Book Jacket

 

rank 2258
word count 47527
date submitted 24.07.2009
date updated 23.12.2010
genres: Fiction, Chick Lit, Romance, Young ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous

That Girl You Love

Nyx had finally landed both her brooding bassist boyfriend and their band's record deal, but she never counted on an infamous supermodel ruining her life.

 

A scheming personal trainer sleeps with a newly widowed tycoon. When a surprise pregnancy threatens scandal, the mother demands millions to keep quiet and disappears.


Eighteen years later, Nyx Carrington, notorious for her red lipstick, push up bras, and over-the-top personality, has just snagged the man of her dreams, the brooding bassist AJ Abbott. When her guest appearance with his band results in an offer from a major label, Nyx and her friends are whisked away to Manhattan to meet with executives.


Fate intervenes, and Nyx is reintroduced to her estranged, half-brother. Her brother happens to be best friends with Manhattan's biggest playboy male model, Tristan Halifax. Nyx and Tristan might experience love (or lust) at first sight, but rockstar boyfriends are hard to forget--especially when they keep writing chart topping love songs.


Seemingly overnight, Nyx Carrington is the newest tabloid darling--scandalizing runway shows, frolicking with Manhattan's Golden Boys, and being hounded by photographers. But, what happens when a girl's wildest dreams come true? Maybe infamy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 
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celebrity, glitz, modeling, new york city, rock band, romance, young adult

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Chapter One

Nyx, let’s go.”

“Dude. I’m almost done.” Nyx applied another coat of MAC’s Russian Red lipstick before leaning back to smirk in satisfaction.  “I have to look fierce.”

Amber opened the car door, adjusting her deep plunging black halter-top as she stood. “Any more fierce, and I think you’ll give people heart attacks.  That dress is kind of short, honey.”

Nyx wrinkled her nose, tugging on the hemline that skimmed the top of her thighs. “You always said it was cute.”

“Yeah. It’s cute when I wear it. I’m seven inches shorter than you, Nyx.  I love you, but you can’t keep borrowing my clothes.”  Nyx crossed her arms under her chest, muttering.  Amber recognized the look. It would be easier to backpedal now before things got dramatic. “Okay, okay. Fine. It’s not skanky. You’re amazingly hot. AJ won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.  I mean, I’m assuming that is why you wore it, right?”

Nyx’s red lips curved into a knowing smile. “He broke up with Amanda! God, finally.”

“Yeah, finally he’s seen the light of Nyx.” Amber was half-kidding, but Nyx nodded seriously as they walked to the front door.

“I know. Right?” She paused, her hand hovering over the doorknob. “God, we’re so hot.” She beamed at Amber, who couldn’t help but smile back. Nyx’s confidence and enthusiasm was infectious. “Okay, let’s go.”

The pulsing bass line that had been pounding distantly hit them with full force as the door opened. The entrance way was two stories tall, with a sweeping staircase and a balcony. Teenagers draped over the railing and lounged on the stairs. Most clutched red cups in their hands. As if tugged by invisible strings, every head in the room turned towards Nyx and Amber.

Nyx’s eyes flashed, and her smile grew euphoric as she beamed around the room. “We’re here, bitches!  Who has my drink?!” She bounded forward and threw her arms around the nearest person and pressed her red lips to his cheek. “You had it!” She plucked the cup out of his hand and downed it neatly.  The sophomore didn’t care; he blushed so hard his skin was the same color as the lip print on his cheek.

Amber smiled her silent thanks as someone pressed a cup into her hand. Nyx was flitting around the entryway, bestowing hugs, kissing cheeks, and stealing gulps of drinks. Usually the drunker Nyx got, the more bright red lip prints could be found on random partygoers. Sometimes, if Amber drank too much, she’d be coerced into wearing the red lipstick and giving kisses too.

“Hey, baby.” Amber felt strong arms slide around her waist and lips press against her forehead. She turned around to smile at Glen.  His cheeks were flushed from the alcohol. 

“Having a good time?” She stood on her tiptoes to brush a quick kiss across his smiling lips.

What took you so long?  Nyx?  Glen’s blue eyes crinkled at her as they shared a conspiratorial grin.  Nyx was infamous for her procrastination. 

Always.”  The affection in his smile made her stomach flip-flop happily. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore and pulled her boyfriend down for a long kiss.

People around them began to hoot and cheer. They broke apart, cheeks red and flushed from the attention. People liked to see them together—the quarterback and the head cheerleader.  The relationship fulfilled any expectation had of high school romance.

“Come on, babe.  Let’s get you and drink,” Glen grinned down at her, and interlocking their fingers together, the epitome of high school royalty left the room.

***********

Nyx couldn’t help but dance through the living room, loving how much fun everyone was having. She also loved how everyone was grinning at her and her awesome (not skanky) red dress. The appreciation of her fellow students gave her confidence for what she was about to do.

She saw AJ through the patio doors, sprawled out on one of the deck chairs and surrounded by his usual cloud of smoke. The band mates and roadies from Crashboombang were arranged around him, laughing and passing a large blunt around the circle. Ignoring the butterflies in her stomach that always accompanied the sight of him, she slid open the glass door and walked out on the patio. A heavy piney, herbal scent lingered in the air--so thick it nearly made her eyes water. All six pairs of eyes fixed on her, but she only had eyes for him.

To the girls of Robinson High, AJ Abbott was the best catch possible after Glen Belmont. Not only was he brooding and sexy, he also played bass in the area’s most popular rock band. Every girl’s dream was that he would one day write her a song, but unfortunately, until now, the only songs he had written for a girl was for Amanda Schaeffer.  But, she had graduated last year, and their already shaky relationship hadn’t been able to survive the distance.

Nyx supposed she should feel bad that one of her friends was going through a breakup, but she had loved AJ for so long, she honestly didn’t care at all. Amanda had always been the wrong girl for him, and finally, Nyx would be able to prove that she would be a much better match.

She approached his chair, exaggerating her strut more than normal.  Nyx knew the effect she had on boys. When she was fourteen, her body had changed from slightly chubby to dangerously curvy almost overnight. After Amber stood in for a non-existent mother and helped Nyx pick out the right size bras, Nyx had figured out how much influence a nice rack could have on the world.

The short, low-cut red dress definitely seemed to do the job tonight. (Okay, maybe it was slightly skanky.)  One of AJ’s friends couldn’t help but emit a low whistle, nearly standing up in anticipation. She ignored him though, lowering herself onto the end of AJ’s deck chair. He sat up slowly, his intense blue eyes on her as he took a hard drag on his joint.

Nyx leaned forward in what she hoped was a seductive manner and parted her lips. “Shotgun me?”

He nodded, smrked, and bringing his lips close to hers, blew the smoke out and into her mouth.  Their lips touched briefly, and Nyx tried to not shiver or do something embarrassing. Then AJ relaxed against the back of his chair again, and passed the joint to Scully, the lead guitarist of Crashboombang.

