The Survivor

You have crafted a most interesting and compelling science fiction thriller. I do like your choice to use the first person narrative voice as this allows you to fully explore Thomas' emmotions, thoughts and observations. Your dialogue is excellent as is your use of foreshadowing and imagery and all of this coupled with your imaginative writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I was taken initially by your pitch for The Survivor, Shrapnel, and your writing delivered. I enjoyed reading your story and I particularly liked the way you used the first person. I thought it worked well, which isn't always the case. I have a little further to go, but I'm already hooked. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

I love post-apocalyptic stories. Yours definitely does not disappoint.

Saw a few editing errors and a few sentences that didn't quite feel right. You may want to go back and edit a bit. Otherwise, a great read!

You have alot scenario explained well time period france. Church a good priest that good of course there are Good christians too.

Well written, war and refuzee . withour power and Loving kate was there taking care.

SURVIVOR
This is an interesting story. The idea of what life would be like after a massive plague devastated the world is intriguing (because it really could happen). You have a good character in Thomas. Besides creating a good character, you have a knack for describing your settings in only a few well chosen words; lets a reader always know where he is and what things look like; doesn’t bog down your story. Overall, makes this a good read. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

I found this well written for the most part, a good flow to it and an interesting premise. Occasionally a line seemed a little awkward, for example:
Most ships into the country stopped there and unloaded their goods there for transit.
The double there (three if you count their) makes it sound clumsy when reading.

There were a few of those sorts of lines that could have done with rephrasing, imo. I also spotted a few typos, with words capitalised for no reason (It sold Gas) or not capitalised when it should have been (especially at the start of dialogue).

Overall I found it quite an engaging read, although the pace was quite slow at times, especially the begining with the history of Nowhere and the backstory of how they moved there. I could have managed with less of that, although a matter of taste. Didn't like the end of ch1, felt to much like a Vonnegut riff. But otherwise very good.

Backed.

You have crafted a most interesting and compelling science fiction thriller. I do like your choice to use the first person narrative voice as this allows you to fully explore Thomas' emmotions, thoughts and observations. Your dialogue is excellent as is your use of foreshadowing and imagery and all of this coupled with your imaginative writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

O.K. here's your 187 - yes, sneaky and not quite nice which is a shame because I acually think this book has lots of potential. A strong story line and distinct characterisation supported by taut vocabulary BUT I did find the punctuation irritating, too many commas where they weren't needed and the possesive aphostrophes are rocky. A rigorous edit should sort them out.
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

I'm back....

What a great book. Your style has depth and it engages the reader. Lots and lots of well formulated descriptions add to the tale of Nowhere.

It was indeed a pleasure to read this and to back it
best

Interesting descrption of a deserted area of outstanding natural beauty! Gave a feel of emptyness and regret for what is lost M

The iIntriguing and chilling pologue set this story up for me right away, Shrapnel. Then the background to Nowhere, beautifully dovetailed into the story, kept me wanting more. The narrative read like a dream.

I am happy to back this book. Excellent! nicky. Nuns & PGs.

I read the first three chapters. I thought the intro chapter was brilliant. Think you got your genre down pat. I am just not a big fan of BIG paragraphs. Always kills my interest when the pacing drags. But that's me.

Both pitches are brilliant. Most people here struggle with that and you nailed it. Think you have the writing chops to get where you need to with this effort. SHELVED!

Look forward to your comments on my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Shrapnel, some great descriptive writing here, just lacking I think, in a little dialogue to keep the pace going. Vivid, imagery, powerful voice, and once into about chapter five or so, things really tart to pick up. Great premise and good pitch. Back, no problem.

The Survivor is a classic post-apocalypse saga that is written in a chatty style that makes for an easy read. The prologue sets the scene well, presenting a scenario that I felt comfortable buying into. The following chapters went along gently, mainly with narrative backstory which, though well written, was a bit too long and would benefit from the injection of more dialogue to add pace and drama. I felt the book really took off around C5, where the drama of the race to the harbour to light the way for the ship caught in the storm was very powerfully written and you nailed me with the great hook at the end 'I saved them all. But I hadn't. I'd killed everyone.' Now I have no choice but to read on! Backed.

I was intrigued by your pitch and then found a smooth flowing story... you write well for the genre.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Love the voice. Not my usual read.
But I think it's great.
On my shelf.
~Krista

Shrapnel.
I chose to read Chapter 3. I was able to immediately identify with your characters and pick up the thread of the storyline, which was good...

.I did find a few un necessary words..

Will give you a example.....

