Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous

I would be shocked and staggered if publishers didn't fall over themselves for this. I think you know your target market and you deliver the goods with absolute precision. Now, I'm all stuffy and English and too old for this sort of thing - although I could happily fantasise about Nyx for weeks! - but I can appreciate writing that is pitched perfectly, and this, surely, is it.

Come on, HC! Take a look at this one!

Good luck with it -

Simon

As much as I hate shallow, vapid, good-looking people whose thoughts consist of where the next good party is, who beat up who, who fucked who, where can I score some good pot, etc...I also find their pointless dimsal lives fascinating, though I usually prefer books that satirize their existences instead of glorifying them; though I'm hoping there will be a little of that later on in the novel.

Your writing is perfect. That's all I have to say about that. It's so captiviating. I usually skim through stuff, look for the good material, but I saw it all the way through this gem.

I don't think this would work as YA though. Maybe the rules have changed, but I'm pretty sure there can't be a lot of F words in YA...which is ridiculous, since teenagers cuss all the fucking time.

Excellent. This is an author who understands marketing and the market her work will appeal to. Celebrity culture books keep on selling and while a lot of people may complain about that, as long as we have a celebrity culture that trend looks set to continue. Good luck.

I'm really enjoying this! A perfect book for the current teen/YA market who are all loving all the shows of the rich and famous teens (The OC/Gossip Girl/90210)

I think you have captured that scene perfectly. You have sexy, beautiful and streetwise heroine's - Amber and Nyx, Very cool band guys, particularly AJ and a very interesting setting.

Your writing was smooth and easy to read, i noticed no typos or errors!

I could easily see myself picking this up in a bookstore...on my shelf, best of luck! xox

Just backed this! I love music books, mine is also a music novel, and I cant wait to read yours!

Just backed this! I love music books, mine is also a music novel, and I cant wait to read yours!

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start to what is surely a captivating story. An interesting cast of unique characters. Good descriptions. Not much tension until Mike shows up. Then the tension subsides until the Emily section which is nicely tense. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'The relationship fulfilled any expectation had of high school romance.' A word seems to be missing in this sentence.
2) "Let's get you and drink," Glen grinned down at her. A word seems to be missing from the dialogue. Also, put a period after 'drink.' 'Glen grinned down at her' is narrative (tells who did something), so the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period (unless it's a question).
3) 'She only had eyes for him' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
4) 'The only songs he had written for a girl was for Amanada Schaeffer.' 'Was' should be 'were.'
5) "I'm sorry to hear about Amanda," Period after 'Amanda.' There are more cases of dialogue punctuated with a comma that should be punctuated with a period.
6) ' ... he ran an easy hand through his blonde hair.' Blonde = female. Blond = male.
7) 'Delicate china doll' is cliche. Consider writing something similar, but in a fresh way.
8) 'She had always been the cool girl that would smoke with him ...' 'That' should be 'who.'
9) In the Emily section, you mention MySpace. Hasn't Facebook taken over from MySpace?
10) ' ... dragging his lips away from his skin.' I don't get this.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Passion."

Merry Christmas.

Al

The dress obviously worked.......I adore ur storyyyyy.....keep writing can't till it fibish..Nyx is an amazing character..and I cant wait to see how Tristan turns out as well as AJ..ur story is just full of characters that remind me of friend i know..LOLOL And its sooo cute, plzzz keep writing, Im dying to see what happens next

this has got the right stuff in it to hook teens and I know my daughter would love to read this. Based on the pitch and opening chapter, I am happy to shelve this. ju-ju

