Bleeding Heart - Broken Soul

Hi there, just here to read and comment on your book as promised. :) Sorry it's been a while, I've had a long list of reads.

I like the first chapter, especially her confusion over what has happened to her. I think it would be even more effective if we somehow didn't know that she'd been changed into a vampire, because the reader doesn't share her confusion, we're looking at the signs and saying, "How long will it take her to realize what's happened?" When of course any sane person would be just as confused as her in her situation and so would us readers if we didn't have the pitches to tell us what's happened. You do a very good job of unfolding her change throughout the chapter, as well as some snippets of her personality, such as liking animals. I do think perhaps her personality could come through a bit more in this first chapter though. There's so much focus on the change going on in her that we don't learn much at all about her as a person. For instance you mention her work, and then later, "The garage" but we don't know what job she has. You call her life irrelevant, but in what way? Is that her perception of her life at that point? Or her perception of her life after the change looking back at her life before she became a vampire? It would be nice to know more about her if you can weave it in.

These are a few impressions and comments I jotted them down as I read through.

I really like the word picture of the yellow security lights bouncing off the garbage bags. I really got the feel of the alley with that line.

Unlike nothing is a kind of double negative. The usual phrasing is Unlike anything I think.

"I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him" sounds rather awkward.

I slammed the door on my question...nice wording. :)

"and call try calling Joe" editing typo probably.

"due to my head was spinning" Maybe "because my head was spinning" or "due to the fact my head was spinning." ?

"as the force of the all the little bursts" typo

"a dirty ash grey colour" colour is implied so you don't really need to say "colour".

"no humanly way" should it be "humanly possible?"

Overall you write very well, and I'm interested to read on and find out how Eve manages the life thrust upon her. It sounds like you've got a very suspenseful thriller on your hands here! Five stars and best wishes for your success!

Nathan Maki - A War Within

Hi there, just here to read and comment on your book as promised. :) Sorry it's been a while, I've had a long list of reads.

I like the first chapter, especially her confusion over what has happened to her. I think it would be even more effective if we somehow didn't know that she'd been changed into a vampire, because the reader doesn't share her confusion, we're looking at the signs and saying, "How long will it take her to realize what's happened?" When of course any sane person would be just as confused as her in her situation and so would us readers if we didn't have the pitches to tell us what's happened. You do a very good job of unfolding her change throughout the chapter, as well as some snippets of her personality, such as liking animals. I do think perhaps her personality could come through a bit more in this first chapter though. There's so much focus on the change going on in her that we don't learn much at all about her as a person. For instance you mention her work, and then later, "The garage" but we don't know what job she has. You call her life irrelevant, but in what way? Is that her perception of her life at that point? Or her perception of her life after the change looking back at her life before she became a vampire? It would be nice to know more about her if you can weave it in.

These are a few impressions and comments I jotted them down as I read through.

I really like the word picture of the yellow security lights bouncing off the garbage bags. I really got the feel of the alley with that line.

Unlike nothing is a kind of double negative. The usual phrasing is Unlike anything I think.

"I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him" sounds rather awkward.

I slammed the door on my question...nice wording. :)

"and call try calling Joe" editing typo probably.

"due to my head was spinning" Maybe "because my head was spinning" or "due to the fact my head was spinning." ?

"as the force of the all the little bursts" typo

"a dirty ash grey colour" colour is implied so you don't really need to say "colour".

"no humanly way" should it be "humanly possible?"

Overall you write very well, and I'm interested to read on and find out how Eve manages the life thrust upon her. It sounds like you've got a very suspenseful thriller on your hands here! Five stars and best wishes for your success!

Nathan Maki - A War Within

I read through the first chapter. Your short and long pitches are good.
This is a dynamic story from the first sentence. There are a few awkward sentences you might want to take a look at. I like the part about the dog, how she wanted to kill the dog. Very creative, Eve doesn't know she's a vampire and it is slowly being revealed to her, little by little. Good luck with this! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

BLEEDING HEART
This is a story which grabs a reader from the very beginning. I don’t usually care for vampire stories but this one is different; it’s not so much about being a vampire as learning to become a vampire. Makes it easy for a reader to relate to the main character as she experiences all these new sensations and actions. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I love your first chapter and first person POV makes the drama very compelling. She is a believable character and the way she gradually notices the differences after she turns vamp is very cool. I really get the feeling of being inside her head. Good ending to the chapter too..makes me want to read on. There are a few little grammar mistakes and I wondered why she uses the fire exit to leave work instead of the regular door, this kind of hung me up for a minute right at the beginning, especially with the talk about the lighter...I wondered if she is an arsonist or something, but then nothing developed so what was the point of all that? This is confusing and stops the reader from being pulled into the story. But the drama is done very well and it has a very dark feeling, loved it. ~Gail

I like the meeting with her friend Sarah and attempts to maintain that everything is normal when they're clearly not. Very scary stuff. I think you have a talent for the gothic horror.