(i) With no power, no phones,and no internet, i found myself at somewhat of a loose end quite quickly after Mackie left.......versus........With no power, phones or internet, I found myself at a loose end quickly after Mackie left......

(ii) I looked at the garage on the other side of the road. It was all shuttered up. No power, no gas, no point coming in I suppose... ....versus.........I looked at the garage across the road, it was shuttered. No power, or gas. Pointless going in.

We all have a different writing voice, there is no right or wrong way.....i just think 'no this' 'no that' was a bit repetitive so thought I'd point it out......We get so much feedback on the first two chapters it easy not to visit the third for a long time, and so let things slip.... Thought the chapter ended well....(you romantic)

Best of luck with this.....

I saw Zombieland this weekend, and I'm a fan of the Resident Evil games, so I thought your book would be a fun read in my current mood. I did enjoy the scenario and how you've built the premise.

The one point of improvement I might suggest is that you look for the number of times you use the word "it". I read your chapter 1, chapter 2 and counted nearly 50....(sorry had to satisfy my own curiosity). (it had, it was, it went....) The repetition was noticable so I thought I'd mention it.

Best of luck.

grand premise, and the short prologue kicks it off well .

post-apocalyptic world – small town saved from deadly virus by its remote location - a cluster of disparate residents living in claustrophobic tension . . .

the writing is perfectly adapted to the context of doom . . .

"so it went, so it went" do i hear a vonnegut echo coming across the ether? nothing wrong with that , i found similar references on page number 187 in my own book. . . sneaky, huh .

this is an enjoyable read and on my shelf .

freddie
("honour")

The plot is so strong that, errors or no errors, this needs to be backed. Love the cover too.

Andrew

A great, strong narrative that really sets this book out. Post-apocolyptic fiction is an area that has a lot of writers, but you've managed to avoid the main pitfalls and come up with a really strong book here. Nice work. Backed.

-Jenny-

awesome pitch and this is the first time a title (sins of the living) has hit me like BAM!

Fantastic opening - huge hook - I would have gladly bought this book based on that alone. Great "to woever is reading this" tone creates a sense of despair/desolation that fits with your post-apocalyptic theme. Can't pick out anything in the writing that needs attention. All in all, congratulations! backed!

Jonathan Watts
Dread Fist

I was taken initially by your pitch for The Survivor, Shrapnel, and your writing delivered. I enjoyed reading your story and I particularly liked the way you used the first person. I thought it worked well, which isn't always the case. I have a little further to go, but I'm already hooked. Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

This a is great post-apocalyptic story, which you seem to be treating as real - am I right? Interesting how authors always survive the apocalypse and so live to tell the tale..... or maybe you won't! Never mind Schrapnel, your super book guarantees you immorality, and warns us what to expect next time. Really well-written and very scary. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Yeah I know. It needs some work. See below comments.

It's just that the God Damn infected won't leave me alone. If you know I'm out there somewhere, why doesn't anyone send a rescue party?

Jesus Christ, this isn't a game. It's happening.

Their going to kill us all.

Don't you understand? We're all going to die.

Please, help me.

Hi Shrapnel,

your story has a strong narrative voice. The writing is very descriptive. You build up a very vivid and detailed picture of Nowhere and its citizens, the community, the environment, its place in the world.

This needs a good edit to eliminate the numerous punctuation mistakes before it gets near a publisher, but aside from that this is a good story, with an ominous sense of doom lurking in the background. Shelved.

Robert.

Shrapnel (Great name by the way!)

Sure there are punctuation problems and the occasional broken sentence but what shines through is your slick, almost hypnotic writing style - conversational yet punchy with it.

Your premise isn't a new one but that doesn't matter either - your telling of it makes it not matter.

I see more than a hint of the young Stephen King in what I have read so far. I hope that you have the same kind of success.

I'll read on when I can but will happily back it in the meantime.

Best of luck

Sean
In Time's Shadow

I love post-apocalyptic stories. Yours definitely does not disappoint.

Saw a few editing errors and a few sentences that didn't quite feel right. You may want to go back and edit a bit. Otherwise, a great read!

This voice--I know this guy. Easy going, trudging through life making astute observations, doesn't get ruffled easy, but when he does, he handles it well. This piece is riddled with grammer and punctuation errors, but I don't care, because I get to read gems like "The sun hung in the sky like a despondent child," or "His jaw was like an industrial chainsaw ruminating inside." I love it. I'm not a zombie guy, but this is a cool story with a unique and enjoyable writing style. Backed.