Hi That Girl!! I have just finished reading the first chapter of your book. The premise is excellent, contemporary and compelling and takes your reader into a world that very few of us ever get a chance to visit. That is a very good thing. Your MC's character development is coming along nicely. However, I do feel that your book needs some editing in order to be the tight story that a publisher would be anxious to snap up. You have a tendency to overwrite, telling us the why's behind every thing that happens. Always remember that your reader is smart and does not require the tiny details. Also keep in mind that your reader is reading in the first place because they WANT to use their imagination, which is what encourages them to turn the page and move on to the next chapter. Every word in every sentence in every paragraph should propel your story forward. Anything that doesn't do this should be deleted. I also had a tendency to overwrite but after having been giving this same advice, I went through my whole book to trim and edit. I ended up deleting A LOT, including a whole chapter. Yes, it hurt but it made my book better. Also, I would encourage you to drop brand names and references to actual popular songs, bands, etc. as they always sound like name-dropping. Point of View - stick to one point of view throughout, or at the very least, per chapter. I would also caution you regarding your many uses of '-ly' words. In almost every instance (with the exception of dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger, carrying more literary tension, when these troublesome adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you will see what I mean. Try to avoid using and/or repeating cliches (example: 'the epitome of'). Lastly, I don't see anything wrong with including some references to weed and the drug culture as it may be an ongoing theme of your book....however, don't overdo as the many references detract from the rest of your story. Well, that's about it. I hope some of these comments help. Keep at this as it holds the promise of a lean, mean work of contemporary fiction that would appeal to many readers. I promise to re-visit this (just send me a message!) after an edit or two. Good Luck!

A very good fit for your audience, TGYL. Nyx, the slightly self-obsessed attractive teenager with a crush on AJ, the good-bad boy, balanced by the very good Amber and Glen, and the very bad Emily (go upstairs and have sex and take pictures for MySpace - LOL). I can see all sorts of misunderstanding, rivalries and plots intervening in any lasting happiness.

This is well written, the exchange of blows between Mike and AJ was an excellent action sequence and the kiss scene between AJ and Nyx was hot. I can see why an agent requested the full MS, and hope you do well with it - on my shelf :o)

I've just checked the other comments of readers re party/club confusion and some repeated info, so rather than restate those, here are my suggested tweaks to use or ignore...

'confidence and enthusiasm was (were) infectious'. 'any expectation had of high school romance' is there a clearer way to say this? 'Let's get you and (a) drink'. 'Amber and Amanda - these are easily confused - might be better for the reader if you rename Amanda - same with Glen and Greg. 'Did you hear we start might recording' words tangled. 'just thing (think) things'. BTW If someone were out cold for as long as Mike, they'd need a doctor.

Excellent opening chapter, nice balance of dialogue, body language and info- results in a vivid, uncomplicated flow. Essence of book is brilliantly conveyed in opening.
Adam (Lunar and Sol)

Hi There,

I have a few worries, up front. Between the title and the opening paragraphs I spent quite some time thinking this was not a party so much as a club scene. Once I got to the bit about the football-cheerleader thing, I had to go back and see if it mentioned where they were, and only then did I notice the bit about teenagers being draped everywhere. I supposed the lack of self-consciousness threw me off -- even the most beautiful teenagers tend to be awkward and a little insecure, that's just the nature of high school. Also, this may be good or bad, depending on the reader, but I found myself almost instantly disliking Nyx. it may be your intention to create a kind of self-centered character but I find myself really strongly hoping she changes...soon. When you sort of switch over to Amber for a moment, I find myself hoping you'd stay with her. There are some info dumps here and there, and you could probably stand to substitute a few pronouns for people's names here and there, but I think a tight edit to fix these. There's a lot of characters introduced here, and a lot of jumping around, so I'm wondering if there is a way to air this out a little...or maybe focus it a bit. Maybe a first person narration. I'm not sure... but I think this has potential with a bit of editing.

That Girl,
This is lively, modern and thoroughly enjoyable. I'm generally not a fan of opening with dialogue. (I like a few paragraphs of dramatic narrative to set the tone). But it sure works here. Your dialogue, in fact, is among the strongest I've seen on authonomy. Well written narrative, too.
Shelved.
Mark

Comments on Chapter 1...

I'm not the intended audience for this, of course, but it seems likely to be a popular with teenage girls. It's just edgy enough to pass muster with its target audience, I feel, without quite alienating parents and teachers. The dialogue feels authentic, and I think you've captured the slightly exaggerated emotions that teens feel, without it stretching into Twilight excess.

For the sake of some quibbles, scroll down the page and see how many paragraphs begin with either "The" or a pronoun (one of the character's names). I would imagine many of the sentences within the paragraphs are similar. You can't eliminate all of them, of course - nor should you - but see if you can vary a few.

I'll give you a run on my shelf and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

I read all 10 chapters. There's really nothing I can say to add to the comments others have written. Shelved.

This is such a [guilty] pleasure! It's something I would have picked right off the bookshelves (along with Gossip Girl) a few years back, so you're definitely hitting up the right audience.

The pitch was well delivered and drew me in. After reading the story, I do have two points: "... she never counted on a n infamous supermodel ruining her life" sounds ominous, which doesn't match Tristan's effect on Nyx's life at all. 'Shaking things up', perhaps... but 'ruining' is a bit extreme. Also, I find the description of the love affair unnecessary. It doesn't deal with the main point of the book. The affair is only a black and white background to Nyx's introduction into the glamorous world of Tristan and Jeremy. Skip that in the pitch and jump straight ahead to Nyx, because that's what/who we really care about.

Nyx's bundle of enthusiasm, backbone, and vulnerability make her a great mc. I'd prefer if she wasn't so vapid and shallow at times, or if her character could undergo change by the end of the book. However, considering the celebrity culture backing and the target audience, this isn't a big deal.

AJ comes off as a jackass who can't get enough of Nyx's fine, curvaceous body. A little more compassion can do the boy some good. From the sound of your pitch, AJ won't be disappearing anytime soon, so hopefully you'll instill some maturity in him and redeem his character.

Tristan and Nyx have obvious chemistry. The chocolate waffle scene was my favorite by far (simple yet significant.) The romantic in me is crying out for more of these non-physical interactions. By the way, I'm a total sucker for the scenes where Tristan can't help but stare at Nyx.

One more piece of thought: Nyx adjusts way too easily to the new lifestyle. Play up her insecurities here.

A charming and sexy read. Backed!

-Sarah
P.S. I'll be leaving a similar, but probably updated, review on fictionpress (under the same username.)

I can see why you've been asked for the full MS on this one. You don't need me to waste precious editing time by reading praise you already know. I stumbled through the repeated background information Lydia from both AJ and Emily. They both said the exact same things about Nyx's mom. IMHO I think the information is better served coming from Emily. Guys don't usually focus on that stuff because they don't care too much about it. Emily would focus on it because it devalues her competition in her head. Also, you're kinda skating on thin ice about the medical marijuana at the airport. That's federal jurisdiction and they don't cotton too much to that excuse. I believe the medical question is an affirmative defense to prosecution, that is, after the person has already been arrested. Again, just a thought as you're editing. I wish you the best of luck with this and remember all of us authonomizers still out in the cold when you're rich and famous. Shelved!

Well now, being an old lady I didn't think I would like a book about teens as much as I did. You have created a great bunch of believable, very individual characters, and an equally believable world for them to live in. Read all ten chapters - I always read everything posted - and for me the story just flowed.

You belong on my shelf.

Charming! LOL. Hard not to like this. Down to earth and so realistic in today's world. I have no suggestions to improve, for you've captured it, baby. Backed! -- Dave ( Visions )

Still shelved. How do you make this SO sexy?
Nyx is a wonderful creation...Congratulations.
Suggestions.
I would add a little prologue of Nyx an ordinary kid before getting into all this.
Or even a flash forward to when she's sixty two.!
Lors of luck with this..........Mikey (The Free)

I love chick lit. I wish I had money so I could own more of it. I wish this one were published so I could own it, too! But for now I guess the best I can do is place it on my shelf.

you write well. And I am backing this for that reason.
These girls drove me nuts because they are the complete opposite to everything I have ever been or will be. :)
That said, you know your audience, you wrote this so well that girls the world over will fall head over heels in love with Nyx.
Good job.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I remember reading some of this before on FP, and I'm really glad that you've re-posted Nyx's story here. Although I never really read Gossip Girl and other celebrity-based books, I definitely enjoyed reading this. Nyx is the type of girl you love to hate, but really can't hate all that much because of her charm and charisma. The secondary characters are just as strong as the main ones and I find myself hoping that she'll end up with Tristan--who is obviously so much better for her--rather than AJ.