Wow no dilly-dallying in this story, straight into the action and the turning. Your story flows nicely and your main charter has a real presence about her that i like. Your grammar needs a little bit of work here and there, but i dare say so does mine, lol. You premise that your main charter gets attack by something other then a vampire, and that the vampire is the one coming to her aid is original and refreshing and is something that will deff be something that makes your story stand out from other vampire storys, loved it :-)

I've had a read of some of your book :) it's an interesting plot, and I think the subject matter is very popular at the moment - vampires are a hot commodity right now! I do enjoy that sort of thing so this definitely piqued my curiosity.

The description of the attack felt really good to me, from the sense of panic to her disorientation afterwards. I did think though that Eve's reactions when she realises she's been out for two days and all her injuries fade and here eyes change colour, seem very understated. She doesn't across as very worried, not in an urgent sense - it seems more like it's mildly puzzling for her, which isn't the reaction I'd expect from someone who was attacked and now facing all sorts of unusual occurrences.

Other than that though, I think you have a good story to tell here and a main character who keeps the pace of the story going well. I also like how the action starts quite early on, which hooks the reader in.

Good luck with it :)

KT

Hi Amy,
Thanks for backing my book, I have had a quick read at your pitch and added it to my watchlist. It is not my normal cup of tea but hopefully I will get a chance to read it over the next few weeks as I am, like you, very busy outside this new world.
Good luck
Calum

chapter one is written so well, it's as if I was watching a movie rather than just reading.
Gillian - THE PATIENT ATE A MOUSE

Hi Amy,

Just shooting you a return read.

Pitches:
In the short pitch, say her name instead of “she”

“22-year old” should be “22-year-old”

I wouldn’t use ellipses. There’s no need for it there and from what I hear, publishers hate it.
In the long pitch, “a City”…city shouldn’t be capitalized

I don’t think you have to say “scarily.” If she’s dangerous, it should be assumed that she’s scary, too.

For the pitches, there is too much synopsis and not enough hooks. Plus, the info you allude to isn’t clarified when it needs to be. Most of the pitches on Authonomy aren’t the best (I don’t claim mine is fantastic), but these are things you might take a look at.

Chapter one
The quote should probably be cited, even if it’s from your book.

Kind of a weak opening first couple of paragraphs.

Good imagery of the dark streets and store fronts

“It was late…” we already know this from your imagery.

Spooky first chapter! And you end It with a powerful bit of imagery…SCENT (the most forgotten sense in literary writing). I enjoyed this. High stars, and I”ll be suggesting it as a Halloween read for folks.

Good luck and all the best!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

wow, this was fast paced! i like how you start off with a big bang almost instantly. people with short attention spans, like me, wont find themselves quitting early. i really like your short pitch... the "until the day she died" definitly made me want to read more. one little thing id like to suggest is your long pitch; it almost seemed like you gave too much away, almost like it was a summary. other than that, i enjoyed the read. lots of stars for this one and good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

I really loved this! I was so disappointed at the end, wish you would upload some more!!! I really want to know what happens next. It was sad about Ben, but this is going to open a whole new world for Eve!!
Please let me know if you put some more chapters up!!
Backed with pleasure!
Alret
xxxx

Okay, I'm here as promised, sorry it took so long.
First things first. You can do better with a cover, I know you can! If some other readers are like me, the cover is what draws me to a book, maybe you should consider changing it.
Title: I really like your title!
Short Pitch: Your short pitch immediately had me interested enough to read the long pitch, and the long pitch did the job in getting me even more interested, this is a good thing!!!
Chapter one:
-"Oh cheers Joe, see you tomorrow." [You need a comma before Joe, always put a comma when addressing someone.]
-"You would think that after two years...." [think you can delete 'that'" and maybe a comma after years, not sure]
-"I turned up the service alley that...[maybe try, I turned up the service alley, which....]
-Remember commas before but.
-"My mind went black as the night surrounding me" [maybe try, my mind went black, like the night surrounding me.] not sure of this one, but it reads awkwardly.
-Now this is where it really gets interesting, when Ben calls her, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that you didn't give more detail of the attack and what happened to her, I'm so curious by now!!
Well, I have to say, I really enjoyed your first chapter! And I am actually looking forward to read the rest!
I'm not a huge vampire fan, but you really have me hooked, enough to want to read on (Very good sign!)
Well done, and good luck with this, I will read and comment on the rest of the chapters as well!
Star rated!!!
Alret
xxxxx

Even though there are many vampire books out there I really loved reading this story. I have a secret love for these types of books and you start off here with a really interesting heroine who has deep feelings that you convey really well and I like your premise and your start - it is different than the other vampire books I have read. It is realistic and I think that your writing is really solid. There were some nitpicky grammatical things I noticed, but not enough to slow down the pace of the writing or to keep me from reading on. I do wish that you described the main character I a bit better and described her apartment a bit more - that's the only thing that I felt was missing a little bit - more description of her and her surroundings. But otherwise this was a really enjoyable read!

Thank you!

- Rena (Bunderful)

Hi,
Came to have a read as you very kindly backed my book.
I read through the first chapter and you certainly have the dynamics for a thrilling story here. Your descriptions are very vivid and as the reader you get a real sense of how confused and lost your MC feels. It would be extremely disconcertint to lose a day or two of your life and have no recollection of anything. Then to find your physical appearance transform and your wounds to heal, even more so...and then to come home to a ransacked apartment. I couldn't imagine a worse start to a day..
I have to agree with some of your other comments, I think the first chapter could be trimmed a bit more to get to the immediacy of the plot, it seems repetitive at times and overly long about her plight and how she felt.
I would also perhaps look at the use of 'I' . Perhaps starting some more sentences in a varied way. I've not written in first person, and I know its one of the harder forms to write in for this reason. But I think if you did vary the sentence beginnings and use alternative, it would make your writing shine even more.
Take my advice with a grain, though, I have no idea what I'm talking about really, only passing on advice I've picked up here and there from others. At the heart of it all if you don't have a good story it doesn't matter how technically great you are. But with yours I think you have the beginnings of a very interesting plot, one well worth pursuing. This genre is so hot right now, I think you could be on a winner here,
Best wishes, I'll watchlist.
Cheers Jacoba

Wow, I feel like asking - did it really happen to you?
Your story is very convincing, due to the fact, I suppose to the passion you have when writing it.
I'm not a great lover of vampires stories or even films - except 'Interview with a vampire'. However I did enjoy your first chapter.
I thought it might have been better if a few unnecessary pieces had been cut out about the description of how she felt. It was all brilliantly described, but its a long chapter covering the same subject.
Overall its a great storyline, beautifully written, and well paced.
I give it 5 stars.
Junetee (Four Corners)

An impressive spin on a wildly popular genre, it has almost become a section of its own.

Read through Ch. 1. I do promise to read more within the next couple of days, but for now I'm exhausted. If your story not held my attention, I wouldn't have made it through the seconds paragraph.

Few things:

“It felt like the vibration of too many hearts beating at the same time”. I really like this line, it sounds almost poetic to me.
“My eyes, they were usually…violet colored with an almost black tinge…” Maybe instead of “almost black” you could write “charcoal”? It’s a dark gray--almost black. I think it would read a little better.
“That was two days ago, Eve,” Ben said quietly. Hmm, I don’t think “quietly” quite packs the impact…what about: “Ben whispered, an air of concerned hesitation apparent in his tone”. And then, “he wouldn’t be able to lie about something like that and he had no reason to.” How about, “it wasn’t in his nature to kid about serious matters”.

Other than that, really interesting story. I look for to reading more.

Rated you highly :)

Hi Amy a BHCG review,

I think you have something really worth working on and polishing here.

Strengths:
The way you describe action is very strong. You have a really good sense of the thoughts accompanying the actions and you insert them without slowing the plot. The sentences have pace and tension. The positive comments from other readers show this. So you have no problem in keeping the plot moving and creating power from movement.

Areas to consider:
I think anyone reading the first chapter would finish it feeling excited and quite thrilled from your plot. And they would probably read on. However, if you asked the reader about the personality of the MC -I wonder how they would answer? The action is great -but I feel that touches of personality inserted in a subtle "show not tell" way could add a new emotion to the reading experience from the first chapter: empathy.
Perhaps you should create a character map of your MC - during the 1st chapter we are introduced to many aspects of her life -her work, her feelings of security and her home. Maybe if you tried throwing your MC into a "Big Brother" type house in your mind -and observed her. She walks. Yes. But how does she walk? Is she athletic? Is she fashionable and therefore wearing high-heeling shoes? Is she conservative or daring -and therefore those shoes might be poker-dotted. In your story she is wearing a coat - but what about that coat - did she just sling on her old coat or did she carefully wrap herself up in fur? These examples might be a bit over the top but I hope that they give you an example of small splashes of personality that you could include to make this impressive chapter even better.

In the last part of the chapter you introduce the italicised inward monologue -I think this could be another tool to introduce more personality into the MC - perhaps if you included a little more earlier in the story. And how you use it could be more powerful eg- "Nothing about this is logical"-you don't need to follow it with "I thought angrily" - leave it spare -it's more powerful. Don't follow it with anything -follow it with action -the dialogue should speak for itself. Perhaps when your MC is leaving the office saying good bye to the boss -you could start this -maybe she secretly likes her boss -your choice!
The best line and EXACTLY what I'm talking about is
"So where the hell did yesterday go?"
I slammed the door on my question and ..... ----B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T!!! This shows your talent -it's just adding a bit more flavour, sweating over sentences, actions and descriptions so that they reflect her voice and personality.

I hope this helps -and you'll forgive my previous tardiness
If you tinker with it- I'd be happy to review again.
Highly starred for real potential and quality

Best,
Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

After reading chapter one I saw that you were well on your way to being a very good writer with only a few much needed corrections to captivate and engross your reader. I have WL you and hope to be able to upgrade to shelf when you update. Much luck. Denise