Hello Shrapnel,

Amazing start with the prologue of the cardinal questions of mankind as it goes through its pilgrimage on earth. You chose an interesting premise--survival. Great use of the imagination and smooth flow to the story. It is descriptive and fast paced. Overall, this is a well written story. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Wow seriously good writing. Couldn`t stop reading, I`m on the edge of my seat here. Only expected to read a couple of chapters but I was captivated. Honestly even just looked out the window to check the weather, it felt like I was really there in the middle of that storm/blizzard.
Very tight writing, very visual writing. Felt like I could picture the setting, picture the storm, like i was there.
Love the various comparsions like in chapter 2, wind and rain as allies, like that.
Clever, witty writing. Attention to detail like the suttle remark about Imeldas sign being mis-spelt, suttle hints at her character. Another example, the vergers humorous hint at a top-up. Not shouting character descriptions from the roof top, but we get the message. I personally find this clever writing and enjoy this approach.
Chapter 5, has left me wanting more. Did not expect that ending, could so easy have floated along with the heros welcome but instead theres a curveball thrown in with those last 4 lines...wow...more more. Fair play

Hi Shrapnel,

I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this. You are a natural storyteller. This is intelligent and very well written. I like your writing style; it’s smooth and easy to read. You definitely have a career in this business.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Shrapnel,

Found you via your comment on 'In it for the Holidays', great work that one.

Starting with your pitch, as is my habbit, I like your short pitch: it's succinct, punchy and intriguing.

The long pitch covers all the key points. However, I have a few observations you may like to consider:

--a minor detail but 'an infection and plague' makes me think there are two different things, but thereafter I get the impression there's only one, I'd choose one word and stick with it;
--I feel the third sentence most naturally comes after the first (start with the MC, move to the setting then the inciting event);
--I would look to break that paragraph in half so that the material following 'When the infection comes to Nowhere . . .' stands alone; and
--You might like to consider closing with a question, perhaps foreshadowing the resolution or hinting at a high price to be paid for success.

I also note on the book page that you've marked both Thriller and Science Fiction. My personal view is that it's good to know your genre and be able to demonstrate to agents and editors that you're focussed on it. I would recommend considering where you'd like to see your work shelved in your local book store then picking the appropriate genre.

Moving onto the work proper. Before commenting at all on the writing I read the opening fourteen lines--roughly the first page--straight through then ask myself, would I turn the page? This is analogous to how I'd make a purchasing decision in a book shop. Fourteen lines gives me the first three paragraphs of your prologue.

I like the style, a sort of self-deprecating, almost folky narrative but with allusions to a wider context--the fictional reference model you create is good. The simple understatment of the last sentence of your first paragraph is wonderful.

And for me the simplest phrases and statements in this are the most powerful (I find that's often the way). I do have a few observations you might like to consider:

--first sentence, when you 'precluded' do you mean 'preceded'?, I wasn't quite sure what to make of the sentence otherwise;and
--some of the more formal language (dsicourse, conjecture, hither to unimagineable) felt awkward to me and didn't fit with the impression I got of the MC from the pitch.

Now, a general point on prologues: There are those who like them and those who don't. My view is that certain genre, notably fantasy and crime or mystery, allow for them, but a prologue has to be good enough to grab the reader.

Therefore, there are two things I look for in any prologue: first a great scene capable of standing alone and grabbing a reader's attention; and second a clear link to the through story that is quickly apparent.

From the beginning the linkage between your prologue and the main story is apparent. I'm not so sure that it works on its own to grab the reader's attention--it is a mixture of foreshadowing and exposition, or back story in the narrators voice. To grab my attention I need:

--the narrator's voice to be gripping; or
--the events described to original and engaging; or
--some question to be raised that I just have to know the answer to.

Ideally, of course all of the above. You go some way towards the first two, but perhaps not quite far enough.

I shall look now at the first chapter. The opening description of Nowhere is great, nice details and some wonderful, simple but powerful, turns of descritive phrase (built on shadow and memories, isolated hardly does it justice, it's hard to think . . . Nowhere had so many young men to give).

Some observations;

--you have some repeated words (there stood out for me in the first paragraph, later two paragraphs in a row start 'of course');
--for me paragraphs three and four could be combined and perhaps pruned, as by now I'm itching for something to happen; and
--for similar reasons I think you can hold back some of the explanation about how Kate and Thomas come to be in Nowhere (drip feed it to the readers later, once you've grabbed their attention).

The action, when it starts is great, the set-up, the brief fight and the dialogue around it. None of this is overdone, but it has a wonerfuly real feel to it.

So at this point I see a good premise, some great description, masterful action and strong dialogue. My concerns are:

--I feel the simpler writing works better than the more complicated;
--the pacing, for me, is a little slow at the beginning; and
--there's some careless repitition.

Nonetheless there's potential here and I shall give this a spin on my rotating shelf.

Good luck with it.

I love your style. It reminds me a lot of the first version of Treasure Island I read when I was a kid. Not the same kind of story of course, but the same straight-forward unassuming way of telling a story that draws the reader into the story with ease. You write well, and have amazing descriptive powers. You make a strange and forbidding world come alive! Shelfed!

This is very well written and flows well. I like this type of story and enjoyed reading it.
‘But their still there’ – ‘But they’re still there’. Sometime you have ‘ the infected’ other times ‘ the Infected’ The time 1:04 suggests digital suggests battery suggests failure at some time. Just a thought.
There have been many stories about this theme, 28 days, Legend and of course resident evil also a UK TV series about life after a comet hit earth. This is a well written story and clearly people like disaster stories, I like disaster stories. I will back this with great pleasure.

Tony

I just realized that I sent you comments and forgot to back this.

Amanda

I love zombies!
I know that sounds odd. But when I read your pitch I KNEW this would be on my shelf.
And I am happy, oh so happy, I read this. YAY!!!!
Backed with all my best.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi Shrapnel, a great story, wonderful premise, good pitch and intriguing writing. I think with a little nip and tuck here and there, (perhaps a little over-writing in places) you'll have a superb story on your hands. Shelved, no problem.

Very controlled and organised beginning, while setting up the story real well. Your pitch works...not so easy to achieve (ask me!) and you also have an intriguing premise. Put all these factors together and The Survivor is bound to shine here!

Have already shelved and now wishing you all the best!
Elaina

Hi Shrapnel.

From the pitch and first chapter, backed! Comments to follow in the next couple of days.

Cheers

Mike
(Calloway Blood)

Hi Shrapnel!

Who doesn't love a good zombie book every now and again?! This is very polished, I can tell you've done your editing... Good storyline, excellent pitch, solid writing that makes the book easy to read. Backed!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hey,
Good pitch, short and sweet.
Your writing is well polished and your skills shien through as a result.
People on authonomy always go on about show and tell, but i found this a very entertaining read. If you are going to edit, i would suggest trying to tell your story in fewer words, aside from that i don't see any problem with this.
On my shelf.

Regards,

Mark H

Great book Shrapnel, its on my shelf!
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

S
Notes on tS:
A double prologue! I rarely enjoy one but oddly neither of these really bothers me.
Ooh, organized and evolved zombies.
Wonder why I'm so attracted to zombie stories. How many movies about them have I watched now?
This is good.
All that candlelight, weakened by the lack of technology...
hm, I'm liking this but part of me wonders if there isn't too much telling...instead of showing what he has in his arsenal and life?
And that last bit about his wife - well done.
Yes...I keep waiting for real time to happen...but am enjoying...and wish I had the movie version to watch already so I could see Nowhere and the watercolour paintings(just curious what they'd look like)
Well, I think with a little tightening this could be top shelf.
It's already great fun.
Best of luck with it.
-=B

Came across your story, wonderful start!

Backed

Jill
Behind the Vines

Wow, a zombie novel that shows actual intelligence. Who whudda thunk? Shelved!

The Omega Man (aka I am Legend). Like that, but only much better. You lay on the grim daily reality of being the last man on earth even more so than those movies do. Yet there is still a pathos, a need for humanity, as expressed through your MC, to make itself known. That is what keeps me reading -- even with the Plague having wiped out most of mankind, humanity is still there, and your writing evokes the emotional need we have for it to somehow redeem itself and survive, get over this obstacle.

Your writing itself is clean, your descriptions exactly the right length -- you tell what is needed and are not overly wordy. I look forward to reading some dialogue in the future. In the meantime, shelved.

WOW! Good read, I would change the prologue two to chapter one. That is the only thing I could find wrong, but then again thats me not you. Love it.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Detailed, controlled story telling. Well written, a pleasure to back.

Mike Hart
aka Bred Flink
Lucky 8

Shrapnel,
Wow, this is excellent writing, not the usual flighty dialogue, but deep, dark introspection, horrific narrative of the only remaining healthy man and his rifle, popping off infected zombies as they mutate and attack. Yikes! Had to take care of his wife, too. Then we move on to Nowhere, losing its sons to war and its Irish to Bannion and New Dublin. That one sucker punch to Jacoby was well described: bet that was the last time Tom was called a homo. The story draws the reader along, hungry to find out what caused the plague and how Tom survived. Well done. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge