Insensate

Rob, loved the cover and what's inside doesn't disappoint. It's realistic fantasy, by which I mean the characters are believable and recognisable and excellently drawn. The plot
promises to be a cracker of a mystery. Shelved.
Lynn

the prolouge was very mysterious and interesting.
Chapter one was very well written. brillant really. i liked your descriptions especially like
"Dark mottled green" -- beautiful description of the eyes all around. never heard it done so well! brillant!
"He prayed it would be dreamless" - liked this line for some reason too.
one nit when you say "john's eyes shot fully open, as his brain..." need a comma i think... and strove? idk bout that word but you decide.
shelved.
-Cara

I am selfishly taking advantage of the TSR points which will come from others who will most certainly back this book.
Shelved.

Hi there, saw your hello on the forum and popped over. My crits tend to be very honest so hope you don't mind. Feel free to ignore anything you don't like - after all, I'm no professional editor, just another struggling author.

First up, I'd honestly do some work on your pitch as it isn't clear (to this dumb reader at least!) what kind of book it is.
I think you have huge potential with this - although I'm not a fan of high fantasy I do like books which switch between the 'real' (nobody hit me here!) world and alternative realities.
The prologue didn't really grab me, if I'm brutally honest - it was a bit overwritten (something I think virtually every new author - including me - does) and was trying too hard. Check out your descriptions - are they really working? You slip into high-falutin' fantasy speak a bit - 'the evil one they sought to elude' ....
And you tell rather than show (not everyone here agrees with this but I'd much rather be shown how they were 'wrapped generously' (in what?) than be told; I'd rather see their deportment than be told 'from their deportment', ditto 'evidently dressed for battle'.
But after that you settle down and it's much more like my kind of thing....
The crash description was fabulous (I've got one too but yours knocks the spots off mine) and I liked the flashback (initially puzzled for a moment - maybe a change of font to show the dim-witted like me what you're doing?
I've read up to Chapter Four and now run out of time - but I've seen enough to think you could do great things with this (don't think you need an editor actually - hang around here and you'll learn a pile of tricks!). I'd put away six edits of my book before I came here and am now re-editing it to incorporate all the advice I've received. Advice like (guess what?) - yeah, don't overwrite, make descriptions work, cut out unnecessary adverbs and adjectives etc etc (LOL).
Huge good luck. I'm going to spin this on my shelf. Enjoy the ride!
Jane

Hi Mr. Pomeroy,

Your short pitch grabbed me right away, and your long pitch uses imagery quite well. I came to take a look at the first chapter, and was hooked through the third! Your work makes me think of Dan Brown's - and we all know that's a good thing in the publishing world! ;)

You quickly grab your reader's attention with the prologue, and then jump to introducing Jonathan with intense scenes. A sense of thrilling mystery is invoked, and now I HAVE to read more soon because I need to know what will happen!! :) Fantastic job with this!!

Shelved now, will be back for more soon! :)

Best of luck,
Sara :o)
broken angel

I offer no criticisms, just a note to inform you that I believe this work to be of publishable standard.

Hi, i think this book has obvious potential and it's not my usual type of read but I found it interesting once I'd got into it. I don't think your short pitch does it justice at all and i think that's important not just for this site but if you want to sell it to anywhere else you have to sell it quickly as a concept. The long pitch also could need some work. You have interesting characters, and a good plot so just fix the pitches. Backed with pleasure.

excellent prologue – dramatic, simple, very effective .

jonathon’s accident – the stream-of-consciousness thought, the mixing it up with reality as he comes to and half recognises where he is, what is happening... very graphic and puts us well and truly into the action of the scene .

the suggestion of a secret shared by jon and his wife – their reluctance around medics... hint that he could heal himself if he wished...?? – draws the reader on

the wholly different atmosphere of the scene with the congregation, the chosen – the altered language, the descriptive setting – some wonderful imagery here – “and then a gust blows away the leaves, and she can see neither beast nor plant there . nothing grows or lingers where the tree alone has rights to the earth’s nutrients . it is perhaps a figment of the imagination .” – this is lovely writing and the contrast between this world and its parallel is strong and works brilliantly .

this is a great read – wish i had time for more – i am putting it on my rotating shelf and wish you luck with it .

freddie
("honour")

Dear Rob, Love the mystery evolving here. It already holds the reader so that you want to read on. The prologue is fascinating especially in the light of what comes next. Shelved with pleasure.
Hilary Waters (The Piazza)

You use very vivid imagery that moves the story along at a fast-paced. Very well-written. Your characters are flesh and blood, really come to life on the page. A very intriguing mystery. WL

Comments on Prologue and Chapter 1 (Authonomy 1 and 2)...

Interesting start. One or two superfluous words/clauses/sentences here and there (see if you can take a word out of your sentences and still have it make sense). E.g. you mention the meeting is going to be boring, then tell us fibre optics isn't exciting, then that "weird" people might think they're exciting... Look at every sentence and ask yourself two questions.

1. Does this line tell the reader info important to plot and/or character?
2. Does this line tell the reader something he doesn't know, or can't guess from inference?

If the answer to both is no, consider deleting.

Also, look for these words: very, extremely, utterly, absolutely, totally, and the like. Delete them unless you think they are essential.

Three quibbles ... 1. "twenty seconds". It feels like a medieval world, and I could be wrong but the ability to measure seconds was a fairly late development in clocks - maybe try "twenty heartbeats". 2. "teenager". Technically accurate, but a modern term for someone of this age - just feels anachronistic, but I'll leave that one to you. 3. A lot of sentences begin with "He" or "Jon" in Chapter 1 - try and reword a few.

Best wishes with this.

Regards,

TomW

Hi, Rob-

Havin' a look see. Below are a few notes.

Prologue

-"...revealed their high state of agitation." Blatant telling. Could this be restated so I 'see' them in their agitation?
-"...as befits two good friends who will never again meet..." Again, let me see it.
-"...his blade found her neck." I really like the earlier section of this sentence, but at the end, it gets too passive. This is the big moment. Don't hold back!

This is a tense scene of life and death. What I'm wishing for as a reader is to be able to see more from the character's eyes, less from the narrator's. I want to see it, feel it, hear it, smell it. That would give me the mood and tone of your piece, and you wouldn't need the moments of exposition.
Let me know if you decide to change anything. I'm happy to take another look.

-GM

Hi Rob

Realistic fantasy- there should be a category for it! For that is how this reads. You take a familiar setting and weave the fantasy elements in...and do it very well, I might add. I see you have already had technical crits, so don't feel I need to add my two cents (not that I'm any good at it!).

I like this. Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

The escape across the snowy landscape could do with a little fleshing out. You have some of the tension but I'm sure more could be added through giving more of the thoughts of the three as the race through this wintery land. Chapter two adds a mystery who is Jonothan and why do you get the impression that he isn't quite a normal humanbeing? This is good as it adds a dimension that appeals to the curious. By the thrid I can see a dark fantasy emerging. I have this WLed just now but it shall be moving onto my shelf when I move it around.

Rob, I loved your prologue, it drew me in. It is in such contrast with chapter one which I think works very well.

Chapter one is great, I really like your MC, he is engaging and authentic. And your premise is really interesting. I think this could do really well. You have a comfortable style which engages a reader easily.

Be careful with overwriting. Although the prologue clearly should have a different feel and is a different realm there are a couple of spots where the language is bit overwritten 9I think another commenter has called it high falutin fantasy speak LOL).

I especially loved your description of the traffic..."Dense and sluggish like a post-courting swarm of drone bees"...utter brilliance. It's one of those lines you wish you had written yourself.

A couple of nitpicks...The first two lines of chapter one were awkward to me straight away..'Jonathan Fenton was driving to a meeting. He was not looking forward to the meeting.' I don't think you need to say meeting twice. It would be fine with 'He was not looking forward to it'. This still creates the same clipped and direct phrasing without the awkwardness.

The word 'Obselescent' was also a bit unnatural....would simply 'obsolete' be better?

Just my opinion :) Shelved with a smile. Good luck with it.

Rachael
'Falling Through'

Rob,

Amanda (Awash of Resucing Liberty) recommended this to me, so I thought I'd drop by.

You have an intriguing long pitch, one that draws me and at the same time leaves me wondering exactly what sort of work I'm going to be reading. The short pitch doesn't work so well for me, there somehing akward, I feel, about the phrase 'leading him to the reaches of reality and beyond'. That may well just be me, though, if no one else has commented ignore me!

In fact generally when I offer comment or suggestion if it doesn't ring true with your sensibilities ignore me.

Now, on to the work proper. Starting with a prologue--you'll find there's mixed feeling about prologues here. I'll tell you up front, I look for two things from a prologue: first it has to work on its own as a stand alone scene that grabs my attention and holds my interest; and two the connection between the prologue and the main work has to become apparent reasonably quickly.

I'm going to start with a couple of nit-picky observations on your first paragraph, openings are so important:

--first you have a couple of uses of 'was' in this paragraph, if you can avoid these you may find that there's more movement and urgency (consider, 'Their hunter close at hand, rapid escape took it toll');
--you tell us twice that there are three in party . . . again this slows things down, I'd start with the second telling and lead into the current first sentence as action; and
--at this stage I'm not sure the detail of their clothhing adds anything.

A silver knife-edge glint of moonlight from behind a cload revealed the silhouettes of two adults and a small child. They gasped for breath in the thin moutain air. Their hunter close at hand, rapid escape took it toll.

In the second paragraph I'd simply note that they occasionally glance backwards. You shouldn't have to tell us that this reveals agitation, the reader can work this out.

The fifth paragraph has a lot of tell, I'd lose the inwardly and rather than telling she doesn't expect to see another sunrise try using a similie in the description of her weary trudge (like a condemed man might be a cliche, but that's the idea, I think).

There's a single line of dialogue in the prologue, that I'd like to see broken out into it's own paragraph to give it more prominence.

The scene ends poingnantly. And there's incentive to read on. (Minor observation but I couldn't picture, pulling swords--which are quite long--from garments or backpacks.)

There's a good piece of action in this prologue, which establishes mysters and raises questions. I feel the pace is a little off and could be picked up, but there's great writing here too--I've focussed on the things I see as nits, but loved that moonlight in the first paragraph, for example, and the final paragraph is great.

Chapter one, this is great; Wonderful voice, and I can relate immediately to Jon--how many of those meetings have I been to?--the action is moving along and the PoV is tight.

You handle the accident very well. You foreshadow nicely that's there's something different about Jon, keeping the reader interested.

The first time my attention is broken is at the paragraph beginning: It would have been plain to see for anyone with eyes . . . the thing is, it is. You don't need to tell us this and when you do it feels, to me, like authorial intrusion.

This is a great chapter though, I've really enjoyed it and can see why Amanda speaks highly of this.

Coming back to the prologue, I have to say that by end of the first chapter the connection is not clear and these feel like excerpts from two different works.

The link may become clearer further on, but I'm afraid I'm stopping here, and so, thus far, I'm not persuaded you need the prologue.

Nonetheless I really enjoyed the first chapter, and I'm going to give this a spin on my shelf.

Hi Rob, this is really good. I only read 2 chapters as it’s twenty to eleven already. I need a printer so I can spend more than 20 mins a day reading – it’s driving me mad!

Some thoughts:
The prologue is great – no suggestions there. It’s dramatic and raises emotions at once over the fates of the child and the woman, and questions over who the man and teenager are.

At the beginning of Ch 1, I think your first statement maybe needs a little more. You’ve just had an exciting prologue, then a dramatic statement (which at first glance seems to also apply to the prologue – not sure if that’s an intentional double meaning?) – but then you switch to IT systems. It seems a bit TOO much of a change of pace, and I’m not sure the details are all necessary, although I’ll need to read on to know for certain. Anyway, I think it might be an idea to expand the initial statement, e.g. “It was the kind of accident/disaster/drama that only happened in films.” Or, keep it as is and then add something that hints Jon is going to have an accident, e.g. “So preposterous that he’d have laughed if he watched it on screen.” It’s just that I found myself skipping over the IT bits impatiently to see what was going to happen. Great to have a contrast between mundane and dramatic but maybe a bit too much here. Hope this makes sense.

Anyway, the accident itself is great, and I love the way you introduce a hint of Jon’s abilities during the fight. His confusion after the accident is good too. The only things I wondered about were: would the fireman say that? Don’t they say “Can you hear me?” Just a thought, especially as Jon’s arterial blood is spraying so he’s clearly not all right – and wouldn’t that amount of blood loss kill him? Or is that part of his gift?? Hmm, will have to read on!

I’m not sure about the paragraph “It would have been….was flagging.” Maybe stating facts rather than showing them? I think you could cut the first 2 sentences out there. I can tell from the blurb that the relationship is key to the whole book, but maybe illustrate through more dialogue/memories rather than state?

This is great and definitely going on my shelf.

Best wishes,
Katherine

Hi Rob.
Apologies for taking a while to return for our read-swap. So glad I got here in the end, though!
First, my compliments on a very clean ms. It's so nice just to be able to read, without noting unnecessary commas, spelling mistakes and sundry other nits. (Although I did see a couple, noted below!)
Secondly, I really enjoyed this. The prologue was crisp, with clear imagery, good tension, and great action. Ch 1 followed this up brilliantly, even though it took me to an entirely different place. Your account of the car accident was masterfully handled, as was Jon's in-and-out of consciousness. I also liked the way you sprinkled vague references to something 'other', something magical, about their lives or existence.
In short, a great read and one I owuld continue given the time.

Now to those few nits:
'coming out of his ears..' Cliche alert!
'snapped his head back forward...' contradiction.
'Something very ominous happened..' Here you've strayed into 'telling' as opposed to 'showing.' Don't degrade your very excellent account of the car crash by injecting these distracting fillers.
'His actions of course..' Here's another. Cut them!
'Why do horrors overwhelm...?' You need scene-break asterisks after this.
'was his last thought..' Cut this, it takes away from Jon's POV and is unnecessary.

Nits over! This is definitely shelf-worthy, Rob, so on it goes.
I hope you enjoy KING'S ENVOY as much.
All the best,
Cas.

Dear Rob,
Thanks again for you insightful comments on Second Son. I have only one problem. I don't understand your remark about James having some concept of Gehenna or Scheol = surprise at Yehsua' being referred to in the present tense. Do you mean when the stranger says, "Who IS your brother?" If I remember correctly, James says back, "Are you a stranger around here that you don't know what's been going on?" I did a very thorough re-write on Chapter 1, in no small part thanks to you and I am going to find an agent and/or publisher who might be interested. Now to get to your book. Please, eliminate the long list of characters that is the first we see in Insensate. Very boring. Immediately skipped over, but will an editor skip the whole thing after that long "explanation"? Introduce the characters one at a time, explain where they fit in and let the reader keep the important ones in mind. I found the basic action of your story very interesting. I immediately wanted to find out who they were and what caused the problem. Then the bit of "magic". If you can pull that off, great. However, (that dread word) your first chapter, and I assume the rest of the book, is telling not showing. No conversation, no action ( was going to = he did? whatever is happening.) If you like get back to me and I will be more specific.
This is a good book. Don't be discouraged. Go over it and tighten every line. Let me know if you have a problem or when you think it's as good as you can make it. Your on the right track. Edie

Hello Rob,

Three chapters into the story and I find this story to be crafted around a fascinating premise . The plot goes speaks of a wide imagination and the descriptions, narrative and setting speak of a well told story.The pacing is good, the story flows smoothly and the setting is colourful. This is a story that I am glad to back.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Rob,
Your book gets off to a great start, and from then on it just keeps building. I have no hesitation in putting it on my shelf and will enjoy coming back to read more.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already.

Already done a couple of days ago. :-)

I am here in regards to our swap read agreement. Not really into sci fi but this worked for me because of the competency of the writing and storytelling.

The only niggle I have against this are the pitches. Thought they could have been done better. They are selling tools to get the casual reader to read/buy your work.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Thrilling prologue leading into a detailed and interesting first chapter.

Shelved for the interesting read.

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

Rob, loved the cover and what's inside doesn't disappoint. It's realistic fantasy, by which I mean the characters are believable and recognisable and excellently drawn. The plot
promises to be a cracker of a mystery. Shelved.
Lynn

the prolouge was very mysterious and interesting.
Chapter one was very well written. brillant really. i liked your descriptions especially like
"Dark mottled green" -- beautiful description of the eyes all around. never heard it done so well! brillant!
"He prayed it would be dreamless" - liked this line for some reason too.
one nit when you say "john's eyes shot fully open, as his brain..." need a comma i think... and strove? idk bout that word but you decide.
shelved.
-Cara

Insensate...

Now that I've read your partial, I'm backing you to encourage you to tweak the writing like heck because you've got a really good story going on here.

To help you tweak, take a look at Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King (they should be paying me a royalty.) Lots of great tips there.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (your chance to be brutal with me because I'm revising and trying to stay on the Editor's Desk at the same time...would really appreciate your honest feedback.)

Insensate...

One of my writing mentors tells me (repeatedly) that if two people say you have a cold, lie down.

So, here I am telling you that I agree with Jane Alexander's honest and helpful comments (keep in mind that I, too, am unpublished, and hold the title, The Goddess of Over-Writing.) I do know how much it hurts to eliminate those phrases and words that took so much time and which you feel will surely win you the Pulitzer or Orange Prize, but it must be done.

The showing rather than telling thingy...sooo difficult to identify where you've told rather than shown. One warning sign are your adjectives, adverbs, and words of emotion. Hope this tip helps. I still struggle with showing versus telling.

To see if these comments are helpful, why don't you revise your first chapter? It's not a long chapter and the content is very exciting. I think you'll be pleased with the results. Let me know.

Reading on...

Insensate...

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitch...

Please take my comments on your pitch with huge grains of salt. My most recent "backer" told me my pitch is defective, something I already knew, but I seem incapable of applying my "pitch knowledge" to my own pitch.

I would delete the writing sample at the beginning because I think it weakens the rest of your pitch. Supposedly, agents want to know, up-front, who your protagonist is and what he wants. If that's so, then your subsequent paragraph is a perfect start to your pitch.

Other than that, I think the only thing you need to do is to tighten a bit (e.g., you don't need "that").

While I don't normally read fantasies, I do love the idea of people with special powers. I would read on, and am doing so...

Rob,

You mix fantasy and reality very well in this very unique read. It was interesting and entertaining. Great characterization, really good flow. There were a couple of sentences that read a little awkward, but that could very well just be a language difference. All in all, I really liked it. Shelved.

Good luck!
Amanda

Hi Rob-

This is a great premise for a thriller! You do a great job with your description and imagery - especially with the car crash - the reader is able to see in their mind what you are putting into words. Great job.

Best of luck with this - I think it will climb the charts very quickly! I'll do my part - got you on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Saw you on the forum and stopped by, I am so glad I did.
I am with jane in the fact that the prologue wasn't the best for me but when I moved on I was thrilled by the writing, the style is clear and descriptive. You really should change the font in the flashback but other than that I loved this story and have put it on my shelf to show the support you deserve.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

There is so much happening here that we are forced to read on and see how it all sorts out. The pace is fast and the events are interesting. On my shelf to read more. The only quibble I have is a personal one. I hate seeing a list of characters at the start. I never read it because I remember characters far easier if I am introduced to them as I read on and I certainly never refer back to it from later in the book. Still, as I say, on my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I'm not a fantasy reader normally, but the title, cover, pitch and definately the great start pulled me right in. This should do very well. Shelved.
Michael (Bravo's Veil)

As I like good fantasy, and science fiction, it goes without saying I like this book. Good story line, well written. I was very disappointed when reaching the last chapter, I will have to buy the rest to finish it. although well worth it. Just not expecting it, has to be disappointing, have to back it though. too good not to.

I am selfishly taking advantage of the TSR points which will come from others who will most certainly back this book.

Gulp. *blush*

I am selfishly taking advantage of the TSR points which will come from others who will most certainly back this book.
Shelved.

My crits tend to be very honest so hope you don't mind. Feel free to ignore anything you don't like - after all, I'm no professional editor, just another struggling author.

Jane, I WELCOME it!

I have already acted on Mario's observations and uploaded slightly amended versions of the prologue and chapter 2. I completely agree with you about the prologue - in particular about "telling" rather than "showing". I am aware that my descriptive writing is weaker than my plot weaving - this reflects my own reading preference, I suppose.

The fantasy speak is deliberate, I'm afraid. I have used two different writing styles to reflect the setting of the prose (Earth/Deb). I know this can be potentially alienating for some readers, but I do this in the hope that they will "catch on" by chapter 3/4 at least. That hope may be misplaced... :-D

Anyway, comments greatly appreciated.

rob

Hi there, saw your hello on the forum and popped over. My crits tend to be very honest so hope you don't mind. Feel free to ignore anything you don't like - after all, I'm no professional editor, just another struggling author.

First up, I'd honestly do some work on your pitch as it isn't clear (to this dumb reader at least!) what kind of book it is.
I think you have huge potential with this - although I'm not a fan of high fantasy I do like books which switch between the 'real' (nobody hit me here!) world and alternative realities.
The prologue didn't really grab me, if I'm brutally honest - it was a bit overwritten (something I think virtually every new author - including me - does) and was trying too hard. Check out your descriptions - are they really working? You slip into high-falutin' fantasy speak a bit - 'the evil one they sought to elude' ....
And you tell rather than show (not everyone here agrees with this but I'd much rather be shown how they were 'wrapped generously' (in what?) than be told; I'd rather see their deportment than be told 'from their deportment', ditto 'evidently dressed for battle'.
But after that you settle down and it's much more like my kind of thing....
The crash description was fabulous (I've got one too but yours knocks the spots off mine) and I liked the flashback (initially puzzled for a moment - maybe a change of font to show the dim-witted like me what you're doing?
I've read up to Chapter Four and now run out of time - but I've seen enough to think you could do great things with this (don't think you need an editor actually - hang around here and you'll learn a pile of tricks!). I'd put away six edits of my book before I came here and am now re-editing it to incorporate all the advice I've received. Advice like (guess what?) - yeah, don't overwrite, make descriptions work, cut out unnecessary adverbs and adjectives etc etc (LOL).
Huge good luck. I'm going to spin this on my shelf. Enjoy the ride!
Jane

If you don't mind me pointing out one little thing I noticed, you used the word 'appeared' 3 times in paragraph 3 I think of the prologue

Mario,

Last night I re-read a few chapters for the first time in months (possibly years) and that smaked me in the face, along with the repetition of "rocky outcrop". Bad Rob!

The moral of the story is get a good editor I suppose. (Chance would be a fine thing...!) In my defence, all my proofreaders missed that too!

Cheers,

Rob

Seeing as what the village of Pomeroy is just over the mountain from me, I couldn't resist a quick look at your book. The prologue is excellent with regards to grabbing the reader's interest and although this might be a hackneyed comment, it is no less important. I was a little worried when I saw the list of characters and skimmed over it but you actually introduce them in the text at a measured pace. If you don't mind me pointing out one little thing I noticed, you used the word 'appeared' 3 times in paragraph 3 I think of the prologue, not that it is a major problem but I noticed it and sub-consciously was looking for more. Indeed, in chapter 2, the word 'little' appears twice in quick time and I don't think I would have noticed had it not been for the 3 'appeared'. If that makes any sense? Small points anyway and not so important set against strength of plot, character development and temperate pace. Well worth a vote. Regards, Mario.

Very well written and was a joy to read.

Thank you thank you! I hope that others will come to agree with you! :-)

Your work makes me think of Dan Brown's - and we all know that's a good thing in the publishing world! ;)... Fantastic job with this!!

Bless you - that's most encouraging!

Rob

Hi Rob,

Love the build up of tension in the prologue. This is a powerful start. I was pulled in straight away.

Good characterisation and dialogue in the first chap. Like the fast pace. Your writing style flows smoothly and is easy to read. Great hook at the end of chap 3. I think the transition between the worlds was well handled, it was a smooth transition. You’ve created a realistic world and the energy of the story brings it alive.

I was totally absorbed into the story and felt like it took me away on a journey. You have an enthralling story here that deserves to be read. Very well written and was a joy to read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Mr. Pomeroy,

Your short pitch grabbed me right away, and your long pitch uses imagery quite well. I came to take a look at the first chapter, and was hooked through the third! Your work makes me think of Dan Brown's - and we all know that's a good thing in the publishing world! ;)

You quickly grab your reader's attention with the prologue, and then jump to introducing Jonathan with intense scenes. A sense of thrilling mystery is invoked, and now I HAVE to read more soon because I need to know what will happen!! :) Fantastic job with this!!

Shelved now, will be back for more soon! :)

Best of luck,
Sara :o)
broken angel

I do think your long pitch needs more work and would make the suggestion of taking the time to look at a number on the site to see what is required to hook the reader.

Thanks Derek, I agree with you - that's just the blurb from my back cover and it can definitely be improved upon.

I am not sure a list of characters is necessary

Nor I, but the feedback I received from my manuscript readers was fairly consistent on this point - they wanted it! I think maybe it provided a stabilising anchor once they were over halfway through? I always intended the novel to appeal to readers not as acquainted with fantasy writing and I suppose that where they are less used to seeing unfamiliar names in stories, it can be an aid.

Thank you for all your comments. Self praise is no recommendation I know, but the book really gets going come chapters 6 and 7 and then doesn't let up until the end. So I'm told! :-)