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Good world building. Vivid visuals. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "Hey Eve, you left your lighter," my boss Joe called ... Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) 'The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end' is cliche. Consider writing the same reaction, but in a more original way.
3) ' ... I became aware that my back felt sore and stiff ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her soreness so vividly the reader experiences it along with Eve. When you do this the reader will be drawn deeper into your story. There are many more uses of the word 'felt' in this chapter.
4) I would have liked to have been in Eve's head, seeing her thoughts when she decided not to go to the hospital.
5) "Eve, where the hell have you been?" My fiance Ben shouted ... 'My' should be lowercase.
6) ' ... I apparently hadn't had one in more than 48 hours, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
7) ' ... the smell of blood hit my nose.' When you mention 'smell,' try to immediately characterize it. What does blood smell like? Earthy? Floral? Putrid? Medicinal? When you immediately characterize 'smell' you pull the reader deeper into your story.
8) ' ... since the scent of whoever it was still lingered in the air.' When you mention 'scent' try to characterize it. What 'scent' was Eve picking up on? Spicy? Floral? Sweat? Body odor? When you characterize 'scent' it pulls the reader further into the scene.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I really like the style of your book. It's immediately intriguing and mysterious. I'm not usually keen on first-person narratives, but it's so chatty and humorous and you talk about your 'self' so casually that it's got none of the introversion that often puts me off. I think it's great. Is it finished?

Love your work and putting this on my shelf. Hope you have time to check out another paranormal thriller..Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Fantastic, your voice is strong, you description conjuring an excellent picture. Straight into the story. I like this and hope to read more soom

Craig Phoenix

Hi Sam, You write very well. You have a lovely fluid style and have no trouble constructing either dialogue or narrative. The pace is about right, slightly slowed by what I think are unnecessary details, eg computer chair when chair would do. I try not to use got so I'd prefer 'I lost myself in my insignificant' to ' I got lost in my insignificant'. Minor stuff you might well say. You've crafted it well and I didn't see any nits except 'there was even still skin' even or still? I liked what I read and you've done a good job. I'm surprised you haven't generated more interest with it. Are you punting it about? I'll back your lovelly book as soon as I can, probably later in the week. Good luck with it, Gordon

I love the premise. The opening is exciting and works as a great hook. The plot is established, and there's a clear problem that needs resolved. These things alone set it apart from many novels on authonomy. Good work with that. You certainly have a great story to tell.

One suggestion: I feel like you're holding back. The sentences, descriptions, and overall narrative is safe. There's nothing new or exciting about the writing itself. Don't get me wrong, it's clear you're a good writer, but I feel like you've got so much more in you just dying to break out. You've got the story. Now put yourself into it, be creative, tap into the poetic part of you, and write freely. Have your words set the mood and invite the reader into more than just a good story. I can tell from what is here that you have it in you.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I love this story and want to see it become even better. Best of luck!

Hi Sam,
I have read the first chapter and here are my thoughts. They are as honest, constructive and positive as feedback needs to be.

"The bitter October wind..." I really like the language you've used in this paragraph. It also gives a hinting sense of foreboding about her future as a sun-hating vampire.

Big green skips....hmm, can you find some more exciting adjectives?

Fast and fearful should probably be fast and fearfully, which makes more sense in the sentence (it needs to be an adverb)

Your description of her transformation is very well handled - the reader feels every inch of her agony. You don't just say say 'it hurt', but send the pain through every part of her being - as I can imagine the transformation would do. We don't just get a sense of pain, but also the more important sense of something changing.

Although I like the first chapter for its style and snappy opening, I do feel that it's too long. I would consider making the attack the first chapter - or even turning it into a prologue - so pad it out a little. It does happen very suddenly and even though I like that you jump right into the plot, I do feel that you could say more. Due to this, we get very little sense of Eve's character. For her transformation to succeed in the readers' eyes, we need more of a change. I'm not saying that you need to tell us all the details of her life, but we do need to know more at the beginning. For example, I think you could introduce Ben earlier. When I started reading, I thought Eve was quite young, but at the introduction of a fiancé, my perspective of her changed. Also, you could have more of a dialogue with Eve and her coworkers, so that the reader can see how she interacts with other people. Tie this in earlier and your character has greater depth - it also shows that she has more to lose and we have more sympathy for her during the attack. You talk about all these intriguing changes - perfect sight, hissing at dogs, heightened senses, etc - but we don't know what she was like before.

The attack itself was not overdone, which is good. It is always more realistic when these things happen fast, because it adds to the suddenness and confusion of the situation.

Echoing some of the other comments here, I would certainly say that you need to take us further inside Eve's head. Don't just tell us what she's doing, make us feel it too. If I were in her situation, I would have more questions. A lot of what you've written in the second half of chapter 1 is very much from an observer's perspective. This might work in third person, but you've chosen first person. Getting the balance of thought and action right is hard in first person, but your skill as a writer has more than enough potential to make this work.

You've got some lovely, long sentences with flowing description and detailed embedded clauses, but don't be afraid to experiment with short sentences for impact.

Just out of interest, which age-group are you aiming your writing at? It reads well as Young Adult fiction, although I notice you haven't added YA to your Genres/tags.

There is undeniable tension in your story and you write with great confidence. You certainly have made the vampire story your own - too many sound like Twilight these days - so well done. Your style and content will have no trouble in finding an audience and I think that what it comes down to is a well-executed concept. With a little tweaking, I'm sure that your novel will deservedly find its way to the Editor's Desk.

Rated and backed

Fe
'This Salted Earth'

Hi Sam,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a while. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Nice immediate start. You drop us in the middle of your story without any preamble. I like that. :)

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue, though. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in " "Oh cheers, Joe, see you tomorrow," I replied as I took my lighter..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "Oh cheers, Joe, see you tomorrow," I took my lighter..." would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Reading on... Eve seems a bit wary walking home on her own. No wonder. You do a good job of describing the surroundings in a lonely and ominous way. Uh oh a noise. What or who is there?