The only thing I found a little hard to believe was how readily she accepted Jeremy and her new family. I understand that it seems within her character to do so, but I think it would have been a little bit more believable if she had seemed nervous at first or a little awkward.

Otherwise, however, I think you've got a great story and good luck =)

~M.Alkmini

Hey That Girl!

For some reason, I have the urge to call you Ann Marie, but given your apparent age I'm sure that reference would be lost on you, so never mind - on to the critique! I made a few notes of some nitpicks as I read - I hope you find them helpful.

~ "Amber felt strong arms...lips press against her forehead... she turned around" Sounded a bit awkward - how could he kiss forehead from that angle?

~ "Come on, babe. Lets get you and drink," - should be "a"

~ "Even when Amanda was a senior, and Nyx was a junior-thus forcing them to hang out in the same group, Nyx had thought she was a bitch." - I didn't understand why seniors and juniors had to hang together. Also, the structure of the sentence seemed a bit off - I would trade the comma between "group" and "Nyx" for a matching dash.

~ "Glen was talking about something, probably practicing tomorrow, but AJ was lost... The show tomorrow..." - I'd drop the first "tomorrow"

By the end of the first chapter, I could tell you've nailed the voice for your target audience. A bit of tweaking and editing, and I think this could go far.

Shelved, but with an end-of-the-month explanation - I have my top five books back on my shelf, and I plan to keep them there in their honorary positions until the official end of the month. So what I'm doing is shelving your book for a moment or two (enough so it registers with the site), then taking it off temporarily - once the month ends, I'll put it back up to show my support.

~Traci

Hi, That Girl - as others have noted: perfectly written for its target market. Should do very well. Shelved.

Here to return the read. I have to admit this is far outside the environment I enjoy reading, and my review is possibly coloured by that. I'll stick to technicalities.
Your pitch could use some work. I don't understand if the MC is the love child of the personal trainer and the tycoon, and if so, what that has to do with the plot as described here. I'm not really seeing a central conflict in the pitch.
In the first chapter, I got a bit confused about Amanda/Amber. Neither of them stand out clearly as characters. I don't know who Amber is and why she's so important that she gets the POV in the first scene.
Check how often characters use each other's names in lines of dialogue. I don't know that people call each other by name in dialogue this often.
There are quite a few sentences with 'as' constructions. It becomes a bit repetitive.
I think I'd prefer to 'see' what the characters are like, rather than be told about them.
I'm afraid I really dislike all characters. I don't know what Nyx's drive and passion is other than to hook up with a pot-smoking teenage rock star who is obsessed with tits. Give them some redeeming qualities that make the reader like these kids. Talk a bit more about their mutual passion for music, or something like that.

You have written well for your target market and I wish I had time to read more which is my benchmark for shelving!

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

I really love Nyx and Tristan together - I really warmed to her in the last few chapters when she's all bouncy and excitable. The secondary characters are interesting and Scully has some funny lines and thoughts. I read that having characters with names that begin with the same letter can be confusing for readers - you might want to think about Amanda and Amber, Glen and Greg...

I did write down some typos throughout the last chapters - do you want me to send them to you?

I am very curious as to what happens to the girls next - the back story with Amber and Glen is interesting too...

The only problem that I have with this story, is the way Nyx readily accepts her new lifestyle and family in New York. I will think that it will be more realistic if she hesitates a bit and shows her weakness, and her fear in this new thing. Maybe it's just the way Nyx is, but when I was reading that part, I just couldn't accept it. Other than that great story!

What an explosive first chapter. This is full of promise of an interesting and riveting story. Nyx is a wonderful character and you have brought her to life with ease. I look forward to seeing this climb up the charts. Well done.

I would be shocked and staggered if publishers didn't fall over themselves for this. I think you know your target market and you deliver the goods with absolute precision. Now, I'm all stuffy and English and too old for this sort of thing - although I could happily fantasise about Nyx for weeks! - but I can appreciate writing that is pitched perfectly, and this, surely, is it.

