Book Jacket

 

rank 1424
word count 28421
date submitted 30.07.2009
date updated 23.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Keeper of the Tribe

Sonia Pedemont

Jack's just resigned after 3000 years on the job. No send-off. No gold watch. Just one final adventure where he re-learns the meaning of humanity.

 

Jack Quick is the world's oldest, living historian. Well, perhaps not exactly 'living'. He's seen empires rise and fall. He was there when Alexander took Babylon. He only just missed the Crucifixion due to a complete misunderstanding at a tavern in Jericho. He spell-checked for King John I of England and most recently, he is attending a cooking course at Mrs Pilkin’s Culinary College in Liverpool.

After almost three millennia of Unlife, Jack’s been promised the Sleep, an end to the monotony of his existence and relief from the heavy burden of being a Keeper, a vampire scribe.

Frankly, he’s ecstatic, though you wouldn’t know it from looking at him.

Enter Grace Weir, university student and part-time bartender. She thinks she’s just prevented a severely ungrateful man from getting his head cut off by a crazy woman in a public park. But Grace soon learns what Good Samaritans have known since the Gospel of Luke, that not all good deeds are repaid in kind.

In fact, some may even come back to bite you.

 
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tags

adventure, ancient persia, angst, history, liverpool, mystery, university, vampire

on 18 watchlists

66 comments

 

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Pastormac wrote 253 days ago

I haven't read your book yet, but I added it to my watch list. I just wanted to say...Great pitch!

Melcom wrote 784 days ago

Great work Sonia.
The first line of the pitch got me and from then I was hooked. This is such an original idea.

Wishing you every success with it.


Melxx

Barry Wenlock wrote 785 days ago

Hi Sonia,
I love your original story and superb characters and will back you asap, but my machine is not responding to backings tonight, so I'll have to do it from an internet cafe tomorrow. Excellent writing.
Very best wishes, Barry

Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Jesse Hargreave wrote 824 days ago

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Jupiter Echoes wrote 904 days ago

Cool stuff.
Enjoyed the read.
Your descriptions and characterisations promise a good book throughout .
Fluid prose draws one in.
Afraid no quibles on punctuation and grammar from me - I'm no grammar queen.
So, from where i stand.

BACKED

nans wrote 926 days ago

Good writing that fulfills the promise of a unique premise. Needs a bit of editing to iron out some minor flaws.
Best,
Nans

Jane Alexander wrote 945 days ago

Assyrians were good at grudges! I like that and have a bit of a penchant for Babylonian stuff so your pitch sold the book to me. I tend to agree with the comment below that the first chapter is slightly too long. It's got a lot going for it but I too want to meet Grace and hit the modern part of the story. I also felt a bit dizzy in the first chapter as you spin from POV to POV quite a bit - from Jakora to Shumi etc - and I think I'd rather stay in one person's head - at least for a full paragraph, if not a chapter.
But those are pretty small quibbles for a great fun read - I hadn't realised just how humorous it was going to be either.
I enjoyed it a lot and am happy to back.
Jane
Walker

Simon Swift wrote 945 days ago

This is very enjoyable Sonia! Backed!
Simon

Jo Ellis wrote 953 days ago

I like this unique take on a vampire story (or Keeper).

Mix this with romance and I'm sold.

Sorry I don't have more to add but it is a great story and couldn't find anything to fault.

You sold me on your pitch.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Helen Bell wrote 959 days ago

Sonia, the best pitch I've read so far, making it clear that in the recent outbreak of Vampire stories in book and TV format, this is something different. And it is excellently written. Shelving and when I'm obliged, reluctantly, to take if off for something else, I'll be keeping it on the Watchlist to read the rest of it.

Regards

Helen (The Girl With No Shadow)

Keefieboy wrote 964 days ago

Sonia - looks like your other commentrs have said it all, so I'll just say 'great potential' and slap it on my shelf.