I've another little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "My body froze..." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "I froze..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... What on Earth is following her? What are these strange dog-like creatures with red eyes? Scary. Uh oh. Looks like they've got her. And what are they doing? Pouring something down her throat. Are they drugging her?

Then she wakes at home. Weird. Was it all just a bad dream? The memories seem too vivid. Something odd happened to her, I think. And something must have caused the pain she's in. And her face is all cut up. Scary. Oh ... what's happened to her eyes? Why have they changed? We must be in the realm of the supernatural, I think. Then the phone conversation with Ben shows us she's been out of touch for 2 days. This gets odder and odder. Something must have done a v strange thing to her. Good dialogue between her and Ben. It sounds real, and his panic really comes through.

I've a small suggestion, though. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quote so much. eg in " "You what?" I retorted in as light a manner as I could muster..." I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. I think just " "you what?" I said. "I spoke to you..." would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm it's suspicious she seems to have healed so fast after the shower. Either she has some sort of power to heal or she really has been gone a long time. Good call on having the mobile out of action, by the way. Those infernal devices can solve far too many problems in fiction :(.

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "I was truly starting to believe that I was losing my marbles." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Was I losing my marbles?" you'd be showing the reader her thoughts direct. The reader can then really get into her head.

Reading on... Oh what's this pain that sends her to her knees? Another vision. More weird eyes, but different to before. Hmmm and her presence seems to scare the hell out of the dog. Is she becoming some sort of werewolf? That could fit in with the doglike creatures that attacked her + the odd experiences since. Ah her senses seem to have sharpened too. she can see better. She really has changed ... or is still changing.

I've a really small nitpick here. when you say something like "My eyes searched the area..." it sounds like they're disconnected from the body and wandering about on their own ;). I think something like "I searched the area..." would work better, ;)

Reading on... Hmmm looks like she's found the place she was attacked. Footsteps. Who else is there? Ominous that she's so interested inthe smell of her blood. I think the beast in her is sniffing around ;). Dramatic chapter end when she gets home and finds it's been searched. What on Earth is going on here? :)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. And I really want to see if I'm right in guessing she's becoming a werewolf. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete x

Sam

I have read the first chapter of Bleeding Heart - Broken Soul. It needs work, but I'm impressed that you wrote this at 18! I like the idea of a first-person vampire protagonist as a variation on the genre. (See also on this site: Violet Blood). You do a great job of conveying Eve's experience in her "origin story": the inexplicable pain and fire, her enhanced senses, her bewilderment coupled with a desire to get to the bottom of the mystery. She's been traumatized, but she's acting like a detective, gathering evidence from the scene, trying to puzzle things out. She's got an underlying strength and intelligence that lead me to believe that she will go the superhero route rather than the monster route. The atmosphere at the beginning is appropriately dismal and foreboding, and it's a nice touch that she already feels "undetectable" in the darkness.

In revising this, you don't have to change much, but think about tightening. To begin with, the first chapter might make two or even three. There are a few natural breaks that could serve as page-turners into a new chapter. (Full disclosure: most of my chapters are probably too long, too). In a number of places, sentences ramble on. If you have two or three complete thoughts connected by commas, think about letting them stand alone as their own sentences. Consider your adverbs and adjectives; sometimes a stronger noun or verb makes the modifier unnecessary. In a few places, Eve relates a thought in the narrative, then repeats it in her internal monologue. Think about which is strongest and cut the other. When you have the choice of the character thinking about something/explaining something, or doing something, it's usually best to go with doing something. It's the old "show, don't tell" advice. (You did this well where you had Eve remove her glasses to better examine her face. You didn't have to tell us she wore glasses because you showed her taking them off.)

I noted the following specific edits for correction:

It was late and being female made me very aware of how vulnerable I was walking alone at this time of night. This sentence is awkward and not quite right. It isn't "being female" that makes Eve aware of her vulnerability. Try something like: "I felt vulnerable, walking alone this late at night," or "I knew it wasn't safe for a woman to walk alone at this hour, but . . ."

If she feels vulnerable, why does she take a shortcut down a dark alley? That's implausible and feels like a setup. It makes more sense if she doesn't believe she's in any danger -- she does this all the time, she's empowered, a modern woman who doesn't need a man to protect her, etc. Or perhaps she does feel vulnerable but resents the assumption and goes down the alley almost out of spite. (That was me in college; nothing bad ever happened, as I assumed it wouldn't).

It seemed to vaguely resemble . . . This is overly wordy. What's she's trying to say is, "It sounded like a dog panting."

. . . my body crumbled to the floor. You want "crumpled." To me, floor implies an indoor space. In an alley, I'd use ground, pavement, or concrete.

Someone appeared to be sitting on my chest. "Appeared to be" is too fussy and takes us out of the situation. Someone or something was, in fact, sitting on her chest, and she could feel the weight of it. Especially in a first-person narration, you want to take the reader right into the character's experience, the deeper the better.

. . . unlike nothing . . . You want either "unlike anything" or "like nothing"

I had definitely been laying on the floor . . . and I could vividly recall laying . . . You want "lying". "To lie (down)" is a tricky verb that trips up more writers than any other, I think. (I won't dump off the whole grammar lesson unless you ask for it).

How did I end up on the sofa and get home from the alley? I would reverse the order of these because she had to get home before she could be on the sofa. Unless you want to recast it thus: "How did I end up on the sofa? For that matter, how did I get home?"

When Ben calls, she thinks a thing, then says it to herself, then says it to him. I think it would be strongest to go directly to saying it to him. For one thing, this is the first real dialogue of the story, and it comes as something of a relief. Also, speaking to another character is a form of action that explains itself, so you don't need the other explanations.

I felt terribly guilty for not being telling him in truth . . . Delete "being" (You might not even need this.)

. . . call try calling Joe . . . Delete either "call" or "try calling"

The paragraph beginning "As distracted as I was . . ." rambles at too great length just to say she missed her turn and had to backtrack.

. . . the force of the all the little bursts . . . delete the first "the"

. . . now laying on the dirty footpath . . . Yep, you guessed it: lying.

. . . my eyesight . . . was better than it had ever appeared to be. Say it straight: "My eyesight was better than it had ever been." "appeared to be" weakens a strong moment with too many mushy words.

. . . the reason I had brought it . . . I think you meant "bought"

. . . the realisation that I had not had a cigarette all morning occurred. This is a roundabout and passive way of saying, "I realised I hadn't had a cigarette all morning." or "It hit me, I hadn't smoked yet that day."

You're off to a good start here, and I wish you all the best with this project.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I'm not usually a fan of vampire storys, but yours is a surprising exception.
Your pitch drew me in first, I though that it sounded really interesting and slightly out of the norm...the way I like it :)
Chapter one was another welcome surprise, the attack in the alley was extremely suspenseful and all I found myself thinking was, who is attacking her? Is it the vamp or is it something else? Move onto chapter two...meet the oh so mysterious, charismatic Nexus (love the name BTW), and I'm completely hooked...
Nothing draws me in quicker than suspense and questions than that of a mysterious stranger..

The plot is turning out to be quite different then what I at first thought, but the emotions and actions you have the characters convey in their different situations is incredible, for one, the difference between Eve when she is attacked the first time, feeling anxious, vulnerable, etc...and when she is attacked the second time (very true to life) and has this raw, untamed power running through her (blood lust..gotta love it) is incredible, comparing the before and after, you wouldn't think they were the same person.

Your use of action to propel the story onwards is well paced and fluid, I didn't find myself faltering once within the fight scenes and actually found myself thoroughly enjoying them..

All in all, I think this has the oppertunity to become something great...I love the openings of the chapters...very realistic and thought provoking..I'm only up to chapter 3 at the moment, but I promise I'll read more and comment further at a later date.
Keep up the great work:)

Bron
The Endless Awakening

Hi Sam-Like the first person perspective and the mystery you set up in the first chapter. Like the pace and the writing is clear and easy to follow. Nice job.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Hi Sam

Thanks for backing Marking Time, I am returnig the compliment and you are on my shelf. I have just started reading this and found myself quickly engrossed. Fast moving, well written with a humorous edge. This is a very popular genre at the moment, but this seems more gritty and real than most. The realisation of the changes are well observed, as is the dogged belief initially that it was all a dream.

Good luck
Crispy

Like covens and vampires. Backed and ready to read. A return read would be greatly appreciated.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

Awesome!

I have read the first two chapters of your book and am liking what i am reading so far. The only thing I would suggest would be to make the attack scene more active. At the moment it comes across as passive as you are telling rather than showing the reader what is happening. Its a minor thing however and doesn't take away from the overall strength of your writing. I have had you on my shelf for a couple of weeks now and will be keeping you there so i can read your novel at my leisure.
Great work, great pitch, enjoyable read.
Thank you for sharing it with us and best of luck.

I love this genre of book and enjoyed yours. Although you take the idea of vampires, you certainly add your own flair to it. The first chapter gave a real sense of place and feeling. Well done and best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz) p.s. Thank you for backing mine!

i thoroughly enjoyed reading the first chapter, drew me in. I have placed on my watchlist and rated and hope to get back and read more.

Hi! I've just finished reading your first chapter. It's exciting, intriguing, terrifying... You have the imagination of a writer and a good story.
There are a few things I'm going to mention in the hope that they will help, and that I don't come across as too critical. Anything here is just my own opinion; please ignore if you feel it spoils your creativity! I made notes as I read through.

I think the second line of dialogue reads better without the tag: 'I replied'. I like it better just like this: ' "Oh cheers Joe, see you tomorrow." I took my lighter from him...'

'I got lost in my insignificant thoughts and completely irrelevant life.' - There's a bit of 'telling' here, instead of 'showing'. Instead of this line of narration, bring the reader into her head. Show us her thoughts.

The tension buildup is great. The panting gave me shivers!

As the horror begins you seem to go into 'telling mode'. The words 'became', 'began', 'beginning', seem to slow the story down, and I felt explanation like 'the only thing I could see' and 'but as soon as I moved' seemed detached. I think you could use more effective ways to bring your reader right into Eve's head. I hope you don't mind, but I had a go. Of course you will want to do things your own way, though.

