Blood Addiction

Janet
I think you are very brave writing a vampire book in the current blood-soaked market. But you take such a refreshing angle and write in such a strong, intimate voice that this it kinda addictive. Oh dear, I think I have blood lust again.
What I also like about this is that you build on the original vamp to modernise the genre. You write with such finesse and ease that this is very easy to become embroiled in and it is a pleasure to read. You have somewhat of an expert penning hand when it comes to pacing and tension, and I can see this doing really well. Just one thought I had – maybe tag this as YA too? Not sure. I’ll read more to find out, but in the meantime, I’m shelving this with pleasure.
Warmest Wishes
David
Green Ore

You certainly know how to create tension! An interesting new take on the classic vampire story, and well told at that. The writing and dialogue are such that I think this would do well with a commercial market, you don't alienate all but fantasy/horror fans which is good. My one nit is your possible overuse of adverbs; good in some cases, cluttered in others. For example:

'He looked around unbelievingly.' How do you look around unbelievingly exactly? This example could work better by breaking up the looking and unbelieving parts, ie: 'He looked around, not believing what he saw.'

Just a simple crit really, one to talk with a pinch of salt, by all means ignore it.

Best of luck!

Andrew

Vampire stories are put down these days. Ultimately they are the best of horror/ fantasy genre. You can do so much with them; you can even make them good. This story one is good, well told, fast moving. I do wonder, though- would it be better in present tence all the time. Either way -good story telling. I am backing your book.

Hi Janet!

Ooohhh... That's a wicked scary cover! LOVE IT!!!

Your writing style is fantastic and your storyline is as gripping as I expected from the cover art. Good stuff! The only nit I had was in the last line of your intro - I don't think you need a semicolon - a comma should be fine there. This is going on my shelf immediately!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Bloody great pitch, bloody great cover and a bloody great opening! Yeah, I'm repetitive but what the hell. Yeah, okay there are errors, typos and the like but that's not my thinkg. Bottom line this is a good story and very sellable concept and has bags of potential. Read the comments below, they will be better than mine, but keep the faith and keep going! Good luck!
Simon x

Janet,
Holy strangler! That's what I call an opening. That's one hungry Vampire. Very descriptive to say the least. Your writing is excellent. Very artful narrative and crisp dialogue. One of the best Vampire stories I've seen. Keep up the good work and get it finished. Fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Wow! Big difference. Still the same story, the same essence, but I felt *more* this time while reading. You've done a lot of good things to make this more accessible. I noticed some punctuation problems, but that's no big deal ;) I do believe you're definitely on the right track here! Just a bit more polishing, maybe, but heck, who's book doesn't need that. I felt that you finally gave what I asked for as a reader. And, as a reader, I care about the story now. Thanks for letting me know you revised this. I look forward to reading more of it and seeing it progress. I'm re-shelving it for exposure =)

-Eden / The Abandoned Edge of Avalon

Hey,
First off, i like your cover and pitch. Both will get you some reads.
Vladmir, i love that name, there's just something so cool about it.
You have a good premise for a story. Some vampire stories aren't very good, but i'm glad to say that yours doesn't fall into that categeory. I enjoyed this and for that, you are on my shelf.

Regards,

Mark H

Love the cover! The first chapter really drew me in, altho I wasn't sure about him killing the woman from the bar and then drinking her blood. Usually in stories vampires drink first and then kill, that way the heart can still pump the blood out.

Very descriptive and fast paced. I think with some polishing this could really be a fantastic read. You have some past/present tense issues that once I think you work those out this will really pop.

Love the new cover and I look forward to re-reading. On my watchlist and I'll check it out this afternoon!!
-Eden* =)

This one is a very different vampire story. The technique of switching narrators is unorthodox but works very well. The reader is pulled into the story very subtly as the tension rises and information is fed in. It goes to show that vampire stories always have a head-start in the literary stakes. Backed.

This is very well written. I love vampire stories. I really liked your beginning. I was pulled into his world right away. One point, if you're adding speech tags you should use a comma, not a full stop e.g. 'Okay.' She replied. This should be 'Okay,' she replied. You do this a lot. It would be a real pity if your story was rejected by an editor for this reason. I've had a story rejected because of a few grammatical mistakes and its horrible. Shelved.

Who would ever think that a murderous vampire would be so damn likeable? Love his commen on the day time: "full of boring people who do boring jobs they despise." That about sums it up. Life sucks then you die then you become a vampire then you live forever unless someone stakes you and so on and so forth. The madness never ends. haha. WL.

Janet,
I think this races along faster than any vampire story I've seen on authonomy. Viadimir is a murderer, of course, but I like this guy! Who could resist a vampire who says: "I'm a good looking guy and I know it. If that makes me arrogant, so I'm arrogant. Sue me." Love it.

The pace is just right. I live in New York, so the search throughout the city for Viadimir is interesting, but it's the lively tone that makes this soar. I did spot a couple of typos (one is in sentence where you introduce Ed Kavanaugh.). But I read here on authonomy mostly for content, and you have it. This is an excellent story.
Shelved.
Mark

Janet, you've characterised Vladimir excellently. I read with trepidation because you write very atmospherically and when we're dealing with vampires who knows what's going to happen? But I enjoyed it immensely. Have you read Drew Cross' book? I think it would interest you. Very well done, Janet. Shelved.
Lynn

First off, terrific pace, really snappy, and very readable.

Second, vampires, so I'm sold.

Third, The Others have said all that needs to be said re: polishing.

Backed, wishing you luck,

Craig
The Estate

OK so it's kinda creepy being inside the mind of a vampire, this is very well done and an interesting opening, kind of reminds of some of the lines in The Lost Boys, I like your pitches and hope this does really well. Shelved.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Plenty of things to praise about this book - good dialogue, a compelling MC, and the promise of an interesting denouement. All of these things make it worth a spin on the shelf. However...A bit more polishing would make it even better (you have already had plenty of comments to help you with this). I also think it would help to hook the reader in even more if you introduced more mystery/intrigue in the opening chapter. We already know the conventions of the genre - as 'otherworldly' as it is, we know exactly what's going on. Perhaps you should raise some other questions in the reader's mind (apart from why your MC passed out) that will make them want to read on even more. Not sure what they might be - over to you!

this is really cool from what I have read. I think this can be something unique and edgy with a touch of polishing.
one thing that did keep jarring me was your detectives sound much to educated and not very much like a new york native. this could be just a me thing because I am american and my ex is a new york detective.lol.
otherwise, I am happy to put this on my shelf because I want to keep reading!

I really like the idea of this and was drawn in immediately by the MC's POV. I felt that experiencing what 'the hunt' is like for him was great, if a bit rough. Don't get me wrong, the writing is great, but I feel it can be tightened up a bit. For example, your second and third sentences could be tweaked just a tad and read a bit cleaner:: "It has a seductive quality that is unmistakable. The days are brash and uninteresting; full of boring people who work boring jobs they despise." In no way am I telling you *how* to write, this is just what struck me right away and might make others stumble as well.
This is good and I feel it deserves more from you. The two sentences I switched up automatically fixed a couple of things. One, the 'to it' about the night is unnecessary...it's a given. It's better to not use more words than necessary---only use what the reader absolutely needs so they can glide through your words without problems. Two, a misspelling was fixed. And three, 'do' is a pretty vague word. 'Work' is nothing special, but fits the sentence much better. The third sentence could even lose the second 'boring,' unless you want it for effect.
I felt the killing could have been described a bit more. You went into so much detail about how he got ready and how he felt about himself and how he hooked the girl, but then the reader (i.e. me ;)) is left dissatisfied with the brief climax.
Going on with the police and the people in the lab was good, but I feel that could be expanded on also. Especially when Harry says, "I might have to believe him." Isn't that a bit blase--or is that just me? I would expect a human to have a different reaction to something of the sort.
I read on and I really enjoyed this and think you have something great here. A good twist on a vampire story is always something I can get into. I only offer these suggestions because I feel there is potential and it's a book I'd like to own once it's polished up a bit more. And your writing suggests that you are capable. I don't shelve based on if a book's ready for publication because, let's face it, *most* books on this site aren't... I place a book on my shelf if it's something that struck my fancy or I like the writer's style (etc...) or, like with yours, both of those occur and it's a book I'd like to see have some work done to it and then climb the charts and get ready for publication. I never offer comments to offend. The exact opposite is true; if I take the time to suggest things, it means the book hit a nerve -- good or bad -- hitting a reader's emotions in any way is an amazing thing, so bravo on that!
This is already on my shelf and will stay on my watchlist afterward so I can check any progress =)
Good stuff here
-Eden*

Wow...Poor Vlad. Why can't they let a vampire
drink in peace!............On my shelf. Horrific stuff.
Suggestions.
If I were you I would go all the way with the realism.
E G in Ch 1 ...Drinks blood.. but human holds about 8 liters,
does he store the rest?..And would it come out with the victim dead?
and what about the bed and the body...Details your skeptical readers may ask,
I would indicate just that you thaought of them!.
Alll the best with it............Mikey (The Free)

Janet,

Saw this relatively new work moving up the charts rapidly and thought I'd take a look.

Sarting with the pitch, you have a simple long pitch that sets out who the main characters are, what the inciting incident is and refers to the story question and the complications that will be faced along the way. Two minor observations, it would be nice to where this happens and, even though your pitch is short, I'd advise breaking it into three paragraphs (a sentence each) as white space really aids reading.

Now, the short pitch: I hadn't read much, if any, vampire fiction before I joined this site, but now I'm becoming quite familiar with it, this is the genre of the moment, but that means you have to stand out from the crowd. I'm not sure your short pitch quite does that.

Also, for similar reasons, I'd recommend getting a custom cover for your work as the generic ones tend to blend into the background.

I noticed in an earlier comment that Edd mentioned the number of 'buts' you have in your first paragraph, there's other reptition there too, (boring, day, night, about) this may be deliberate but it's not quite enough to create that effect, to my ear anyway.

Then the second half of the paragraph has a number of uses of 'was' which tend to slow the passage down, if you can avoid these I think it will move faster. For example where you have:

That particular night I woke up slowly, I was warm and comfortable at first and I didn't feel like moving but the I started to feell my hunger burning. My throat was dry but my stomach was aching and my bones were taut as if they'd been stretched on a rack.

You might try something like:

I woke slowly. Warm and comfortable I lay put until my hunger began to burn: dry throat, aching stomach and bones taut as if stretched on a rack.

There's good voice in the second paragraph and I like the asides, and the cowboy boots.

Now we move to the second scene and Ed the cop. The first thing I notice is a change of tense. This present tense is quite unusal in mainstream fiction, especially mixed with the precedin first-person past tense. And occasionaly you slip into past (such as the tag to Ed's line "What can I say Grace?").

Then another after a short return to our MCs first-person past tense we get another viewpoint, this time Tracey Jensen and it's past tense again, but this time third-person.

Back to Ed and present tense--again with at least one slip to past.

Quick cut to Cindy, a reporter, and we have another third-person past tense scene.

I notice that others have commented on the number of viewpoints you use. I think the issue of tense is complicating that. The choice of present tense for the scenes with Ed seems odd, I think if you changed that to past tense you'd eliminate a lot of the problems. You may want to look too, though, at esablishing each viewpoint character, so that the first scene for each is long enough to give the reader a feel for them. You do that with your MC, and Tracey--to some extent--but some of the other characters, particularly Cindy, are not really developed.

Having said all that, there's great tension here and good plot development.

I'm going to give this a spin on my shelf.

Hi Janet,

This was a brilliant story....i loved your opening...feeling the water on flesh to feel human. There has always been a fascination with vampires...they have a certain class...or so i am led to believe ;)
And you give your main character so much class. I was spellbound by him.

I did notice within the first two paragraphs the amount of 'buts' you used....i don't know, they just jumped out...try substituting.

Also note 'back yard' are not two separate words.

Love the way you bring in different parts for each of the characters.

Also note 'Glamorous' it should be in the sentence 'Eddie the cop reappears...'

Brilliant read from a very talented writer...on my shelf.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Hi Janet, the vampire theme is hugely popular at the moment, which of course means there's a lot of competition out there too. This has a great premise, simple pitch and you write with an easy pace and style. Frankly, I found the first chapter a bit scattered. Too many POVs and short little scenes which I couldn't piece together very well, more like a film than a book. (That may be just me, of course). Also the use of present and past tense - not sure this works too well - it's very difficult to pull off as we all know. Would imagine the style and voice of this book would work in the YA market, but it needs a lot of polishing first. All the best with it, Sarah

Hello Janet,

I have to admit that is not my regular genre but your style,plot and the characters made me to read two chapters tonight. Vladimir is a unique character. Overall, this is a smooth flowing story. with fascinating descriptions, a rich prose and effective dialogue. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

I'll have to come back and read this; because the website is currently acting up and I cannot read your book (or any other book), you are SHELVED! I do look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File