The Children of Poro

Expertly written and utterly riveting. I love thrillers based in Africa with political undertones. I was hooked straight from the intense prologue. You have knack at creating nail-biting pace and maintaining it without it becoming tired. Would make a good movie too.

Andrew

With this story I don't think you have anything to worry about. So well done. That first scene, of the young girl, had me and the following chapter only was no different. You do no how to make flat words come alive. On my shelf. C.P

I love politicaly significant books. On my shelf.

Richard,
You're a master storyteller. And what I mean is that you've got all the elements of craft in play, which makes your prose effortless to read. I don't see mechanics--though as an editor I know that they are there and they are working--I see STORY. You arrested my attention immediately in the prologue, particularly with your details of how Selena felt. I felt that terror too. You've a gift for physical description, and you know how to create a visceral and vivid experience for the reader. SHELVED.

The story lagged a bit for me in chapter 1, when the dialogue began to lean toward backstory fill in. I wonder if you couldn't place Cassy and Scar in a more movement-rich environment, rather than a quiet, still office. I believe it would add another element of tension. In addition, you could also pull out some of the information and weave it in a little later.

Some substantive comments, as you don't need any copyediting, that's for sure...

Consider for better rhythm: I'm on edge, she thought. More than I imagined.
Cassy looked at her reflection... (Consider glanced here instead, since you use "look" three times in this paragraph.)
Cassy sat deep into the old leather couch (Consider: Cassy sank deep into the old leather couch)
"Who were there?" (Consider: Who was there? Otherwise it looks like an error to my eye even though I understand your usage here.)
pigtails and as if any... (Consider omitting the conjunction and here and make this two snappy fragments by using a period instead.)
chorus again -- complaining (Recommend a comma or period in place of dash.)

This is not the sort of thing I would normally read as I tend not to like too much politics as it reminds me of my old job but this is well written and very well researched. I like the fact that the lead female character is not too arrogant or too doubting, she comes across as a real flawed human being. Good job.

“The Children of Poro”

Richard,

Great start, you pull the reader all the way in. And the use of alternate chapters to build your story is refreshing. You also have a great mix of characters, with some excellent dialogue thrown in. Well perhaps not thrown in, because it is clearly well thought out.
Add to this an African backdrop, and I am sure you are onto a winner.

I don’t do edits; I prefer to leave that to others more qualified than myself, (some just think they are.) But I don’t think you have a lot to worry about. Shelved!

Good luck, CallumC.

Great stuff Richard. Backed with pleasure!
Simon

This is excellent, right up my crime-riddled alley! Our books have a lot in common in fact. The only jarring note for me was your first sentence- it just didn't go with the rest of the para INMO. Work it in later when she's thinking about her situation. ALso, I think you should load the chapters separately instead of rolling it all up there. Just a thought. Makes it more suspenseful if you do it that way.

Exotic location, terrible crime with a mystery, dedicated investigators... yeah I'm shelving this. Most excellently written and I like the way you leave it to our imaginations what happened to the hapless Serena.
V
Hawaiian Orchid

Richard

This premise is going to pull at the heartstrings of many readers. How can I resist reading on?
Great opening prologue. This is a page-turner.
I like Cassy’s introduction too. You bring the reader up to speed efficiently and get into the real-time story quickly with Scar’s first words. There is some excellent characterisation in this too. Interesting observations and top-notch dialogue. And the brooding background is always there, feeding the reader with a sense of urgency.
I originally intended on reading some chapters from beginning / middle / end, but your prose is so addictive that I threw this idea because I had to read this as it has been written. Job done, I’d say! I guess I’ll just have to come back for more – what a shame! I’ve read your first four contrasting chapters and was enthralled by your writing. You have fabulous end of chapter hooks that make it very difficult not to read on. I love your use of language, with phrases like feral thoughts, ‘Idiots. They live in a political Neverland of omnipotent super-cops…’, the sun bled into the jagged summit of the western tree line, flickering fires slithered up against the trees, the hush became corporeal. etc etc etc
So much to like!
Shelved with my very best wishes
David
Green Ore

Great writing. Excellent thriller technique
This is powerful stuff...............SHELVED.
Good idea to put 5 chapters in a space.
This Watcher is REALLY scary.
All the best with it......Mikey (The Free)

Dear Richard, The ingredients are simply superb--a missing girl, a dedicated prosecutor, a supportive partner, an elite unit threatened by incompetent authority, and then to top it all off The Watcher--and I see from your pitch that there’s more of the same to come. As wonderful as they are, even such ingredients as these might amount to very little without your brilliant writing.