Come on, HC! Take a look at this one!

Good luck with it -

Simon

Great appeal in this genre, and you know how to capture the reader. Love the pace and dialogue. Only one suggestion, a slightly shorter first chapter? Otherwise, Shelved of course.

This has urban, city light anf life feel to it, from the first chapter to chapter ten. Fast and glamourous characters. Ah.. when do they rest? Your writing is clear and simple, which suites the subject matter - dancing your way to love and fast life. Good Luck.

Keiko
(A Thousand Words)

This is perfect for your demographic...it has an almost teenaged Jackie Collins vibe, with a harder edge. Great dialogue and pace. Love it.
Shelved.
Rachael

Loved your book cover, drew me in....Love the name Nyx, very original... Some repetitive description. ie.
'interlocking their fingers together' (you dont need to say together that's what interlocking means) Also you use the word 'that' sometimes when you dont need it....I only noticed because someone pointed it out to me...

.Apparantly a big publishers 'no no' is opening with dialogue....Its like walking into a room, the television is on, the picture is knackered and you have to try to work out for yourself , where they are, what they look like, what's on,,,,,,bla bla bla......It is actually a very valid point....I changed mine and noticed the difference straight away.....
Fast and racy for sure, best of luck......

I read a lot of chick-lit. It is the air i breathe. And i must say, this is some of the best chick lit i've read!
vivid description and wonderful wordchoice.
SHELVED.
Bridget Bergman

Hi That Girl You Love, ;)

Wow! I have to admit, I've never been one for Gossip Girl (I tried reading the first book, but just couldn't take it) but this is SO awesome!

Your writing is awesome and will most definitely appeal to the Cecily von Zsiegar's audiences and give Gossip Girl a run for her money! I'm sure this will go very far, and I can't wait to read more - not to mention buy it from my local bookstore! ;) I can definitely see this as a hit TV series on the CW, too!

I have a couple of diminutive comments (just teeny typos you may have missed):
He nodded, smirked, and bringing his... (smrked should be smirked)
“Did you hear we might actually be recording an album in a month?” (the 'a' is missing)
“Yeah. I guess.” …. “I just think things can be solve without all the violence, that’s all.” She shrugged cutely. (thing things --> think things)
Glen grinned over at Greg… dying for a hit of the dying blunt (you may not want to mention dying twice in the same sentence, even though it has a different meaning, I've heard that this is generally looked down on. Maybe try switching the first one to 'itching' or the second to 'flickering' or something. I can't exactly envision this part, lol, but you know what I mean)

Best of luck with this! Shelved with pleasure and can't wait to see you on the Editors' Desk! :)

Love,
Sara

Hi! I read your book I think 2 years ago on fictionpress, the first draft of it I think. But then it was deleted or something, and I also read the second draft of. I'm gonna read this one too, and hopefully its new and improved and better. =)

Hello, That Girl!

This is definitely a fun piece of chick-lit! Loving it...

I can't start my note without asking about the cover. I'm a marketing nut, so end up getting sucked into interesting cover art, and yours definitely falls into that category. Is there an interesting story behind this photo? Perhaps you are in it somewhere? Well, it's definitely an eye-catcher!

Nothing to nit with your writing. The dialogue is spot on, I love the names you have chosen, and girls of all ages will absolutely read this story over and over! Shelved with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. You know what you are doing as your writing ability is evident here; even your pitch is spot on. My only criticism is that I felt the first chapter should end at: "high school royalty walking out". Keep that first chapter short, pull that reader in. I know there will be comparisons to Gossip Girl but they rip of SATC anyway so forget it about it. This reminds me of Less Than Zero. Think you'll go someplace with this book. You have talent.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments, possible backing, of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

As much as I hate shallow, vapid, good-looking people whose thoughts consist of where the next good party is, who beat up who, who fucked who, where can I score some good pot, etc...I also find their pointless dimsal lives fascinating, though I usually prefer books that satirize their existences instead of glorifying them; though I'm hoping there will be a little of that later on in the novel.