She wasn’t sure if it was the weed or AJ that was making her feel heady, but she rested her back casually against his knee regardless. “Hey.” She hoped she sounded poised, and not like her heart was beating a million times a minute. A black curl fell across her eye, but the motion made her feel like a movie star, so she refrained from batting it away.

“Hey.” He always seemed so laid back and relaxed. Nyx envied AJ’s naturally chill demeanor, mostly because she felt like she moved through life too fast to even think. She never could sit still or just be unless she was smoking.  (The shrinks didn’t realize how marijuana could do much better job of soothing the average hyperactive teenager than prescription drugs.)  The joint was handed back to her, and she inhaled until her eyes watered. Bright red lipstick stained the white paper, but no one seemed to care.

“I’m sorry to hear about Amanda," She attempted to look remorseful, but didn’t put too much effort into it.   Nyx had never liked Amanda.  Even when Amanda was a senior, and Nyx was a junior—thus forcing them to hang out in the same group, Nyx had thought she was a bitch.

He shrugged, the shoulders of his black tee shirt rising and falling. “Yeah. It’s whatever.” The joint rolled in his fingers. The group was silent, but not awkward--a familiar, comforting quiet. Nyx bit her lip and looked down, playing with the untied lace of AJ’s worn skate shoes.

Finally, Scully broke the silence. “You’re coming to our show tomorrow night, Nyx?” The hood of his skull cap (the origin of his nickname) nearly covered his brown eyes.

“Have I missed a show yet?” Nyx smiled back at him, trying to not giggle like a fool when she felt AJ start to wrap and unwrap one of her curls around his finger. “I didn’t think the merch girls were even allowed to skip.” She and Amber went to every show, wearing the black and neon colored band shirts and selling EPs and stickers.

“Did you hear we start might recording an actual album in month?” Scully looked as excited as a stoner could be. “My cousin’s boyfriend has a studio he said we could use for really cheap.”

“That’s awesome.”  Nyx was trying to focus on the conversation, but every time AJ’s finger brushed the skin on her back, she felt like she was going to hyperventilate.

“I can’t wait until you guys get famous.” Amber appeared on the patio then, leading Glen along like an eager puppy. Nyx swallowed the jealousy that rose every time she saw the perfect couple. With her perfectly highlighted blonde hair, green eyes, and deep tan, Amber Bryant was the epitome of high school gorgeousness.  Yet, despite her looks, Amber was never conceited, and such an amazing friend and person.  And she totally deserved such a great boyfriend like Glen. Sometimes, though, Amber’s perfection made Nyx a little depressed. Maybe she was wasting valuable relationship time with someone great like Glen while she pined away for AJ Abbott.

“Dude.  Sup.” AJ’s fingers stayed tangled in Nyx’s hair, while the free hand reached out to slap against Glen’s.

“Dude,” Glen grinned at his best friend. They made an unlikely pair. Just like Nyx and Amber, the punk rock stoner and the popular football star even looked completely opposite. Glen wore a royal blue football jersey that matched his eyes and made his biceps look even bigger, while AJ’s black shirt emphasized his slim frame and white skin. They had been neighbors since pre-school, and they had never let the drama and labels of high school come between them.

It was actually through their friendship that Nyx and Amber had gotten close. Amber had dated Glen for as long as anyone could remember, and since Nyx ran in the same circles as AJ, it was inevitable that the girls would meet. Nyx had never expected to befriend the most popular girl in school, and now she couldn’t imagine life without her best friend.

“Want a hit?” AJ held out the joint, but Glen shook his head.

“I’ve told you a million times, man. They drug test us randomly, and I need that scholarship,” Glen’s smile was non-judgmental though, and he ran an easy hand through his blonde hair. “Hey, we’re doing a quick practice tomorrow before the show, right?”   Even though Glen seemed more suited to be the next John Mayer, he played rhythm guitar in Crashboombang.

Mmhmm,” AJ’s tugged on Nyx’s hair again, and Amber shot Nyx an excited smile.

“What about the Dropkick cover?” Scully piped up. “Are we still doing it? People love it.”

Nyx felt AJ’s hand grow very still on her back. She held her breath. Crashboombang did an amazing cover of the Dropkick Murpheys’ song “Dirty Glass”, and Amanda had always helped out with the female vocals. But, now that AJ and Amanda had broken up…

There was thick silence for a moment.

Amber started squirming, and Nyx glared at her to mentally tell her not to say what they both were thinking. But, Amber was never one for silent signals. “Nyx can do it!” She piped up, her green eyes big and excited. “She sang in the Spring Musical last month, remember?”

The butterflies AJ had already induced in Nyx’s stomach began to do somersaults, crashing crazily against her insides.  She figured they would say no, but was surprised to find she was hoping wildly that they would say yes. She avoided everyone’s eyes and studied her chipped black nail polish.

AJ startled her by speaking first. “Fine by me.” He shook his black bangs out of his eyes as he looked up.

Scully nodded. “She did do a kick ass job in that play…”

Glen nudged Nyx’s leg with his foot. “You cool with that, Nyxie? I know I don’t have to ask if you already know the lyrics…” It was true. Amber and Nyx stood in the front by the stage of every show and always screamed every line of every song at the top of their lungs. Such fanaticism came with the territory of being Crashboombang’s biggest groupies. (Well, not the skanky groupies. The cool, Almost Famous kind of groupies.)

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Nyx tried to go for nonchalant, but her leg betrayed her by starting to bounce in excitement.

***************

Nyx smelled good. The heavy scent of weed usually blocked everything else out, but AJ could pick up the faintest hint of flowers and vanilla.

And, she looked good too. Really good, in that bright red dress with that black, black hair. He let his fingers trail along the bared skin of her back again, amusing himself with how she would tense up and then relax every time he did it.

Nyx was completely different than Amanda. Amanda had been like a delicate china doll, with carefully dyed orange hair and ivory skin. Sometimes, he had been amazed at how such a little doll could scream and curse so loud. Nyx was tanned and curvy and like some Amazonian version of Bettie Page. Plus, he’d never even seen Nyx get seriously angry at anyone.

And she looked really good in that dress. When she had moved in to shotgun the blunt, he had been surprised by the intense urge to kiss all that red lipstick off her mouth. He had never thought of Nyx that way. She had always been the cool girl that would smoke with him and make him laugh. Nyx wasn’t clingy or annoying, like most of the girls in the school who worshiped the band.

Glen was talking about something, probably practicing tomorrow, but AJ was lost in his thoughts. The show tomorrow was going to be hard without Amanda there. Even though they had fought more than they liked each other, AJ still felt lost without her. Sure, the intensity of his feelings for her had waned since she had started going to the local community college, but at least she had been familiar. AJ liked familiarity in his life. He liked having the same best friend and playing in the same band and smoking the same weed.

At least with Amanda there had never been any surprises. He knew what made her mad and what made her happy and how she liked to be kissed. He knew that whenever she got angry, he could light up and ride it through high and happy until she had calmed down.

He watched Nyx’s red lips wrap around the joint again, and he couldn’t help but sit a little straighter as he watched. Scully and the other boys all did the same, although they tried to be discreet about it.

Nicole Carrington should have been the school’s biggest bitch. Her life was like one of those made-up MTV reality shows. Her mother, Lydia Green, had been a gold-digging personal trainer who was infamous for her long line of rich boyfriends. Nicole’s father had been one of the richest in a long line of beaus—a self-made New York businessman who invested in everything from real estate to movie productions to record labels. The pregnancy meant security, but had effectively ended Lydia’s man hunting days.

A baby also meant a scandal, which meant lots of hush money. Nicole wasn’t spoiled, though, never talked about her infamous childhood, and insisted on being called “Nyx” (a much cooler spelling, she said, of her childhood nickname “Nics”).

And she looked good in that dress. AJ felt like he was seeing her through new eyes. He stared at the bare curve of her shoulder and quenched the urge to touch it. She must have sensed his quiet study of her because she turned her huge brown eyes on him and smiled with those red lips. Nyx was so poised and sophisticated compared to all the other girls in school. She always seemed so sure of herself, and maybe that’s what he needed.

Scully broke into his contemplation, hitting his shoulder and trying to pass the joint. AJ shook his head and passed it on to Greg, one of the guys who always ran sound at their shows. He felt good and didn’t want to get too fucked up in case tonight went like he was hoping it would.

Loud music interrupted their comfortable silence as the patio doors swung open and expelled Mike Sellars. AJ was instantly annoyed by Mike and his frosted brown hair (circa 1999) and his big muscles. The guy was wide receiver for the Robinson varsity team, but even Glen would admit that Mike was a douche bag. AJ couldn’t understand why so many girls fell for his stupid ass.

“Dude,” Mike lunged forward to hit chests with Glen, who returned the gesture with all the dutiful motions of an off-season team captain.

“Hey. How’s the party going?” Glen’s tone was polite but dismissive. AJ knew he would rather hang out with his girlfriend and his close friends than socialize with drunken assholes. Anyone would.

“It fucking rocks. Dude, have you fucking seen how short Christine’s skirt is? You can see her ass every time she bends over.” Mike was gesturing wildly with his hands as he talked. His cheeks were flushed bright red.

“Well, Mike, I’m sure you would know by now that my girlfriend is all I need.” AJ agreedAmber was a pretty cool chick (for a cheerleader).  She seemed unfazed by Sellars’ stupidity, picking at a split end.

Scully coughed loudly, and AJ heard the word douche hidden among the words. Nyx laughed, and the sound turned Mike’s attention to her.  His eyes zeroed in on her tits.

“Shit. Damn, girl. Nikki, come inside and let me get you a drink.” He leered, not even bothering to pretend he was looking at her eyes.

“My name’s Nyx. And no thanks.” AJ felt her stiffen against his leg, and her chin rose to a haughty angle. She could be a cold bitch when she needed to be. (Maybe she got it from her mother.)

Mike's eyes narrowed at Nyx's icy retort. “You don’t have to be so damn rude. I just wanted to get you a drink. Come on.” He reached down to grab her wrist, and AJ suddenly felt possessive.

“Go back inside and enjoy the party.” Glen’s voice was quietly dangerous. He considered Nyx one of his good friends, and he had always been protective about her reputation. “I heard Christine’s looking for you.”

“Hah.” Mike continued staring down at Nyx, but released her hand to take a long swallow of his drink. “Why fuck a six when you could have a nine? And, such an easy nine, too.” When he winked at her, AJ stood up.

“Get the fuck out of here.” AJ may have been a lot smaller than Mike, but he was still known for his sudden temper and quick inclination to use his fists rather than his words. His face was close enough to Mike’s to smell the alcohol on the football player’s breath.

“Make me.” Maybe the joint had dulled AJ’s reaction time because he barely had time to jerk away from the meaty fist swinging at his head. Knuckles grazed his cheek, causing him to stumble back, but at least he’d missed the full brunt of the punch.

Glen was on his feet in a heartbeat, but AJ didn’t need him. He lifted his balled fist from his side and brought it across Mike’s body, back-handing him across the face. The crunch of cartilage under his hand was satisfying. Mike hit the ground hard and didn’t get up.

The patio was silent for a moment, before Scully took another slow drag of the joint, and shook his head. “Douche.”

“Yeah,” AJ agreed, wiping his hand on his dark jeans. He looked down at Nyx, who was staring at him with big doe eyes. Hitting Mike for her had made him feel very tough, something he had never felt when he was around Amanda. He could get used to this.

“Maybe you should get some ice,” Amber said from where she leaned on Glen’s shoulder. Neither one of them looked surprised that AJ had just knocked out the school’s starting wide receiver. “He didn’t get you that bad, but the last thing you want is a swollen face when you play the show tomorrow. The girls come to see you looking hot, not being busted.” Her smile took the sting out of her words.

“Yeah. Okay,” AJ touched his cheek. It was tender. He frowned until Nyx stood up, bringing a whiff of that flowery stuff with her.

“Let’s go get you some ice. Amber’s right; we can’t have you being ugly tomorrow.” She turned to go inside, reaching out to grab the hem of his shirt and gently tug him along. He considered reaching for her hand instead, but then figured it was too early for stuff like that. Instead he watched the way those curves moved under the red dress. The view from the back was almost as good as the view from the front.

**************

Glen knew what that look in AJ’s eyes meant as he followed Nyx inside to get ice. He was about to lean over to whisper it in Amber’s ear, when Greg, their sound guy, spoke up. “If I had a girl like Nicole Carrington after me, I would have dumped that loud-mouthed bitch Amanda a long time ago.”

“Amen,” agreed Scully. “She’s fucking sexy. That dress.” He whistled low, grinning over at Amber and how she rolled her eyes at them.

“Really, you two. Nyx is more than just tits and ass.”

”Yeah, of course she is,” Greg looked solemn, but the smile threatened to cross his lips. “I mean, there’s the legs, too.”

“Jesus.” Amber threw a piece of ice from her cup at him, shaking her head. Glen just smiled at the scene. He was a lucky guy. He couldn’t have asked for a cooler girlfriend who got along with his friends better than she did. He and Amber had been together for what seemed like forever, but the few times they broke up and he briefly dated other girls, none of them were like her.

Nyx has really liked him a long time, Glen. I really don’t want her to get hurt.” Amber’s lips were soft against his earlobe as she whispered. Her blonde hair tickled his skin.

He tightened his grip on her briefly before responding just as quietly. “AJ’s a good guy, Ambs. You know that. They’ve been friends for a long time, and they both have good heads on their shoulders.” At least he hoped. The last thing he wanted was for AJ and Nyx to hook up, then break up, and then ruin the perfect little world he had created for himself. If his best friend and his girlfriend’s best friend hated each other, things could become awkward.

Amber extended a tanned leg to poke Mike in the shoulder.  He was still on the ground. “Out cold. Poor guy.”