LawsonBlacklock wrote 978 days ago

I could nitpick... but I won't, because so many others have already done so and why waste words repeating what others have already said? So, instead, I'll say that I don't like fantasy but I do like history, and this is well worth reading. Of course, there were some punctuation errors in places that stilted your prose... but I think the story was strong enough for this not to be too much of an issue. I love the plot (though I think you should abandon the 'vampire' aspect... too much currently in the marketplace and thus difficult to sell to an agent) and the introduction of Grace to Jack's life was superb.

Am particularly taken with the line "a British accent that could have sliced water".

On the whole I was highly impressed.

TomW wrote 978 days ago

Comments on Chapter 1...

What i like about this is that it's set in a time and place not over-worked among fantasy or historical works (in other words, you gave Rome and Egypt a miss...) I had a bit of a problem with the modern tone to the narrative in the early stages - "Assyrians were good at grudges" and so on, though that's because I didn't read your blurb until after, and didn't work out it was undoubtedly intentional.

I felt there were a couple of things you could do to tighten it up a little. Look out for the number of "was", "were" type sentences; certainly not wrong, but they can be a bit same-y, and, possibly, tend to passivity (though not necessarily).

Also, see if you can eliminate superfluous words/clauses, stuff the reader already knows or can work out from inference. E.g. "Shumi was a rare Assyrian. There weren't many of his kind left." I would argue you are saying the same thing in two ways here.

Overall, it's a good start, and I'm happy to gead you a run on the shelf. Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Odysseus wrote 980 days ago

Right. So this sets the scene and tenor of this book—and had me chuckling immediately:

“No one did razing and sacking quite like an angry Assyrian king who'd had his sandaled toes stepped on one too many times.”

Followed then by this:

“King Ashurbanipal measured his manhood in terms of how well he managed his sphere of political influence. This was probably for the best, because to measure it in any other way would be to invite embarrassing speculation.”

And you can almost feel the quality of this writing:

“It was still dark, but the sacked city burned like the midday sun. There was a red, portentous glow over the valley. Fine, royal domiciles, the lesser dwellings of merchant and city officials, the sacred temples of the Elamite gods and those of foreign gods, shanties and slums, and lastly, Susa’s majestic, unrivalled ziggurat, the jewel of the city's intellectual legacy, it all burned. King Ashurbanipal did not want a vassal state, he wanted Susa obliterated.”

Or this:

“When the city gates had fallen, there hadn’t been any time to take much else apart from the Triberah....
The book was enormous and not easily transported. Earlier pages were a collection of clay tablets inscribed with glyphs, fire-baked into permanence. Later sections contained precise inscriptions on gold and papyrus. The gold was thin, soft and prone to marring, but the papyrus would last. In time, all the older documents would be transferred onto papyrus sheaf. The script on the last few pages was still bright and red; the ochre dye had not yet faded into brown. “

But here is a novel twist:

“What Shumi thought of vampires was best not uttered in polite company. Or in the company of any nearby vampires, of course. The concept of Immortality was fundamentally flawed, in Shumi's opinion. The minds of men were not built for that kind of longevity.”

With the same accompanying humour though:

“Keepers were record-minders. They were, in essence, witnesses to history. They were Immortals... As with all secret societies that bartered with privilege, Immortality was not something you went and banged on the door for. If you did, the annoyed Immortal in residence was within his rights to open said door, drag you inside and toss your desiccated remains out for the street sweeper.”

When we come to modern day, Jack finds he has a problem:

“Flying basically amounted to strapping yourself inside a flimsy, metal tube that brought you - and here was the kicker - closer to the sun.... Fellow passengers would not take kindly to someone bursting into flames right next to them.”

Here is why he was flying:

“Returning to Iran had been necessary to make the arrangement for the Sleep... It went without saying that most of the real estate he owned had basements, cellars, bomb shelters and crypts. Some people purchased for views, Jack purchased for depth...”

And the purpose:

“The Sleeping itself was uncomplicated. What was annoying was the red-tape. The waiting list for the Sleep was long. Jack knew all about it. He'd put his name down more than a thousand years earlier. There was no bicentennial newsletter informing you of where you were on the list. Every century or so, you had to go back to the Council and ask.”