I froze. There is was; that panting noise again, but this time it was right behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and, very slowly, I turned.
The lone streetlight further down the alley was broken, but I didn't need light to see the three sets of gleaming red eyes that burned from the shadows. My breath choked me as they circled, and I caught sight of the huge, dog-like bodies behind them.
My heart refused to slow down as I realised I was their prey.

When Eve gets the burning liquid poured down her throat, instead of telling us 'it burned me' could you let us feel the pain?

I like the part where she's trying to figure out where she is and what happened. It reads very naturally.

There's a sentence with a mistake in it somewhere, I'm sure! It starts: ' I felt terribly guilty for not being...'

And I think the sentence referring to the cigarette lighter sould be 'The reason I had bought it...' (instead of 'brought')! Small mistake, easily done.

And now I've done my 'critiquing', let me tell you how much I enjoyed this! I truly believe it deserves to do well.
Becky x

I like the plot. There have been similar tales of transformation, but you have some nice twists and turns here. I didn't feel all that connected to the character and the writing in the beginning of the story. The tension of her walking home alone at night didn't surface for me. Either play it up with her paranoia, or make that attack come out of nowhere.

This is good so I'll back it.

Brian

Ch 8.
Bravo. I've read every word. You bossed my eyes where many others bave failed. In the final analysis it was the will-she-won't-she question that kept me reading. And you cunningly kept that plate spinning at every turn. Things became warmer and warmer, yet nothing raunchy happened. You keep hinting at it and leading us on. And Eve is clearly slipping from her old world into her new one. The death of Ben severs the final anchor with her old world. Her love is cut off and she has nothing to lose. We know that Nex and Em are set to become her new lovers. But we don't know. We have to read on to find out. But ... ach! ... you cunningly turn off the tap.
I liked these dabs in this chapter ...
-- literature dating back hundreds of years ... my kind of place
-- river and the occult go together I understand
-- the glass vibrated and moaned
-- his lips touched mine ... we feel it
-- Clarity, what a wondrous thing. I quite agree.
-- Nexus was making me feel strange things.
-- insane attraction
-- a small but bitter pang of jealousy
-- What next?
-- (the notion of Nex having a phone is, literally, odd. But, it makes him seem 'normal' and that is one strength fo your story, the way the bizarre appears normal. The notion of reporting the WWs to the council made me blink. It is funny but I'm not sure you meant it to be. Not that it matters either way. Small point.)
-- she touched my arm
-- another sleepless and tormented night
-- are you coming in or what?
-- I KNEW it was wrong, but it just FELT so right
-- tingling jolts
-- passion ... fire ... grief ... love

I am a merciless and impatient reader. But you won my attention and worked my lustful curiosity perfectly. Well done. I enjoyed being drawn along. Good luck.

'I was past the point of salvation, too'
Just about to start reading Ch 8. Will have imbibed all your words then. Will then go into severe withdrawal.

Ch 7.
Again there are some great teases here ... will Nex and Eve ... will Eve make her first kill ... and Eve and Em!?! ... and then at the end: will something happen with Nex in the libray?
Specifically I enjoyed these dabs ...
-- you know the answer to that already
-- I am watching something
-- ripped jeans
-- in what way? (!)
-- let him lead the way
-- an extremely large thirst for the stuff
-- This graph was strong: 'The dying engine...into the darkest depths.'
-- something rather large with a heartbeat
-- esp this: ...eager for the first time to see how it was done ...
-- psychic telephone
-- slightly used
-- each holding a glass of blood
-- To us! (cheers, ahhhhh!)
-- stretching her legs out over me
-- It's not an easy life (!)
Ach, only one more chapter left!

Ch 7.
Ach, I must stop and leave something for tmr!!!
I will put you down in favour of WOLF HALL by H.Martel...temporarily!

Ch 6.
I'm getting there. Only three more chapters to go, alas. I like ...
-- flexible clothing and trainers
-- to think and write
-- it actually felt good, even though
-- tingling all over
-- a face full of hair
-- the hard plains of his pelvic bone
-- and put an end to my deluded fantasy, at least temporarily.
Eve enjoys flirting and being the one to be out and about with Nex, making the others jealous. The climbing and leaping is thrilling and Nex turns out to be quite the broody creative also, which adds to his allure. There is no hurry in all this. It is as if both are enjoying their gentle courtship. It is seemly that Eve maintains her loyalty to Ben. But Ben is not there and drop dead Nex is.
The last line is the most telling of all methinks. Is a veiled confession in it? Is the deluded fantasist... Ach, you know what I mean.
Nex is a dream. To be a Nex with a lover such as Eve in one's orbit. A powerful Fantasy methinks! Is that what has been compelling me along. As a committed man myself Nex has great appeal. He has an otherness and poteency about him. He is gorgeous, stong, manly, creative, sensitive. And Eve loves him. Most intriguing.
Is the real fantasy in the story that of being Nex? I will stop my speculating, at least temporarily. *bows*