“Poor guy?” Glen shook his head. “He got what was coming to him. If AJ didn’t hit him, I would have. There are some lines you don’t cross, team mate or not.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Amber wrinkled her nose Mike's prone figure. “You know me. I just thing things can be solved without all the violence, that’s all.” She shrugged cutely

He kissed the tip of her nose, ignoring the gags from the band mates. He and Amber could be mushy in public together at times, but they always tried to not go too overboard. Glen cleared his throat. “Well, tomorrow should be interesting.”

Scully snorted. “Yeah. I wonder how the crowd will react when it’s Nyx on stage and not Amanda.”

Greg shot Amber a wicked look before commenting, “Well, as long as she wears something low cut, we’ll be fine.” Amber narrowed her eyes at him in mock anger, and Greg rushed to get the rest of his line out before she hit him. “She doesn’t even have to sing, just stand there and put her hands—ouch!” Amber’s last piece of ice hit him right in the cheek. He pouted and held a hand to his face.

Glen grinned over at Greg, and then down at his girlfriend. As badly as he was dying for a hit of the dying blunt in Scully’s hand, he was actually very content. His past football season had been very impressive, and offers were coming in from schools all over the country. The band was gaining more and more notoriety, plus he had an amazingly hot, cool girlfriend who he loved and the best friends possible.

He was happy. He was.

**************

Emily was ready.

It had taken her three hours to get ready for the party tonight, and she felt that all the preparation had paid off. Her black jeans were so tight, she could barely breathe, and so low, she’d had to wax her bikini line. The studded belts were layered and draped expertly, and the Crashboombang shirt (signed by AJ, of course) was ripped and tied to fit her body like a glove.

She’d just streaked her hair bright orange (like he liked) and was wearing thick black eyeliner (like punk girls should).

She was ready. AJ Abbott had finally broken up with his stupid girlfriend, and Emily was ready to step in and take her place.

What guy wouldn’t say yes to her? They would have to be crazy. She’d put three different brands of condoms in her purse just in case he was bigger (of course he’d be bigger) than she thought, and worn her favorite underwear (black, his favorite color), and had a tiny bag of marijuana she’d bought (his favorite kind) in the cup of her bra (a special treat for him.)

She was ready. She was tired of sleeping with just any old guy in a band. She was ready for him. AJ Abbott was the hottest bassist in the entire town, and Emily was sure that one day he would be on TRL. Then she’d be able to tell all her friends that she had fucked someone famous, and she’d pretty much be the coolest person ever.

The only problem was…she couldn’t find him anywhere. She’d looked in the kitchen where the alcohol was, in the bedrooms where the couples were, in the living room where the music was, and in the garage where most of the potheads were. Frowning, she stood in the middle of the den and crossed her arms over her chest.

She was just about to go start asking people if they had seen him when she saw him standing just inside the hall bathroom. He was pressing a washcloth to his face.

Emily swallowed hard. He was so sexy, and he was going to be all hers. She couldn’t wait to take pictures of her and him together and post them on her MySpace for everyone to see and be jealous of. AJ Abbott was going to make her entire high school career. She was ready.

But who was he talking to? She got closer, pretending to be bopping her head along with the music. She saw a tanned arm reach out and take the washcloth from his face. Who was in there with him? Some slut? Some whore was already trying to steal her new boyfriend?!

Emily got closer, thankful that there was a mirror on the wall right next to the door. She was able to see a tight red dress and wild black hair. She scowled. Nicole Carrington. That girl thought she was so special because she was rich and kind of beautiful.

She wasn’t even really that pretty. Boys just liked her because she had big boobs and a small waist. Besides, Emily was sure that Nicole had her boobs done. How else did they look like that? Come to think of it, Emily had actually heard rumors that Nicole had a lot of work done as her eighteenth birthday present. Her mother was loaded after all.

Everyone knew the truth about Nicole's family--how her mother had broken up the marriage of a wealthy couple in New York by purposely getting pregnant with his child. The plan had worked, and the resentful husband had paid millions to make his former personal trainer go away quietly. But, Lydia Green was anything but quiet, and Nicole was just like her mother--loud, selfish, and slutty. Nicole's mother was never around, and Emily had heard that Nicole frequently had guys sleep over to keep her company.

Of course the trampy Crashboombang groupie would be trying to sleep with the band's star. Emily tried to swallow jealousy in the back of her throat. Why would she be jealous of some plastic, snobby whore?

AJ murmured something in a low voice, and Emily heard Nicole’s throaty chuckle answer back. Emily’s stomach tightened in hatred. What a skank! Didn’t Nicole realize that AJ liked orange hair and punk girls?! Not wannabe pin ups who slept with half the guys in school and insisted people call them by some stupid nicknames.

That was another thing. Nicole insisted on being called "Nics" or something ridiculous. It was a testament to her self-obsessed syndrome that Nicole had to invent a new name that was different than everyone else's.

Emily shifted her position one final time and finally got a good view of both of them. Maybe she could go accidentally interrupt, and then AJ would see her, and forget all about the black haired bitch. Then they would go upstairs and have sex and take pictures for MySpace. Maybe then he’d even write a song about her! That would be the best thing ever.

Mentally gathering her nerve, Emily began to count to three. On three, she would open the door and go in, and then act surprised to see them, and AJ would realize how hot she was, and then Nicole would leave in tears when she realized she couldn’t compete with true punk girls who understood brooding rock star souls.

Okay. One. 

Two.

ThrEmily froze, watching in horror as AJ reached out, grabbed the back of Nicole’s neck and pulled her face against his.

Staring in shock, she was bumped by someone who had just come in off the patio. She whipped around to see who had hit her and realized that it was Scully, the guitarist for Crashboombang.

Well…guitarists always ended up being more famous than bassists anyway, right?

She turned on her heel and followed Scully to the kitchen.

She was ready.

***************

AJ had suspected that Nyx would be a good kisser, but he never thought she’d be this good. Her mouth was hot and willing, and it was just the right amount of tongue without getting sloppy. She tasted like two of his favorite things in the world—weed and whiskey. Her hair was soft against his hands, and her amazing tits were pressed against his chest. He wanted to go for them, but didn’t want to rush things too quickly. He’d give it a minute or two.

He had gone inside not planning on kissing her tonight. Maybe indulge in some heavy text message flirting, and then perhaps seeing how things went from there. Nyx wasn’t the kind of girl to hook up with random guys, and after all, the last thing he wanted was another serious relationship. Maybe this would all just stop with innocent flirting.

But, Nyx had been so goddamned sweet as she got him ice and babied him, and he’d seen how every guy she passed stared at her like she was a goddess, and he wanted all that for himself.

So, as she leaned in to dab away the wetness left behind by the ice pack, he’d given into the temptation and pressed his lips against hers. Now, the little sounds she was making as he kissed her harder were turning him on like crazy. He must have been crazy. Amanda seemed like a child compared to Nyx and her curves and her laugh. Why hadn’t he done this sooner?

And he knew she’d be cool with having a casual, fun thing. She was so laid back and chill like that. The last thing he needed was another serious relationship.

