Girl in the Tower

Read the first chapter, felt a little distant as a reader. Didn't connect with your mc as much as I would have liked to. That's not saying I don't think that you have a good idea or a likeable MC. It just felt so sterile. I know that's what you are trying to do but I still would like to connect with your MC a little more. Good luck with this, it has a lot of potential. C.P

I love the quote from Carl Sagan...it really captures the mystery and awe of your novel. This is really well-written. Creepy, atmospheric, deep. WL.

The plot is intriguing and creative. I do think there are times when you've told us too much all at once during the Martha chapters. I really don't have a feel for who Martha is until near the end of Ch. 5. Maybe some of that back story could be integrated throughout? Shelved since I liked the story.

This is quite creepy stuff. I really feel for her. Its a classic story line of lock someone away and study them but you've made it your own. Shelved.

Hi Helen, Wow! This is exciting reading. Reminds me of Sheri Tepper and Margaret Atwood. I loved the bit in the tower, and I loved Martha in chapter 3. These worlds feel very real. I'm not sure how it all ties together and that is bugging me a little, though I wondered if the people in the cafe were talking about the girl in the tower as being weird. Your writing is really great, and I am shelving this. I hope you'll have a look at Black Earth, it is also set in the future. You might be interested in MOM, a book I checked out this evening, also set in a future that seems kind of similar to yours. Cheers, Helen.

Hi Helen,

Lets have a look...

Fascinating opening, you have me so far; saying as I see it....

[When she was learning COMMA? it glowed with texture, colours and sounds.]
[After these five days were over COMMA? there would be two days where the tasks were fun]

'She' is a little repetitive, but with no name I can see how this is hard to avoid - maybe try reversing out some of the sentences then at least SHE doesn't start so many?

Ch 2 - one or two rogue adverbs that arent needed - especially , eugh, quickly.
And in the centre section, the speech tags ( you have them pretty well down in the main) feel a liiiiil laboured.
Ouch! This isnt up to your standard! " They all stood with heavy hearts. For a few moments they looked at him with suspicion and fear but after a long look around they all started to act normally again. ".

reads odd... would she smile without them? " She handed it to him, still smiling with her large red lips."

Feels a little too long on the scientific discovery part - maybe they could only throw one thing in!? After the tension of the first chapter and the obvious hugeness of the discovery, it loses a bit of pace in the middle there. Found I was skimming a little.

Also seems a little incongruous - maybe even unbelievable - that they have discovered a portal to another universe and are content to be sent home?

{“Have a nice day Sir,” she smiled again. } Comma before the sir, which needs a small letter, unless he's knighted.

Time's up ! But seen enough to wish you well and shelve, hope comments are of some use, all the best, MAT

Intriguing and thought-provoking. I'm a bit of a Schroedinger's Cat fan, so this has me. Just a style point - the word 'she' seems to leap out at me in abundance, perhaps 'she' needs a name or titles to interchange. However, this is probably part of your plain speak style, so maybe ignore this. Anyway, there needs to be more writing like this. Backed.
Best wishes Rob Bassett :) Splinters

Inspired by my comments, I have updated my story. Hopefully my editing has improved. Let me know what you think...

Helen,
This is very interesting. There seems to be a lot of science in this science fiction, which is a real strength. I happen to think, for instance, that worm holes could exist and may allow humans to someday travel great distances in a heartbeat. Who knows? Martha obviously has a great vantage point on this.

Your write very well. I do believe you could break up the first chapter, even open with piece from Martha's POV, then being chapter two, then begin chapter two with John. Just a thought.

The larger point is that you have the content here. It's a good story.

(I did notice a typo in the sixth paragraph of chapter one: Most people "though..." should be "thought...")

Good work. I'm happy to shelve this.
Mark

I enjoyed the first chapter of this very much - although it is hugely long and I do wonder if you might be better breaking it up a little. The first part is absolutely intriguing -very visceral, multi-sensual description - my hands actually drew back from the keyboard when I was reading about the spiders. You lost POV at one point - 'most people thought she wouldn't be lonely' which, for me, broke the spell a little.
Love the odd touch of humour too - the fire brigade for a black hole - nice.
I'm happy to back you with this and onto the shelf for a spin it goes.
All best
Jane (Walker)

Helen, when I read your bio I knew I had to read your book. My first love was astronomy, but I forsook it for Engineering because of the job market in the ‘States. So, let me give you my two cents worth.
The first paragraph is very confusing to me. I had to read it several times, and still don’t quite understand it. That’s not good—especially for the first paragraph. I’d clarify what you are trying to convey, here. It would be even more confusing if I hadn’t read your premise.
“Everyone contained a grown.” I think you mean ‘groan’ here. Other than some confusions about the screen, this moves along rather nicely. Thanks for sharing and I’ll gladly back it for you. Dave (Visions)

There is a mystery here - first - the life of this girl. Her life seems so different and odd - kind of lonely. We ask ourselves, what is going on? And then the alarms and this the black hole type of thing - as John and Collin talk we get a feel for their concerns. So you've pulled me in and have come up with curious things to make me want to read more.

Shelved. This is fascinating amazing writing.
Suggestions.
Is Ch 1 too long..maybe break it where Martha comes in?
I was gonna suggest you start with the perfect baby you talk about in the pitch,
but the story seems different.
The explanation in 2..COOL but possibly you could split it up or have it being explained
to a visitor or whatever.
TYPO IN THE PITCH-...........Breach...not breech which is part of a gun I think.
Wishing you all the best with this........................Mikey (The Free)

Shelved. This is fascinating amazing writing.
Suggestions.
Is Ch 1 too long..maybe break it where Martha comes in?
I was gonna suggest you start with the perfect baby you talk about in the pitch,
but the story seems different.
The explanation in 2..COOL but possibly you could split it up or have it being explained
to a visitor or whatever.
TYPO IN THE PITCH-...........Breach...not breech which is part of a gun I think.
Wishing you all the best with this........................Mikey (The Free)

Hey Helen,

Quite interesting. I can feel the drone of bees. People born and raised to perform specific tasks. The part about the secret internet I liked. I honestly feel this is where we are headed, individuals, with minimal contact, but still craving a human touch.

You have a great storyline here, but you have a lot to do edit wise. Listen to what people will tell you in crits and you will find success with this. All my rambling is because I liked this. If I didn't, I would walk away without comment since I just found your pitch in the forum, so take my extensive crit as a sign you have potential.

One thing I know you will hear about is info dump. It's really hard not to do in Sci-fi / Fantasy but ..we..including me...are always trying to avoid this no-no. Think about ways to change this while you do a first edit.

There are things you can do asap to help readers navigate this wonderful piece. More readers means more crits and a better... salable product.

First, I have to say I didn't care for the first two opening sentences. I pictured a girl in an imaginary forest, then I realized she was in a room. The light split through the blinds...was an image I could immediately relate to.

Next...get rid of every single unnecessary word in your script. They stumble and slow the reader. I needed to try my best to ignore them. The biggest offenders..."Had" and "That". 99% of them are useless. I'm using examples toward the end because I can't cut and paste, but they are throughout the book.

example 1: She had listened quietly taking in this new information, coming to the realization that they had a way of communicating across the floors at the speed of light, and that the guards didn't know about it.

example 1:as good without extra words: She listened, taking in this new information, realizing there was a way of communicating the guards didn't know about.

example 2: "OK." He had left and she had climbed into her tent and began to explore the hidden fears of the people in the tower."

Example 2 without fat:

"Okay." He left.

She climbed into her tent, and began exploring the hidden fears of the people in the tower....still awkward maybe say ....her people (period)

other chops...had been (was)...they had been (they were) fixing these will really clean the piece up properly for future readers.

There is one small thing you can do to widen your audience which I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for. But since it's so rare here on a UK site and I've edited many global websites, I will bring it up. "learnt" ...most internationals will not use it in writing. "learned" is the most common. It will throw off readers from the start.

Anyway, I wish you success. Work on it. This is a good place to learn. Take advantage of harsh crits. Use the good ones to stroke your ego. You'll grow. Trust me.

Sangay Glass
Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot
Genni's Box

Helen,
This is very creative writing. I assume that first section is four chapters. Its like four short stories first the girl in the tower, then Colin, John and Tina, then Sam and then Martha. I assume they all come together later in the story. You've a great story working here, but it has a lot of clean up issues. Best thing is get the entire story written then give it over to an editor to clean it up. Don't worry about editing till you are done. This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi, Thanks. well it’s not exactly as you predict, but yes the separate stories will meet up around chapter 4. I have completed the whole story (80 000 words). I have submitted it to agents I’m not sure what to do about editing. I will have to look into it and upload it again.

Helen,
This is very creative writing. I assume that first section is four chapters. Its like four short stories first the girl in the tower, then Colin, John and Tina, then Sam and then Martha. I assume they all come together later in the story. You've a great story working here, but it has a lot of clean up issues. Best thing is get the entire story written then give it over to an editor to clean it up. Don't worry about editing till you are done. This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hello Helen,
This is not my familiar genre, but your writing and imagination pulled me in right from the start and I started enjoying it without being conscious of it. You are effective in your descriptions, made good use of dialogue and the collection of amazing characters did the trick. The story flows smoothly at a fast pace, sucking the reading further into the unfolding plot.Overall, this is a well written story that calls on me to return to again for further reading.

Al the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Thank you. I will read your book asap. (off to make dinner now it has taken me all day to get my book online!)

Helen,

I've added Girl In THe Tower to my Watchlist. You have an intriguing premise, and at a cursory read, there is an appealing humanity to your writing. You should, on the other hand, benefit from studying grammar and sentence structure to improve the intelligibility of your writing. Here is a sample sentence from your MS which could present a sort of laboratory for what I'm referring to:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at, she had watched as things spiralled inside of black holes, she had seen giant squid bring down sharks and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

This is what we call a run-on sentence, where one includes too many disparate thoughts and/or observations between the first capitalized letter and the period. I have been guilty of this myself, which is how I recognized it. Here's how one could re-modulate that sentence so the reader could keep a more accurate scan of your narrative:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at. She had watched as things spiraled inside of black holes. She had seen giant squid bring down sharks, and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

Now, the reader can follow your narrative with a sounder sense of context. (Note also I've corrected the spelling of 'spiraled' - same with 'traveled' - the past tense does not require the addition of an 'l' as you can see.)

But your work shows promise, as does your background, which seems to give you a unique qualification for it. Please take these comments as encouragement, and feel free to ask me anything which may clarify them.

Best regards,
-Eric Vincent

Hi, I think the spelling may be an American vs. UK English thing?
http://www.askoxford.com/
adjective 1 having travelled to many places. 2 used by people travelling: a well-travelled route.
verb (spiralled, spiralling; US spiraled, spiraling) 1 take or cause to follow a spiral course. 2 show a continuous and dramatic increase or decrease.

Hello Helen,
This is not my familiar genre, but your writing and imagination pulled me in right from the start and I started enjoying it without being conscious of it. You are effective in your descriptions, made good use of dialogue and the collection of amazing characters did the trick. The story flows smoothly at a fast pace, sucking the reading further into the unfolding plot.Overall, this is a well written story that calls on me to return to again for further reading.

Al the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Helen
After seeing your post on the forum I came over for a look. I was about to ask if you’d be interested in a read swap but after reading your pitch I couldn’t resist diving straight in! The concept of the child alone, watched by millions did it for me.
I love how you play with scale in the opening. Your prose is accessible and easy to read and the visuals are something else! There is quite a bit of exposition to start but my interest levels rocket when the action and dialogue start. From this point I am hooked. I blasted through to the end of the chapter and I will definitely read more.
A book I recommend a lot of people is ‘Hooked’ by Les Edgerton. I think if you give this a read you may just find the icing for your already very yummy cake.
Teleported to the shelf with pleasure
David
Green Ore

Thank you :) I will take a look at your book and the one you recommend later (or possibly after work tomorrow)

Helen,

I've added Girl In THe Tower to my Watchlist. You have an intriguing premise, and at a cursory read, there is an appealing humanity to your writing. You should, on the other hand, benefit from studying grammar and sentence structure to improve the intelligibility of your writing. Here is a sample sentence from your MS which could present a sort of laboratory for what I'm referring to:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at, she had watched as things spiralled inside of black holes, she had seen giant squid bring down sharks and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

This is what we call a run-on sentence, where one includes too many disparate thoughts and/or observations between the first capitalized letter and the period. I have been guilty of this myself, which is how I recognized it. Here's how one could re-modulate that sentence so the reader could keep a more accurate scan of your narrative:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at. She had watched as things spiraled inside of black holes. She had seen giant squid bring down sharks, and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

Now, the reader can follow your narrative with a sounder sense of context. (Note also I've corrected the spelling of 'spiraled' - same with 'traveled' - the past tense does not require the addition of an 'l' as you can see.)

But your work shows promise, as does your background, which seems to give you a unique qualification for it. Please take these comments as encouragement, and feel free to ask me anything which may clarify them.

Best regards,
-Eric Vincent

Thanks, I will take all of this on board.

Helen,

I've added Girl In THe Tower to my Watchlist. You have an intriguing premise, and at a cursory read, there is an appealing humanity to your writing. You should, on the other hand, benefit from studying grammar and sentence structure to improve the intelligibility of your writing. Here is a sample sentence from your MS which could present a sort of laboratory for what I'm referring to:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at, she had watched as things spiralled inside of black holes, she had seen giant squid bring down sharks and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

This is what we call a run-on sentence, where one includes too many disparate thoughts and/or observations between the first capitalized letter and the period. I have been guilty of this myself, which is how I recognized it. Here's how one could re-modulate that sentence so the reader could keep a more accurate scan of your narrative:

"Sometimes it let her choose what to look at. She had watched as things spiraled inside of black holes. She had seen giant squid bring down sharks, and stroked the wet noses of dolphins as they came to the surface of a warm ocean."

Now, the reader can follow your narrative with a sounder sense of context. (Note also I've corrected the spelling of 'spiraled' - same with 'traveled' - the past tense does not require the addition of an 'l' as you can see.)

But your work shows promise, as does your background, which seems to give you a unique qualification for it. Please take these comments as encouragement, and feel free to ask me anything which may clarify them.

Best regards,
-Eric Vincent

Helen
After seeing your post on the forum I came over for a look. I was about to ask if you’d be interested in a read swap but after reading your pitch I couldn’t resist diving straight in! The concept of the child alone, watched by millions did it for me.
I love how you play with scale in the opening. Your prose is accessible and easy to read and the visuals are something else! There is quite a bit of exposition to start but my interest levels rocket when the action and dialogue start. From this point I am hooked. I blasted through to the end of the chapter and I will definitely read more.
A book I recommend a lot of people is ‘Hooked’ by Les Edgerton. I think if you give this a read you may just find the icing for your already very yummy cake.
Teleported to the shelf with pleasure
David
Green Ore