Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Steve,

Christina is the girl all us females secretly wish we were. :) You were meant to write action, but you have the ability to pull at our heartstrings too. I was so mad when the prologue stopped! You can't do that to us!!

Way to rip our hearts out from the beginning--giving Christina depth and our sympathy right off the bat with her mom. Makes us love our MC from the start. The writing is beautiful with Christina's first jump. Smooth transition going into first person with Heather, I thought that was cool.

'All I could see was a lot of blue hair'--hah! that made me laugh. :) Ooo, the dream is really freaky, love that. Love the friendship between the three girls--being a guy, I'm impressed how you've captured that friendship. It works really well :)

Holy intense scene with Jessica and Christina barging in there with the gun ... WOW! I couldn't read fast enough. Love how you reiterate Christina's mothers words, brings us back to the purpose behind her. Love the destiny stuff. The flying lessons were fun, I just love Christina's aggressive character!

Steve, you are fabulous. Loving this read. Very professional and ready to be read worldwide. Great work.
~Morgan

Steve,

Action and tension from the outset but made compelling by the obvious authority behind the detailed descriptions selected for plane and parachute descent. Not having myself parachuted, I was fascinated to share Christina's experience; the more so because of the initial entanglement and, in particular, her subsequent confrontation with the approaching "one hundred and sixty horsepower fan" of the approaching Cessna.
Will they both "hit the dirt" ? Will vengeance be that of hers or her predator? I hung on the end of a short but wholly justified Prologue.
The flashback to Christina's childhood in the first scene of Chapter 1 brings her need to stand up for herself against adversity fully into context as I shared her indignation and loss on witnessing the burial of her mother, here a victim of cancer - a bacterial predator we might say.
Cancer - and I've lost a father and a brother to it in the last five years - is a highly emotive subject when it hits within a family but, without melodrama, you capture this emotion in the dialogue between Christina and her mother just prior to the latter's death with the symbolism of the flowers "sweet... but sickening" and then "all gonna die, just like Mom".
Your next scene therefore follows so naturally from Christina's pain where now on her first parachute jump "the gut wrenching pain she felt with the death of her mother had temporarily vanished" and so I can appreciate the link between the dramatic events of the Prologue and their root in Christina's attitudes and emotions forged from loss in her early childhood. Shelved.
Ray

Steve,

Thank you so much for introducing me to your story. I absolutely loved it. This is exactly the kind of story I would pick out from my local bookstore. Your female characters were wonderful, each strong in their own way. The plot was incredible, every chapter pushed me to read more and more. I loved Lazer and his good ole boy attitude. And I love the fact that Christina accepted him, language flaws and all. The deep bond between the girls was an inspiration and I was delighted that they found Jessica's treasure at the end.

Your book is wonderfully written and the detail you put into the flight scenes immediately engaged my imagination. You most definitely have a winner here. I am going to keep my eye out at the bookstore for it, because I know this is going to be grabbed up quickly.

Best of luck to you.
Mrs. Parker

Hi Steve - I finished this book early this morning - was up all night. I love it when I lose all track of time and get lost in a story. This is one that caused me to pause after the very last sentence when I looked up to figure out where I was and what day of the week it was.
I'll say it again - can't wait to see it on my bookshelf and I'm SO going to be Christina when I grow up!
Donna

Whew! Hellova opening. I also used the italics thing for ' thinks' :) canned it at the advice of editors and can see why. My editor said it's like assuming readers are stupid, and they aren't are they ;) Good luck with this.

WOW congrats Steve, I am reading your work and just grabbed. I cannot follow comments that have been given by HC but they are true. BEST OF Luck

I like this story (I didn't realize you had a star until I scrolled down to write this comment and saw the Harper/Collins note but realize now you probably don't want any more comments). I did read this, tho, so I'll add a short comment none the less. I think Christina is a great character; aside from her nightmares, she's the type of character women want to follow (because they'd like to be like her). Your background in the way of airplanes makes all of this sound authentic. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Steve -

One of the biggest hurdles for writers who are experienced in a largely technical field and trying to discuss it with their readers is their prose invariably turns into techno-babble.

