Cross Country

Daron, I read your first chapter. I like your first-person, narrative voice. It is quite distinct. Nothing to nitpick in that section. Good job overall.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a beautifully written book. You have a flowing style to describe people and locales that is almost lyrical but at the same time keeps this always moving forward. Sitting on the ant hill as an initiation ceremony was funny. Sets a good tone for the book. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

a work of art

backed

I read the first two chapters. Took me a moment to grasp this. Almost seems you have a deeper layer here without realizing it. No doubt this is intelligent writing reflecting a deeper sentiment. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I seem to be your only reader for the last eleven weeks, so what's up with this?

You had me at the opener. Sitting on the anthill and the pain. Very funny.

Kept going until you introduced the girl. You describe her attire in one paragraph. Your friendship in another, finishing off with the wicker basket worn as attire. Put that sentence in the previous paragraph. Maybe describe the friendship before the attire so you can move smoothly into asking about the cotton.

I wouldn't put "among other things" after the cotton.

Lot's of little changes like that would polish this up. But it seems like a worthwhile project. Pursue it.
You're learning.

And keep it current by running it through the edit book function occasionally. Even if you're not editing, which you should be.

Cheers

I seem to be your only reader for the last eleven weeks, so what's up with this?

You had me at the opener. Sitting on the anthill and the pain. Very funny.

Kept going until you introduced the girl. You describe her attire in one paragraph. Your friendship in another, finishing off with the wicker basket worn as attire. Put that sentence in the previous paragraph. Maybe describe the friendship before the attire so you can move smoothly into asking about the cotton.

I wouldn't put "among other things" after the cotton.

Lot's of little changes like that would polish this up. But it seems like a worthwhile project. Pursue it.
You're learning.

Hi,

I backed your book several days ago, and would be happy to leave you a detailed comment if you would have a look at mine and give me your honest opinion of it.
Good luck.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Cross Country

Hi Daron,

I guess the reason that this isn't doing better is because you are not around to do many reads and returns. That is a real shame as you have such a fluid, liquid style. Surrealism described with realism, gorgeous ideas sliding into our minds. I love your biography, poetry disguised as prose. That first chapter is so wonderfully curious, it grabs our attention immediately, sitting on an anthill, but why? How? You speak about it confidentally, such an audacious first line could be the death of a story simply because it is so strange, the rest of the weirdnesses to follow watered down by comparison, but not in your case. A compelling weirdness throughout that kept me pounding along wanting to know what the hell was going on.

You have a languid, intelligent, philosophical style which will get noticed and I will do all I can to support your book. All the while you have stuff on your plate I will try and champion it and that starts now by popping it onto my shelf.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

I like your premiss. You have a bio though which is profoundly odd. Are you an Irish enigma? As a fellow Dubliner i found the bio quite funny as it mentioned even the BT Young Scientist competition. What's all that about?
As for the book - its unusual, well written and a good story line for a YA. I'm backing this book as it shows potential in the genre.

I like your premiss. You have a bio though which is profoundly odd. Are you an Irish enigma? As a fellow Dubliner i found the bio quite funny as it mentioned even the BT Young Scientist competition. What's all that about?
As for the book - its unusual, well written and a good story line for a YA. I'm backing this book as it shows potential in the genre.

Daron - this is interesting. Your MC's personality can be seen through his actions and his conversation with Muriel. And what is the tone he is setting? Scientific? No, philosophical? Maybe. He's one cool guy. Wow, he does somethings I just wouldn't have the guts to do - with ants. In chapter two, you have a contrast - from the very small to a much bigger animal - deer. Like the way his mind works. I'm enjoying this, so I'll put it on my shelf.

Hi Daron,
As I scrolled through the books in the young adult genre your short pitch immediately caught my attention. But, your longer pitch I found confusing. Still, it offered some insight into your writing style which I liked. I read the first chapter and though I really had no idea what was going on, I quite liked it. Please consider re-working the longer pitch so that the hook/conflict is made clear. It would be a shame if folks didn't read on because of it. I'm putting your book on my watchlist and look forward to reading more.

Regards,
Andrea
YA - The Funeral

Dear Daron,
Your protagonist fascinates, with a mind like the grit that polishes the jewel.
I also like your writing, economic, elegant, consistent and mystical at the same time. Quite a thing to pull off.
I was gripped after:
... I looked around the trees. Trees. There were always trees: so many, in fact, that I had learned to see through their absence ... This sums up Lurien's slant of perception, and is what I find interesting.

I like the way you introduce Iurien via Muriel (the ally in the game of contradiction)
She was a young lass, my age, or thereabouts, one of narrow, forward-pointing features. Her chin was small and her jawline was sharp ... She wore the same clumsy robe as myself ...
'Cross Country' is on my shelf. I'm looking forward to stepping back in with Iurien.
Would love to read on now, but must be off to meet an old friend for lunch.
Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I really love first person, but it is hard to pull off. And you've done it wonderfully. I love that even the pitch is in first person. I don't recall reading that on authonomy before. Your writing has a certain daring quality to it, though I can't really put my finger on what it is. The characters are well defined, the story seamless. Sometimes it seems a bit heavy handed, but well done in all.

I backed a few days ago and am now catching up :)

Shawnette

I'm not sure what it is that makes me want to hide, feeling so insignificant and never step into writing again. The way you string words together, the way your profile reads with everything starting with 'I'
Simple but powerful statements. I think I have just clicked with your style and totally gobsmacked. I don't even like fantasy!
That's it I'm afraid. I have nothing more to say.
Best wishes
Sue (A Boy Called George) Not sure that I really want you to look at it. :o)

Daron, Very well written, if a little over punctuated, but I'm afraid not enough going on to keep me interested past chapter 7. Maybe I missed the point somewhere along the line, or maybe it's building up to something special later on, but in that case I needed some stronger clues earlier to keep my interest. Fantasy is not my favourite genre, I never read it so that fact I stuck with it to chapter 7 is a plus, but I can see your pros have great merit that will appeal to the fantasists out there. Just not my cup of tea. I think you are a very good writer but need to work on the story telling. Mick I.T. man.

What a nice thing to say. I wasn't specifically aiming to make the author think, more to commit to a paper a story that had been hanging around the back of my head for who knows many years. Although, I suppose, the most realistic books are those written from experience; and my experience is largely nature and philosophy.

I will admit that Iurien's words can sound unrealistic at times. But keep in mind that this is a conversation he has had with Muriel countless times. He's speaking about something they both know. The only problem was to get the reader aware without just laying it straight in front of them. Also, I have never been the most realistic speaker myself. I like to use tenuous metaphors and similes and draw into relevance whatever I'm thinking at the time. The first chapter could probably be made to flow better by lengthening it; but I would rather have things moving ahead as quickly as possible.

I agree with your comment about the sigh. I'll change that.

I didn't actually eat an ant. I like them too much to go about feasting willy-nilly. Bugs are a flourishing trade in South East Asia. They're far more nutritious than meat. In addition, there is no way that ants cannot taste formic, it's like saying that a cow tastes bovine, or that a lemon is citric.

Daron.

Your pitch is perfect. I knew I was about to read something intelligent just by reading the summary.

Now, I like a book that makes me think. Yours managed to make me pause several times while reading to reflect. I did find some of the dialogues to be stilted. What I mean by this is that your protagonist, the way he talks, has no natural flow to it. He doesn't talk the way real, living people would talk. This isn't a censure against your writing though. It's just the style I'm not accustomed to. When the protagonist speaks, his words have so much meaning to it, that it doesn't allow me to simply read and move on. I have to stop myself and reread the dialogue. Your story is so philosophical. My head hurts now. I felt as if I were reading Plato's "The Symposium" or something of this like.

Here's one nit-pick of mine:
"She let her breath out. "Well, such is life." she sighed..."
- Letting out her breath and sighing seem similar and thus it was repetative.

This is off topic, but when I read the part where your protagonist ate an ant, I had this feeling that you tried one too.... and you're right. ants probably don't taste bad, it's the psychology that's the problem. Well said--er, written.

What an odd, intelligent book this was. I'll be shelving this with pleasure,
June

This was very good actually. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and usually I'm very picky. Everything flowed very nicely. You are obviously very talented. shelved.

Hello Daron,

I enjoyed all the four chapters read.You crafted a very compelling story here with vivid descriptions and a plot that is gripping. I like the smooth flow of your prose. Dialogue is effective and the narrative served its purpose. You retain the reader's attention from the first chapter, keeping me engaged all the way to chapter four. This is a respectable story with lessons that are insightful and revealing. I am glad I read.