Although there is a problem:

“Unfulfilled obligation negated a vampire' ability to accept the Sleep. If you had regrets big enough to bother you across centuries, it was best that you tried to sort it out.”

This is a superbly written tale, full of both humour and interest. A gem. Backed.






paxie wrote 983 days ago

Sonia

I enjoyed this very much....Your pitch is brilliant....What a dazzling prospect, lving 3000 years and seeing evolution revolve first hand.....

This is a subtle blend of fantasy and intrigue....I am not a fantasy reader, I question everything, which is stupid, because I know before I start that vampires dont exist and people are not imortal.....But I somehow didn't feel that niggly irritation I usually do when reading this genre, which, as I said, is not 'my take'

If I have one criticism it is that the first chapter is a bit too long and detailed in so far as the battle is concerned, although it is beautifully written........Most literary agents want to see the first 3 chapters.....You dont do yourself justice by padding out the battle so much, because you have the requisite literary skills to say what you have in half as many words......I think your readers want to see Grace, and meet her as soon as they can....(my view only).

Backed with pleasure, I wish you the very best of luck with this.......Would appreciate your views on mine...



agaian wrote 985 days ago

The story drew me in and the writing tone is fresh with a touch of humour. Very happy to Shelve this for a period

Anthony
('Houses of Sand')

Freddie Omm wrote 985 days ago

playful, intelligent, a grand sweep of history, another world

i can see this doing v well as you avoid portentousness and inject a lot of wit whilst keeping the story devloping at a good pace.

you write attractive sentences and paragraphs, seem to savour words, rhythms, which is v important and something a lot of writers here forget ..

the only concern i'd share is that sometimes a slightly didactic tone creeps in.. i know a lot of the time you do this deliberately, and it's part of the narrative fun, but too much of it might imbalance the flow.. it's a terrible cliché to write this, but i'd suggest dramatizing as much as possible..

shelved for imaginative strength and wit

good luck with it

freddie
("honour")

Andrew W. wrote 985 days ago

The Keeper of the Tribe

Hi Sonia,

This is an epic romp, you have a great narrative voice, confident, yet unintrusive and with a lovely gentle humorous lilt to everything you say. The first chapter flows well, there is a lot of historical detail but we don't notice it, it is so expertly blended in with the story. My only criticism of the first chapter is that I felt it went on too long and I wonder if along the way there is anything in the middle section of the chapter that could be lost. I will have to read on to find out the answer that the question I suppose. But what an accomplished writer you are, with a crafty eye for those details and descriptions that really make this imagined world come alive for the reader. Thank you for the opportunity of reading this, I learnt loads reading through it and enjoyed myself thoroughly on the journey.

Best wishes, backing soon - Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Piotr Mierzejewski wrote 987 days ago

Holy crap! That's some very descriptive writing, and there is evidence of research in what life could have been like back in the day. If anything, reading yours would teach me how to write better

Lorelli wrote 989 days ago

Hi Sonia
This is a complex and interesting story :-) I love the rich detail that you thread through the action and dialogue, it really lets me 'see' the world your characters inhabit (even the gory vamphire bits!) - fab!

Shelved with pleasure :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli (The Man Whisperer)

phillberrie wrote 991 days ago

Hi,

Me again. Just finished chapter nine and I sad that it's over. I'm sure you'll do well and am glad that I've shelved you.

More comments, edits and suggestions below. Hope they're useful.

Phillberrie (Engelian Adventures: Transgressions)

---

Edits, comments and suggestions

Chapter 7

"he would undergo a different kind of baptismal altogether" should be "... baptism altogether", 'baptismal' is the adjective form.

"or any of the others lesser specimens" should be "or any of the other lesser specimens".

"He has missed noticing this earlier due to his fear" should be "He had missed ..."

Chapter 8

"A single drop of blood could leave its, scarlet ..." Delete the comma.

"He slid the main, steel bolt its slot with ..." should be "... bolt into its slot with"

"Saddiq had taken quite risk to venture" should be "Saddiq had taken quite a risk to venture".

"not the information contained within the Repository?" should finish with closing quotes.

