Castell Brenin

Very interesting premise and quite a challenge to bring these 4 people together to bring about your eventual conclusion, be that whatever it is. From what I have read there are already a remarkable number of routes that the story could take. This is wonderfully descriptive writing, good characterisation and great interaction. I am sure I am not the only one who is very curious as to how this will turn out. Backed.

This was pleasing to read.
The start is interesting. And I think your characters are well fleshed out.
The idea here is great. a Novel I would pick up in a store and buy.
i Think you have a great combination, between the sexes of the characters and what is driving each of them.
I would be hard pressed to put this down if I had it in my hands.
T.l Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I love allegories like this one, and I enjoyed reading it very much. My only complaint is that the section you put up ended too soon. I'd love to know what happens next. You have a very successful mix of characters, Ariel and Mara in the first chapter come to life easily, and the relationship between them is intriguing and effective. Add Jim and Clive to the mix and we have a great combination, bitterness, lust, pride and anger, portrayed as such real people. I love the 'gardener', and wish I could see His next meeting with these people, and how He will draw them to self discovery, and to a relationship with Him, perhaps. A lovely book, very C.S.Lewis. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

What simple and profoundly powerful allegories. I almost stopped reading early on because of the simplicity of your writing, but found the short chapters drawing me onward. This is really good writing, your message clear, and your understanding of human nature spot on. Had you posted the entire manuscript, I would not have put it down until I'd read the last word.

Best wishes for you success on this.

tyler
Never In a Million Years

Hi Alice!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

I loved the very descriptive first paragraph. But the story starts to lag as soon as you get down to Sam, and it keeps lagging in Ch 2. I think you need to stop trying so hard to include all the relationship stuff. From your first paragraph you made it sound like a great mysterious adventure, so get there fast, plunge us into the mystery and the mystical and be done with the banal chit chat, would be my preference.

FEL

What a lovely descriptive tale. I spent a relaxing ten minutes over coffee this morning reading your down-loaded srory. Although not finished, I can see the story unfolding. It helps that I love Wales! BACKED.
I dont automatically expect anyhting in return as so many seem to, but I would love you [ or kids] to read a bit of my childrens' book ; Paperbat Adventures. And let me know if it is worth backing.
All the best.
Jerry [paperbat]

These sisters were easy to like. Your dialogue is convincing and really a good introduction to their character and relationship. I like the idea of them setting off on ad adventure together. Great story.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

very lively, fresh writing - very intriguing idea, took me quite a while to return the read, glad I did. The 'visit' of the Master in chapter 4 : quite startling. Interesting treatment. Good luck with it !

Dear Alice
I enjoyed reading this - the two sisters are strong and clear characters and promise enough conflict ahead to give impetus to the storyline. I'm afraid I'm old enough to remember Clive Jenkis the union leader from the 70s and 80s so he popped straight into my head when you used the name, which wasn't a problem but did fill the character out for me in a way that you perhaps didn't imagine. A couple of minor points - in chapter 1 you use the word 'inscripted' - it should be inscibed. In chapter 2 there's an 'in' where there should an 'is' and you use the word 'wrangle' but I think you mean 'wangle'?
Good luck with this - the strength of the main characters makes it worth a good backing.
Best wishes,
Brian

This is a nice effort. I've got your back.
Please consider looking at my book, The Job.
CraigD

Hi, I can't wait to see where you are going with this. You write in a nice relaxed style but here and there you hint at romance and also at something more sinister. Of course I love its Welsh castle setting and will come back to read more chapters as you post them. Good luck with it, Maggie.