He decided to go for the tits.

***********

Nyx felt like she was dreaming, or having an out of body experience, or maybe the weed was making her hallucinate. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. AJ Abbott was not making out with her in the hall bathroom.

He was an amazing kisser, just like she had dreamed. Not too aggressive, but still forceful. She had come tonight intent on making him notice her, but she had never expected for things to progress this quickly. Maybe she was better at this than she thought. What if this was too fast? He’d only just broken up with Amanda.

His lips found her throat, and she leaned her head back against the mirror, digging her fingers into the back of his head. Really, the last thing she wanted to be was a meaningless rebound. That would be horrible. She pulled on his hair, dragging his lips away from his skin. “AJ.”

His pupils were huge, almost hiding the intense blue of his eyes. He was breathing hard. She tried not to smile at the red lipstick smeared across his mouth. Nyx.”

“We’re good friends, right?”

AJ looked pained, like the last thing he wanted to do was have this conversation right now, but he nodded, clacking his lip ring against his teeth idly. “Yeah.”

“I just don’t want that to ever change.”

A look of relief crossed his face. “Me neither. We’ll always be friends. Promise.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He kissed the bridge of her nose, right where her freckles were heaviest. Nyx couldn’t help but beam happily in response.

“Okay. Now kiss me again.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His lips were back on hers hungrily, and his foot nudged the bathroom door shut in a distracted motion.

Nyx leaned against him, her fingers sliding under his tee shirt and up the side of his hip. A content sigh escaped her mouth.

The dress definitely worked.


 

 

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SAStirling wrote 1024 days ago

I would be shocked and staggered if publishers didn't fall over themselves for this. I think you know your target market and you deliver the goods with absolute precision. Now, I'm all stuffy and English and too old for this sort of thing - although I could happily fantasise about Nyx for weeks! - but I can appreciate writing that is pitched perfectly, and this, surely, is it.

Come on, HC! Take a look at this one!

Good luck with it -

Simon

JohnRL1029 wrote 1026 days ago

As much as I hate shallow, vapid, good-looking people whose thoughts consist of where the next good party is, who beat up who, who fucked who, where can I score some good pot, etc...I also find their pointless dimsal lives fascinating, though I usually prefer books that satirize their existences instead of glorifying them; though I'm hoping there will be a little of that later on in the novel.

Your writing is perfect. That's all I have to say about that. It's so captiviating. I usually skim through stuff, look for the good material, but I saw it all the way through this gem.

I don't think this would work as YA though. Maybe the rules have changed, but I'm pretty sure there can't be a lot of F words in YA...which is ridiculous, since teenagers cuss all the fucking time.

not really there wrote 1027 days ago

Excellent. This is an author who understands marketing and the market her work will appeal to. Celebrity culture books keep on selling and while a lot of people may complain about that, as long as we have a celebrity culture that trend looks set to continue. Good luck.

Valentina wrote 1028 days ago

I'm really enjoying this! A perfect book for the current teen/YA market who are all loving all the shows of the rich and famous teens (The OC/Gossip Girl/90210)

I think you have captured that scene perfectly. You have sexy, beautiful and streetwise heroine's - Amber and Nyx, Very cool band guys, particularly AJ and a very interesting setting.

Your writing was smooth and easy to read, i noticed no typos or errors!

I could easily see myself picking this up in a bookstore...on my shelf, best of luck! xox

rb101182 wrote 484 days ago

Just backed this! I love music books, mine is also a music novel, and I cant wait to read yours!

rb101182 wrote 484 days ago

Just backed this! I love music books, mine is also a music novel, and I cant wait to read yours!

CarolinaAl wrote 512 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start to what is surely a captivating story. An interesting cast of unique characters. Good descriptions. Not much tension until Mike shows up. Then the tension subsides until the Emily section which is nicely tense. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'The relationship fulfilled any expectation had of high school romance.' A word seems to be missing in this sentence.
2) "Let's get you and drink," Glen grinned down at her. A word seems to be missing from the dialogue. Also, put a period after 'drink.' 'Glen grinned down at her' is narrative (tells who did something), so the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period (unless it's a question).
3) 'She only had eyes for him' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
4) 'The only songs he had written for a girl was for Amanada Schaeffer.' 'Was' should be 'were.'
5) "I'm sorry to hear about Amanda," Period after 'Amanda.' There are more cases of dialogue punctuated with a comma that should be punctuated with a period.
6) ' ... he ran an easy hand through his blonde hair.' Blonde = female. Blond = male.
7) 'Delicate china doll' is cliche. Consider writing something similar, but in a fresh way.
8) 'She had always been the cool girl that would smoke with him ...' 'That' should be 'who.'
9) In the Emily section, you mention MySpace. Hasn't Facebook taken over from MySpace?
10) ' ... dragging his lips away from his skin.' I don't get this.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Passion."

Merry Christmas.

Al

HideAwayArms wrote 839 days ago

The dress obviously worked.......I adore ur storyyyyy.....keep writing can't till it fibish..Nyx is an amazing character..and I cant wait to see how Tristan turns out as well as AJ..ur story is just full of characters that remind me of friend i know..LOLOL And its sooo cute, plzzz keep writing, Im dying to see what happens next

ju-ju wrote 932 days ago

this has got the right stuff in it to hook teens and I know my daughter would love to read this. Based on the pitch and opening chapter, I am happy to shelve this. ju-ju

Mardi wrote 1001 days ago

Hi That Girl!! I have just finished reading the first chapter of your book. The premise is excellent, contemporary and compelling and takes your reader into a world that very few of us ever get a chance to visit. That is a very good thing. Your MC's character development is coming along nicely. However, I do feel that your book needs some editing in order to be the tight story that a publisher would be anxious to snap up. You have a tendency to overwrite, telling us the why's behind every thing that happens. Always remember that your reader is smart and does not require the tiny details. Also keep in mind that your reader is reading in the first place because they WANT to use their imagination, which is what encourages them to turn the page and move on to the next chapter. Every word in every sentence in every paragraph should propel your story forward. Anything that doesn't do this should be deleted. I also had a tendency to overwrite but after having been giving this same advice, I went through my whole book to trim and edit. I ended up deleting A LOT, including a whole chapter. Yes, it hurt but it made my book better. Also, I would encourage you to drop brand names and references to actual popular songs, bands, etc. as they always sound like name-dropping. Point of View - stick to one point of view throughout, or at the very least, per chapter. I would also caution you regarding your many uses of '-ly' words. In almost every instance (with the exception of dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger, carrying more literary tension, when these troublesome adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you will see what I mean. Try to avoid using and/or repeating cliches (example: 'the epitome of'). Lastly, I don't see anything wrong with including some references to weed and the drug culture as it may be an ongoing theme of your book....however, don't overdo as the many references detract from the rest of your story. Well, that's about it. I hope some of these comments help. Keep at this as it holds the promise of a lean, mean work of contemporary fiction that would appeal to many readers. I promise to re-visit this (just send me a message!) after an edit or two. Good Luck!

Sylvia wrote 1007 days ago

A very good fit for your audience, TGYL. Nyx, the slightly self-obsessed attractive teenager with a crush on AJ, the good-bad boy, balanced by the very good Amber and Glen, and the very bad Emily (go upstairs and have sex and take pictures for MySpace - LOL). I can see all sorts of misunderstanding, rivalries and plots intervening in any lasting happiness.

This is well written, the exchange of blows between Mike and AJ was an excellent action sequence and the kiss scene between AJ and Nyx was hot. I can see why an agent requested the full MS, and hope you do well with it - on my shelf :o)

I've just checked the other comments of readers re party/club confusion and some repeated info, so rather than restate those, here are my suggested tweaks to use or ignore...

'confidence and enthusiasm was (were) infectious'. 'any expectation had of high school romance' is there a clearer way to say this? 'Let's get you and (a) drink'. 'Amber and Amanda - these are easily confused - might be better for the reader if you rename Amanda - same with Glen and Greg. 'Did you hear we start might recording' words tangled. 'just thing (think) things'. BTW If someone were out cold for as long as Mike, they'd need a doctor.

Adam Paris wrote 1012 days ago

Excellent opening chapter, nice balance of dialogue, body language and info- results in a vivid, uncomplicated flow. Essence of book is brilliantly conveyed in opening.
Adam (Lunar and Sol)

TheresaMC wrote 1016 days ago

Hi There,

I have a few worries, up front. Between the title and the opening paragraphs I spent quite some time thinking this was not a party so much as a club scene. Once I got to the bit about the football-cheerleader thing, I had to go back and see if it mentioned where they were, and only then did I notice the bit about teenagers being draped everywhere. I supposed the lack of self-consciousness threw me off -- even the most beautiful teenagers tend to be awkward and a little insecure, that's just the nature of high school. Also, this may be good or bad, depending on the reader, but I found myself almost instantly disliking Nyx. it may be your intention to create a kind of self-centered character but I find myself really strongly hoping she changes...soon. When you sort of switch over to Amber for a moment, I find myself hoping you'd stay with her. There are some info dumps here and there, and you could probably stand to substitute a few pronouns for people's names here and there, but I think a tight edit to fix these. There's a lot of characters introduced here, and a lot of jumping around, so I'm wondering if there is a way to air this out a little...or maybe focus it a bit. Maybe a first person narration. I'm not sure... but I think this has potential with a bit of editing.

msm0202 wrote 1017 days ago

That Girl,
This is lively, modern and thoroughly enjoyable. I'm generally not a fan of opening with dialogue. (I like a few paragraphs of dramatic narrative to set the tone). But it sure works here. Your dialogue, in fact, is among the strongest I've seen on authonomy. Well written narrative, too.
Shelved.
Mark

TomW wrote 1017 days ago

Comments on Chapter 1...

I'm not the intended audience for this, of course, but it seems likely to be a popular with teenage girls. It's just edgy enough to pass muster with its target audience, I feel, without quite alienating parents and teachers. The dialogue feels authentic, and I think you've captured the slightly exaggerated emotions that teens feel, without it stretching into Twilight excess.

For the sake of some quibbles, scroll down the page and see how many paragraphs begin with either "The" or a pronoun (one of the character's names). I would imagine many of the sentences within the paragraphs are similar. You can't eliminate all of them, of course - nor should you - but see if you can vary a few.

I'll give you a run on my shelf and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

SHRous wrote 1018 days ago

I read all 10 chapters. There's really nothing I can say to add to the comments others have written. Shelved.

sgwx wrote 1018 days ago

This is such a [guilty] pleasure! It's something I would have picked right off the bookshelves (along with Gossip Girl) a few years back, so you're definitely hitting up the right audience.

The pitch was well delivered and drew me in. After reading the story, I do have two points: "... she never counted on a n infamous supermodel ruining her life" sounds ominous, which doesn't match Tristan's effect on Nyx's life at all. 'Shaking things up', perhaps... but 'ruining' is a bit extreme. Also, I find the description of the love affair unnecessary. It doesn't deal with the main point of the book. The affair is only a black and white background to Nyx's introduction into the glamorous world of Tristan and Jeremy. Skip that in the pitch and jump straight ahead to Nyx, because that's what/who we really care about.

Nyx's bundle of enthusiasm, backbone, and vulnerability make her a great mc. I'd prefer if she wasn't so vapid and shallow at times, or if her character could undergo change by the end of the book. However, considering the celebrity culture backing and the target audience, this isn't a big deal.

AJ comes off as a jackass who can't get enough of Nyx's fine, curvaceous body. A little more compassion can do the boy some good. From the sound of your pitch, AJ won't be disappearing anytime soon, so hopefully you'll instill some maturity in him and redeem his character.

Tristan and Nyx have obvious chemistry. The chocolate waffle scene was my favorite by far (simple yet significant.) The romantic in me is crying out for more of these non-physical interactions. By the way, I'm a total sucker for the scenes where Tristan can't help but stare at Nyx.

One more piece of thought: Nyx adjusts way too easily to the new lifestyle. Play up her insecurities here.

A charming and sexy read. Backed!

-Sarah
P.S. I'll be leaving a similar, but probably updated, review on fictionpress (under the same username.)

lawdog wrote 1019 days ago

I can see why you've been asked for the full MS on this one. You don't need me to waste precious editing time by reading praise you already know. I stumbled through the repeated background information Lydia from both AJ and Emily. They both said the exact same things about Nyx's mom. IMHO I think the information is better served coming from Emily. Guys don't usually focus on that stuff because they don't care too much about it. Emily would focus on it because it devalues her competition in her head. Also, you're kinda skating on thin ice about the medical marijuana at the airport. That's federal jurisdiction and they don't cotton too much to that excuse. I believe the medical question is an affirmative defense to prosecution, that is, after the person has already been arrested. Again, just a thought as you're editing. I wish you the best of luck with this and remember all of us authonomizers still out in the cold when you're rich and famous. Shelved!

happypetronella wrote 1020 days ago

Well now, being an old lady I didn't think I would like a book about teens as much as I did. You have created a great bunch of believable, very individual characters, and an equally believable world for them to live in. Read all ten chapters - I always read everything posted - and for me the story just flowed.

You belong on my shelf.

dave_ancon wrote 1021 days ago

Charming! LOL. Hard not to like this. Down to earth and so realistic in today's world. I have no suggestions to improve, for you've captured it, baby. Backed! -- Dave ( Visions )

mikegilli wrote 1021 days ago

Still shelved. How do you make this SO sexy?
Nyx is a wonderful creation...Congratulations.
Suggestions.
I would add a little prologue of Nyx an ordinary kid before getting into all this.
Or even a flash forward to when she's sixty two.!
Lors of luck with this..........Mikey (The Free)

Bakrobi wrote 1021 days ago

I love chick lit. I wish I had money so I could own more of it. I wish this one were published so I could own it, too! But for now I guess the best I can do is place it on my shelf.

T.L Tyson wrote 1022 days ago

you write well. And I am backing this for that reason.
These girls drove me nuts because they are the complete opposite to everything I have ever been or will be. :)
That said, you know your audience, you wrote this so well that girls the world over will fall head over heels in love with Nyx.
Good job.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

M.Alkmini wrote 1022 days ago

I remember reading some of this before on FP, and I'm really glad that you've re-posted Nyx's story here. Although I never really read Gossip Girl and other celebrity-based books, I definitely enjoyed reading this. Nyx is the type of girl you love to hate, but really can't hate all that much because of her charm and charisma. The secondary characters are just as strong as the main ones and I find myself hoping that she'll end up with Tristan--who is obviously so much better for her--rather than AJ.

The only thing I found a little hard to believe was how readily she accepted Jeremy and her new family. I understand that it seems within her character to do so, but I think it would have been a little bit more believable if she had seemed nervous at first or a little awkward.

Otherwise, however, I think you've got a great story and good luck =)

~M.Alkmini

InternetG33k wrote 1022 days ago

Hey That Girl!

For some reason, I have the urge to call you Ann Marie, but given your apparent age I'm sure that reference would be lost on you, so never mind - on to the critique! I made a few notes of some nitpicks as I read - I hope you find them helpful.

~ "Amber felt strong arms...lips press against her forehead... she turned around" Sounded a bit awkward - how could he kiss forehead from that angle?

~ "Come on, babe. Lets get you and drink," - should be "a"

~ "Even when Amanda was a senior, and Nyx was a junior-thus forcing them to hang out in the same group, Nyx had thought she was a bitch." - I didn't understand why seniors and juniors had to hang together. Also, the structure of the sentence seemed a bit off - I would trade the comma between "group" and "Nyx" for a matching dash.

~ "Glen was talking about something, probably practicing tomorrow, but AJ was lost... The show tomorrow..." - I'd drop the first "tomorrow"

By the end of the first chapter, I could tell you've nailed the voice for your target audience. A bit of tweaking and editing, and I think this could go far.

Shelved, but with an end-of-the-month explanation - I have my top five books back on my shelf, and I plan to keep them there in their honorary positions until the official end of the month. So what I'm doing is shelving your book for a moment or two (enough so it registers with the site), then taking it off temporarily - once the month ends, I'll put it back up to show my support.

~Traci

Keefieboy wrote 1023 days ago

Hi, That Girl - as others have noted: perfectly written for its target market. Should do very well. Shelved.

Patty wrote 1024 days ago

Here to return the read. I have to admit this is far outside the environment I enjoy reading, and my review is possibly coloured by that. I'll stick to technicalities.
Your pitch could use some work. I don't understand if the MC is the love child of the personal trainer and the tycoon, and if so, what that has to do with the plot as described here. I'm not really seeing a central conflict in the pitch.
In the first chapter, I got a bit confused about Amanda/Amber. Neither of them stand out clearly as characters. I don't know who Amber is and why she's so important that she gets the POV in the first scene.
Check how often characters use each other's names in lines of dialogue. I don't know that people call each other by name in dialogue this often.
There are quite a few sentences with 'as' constructions. It becomes a bit repetitive.
I think I'd prefer to 'see' what the characters are like, rather than be told about them.
I'm afraid I really dislike all characters. I don't know what Nyx's drive and passion is other than to hook up with a pot-smoking teenage rock star who is obsessed with tits. Give them some redeeming qualities that make the reader like these kids. Talk a bit more about their mutual passion for music, or something like that.

Jo Ellis wrote 1024 days ago

You have written well for your target market and I wish I had time to read more which is my benchmark for shelving!

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

Lillee wrote 1024 days ago

I really love Nyx and Tristan together - I really warmed to her in the last few chapters when she's all bouncy and excitable. The secondary characters are interesting and Scully has some funny lines and thoughts. I read that having characters with names that begin with the same letter can be confusing for readers - you might want to think about Amanda and Amber, Glen and Greg...

I did write down some typos throughout the last chapters - do you want me to send them to you?

I am very curious as to what happens to the girls next - the back story with Amber and Glen is interesting too...

gnip wrote 1024 days ago

The only problem that I have with this story, is the way Nyx readily accepts her new lifestyle and family in New York. I will think that it will be more realistic if she hesitates a bit and shows her weakness, and her fear in this new thing. Maybe it's just the way Nyx is, but when I was reading that part, I just couldn't accept it. Other than that great story!

Lynne wrote 1024 days ago

What an explosive first chapter. This is full of promise of an interesting and riveting story. Nyx is a wonderful character and you have brought her to life with ease. I look forward to seeing this climb up the charts. Well done.

SAStirling wrote 1024 days ago

I would be shocked and staggered if publishers didn't fall over themselves for this. I think you know your target market and you deliver the goods with absolute precision. Now, I'm all stuffy and English and too old for this sort of thing - although I could happily fantasise about Nyx for weeks! - but I can appreciate writing that is pitched perfectly, and this, surely, is it.

Come on, HC! Take a look at this one!

Good luck with it -

Simon

Urania wrote 1024 days ago

Great appeal in this genre, and you know how to capture the reader. Love the pace and dialogue. Only one suggestion, a slightly shorter first chapter? Otherwise, Shelved of course.

aquapictures wrote 1024 days ago

This has urban, city light anf life feel to it, from the first chapter to chapter ten. Fast and glamourous characters. Ah.. when do they rest? Your writing is clear and simple, which suites the subject matter - dancing your way to love and fast life. Good Luck.

Keiko
(A Thousand Words)

Kitty Fantastic wrote 1025 days ago

This is perfect for your demographic...it has an almost teenaged Jackie Collins vibe, with a harder edge. Great dialogue and pace. Love it.
Shelved.
Rachael

paxie wrote 1025 days ago

Loved your book cover, drew me in....Love the name Nyx, very original... Some repetitive description. ie.
'interlocking their fingers together' (you dont need to say together that's what interlocking means) Also you use the word 'that' sometimes when you dont need it....I only noticed because someone pointed it out to me...

.Apparantly a big publishers 'no no' is opening with dialogue....Its like walking into a room, the television is on, the picture is knackered and you have to try to work out for yourself , where they are, what they look like, what's on,,,,,,bla bla bla......It is actually a very valid point....I changed mine and noticed the difference straight away.....
Fast and racy for sure, best of luck......

bridgetb wrote 1025 days ago

I read a lot of chick-lit. It is the air i breathe. And i must say, this is some of the best chick lit i've read!
vivid description and wonderful wordchoice.
SHELVED.
Bridget Bergman

teen4writing wrote 1025 days ago

Hi That Girl You Love, ;)

Wow! I have to admit, I've never been one for Gossip Girl (I tried reading the first book, but just couldn't take it) but this is SO awesome!

Your writing is awesome and will most definitely appeal to the Cecily von Zsiegar's audiences and give Gossip Girl a run for her money! I'm sure this will go very far, and I can't wait to read more - not to mention buy it from my local bookstore! ;) I can definitely see this as a hit TV series on the CW, too!

I have a couple of diminutive comments (just teeny typos you may have missed):
He nodded, smirked, and bringing his... (smrked should be smirked)
“Did you hear we might actually be recording an album in a month?” (the 'a' is missing)
“Yeah. I guess.” …. “I just think things can be solve without all the violence, that’s all.” She shrugged cutely. (thing things --> think things)
Glen grinned over at Greg… dying for a hit of the dying blunt (you may not want to mention dying twice in the same sentence, even though it has a different meaning, I've heard that this is generally looked down on. Maybe try switching the first one to 'itching' or the second to 'flickering' or something. I can't exactly envision this part, lol, but you know what I mean)

Best of luck with this! Shelved with pleasure and can't wait to see you on the Editors' Desk! :)

Love,
Sara

gnip wrote 1025 days ago

Hi! I read your book I think 2 years ago on fictionpress, the first draft of it I think. But then it was deleted or something, and I also read the second draft of. I'm gonna read this one too, and hopefully its new and improved and better. =)

Kim Jewell wrote 1025 days ago

Hello, That Girl!

This is definitely a fun piece of chick-lit! Loving it...

I can't start my note without asking about the cover. I'm a marketing nut, so end up getting sucked into interesting cover art, and yours definitely falls into that category. Is there an interesting story behind this photo? Perhaps you are in it somewhere? Well, it's definitely an eye-catcher!

Nothing to nit with your writing. The dialogue is spot on, I love the names you have chosen, and girls of all ages will absolutely read this story over and over! Shelved with pleasure!

Kim
Invisible Justice

soutexmex wrote 1025 days ago

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. You know what you are doing as your writing ability is evident here; even your pitch is spot on. My only criticism is that I felt the first chapter should end at: "high school royalty walking out". Keep that first chapter short, pull that reader in. I know there will be comparisons to Gossip Girl but they rip of SATC anyway so forget it about it. This reminds me of Less Than Zero. Think you'll go someplace with this book. You have talent.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments, possible backing, of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

JohnRL1029 wrote 1026 days ago

As much as I hate shallow, vapid, good-looking people whose thoughts consist of where the next good party is, who beat up who, who fucked who, where can I score some good pot, etc...I also find their pointless dimsal lives fascinating, though I usually prefer books that satirize their existences instead of glorifying them; though I'm hoping there will be a little of that later on in the novel.

Your writing is perfect. That's all I have to say about that. It's so captiviating. I usually skim through stuff, look for the good material, but I saw it all the way through this gem.

I don't think this would work as YA though. Maybe the rules have changed, but I'm pretty sure there can't be a lot of F words in YA...which is ridiculous, since teenagers cuss all the fucking time.

John Booth wrote 1026 days ago

Very enjoyable, full of life and I enjoyed the changes of POV.

You do dialogue brilliantly and have a natural feel for your characters, so many to enjoy and all of them close enough to people we've known to hook us in. Loved it.

I think there was a minor technical error where you wrote ' heard Douche inbetween the words' when I think you meant inbetween the coughs.

My only problem was the names Amber and Amanda being so similar (at least to me), which meant I had a little trouble keeping track of who was who.

Shelved - a certain winner on here

John

blonde-but-black wrote 1026 days ago

Judging by dialogue mainly, I think this story really apeals to american YA, more than maybe British ones. But still, I liked it and for that it is going to spend some time on my shelf!

xoxo

Shona Kavi wrote 1026 days ago

This is so good - my favourite book on this site. I wish it was published, I'd buy it today! Sort of reminds me of Guitar Girl...! Will definately be reading more, Shona

Leona_Drew wrote 1026 days ago

I liked it. Need I say more? :)

S Richard Betterton wrote 1026 days ago

I'm pretty far-removed from your target audience but I found this immensely readable. I especially enjoyed the dialogue - I could almost hear them talking it was that good!
One of the main characters in my book Dying to Learn could really do with having a read of this. She'd love it! So I'm shelving it for Alice. Hope you go and meet her some time.
Simon

Cellardoor wrote 1026 days ago

That girl I love ;)

OMG, Ayrich's comment is so spot on :) I don't even read this kind of thing, and I love it! This will go down A STORM with the target audience, it's aimed so well. You also have one of the best titles I've come across in ages - on authonomy and in bookstores. It has bestseller written all over it. This is so modern and the romance aspect is quite addictive and delicious! I love Nyx as a character, you've done a cracking job here - welcome to my shelf!

I know this will do well, so no point in wishing you luck... ;)

Melanie x

J.E.Wyatt wrote 1026 days ago


Alright, I've finished reading chapter one. You write well. Very well, in fact. But I did come across a typo but that's not an issue. I am not a creditable reader of this Celebrity culture book of yours because I haven't read enough YA chick-lits like "Gossip Girls" or watched shows with famous teens. So this isn't my field. Though your story is very interesting, I had difficulty liking Nyx. She seems so--shallow. In the few contemporary chick-lits I've read (like the ones by Susan Elizabeth Phillips) even though the heroine was a glamour girl, the author always made sure to add some depth. Maybe you'll do this in later chapters. Or maybe this is what's to be expected in celebrity culture books. So like I said, you can ignore this comment. But because you write very well, I'll shelve this.

June

J.E.Wyatt wrote 1026 days ago

I haven't read enough yet, but here's something I picked up:

“Hey, baby.” Amber felt strong arms slide around her waist and lips pressed against her forehead. She turned around to smile at Glen

So, since Amber turned around to smile at Glen, would this not mean her back was to him when he came up to hold her? If so, how could he press his lips against her forehead, if her back is to him?

I'll be back for more. It's that good.

Ayrich wrote 1026 days ago

Teens evrywhere. Nuff said.

Katie-Maude wrote 1027 days ago

I stumbled across this here and I was super excited. I read the first version when you posted it on Fp, the one where Nyx had a different name, and it was on my favourites. This version is decidedly different and the characters seem much more mature and somehow more relateable. You get straight to the real problem of the story and I absolutely love Tristan. I hope you will continue to upload more here.

The Bevster wrote 1027 days ago

I knew I had to read this when I couldn't stop singing "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (still singing it now!!)

God I wish there were books like this when I was ahem younger!! (Although not to old that I still can't enjoy them!)

Your characters are easy to pictures - I like Amber and Glen... I also like how Nicole is "Nyx" - it reminds me of when I was in school and my friends and I would try and spell out names differently (I never had much luck with Bev!!)

The story just pulls you - there's a cool band, the girls are the type you'd want to be yourself and sexy guys ;o)

Giving this a spin on my shelf! ;o)

Love Bev x

Redenzione. wrote 1027 days ago

Just read this story, and loved it! As much as I adore Nyx and AJ, I must say I prefer Tristan and Nyx more so :D Also im intrigued to see what happens with Amber and Glen :D It was a smooth read, no plot holes currently, and well written! Can't wait to see what develops.

M.

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