Ch 5.
These details worked well.
-- the way Eve swiflty slips into the jealousies of the coven making it seem a reality
-- Nexus and Juniper are like Zeus and Hera, rowing away
-- 'Lynx refilled my drink' ... polite lot in this coven, no nastiness (as yet), very beguiling
-- Topaz sparking up is very amusing as is the notion of still being addicted even in death
-- Sure Nex ... what a rascal he is! and if she is dead what does a bit of a soaking matter. But then this is a good example of how the story is cunningly ambivalent, flipping from one reality to another. The old real seems to lend credence to the new real.
-- the hint of a band is great as it suggests fun to come
-- the black marble staircase is arch goth
-- and 'old money' is both a sweet observation from the ingenue and reassuring in some strange way...and funny too as the vamps are old blood.
-- 'when I get home' is a lovely touch as it flips us back into old real mindset.
-- Emerald, like Nex, is just o-so nice n helpful! seductively so. Her wardrobe is inspiring. There is a story in that wardrobe alone.
-- Eve still doesn't accept her new status even though she is in a den of bloodsuckers! but then Lynx's winx instantly blows all her doubts away.
-- Stop it Eve, you are spoken for ... this is a strong line, even if it sweats restraint, because we KNOW that it signifies something else. We KNOW where Eve and Nex are heading. Or we think we do!
-- initiation ... ah ha! that one word is like a little taster of things to come for us!
-- 'Sorry, there is still so much I need to tell you' ... subtle that Nex! his seductiveness has a tai chi quality about it!
-- and yet ... Matthew ... he sounds like a fallen disciple
-- and yet ... have to kill you ... said smiling ... we see another side of him.
-- O this line is arch! 'I didn't want to be a vampire, I just wanted to be me again.' It is like one last sigh before the inevitable slide towards the ... gulp ... inititation we know is coming.
-- but then she is already glugging the red '...another glass of blood that I took absentmindedly...' You slide this by us as a sort of downpayment on what is to follow ... we assume.
-- a couple of litres a day!!!!
-- blood frenzy ... these words are in the same bracket as 'initiation' and Nex's smiling deployment of the word 'kill'
-- this line is dryly witty also '...it was all I was offered...'
-- 'Fancy going for a walk' ah-ha! a little frisson over Nex? Yes! '...that unwelcome shivver...' Of course we read this as '...that WELCOME shivver...'
-- Yes just as things are hotting up, Eve thinks of briging the borrowed clothes back and phoning Ben!!! Your ambivalence plate continues to spin nicely. Eve is all we want of an new entrant into an old world.
-- '...to help you get through all this...' Nex, the arch-charmer, is grooming her with helpfulness.
-- '...that heart-stopping smile...' literally.

--

Ch 5.
Eve is a classic ingenue. You have portrayed her perfectly. She is an archytype, sweet, trusting, sincere. There is not a bad bone in her body as they say. We can surely believe everything she says. Her nature allows you to slide things past our disbelief in the most cunning of ways, dear Miss.A.Savage. We can almost see Eve blink and gasp as she says' Who me?' But yes it is her. She is the perfect storytelling vehicle. The vamp story has been told a million times, but the very naivety of Eve fascinates. It is her alluring ambivalence. We know the vamp story, but are reading because of Eve. She can't believe what is happening to her. Yet she is into it. She wants to escape. Yet she swigs the body claret without hesitation. She is appalled at what is happening to her. Yet she is there for Nex. And you are developing the story very patiently, too. The story is incredibly addictive because of how it teases us along. We keep thinking is there some wild scene just beyond the next graph? But, so far, there isn't. This holding back of what we expect from a vamp story is very clever.

Backed on Mr.Furiso's recommendation ... he tells me he can't stop reading and that the story is up my alley dark.

Ch 4
Game on!
The strong and rational reluctance to believe any of this is happening and the old-self resistance to being drawn into it perfectly underscores the face that Eve does get drawn into it and that she is enjoying every moment of it.
'...electricity shotting through my veins...' shows this.
The tumbler of blood is introduced in the most polite and innocent of ways, like a glass of bubbly at a wedding reception. What cld be more natural? One sip won't... But! She downs it in one!!! And that rascal Nexus, being the gent he is, i.e. a black-belt third dan seducer, is swift with a refil...and the whole bottle! And Eve having got the taste is now in sip n savour mode. The fact it all seems so normal is the winning stroke.
And once she is through the door, and having got the taste, you have no hesitation in escalating things with a whole cast of other players!
By the way, the names of the others made me think that I was in a Second Life fantasy! Above all I am taken with the slightly innocent tone of Eve's voice as she leads us along with her into her bloody adventure. The ancient books and dragons in what seems like a modern swish designer appartment only serves to make the story relevant ... now! Will read more anon,

Ch 4.
There is actually a massive moon tonight as I read!
The blacked out windows and the griffins surreal and the notion of the sky shedding tears is poetic. There is an impetus building now.
Ach, that Nexus! 'It's Okay', he whispered gently over the rain...is a cracking line. You have cranked him up into a frightening yet spellbinding sex god! The switch from sinister to his being bathed in a golden light shows his chameleon charm. And the fact his arrogance has shifted to pleasant surprise makes him seem like a teddy bear lover boy, but of course ... We read on!