Attack on Vesta Central

Hello Piotr,

You wrote a story on a very fascinating premise, indicating the wideness of your imagination and grasp of ongoing developments in the field of space. The scenarios are plausible and for a sci-fi, I would say that you did a great job making it almost true-to-life with well-observed characters, smooth prose, great dialogue and a brilliant plot.

However, I would suggest that you tighten the prologue. Given an extra touch, this is a story that has what it takes to strike a chord with its target readership and even beyond. Still I will suggest you check these out:

.....Nothing( brought) more joy to.....
....party faithfuls," he started to (gain)

Also, I was hazy on this sentence.(The fact that for his participation, in the formation of the Jovian Intelligence Group, he had served as the number two in charge of the Internal Affairs. )

Overall, I enjoyed the story. Good luck with it.Rightly shelved.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This is well plotted to my way of thinking and it's shaping up to be a good read, actually it already is a good read. I liked the changes of pov, great to get into all the player's heads. I jus had a peek at the other comments and I think it would work as a longer piece also but then again I think it works at this length too. So anything you do with the length is definitely your personal choice. Good work and I'm shelving.

Just the right stuff for aficionados of this Sci-Fi genre:

“Space stations were as abundant as battleships were as rare within the Fleet as they were flexible, with only one or two in the service at any given time. They were the headquarters to flagships and main staging centers for the Fleet arm and the planet Earth, and a means to remind the colonies of how much power could be unleashed on them if they ever stepped out of line.”

With perfect story-telling:

“The Repulse was the Fleet’s second and oldest battleship in service, predating even the formation of Orbital Treaty Organization by a good decade, and his old command before his demotion. Aboard her were 150 astronauts, crew chiefs and mission specialists, and had enough firepower to hold any nation on Earth and Mars at bay for extended periods of time.”

But with human interest too:

““I take it you remember the fiasco that followed the death of a number of cadets several years ago?” he wanted to know, and saw her nod.
The incident involved was a real-life training scenario, aboard the Academy clippership Le Forge, that went catastrophically wrong when the crew of trainees and their instructors crashed into a French registered cargo-freighter entering Mars orbit. All but Cadet Francis Bowden died, and he was medically discharged as a result.”
He shrugged, and continued. “My son was a trainee corpsman assigned to the Le Forge. My wife, Elena, never approved of him enlisting into the Fleet, stating that having me there was hard enough as it was, and consequently had a nervous breakdown.” Another shrug. “When she got out of therapy, she filed for divorce on the grounds that being with me was stressful for her.””

There must also be action though:

“Oh shit!” yelped Red. “We just lost the Rhine!”
Akers frowned as he looked ahead, no longer needing the fighter’s targeting systems to watch as the taskforce’s only other destroyer unsuccessfully tried to avoid a dozen long-range missiles, as they impacted smack into its nose mounted shuttlebay and bow....
“Enemy fighters in range,” announced Focell. “Move in and engage. They’re not to penetrate our defenses.””

All in all a good read from this genre. Shelved.

Just the right stuff for aficionados of this Sci-Fi genre:

“Space stations were as abundant as battleships were as rare within the Fleet as they were flexible, with only one or two in the service at any given time. They were the headquarters to flagships and main staging centers for the Fleet arm and the planet Earth, and a means to remind the colonies of how much power could be unleashed on them if they ever stepped out of line.”

With perfect story-telling:

“The Repulse was the Fleet’s second and oldest battleship in service, predating even the formation of Orbital Treaty Organization by a good decade, and his old command before his demotion. Aboard her were 150 astronauts, crew chiefs and mission specialists, and had enough firepower to hold any nation on Earth and Mars at bay for extended periods of time.”

But with human interest too:

““I take it you remember the fiasco that followed the death of a number of cadets several years ago?” he wanted to know, and saw her nod.
The incident involved was a real-life training scenario, aboard the Academy clippership Le Forge, that went catastrophically wrong when the crew of trainees and their instructors crashed into a French registered cargo-freighter entering Mars orbit. All but Cadet Francis Bowden died, and he was medically discharged as a result.”
He shrugged, and continued. “My son was a trainee corpsman assigned to the Le Forge. My wife, Elena, never approved of him enlisting into the Fleet, stating that having me there was hard enough as it was, and consequently had a nervous breakdown.” Another shrug. “When she got out of therapy, she filed for divorce on the grounds that being with me was stressful for her.””

There must also be action though:

“Oh shit!” yelped Red. “We just lost the Rhine!”
Akers frowned as he looked ahead, no longer needing the fighter’s targeting systems to watch as the taskforce’s only other destroyer unsuccessfully tried to avoid a dozen long-range missiles, as they impacted smack into its nose mounted shuttlebay and bow....
“Enemy fighters in range,” announced Focell. “Move in and engage. They’re not to penetrate our defenses.””

All in all a good read from this genre. Shelved.

This is well plotted to my way of thinking and it's shaping up to be a good read, actually it already is a good read. I liked the changes of pov, great to get into all the player's heads. I jus had a peek at the other comments and I think it would work as a longer piece also but then again I think it works at this length too. So anything you do with the length is definitely your personal choice. Good work and I'm shelving.

Hi Piotr!

You've got a great style to sci-fi writing, and this has a lot of promise. Great job - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hey, Piotr, i wasn't going to log in but I saw you post on a thread and thought I'd check to see if you had something new up. I'll come back and read the rest of this piece tomorrow.

One thing that struck me in the first paragraph of the prologue is the 'he thought' bit. I think and this is my own preference btw. Wouldn't it read a bit smoother if you omitted the 'he thought', like: 'Straw shook his head. He wouldn't want to know how much etc.' ??? Looks interesting though, so will be back.

Good to see your still writing great scifi. This has the feel of something larger and I could see you making this into are great novel rather than a short. There's nothing wrong with shorts but I think you need to run with this for it truely is good. WLed.

Hello Piotr,

You wrote a story on a very fascinating premise, indicating the wideness of your imagination and grasp of ongoing developments in the field of space. The scenarios are plausible and for a sci-fi, I would say that you did a great job making it almost true-to-life with well-observed characters, smooth prose, great dialogue and a brilliant plot.

However, I would suggest that you tighten the prologue. Given an extra touch, this is a story that has what it takes to strike a chord with its target readership and even beyond. Still I will suggest you check these out:

.....Nothing( brought) more joy to.....
....party faithfuls," he started to (gain)

Also, I was hazy on this sentence.(The fact that for his participation, in the formation of the Jovian Intelligence Group, he had served as the number two in charge of the Internal Affairs. )

Overall, I enjoyed the story. Good luck with it.Rightly shelved.

All the best.
Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Piotr.
Wow, you certainly know how to handle sci-fi. The technical stuff all sounds spot on. Personally, I think I would have opened with dialogue rather than the dry and complicated passage you have at present. Why not start with "We're coming into range, Admiral," and then switch back to the current opening para.
I would also not bother with the italics, it often puts people off as it's not very easy to read. You also have Ch 2 in bold type - I think it would be much better to stick to the same font and type throughout.

Ch 1 either needs a heading or some indication early in the opening para to let the reader know where they are. It's clear we're no longer on the spaceship but some idea of where this is taking place would be good.

I saw one or two nits:
'tempting to cut her blood thirsty enthusiasm...' *tempted* to cut. Then cut 'but' and begin new sentence,' He thought better of it...'
'one he was more then happy to answer...' should be *than*
'uncertain how to respond.' Cut the scene-break asterisks here because the next passage follows straight on.
"The entire Titov clan..." It's no clear whether Abronski has said this to Titov or not, it seems an odd thing for him to say. And 'Abronski had pushed ever since elected...' should have *being* after 'since'. You need to look at this whole passage, it doesn't make clear sense.
'he stated to gained everybody's attention...' should be *gain*.

Nits aside I thought this was a very assured piece of writing and I'm certain sci-fi fans will lap it up.
Shelved.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

love science fiction, This is enjoyable,
starting with ..how much that burn cost the taxpayers..
Short maybe for a novel but could be part of a collection.
Lots of fun with it......Mikey ............................¿The Free?

Just a question or two: 15,000 sounds more like a novella, to me. Were you planning to add more? Also, can you change the prologue to non-italics? (I for one find all italics hard to read).