Superhated

SUPERHATED
Christopher Coutoure

Well, I am frustrated. Only 13 Chapters and I am now addicted to Superhated and need MORE! Do you plan to put up further chapters? Wow, I hope so. This was so compelling that I could not stop even to eat until I got through all of it.

I am amazed at your skill with juggling all these characters and absolutely fascinated wondering how you are going to bring them all together. It seems like you have begun this excercise and it's probably one of the most difficult tasks in storytelling. Holding the reins on a cast of this many characters takes someone who just has a natural talent to craft a superb novel. If you are this good at your age, you will throw us all into an awestruck oblivion when you reach your high stride.

There is a certain suspense you have injected into your chapters that pulled me along with my eyes popping out of my head. Wait a minute! Hold on. What just happened? That is what went through my mind as I read. You have more hooks in this novel than my Grandpa's fishing hat. It's splendid, Christopher. No I am not intending this to sound like gushing. I am just enthusiastic when I find a really great story.

I feel honored to have my novel backed by one with your skill. I thank you sincerely for your support of A King in Time. Obviously, I am more than pleased to back Superhated.

Thank you.

Mary Enck

Christopher, you are a masterful storyteller. You have a great opening chapter, which is a gift in itself. I enjoyed your style; it is well polished with excellent support from the setting and the carefully chosen words, and awesome dialogue.
I loved it. Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

hello Christopher,

You have a well-crafted story here on a very fascinating premise. I like the way you handled characterization, especially in bringing the characters of the Cunningham family, Clarissa and the others to the readers. Very true to life. I see an unfolding plot that promises more suspense than has been revealed so far. Dialogue is light and succinct, the prose is engaging and the descriptions are great. Overall, you have a well-written work that promises to be even more appealing. Shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Christopher, There is no way you are 19 and writing like this. I suspect you are 35 ish masquerading as a 19 year old. It is a superb and fluid piece of writing that imbibes like a 1986 Languedoc - full of body, with a hint of promise around the corner with no nasty aftertaste. Very good stuff and worthy of a much higher ranking.
Mick Bannister - Gibbous Moon (spookliy about someone around your 'age').

Hi Christopher,
I stumbled upon your book and thought I'd give it a look.

Bad news first - you really need to tighten up your writing. Your sentences are often either too long (eg right at the beginning of chpt 3 the sentence 'this was just one....' is far too long) or awkwardly phrased (chpt 5 'Jay had always been larger than his friends...'). Sometimes you seem to fall into a writing trap you can't get out of (chpt 2 within 5 paragraphs you have 2 paragraphs starting 'as she', and 1 'as the' ). Sometimes your tense isn't quite clear, and you need to make it a little smoother when you want to jump a few hours in the narrative (principally chpt 3).
Also, plot-wise in chpt 4 I really don't understand why Lex doesn't just phone the police.

BUT for all that it is a rollicking good read. I meant to read only one chapter, but I read four, and only stopped because I've run out of time. Do please work on this, because if you can match your story-telling with sharper writing, this will be a first class book.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

chapter 3: This is a *great* start, head and shoulder above the first 8 samples I read yesterday.

Less is more though, especially with action sequences.
examples -
You may want to trim some of the fluff talk with Clarissa, and give her less of an intro. Get to the party sooner.
No nanny afraid of using Lex would say Sod it in front of her child.
I live in Minnesota where is gets to -30F and my eyes never prickly with cold.

Shorter sentences during the chase lend an air of immediacy, and improve the flow.

"Stood in a bottle green" was awkward. Simplify "A young man at the main gate capered in a bottle-green..."
You might describe Lex's costume if it is one, or mention the same height/hair and that he has a mask.

Have an emotional response to the metal scratching - disbelief, satisfaction, just to let us know this has never happened before.

Look in "the Scrab" chapter 29 (or just about any other chapter during the race). I try to transition from long descriptive to choppy, and direct.
- Rhine

Hey-

I type notes as I go and once thing I've noticed immediately is that you're writing is a lot tighter in Chapter one than the prologue.

LOVE: You end each section with a nice hook, making the reader want to carry on. The pacing. The characters. The conflict!

I do have some nitpicks. Before I carry on, I have to say I only did this for two chapters. (Typically, the same things would need to be fixed throughout) Take my nitpicks with a grain of salt or a shot of tequila. Whatever. Down the hatch. It's only my opinion and personal preferences. I am not a published author.


PROLOGUE

Nit: Echo: dark sky and black sky. Lose the second black sky and it still makes sense. After all, the stars and the moon are in the sky.

LOVE: the disco ball analogy
(and the name Samantha ***wink***)

Nit: Vary some of your sentences. Sometimes they can be more powerful if shorter. Break them up. Try and make things a bit tighter. (i.e.) 2nd paragraph. A fresh puff of steam blocked Samantha's vision. Unhindered, she ran straight through it until she came out to other side. (etc.)

Nit: Don't use words like see/saw, feel, felt, hear, heard. You're telling the story from her perspective--a close third. Just go for it.

Nit: Lose was verbs where you can. (i.e,) despite the fact that Samantha was sprinting could be despite the fact Samantha sprinted. (I'd lose the part with the man walking or rework it)

LOVE: Wait, there was no plan B. I'd put this on it's own line.

Nit: look for how many times you use as she or as the. See if you can rephrase.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE: The conflict you've set up in this scene. And you end it with a hook.

Nit: You can lose some of the dialogue tags. Just keep the action. Watch where you say/infer the same thing twice, but in a different way. (I.e.) she said jokingly followed by Lex smiled at her sarcasm... (I'd lose the she said jokingly)

Nit: There was a knock at the door. could be A knock rattled the door. watch for echos. Next sentence should be: Lex towards it.

LOVE: The descriptions of people are great.

LOVE: the leggings line! Hilarious.

Nit: You use a lot of adverbs. Maybe cut some of them.

All in all, great job. I've read the first five sections and I'll be back to read more. Heavily starred and on my WL. If you have any spec. questions, I'm more than happy to answer.

You have a fascinating idea here. I read several different chapters and I was hooked. I would like to know where this ends. Kenny

SUPERHATED
Dear christopher,
This is an amazing book. Full of wonderful characters and with many, many hooks. Your writing style is easy to read and the text is well edited. God descriptions and nice tight prose.
Happy to have this on my shele.
Faith
THE CROSSING & THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Hi,
I may be a newly published author but that doesn't mean I know how to write, so take me with a barrel of salt!
You’ll hate me for this and I apologise in advance:
The very first paragraph has some problems. It isn’t badly written but there are sides to it I would change (for good or ill I don’t know).
The steam pouring from the window mixed with the cool night air, floating upwards to a dark sky. The clear, cloudless September night left the stars to sparkle and the moon to shine, like a giant disco ball on scattering glitter below.
Yours – 56 words mine -42.
The difference is the repetitions. You’ve said the sky was dark and clear so saying there are no visible clouds is repetitive. Don’t start sentences with ‘It was’ or ‘there was’. Try to keep your writing immediate. The steam pouring is more immediate than Steam poured.
I only say this because the very opening sentences are what the reader assumes your writing is all about. It is vital for it to be tight.
Second para seems to have the word ‘steam’ overused. Vapour, cloudiness, mist, fog are good alternatives. Also you once again tell us the steam is coming from the window – repetition.
I would also leave out ‘proudly’ it adds nothing and confuses because it doesn’t imply a threat.
‘Samantha sprinted out of the alley into the street, empty now of the shoppers cramming it during the daytime.'
‘Ran fast as possible’ well, she wouldn’t run slowly – you can do better than this describing the haste and desperation. Instead of telling us – show us. How was her breathing? Did her heart race? Was she sweating?
Ch 2:
You describe the Cunninghams well in narrative prose. Maybe if you made a scene [describe the place, the sights, sounds, smells - show your characters not in minute detail but enough for the reader to identify – then show them doing something – then dialogue which may reveal characteristics of who they are and what their backgrounds are then close with either the thoughts of your characters or the consequences of the scene] it would encourage the reader to make metal pictures of the Cunninghams rather than simply you telling us about them.
Finally, dialogue. Don’t qualify your speeches with –ly adverbs.
E.g. ‘she said politely’ If your dialogue isn’t strong enough to indicate politeness then re-write it. It’s no good resolving your own insecurities by telling the reader in an aside that the speech was polite. A simple ‘he said’ ‘she said’ is sufficient to orientate the reader and most don’t even notice you’ve done it as if those words are like punctuation.
So all that editing rubbish out of the way, what did I think?
I like this because it is original, intelligent and the pace is good.
I’ve backed it because with an edit it will be good.
Try ‘Self-editing for Fiction-writers’ by Renni Browne and Dave King – paperback on Amazon. It will change your writing painlessly and quickly – it did mine!
Best of luck with it!

I was so happy to see you added another chapter! Your story has me hooked and I will be continually checking for new chapters :)
I also love how you switched to all of your characters throughout the announcement... and now I have to know what happens to Lex (personally one of my favorites).

Christopher I love this! many stars, watched and backed and put on shelf when i have space -- already up to chapt four -- sharp, smart, enjoyable great paced writing and story. thx for backing my book as well -- am so happy to have found Superhated k x

Hi Christopher,

You're definitely a genious at 19! You have a great talent many of us aspire to have. Your opening chapter is a blast and then you follow with a great piece of literature on your second chapter. What school did you attend? What do you eat? I want to do the same to see if I can at least follow your footsteps.

Great work and incredible talent. You should be at the editor's desk right now.

David Placeres
Sunless Shadows

CC, what i notice first is your narrative voice: intelligent, tongue-in-cheek, engaging. makes me settle in, sets up the expectation of a first-rate story. i'm not disappointed.
on my shelf.
i could send only kudoes, but have a thought that may strike a chord. if not, pls ignore ;)
i found i had to read some long sentences twice. hey, i have plenty of long sentences too, so it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black ;). anyway, here's one i had to re-read: the last sentence, first para of ch 3.
"This was just one piece of evidence that proved against them how ..." maybe break up?
great read!
best wishes, andy

Just finished the first chapter. Intriguing ending. I loved the prologue and the overall idea but I thought the first chapter could do with a little more pace. A lot of the detail could be filled in, as we go. Why not start at the masquerade?
I made notes on a few petty things as I read the first chapter:
Paragrpah 1- "that proved against them" not sure if this is right
Paragraph 2 - switch of tense "he has had to endure"
Paragraph 3 - ”parents" twice in one sentence
Paragrpah 4 - "new ways to make the same old money" Loved this phrase
Paragraph 5 - "children" twice in one sentence
Paragraph ? - Really petty, but mirrors are not nailed to walls.

Good luck,
Mark (Verity)

I really enjoy your narrative. YoI really like the way you write. You can see everything that's happening so clearly from your ddescription and you can feel the atmosphere. I'm only a chapter in but I look forward to continuing reading this. Certainly backed with pleasure.

Tess

Had a chance to read more of this this weekend. Liked it when I read it before; like it again now. Wonder if you could take a minute to look at mine: GRAIN OF SALT. I'm in 4th place but hanging on by my teeth. Thanks for any help you could give me. Burgio

An intriguing journey filled with surprises. Fascinating characters with real emotions. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Clever storyline. Superb pacing. Backed.

Very good long pitch, enticing. This took us into a fast paced prologue that was full or drama and menace and ended up with a show stopping load of foreshadowing. Once we are into the next chapter you show your worth at the quality of your dialogue. I hope this does well for you.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

You have a fascinating idea here. I read several different chapters and I'm wondering how all the people with special powers seem to be so easily captured by people without special powers. The Base is interesting. I would like to know where you are going with this and how it ends.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

You have a fascinating idea here. I read several different chapters and I'm wondering how all the people with special powers seem to be so easily captured by people without special powers. The Base is interesting. I would like to know where you are going with this and how it ends.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Hi, apologies for the delay in reading your book. I really like the way you've introduced mystery in a short intro and launched into a different, but equally enticing, subject in the next chapter (I have a bit of a fixation with really posh people!) Thanks for backing mine last week. Yours is backed & on my watchlist! Cheers, Adelina

Hi Chris

Great title, great idea. I don't think you need to emphasise the point about superheros being discriminated against for their powers in the long pitch, since basically the same idea is already in X-Men.

It's a great story and the pacing is good. I found the characters and dialogue a little stiff eg when Clarissa first comes in and Lex asks her politely how she is - that's far too formal to the woman who has brought him up from a child. Also there are bits like your describing the public school as the "prominent Winchester College" - surely a teenager growing up in Winchester and actually attending the school would never think of it in those terms (and this section is after all from Lex's pov)? Clear up those areas of stiffness and I think you will have a terrific book that will appeal to the teenage boy market. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

You have a very smooth writing style. I backed your book on that alone after only a couple pages. Best of luck. R.G.

Very interesting twist on the ever popular superhero genre. The premise is both philosophical and frightening. The writing is clean and the action moves briskly. You do a good job building the characters, and I love the Prince and the Pauper scenario by which Lex learns of his powers. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Hi Christopher, So enjoyable, the dialogue between Lex and Charlotte, his flippant personality. I only had to pause where the background paragraph, "It was the topic of magazines....", seemed to collide with the present, "It took only a few minutes for Lex..." The events at the masquerade ball were hilariously rendered and when that black van from the previous chapter drove in, I began to go into stitches. Wish I could read on today. Shelved with pleasure - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Good opening. One grammatical error: man who had chased her STANDING in
Alexander cunningham chapter: your first two paragraphs need rewriting. clumsy overlong sentences.
'Ever-so-proper' puts their origins firmly in polite working class, not average middle class. Get yourself invited to a weekend with Sloanes to get the tone and interactions right. It doesn't ring true. I can see where you're going with this and how you're building Lex's character, but you must have the feel of this correct so that it convinces your reader.
I like your premise. Not sure how the government would get the superhumans on their side only to get them despised - the supers would surely see through this and rebel, or more likely, perform a more powerful manoevre.
Backed. Hope this was helpful
Lara
Good for Him

This is an excellntly written book and deserves backing.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek insside The Russian Hat. I could sure use the lift.

warm wishes

Brendan

I think that this has a lot of promise; my only fear for you is that you will fall into crafting it to be too similar to X-men or something like that. I've only read the first few chapters and so far, all looks well - you've avoided that pitfall to this point!

Best Wishes,
Ian Kraft
(The Freel of Streel)

Good title. Highly valid premise. I read the first several chapters. The action is erratic, though, and the characters not very likable.

holy crap this is what i have been looking for. Its like a cross between heroes and X-men. I'ma giant nerd when it comes to stories about superpowers. Actually, my book, The Xenton Chronicles, is about super powers. But yours, that twist you have with it is amazing. Totally backed. Im hella gonna start reading it now. consider this backed!!
Xenton-W.M.

This is not the kind of a story I usually read, but I enjoyed yours.
You got a great voice…keep it up. You got my backing.
If you got a moment maybe you could look up my book, TO KILL A DEAD MAN

good book. does what it says on the tin. very readable and enjoyable- should do well... on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

I just finished your first chapter - AWESOME!!! I can't wait to come back this evening and read more. I love Lex, even though he is whining a little at this point - when he is now a superhero peeling back the metal after Ryan...great! I love superhero stories, I guess it is a product of having young boys (LOL), but I do...and I am really excited about this one! The last one that I seriously remember as having any kind of teenage twist that was worth anything was Sky High and that was ok...this is already a notch above! Sincerely, April

I always wanted to have super powers and used to dream about flying.. i love a book that reminds me of that.. backed :)

You have a really interesting premise. Good luck with your story, Chistopher.

When I started reading this, I had to click back to your profile page to see what your favorite books were, because I was surprised that a 19-year-old could have such insight into characterization. Of course, you have listed no books, so that didn't help. Sorry to bring up your age but one good thing about getting older, especially if it comes along with constant reading, is that you gain insight into people's eccentricities/fears/pains/etc., merely because you have met/read about so many different types. So to have this talent for characterization, for seeing to a bigger picture with people, is a talent you shouldn't squander. What needs work: you have some punctuation errors here and there, and too often you describe HOW someone is saying something and WHAT they are doing while speaking. I think if you read aloud, you'll find that this mostly slows the pace and usually isn't that interesting. Trust that your reader can get some of this from what is said and let him draw some conclusions on his own--it's one of the fulfilling parts of reading. You are tremendously talented, and I like the story idea. Revise, revise, revise!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

This is a great idea, and I hope it does really well for you.

I have a couple of issues with it - the first is that I do something that I, admittedly, am guilty of: overqualifying. In the Prologue you said the night was clear, then continued to say there were no clouds straight after. 'Clear' implies 'no clouds'. There are some other instances, but I'll let you edit your own work, I'm not going to say I'm an expert! Secondly, personally I felt very little connection with the characters. They live in a world that I have no interest in (the rich bit, not the awesome superhero bit). I'm hoping that the more I read, the more I get to like them - as yet, I don't really know anything about them or feel for them.

But the story is great. The Prologue races along, and the settings are well described - I can't wait to carry on and find out what happens (up to chapter 13 that is).

Good Luck!

Esme C
'The Summoner'

Wonderfully imaginative and compelling. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

SUPERHATED
Christopher Coutoure

Well, I am frustrated. Only 13 Chapters and I am now addicted to Superhated and need MORE! Do you plan to put up further chapters? Wow, I hope so. This was so compelling that I could not stop even to eat until I got through all of it.

I am amazed at your skill with juggling all these characters and absolutely fascinated wondering how you are going to bring them all together. It seems like you have begun this excercise and it's probably one of the most difficult tasks in storytelling. Holding the reins on a cast of this many characters takes someone who just has a natural talent to craft a superb novel. If you are this good at your age, you will throw us all into an awestruck oblivion when you reach your high stride.

There is a certain suspense you have injected into your chapters that pulled me along with my eyes popping out of my head. Wait a minute! Hold on. What just happened? That is what went through my mind as I read. You have more hooks in this novel than my Grandpa's fishing hat. It's splendid, Christopher. No I am not intending this to sound like gushing. I am just enthusiastic when I find a really great story.

I feel honored to have my novel backed by one with your skill. I thank you sincerely for your support of A King in Time. Obviously, I am more than pleased to back Superhated.

Thank you.

Mary Enck

This was a great read. Backed!!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

I was hooked right away by the pitch. I've added you to my watchlist. I will look forward to reading more. Good luck with this. Great idea for a story. :-)

I've fished in and out of this and I think it's worth backing. But I think the opening needs tuning. I think, and it's only my opinion, that it is a mistake to start with a somewhat languid description and scene setting, then switch to action. In a pacy action scene you need to use only words that count. Less is more. So:

'As she passed a mobile phone shop, she raced down the dark side-street next to it' becomes 'She raced down a dark side-street.'
Keep it in mind, and keep going. You don't write books you re-write them over and over again. Best of luck.

Cross out "heroes" and replace it with "hated", and you've got my attention. Write about injustice and attack paradigms of power without preaching, and I'll continue reading. Inject a strong element of wit and humor and don't insult my intelligence by trying to write a popular sci-fi thriller, and I'll read more than just a couple chapters. Show me that you have done all of the above yet still remained shackled by a negative integer on the insipid Authonomy charts, and I'll back the hell out of your book.

This place is a mess. Your writing is not.

On my shelf -- and forget about the f-ing numbers. Talent means little in the age of escape.

Best,

Greg
Notes on an Orange Burial (a tragicomedy)

Hi Christopher
This is a great idea for a book and you tell the story well. I like your spin on the modern super hero. This is highly addictive and I enjoyed what I read very much.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This is my second time reading your story (killing time haha). I love your style and love the new chapters.

This is my second time reading your story (killing time haha). I love your style and love the new chapters.

The Cunninghams are recognisable and real. Character and dialogue are effortless and true. The opening chapter likewise. It takes skill not to try too hard, even in frightening scenes. Backed. Lynn

Superhated

Christopher, I like your story...really good read.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge...rises)

Good twist on the usual superhero lore, you humanise them by placing them in the same category as minorities who have had to fght for their rights. I can just picture Superman getting egged for trying to win favour by saving a speeding train going off the tracks. This is a great examination of how the human mind perceives others different to them-and the first thing they do is try and destroy anything that threatens their own sense of importance. Wonderful, so layered, so thought provoking and a mirror to ourselves.

Hi Christopher

Have just read the fisrt few chapters of your manuscript and I really enjoyed them, I thought you masterfully portrayed the main characters sense of wonderment and terror as he discovers his new powers, great read, shelved.

Good luck
Cerys (Gabriel)

Hi Chris, I thought this was a very original and well-written thriller.
I've backed it with pleasure.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I loved your opening chapter. Not sure how necessary that first paragraph is, but once I moved past that I enjoyed it. And it kind of have a movie-like feel to it. I wonder what will happen to her.

Backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Christopher, you have done a fine job of setting the scene and sparking suspense. You have great characters and a intriguing premise for your story. SUPERHATED is sure to rise in the standings. You have some wonderfully clever original phrasing, like comparing the moon to a disco ball. Your writing will have more power and punch if you replace all the cliche's with your own creative phrases. Cliches such as "not a cloud in sight" "ran as fast as possible"

SUPERHATED has great potential and any effort you put in to polishing your writing will be well-rewarded. I have learned much since uploading FIREWALLS to Authonomy. I've blogged about some errors common to us novice novelists, if you are interested. http://eileenschuh.blogspot.com

It is especially crucial in action scenes to have tight writing. Perhaps something like this for your opening sentence: (words in [ ] to be deleted):

"Steam poured out [[of] a window, [and] mixed into the cool air, [as it] and floated [up toward] to the dark sky."

Also, be wary of overusing "as" "...as she looked straight ahead..." "as she passed" "As the double-decker bus..."

Good luck with SUPERHATED! I see a Best Seller in the works.

Eileen Schuh Canadian Author FIREWALLS