In Obscura

There's things I like with this (the style of writing and use of colour) and things I don't like so much (it is in desperate need of editing (if only by a friend) and I don't like it beginning with violence).

It could do well, but not for me. I'm honest!

Philip (Death: The Guidebook)

I like your descriptions. I like that your main character thinks and feels in color. I feel like the premise is too complicated for my taste, but I'm shelving it because it's nicely written and I think others will enjoy a read like this one. Also, I admire your creativity and attempt at creating a different world. Best of luck.
M.D.
This Girl, circa 2000 A.D.

Fantasy Spy? Spy Fantasy? Possibly a new genra class. Magnus Wynter is a great name too. VEry original. I quite like it. Shelved.

Hi Kay,

I'm here for our swap. I jotted down some notes as a reader, since I don't feel I know enough as a writer to give good advice. These are the things that jumped out at me and interrupted the flow of the story, or bits I really liked. I hope you find these comments helpful.

Pitch

~ While it was your pitch that helped catch my attention, I think it might be even more eye-catching if you broke up the one paragraph into three, smaller ones.


Chapter One

~ Great opening line!

~ "It was easy to let her gaze..." - I think it would flow better if you made, "She focused on the items.." a separate sentence.

~ Your use of mixed senses (I know there's a technical term for it), like "The footsteps sounded black" is incredible. I love the visuals I have dancing in my head as I read.

~ I don't know if there's a way around it or not, but the word "colors" seemed almost too repetitive. I know "the colors" become a character in their own right, but it just struck me as a little too much.

~ Yet, speaking of repetitive, the use of "all" and "it" in the paragraph "She looked into his eyes" worked very well for me.

~ "As if reading her mind, he stood." - not sure if you meant it to be a stand-alone sentence or not, but missing an indent.

~ "She shook her head. Leave it on." - missing "" around second sentence?

~ I have actual, real life chill bumps from the end of this chapter. I love how you start and end with the same motif of green.

Chapter Two

~ Craigslist? "I can haz Cthulhu?" BSG? You're speaking my language!

~ Looks like you're a victim of the Authonomy paragraph tab formatting glitch - I ended up deleting all my tabs, rather than trying to work around it.

~ Now I'm feeling nostalgic for my theatre classes - I forgot how wonderful the exercises were.

~ At first, I thought Denny was male - glad you included the "not a 'routine' kind of chick" comment when you did.

~ And another awesomely creepy hook to end the chapter!


I'm stopping here for now out of necessity, but I will be back to read more at a later date - you've got me hooked. Oh, and shelved, of course!

~Traci
Tangled Web

I love fantasy that has its basis in the real (well, THIS) world and that is earthed. This certainly does that. The first chapter was incredibly lyrical. At first I thought the colour references - footsteps black; whispers sound green; purple of his death; hopelessness pale blue - were just intriguing imagination but then realised they clearly have far more symbolic meaning. I love that chapter - it is intriguing, tantalising.
Then we're back, with a crash, into Jordan's everyday world. She's an intriguing character - somewhat closed off, somewhat nihilistic. She reminded me a little of the MC of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series....though not quite as anarchic. I felt that maybe the second chapter was overly long - but maybe that was because I was aching to know about Jordan's power.
I'm intrigued. Would love to read more but time running out so have to go.
But have read more than enough to back this with great pleasure.
Jane

Kay
For me, this has to be one of the most original thrillers on the site. I love your gripping voice and prose, and you characterise with unique skill. In fact, I can’t fault anything or suggest improvements, sorry – maybe a more expert reviewer can help out in this area.
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

This is really interesting. I liked your idea and your pitch intrigued me which is why i chose to ask you for a swap. You have quite an individual writing style, poetic at times. I felt very involved as i read!
Liked best: The way you incorporate all the senses: sight, sound, smell...it places the reader in the scene
Liked Least: I got confused at times...but that may just be me!
Happy to back, best of luck x

This is a highly imaginative story, told very well. I didn't get far enough into it to find out what an 'esoteric wheel' is, but I'm confident that we would find out in due course. Shelved! Best wishes, Tony.

What really caught my attention about your writing style is your way of describing the senses through colors. I noticed other readers commented on this as well. This is such a unique form of vivid description. It's really captivating and fits into the fantasy genre. It's cool that you've written for Twilight Zone and Millenium. Never saw that Chris Carter show, but I loved The X-Files, and would still like to see his other works. Very impressive. Your professionalism in writing shines through your work. Fantasy is not my thing, but your story is very captivating.

Your ideas for this story, the confident writing and your ability to 'tell' a tale will surely make this work suceed. What sticks out a mile is your use of colours. You weave them with ease much like the blanket. 'hushed whispers sounded green' 'footsteps sounded black' 'shallow breath, purple'. It is unusal but very effective provided it is not overdone.
How well you captured the scene with Madeleine in the castle. I sensed her fear and felt her involvement with the Book. I'm not always comfortable with Fantasy but I get the feeling this may well offer an excellent read. On my shelf so others may judge. Margaret.

Hello Kay,
I think you have a good plot which is highly creative and you support it well with your setting and beautiful writing. Your style of writing is distinct and reminds me of Nobel Laureate Nadine Gordimer, somehow.

What struck me most was your use of COLOUR SHADES to describe sound, emotion and other things. This is not of course novel, but in your case it stands out as if it is an integral part of your book's foundation, making this style to me, quite unique. I think that this aspect of your piece may be the making or breaking of the book's potential success. Personally, I think it is a little overdone and that the colour injections used to make significant associations within the plot should be limited to the more usual and traditional ones such as those employed by Shakespeare for instance, which are today accepted without reservation. Or, seeing as you have chosen to go further than this, that you should tread cautiously with the colours you choose to make particular associations with and about. Yours is so radical that I feel that ultimately this might be a huge objection to your work. Perhaps I am wrong and you are ahead of the times and I admire writers and artists in general who dare go beyond the normal, or perhaps my use of colours for visual art purposes has triggered this opinion towards your usage - and probably because of the latter, I didn't always identify what what you intended to describe or narrate with the colour you chose to employ at particular times in achieving that objective.

In any case, you have a good story here with much potential and I wish you all the best with it.
Kind regards,
Zan

Hey,
You have a talent for descriptions and i think you are a great writer. In my fantasy book, TTTB, i actually feel i am lacking in this area, so it was good to read over this.
I love fantasy, and i think that your book is among the best here for the genre.
With some aggresive plugging i think you would make it to the top of authonomy in no time (if that's what you're here for). Anyways, you are on my shelf.

Regards,

Mark H

Finally got to this last night (it's been languishing on my watchlist forever), and kind of angry at myself for taking so long to get to it. It's extremely well-written, and I'm pretty surprised it's not a lot higher in the rankings by now. The whole thing reads very easily, and is entertaining throughout the three chapters I got through last night. i have nothing to complain about here (except for the use of Courier font, which was designed by DARPA to make documents seem less interesting :)), so it's on my shelf.

Great work.

Hi Kay,
I really enjoyed reading this. You have a completely new take on the fantasy genre and your style of writting is superb. The flow was perfect and your descriptions of both characters and scenes really make the book come alive. It's on my shelf.
Best of luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Wonderful, vivid description and flowed well for an easy read.

Shelved to give it a push along! "-)

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hi Kay.
Finally able to get here for our read-swap now the site's settled down.
How nice to come across something so different. As fantasy writers, we all want to find a new way of describing or conveying 'magic' and in this book, you have certainly done so. Great job!
I confess I found a few things in the early paras of ch 1 confusing, mainly because it took me a while to get the hang of what the colours meant. You also say at one point that Chere feels shapes moving over her which implied there was someone in the room with her. Then you said that Jaques was still outside.
My only other slight crit would be that IMO, the passages concerning Marcus and Shelley ought to start a new chapter.
I also saw one or two nits:
You say the 'rope of red wool' was the only bright sopt of colour, but then you mention the 'brightly coloured blanket.'
'Tears slid from beneath closed eyeslids' but Chere's eyes have only just 'roamed over the blanket.'
She winced as 'the binding cocked.' Cocked??
Marcus hands Shelley the 'folded papers.' She 'unfolded *it*.' Should be *them*?

Nits aside I thought the book was great. Happy to shelve and I hope you enjoy mine as much.
Cas.
(KING'S ENVOY)

I love the book cover and short pitch and your work is excellent, well written, nice descriptions and easy to readl Shelved and look forward to reading more.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. Since we write in the same genre I was relieved to see the tight paragraphs and dialogue. My only niggle is that I think the first chapter is a bit long. I thought maybe you could cut it down.

The short pitch is good; the long pitch needs to be rewritten.

SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I came in for a quick look tonight, as I've got some re-writes to do on my own book. But I like what I see. I don't know why the upload is not indenting some of your early paragraphs. I don't understand that. And you opening line is an eye-catcher! Whispers sounding green. Terrific.
Can't wait for your opinion on "The First Daughter".
Take care,
Tom Mahon

I am very intrigued and interested by the use of colour. I noticed it in the opening how things looked and sounded as colours and thought this unusual. But then I realised it had a lot to do with the story, especially when Shelly drew the green castle. So just what is this book how does it relate to Jordon? You certainly have me very interested.
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

Kay,

I just read through three chapters and although this is not my normal genre the writing is good enough to back itself; the dialogue, characters and chapter endings are great and the story keeps you reading. On my shelf.

Peace,

Keith G.

Shelved . What a brilliant thriller.
You have a great ability to make it all real
Lots of luck with it then..........Mikey

Hello Kay,

I am more into true to life stories, but you did a good job with this story, making it smooth flowing. I like the easy-to-relate lines that make it almost believable. You also did a good job with characterization, dialogue and narrative. The plot is also gripping and the scope of the setting attests to the depth of your imaginative mind. This is a story I am glad I shelved. With a little extra touch, it promises to reveal its full brilliance.

All the best.

Janvier

An original premise that immediately poses questions that you just have to find the answers to.
I'm intrigued that you hear sounds that have colours. Beautifully imaginative and lyrical prose.
A great deal of promise.
On my shelf.
Good luck,
Sheila
(Pinpoint)

I was initially drawn to your pitch for In Obscura, Kay. It's intriguing, and your writing delivers beautifully. Your story is original and your characters very well drawn. I want to travel further with Jordan and see how the slightly scary Graham attempts to use Rosiland to wreak havoc. Backed with best wishes - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

I spent time with your ending (posted as chapter 18). Rather interesting. I'm not going to type spoilers, but I think you captured the emotion well. You have two "The machine beeped" sentences - first and then 5th paragraph -- I'd cut one. I think the sentence before the last one at the end is stronger - the last one felt flat to me.

Good luck with this.

Spys, fantasy and religion all in one story. VEry bold work. I like it.

In Obscura...

So glad that a few others have nitpicked...some of which I agree with...because it lets me relax and tell you that I love your writing voice and found this really compelling. I don't normally buy fantasy, but I would buy this one.

Shelved, enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

In Obscura..

Commenting as I go along, starting with your pitches...

Would you like to re-write mine?

Reading on...

Breathtaking tour of location and time in the first chapter, Kay, great contrast in the forms of magic in the two scenes - and very interesting and original 'magics' they are too.

Chapter 2, though very good, introduces quite a lot of information and people. The pivotal points seem to be Lena and the old woman. I know we need the insight into Jordan and her background, but perhaps you could consider trimming this chapter a little - might just be me though.

Chapter 3, involves more new characters, but intrigues us with hints, and with early references to Wynter that tie back to C1, and to Lena, i.e. C2. Nice tension in trailing Banister, and in Max's reflections. The interrogation also brought more hooks to tantalise the reader - nicely done.

You have an admirable way with words: 'Hatefully, the smoke sounded like singing'. 'felt the atmosphere shrink'. 'chemical death'. 'They were Other; he was not'.

Though a little more revising will make this novel even tighter, I'm happy to give it my backing.

Possible tweaks to use or ignore: 'all that she'd die (for?) if she forgot'. 'feel spring ... made her feel'. 'so that she was, to quote, comfortably numb' who is quoting Jordan - the narrator? 'Before they even say (sat) down'. 'She looked ... the woman was looking'. If the reader doesn't know what a 'Bruno Maglis' is, then the reference is lost on them - maybe a word or two more to give a hint?

This has a wonderful pitch, title and the whole synathesia/magic thing is a wonderful idea to work with. You have an easy style and your imagination knows no bounds. I think this has great potential and sure to be a success, but it does need a little polishing. My only concern is I'm not sure where I am and who's who. Perhaps a little more unwinding of who these people are amidst the action? Backed with pleasure.

Stunning.
I can't fault the storyline, the dialogue, the tension and the thoroughly individual style.
The writing is tight as a crab's arse!
Green with envy!
Shelved.
Best of luck with this, but the quality will ensure its success.
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

wow this is really good. i love all the imagery. "When the hushed whispers came, they sounded green." - it sounded very nice. almost poetic. though idk what you mean by "green"
"the hollow sound of the old bell jerked her back..." - another nice imagery
"...smeared with soot and blood" - another nice description
overall this is very impressive. brillantly and beautifully written. you actually remind me a little of Milton in a way b/c you have such a nice, poetic flow but you don't really ryhme. well done. this is one of the best books i've read so far. shelved for certain!
-Cara

Kay,

Wow! I have no idea what is going on, but you had me captivated from the start. The whole issue of seeing and hearing things in color -- very cool! The writing is crisp and clean, and flows from the start to the end of the chapter. I didn't pick up on any grammatical errors or word choice errors.

Again, I have no idea what is happening in the plot, but that didn't matter. You really captured my imagination.

On my shelf,

ML

Beautifully written in a visual and lyrical style.

This is a book that readers would buy on the pitch and first paragraph alone. Mystery and menace blend.

I will back this tonight as soon as I decide which book to remove from my shelf.

Peter.

I found the story engaging, the writing descriptive and it has a breathless quality. The action moves quickly. I thought of a synergetic friend when you describe how sensations and thoughts are colours, I haven't read many stories with that angle, and it's a refreshing new way to descripe the world. I did feel slightly as if I was swimming, lost in the world of characters and how they are related. You might consider putting in a short paragraph at the beginning like a guide- perhaps, Chere has the ability to sense the world through magic and colour, and above all, is responsible for the book. Handsome Jacques is sworn to protect her. And meanwhile, Jordan is living out her life apart from all of this... something to give us a bit of a guide to the world you are describing? Backed, good luck with this!

Dear Kay,
I found this on my morning (coffee) trawl through books; a random process that rarely disappoints. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Not least, since you have clearly put a lot f thought into it. I am unpublished so I am not sure I am competent to say this, but could it perhaps read a bit more smoothly? I just felt I my reading was being slowed sometimes by your choice of words. But I fully accept that may have been because I wanted to move unfairly quickly, or it may have been intentional on your part. So feel free to ignore my ramblings if you want. Anyway, your descriptions are great and one is quickly involved and in the story. I think you have something very good here and I hope it does well for you. Shelved.
Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections & Unwelcome Consequences (the sequel)

Hi Kay,

This is a fascinating read. Your vivid descriptions are wonderful, very visual. Your characters are well crafted and the dialogue is believable.

The courier font is more seen in screenplays but still, I love the story. You are onto a winner with this energetic fantasy tale. This is certainly something I would buy. I couldn’t find anything to nitpick at and was totally absorbed into the book.

Tight prose and great sentence structure. Your writing is fluid and easy to read. This is highly marketable and has great potentials.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I am completely loving this!

Such a brilliant opening line - I knew straight away your a born storyteller. The descriptive passages and the dialogue are excellent, so much sensual imagery and a great sense of place. This feels a bit like the show Heroes only more magical :) The premise is sooo exciting for me, exactly what I'd pick up in a bookstore! I am going to read all 18 chapters over the next week or two, staying on my WL - have you on my shelf and will try get you as many readers as I can.

My only nit is the presentation - the font does nothing for the genre(I hate that font haha, always give out to people for using it) also some of the paragraphs are not indented / separated properly! This may be an uploading problem, but have a check in your word documents. The prose itself is pretty tight and polished!

LOVE IT!
Melanie x

Thanks!! It's the silly uploading. My formatting is fine in the document. Annoying! And Melanie, I'm keeping my font (g). Although maybe I'll change it up for the next book. You never know!

First let me say this: I hate that I can't cut and paste. Having to re-type an author's words is annoying. Okay. I feel better that I got that off my chest. It's the primary reason I don't do indepth reviews. Too much typing of someone else's words when I KNOW I should be typing my own words (read: my next book).
=========
I get that you used "green" in the first sentence to arouse curosity because I saw it explained with a direct reference to "leaves" a couple of sentences later. I have to admit, though, my first mental response was, "Man. This book is going to be pulling bait-and-switch tactics on me. Do I have the stamina for this?"

First of all, how nice of you to go to such trouble with your critique! Thank you. I will clarify a few things. "Green" actually doesn't refer to the leaves. Madeleine has a neurological condition called synesthesia, which she has because of what she can do. So that's why colors are heard and waves are round.

It's clever. Consider carefully, though. It could turn off some people, having to wait to find out what you're saying. I say consider carefully because I've always seen the opening lines as targets for impatience by agents, editors and publishers. In reality, we average readers don't give a whit one way or another. We are infinitely more patient, often giving the author until several paragraphs down before deciding whether to read on or bail out. But you have to get this by the gatekeepers, first--the agent, editor or publisher. It would be a hard decision for me, balancing the cleverness of the approach with the possible alienation of the gatekeepers..

Certainly. And while I would love to get this book published and will do everything I can to achieve that, I didn't write it directly with an eye towards the market. I would have written a vampire book otherwise (g). I work in television and nearly everything that goes into ideas and scripts has to do with the market. I wanted an outlet where I could just WRITE!

Thanks again for your comments.

First let me say this: I hate that I can't cut and paste. Having to re-type an author's words is annoying. Okay. I feel better that I got that off my chest. It's the primary reason I don't do indepth reviews. Too much typing of someone else's words when I KNOW I should be typing my own words (read: my next book).
=========
I get that you used "green" in the first sentence to arouse curosity because I saw it explained with a direct reference to "leaves" a couple of sentences later. I have to admit, though, my first mental response was, "Man. This book is going to be pulling bait-and-switch tactics on me. Do I have the stamina for this?"

It's clever. Consider carefully, though. It could turn off some people, having to wait to find out what you're saying. I say consider carefully because I've always seen the opening lines as targets for impatience by agents, editors and publishers. In reality, we average readers don't give a whit one way or another. We are infinitely more patient, often giving the author until several paragraphs down before deciding whether to read on or bail out. But you have to get this by the gatekeepers, first--the agent, editor or publisher. It would be a hard decision for me, balancing the cleverness of the approach with the possible alienation of the gatekeepers.
=========
Would "Panicking" be better than "Panicked"? Something to consider.
=========
Consider removing the word "hushed". Whispers are, by proxy, already hushed.
=========
"slowing down her breath and her sight" has problems for me. First, one does not slow one's breath. One slows one's breathing. Second, it was hard for me to understand how one would slow their sight. Last, consider changing "slow down" to "slow". We inherently know that slowing an action brings its speed down. It might border on redundancy, the way you've used it. From a devil's advocate point of view, though, the opposite is "speed up". Saying "speed your breathing" isn't as comfortable as "speed up your breathing". In light of that, the "down" becomes more justified. I hope I've thoroughly confused you on this point. (sorry)
=========
"The rickety wooden stool, the seat burnished from use" feels a little off because both clauses are closely related--they are both about the stool. Therefore, consider changing it to read "The rickety wooden stool, its seat burnished from use".
=========
I think the "round waves of the ocean" is going to be considered by some to be a missed interpretation. Most people see waves as humps or rounded peaks, not circles or spheres. A surfer would pick right up on the description as he/she lives to exist within the curl (round) part of a wave. Most of us see waves from the outside, though. Consider changing "moved" to "curled" to support your description.
=========
Consider changing "felt the effects of" to "weathered the effects of", or something to that effect. Most of us don't see plants as having the ability to feel.
=========
"they saw the power of the loom, and only they could harness it" is a great sentence. It hints at magic to come. Consider removing the comma. There is no need to give us that quick pause when it should flow straight through into "only they could harness it". Good stuff.
=========
"the purple of his death" felt smooth. Right where it needed to be. I experienced the picture it invokes on a different level than the rest of the text in the paragraph. Something to consider if you're reworking any of the paragraph's other words.
=========
"into the seam of another time" was cool. Keeping me in the loom perspective.
=========
"shivery sensation" was hard for me to connect with. Would you consider trying something else there? I'm not familiar with that kind of sensation in the context you're describing. Confusing.
=========
How does one "taste" that it's time to go? I read on but didn't find the bait-and-switch there.
=========
Maybe it's me. You're starting to lose me here. Too much work required. How do shoes sound "black"?
=========
Okay. I'm lost. How does a book's binding "cock"? I know how to cock a gun or a a baseball pitch--creaked, maybe? Getting cumbersome, now.
=========
"The smoke sounded like mice"

?

Okay. I'm out. Too much work for me. I'm sure some find this type of writing to be a welcome challenge. I'm just not wired for that. You have great potential here. I hope you keep pushing through.

My Best,

Kerry B. Rogers, Author
The Occuscript
An Epic Fantasy Adventure

Kay,

You have my backing. I may offer some additional comments in the morning when my eyes are fresh.

Rodney

I am completely loving this!

Such a brilliant opening line - I knew straight away your a born storyteller. The descriptive passages and the dialogue are excellent, so much sensual imagery and a great sense of place. This feels a bit like the show Heroes only more magical :) The premise is sooo exciting for me, exactly what I'd pick up in a bookstore! I am going to read all 18 chapters over the next week or two, staying on my WL - have you on my shelf and will try get you as many readers as I can.

My only nit is the presentation - the font does nothing for the genre(I hate that font haha, always give out to people for using it) also some of the paragraphs are not indented / separated properly! This may be an uploading problem, but have a check in your word documents. The prose itself is pretty tight and polished!

LOVE IT!
Melanie x

Like the way you are mixing up sensory descriptions it adds a new spin to the tale and makes the reader conjure up new images and make different connections to the obvious. Well done.
Rob Bassett (Splinters!)

An interesting start - lots of action and mysteries. Was a little confused - is Madeleine the same person as Chere? You use a lot of pronouns at the beginning, would have liked to see you occasionally use her name. And the images you produced - Pierre´s knife slid in his belly - this did not seem like an ordinary world to me. The colors (green, for instance), also seemed to play an important role. Loved how she was hiding the book - that was the important thing - to finish writing. And getting them to believe the castle was deserted. As the conversation progresses with Magnus and Shelly, we see a connection to the color green and to Jordon Cole in the next chapter. Chapter two was easier to follow as you introduce us to Jordon, who I am assuming is the hero. But the intensity and the mystery of chapter one has me wondering and wanting to read more. I am putting you on my shelf for now as I think about what you´ve written.

Wow! That first chapter is such a tour de force, I actually felt let down by Ch 2 (oh no, real life). This is seriously good writing. Have you considered adding 'literary' to its classification? I'd back it in a flash except I'm leery of 'occult' as a tag, but In Obscura certainly stands out in the field. All the best for your writing.

Cool! My first message, and without even the book cover up yet (g). Thank you so much! I didn't know what to put in tags so maybe I've added too many. It's not about devil worship or anything, and I don't want to put anyone off reading it, so I shall edit. Writers go with the flow, I suppose...!

Wow! That first chapter is such a tour de force, I actually felt let down by Ch 2 (oh no, real life). This is seriously good writing. Have you considered adding 'literary' to its classification? I'd back it in a flash except I'm leery of 'occult' as a tag, but In Obscura certainly stands out in the field. All the best for your writing.