairly clear from your comments what still needs doing with the book. I did make a deliberate choice to have Eddie live in the present, and look towards the future. It seemed to be natural survival strategy. I know it worked well for me when I was in a similar fix. As far as the stories go, they are advertisements for himself, and what sells better than sex? To a cultured Plutocrat like Eddie, that is what his teamster audience would enjoy. But they also belie his impotency, which becomes much clearer in the chapter headed Some Purely Gratuitous Sex and finally, in the barn with Cheyenne. Basically, I envisioned the stories as a progressive deconstruction of the lies he has been telling himself all his life, since he first lost his mojo by leaving the only woman he loved. In the end he accesses the memory he has spent his life denying and the insight gives him his mojo back.

Dear Tim --

We cannot top the praise given you by the multitude of commenters who got here before us, but we can heap our accolades upon theirs. Moonbeam Highway is, quite simply, brilliant. Eddie is a mix of humanity at its most arrogant, but with that undercurrent of self-doubt that forces him to justify his existence through Author Buddy. He is the rise of the bloggers, the tweeters, the facebookers who just have to post about the sandwich they just ate... Can't say that he's likable, but in his fictional way, he's quite real. You made us think of Tom Robbins and Hunter Thompson and Norman Mailer (perhaps altered on a chemical substance)...

Backed, of course. Of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Moonbeam Highway

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼☼]

What a joy. The concept is fresh and original and I like Eddie. I got a bit mixed up to begin with as I struggled to understand the concept. I love that Eddie is writing his story, but Author Buddy shows him his idea and THEN Eddie does it himself, where he left off. But it took me a while to figure that out. Then the drive and CB conversation. I thought Eddie was in a truck and I realised what he was doing, viral marketing, but it was a nice twist when I realise he’s in a car and then it’s even better when he forgets one vital bit of information. Nice twist.

Chapter two, an entertaining read, nice characters and good dialogue. I can’t relate it to chapter one, but I hope it will make sense later. chapter three is great. I’m used to the format now and Eddie’s back into his story. Great dialogue and Eddie’s found out. I liked this. And just when I thought he’d got away with feeding in his “outfit” as well.

The dialogue with Author Buddy is, funny and a great idea. Now Chapter four is just great. It makes chapter two fit in. But you say in the pitch it’s all from eddies POV. And NOW we get to it. Start of chapter five. NOW you link the two narratives. I’m happy now. And I’m going to bail out here. Before you throw me another curve!

I found the structure took some getting used to, but the quirky concept intrigued me to get on your wavelength. I do like writing where the rules are broken or where games are played with structure, as in your case.

I’m backing this and thanks for having backed mine.

Hi Tim!

From what I've read so far, this is really VERY funny! I spent about three years in the deep south with long dusty roads, broken down cars and pride in spicy chili... Traumatic time in my life! (Just kidding, but it WAS colorful, to say the least...) Anyway, this hit a nostagic button for me, then made me hungry!

One nit - I did get a little lost reading through the dialogue with no quotation marks. I ended up having to back up some to change my mind's POV once I realized there was a change back and forth from quotes to story. It may just be your style to not use quotes, and if it is, then disregard.

Overall, though, I found this a very enjoyable read. I haven't gotten through all of it yet, but because of its quality and humor, I know I will - and shortly. Shelved! Best of luck to you!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi Tim;

Here are my promised comments, not that I can type without coughing...

Moonbeam Highway is still on my shelf four days after I first backed it. Yes it's that good.

First, you know how to tell a yarn. In fact, you know how to tell many yarns. You know how to tie those seemingly unrelated yarns into a tight complete story. Anyone who only reads chapter one will totally miss the point. If they keep reading, they will be engrossed in the ultimate road trip.

Second, and most important in my way of thinking, you have something important to say. It's a theme that has repeated itself many times over the past few years both in my country and yours, and I suspect, around the globe.

Any one who feels that their life's course has been long decided by fat pople in pinstripes and bad haircuts, will be affected by your book.

The dark undercurrents are skillfully balanced with bright spots of well placed humor.

I believe that is the main reason your book will do well. Yes it is "American", but in reading it, people will recognize the currents that sweep their own lives along no matter where they live.

well done.

Bob
The one true bank

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Jennifer

Hello Dear,

My name is Jennifer I saw your profile at www.authonomy.com, and decide to contact you for long term relationship hoping that you will accept my request,if you accept my request ,please reply to my email address (jennifer4lovekhalifa@yahoo.com) so that i will send you my photos and more about me,i believe we can make good friends,let distance not be a barrier but lets love connect,because love is a bridge connect far distance to be close Yours Lovely
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Jennifer

Hi Tim. Regarding your comments in a message to me on the rhythm of Kubla Khan (I'm having to reply here as you have your messages set to 'friends' only) I think the fact that Coleridge is writing in iambs, and that English language is broadly iambic (which is precisely the reason English speaking poets favour iambs) means that virtually any text in English is bound to have iambic passages within it. I write poetry every day and have done so for years, often getting paid for my efforts, so this isn't just off the top of my head. I think and breathe poetry. Your writing flows well, but I wouldn't, personally have said it was any more like Coleridge then any other prose with a reasonable degree of eloquence. However, if your sister can hear shades of Kubla Khan in your writing, then she can hear them, and if I can't, I can't. It's my loss.

Don't understand a word of your short pitch. I'm clearly not your target audience. That of course is a hook in itself for me as on a site like this I'm able to dip into books that I normally wouldn't pick up, and may as a result discover something grippingly outside my normal experience.

Long pitch. This is more comprehensible, though I would change 'After Eddie meets Cheyenne...' to 'When Eddie meets Cheyenne...' as 'After' sits uncomfortably with the clause 'trouble follows wherever they go'. Come to think of it, I'd drop 'wherever they go'. It's superfluous.

Typo in next sentence of pitch: 'stands a excellent chance' should be 'stands an excellent chance'.

Last paragraph shouldn't be there. I would hope your prose was carefully cadenced. If you need to tell me it is, it makes me suspect it isn't. I would hope you don't engage in navel-gazing. If you have to make this point, I suspect you're worried you might have navel-gazed. And I would most certainly hope that the tale is well told. As for referencing Kubla Khan, all I can say is you've got a nerve. Are you really that good? I mean, really? Okay, I'm hooked by this claim so I will read on, but I can't help feeling you've set yourself up for a fall.

Chapter one: 'picaresque' is strictly speaking an adjective, not a noun. The noun from picaresque is picaroon, though you couldn't use that as it has a different meaning to the one you want, referring to a rogue rather than a style of novel-writing, which is what I'm assuming you mean. Small point, but it had me hunting down the dictionary to double-check. No reason why you shouldn't use it as a noun, of course.

The italicised section is witty and nicely penned.

I'm trying to work out when this is set. The CB chat is very eighties. Phrases like 'beatnik jive' a couple of decades earlier. I'd assumed it was contemporary, but it doesn't feel it. Would be nice to have some clear pointers near the start. It's possible that they're there, and I'm missing them of course. Reading on, with the reference to AIDS, we're clearly later than I thought. Maybe contemporary after all.

I'm beginning to think the Kubla Khan reference in your pitch was a deliberate blind alley. Don't think Coleridge was wont to use phrases like 'being hauled around in a marathoner's jockstrap', but maybe that was in the bit he never wrote, thanks to the gentleman from Porlock.

Okay, enough from me. Someone complained I tend to sound like a school teacher in my crits. I'm not, but I can see I'm veering that way again. I'll leave this novel to those who are more obviously your target audience. You've got some great writing here, but the last paragraph of your pitch really isn't doing you any favours in my view. This is easy-reading and fluid writing rather than 'carefully cadenced'. It's laid back and relaxed. It's fun. The dialogue sounds authentic. I think you need to re-think what the strengths really are and highlight those in your pitch.

Hello dear friend
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Hi Tim!

The site wouldn't let me send you a message, so I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

Ah I remember beading/backing this during your race to the desk. :)

Beautiful writing. Great descriptons. Deft dialogue, Looking again, I especially like Cheyenne's parallel story. I think it adds real richness and depth. Great story. I hope you've managed to find an agent/publisher. I'd love to see this published. :)

Shock news: my book, A Memory of Blood, just reached no. 2 in the rankings! Scary. :) Is there any chance you’d be willing to back me just this month? May will be the last month I'm racing. Win or lose, I'll stop racing in June.

Yours hopefully,

Pete

ps I'm hoping keeping me on your shelf should be good for your tsr too. I'm driving v hard for the desk, so I will be going up. ;)

Looks like you made the ABNA quarterfinals. Congratulations. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I read your first four chapters.

General comments: An excellent beginning to what appears to be a well-woven, brilliantly detailed tale. Clearly sketched main characters. Rich descriptions. Lively dialogue. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'If Eddie had know where he was going, he never would have left where he was at' is foretelling. Foretelling takes some of the energy and tension out of your story. Readers like to experience events as they occur. They like twists and surprises. Consider not foretelling.
2) ' ... spending the fortune his forebears earned making useful things things for people.' You used 'things' twice in this sentence.
3) ' ... like being hauled around in a marathoner's jockstrap.' Good similie. Clever. Vivid.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'You make a note of the ash-blond hair ...' Blonde = female. Blond = male.
2) "No, nothing like that, you say." Did you mean to include 'you say' in the dialogue?

Specific comments on chapter three:
None

Specific comments on chapter four:
1) "Telephone, call Dad." Josie says once more. Comma after 'Dad.'
2) 'Josie turns to you and says.' Comma after 'says.'
3) "And the people that work there?" 'That' should be 'who.'

I hope this critiques helps you to polish these all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible read by Harper Collins at the end of this month. Would you consider reading the third chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a wonderful day.

Happy holidays.

Al

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Absurd enough for my liking, a true road movie in print and hilarious with it. Backed with pleasure.

Angus Shoor Caan

loving the read, ... hooked and ready to read some more...
backed with pleasure
green h - through green's eyes

Thank you. It is fairly clear from your comments what still needs doing with the book. I did make a deliberate choice to have Eddie live in the present, and look towards the future. It seemed to be natural survival strategy. I know it worked well for me when I was in a similar fix. As far as the stories go, they are advertisements for himself, and what sells better than sex? To a cultured Plutocrat like Eddie, that is what his teamster audience would enjoy. But they also belie his impotency, which becomes much clearer in the chapter headed Some Purely Gratuitous Sex and finally, in the barn with Cheyenne. Basically, I envisioned the stories as a progressive deconstruction of the lies he has been telling himself all his life, since he first lost his mojo by leaving the only woman he loved. In the end he accesses the memory he has spent his life denying and the insight gives him his mojo back.

The first few paragraphs of this page really hooked me.
Just checking- would Anne use "pensive"? In my mind as I read, I saw her Ivy league hiding in ratty jeans. That what you mean?

First sentence, did you write "where he was at" for the sound of it? Might have worked better for me, unaware that you do know your grammar, per rest of page, if the whole thought had had a twang:
"If Eddie'd known where he was goin', he'd never left where he was at."

"not living up to his expectations, (since) he was on his own...." or are you going, again, for a Gomer Pile sound in the narrative?

Actually like the story. I've had my share of friends with "handles". "Gopher Anus" is new to me, though.

Hi there
I've been looking for HP's comments on your book but can't locate them anywhere...how's it doing?
Cheers
Stewart

Came across your book after reading you on a forum thread, was enjoying the read and only then noticed the star. Not surprised. Hope you have reconnected with the family.

Thank you for reading and commenting. It's always good to hear that someone enjoyed it.

Excuse me if I don't sound more excited, but I was informed of it by email this morning, my first message from authonomy in six months time, and thought it might be my long overdue review. Alas. But nice to hear.

Came across your book after reading you on a forum thread, was enjoying the read and only then noticed the star. Not surprised. Hope you have reconnected with the family.

congratulations
tom bye 'from hugs to kisses'

Congratulations and best of luck!
Sharon Cooper
Seka

congrats on winning a review. They're lucky to get the opertunity.

Well done, Tim. We might not agree on everything but your success is well deserved.

Philip John

Dear Tim,

I can't remember whether or not I already left you a comment, but I will do so now just in case. I definitely enjoy your style of writing, and the story itself is one readers will definitely delight in. I have backed your book, and hope you will return my read by checking out Redemption.

~Jess
Redemption

How do Tim,

thanks for backing 'When...?' Always pleased to meet Americans who get 'British Humour.'

Had a look at your baby - 'total rubbish' - just messin' - British humour.

Love 'slow dogs and fast women.'.

BACKED!

Good luck on that Ed's desk.

Thanks again,

Rob
(When...?)

Well, this is distinctly off-centre, but I loved the opening for its unashamed (albeit eccentric) American-ness and the way the reader gets an immediate sense of heading somewhere interesting. Classic allegorical road-story then, executed with uncommon erudition and writerly skill. I hope you get the review you deserve.

Have to say there are some things I can relate to here....the Florida heat and the flat landscape with nothing of interest to look at as you drive down good old I-10. Truck driver lingo is unfamiliar to me but I got the feeling you definitely know exactly how to use it and it made for some engaging conversation. Got a snicker out of his handle, "Gopher Anus"....too funny. I will be reading more!

Its exactly where it should be in the top 5, best of luck.