Your writing is perfect. That's all I have to say about that. It's so captiviating. I usually skim through stuff, look for the good material, but I saw it all the way through this gem.

I don't think this would work as YA though. Maybe the rules have changed, but I'm pretty sure there can't be a lot of F words in YA...which is ridiculous, since teenagers cuss all the fucking time.

Very enjoyable, full of life and I enjoyed the changes of POV.

You do dialogue brilliantly and have a natural feel for your characters, so many to enjoy and all of them close enough to people we've known to hook us in. Loved it.

I think there was a minor technical error where you wrote ' heard Douche inbetween the words' when I think you meant inbetween the coughs.

My only problem was the names Amber and Amanda being so similar (at least to me), which meant I had a little trouble keeping track of who was who.

Shelved - a certain winner on here

John

Judging by dialogue mainly, I think this story really apeals to american YA, more than maybe British ones. But still, I liked it and for that it is going to spend some time on my shelf!

xoxo

This is so good - my favourite book on this site. I wish it was published, I'd buy it today! Sort of reminds me of Guitar Girl...! Will definately be reading more, Shona

I liked it. Need I say more? :)

I'm pretty far-removed from your target audience but I found this immensely readable. I especially enjoyed the dialogue - I could almost hear them talking it was that good!
One of the main characters in my book Dying to Learn could really do with having a read of this. She'd love it! So I'm shelving it for Alice. Hope you go and meet her some time.
Simon

That girl I love ;)

OMG, Ayrich's comment is so spot on :) I don't even read this kind of thing, and I love it! This will go down A STORM with the target audience, it's aimed so well. You also have one of the best titles I've come across in ages - on authonomy and in bookstores. It has bestseller written all over it. This is so modern and the romance aspect is quite addictive and delicious! I love Nyx as a character, you've done a cracking job here - welcome to my shelf!

I know this will do well, so no point in wishing you luck... ;)

Melanie x

Alright, I've finished reading chapter one. You write well. Very well, in fact. But I did come across a typo but that's not an issue. I am not a creditable reader of this Celebrity culture book of yours because I haven't read enough YA chick-lits like "Gossip Girls" or watched shows with famous teens. So this isn't my field. Though your story is very interesting, I had difficulty liking Nyx. She seems so--shallow. In the few contemporary chick-lits I've read (like the ones by Susan Elizabeth Phillips) even though the heroine was a glamour girl, the author always made sure to add some depth. Maybe you'll do this in later chapters. Or maybe this is what's to be expected in celebrity culture books. So like I said, you can ignore this comment. But because you write very well, I'll shelve this.

June

I haven't read enough yet, but here's something I picked up:

“Hey, baby.” Amber felt strong arms slide around her waist and lips pressed against her forehead. She turned around to smile at Glen

So, since Amber turned around to smile at Glen, would this not mean her back was to him when he came up to hold her? If so, how could he press his lips against her forehead, if her back is to him?

I'll be back for more. It's that good.

Teens evrywhere. Nuff said.

I stumbled across this here and I was super excited. I read the first version when you posted it on Fp, the one where Nyx had a different name, and it was on my favourites. This version is decidedly different and the characters seem much more mature and somehow more relateable. You get straight to the real problem of the story and I absolutely love Tristan. I hope you will continue to upload more here.

I knew I had to read this when I couldn't stop singing "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (still singing it now!!)

God I wish there were books like this when I was ahem younger!! (Although not to old that I still can't enjoy them!)

Your characters are easy to pictures - I like Amber and Glen... I also like how Nicole is "Nyx" - it reminds me of when I was in school and my friends and I would try and spell out names differently (I never had much luck with Bev!!)

The story just pulls you - there's a cool band, the girls are the type you'd want to be yourself and sexy guys ;o)

Giving this a spin on my shelf! ;o)

Love Bev x

Just read this story, and loved it! As much as I adore Nyx and AJ, I must say I prefer Tristan and Nyx more so :D Also im intrigued to see what happens with Amber and Glen :D It was a smooth read, no plot holes currently, and well written! Can't wait to see what develops.

M.