Yours is definitely not the case. There is no question you know your way around a plane, as well as what keeps it in the air, and you convey this knowledge in a way that makes for a hell of a read.

I cut my teeth on Hardy Boys and Tom Swift - books full of chums inventing things, flying around in their private airplanes and capturing dastardly people.

Trust me, Tom Swift would have gotten his butt kicked by your MC and her 'chums'.

Backed.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

I enjoyed your prologue and, as like you, I am a very busy editor, self employed, I only have time for reading a small amount of a work before I decide to back it or not.

I think the old maxim that we are too close to our work to see it, is true. As an editor you must have turned many a paragraph around to make the action happen on the page rather than be told, but as a writer you have failed to see this in your own work.

Though of course, you may be a 'grammatical' editor rather than a 'creative writing', one.

Here is how I think you could introduce a, 'show, don't tell', to the last paragraphs of yor prologue, I use these as an example as I can see them from where I am typing.

The cowling of the one-hundred-sixty horsepower fan came into her view. Terror gripped her. The grinding blades mocked her. The expression on the face at the window no longer that of a victim, but ugly with murderous intent.

*'Oh Shit!'*

Her eardrums splintered. Her body jolted. The scream came from the depth of her bowels but did not register above the roar of the approaching plane. *'God help me!'*

She swung both legs straight up in an action a gymnast would take. The spinner shot beneath her torso. It sucked her forward and then dropped her to dangle unable to manoevre out of the way of his second approach.

The ground loomed. Would he risk crashing and killing himself as well?

Guilt assailed her as familiar words laughed at her. They told her, she could be dealt her own brand of justice: "Vengeance is mine! Sayeth the Lord."

This example also ups the pace. Pace is a vital ingredient of a thriller. Or if the whole isn't a thriller, any scene that depicts frightening events should have its pace upped to evoke maximum tension in the reader. Make them feel they just jumped on a roller coaster. And the 'Show, don't tell, of such scenes brings the readers sences alive. Let them feel the fear of an engine coming towards them, don't tell them about it.

I hope you see what I am getting at as I think your whole prologue could snap off the page if you applied this technique to it from the beginning.

If I can be of any further help please contact me, My best wishes, Mary.

Your book is backed.

Having been a Special Forces jumper, I don't think I would have done the jump Christina did unless it was for operational needs. Speed to fast,and opening at 1000 feet would leave you with very little time for safety. Was this her 1st jump? But a good chapter and will read more.

Congratulations on the HC Review.

Hey when you make any changes let me know because i'd like to see how you're able to work in the HC commentary. Excellent book by the way. backed it from pretty much the day i logged in

If you get a chance i've been working on changing a few of the beginning chapters of the Immortals: Changeling and wanted to see if you'd have another read through and let loose on the constructive criticism

thx
Dawn

Hi Steve,

Sorry this has taken so long.

I've only had time to read the prologue and the first chapter but based on what I've read so far it seems to be a great story and I can see why it has made it to the top.

I'm not sure the prologue is necessary, but it's your story.

Good luck with it.

Ron

I didn't like the idea of a prologue, but then that is just me. Likewise the swearing. Having said that I loved the book. There was lots of action and plenty of dilemmas. it is good to see a female charactor being so strong and being the main character. I read this in 2 days and really enjoyed it, I couldn't stop reading.

As a teacher, I wish the book was suitable for children. This has all the elements teachers want for a children's story, action and dilemas. Perhaps you could write one for children? Girls inparticular to could with all action female heros like these.

Sorry I am so late reading it, I have beenv ery busy, writing book 3 of my series and trying to find an agent.

Always very nice to meet a brave heroine rather than some of the other supposed females in some novels I have been reading lately. This is a wonderful change of pace and Christina is my new hero!

I love it! Thanks for letting me read it. It is simply wonderful.

I love it! Thanks for letting me read it. It is simply wonderful.

I love it! Thanks for letting me read it. It is simply wonderful.

I am not suprised this is on the editors desk, nor will I be suprised if it becomes a book rather quickly (I mean I know its a book, I meant in the stores lol) . Christina is a marvelous heroine and you wrote her with the same insight that a woman would and PLEASE take that as the compliment it was meant to be. Never to sleep again what a nightmare, and a tough smart female heroine with stones, well on behalf of your female writers past and present, THANK YOU
Kathleen

Steve, I can see why you book reached #1. It gets going at 100 mph and doesn't stop! This book is terrific! Congratulations! Backed.
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

I think I've read and already commented on this book but what the heck, I can do that again!.:)...This book is awesome. Loved christina! and glad to see that she isn't a whinny, boring and self deprecating heroine! The tale is gripping, exciting and sucks the reader right in...It's brilliant.
~all the best.
TAB

I think I read your book and commented on it too but oh well! what the heck, i can do it again.:). It's simply awesome! I love christina! I'm glad she isn't the whinny boring heroine. Loved the first chapter! It's exciting, thrilling and sucks the reader right in. You have done a brilliant job.
all the best.
~tab

Just read Chapter 1. I find the dialogue kinda cheesy at times - don't know if that's what you're going for. I like the action - the knowledgeable use of terminology really gives this an air of authority which is important for it to work. But I think it feels a little researched at times - not because of an over use of terminology, but for a lack of sensory description. Without slowing the pace down could you maybe tell us more about how this feels. You mention a 'sharp chill' which I like, and the deafening roar of the air, but i think more of a sensory overload would make this scene more frantic.

Good luck with the editors desk thing. This isn't really my kind of story, but it is very well written, and so I'll back it. all the best, alex.

Hi Steve, have put you on my shelf. Hope this helps. If you can reciprocate...I need all the support I can get cheers Chris1

Hi Steve
The prologue was excellent! It pulled me in instantly. I wanted to know more about this woman who would do something so extreme and dangerous. The description of her mothers fateful discovery of her cancer and the childs distress pulled right at my heart strings. I can see why this has done well.
Thanks
Jenba

Airborne vengeance, a 9,500 foot nearly-botched parachute jump, then the predator becomes the prey. A heart-pounding intro then the reader discovers it’s only a dream…or is it real or a foreshadow of things to come?

You set the hook nicely propelling the reader to the next chapters like the acceleration of turbo prop.

Backed with pleasure,
Galen Watson
(The Psalter)

Airborne vengeance, a 9,500 foot nearly-botched parachute jump, then the predator becomes the prey. A heart-pounding intro then the reader discovers it’s only a dream…or is it real or a foreshadow of things to come?

You set the hook nicely propelling the reader to the next chapters like the acceleration of turbo prop.

Backed with pleasure,
Galen Watson
(The Psalter)

Christina is a great character. And you get in her head very well. And your a guy! Nice! I really liked that we jumped into action right away. I thought she was going to die! And then the saddness. Youre talent bounces off the pages. This is a great stroy!

S. Ridley

Hi Steve,, I swear I've already backed you but now I think about it I might have backed someone I saw on your book shelf! Sorry, I'm still a relative newbie! I dipped in to Chapter 7 and it's clear you know your stuff. Characterisation, dialogue, all spot on but -pllleasse tell me you have a glossary planned somewhere, preferably with pictures (and a DVD). Anyway, happy to back the book. All the best, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Adrenaline pumping opening! Very fluid narrative, great charcters and dialogue. you're knowledge of the subject matter is immpressive as well as the descriptions of parachuting and aircraft. Can see why this is number one.

Best of luck with the editors.

He worked all the time, but as guilt offerings he delivered spectacular birthdays. (A little bit of literary awesomeness).

I like the way your protag has those little moments of hesitation, as we all would, but then decides to not just go for it, but really GO for it, as shown in the prologue first, despite the almost impossible escape she shouts out – "Audios, Weston!" and in her jump in Chapter one, when she finally let go and left the plane yelling…"Bonzaii!!!" Here is a character that is human, but tough, and you stuck that characterization in there via action, not telling us, we therefore see her as strong not because you are explaining how she's strong, but in the way she handles her predicaments.

I assume she got the "crash course" on skydiving and this was NOT her first dive as you go on your first with, or harnessed, to another, right?

Instead of "Yahoo" at the end of the 2nd chapter, perhaps "Yes" would be a more age-appropriate expletive. I am only going by what I might hear one of my 4 teenage sons say. It would be something like YES!, THAT FREAKIN' ROCKED!, BALLER! something like that.

I got a little confused with the retelling of the story about Christina meeting Heather, it switched tenses first of all, and the story could be retold without the author input or (your input) for example: "So they were all calling her "Amazon Girl" –shits, but there was something about her, something that forced me to step in and stop that crap. I grabbed the paper, smiled, then winked at her and whispered, "wanna have some fun?" Of course she got it, so just like we'd planned it out beforehand, I grabbed one of the scums and bent him over and Christina, taking it as her cue, kicked his ass, but not just kicked his ass, she like propelled him down the hall- kicked his ass …" or something like that. It makes it sound more real – teen lingo-ish, and that way you won't be switching POVs – and adding the observations which would not come from a retelling of a story. (I couldnt help but notice a certain sadness in her eyes...I told her, you know they call you Amazon... - it just doesnt quite fit the retelling of a tale amongst teens. But that is only MY opinion, you know what they say, in fact, I think, dont quote me on this quote, but I think Stephen King said if a bunch of people bring something up as a problem, it is a problem, but if only one person mentions it out of dozens, ignore it if you wanna. Or something like that.

Loved the three amigos in the hot tamale! (Another bit of literary awesomeness!) GOOD imagery there.

"All I could see was a lot of blue hair" – made me LOL, cause sometimes (not to incriminate myself) but sometimes that is all we remember of it. Too too funny.

I found it very interesting how you could put both action, major action, and emotion together and weave them together so skillfully. Showing it can be done Clancy. (oops, who said that?) That is HARD to do especially in the opening chapters which is where it NEEDS to be done to drum up sympathy for your protag. Your writing is polished and smooth, I sense a lot of experience behind those words, I've told other people on here that it only takes a few pages before you can guess how many years they've been at their craft. Because the fact of the matter is, with everything we write, we get better and better and I suspect you've got a few behind you. I am so happy to have had a chance to review this, and I look forward to coming back to it to see what you do with it. But for now, happily shelved and backed. Congrats!!!

Kim Jones
Children of the Damned

I can see why this is such a popular book because it's absolutely brilliant! I've only read the 1st chapter and I'm thrilled! because it's captivating, exciting and flows smoothly. Christina is so awesome! She's likable and exudes cool!.:). off to read the rest of the chap!
~tab

Steve
Having finally found time to read some of your book, I've found it to be excellent and obviously everyone else agrees! Christina is a great character and reminds me a little of Lara Croft. As with a few other books I've read on here, I can picture this as a film and a very successful one at that. Good luck this month.
Sue
Theo the Immaculate

Hi Steve,

From the opening lines this book grabs the reader by the scruff of the neck and drags them along for the ride. As Christina dangles ‘flailing like a rat suspended by its tail’ the tension rises and as she gets free and the chute opens I thought there was a minute to catch my breath, but no … damn, if a book can get under the skin of the reader within a couple of hundred words it tells me a lot about why it is right at the top of the pile.

I suspect there is not much I can say that hasn’t been said in almost 1000 comments, and the polished prose, characterisation and story telling are all first class. I hope for and expect this to be published and I, among many others no doubt, will shell out a few quid for what would be well worth the money.

Good luck!
Dave

I only read the first two chapters. I can now see why this has been such a popular book. Although I was regularly saying to myself, this is slightly over the top, it does make for excitment and a desire to know what happens next. As one would expect, the writing appeared to me to be excellent and certainly no typos etc. I would forcast this book twill 'make it' and indeed sell very well. Backed, BADD

ed's desk... good luck

Hi Steve. I read a couple of chapters of Revenge this afternoon and am happy to back it. I was particularly impressed by how convincing the technical detail was, which made everything else fall into place. Good Luck on the editor's desk.

Steve,
Some little comments:
(1)Would an eleven-year-old get away with saying to her father, 'Why is everyone so fucking lame?' or, for that matter, would she even use it?
(2)'"What?" she shouted.' Perhaps she exclaimed or asked anxiously.
Otherwise, in the succeeding chapters you've got a firm grasp on everything. The plot's good and the writing's excellent. Backed and good luck!
Lori Buckman

Beautiful work. The first chapter brought me to tears. Hope I have time to come back for more soon. In the meantime, on my shelf. Best of luck!

Reese

Hello - Chapter 4 is a cracker, filled with pace, dialogue and most important action - here you give the story the direction it needs and tells us heaps about Chrstina, her friends and her upbringing. You write enthusiastically here and depict 'Roy' horribly well. From here on the story becomes a thirller and is an interesting read. Best of luck on the editor's desk.

I just got your message Steve and am happy to add my backing. With 892 comments already and being a professional editor you don't need anything from me other than to congratulate you on reaching your well deserved and hard earned goal.

John

Hey Steve.

I read the first 8 chapters and I will be back for more. Because I promised to squeeze you in, it's late over here but I still find myself wanting to go on. Not to mention now that Lazer has entered the story! Very interested in seeing where that leads. I am so not going to look over your other comments because I don't want them to spoil my read :)
I loved the fact that Christina actually tried to shoot Jessica's step-father! I was hoping she would as the other option would have been typical. Not to mention the fact that she was smart enough to earse the tape.

The only thing that didn't appeal to me might be all the flight details but I understand the purpose. I've simply never been that into so much detail that I know nothing about. So that's not a bad comment, just me. :)
It shows you've put a lot of work into understanding how flying is actually done and I admire that.

I'm backing the book with a promise to finish the book a little later when I have more time. (It's late over here and I do have to show up for work tomorrow.)

I wish you all the luck in the world on the editioral desk.

Haley Brite - Hart
ps. hope this message isn't full of typeos :)

Definitely time to push the panic button. I've still got a long way to go with TPD, but I know you're not going to let me down. Just loved the opening.

Happily shelved.
Nicholas ("The Warlock" - Horror)

A feeling of panic … ribs
<>
Panic wedged itself firmly between her ribs (subordinating strong nouns to verbs/nouns of perception blunts the power of the strong noun and weakens focus)

She was able to force …
<>
She forced (similar to above, the able weakens the strength of what would be a very evocative verb while adding little, if she was able to, then she did, so skip the able and get right to the doing.)

Flopped in chaos,
<>
Flopped chaotically/wildly

Shock seized … brain
<>
Her brain was in shock (too dramatic a moment for syntax so cumbersome, if every reach of her brain is in shock, her brain is shock. The extra words add no meaning.)

As the grinding blades approached
<>
As the whirling blades approached (prop blades don’t grind, they whirl; accurate word selection trumps novelty)

The entire … was illusory (loses point of view and blunts what till now has been a really riveting scene.)
<>
She awoke with a story from the nightmare

Critique: Wow! This was a really gripping opening. Definitely makes me want to turn the page and find out how it all came to be. Basically, too, the writing is strong, though you occasionally weaken focus and rhythm by subordinating the strong words as noted above.

Marc

Steve,
I enjoyed reading this: the opening in particular is first class, and the attempted rape scene generates a lot of tension.
If I have a quibble, it would be that there are too many flash-backs, particuarly in chapter 1. You flash back from the prologue to the grave side, then from there to where her mother tells her about the cancer... then forward again. To me, it would improve the flow if these bits were skipped and the information about her mothers death, her fathers grief, etc. communicated in some other way - through dialogue with her friends, perhaps?
One thought I had was that you could go directly fromt the prologue to her first parachute jump, which might make a good link.
Having said all that, it's obviously doing quite well anyway, and fully deserves it's place at the top! Well done, and best of luck. On my shelf.
Paul T.

What an opening Steve! Test Pilot's daughter sounds like it's going to be action all the way.

Adrenaline soaked - Great scene setting, and very well written. PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON NOW!!!

Ben.

This is great Steve! Like really good stuff! The prologue was intensely good, already fulfilling the promise that the novel would be full of good action packed stuff! After reading the first chapter, I know I will have to come back to read more. You have started a plot that I think will take a bit to unfold. Good writing my friend!

-Alexander Pyles: A King Created

Holy smokes. You have 8 pages of comments!
Your story is great! No wonder you made it to your Top Dog position!
Everyone loves a relatable heroine, and as everyone on her has said, Christine is definitely that.
I skipped from chapter 6 to 16, so I lived through the drug runner scene ... pretty intense!! But very well done. I was on the edge of my seat through that one - and ... oh. I'd better not say anything about Jessica. Wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone!
You know what? The only question I had, Steve, was that when I started reading the book, I thought it was going to be a YA book. It starts with the death of her mother, but her reactions are, of course, those of an eleven year old. So I was all settled in for a gentle read, when Roy popped in. I suppose that will be sorted out when you are published, but I really wondered which audience you were going for.
I'm not a Prologue fan. I had one on mine originally, then moved it to Chapter two. I found I was confusing too many people, and I was definitely confused during yours. Everything picked up like crazy in chapter 1, but to be honest, I was lost in the prologue. It seemed to me like there were 3 or 4 people in the cockpit, and who was killing who and ... sorry!
I hope you don't mind those comments. I'm not so great at shutting up ... or so my hubby says.
Thanks for backing Under The Same Sky. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. That means a lot, coming from such an accomplished author as yourself. :)

Hi Steve,
All the best with this, people are obviously loving it, so you definitely have something here.
I have to admit, it's not my sort of book, though I understand how popular a thrilling read like this is.
For me, I felt you should hold back more on answering the questions you raise. I'd probably cut practically all the dialogue from the Prologue. Maybe just mention "Doctor." And then answer all those questions that will be going through our minds as we watch the action of the book unfold.
I did want the type of plane set more because I wondered how, if she's flying the plane, can she open a door and then push it open and wouldn't it be plummeting down with the time she takes to get out?
You have 'bastard' and 'bitch' in the first two short paragraphs which I thought over the top, but is that intentional?

There were a few phrases that I found I wasn't sure of, but this could be the intended style for the prologue. ( eg. 'Nothing could steal her grit... dazed,confused.")

Chapter one.
I'd put 'Christina' where you have the first 'her.'

Eleven and she says 'fucking?' Maybe from her background and circumstances.

I really like the 'refused the tears.'

I'm sorry, it isn't what I'd read, but can see it works for the genre.

all the very best with it,
Ruth
(Erosion and Leaving Coty)

Hello,

I was wondering if you would check out my collection of short stories, if you have the time. I would appreciate your insight.

May This Letter Find You Well,

Tommy

Heh.

Steve. I haven't read the comments you've received, but I don't think I need to. There's nothing I could say that would be beneficial to you...you know what you're doing. I saw ONE typo...but wasn't looking all that hard. I was too busy enjoying your novel. Good job, and best wishes to you as you chase your dreams. I'll look forward to picking up a copy of The Test Pilot's Daughter in a book store. Maybe you'll even have a signing up here in Maine?

:o)

Karen

This has all the elements of a bestseller: action, tragedy, witty dialogue, and a great heroine. I can't give any advice because you've nailed it. I would be interested in knowing how long it too you to write/re-write since it's very polished. Good luck with the editors.

Okay, and we have a viable reason you're on the top spot of the ED! This is awesome. You promised a ride and you delivered, Bravo!

chp 22 --para - The scene of the doomed aircraft...etc Line-- He loooked as thoug(h)
I have read through most and skimmed through some chapters and this story will please a lot of people and could sell well. It is not really my type of read -- the 'thriller' tag drew me in; my preferred choice of book, but this will have a good audience, and good writing by the way.
Initially I wasn't sure whether I liked the prologue at all with regard to the problems she had escaping, getting cut and too many difficulties - weird way to kill somebody and no guarantee his plane won't get noticed and his body, the seat and of course at least one of the handcuffs are found soon after explosion or not, therefore she should have made sure no fingerprints at least -- just me being picky I suppose but wouldn't take much to adjust with latex gloves or similar. Wish you luck, Jim