Chapter 9

"Twenty-five separate ingredients was a lot to handle" should definitely be "... were a lot to handle".

"They money was alright" should be "The money was alright".

"Her parents never like him" should be "Her parents never liked him".

"Grace though it might have been 'thank you'" should be "Grace thought ..."

"though It was too noisy in the class" should be "though it was ..."

phillberrie wrote 991 days ago

Hi,

Me again with more comments, edits and suggestions.

I can see why Askidad recommended your story. Just finished chapter 6 and will now shelve your book. Have to come back later though to finish it off as I have other stuff I should be doing.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie (Engelian Adventures: Transgressions)

---

Chapter 5

"where the Williamsons Tunnels were located" should be "... Williamson's Tunnels ...".

"to less begin rumours that" should be "to less benign rumours that"

"She was talking about His Name" should be "... his name" in italics. Capitalising pronouns is reserved for gods which Percy isn't.

"He was fidgety sort, by nature" should have an 'a' or a 'the' before the 'fidgety'.

General Comment: Percy having graduated with honours at the age of eighteen needs to be portrayed differently than he has been in my opinion. He needs to be genius level intelligence to have got that far ahead in the education system for one thing. Therefore he needs to be portrayed a lot smarter or be a savant or a synesthete (sp) or something. It does explain Mortimer's interest in him though. It might also explain the vampire authorities being willing to let him live as he would useful as a hacker. I suspect he would also realise this and be tempted to play it for all it was worth.

Chapter 6

Annaliese has driven her car down to the lowest public level of the Williamson's Tunnels. The two of them then get into an elevator which is not hidden in any way. Aren't there going to be lots of questions asked about this elevator: its existence for one in tunnels made in the 1800s and especially about the fact that there are no controls in it?

The chandelier in the large chamber is suitably gothic, but not believable, in my opinion for a number of reasons.

1. There would be wax all over the expensive Persian carpets
2. Someone has to replace the candles on a regular basis and I don't see vampires doing this.
3. Vampires may not need oxygen but candles and humans do and therefore I have to wonder where the air is coming from so far underground and why people haven't asked why so much air is being pumped underground.
4. They just used an electrically powered elevator. Surely the chandelier could also be electrically powered.

"Percy didn't see where the power chord could have ..." should be "... power cord ..."

"Gregor lumbered out of from the gloom" The 'of' needs to go.

"Close your mouth and put your eyes back in, love" LOL. Very nice.

"Nearly about two thousand and seven hundred years" I'd use one or the other but not both and preferably 'approximately' here.

"Percy though he saw the corner of Shumi's mouth quirk" should be "Percy thought ..."

phillberrie wrote 991 days ago

Hi,

Just finished chapter four and will watch list you and come back later.

Here are a few edits you might like to look into

Phillberrie.

---

Hi,

Askidad recommended I read your story.

Edits, comments and suggestions

Chapter 1

"quicker than a Greek poet after and epic battle". This smacks to me of being anachronistic considering the date of the setting. Just checking.

"Fires were immediate lit" should be "Fires were immediately lit" I believe.

"Granted, Immortals tended to do ..." I don't believe 'immortals' should be capitalised, especially when you are dealing with a work that also has gods.

Chapter 3

"Unfulfilled obligation negated a vampire' ability" should be "... vampire's ability"

End of chapter 3. Technically he has two obligation as he has a postcard to send as well ;-)

Chapter 4

"Cougar attack at Nova. Now that you don't see that every day" Need to get rid of one of the 'that's.

phillberrie wrote 991 days ago

Hi,

Just finished chapter four and will watch list you and come back later.

Here are a few edits you might like to look into

Phillberrie.

---

Hi,

Askidad recommended I read your story.

Edits, comments and suggestions

Chapter 1

"quicker than a Greek poet after and epic battle". This smacks to me of being anachronistic considering the date of the setting. Just checking.

"Fires were immediate lit" should be "Fires were immediately lit" I believe.

"Granted, Immortals tended to do ..." I don't believe 'immortals' should be capitalised, especially when you are dealing with a work that also has gods.

Chapter 3

"Unfulfilled obligation negated a vampire' ability" should be "... vampire's ability"

End of chapter 3. Technically he has two obligation as he has a postcard to send as well ;-)

Chapter 4

"Cougar attack at Nova. Now that you don't see that every day" Need to get rid of one of the 'that's.

Pia wrote 992 days ago

Dear Sonia,
This kind of wit is impressive. I particularly like your punch-lines, the ones that stand alone. If you were a musical composer, which you may be, these would be the drum-rolls. I was gripped by the immediacy of the ancient scene, only to come into 2009 in the second chapter, experiencing the same sense of actually being there and watching the scene. Brilliant writing.
Pia (Ashen) Course of Mirrors

jasouders wrote 992 days ago

This will def. be going on my shelf. I love a good vampire story and from what I've read, only the first few chapters, this is hands down the best I've read in regards to them. Great job. The writing is tight and flows and everything else was close to perfect. Great job. :)

SHRous wrote 992 days ago

Normally I try to read all, but I've been sick so I don't have the strength to sit and stare at the screen. I did get through Ch. 3, and I like the entire premise of the book. The pitch caught my eye (would love to read about that misunderstanding in Jericho) and it was worth the time to read it. I think you've done a great job creating the characters. Shelved.

Maria Luisa Lang wrote 992 days ago

Dear Sonia, Two words come immediately to mind: original and funny. Indeed, your story is so original partly because it’s extremely funny: you seem to have created your own genre--vampire comedy. But there are others reasons why this is very refreshing and appealing, among them your use of both historical and contemporary events.

I like the backstory, and there’s an inescapable logic to casting a vampire in the role of historian: you give a whole new meaning to the term firsthand account. I also like how you bring Jack’s story up to date by having him witness a more recent occurrence in roughly the same place. It’s centuries later, but things haven’t really changed all that much: you first give a history lesson, then a lesson about the nature of history.

Another thing I like a great deal is that you write vividly and gracefully: you have not only a great imagination and a wonderful sense of humor but also considerable skill.

This is a stunning book. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Bob Steele wrote 995 days ago

Keeper of the Tribe is a witty, well-written book with an interesting storyline. Narrative and dialogue are crisp and skilfully interwoven, and the characters spring readily to life. No nits to pick. Shelved, and good luck with taking this forward.

mikegilli wrote 995 days ago

On the shelf. the first chapter floored me.
Loved the humour and crazy one liners. Then out
into the modern world. What an amazing wacky story.
Lots of luck with jack Quick!...................Mikey (The Free)

Phil Rowan wrote 995 days ago

I loved your pitch for Keeper of the Tribe, Sonia, and your writing delivers: it's very good. Jack Quick's 3000 year career from Alexander in Babylon to Mrs Pilkin's Culinary College in Liverpool is an instant draw, along with Grace Weir's disillusionment at the way her good Samaritan act is received. One small point: try to get rid of the distractingly large gaps between your paragraphs. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Zeta Pi wrote 997 days ago

I was drawn to your pitch and captured by the visual and well-considered quality of your writing. Very intriguing character in Jakura - I'd read on so I'm shelving for a spell.

ZP - A Growing Menace

Steve Ward wrote 999 days ago

Sonia,
Welcome to the world of writing. You have an exciting story here and I see below you have learned a lot already. Dont get frustrated with the editing comments. Make sure you write the story all the way through before you worry about editing. The creative work is the hardest. Then sit with an experienced writer and work on clean up. Normally we dont use parens in novels to set off related thoughts. Do it like this: lifting her hip (and Jakora's) off use the double dash lifting her hip -- and Jackora's -- off. Also the spacing above makes it hard for me to see scene breaks. Use this to break scenes *** When you are writing a scene make sure only one character has the point of view POV, ie only one character per scene sees, feels, thinks. . . That allows the reader to climb into one body and become part of the action. Keep up the good work and good luck with your book.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

B. J. Winters wrote 1000 days ago

The voice in chapter 1 was difficult for me to get into. The quote didn't flow well, and the writting felt a bit over the top to me. I read your chapter 9 and really liked it -- I then noticed chapter 1=former prologue and nodded my head. It's a tough dilemna.

Back to chapter 9. It was very approachable, softer in tone. I could relate to the scene. Dialogue flowed well. I particularly liked the "artist/canvas" imagery. The closing paragraph in particular was very appropriate. I felt a sense of satisfaction and yet felt that I should turn the page. Closings are tough, so kudos there.

My only suggestion would be to watch the one line paragraph. They are great for emphasis, but be sure you don't overuse them (unless it's a style thing). They do make the writing a bit more choppy and they can tire the reader.

But again, enjoyed what I read. Good luck with it.

BJ Alexander wrote 1001 days ago

Hi Sonia,

I don't usually read vampire stories but on this site, it's inevitable, I think! (notice the exclamation point!) That said, I did enjoy this. You have a style that's light, even comedic at times, which I didn't expect but had me smiling more than once. i.e. the lines: "It seemed like the intrepid journalist was looking for a ride out of town. Either that or he was the world's worst car thief." The unexpected insertion of lines like that illustrate your lack of fear and natural ability to bring fun to a genre that is otherwise dark and harrowing. It's a new take on an old genre. And I like it very much.

A couple niggles: In ch1, "... icy dew peppered..." sounded odd to me as if the metephor doesn't quite work. Also in the first paragraph, you say it's a new morning and then right below it: "Dawn was still several hours away." So what time was it?!

I'll back this. ~Barb

Urania wrote 1002 days ago

Hi Sonia, I love your take on the vampire genre. I also adore mythology as you might imagine from my own writing. Great characters, strong plot developing here, and superb narration. Shelved with pleasure.

msm0202 wrote 1003 days ago

Sonia,
Whether you call it a prologue or chapter one, it works for me—and frankly, without it, the transition to chapter one (now chapter two) would not be nearly as dramatic. You set the tone so vividly with ancient Persia. I love the dialogue, with lines like this: "The Gods have nothing to do with my fortunes," Jakora replied. "They piss on me."

Next, you seamlessly move us into present day.

From what I've read so far, this is one of the better books on authonomy.
Shelved.
Mark

Sonia Pedemont wrote 1003 days ago

What Sonia Has Learned Since The Last Four Chapters:

1. Random Mesopotamian Historians will suddenly come out of the woodwork to point out glaring inaccuracies in your prologue.

2. Nobody likes a prologue anymore. It’s all about the CHAPTER ONEs now.

3. Exclamation marks are like super powers. They must only be used sparingly and with good reason!!!! (!!!)

4. Information Dump Syndrome does exist and there is no cure, only constant vigilance.

Ashley Z wrote 1004 days ago

I really like the set up here. I also love your main charrie Jack. he's a unique sort! :) I want to bug you for more! Give me more. I suck with the feedback tonight as I'm exhausted from school!

JonathanW wrote 1006 days ago

good stuff, your witty pitch drew me in to a story packed with vivid characters. Plus being a Classical Studies graduate I could hardly resist the ancient/historical references, could I? Reminds me of prime David Gemmell but with your own unique spin on it. It's going on my shelf.
Jonathan.

cara_ruegg wrote 1006 days ago

"The red sun of Elam" -- i loved that.
The dialouge was very good. defiantly reflects the time period.
"they did not eat; they did not sleep; and they did not die." -- loved that line! very well done
shelved.

DMC wrote 1007 days ago

Sonia

Wonderful pitch and premise! How can I resist?
And ooh, this is good reading. Intriguing set up and action early on. I’m hooked. I love the Keeper concept, a timeless guardian of a special book. That has an almost mythological feel to it. It puts over a message about the writer too – something unique and worthy of the test of time. Oh my! That was just the prologue too. I’ll be back soon for another bite.
I like it, I have shelved it and I wish you all the best for the future.
I would buy this book.
David
Green Ore

Krista Darrach wrote 1009 days ago

Keeper of the Tribe--
Sonia,
Well the comment I left crashed with the site yesterday. ;-(
So I will keep this short.
I think you've done a great job - and I love the premise and take on the Vampire scene.
This isn't my genre, but it didn't matter much, because you held my attention and kept me reading.
Great job and taking (another) spin on my shelf!
Wish you all the best!
~Krista Darrach

Valentina wrote 1012 days ago

Hi!

I like the prologue!

Ooo, gory opening there. Very vivid though, and your language use is excellent, in my opinion.
Interesting revelation and story to Solume, the idea of being ‘inducted’ is interesting.

This is almost like a mix of historical fiction with fantasy!

The actions of Solume and her interaction with her relations is unpredictable and ominous. She is a complex and compelling character. Though I don’t like her, I hope we aren’t meant too!

I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read, and find the characters intriguing and interesting. I love your pitch, so I’m sure the rest of this book will be excellent too.

Happy to give a spin on the shelf, best of luck x

Observations:
‘He was also possessed of - doesn’t make sense‘…just ‘he also possessed’ makes sense.
‘Could not travel easily or travel alone’ - don’t need to repeat travel…just, ‘could not travel easily or alone.’

soutexmex wrote 1012 days ago

I am here in regards to our read swap agreement. I read the first two chapters and was quite taken with the story. Excellent idea and one in which you execute very well. My only niggle is that maybe you begin a paragraph too many with 'Jack'.

I liked the short pitch, not such a fan of the longer pitch.

The paragraphs are short and keep the pacing going forward so you are good to go there.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Cas P wrote 1013 days ago

Hi Sonia. Sorry it's taken me a while to get here for our read-swap. Especially as this is so good!

I admire the way you launch straight into the story yet still manage to slip the essential backstory in. No great info dumps, just little snippets which give us just the right amount of information. The menace and suspense is slipped in too, until Solume arrives, of course! Then it's pure action, and brilliant action as well.

This is so different from the normal vampire fare yet it doesn't transcend the commonly-held 'knowledge'. You have attributed a quality to them which no one else has achieved. Your prose is easily absorbable and the dialogue feels right. All in all this is a very readable book and I'm sure it will go far. On my shelf to help you on your way.
Best of luck,
Cas.
(KING'S ENVOY)

morningside wrote 1014 days ago

Fantastic! I love the setting you've chosen for your vampires.

You'll have to give me a few seconds, because your story has rendered me speechless.


Okay. So your vampires are the real deal. No sunlight, bloodthirsty killers, and- thank the Lord- they don't sparkle. I love the air of royalty you've given them, and the properness in their speech. It all flows together so perfectly. This should, and will, make it to a publisher because talent like this should not going unnoticed.

Basically, I love it. Though I'm a little biased about vampires, because I write about them myself and adore the myths, even without that love, your book would still hook me and keep me buried in your words.
Shelved, of course!

Ashley | Morningside

Alecia Stone wrote 1016 days ago

Hi Sonia,

This is an intriguing story.

“Yes, cousin. I did see some of your grand-nieces(.)” She nodded. Unless it’s a dialogue tag he/she said, use a period to end the dialogue.

You are a natural storyteller. This is a fantastic story with so much energy. Your characters felt real and the dialogue was spot on. You have a way of pulling the readers in and keeping them glued. Nicely done.

Very well written. This should go very far.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Cellardoor wrote 1016 days ago

Sonia, sorry it took me so long to comment! I wanted to read the prologue and all 4 tabs!

I adore this :) Exceptional writing and would be hugely appealing in today's market! I've always loved vampire stories and this one is quite different - so much angst and emotion, beautiful imagery and a strong narrative voice! It needs a tightening(certain parts could be shortened to quicken the pace a little) but all in all, a great read. You have my backing and I will recommend this to fellow authonomites!

Please message me when you post more as I would like to read on with this. Glad I came for the swap, hope you enjoy Dreamgate!
Melanie x

AnnEnglish wrote 1017 days ago

Keeper of the Tribe -- Pedemont

It'll do. A professional edit will remove three-quarters of the information dump and replace it with snappy dialogue, but even as it is it gets a place on the rotating bookshelf.

Best wishes
Ann

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