However, I would suggest that as you polish, tighten up and revise this story, heed the commonly given advice against over-writing, over use of adverbs and for disengaging yourself from the story telling as much as possible.

All the best.

Janvier (flash of the Sun)

What a wonderful story. I only had time for the first 3 chapters but I can say with confidence that this is a most unusual and enjoyable read.

Iurien is a thinker and always looks at the bigger picture. An example of this was when he released the doe (which at the time, due to the season, was the right thing to do). This shows a compassionate side and thoughtfulness which is sadly lacking these days and this is where your book truly shines.

Your story actually teaches values as well as being an engrossing read and I found this remarkable. It even teaches you how to capture and eat ants!! (as well as having a more philosophical side). It also provokes excitement and anticipation - I was actually biting my nails (dirty habit I know) when he was fighting the chieftain and managed to strike him on the head. Oh and a not to mention the escape and the great hook at the end of Chapter 3.

I’ve sent you a few typos that I spotted but hey we all have them and the story and how it is written is certainly of much more importance. Good work on this and I’m glad to have had the opportunity to read what I did. Thoroughly enjoyed it! Shelved!

Thank you for your efforts. I'm afraid I don't quite understand this part:

I'm assuming that the lass Ive already read makes the 'In chapter one,

I knew there were some typos in there. it's probably the result of the file being tansferred back and forth between computers innumerable times. Remound is the past-tense of remind. It's a variant of 'reminded', perhaps more of a colloqualism.

As far as I know, a sentance ends in a full stop. [“Yes.” she replied, walking towards me.] can be said on it's own, as can just lines of dialogue. Without the tags, the line would just be "Yes. Have you seen any?"

Either way, I'll look through it for punctuation errors. The first chapter SHould actually have more of them than the rest of the book, because it was rewritten entirely in the edit, so is really just a first draft of a completely different thing.

I'll try to get around to reading your book.

Daron.

Hi Daron,

Good voice and i like the mysterious opening - I'm assuming that the lass Ive already read makes the 'In chapter one, "They always remound" should, I think, be "They always remind." At the end of chapter two, "would no keep" should be "would not keep". ' observation, um...awry!?

Anyway.
[typo: “Yes.” she replied, walking towards me. “Have you seen any?” . Should be Yes COMMA]

In the crusade to lessen the adverb - 'quickly' is a real no-no and doesnt add anything to the 'There was a log; but this was quickly being dismantled by the workers.' sentence that couldn't be circumvented.

Ah ok, it's going to repeat. After direct speech if you are tagging ( whispered, said, exclaimed etc...) you need to finish with a comma so...

'Yes,' she said. Not a full stop and capital. Whereas:

' “Tribe.” I spat out the word. “You always refer to them as a tribe.” ' is prefect as the she spat out the word is not a tag, it's a description.

'content in a state of ignorance. and they were all born from the same nest” ' needs a punctu look.

....Mainly, they just run out of food and are forced to move on. needs a speech mark close.

“You seem to see a lot.” She said inquisitively. Ive said about the quickly before but you're a little overloaded with adverbs, especially in your tags. Trust the reader to have the voice in their head, especially with phrases like this, that I think can only be read in one way - it's overworked to reinforce that.

Feels a bit first drafty, but Im liking the idea. Be back to have another look, wishing you all the best, MAT

Cross Country--
Daron--
Quite the profile you have there. Might want to tighten it a bit (j/k).
Okay... I like your short pitch...
But I think for your long pitch you really need to "pitch" the story of the book.. rather than "quote" from the book.
It's totally up to you...but I didn't understand the long pitch until after I'd read the first chapter.
Okay.. I really love the voice of the boy. I love the intrigue of wondering what they heck is going on and where are they, what clan do they belong to? I love the banter between the two kids.
Once she leaves though and he makes his way to his hut....I found myself wanting to skim. I wanted to hurry up and figure out what was going on that I didn't want to listen to his chatter about the 'stuff' - now... I will be the first to admit I've a short attention span (I write YA) and I worry that your YA readers might feel the same. I think you could tighten that part up... and get to the bullies quicker.
At any rate... I really enjoyed this... I did see a few typos but - I'm sorry I read through them and didn't mark them down. Love the ants... original and clever...
I wish you luck with this and I'll put it on my shelf.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift