Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 11264
date submitted 23.07.2009
date updated 09.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Comedy
classification: universal
incomplete

Banana Republican Blues (Moonbeam Highway)

Tim Chambers

When one of history's biggest losers sets out to become a road house chef, he never imagines the Oval Office might be his final destination.

 

When Eddie loses his family's Forbes 400 fortune to leveraged bets on Wall Street, his safety net is a gift for gab and a prize winning chili con carne. He takes to the road in a rickety Cadillac Eldorado, seeking work as a roadhouse chef in the bankrupt service economy. To ensure his reputation precedes him, he engages in viral marketing over the CB radio, spinning racy tales of a ladykiller chili and its peripatetic chef, which find a skeptical audience.

When Eddie meets Cheyenne, a spirited woman with a price on her head and a deadly butterfly knife, trouble follows wherever they go, until he challenges the national chili champion to a one on one cook-off which, with assistance from a TV comedian, determines the results of a national election.

Reflecting on his experiences at the bottom of the food chain, Eddie rethinks his elitist views on political economy, and stands an excellent chance of putting his ideas into practice.

Written in a carefully cadenced prose, reminiscent of Kubla Khan, it eschews much of the navel gazing of literary fiction in favor of a tale well told, melding Don Quixote and Cinderella.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

adventure, road novel

on 365 watchlists

712 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Prologue

In a barrier island village along the Florida Coast, the name of which is unspeakable, there lived until a short while ago, a gentleman of a certain estate. He still kept a mallet and saddle around, but the stable of ponies for contact sport and the greyhounds for coursing were gone. His abode was a measly ten-room apartment above a mere twelve-car garage, and what little income he had left, from renting out the manse, was consumed by debt and daily expenses.

A crock of well-spiced brisket of beef, otherwise known as chili, squabs he reared in a homemade coop, and vegetables raised on the polo ground, served as his principal diet. His vast collection of bespoke suits, ill-adapted to the Florida climate, had formerly sold on consignment, yet still, he cut a courageous figure in Brooks Brothers seconds from the outlet mall.

He was known by his peers for his excellent mind, though few could have said what for, and given to perusing sophistical tomes by Leo Strudle, Ein Rant, and Friedrich von Hiccup, which still infected the imagination of the drug-addled leadership class. As these had become obnoxious to him, he burnt them on his bluestone hearth and collected second-hand cookery books from which he gleaned his knowledge of chili and the delicacies of the Creoles. He supplemented this reading with novels, chronicles of the open road that urged him to dispossess himself of all that he once held dear. The most notable of these were Don Quixote and The Tale of Huckleberry Finn.

It is said by some that he went rather mad when, touched by death, consumed by debt, and wilted by the endless summer, he auctioned off his remaining estate and all the valuables therein. Rumor had it the auction price defrayed his debts to his banking buddies, but did not leave enough for his bookie. As the white-collar criminal class might say, Eddie was on the lam.

 

A Man Out of his Element

It’s just as well I’m not attached to money,  as money is not attached to me. 

Anonymous

If Eddie had known where he was going, he never would have left where he was at. Half slumped down in the driver’s seat, he was leaning a little to the right, elbow deep in the armrest, left hand draped on the wheel, left foot planted on the edge of the seat where he kept it for highway driving. The heel of his boot had worn a spot to the warp and weft of the velvet[1], but that didn’t bother Eddie much. He knew the old heap would be ready for scrap long before that seat wore through, and the way he drove that Cadillac car, he might have been on to something.

The boots were custom-made from horsehide, black with silver toe caps on them, initials cut from lizard skin. He’d kept them up with polish and spit but, along with everything else about Eddie, they were starting to show their age. They’d cost him a thousand dollars once when he was on the tear, spending the fortune his forebears earned making useful things for people. Several billion, some said it was, but Eddie went through it in less than a decade after his grandpa died, on slow dogs and fast women, derivatives and mortgage bonds. If it hadn’t been for the leveraged bets, he’d be a rich man today, but all that was left of his family’s sweat were the worn out boots, the junkyard car, and the clothes he’d packed in the trunk.

In dire need of company, Eddie keyed his microphone and launched into some of that CB chatter in a version of Texas Twang he’d learned from nowhere anyone could place.

“This is Gofer Aynis talking, heading west on Highway Ten, anyone out there? Over.”

The accent would seem genuine, even to Texan ears, were it not for the riffs off Gomer Pyle[2], and bits of central Florida cracker he’d picked up at the track. It wasn’t that Eddie was phony or nothing, but it didn’t take much, to his way of thinking, to feel that Connecticut lockjaw wasn’t the way to appeal to truckers working the Deep South routes, and it seemed as far from who he was as any voice could be.

This is Gofer Aynis talking, heading west on Highway Ten, anyone out there? Over.”

Bestowed on a Doofus he once portrayed on the open mikes of comedy clubs, the handle was now a private joke, made at his own expense. It represented a side of Eddie, repressed throughout his youth, that emerged when he doubled down on risk to earn more compelling returns and acquired a ruinous reputation for turning platinum into tin. Comedy was an outlet for him, a means to escape the hedge fund work he’d never had much interest in. He’d always wanted to be on stage, started college in dramatic arts, but no one would give him speaking parts because he didn’t have the acting chops, so he joined the family firm instead.

The routines were the work of his songwriter buddy, a one-hit wonder with a Grammy award, who had faded into obscurity in a haze of mind-altering substances. He was a surgeon when Eddie knew him, the kind who trims the trees, and he had all manner of harebrained schemes for drawing attention to himself, consisting of youtube videos, mostly, that never seemed to go viral. With his beatnik jive and bohemian style, he offered a welcome change of pace from the rentiers on the resort circuit who were Eddie’s most loyal investors, and was one of few who would speak to him after his final fall from grace.

Eddie keyed his mike again. “This is Gofer Aynis talking. I’d sure like some company. Anyone out there? Over.”

Despite its limited usefulness, the CB fad had swept the country at the height of the sexual revolution, celebrated by popular culture in film, television and song. Its demise coincided suspiciously with the rise of the AIDS epidemic, yet still it served its original purpose as a medium for teamsters. He figured it would enable him to be whatever he chose to be, and say whatever he had to say, with one distinct advantage over the social Internet. Unregulated by the FCC[3], unmonitored by the NSA[4], and unrecorded by Lockheed Corp. for the spooks at DHS[5], it was the one remaining medium of free and unfettered self-expression. The words he spoke would be gone forever, a memory only to those who heard them, never to fly back into his face after going viral on him, or louse-up his career prospects due to their nonconformity to the range of acceptable ideas. But all he had gotten so far was dead air.

Eddie put down the mike and sighed. The romance of the open road was not living up to his expectations. He’d been a full day on the road already, up through the swamps on Route 19, where boundless groves of wax myrtles were a man’s sole travel companions. Unless you count the Florida heat, which felt like being hauled around in a marathoner’s jockstrap. He’d warbled into his transmitter all the way up that lonely road, singing every song he knew, issuing pleas for company, and wishing he’d taken the Interstate. With lightning flashes from a distant storm, resembling his old portfolio charts, crashing down on a landscape laden with the relics of the housing bust, it was not the time for solitude. Eddie switched the radio on -- “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose...” -- only to shut it off again. Much as he revered the singer, to one who’d know the freedom once of nothing left to gain, the words stung like mockery. With emergency repairs that morning having taken his last two cents, and the blinker on the gas gauge demanding his attention, there was nothing liberating in it.

The sharp blast of an air horn jarred him out of his despond as the snarling grille of a big Mack tractor loomed in his rear view mirror. Eddie swung his wheel to the right, veering into the slow lane. Watching the tanker truck roll by and cut in up ahead, his eyes were snared by the skull and crossbones looming over its tail end. Alas, poor Yorick, voices murmured. To be or not to be, they said. Eddie fingered the red bandana wrapped around his neck and shifted his weight in the seat. If you don’t find some work real soon you just might have to end it all, just like your... Eddie tipped the wheel to the left, gunning the motor to pass the skull and all the morbid thoughts it brought him.

Suddenly, the scanner squawked. “This is Hairless Hairy. Anyone know some banker jokes?”

Almost overwhelmed with joy at the sound of a human voice, Eddie grabbed his microphone. He knew lots of banker jokes, many of them personally. He had such an array to  chose from, he let someone else beat him to it. 

This is Tango Tyler, Harry. How does a Wall Street bankster resemble a Master of the Universe? Over.”

Eddie rolled his eyeballs. Not that old saw.

Beats the hell out of me, Tango,” Hairless Harry replied.

Not wishing to denigrate central Asians, let alone people with Downs Syndrome, by equating them with investment bankers, Eddie left the punch line[6] in the air and steered the conversation elsewhere. “This is Gofer Aynis, Harry, you get clipped in the bond market, too?”

What the hell you talkin about?”

Man’s a write off, Eddie thought. “Whaddayasay there, Tango Tyler? This is Gofer Aynis talking, heading west on Highway Ten.”

Whatchya haulin, prairie dog shit?”

Seat of your pants, there, Tango Tyler, think you’re some kinda comedian, do ya? Rig full of laughing hyenas here be much obliged for your jokes and all but you wouldn’t want to mess with them none. They ain’t been fed a spell.”

Don’t be givin me lip now, boy,” Tango Tyler shot right back. “Runnin a handle like Gopher Anus, you take what’s coming to you.”

Got your attention, didn’t I?”

Don’t be lettin it go to your head. Been tryin to raise some chat all day.”

You ain’t the only one.” Eddie replied. “I’m looking for that good old boy they calls Ophelia’s Darling. Ain’t heard tell of him lately, have you?”

Sounds like a live one to me, Good Buddy. You two doin the hanky-panky?”

Hell I am. But your wife might be. He’s one hell of a womanizer -”

Don’t be talkin about my Mama,” Tango Tyler said.

Just squaring up the put-downs, pardner. Heard that handle round these parts?”

Can’t say I have there, Gopher.”

How long you been driving, Tango?”

Darn near half my lifetime, and I’m well over fifty.”

And you ain’t heard of… damn! All his cooking and womanizing… boy’s a legend near as I can tell.”

The traffic ahead was slowing down toward the brow of the next hill, at least what passed for a hill in those parts. It was undulating woodland mostly, elongated peaks and troughs that rode a bit like waves. To Eddie, it mirrored the chart pattern of a real solid equity buy, but songwriter buddy’s words of wisdom echoed in his mind.

Get your head out of that world, Big Daddy. The market’s just a pack of wolves feeding off a diminishing herd. Think of what else you can do for bread instead of running money.

While he might have corralled some new investors and found his way back in the game, he knew it had gotten beyond his ken in the years that he had played it. Having learned to read from yearly reports and calculate from balance sheets, stocks were second nature to him. His lemonade stand was the trading desk of his family’s investment firm, where he learned how to watch the order flow to pick out the daily highs and lows, thus turning numbers into gold. Making money out of money was the only trade he knew, but he drowned in an alphabet soup of products that, at least, assured him good returns when all else seemed to fail. Now, having lost his family’s wealth, he was ready to do what his father urged but never had the courage to try. Like many a fictional character before him, and a few real people, too, Eddie set out to seek his fortune with barely a dime to his name, and would use the means at his disposal to promote himself to that end. Eddie keyed his mike once more.

“Just like I was saying, Tango, that boy makes the best damn gumbo, heard tell it won prizes too, down in New Orleans and pot roast chili, hoot dee dang! Made with brisket, stewed in beer, with garden herbs and chili peppers, couple of secret ingredients just to round the hot stuff out, served with long neck Dixie Beer. Worked cafes from here to Abilene long as I been driving rigs, last I heard he’d be in these parts. I always like to taste his cookin whenever I pass through, but that boy never stays put nowhere. Gets himself in woman trouble everywhere he goes, has to hotfoot out of town once they get that way about him. Says them gals want saddle ponies they shouldn’t be ridin rodeo.”

In love with the sound of his own words, Eddie smiled with satisfaction. My advertisement for myself went off pretty well, he thought. He’d spread the word about his chili, made it sound right tasty, too, and sexy enough to sell it. He enjoyed that trickle of endorphins he always got when things went well, and a warm feeling came over him that he was off to damn good start. He’d read some Horatio Alger tales back when he was a boy, and hoped that he could do the same, but the fact that he wasn’t a lad anymore, and had never known anyone personally who started up with nothing, began to penetrate his pate.

As Eddie reached the crest of the slope, a cacophony of voices erupted from the scanner. The talk was full of exit ramps and alternate routes, etcetera, what the cause of the hold-up was and how long it might be. Another half a mile on, Interstate Ten was a parking lot, and a truck stop parking lot at that, filled with scores and dozens of trucks, all within range of his radio, and all at a dead stop. Eddie looked down at his gas gauge, turned his vapor fueled car to the shoulder, and waited for the chatter to settle down.

As Eddie sat there cooling his heels, enjoying the opiates in his veins, that little pac-man[7] in his head that always came when he got that feeling started to gobble it up, consuming his self-confidence. His past was full of accomplishments, but none he cared about all that much. He wondered if, had he gone his own way, done what he wanted to do with his life, and achieved that standard to which he aspired but gave up trying to meet, would things have turned out differently for him, and would he now feel so feckless? Then, it occurred to him what went wrong. Goddam it, Gofer Aynis, you forgot about the outfit. How’s anyone gonna recognize me and offer me a job?


 

[1]     The car was a gift to their old chauffeur, who knew of the days when limousines had finely upholstered passenger seats and a leather covered driver’s seat. Eddie’s father wanted him to feel more like his passengers, so he had the standard leather seats re-upholstered in silk.

[2]    A television character from the 1960s. Gomer was a good-natured simpleton from backwoods North Carolina who spoke with a hillbilly accent.

[3]    . Federal Communication Commission, regulates telecommunication.

[4]    . National Security Administration, eavesdrops on all forms of telecommunication.

[5]    . Department of Homeland Security, a cluster f*** of security bureaucracies.

[6]    One is a Mongoloid version of the other.

[7]    One of the earliest digital games, it was in the shape of a circle that opened and closed like a mouth, and ran through a little obstacle course, populated with occasional bombs, eating everything in its path.

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
HarperCollins Wrote


‘Moonbeam Highway’ suggests in its first sentence a scenario of change and disappointment; it’s an irresistible hook. The first two paragraphs are rich in detail, and hint at Eddie’s vanished world of luxury. This idea of having fallen in the world is a compelling one, and I hope it will be developed further. Perhaps we could see more of Eddie’s difficulties adjusting to his dramatically reduced circumstances; apart from one minor snit, he seems bizarrely unaffected by bitterness or regret. There is little connection with his past life: no friends left behind, no specific things that he misses, no memories. Perhaps this is a deliberate choice, but I found it unbelievable that he would live so much in the present.
The structure of ‘Moonbeam Highway’ is quite unusual and difficult to evaluate as a partial draft. Cheyenne’s parallel story, reconstructed mysteriously from her diary, makes one wonder who has compiled the narrative – Eddie? Handled carefully this could be interesting, treading similar ground to ‘Foe’ by J. M. Coetzee. Your movement between first-, second- and third-person perspective is an ambitious and potentially alienating decision. It may really add to the full novel, but in the sample provided I couldn’t be sure that this risk would pay off. Particularly in the Cheyenne chapters it is not clear why the second perspective is used, and readers must feel sure that you are challenging them for a clear purpose.
It is not altogether clear what sort of reader you are hoping to attract. ‘Moonbeam Highway’ is often very experimental in style, but contains elements of sensationalism (“How do you like your sausage cooked?”) that seem inappropriate for a literary audience. The narrative seems to be building into an epic tall tale, and I thought it was a clever stroke to evoke the American oral tradition of storytelling. Your dialogue is confident and flows naturally. However, the repetition of Eddie’s smutty and markedly similar stories about Ophelia, the Sherriff’s wife et al. seems unnecessary and sexist. While this demonstrates Eddie’s character in the first instance, afterwards it just seems like titillation. Even with a postmodern chapter heading like “Some Purely Gratuitous Sex,” these stories need to contribute something that develops the either character or the plot.
The pacing of the chapters presented does not feel quite right at present. Momentum is lost when Eddie and Cheyenne stop to work at the restaurant. Their journey has been driving the plot slowly forwards in the earlier chapters and it seems jarring to have them find the place, settle down, and have Cheyenne kill a man all in the same chapter. You might want to look at something like Glen David Gold’s ‘Carter Beats the Devil’ as a novel that is eccentric and descriptive, but still has a strong line of plot to carry the reader through.
‘Moonbeam Highway’ is quirky and engaging but would be better if it were more measured in terms of pacing and plot. There is too much repetition, especially in the earlier sections, and there is some material that appears twice in chapters 11 and 12. A careful edit is needed. There are suggestions that you are leading to a revelation that will deconstruct the narrative you have been building, and these must be satisfied if they are to remain. The characters are enticing, but need to be developed further. From this draft I am not entirely confident that you are building to a satisfying conclusion, but am hopeful that with revisions you may be able to pull together the disparate elements and create something special.

bonalibro wrote 624 days ago

Thank you. It is fairly clear from your comments what still needs doing with the book. I did make a deliberate choice to have Eddie live in the present, and look towards the future. It seemed to be natural survival strategy. I know it worked well for me when I was in a similar fix. As far as the stories go, they are advertisements for himself, and what sells better than sex? To a cultured Plutocrat like Eddie, that is what his teamster audience would enjoy. But they also belie his impotency, which becomes much clearer in the chapter headed Some Purely Gratuitous Sex and finally, in the barn with Cheyenne. Basically, I envisioned the stories as a progressive deconstruction of the lies he has been telling himself all his life, since he first lost his mojo by leaving the only woman he loved. In the end he accesses the memory he has spent his life denying and the insight gives him his mojo back.

delhui wrote 727 days ago

Dear Tim --

We cannot top the praise given you by the multitude of commenters who got here before us, but we can heap our accolades upon theirs. Moonbeam Highway is, quite simply, brilliant. Eddie is a mix of humanity at its most arrogant, but with that undercurrent of self-doubt that forces him to justify his existence through Author Buddy. He is the rise of the bloggers, the tweeters, the facebookers who just have to post about the sandwich they just ate... Can't say that he's likable, but in his fictional way, he's quite real. You made us think of Tom Robbins and Hunter Thompson and Norman Mailer (perhaps altered on a chemical substance)...

Backed, of course. Of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

toussaint wrote 759 days ago

Moonbeam Highway

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼☼]

What a joy. The concept is fresh and original and I like Eddie. I got a bit mixed up to begin with as I struggled to understand the concept. I love that Eddie is writing his story, but Author Buddy shows him his idea and THEN Eddie does it himself, where he left off. But it took me a while to figure that out. Then the drive and CB conversation. I thought Eddie was in a truck and I realised what he was doing, viral marketing, but it was a nice twist when I realise he’s in a car and then it’s even better when he forgets one vital bit of information. Nice twist.

Chapter two, an entertaining read, nice characters and good dialogue. I can’t relate it to chapter one, but I hope it will make sense later. chapter three is great. I’m used to the format now and Eddie’s back into his story. Great dialogue and Eddie’s found out. I liked this. And just when I thought he’d got away with feeding in his “outfit” as well.

The dialogue with Author Buddy is, funny and a great idea. Now Chapter four is just great. It makes chapter two fit in. But you say in the pitch it’s all from eddies POV. And NOW we get to it. Start of chapter five. NOW you link the two narratives. I’m happy now. And I’m going to bail out here. Before you throw me another curve!

I found the structure took some getting used to, but the quirky concept intrigued me to get on your wavelength. I do like writing where the rules are broken or where games are played with structure, as in your case.

I’m backing this and thanks for having backed mine.

Kim Jewell wrote 1029 days ago

Hi Tim!

From what I've read so far, this is really VERY funny! I spent about three years in the deep south with long dusty roads, broken down cars and pride in spicy chili... Traumatic time in my life! (Just kidding, but it WAS colorful, to say the least...) Anyway, this hit a nostagic button for me, then made me hungry!

One nit - I did get a little lost reading through the dialogue with no quotation marks. I ended up having to back up some to change my mind's POV once I realized there was a change back and forth from quotes to story. It may just be your style to not use quotes, and if it is, then disregard.

Overall, though, I found this a very enjoyable read. I haven't gotten through all of it yet, but because of its quality and humor, I know I will - and shortly. Shelved! Best of luck to you!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Dadoo wrote 792 days ago

Hi Tim;

Here are my promised comments, not that I can type without coughing...

Moonbeam Highway is still on my shelf four days after I first backed it. Yes it's that good.

First, you know how to tell a yarn. In fact, you know how to tell many yarns. You know how to tie those seemingly unrelated yarns into a tight complete story. Anyone who only reads chapter one will totally miss the point. If they keep reading, they will be engrossed in the ultimate road trip.

Second, and most important in my way of thinking, you have something important to say. It's a theme that has repeated itself many times over the past few years both in my country and yours, and I suspect, around the globe.

Any one who feels that their life's course has been long decided by fat pople in pinstripes and bad haircuts, will be affected by your book.

The dark undercurrents are skillfully balanced with bright spots of well placed humor.

I believe that is the main reason your book will do well. Yes it is "American", but in reading it, people will recognize the currents that sweep their own lives along no matter where they live.

well done.

Bob
The one true bank

jenni20 wrote 59 days ago

Hello Dear,

My name is Jennifer I saw your profile at www.authonomy.com, and decide to contact you for long term relationship hoping that you will accept my request,if you accept my request ,please reply to my email address (jennifer4lovekhalifa@yahoo.com) so that i will send you my photos and more about me,i believe we can make good friends,let distance not be a barrier but lets love connect,because love is a bridge connect far distance to be close Yours Lovely
(jennifer4lovekhalifa@yahoo.com )
Jennifer

jenni20 wrote 59 days ago

Hello Dear,

My name is Jennifer I saw your profile at www.authonomy.com, and decide to contact you for long term relationship hoping that you will accept my request,if you accept my request ,please reply to my email address (jennifer4lovekhalifa@yahoo.com) so that i will send you my photos and more about me,i believe we can make good friends,let distance not be a barrier but lets love connect,because love is a bridge connect far distance to be close Yours Lovely
(jennifer4lovekhalifa@yahoo.com )
Jennifer

Catherine Edmunds wrote 234 days ago

Hi Tim. Regarding your comments in a message to me on the rhythm of Kubla Khan (I'm having to reply here as you have your messages set to 'friends' only) I think the fact that Coleridge is writing in iambs, and that English language is broadly iambic (which is precisely the reason English speaking poets favour iambs) means that virtually any text in English is bound to have iambic passages within it. I write poetry every day and have done so for years, often getting paid for my efforts, so this isn't just off the top of my head. I think and breathe poetry. Your writing flows well, but I wouldn't, personally have said it was any more like Coleridge then any other prose with a reasonable degree of eloquence. However, if your sister can hear shades of Kubla Khan in your writing, then she can hear them, and if I can't, I can't. It's my loss.

Catherine Edmunds wrote 234 days ago

Don't understand a word of your short pitch. I'm clearly not your target audience. That of course is a hook in itself for me as on a site like this I'm able to dip into books that I normally wouldn't pick up, and may as a result discover something grippingly outside my normal experience.

Long pitch. This is more comprehensible, though I would change 'After Eddie meets Cheyenne...' to 'When Eddie meets Cheyenne...' as 'After' sits uncomfortably with the clause 'trouble follows wherever they go'. Come to think of it, I'd drop 'wherever they go'. It's superfluous.

Typo in next sentence of pitch: 'stands a excellent chance' should be 'stands an excellent chance'.

Last paragraph shouldn't be there. I would hope your prose was carefully cadenced. If you need to tell me it is, it makes me suspect it isn't. I would hope you don't engage in navel-gazing. If you have to make this point, I suspect you're worried you might have navel-gazed. And I would most certainly hope that the tale is well told. As for referencing Kubla Khan, all I can say is you've got a nerve. Are you really that good? I mean, really? Okay, I'm hooked by this claim so I will read on, but I can't help feeling you've set yourself up for a fall.

Chapter one: 'picaresque' is strictly speaking an adjective, not a noun. The noun from picaresque is picaroon, though you couldn't use that as it has a different meaning to the one you want, referring to a rogue rather than a style of novel-writing, which is what I'm assuming you mean. Small point, but it had me hunting down the dictionary to double-check. No reason why you shouldn't use it as a noun, of course.

The italicised section is witty and nicely penned.

I'm trying to work out when this is set. The CB chat is very eighties. Phrases like 'beatnik jive' a couple of decades earlier. I'd assumed it was contemporary, but it doesn't feel it. Would be nice to have some clear pointers near the start. It's possible that they're there, and I'm missing them of course. Reading on, with the reference to AIDS, we're clearly later than I thought. Maybe contemporary after all.

I'm beginning to think the Kubla Khan reference in your pitch was a deliberate blind alley. Don't think Coleridge was wont to use phrases like 'being hauled around in a marathoner's jockstrap', but maybe that was in the bit he never wrote, thanks to the gentleman from Porlock.

Okay, enough from me. Someone complained I tend to sound like a school teacher in my crits. I'm not, but I can see I'm veering that way again. I'll leave this novel to those who are more obviously your target audience. You've got some great writing here, but the last paragraph of your pitch really isn't doing you any favours in my view. This is easy-reading and fluid writing rather than 'carefully cadenced'. It's laid back and relaxed. It's fun. The dialogue sounds authentic. I think you need to re-think what the strengths really are and highlight those in your pitch.

Lovethsiako wrote 240 days ago

Hello dear friend
my name is Mis Loveth I saw your profile in
authonomy.com i just having some feeling on
you that is why i want you contact me
with this my email address
( siako.loveth@yahoo.com ) so that i
will give you my pictures for you to
know who i am

RichardBard wrote 274 days ago

Hi Tim!

The site wouldn't let me send you a message, so I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

PCreturned wrote 381 days ago

Ah I remember beading/backing this during your race to the desk. :)

Beautiful writing. Great descriptons. Deft dialogue, Looking again, I especially like Cheyenne's parallel story. I think it adds real richness and depth. Great story. I hope you've managed to find an agent/publisher. I'd love to see this published. :)

Shock news: my book, A Memory of Blood, just reached no. 2 in the rankings! Scary. :) Is there any chance you’d be willing to back me just this month? May will be the last month I'm racing. Win or lose, I'll stop racing in June.

Yours hopefully,

Pete

ps I'm hoping keeping me on your shelf should be good for your tsr too. I'm driving v hard for the desk, so I will be going up. ;)

Charles Thompson wrote 423 days ago

Looks like you made the ABNA quarterfinals. Congratulations. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

CarolinaAl wrote 517 days ago

I read your first four chapters.

General comments: An excellent beginning to what appears to be a well-woven, brilliantly detailed tale. Clearly sketched main characters. Rich descriptions. Lively dialogue. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'If Eddie had know where he was going, he never would have left where he was at' is foretelling. Foretelling takes some of the energy and tension out of your story. Readers like to experience events as they occur. They like twists and surprises. Consider not foretelling.
2) ' ... spending the fortune his forebears earned making useful things things for people.' You used 'things' twice in this sentence.
3) ' ... like being hauled around in a marathoner's jockstrap.' Good similie. Clever. Vivid.

Specific comments on chapter two:
1) 'You make a note of the ash-blond hair ...' Blonde = female. Blond = male.
2) "No, nothing like that, you say." Did you mean to include 'you say' in the dialogue?

Specific comments on chapter three:
None

Specific comments on chapter four:
1) "Telephone, call Dad." Josie says once more. Comma after 'Dad.'
2) 'Josie turns to you and says.' Comma after 'says.'
3) "And the people that work there?" 'That' should be 'who.'

I hope this critiques helps you to polish these all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible read by Harper Collins at the end of this month. Would you consider reading the third chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a wonderful day.

Happy holidays.

Al

ccb1 wrote 577 days ago

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Bonzo147 wrote 604 days ago

Absurd enough for my liking, a true road movie in print and hilarious with it. Backed with pleasure.

Angus Shoor Caan

Green H wrote 623 days ago

loving the read, ... hooked and ready to read some more...
backed with pleasure
green h - through green's eyes

bonalibro wrote 624 days ago

Thank you. It is fairly clear from your comments what still needs doing with the book. I did make a deliberate choice to have Eddie live in the present, and look towards the future. It seemed to be natural survival strategy. I know it worked well for me when I was in a similar fix. As far as the stories go, they are advertisements for himself, and what sells better than sex? To a cultured Plutocrat like Eddie, that is what his teamster audience would enjoy. But they also belie his impotency, which becomes much clearer in the chapter headed Some Purely Gratuitous Sex and finally, in the barn with Cheyenne. Basically, I envisioned the stories as a progressive deconstruction of the lies he has been telling himself all his life, since he first lost his mojo by leaving the only woman he loved. In the end he accesses the memory he has spent his life denying and the insight gives him his mojo back.

alva wrote 625 days ago

The first few paragraphs of this page really hooked me.
Just checking- would Anne use "pensive"? In my mind as I read, I saw her Ivy league hiding in ratty jeans. That what you mean?

alva wrote 625 days ago

First sentence, did you write "where he was at" for the sound of it? Might have worked better for me, unaware that you do know your grammar, per rest of page, if the whole thought had had a twang:
"If Eddie'd known where he was goin', he'd never left where he was at."

"not living up to his expectations, (since) he was on his own...." or are you going, again, for a Gomer Pile sound in the narrative?

Actually like the story. I've had my share of friends with "handles". "Gopher Anus" is new to me, though.

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 642 days ago

Hi there
I've been looking for HP's comments on your book but can't locate them anywhere...how's it doing?
Cheers
Stewart

bonalibro wrote 652 days ago

Came across your book after reading you on a forum thread, was enjoying the read and only then noticed the star. Not surprised. Hope you have reconnected with the family.



Thank you for reading and commenting. It's always good to hear that someone enjoyed it.

Excuse me if I don't sound more excited, but I was informed of it by email this morning, my first message from authonomy in six months time, and thought it might be my long overdue review. Alas. But nice to hear.

Cariad wrote 652 days ago

Came across your book after reading you on a forum thread, was enjoying the read and only then noticed the star. Not surprised. Hope you have reconnected with the family.

Tom Bye wrote 717 days ago

congratulations
tom bye 'from hugs to kisses'

sharon cooper wrote 717 days ago

Congratulations and best of luck!
Sharon Cooper
Seka

roger239 wrote 717 days ago

congrats on winning a review. They're lucky to get the opertunity.

philip john wrote 718 days ago

Well done, Tim. We might not agree on everything but your success is well deserved.

Philip John

Jess W@gn3r wrote 718 days ago

Dear Tim,

I can't remember whether or not I already left you a comment, but I will do so now just in case. I definitely enjoy your style of writing, and the story itself is one readers will definitely delight in. I have backed your book, and hope you will return my read by checking out Redemption.

~Jess
Redemption

Robert Anderson wrote 718 days ago

How do Tim,

thanks for backing 'When...?' Always pleased to meet Americans who get 'British Humour.'

Had a look at your baby - 'total rubbish' - just messin' - British humour.

Love 'slow dogs and fast women.'.

BACKED!

Good luck on that Ed's desk.

Thanks again,

Rob
(When...?)

mr.shelley wrote 718 days ago

Well, this is distinctly off-centre, but I loved the opening for its unashamed (albeit eccentric) American-ness and the way the reader gets an immediate sense of heading somewhere interesting. Classic allegorical road-story then, executed with uncommon erudition and writerly skill. I hope you get the review you deserve.

Dreamer10 wrote 719 days ago

Have to say there are some things I can relate to here....the Florida heat and the flat landscape with nothing of interest to look at as you drive down good old I-10. Truck driver lingo is unfamiliar to me but I got the feeling you definitely know exactly how to use it and it made for some engaging conversation. Got a snicker out of his handle, "Gopher Anus"....too funny. I will be reading more!

Allen Cooke wrote 720 days ago

Its exactly where it should be in the top 5, best of luck.

J.S.Watts wrote 721 days ago

Like it

Gauis wrote 721 days ago

Bizarre - and really well done - backed

wespollet wrote 722 days ago

Hi Tim, I havn't tried the Chili recipe yet but I back the book. Harold Alvin (ICON)Wesley

shawnapiranha wrote 722 days ago

Tim,

Your book felt so... Human to me. Which is so strange, because though Eddie's life is so unlike my own, i felt i could relate uncannily to him.

I hope you make the ed desk. (3 days to go!)

Backed with pride,

Shawna Logue
It's a Kind of Magic

karien wrote 725 days ago

Love chapter one. Gopher Anus!
Will come back for more.
Karien (A Bird in a Pram)

Stec wrote 726 days ago

Wow

By this I mean it is a stunning piece of work--the best thing I have read on here and I'm not surprised it has done so well.
Eddie will become a legend--to be sure--if Harper and Collins don't pick this up--it's only because it has been?

It has, hasn't it?

If it hasn't --we're all doomed.

Best Steve

RonParker wrote 727 days ago

Hi Tim,

A great story and I'm not surprised it's found it's way to near the top of the rankings.

The concept of the characters coming to life and arguing with the author has been done before - as I'm sure you know - but it's rare enough for it to at least seem unique.

I've only had time to read the read the first two chapters, but found no errors in that section, so all I can say is - congratulations.

Ron

Poppa4x wrote 727 days ago

I backed your book, knowing you are going somewhere. I am very humble reading my own work. I wish you the best. Your book is an example of what I see this site is all about.

Madelaine Baumn wrote 727 days ago

Chapter one: This was different. A unique perspective. Almost fun to read, with the Author Buddy--I laughed a few times when they argued. It was enjoyable. You have a solid groundwork laid for an engaging, amusing read. The voice of both Author Buddy and Eddie are distinctive and the text is informative without being a drag--there's humanity in it, a distinctive flair--voice, rather--that gives it life.

You switch perspective-- jumping from third, second and first person with ease. It is rare that a writer can do that. The tidbit with Yorrick's skull really stood out for me, for some reason...can't put a finger on it.

Overall this first chapter is awesome and I'd be happy to make room on my shelf for Moonbeam Highway.

Best of luck with the ED!

- M

Sandy Samson wrote 727 days ago

Hi Tim. I am not really qualified to review your Moonbean Highways because it has a strong literary feel to it, and I am strictly a genre reader and writer. However, I will give you a few quick thoughts. Please take them at their value, which may be zero! I'm on shaky reviewer ground here.


First, my poor brain could not wrap itself around your opening section. It was far too ethereal for me to comprehend. The writing was beautiful, but I kept losing the thread, so I ended up skimming it. It was your next section that really grabbed me:

>> If Eddie had known where he was going, he never would have left where he was at. <<

I love this line. It got my attention.


>> Half slumped down in the driver’s seat, he was leaning a little to the right, elbow deep in the armrest, left hand draped on the wheel, left foot planted on the edge of the seat where he kept it for highway driving. <<

This does an excellent job of painting me a picture of him. If I were reviewing genre fiction, I would lodge the minor complaint that this smacks of the voice of an omniscient author. But given your style, I'll avoid such a criticism. You clearly know what you are doing, and I will not dare to intrude.


>> He'd kept them up with polish and spit but, along with everything else about Eddie, from the sun-dried skin to the grey-brown hair, they were starting to show some age. <<

Nice. You have a lot of skill with words.


>> slow dogs and fast women <<

Wow, I'm jealous!


>> He gave Eddie an education. <<

Would this be better in past perfect: HAD GIVEN


>> What was I doing buying calls when everyone else was shorting? <<

I know what this means because I have worked in the financial industry, but I suspect that most people will not.


SUMMARY:

Usually when I do a review, it's long and detailed. But I found myself unable to criticize you. Between the fact that this is more literary than my usual reading, and the fact that you are an excellent writer, I have almost nothing useful to say to you.

My one suggestion, given with great timidity, is that you remove the disjointed (to me, anyway) beginning and begin with the first line that I quoted in this review. This is the point at which the rubber hits the road. Everything before that felt like rambling to me. I didn't get it. But once we settled into the Caddy's seat with your MC, the story hooked me. Well done!

Sandy Samson

delhui wrote 727 days ago

Dear Tim --

We cannot top the praise given you by the multitude of commenters who got here before us, but we can heap our accolades upon theirs. Moonbeam Highway is, quite simply, brilliant. Eddie is a mix of humanity at its most arrogant, but with that undercurrent of self-doubt that forces him to justify his existence through Author Buddy. He is the rise of the bloggers, the tweeters, the facebookers who just have to post about the sandwich they just ate... Can't say that he's likable, but in his fictional way, he's quite real. You made us think of Tom Robbins and Hunter Thompson and Norman Mailer (perhaps altered on a chemical substance)...

Backed, of course. Of course. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Redhead Writer Girl wrote 728 days ago

Cool concept, but the execution.. I'm a little uncertain of this. A CB radio? Very dated. Who is the audience for this book? What do they look like? What type of job do they have? Where do they live? (Middle America?)

In the longer passages you need a better mix of simple and complex sentences. Overall, there's WAY too much alliteration. It becomes distracting and makes reading difficult at times. You've got a great talent for writing, there's no doubt about that.

Ann Mynard wrote 730 days ago

Thank you, Calvin for looking at Windshadow and giving it your backing. Best of luck with yours.
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Joe Average wrote 730 days ago

And what right would i need to earn to defend myself against a confused, insecure, and tired person such as yourself i wonder?
You're not confused you say? I would like you to quote one time for me the one time i said i was better than anyone else? I can quote however, the times that I've said i was no better than bug. You look old enough why not act your age?
You are tired and sad my friend. Your insecurities brought you to that forum and you're a joke if you say they did not. I can tell that you're a smart man so listen very carefully to these next words:
You have been bagged and tagged by someone a little quicker than yourself.
I wanted to draw out the ass's of insecurity and the talent of strength with in. Passion. I found what i wanted. What have you have found out about you're self? That you're easily duped? That you are actually insecure? Or that you feel you have earned the right to bully anyone? Which is it. I leave you're comment up as it only draws the positive out of the negative for me once again. Maybe you should try the concept sometime. Look for hidden good before assuming bad..
Good luck to you..
Eric Shira

Eileen Kardos wrote 730 days ago

Hi Tim,

There is very smart wit here, all along the way. It’s great to actually feel humane sympathy for The Mighty That Hath Fallen, this poor dodo of a main character, bless him. I think you're a Writer’s Writer, and it’s a story for storytellers. Every sentence has attitude - this is wonderful.

I wish the basic set-up had been explained up front! I confess (sorry!) I might not persist, if I were thumbing through this book, in a bookshop. Please tell me what’s going on? You would have truly hooked me, if so, becasue i like the guy, and i like the general wise-ass atmosphere.

because there’s a wonderful funny voice here, I will take my hat off to this story, and back this book.

best wishes from a fellow wise-ass
Eileen Kardos (The Noodle Trail)

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 731 days ago

Bear with me and I will add more comment (constructive of course) further down the line...
Stay Well
Stewart
Backed!

speaksthetruth wrote 731 days ago

Crazy enough to work

johnburns wrote 731 days ago

A wonderful picaresque novel, bursting at the seams with manic humour and character. Reading it really feels like a crazed journey along America's loopier byways. There is such a marvellous contrast between Eddie's tall tales and the sour-mouthed reality of things. There is a clear Gonzo element to the narrative and I can't wait to see what further lunacies lie in wait way down the road. Backed.

Roland Callan wrote 731 days ago

This is certainly different, and will either delight or irritate readers. My impression is you're making your readers work to understand what is going on, and we are supposed to grab their attention with action from line 1. You may well prove that wrong though. Backed.

Huseyin Angay wrote 731 days ago

Brave approach, bringing the author's voice in. I'm not sure it works for me, though, in this case. This format really works wonders in a voice-over narrative in movie format. Here, it sounded a little too self-conscious and somehow distracting.
I can see the need to balance Eddie's own self-image with a more cynical look at him from the outside, but you could say that the truckers are already doing this for him.
For me, the story didn't start until his first conversation with the trucker in chapter 1.

The dialogue is very funny and the conflict between Eddie's internal and external self-images is clear enough without having to prop it up with the author's voice.

I like the story. It's going places.

The novel dialogue format works most of the time, but it does trip up occasionally.
For instance:
~ I'm Anne, you say, like a practiced liar.
It takes just that bit longer to put the speech marks around 'I'm Anne' in your mind, which makes the narrative falter momentarily.
But the format's widespread enough in other languages and it works there. So, it's probably just a matter for the reader to get used to.

I'm intrigued. I'll have to read on to see if the whole author-protagonist interchange starts to work eventually.

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 731 days ago

Well written for what it is although how to define it might be rather more challenging! Apart from truckers and hitch-hikers, I'm not sure who this would appeal to...good luck anyway!

Bill Scott wrote 732 days ago

Tim

I’m not an editor or grammarian. What I can tell people on Authonomy is what works for me as a reader. This works. The language rings true. The line “ Florida heat...marathoners jockstrap” captured Florida humid heat perfectly and I immediately wanted to shower. The one line that didn’t ring as true to me was “fast cars and slow dogs” It is not bad just seems to have been done before. Maybe it stands out because everything else is so original. Just a thought.

Best of Luck
Keep Writing
WSS
HAKTAW HEART

zan wrote 732 days ago

Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes
Tim Chambers

Tim,
I believe I read, commented and backed this sometime last year. I've placed it on my shelf again and am happy to see it at No. 2 at the moment. Inventive idea for a novel and wishing you a great review from HC.
Zan