Hello Alice! This is a very promising novel, and I am backing it with pleasure! Straussy

[return comment ☼☼☼]

This one wouldn’t shout at me from a bookstore shelf, it’s not my normal read. You’ve made a fair fist of getting it going, with Ariel having to persuade her sister to go away with her, and introduced some background, but it doesn’t pull me in. And I think the writing needs a bit more polishing up. The setting confused me. You start with them obviously in a café, you say as much. The gingham table cloth confirms this. They are drinking coffee. Later, Ariel puts the dishes down by the kitchen sink. It now sounds like they are at home. And Mar is forking her “food”. If it were a cake, that would make sense, but “food”, it could be shepherd’s pie! And they are drinking coffee with it? Then we go back to “working in this coffee shop”. You say this is an allegorical tale. Maybe I have to read to the end to find out why, but from the first two chapters I can’t see what the allegory is. The dialogue is fairly good, though. I think, if you were going to attract me to your book, I would need something a bit more juicy to get me going at the start. I feel fairly rotten, since you backed Bokassa, but I’m afraid this isn’t one for my shelf. Sorry.

I’ve been thinking. The essence of the story is: girls to on a mystery holiday, get more than they bargained for. So to draw me in more effectively, why not start with the holiday?

“You know Mar, what I could do with right now is a holiday.” Ariel said, putting down her coffee. “Running this café day in day out is really getting me down.”

“You think you’re busy?”

Something along those lines with more chatty dialogue would help draw me to the focus of the story and create the characters more effectively. The dried up fountain is neither here nor there, as far as I can see.

beatifully put together - am not good at long comments so will just say - I like this. Imaginative and appealing and in my opinion - well worth the backing
andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

The dialogue between the two sisters is beautifully written. A difficult premise to write for a book and you handled it well. It's a joy to read. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This story promises to be interesting with its whimsical, yet believable tone and easy pace. It is easy to identify with the two sisters who are very normal...Backed. Please let me know if the backing didn't register.

Catherine (The Golden Thread)

Dear Alice, Thanks you for your message & backing, "Tell Me True Love Stories." :) It is at the top along with the edited version #1 on Christian & close to the top in Non-Fiction, Biogragy, Romance, & the whole "genre." :) Of course, it's Jesus. :) The gospel heard round the world. :) Yes, I love Jesus & am so happy He loves me in spite of myself. :) Love, Susie :) Now, here's a Word for you: He is able to do super abundantly more than you ever dreamt or imagined according to his Spirit working in you. Nothing is too hard for Him. :)
I'll put you on my watchlist again so it will nudge you closer to the top. :)

Dear Alice, I love fiction, romance, & fantasy. :) Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue which makes me want to keep reading & reading to find out what's going to happen next. Since I've already backed your book, I'll put it on my watchlist to possibly help it advance. Thanks for backing, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." Could you take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories"
Thanks, Susie :)

Thanks for your backing, Alice.
I've looked up your story. From the pitch and first chapter, I feel it's an interesting idea that promises a good, enjoyable read. I'm placing it on my watchlist and will read it asap. Then hope to be able to make some helpful comments.
In the mean time, good luck with the writing.
Cherry G "Sister: One Woman's Journey through the Trojan War"

Hi.

I think you have a good idea here, and I will back it. However, I did not find what I consider the most important aspect of any book - the HOOK in the first chapter. Where is that "grabber" in the first chapter that makes me want to keep reading? You might want to think of a way to add that to your first chapter.

I also suggest that you read your dialogue with a critical eye. Are your characters really speaking the way you or I would?

You have an excellent idea. Stick with it.

Can you read, comment on, and back Jamie 7?

Thank you
Keep Smiling
Joseph D Palermo

Enjoyed the first 2 chapters. Backed with pleasure and good luck
Hatts

Thanks for your story, Alice. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. Please back my books.Thanks, Susie :)

I love the first chapter of this book. You immediately like the two sisters, Ariel and Mara for their bond and friendship. The writing is extremely good and moves the reader at a perfect pace to continue reading on and on.

Backed without hesitation,
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

Hi Alice,

Thanks for backing Pixellated.

If your writing has a strong Welsh connection, have you heard of Honno? May be worth checking them out?

Luk7

I like stories about everyday people living ordinary lives who then suddenly are dropped into a marvelous adventure. So I like this story a lot. You have the ability to create likable characters with just enough description I can picture them; not so much it bogs down the story. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Older sisters! Huh! (Do you know Carly Simon's song, My Older Sister? It's brilliant.) The characters in Castell Brenin leap off the page at the reader; you can almost hear their banter at the next table.

The little choreography when Clarke, Jenkins and the two girls get on the coach is so believable.

The Master being the only source of light is, by that stage in the book, also believable. And that's what worries me!

Delightful. Backed
Chris

This is a curious one - I am not sure that the combination of day-to-day realism and allegory works, but the story holds our attention and we get frustrated that it stops in mid-step. Rather short to get a sense of where we might be going next....I am backing this on the promise of more to come DB ALL THESE ARE MEMORIES OF MY VOYAGE

Alice

Thank you for backing my Hidden Scroll. I backed your Castle Brennin because your novella is unique. The Mystery weekend in the Castle is intreeguing and will appeal to any rider from Cardiff to London. How far is it? I am an ignorant author who lives in the United States where we speak a distorted English.

Avraham Anouchi
The Hidden Scroll.

Very clean professional writing. Backed with pleasure.

Alice,
A great pitch and good opening chapters has me wanting to read more. You build up the four charactersin the carriage, and I can't wait top find out what happens. What was the altercation at the bus stop? What is Clive up to, and why? I hope to come back to this later. In the meantime, I'm happy to back this.
Mark (Stand up and live)

Hello Alice,
I am always glad to back writing that had good solid dialogue. Well done.
Daniel “Storykeeper”

Great concept on having it able to read on a timed journey. The story is well plotted as well as the characters. Good luck!

Your writing has a nice easy flow to it, thoroughly enjoyed. I wish you the very best of luck with it. Kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

A lovely mix of lighthearted entertainment and mystery. One wonders what these 4 characters will get into on this outing AND what the tiff at the carriage station was all about. Ariel is so adventurous and light hearted -- out looking for fun and Mara's the old grumpus worry wart. They are a nice contrast to one another. What will happen to them all and what is the mission Clive Jenkins is on? There are lots of reasons to keep reading and your voice, although not terribly vivid in its descriptives, is clear and easy to read. I don't know what age group you're aiming at but this one would be great for youngsters from 5 to maybe 15. Backed with enjoyment!
Loving regards, Callaghan

Ah, you've brought me home to my Dad's old place in Wales. Thanks for the trip.

Good authentic dialog between sisters and the newspaper headline about the weekend away is a great hook.
Krystiana
Surviving the Earthquake

Good writing, good characterization. And the mystery begins -- the fracas with the returning passengers, Clive's secretive mission, the strange servants. An enjoyable read.

Scrumptious! I can't wait to see where this goes. Characters are believable and so far this is rich with promise! I look forward to reading further should you upload more chapters :) Backed.

E Saunders - Nightfall

Separate rooms, oil lasting one hour, extremely dark after that...chilling, but since it's allegorical, I have to imagine it will turn out alright. Excellent premise!

HJ
The Pearl Edda

This is alight and fun read that anyone can enjoy. The characters come to life from the beginning of the story and immediately find a place to settle themselves in our hearts. Your writing is clean and easy to read, with a lilting"voice" I found enjoyable. You make all the words count. Masterfully written. Shelved.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

This is very interesting indeed. I love perspective changes, certainly lends to the mystery.

H Leigh Cornwell
(Blood Descent)

I like the style, Alice. It's a period type story, and some description early on would help the feeling of involvement. Clothes etc and more characterisation. try to make them come alive. I am being critical to try and be helpful, because it has great potential.
Was their really a Fry's Five Centres? Was Enid Blyton around in that era.?
The letter from Mamm is great, poignant and emotional.
David

good job. i dont think there's any compliment i can write which others have not. it's just a really nicely written work. i would probably suggest making the quote lines spacing larger to make them more distinctive and easier to read. but then again, that could just be the import issue with authonomy.