The opening is fantastic--who wouldn’t continue reading after that?--and I admire the skillful intercutting and how quickly and gracefully you provide so much back story and flesh out your characters. There aren’t many writers who could accomplish as much in just a couple of chapters, at least not while maintaining such a smooth pace.

It’s a mark of your great skill that while your story deals with a complex international conspiracy, you bring the focus to a single missing girl: Serena, a highly ironic name given what she’s going through. Here’s a quotation from one of my favorite films, The Counterfeit Traitor: “You can read about a million atrocities, hear about thousands, but you have to see only one.” It seems to me that’s want you’re doing with Serena.

Besides being a pleasure in their own right, there’s a fringe benefit to your cinematic structure and prose style. Another of my favorite films is The Maltese Falcon: legend has it that all John Huston had to do to prepare it for filming was to make notations in the margins. Which is to say, your amazing novel is ready for both shelf and screen.

On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Richard - you set the scene well, you have an interesting story to tell and your writing is well up to it. I did find some of Cassy's speech a bit infodumpy ('dedicated information depositories', 'regional mandate' - I think you could slip this info in somewhere else, but not in dialogue: real people don't talk like that). I was also confused by the reference to the 'sub-continent' - that, to me, means India, Pakistan, Bangladesh & Sri Lanka.

Very good work though, competently crafted, and on my shelf.

Richard,

You have created one of the most chilling and intense books I’ve yet read on authonomy. The POV of the watcher in chapters five and seven, especially, is disturbing and brilliant in its execution (no pun intended). That is as far as I’ve gotten so far, but more than enough to back and recommended this book.
Excellent work.
Shelved.

Mark

Interesting premise and read. I'm going to shelve it and wish you the best! -- Dave (Visions)

I'm a wimp and a mother. This means that anything with gut wrenching reality about it is very difficult for me to read. This book starts out difficult to read. It hits every spot I don't want hit. It's going to fly.

Wow! This is incredibly good! There's no messing about with the opening; straight into the mystery without pulling any punches. One of the finest opening chapters to get a reader hooked that I've seen. And the following chapters don't let up the pace. Backed without hesitation!

-Jenny-

Ed (The Whore's Companion) again - I have backed The Children of Poro - good luck.

Hi Richard - have only read the first two chapters but know I have stumbled upon one of the best reads on this site - you appear to have edited and re-edited your work to the point where the narrative flows so convincingly - congratulations - I will endeavour to read the remain=der of your submission asap. Will get back to you. Ed (The Whore's Companion)

Richard, this is exceptional. I couldn't stop reading (unfortunately I had to as I was on lunch break). This is utterly compelling and simply breathes with life. Clever and intense and beautifully drawn. I will be back for more.
Shelved
Rachael
'Falling Through'

Excellent detail, but more importantly is your ability to have well defined characters as well. Many authors have trouble providing both, but you do it easily. Shelved.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

The Children of Poro

Hi Richard, Sometimes I forget I am reading an unpublished author and just sink into a fascinating and interesting story with realistic, engaging characters and a fascinating plot. This is what happened with Children of Poro, exceptionally good and what an interesting and unusual subject to be the focus of a legal thriller, beats American corporate lawyering shenanigans. A book that is telling such an important story as well, extremely well written, well done, this deserves to be published and should do very well in the market it is targeted at

Best wishes, backed but that was obvious surely - Andrew W.

(Sanctuary's Loss)

Three chapters in and very much hooked. This thrills with a darkly vibrant african pulse. You have a great skill with words and I wonder that you even need to be on here. I can find no real nitpicks except for a single suggestion to tighten up your opening scene... to lose "two days had passed since her 14th birthday" as it is far more gripping to lunge straight into Serena waking up. And to lose "And it was going to be horrible" at the end - for the same reason, it just rings far more surgical and sinister without it. The use of the word 'going' twice also jarrs the eye/ear.
And that's it - not a single other suggestion! I love the flow of the dialogue - the humerous comments like "Drive by colonoscopy", the beautiful descriptions and the freakishly sinister Watcher.... if I was going to bet on some one getting published on here, think it would have to be you!

M&J
'Graemor'

Hi Richard,
I backed The Children of Poro a couple of days ago, still on my shelf, and have now managed to find time to read all 24 chapters. I want more, I need more, I demand more. Help.
Jared

Wow what a chilling beginning to your story. This is a well written piece that hooks you straight in. Definitely backed.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

Terrifying start. You then skillfully lessen the tension and haul the reader back into normality.

This promises to be an intense and important and educational novel. I'm going to put it on my shelf now.

Peter.

The Children of Paro is a strong and gripping story, Richard. Your pitch is excellent and your writing delivers really well. It's a scary but interesting concept and right from the opening I was in there feeling for poor Serena. I like the way you then moved into the set up with Cassy followed by the Central African Republic. It's a setting that draws one in while glancing nervously over one's shoulder, but I want to read the whole story. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Richard, you do a fantastic job of letting the reader feel what the main characters are feeling while letting the plot jump up and bite. You've a real natural understanding, I think, of what is important in a scene, what it's purpose is in the overall scheme of the story, and which elements should be emphasized.

This makes for a truly captivating and visceral read.

Hats off to you.

:)

Excellent writing.
This will do well, no doubt about it. You have a good narrative voice, calm and steady and I have no problem visualising the scenes. Best wishes.
Sue (A Boy Called George)

hello Richard,

From this intriguing setting, you produced a compelling and brilliant thriller. The first chapter got me hooked. And the next two chapters confirmed my best expectations.Your setting is wide, varied, rich and colourful; something that is expected for a story with such a bearing. The characters are engaging and insightful and the unfolding plot is compelling. With a little more touch, your story promises to reveal its full brilliancy and make it to the top. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Richard,
You confirmed my belief that Africa is such a distant, wonderful, yet dangerous world! The opening with Serena is great! Short. To the point and it sets the tone for what's to come. I in one of your later chapters, you mention something about a "drive-by colonoscopy". I chuckled at that. Your dialogue is very realistic-- a must in this type of story. You deliver the chills and thrills in this one. Shelved!
Can't wait for you to read "The First Daughter"! I really want to know what you think.
Thanks and great job!
Tom Mahon

Excellent opening. I love the phrase 'breathless state of terror', economical but very effective. I'm about to go into work but I'll read on tomorrow.

The Children of Poro...

I love it when novelists have something important to say about the world, and your timing is impeccable. Sony Reader (UK) reports that thrillers are its most popular genre. Bravo.

I do agree that there's too much exposition... even though you've put a lot of that exposition into dialogue, it still feels a bit contrived. I'd weave that stuff into the story as you go along. The trick will be to decide what you absolutely must make sure the reader knows to be able to follow your story, and then how to create a trigger or stimilus for inserting the info so that it becomes almost invisible. Easier said than done, of course.

My usual nit about adverbs, of course. Read Noah Lukeman's The First Five Pages. He's an agent and he says that many agents will reject solely on the basis of adverbs.

Please keep on with this important and compelling story.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions because I'm trying to stay on the Editor's Desk AND revise at the same time.)

Hi Richard,
Good to see a well written crime thriller on here and its going on my shelf.

My only concern is the large amounts of exposition (Telling rather than showing) in the first two Cassy chapters. I know you have to establish what's going on but I'd be tempted to cut back on it and fill in with some scenes with some conflict in them. Preferrably introduce each of those facts when needed by the story rather than upfront.

Best of luck with this

John

Hi Richard,

Totally enjoyed your work. Read the first eight chapters. Realize I must contribute some criticism, so I can say this:

Pros:

- It's fast-paced, gripping, intriguing. Very professionally done. You're obviously a strong, experienced writer.
- The Watcher is a horrific character and you've managed to write a scene of incredibly gore and violence without being gratuitous or maudlin. Excellent.

Cons:

- Chapter 2: Seems like there's an extra word in this sentence: "Their regional mandate was Cassy's THE best leverage ..." The all uppercased word seems to be extraneous.

- Cassy: Overall, sometimes her sentences seems to be too long. Most people I know speak in relatively short sentences, but there are others of course who don't.