Like it

Bizarre - and really well done - backed

Hi Tim, I havn't tried the Chili recipe yet but I back the book. Harold Alvin (ICON)Wesley

Tim,

Your book felt so... Human to me. Which is so strange, because though Eddie's life is so unlike my own, i felt i could relate uncannily to him.

I hope you make the ed desk. (3 days to go!)

Backed with pride,

Shawna Logue
It's a Kind of Magic

Love chapter one. Gopher Anus!
Will come back for more.
Karien (A Bird in a Pram)

Wow

By this I mean it is a stunning piece of work--the best thing I have read on here and I'm not surprised it has done so well.
Eddie will become a legend--to be sure--if Harper and Collins don't pick this up--it's only because it has been?

It has, hasn't it?

If it hasn't --we're all doomed.

Best Steve

Hi Tim,

A great story and I'm not surprised it's found it's way to near the top of the rankings.

The concept of the characters coming to life and arguing with the author has been done before - as I'm sure you know - but it's rare enough for it to at least seem unique.

I've only had time to read the read the first two chapters, but found no errors in that section, so all I can say is - congratulations.

Ron

I backed your book, knowing you are going somewhere. I am very humble reading my own work. I wish you the best. Your book is an example of what I see this site is all about.

Chapter one: This was different. A unique perspective. Almost fun to read, with the Author Buddy--I laughed a few times when they argued. It was enjoyable. You have a solid groundwork laid for an engaging, amusing read. The voice of both Author Buddy and Eddie are distinctive and the text is informative without being a drag--there's humanity in it, a distinctive flair--voice, rather--that gives it life.

You switch perspective-- jumping from third, second and first person with ease. It is rare that a writer can do that. The tidbit with Yorrick's skull really stood out for me, for some reason...can't put a finger on it.

Overall this first chapter is awesome and I'd be happy to make room on my shelf for Moonbeam Highway.

Best of luck with the ED!

- M

Hi Tim. I am not really qualified to review your Moonbean Highways because it has a strong literary feel to it, and I am strictly a genre reader and writer. However, I will give you a few quick thoughts. Please take them at their value, which may be zero! I'm on shaky reviewer ground here.


First, my poor brain could not wrap itself around your opening section. It was far too ethereal for me to comprehend. The writing was beautiful, but I kept losing the thread, so I ended up skimming it. It was your next section that really grabbed me:

>> If Eddie had known where he was going, he never would have left where he was at. <<

I love this line. It got my attention.


>> Half slumped down in the driver’s seat, he was leaning a little to the right, elbow deep in the armrest, left hand draped on the wheel, left foot planted on the edge of the seat where he kept it for highway driving. <<

This does an excellent job of painting me a picture of him. If I were reviewing genre fiction, I would lodge the minor complaint that this smacks of the voice of an omniscient author. But given your style, I'll avoid such a criticism. You clearly know what you are doing, and I will not dare to intrude.


>> He'd kept them up with polish and spit but, along with everything else about Eddie, from the sun-dried skin to the grey-brown hair, they were starting to show some age. <<

Nice. You have a lot of skill with words.


>> slow dogs and fast women <<

Wow, I'm jealous!


>> He gave Eddie an education. <<

Would this be better in past perfect: HAD GIVEN


>> What was I doing buying calls when everyone else was shorting? <<

I know what this means because I have worked in the financial industry, but I suspect that most people will not.


SUMMARY:

Usually when I do a review, it's long and detailed. But I found myself unable to criticize you. Between the fact that this is more literary than my usual reading, and the fact that you are an excellent writer, I have almost nothing useful to say to you.

My one suggestion, given with great timidity, is that you remove the disjointed (to me, anyway) beginning and begin with the first line that I quoted in this review. This is the point at which the rubber hits the road. Everything before that felt like rambling to me. I didn't get it. But once we settled into the Caddy's seat with your MC, the story hooked me. Well done!

Sandy Samson

Dear Tim --

We cannot top the praise given you by the multitude of commenters who got here before us, but we can heap our accolades upon theirs. Moonbeam Highway is, quite simply, brilliant. Eddie is a mix of humanity at its most arrogant, but with that undercurrent of self-doubt that forces him to justify his existence through Author Buddy. He is the rise of the bloggers, the tweeters, the facebookers who just have to post about the sandwich they just ate... Can't say that he's likable, but in his fictional way, he's quite real. You made us think of Tom Robbins and Hunter Thompson and Norman Mailer (perhaps altered on a chemical substance)...

Backed, of course. Of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Cool concept, but the execution.. I'm a little uncertain of this. A CB radio? Very dated. Who is the audience for this book? What do they look like? What type of job do they have? Where do they live? (Middle America?)

In the longer passages you need a better mix of simple and complex sentences. Overall, there's WAY too much alliteration. It becomes distracting and makes reading difficult at times. You've got a great talent for writing, there's no doubt about that.

Thank you, Calvin for looking at Windshadow and giving it your backing. Best of luck with yours.
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

And what right would i need to earn to defend myself against a confused, insecure, and tired person such as yourself i wonder?
You're not confused you say? I would like you to quote one time for me the one time i said i was better than anyone else? I can quote however, the times that I've said i was no better than bug. You look old enough why not act your age?
You are tired and sad my friend. Your insecurities brought you to that forum and you're a joke if you say they did not. I can tell that you're a smart man so listen very carefully to these next words:
You have been bagged and tagged by someone a little quicker than yourself.
I wanted to draw out the ass's of insecurity and the talent of strength with in. Passion. I found what i wanted. What have you have found out about you're self? That you're easily duped? That you are actually insecure? Or that you feel you have earned the right to bully anyone? Which is it. I leave you're comment up as it only draws the positive out of the negative for me once again. Maybe you should try the concept sometime. Look for hidden good before assuming bad..
Good luck to you..
Eric Shira

Hi Tim,

There is very smart wit here, all along the way. It’s great to actually feel humane sympathy for The Mighty That Hath Fallen, this poor dodo of a main character, bless him. I think you're a Writer’s Writer, and it’s a story for storytellers. Every sentence has attitude - this is wonderful.

I wish the basic set-up had been explained up front! I confess (sorry!) I might not persist, if I were thumbing through this book, in a bookshop. Please tell me what’s going on? You would have truly hooked me, if so, becasue i like the guy, and i like the general wise-ass atmosphere.

because there’s a wonderful funny voice here, I will take my hat off to this story, and back this book.

best wishes from a fellow wise-ass
Eileen Kardos (The Noodle Trail)

Bear with me and I will add more comment (constructive of course) further down the line...
Stay Well
Stewart
Backed!

Crazy enough to work

A wonderful picaresque novel, bursting at the seams with manic humour and character. Reading it really feels like a crazed journey along America's loopier byways. There is such a marvellous contrast between Eddie's tall tales and the sour-mouthed reality of things. There is a clear Gonzo element to the narrative and I can't wait to see what further lunacies lie in wait way down the road. Backed.

This is certainly different, and will either delight or irritate readers. My impression is you're making your readers work to understand what is going on, and we are supposed to grab their attention with action from line 1. You may well prove that wrong though. Backed.

Brave approach, bringing the author's voice in. I'm not sure it works for me, though, in this case. This format really works wonders in a voice-over narrative in movie format. Here, it sounded a little too self-conscious and somehow distracting.
I can see the need to balance Eddie's own self-image with a more cynical look at him from the outside, but you could say that the truckers are already doing this for him.
For me, the story didn't start until his first conversation with the trucker in chapter 1.

The dialogue is very funny and the conflict between Eddie's internal and external self-images is clear enough without having to prop it up with the author's voice.

I like the story. It's going places.

The novel dialogue format works most of the time, but it does trip up occasionally.
For instance:
~ I'm Anne, you say, like a practiced liar.
It takes just that bit longer to put the speech marks around 'I'm Anne' in your mind, which makes the narrative falter momentarily.
But the format's widespread enough in other languages and it works there. So, it's probably just a matter for the reader to get used to.

I'm intrigued. I'll have to read on to see if the whole author-protagonist interchange starts to work eventually.

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Well written for what it is although how to define it might be rather more challenging! Apart from truckers and hitch-hikers, I'm not sure who this would appeal to...good luck anyway!

Tim

I’m not an editor or grammarian. What I can tell people on Authonomy is what works for me as a reader. This works. The language rings true. The line “ Florida heat...marathoners jockstrap” captured Florida humid heat perfectly and I immediately wanted to shower. The one line that didn’t ring as true to me was “fast cars and slow dogs” It is not bad just seems to have been done before. Maybe it stands out because everything else is so original. Just a thought.

Best of Luck
Keep Writing
WSS
HAKTAW HEART

Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes
Tim Chambers

Tim,
I believe I read, commented and backed this sometime last year. I've placed it on my shelf again and am happy to see it at No. 2 at the moment. Inventive idea for a novel and wishing you a great review from HC.
Zan