I have to admit, I don't think I've read a book with such a Brit narrative voice before. Once I got in the swing of it, it was pretty pleasant. I did have trouble with some of the "in" terms but not enough to detract from the story. You have a great writing style and a great start to a complex and realistic sister relationship.

AR

Interesting setup and character that seem unique. Anything could happen here and you make it intriguing enough to want to know. The only question I had was about the scene with the alighting passengers. It didn't seem clear enough. I know that you don't want to give something away but I feel like there should be more there: 1-slightly clearer scene?, 2-maybe some dialogue?, 3-what was disturbing or different from other passengers? Backed.
Jenny

"I'm not taking no for an answer," she insisted, thrusting the newspaper under Maria's nose. --Lines like that are a complete testement to the fact that you can write action/dialogue. Nicely done. That keeps the story flowing, and the reader reading. It's not really my style, but the writing is so well done and easy-to-read that I've decided to back you.

This has really taken me by surprise. I had not planned to read past the first chapter, and now I find I have read all six. I feel rather like Mara and her chosen dish! I've stuffed myself but I feel I need more.
What you've written is deceptively simple, but what you've said is very clever. I loved all the descriptions of the flowers and the gardener's (Him) gentleness. I am not a religious person but I don't think that matters at all with this story. It tells us some very simple truths about the way we should try to live our lives. I for one will make sure I stop to smell the roses next time I find myself in a beautiful garden. :0)
There is a kindness in your writing that I found very heart warming.
To anyone who reads comments before the book, please read past chapter one. This story is a slow starter, it will take you gently but firmly by the collar and drag you in.

Happily placed on my shelf.

Kindest Regards,

Alethea

As I read, I felt as though I was curling up on my couch with a warm blanket. The story flowed at a good pace, the characters were likeable and their relationships believable. Ariel and Mara's interactions felt like sisters should... lovable, but slightly annoyed with eachother. Being from the US, many of the words made me smile as I tried to determine their meaning within the context. All in all, this is a wonderful read, beautifully written. I am happy to back this!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Hi Alice

The language is good old-fashioned English – I admit I had to look up quite a few thinking they were misspelled
I love the use of, what is to a North American, unusual but strangely familiar words: plonking, wended, whinged… it gives the writing warmth and charm.

I like the dialogue. It`s very difficult to write accented speech, especially a language as complex as Welsh. I spent a bit of time in Newport, Wales when I worked at a tech firm, Newbridge Networks, and visited a few pubs, of course. The speech was a treat – the rain I could have lived without though.

The story seem to just move along on its own and it was an attractive story because of the descriptions and the language but the suicide (right?) at the end of Ch4 is devastating – the lamp going out is a great metaphor.

I did find a few small nits-suggestions:
Ch2
`Shurrup, sis, I need all this, gorra look my best….¸ - comma before sis

Ch4
``For you, you mean. Dad, I hate you for this!`` - comma and a ! might work better
``what’s the matter, Gran?`` - comma
CH5
At the end:
``Love to, Jim.`` Ariel didn’t waste any time responding to his suggestion --- the second sentence seemed odd (passive voice? - perhaps: Ariel quickly agreed or something similar

Ch6
We did too, didn’t weè Jim. We didn’t see you, did we, Jim….. commas

Backed with pleasure
cheers
James

Good pitch and excellent writing style. Love the flow and subtle descriptiveness in your first chapter. The dialogue is natural as well. While fantasy is not usually my thing, I am backing this one on writing talent! Kudos and best of luck! :)

Hi Alice,

Fantastic cover, well done Bradley! Im impressed with all of his covers (and he is so nice to do them too)

Castell Brenin is easy reading with fantastic characters and the makings of a great story, intrigued to see how further chapters continue.

Backed with pleasure.

Jen
Fayalite

This is delicious. All the elements I want in a story. Backed with pleasure.
Georgina - The Time Baroness

This is great read. It left me wshing for more. I like the structure of this story and the tension that exists between the characters. I like the short chapters (my attnention span is short!). I can;t wait to read some more when you put some up.

Backed easily!

George Fripley
(Wurzel of Clutton)