- Character descriptions: I missed them. I like reading a story and being told exactly who people are (or pretend to be). In other words, it would've been nice to get Cassy and Scar's exact titles. Are they local police officials, national police officials, international police officials who've been placed there as part of a special investigative team. It would've been nice to know exactly how their relationship is. I take it that Cassy is Scar's supervisor, but is she? Do they have an old work relationship or one that's based just on this case.

- Place descriptions: It was clear where they were because of the chapter headlines. Still, I would have appreciated a mention within the text. But this is REALLY minor.

- The case: I know the conventional wisdom is, "Show, don't tell," but it would've been nice to have had at least one paragraph summing up the case involving the girls. Cassy does enumerate several facts about the case at one point, but still I found myself wondering. How many girls have gone missing? Have police isolated common factors (age, physical description, location). How far back does Cassy believe the crimes went? How soon before the disappearances were connected to one another? Were all the bloody (but bodiless) crime scenes the same? In other words, were there such multiple scenes or is it always the same place? I'm guessing that it's multiple locales, or else the police would be staking out the one. I had a bit of a hard time really divining the specifics of what was going on simply through the dialog between Cassy and Scar.

- The slaughter is described quite well, but there were one or two very minor glitches, the result of editing, I think. At one point, the text refers to "the pregnant woman," as though there was a specific pregnant woman who had been previously mentioned. Why not, "a pregnant woman," if she was not mentioned before? Also, I wasn't sure what "Eldritch screams" referred to. Who was Eldritch?

All of this is nitpicking, which is what one is reduced to when scrambling to come up with criticism for a very fine piece of work. Best wishes for much success! You deserve it!

Persia Walker (aka London Smiling)
Harlem Redux (available in stores)
Darkness & the Devil Behind Me
Black Orchid Blues

Hi Richard,
Great front cover and wonderful opening chapter. I've only had time to read 5 chapters, but have shelved your book with enthusiasm. I’ll get round to looking at your book in more detail when life is a little less hectic - I'm in the middle of the house move from hell and no web access is the least of my worries. I'm writing this in an internet cafe on a keyboard with all the letters worn away. I'm no touch typist so am having to recheck and alter almost every word.
Jared

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. I gotta tell ya; I read three chapters. This thing is ready to be published. I got into the story; it's told well. My criticisms are minor such as the opening chapter, using pronouns to start almost start all paragraphs. That can easily be corrected.

Great story; it's original. SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing if you gave not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Richard!

First of all, I LOVE your cover! I'm in marketing, so tend to get as enthralled by covers as I do the words inside (my background is a good mix of art and design and wordsmithing) - great job!

On to your premise and storyline - you've clearly got a knack for writing tension and thrill that isn't seen very often here. This is a great piece of work, and I think your book should climb the charts rather quickly. I'm glad to do what I can to help - this is definitely going on my shelf. Best of luck to you!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Richard

The Children of Poro is a very fast-paced and well-drawn thriller with a wonderful sense of setting & place, a strong protagonist and a cracking plot. You write extremely well, the prose is very polished and it reads like a published work(you have the formatting etc all perfect as far as I can tell!) - I hope you can keep this pace up and am looking forward to more beautiful imagery and twists as I read on.

For now, you have my backing.
Melanie x

The opening was telling - set the stage and held the reader. I did find your chapters rather short (but that might be a style preference). Overall sound plot and good characterization. This should go far.

The truth is, one has to read so many books, mostly only time for three to five chapters of each book. I reached without meaning to chapter 15, why, because I was hooked in and held. This is the real thing. does not get better. enough said. backed and glad to.

Extremely well/written, pacy and with an obvious knowledge of the subject area. I like thrillers and I think you have crafted a good one here. There's enough mystery to keep the reader guessing and tiurning the pages. Well done. Shelved.

Cheers

Rayo

Richard,

I read three chapters; reads quick, good dialogue, characters and chapter endings that keep you interested, esp. the first one. I put it on my shelf and wish you great success in the future with this.

Peace,

Keith G.

Richard,

I have a soft spot for a good synopsis, good formatting, good punctuation, and fleshed out characters, and a style of writing that makes me want to read more. You've hooked me all the way.

My only suggestion is to break up your synopsis into 2 or 3 paragraphs to give it more appeal and make it easier to discern the plot points. Good job.

Shelved
Rodney

Richard, I've seen a lot of talent on this site but yours is the best writing I've seen so far. Marvelous use of simile and metaphor. I like the first one best:

changed hands like wives at a swingers convention
like wet seals and guano
like agitated beasts drooling to be fed
Cassy'd been flayed, salted and sunned by the media

The opening with the girl shackled is chilling and sets the stage for the rest of this thriller. The story was so compelling it drew me all the way to chapter 24. If you don't already have a publisher I would be surprised. This should go to the top of the chart.
Steve Ward, Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

This is very effective writing. You draw the reader in and hook them with chapter 1. Chapter 2 explains things but is just as compelling and makes the reader read more

There is a chilling end to chapter one. Chapter two the problems becomes clearer through the dialogue between Casy and Scar. Politicians doubting effectiveness, missing girls (guess chapter one is not an isolated case), elections coming, etc. Chapter three takes on a new POV (every chapter has so far, but I am guessing you are going to stick with Casy´s for the most part) and now we see things through the eyes of the watcher. Well done. On my shelf.

Richard

Absolutely awesome first chapter. I was sucked in and really felt the discomfort and fear that poor Serena was feeling. Wow. Had to read on and disappointed that started 18 months later. What happened to Serena? Perfect hook!!!!

The next few chapters were just as great. Really loved it. Can imagine this published. (I am not usually so gushing btw)

Shelved, shelved, shelved! Possibly the best book I have read on this site.

Really very minor points, so please ignore if you want (so few, which shows how tight and beautifully written):
> Ch 1. Like Cara, I didn't like "womb-warm" for a couple of reasons. i) same as Cara and ii) that womb sends a comforting message, but she is far from comfortable. Perhaps "sickly warmth" or something like that.
> Ch 2. Waking day didn't quite work, as she thought about this day and night, she was awake most of the time. So, something like, When she was awake, which was most of the day and night, questions… Anyway, you get my point and I am sure you can re-write it better than I can. Would Cassy really say "with hunched shoulders….", sounds like you wrote this from the third person and then put it into dialogue. No biggy as still kinda works, but she may just say "I felt like a schoolgirl" rather than the description of her body.
> Ch 3 - all great. Love ….the sun bled into the jagged summit… beautiful imagery

David

Hi Richard,

Wow! Great start. Beautiful imagery. Your writing style is smooth and easy to read which is great as it allowed me to get fully absorbed into the story with any interruptions of awkward phrases.

Great characterisation and dialogue. Love the quick pace, adds energy to the tale. Like the ending to chap 4. It made me want to read on. Also good ending to chap 5.

This is a fascinating thriller that should go far. It’s very well written and was an enjoyable read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

ok i did thoroughly enjoy it but im in an honest and rather harsh mood (meaning even if you have a brillant story ill try to find something wrong with it. im evil like that lol) and want to give you a good critique which you deserve. (no smacking around intended and these are only suggestions. you do not need to change anything if you don't want to. it's your story and your voice. not mine)
anyways
"the womb-warm" sounded kinda iffy to me. i would suggest looking over that. just made me think of a child in his mother's womb lol. but hey im an odd one. don't mind me haha. :p also how you begin it with her birthday...idk if that is essential. maybe it is tho and i just need to read on but ridding yourself of that and leaving it with your character sick and in pain would make things prob less confusing.
you have a brillant and very vivid description for the first paragraph. nice stuff. :) not many can be so descriptive to the point you can really feel and see what is going on. bravo on that.
"whimpers fluttered from her lips" -- ahhh beautiful description!!!
the first chapter really makes me wonder what is going on. it's a bit unclear from your character's perspective but i figure that is intended to show her confusion and helplessness and it works. bravo. def shelved.
-Cara

The Children of Poro--
Richard,
I've read the first two chapters and really liked what I've read so far. Youre profile is impressive and it's obvious you can write! I usually take notes as I read... and I didn't this time.
You're first chapter was awesome. Quite gripping.
The only thing that caught my eye was thinking you don't need the "that" in the last sentence. (just my opinion).
At any rate.. you're going on my shelf.
I'll be back to read more.
Good luck!
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift