Red Kiss - A Vamp Romantica

Lots of style and imagination here but for me, this doesn't work in the present tense (which is not used consistently anyway)...I don't think this kind of narrative lends itself to the immediacy that it entails and suggests. There are a number of language issues to be dealt with as well...lots of potential though.
Backed
Stewart

I have to say I only read the first chapter of this story before giving up. It lacks fluidity and realism, as well as the fact that there's a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. The sentence structures should be reviewed and edited and you should consider changing your tone in story telling as you would need to make this story a lot more attention grabbing if you want to get more out of it.

Thanks for you effort anyway.

This story was terrible - not only did it have egregious spelling, punctuation, and grammer problems, it was tacky and had very little plot.
Who wants to visualize a man cheating on his wife as a hero?
Why does Katy have so many malicious thoughts? Don't you think that takes away from her, as the heroine?
There is no depth to the characters at all - every thought they have is entirely superficial or unexpectedly manipulative. All 3 were painted as villians.
Do us all a favor and read over your own story before posting it.

Hi Marion

I've read a few chapters and this has potential, so I'm putting it on my shelf. There are a few points of grammar, punctuation and tense which others have mentioned, and I don't totally believe in your Mark and Katy. If he's such a hot-shot he'll have seen it all before so why would he be so bowled over by Katy, not to mention so unprofessional? And if Katy's so confident and self-assured, with a background in international business and law, why is she almost in tears at the thought of wearing the wrong clothes, for instance? The most real character is Vivian, to my mind, and I think you could make more of her.

In spite of this it's a very intriguing premise and I'm happy to give it my backing.

Best wishes
Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

Hi Marion,
I have now read a couple of chapters in your book and it looks promising, so I will shelve it. However, I suggest that you decide in which tense to write the book since you are now switching between them. You should also look at punctuation in connection with dialogue. These things corrected I think I would continue reading your book. Good luck!
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land (check it out - unless you have already done so)

I w/list this due to the pitch and I wasn't disappointed. Have only had a chance to read a small bit but I am backing because I want to read more.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Your pitch needs a bit of reworking. I was actually thinking NOT to read your story because of it. When you wrote that it was the boss's wife that planned to stop katy from getting into the club, I thought this was going to be a romance between two women. Why'd I think this? Because your story is catagorized under "romance" and in the pitch there's two females mentioned in it. Instead, I think you should switch this up, so that you focus the pitch of Katy and Mark. This will draw more readers to your story, IMO.

Now, onto your story. Mark won my interest the moment I read about him in the first few paragraphs. what a hotty he must be! Even though I like him, he seems rather 2-D to be a protagonist. I found myself wanting you to delve deeper into his character, to fully gain my loyalty towards him, so that I'm not immediate turned off by him in chapter two when I learn he has a wife and yet is lusting after another woman.

Otherwise, this was an interesting read. Your writing is fun and easy to read.

Best of luck,
June

Hello Marion,
Even though this is not my usual genre, your pitch enticed me to w/list the book; something I am glad I did because the three chapters read so far indicate that your story is promising. It is well written with a host of interesting characters.

Overall, it is a gripping story Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Marion

The short and long pitch are almost identical....Your pitch is your 'shop window' publishers and agents looking on the site decide what to look at based on your pitch....I'd suggest you change one....

'headquarters is located' should read 'headquarters are located'

You have a gripping and interesting storyline 'in theory'

I say that because Mr Strausen gives a job to a girl on looks alone, with no real interview to speak of.....

.Now, fiction readers will go a long way, and their imagination is up for most things, and believe me I read and write a complete load of tosh But I think either a bit of background detailing Mr Strausen's sexual promiscurity or details on katy's suitability for the job is needed here, to give the opening gambit a reasonable amount of credability......

The dialogue between them is fine, but the speech tags are sometimes to long...

' she said pulling off her gloves...........................and a paragraph later he replies......

Get the prose out, then start them chatting......

All said, yes, I did enjoy it, the premise is fantastic.....all women will want to be Katy in that chair......Backed with pleasere.......

Nolw you're probably thinking,,,,who does she think she is?

Another Vampire thriller!!! But a very superior kind of vampire thriller! Loving it Marion and its not really my genre! Good on you fella, I'm gonna back it right now!
Simon

Hi Marion,
Interesting premise. I agree with the previous suggestion to 'show' rather than 'tell' your introductory paragraphs. Perhaps even if you bring them out in the interview between Katy and Mark. I would like to see more of that from Mark's point of view - get a better understanding of why he finds her so attractive perhaps.

One big thing you are going to have to work on is your tense. You swap quite regularly between present and past tense "Mark --is-- like putty in the palm of her hand..." present tense to "What" she --asked-- past tense. You probably should pick one and make sure it is consistent, that way your writing will sound much more polished and professional.

All in all, you have an interesting premise and I am more than happy to take another look after your next edit.
Regards,
- Ani (The Silver Hawk)

Okidokie - I’m backing you because I like your plot idea and want to give you a boost and help get you noticed here on Authonomy! But I have some constructive criticisms!

You open full of ‘tell’ meaning you tell us everything. You tell us it’s the biggest company in the world, how much it makes, where its headquarters are etc. You really need to show this,m rather than tell it.
For example you could have someone reading a newspaper article about the company or walking past it?

Also, dialogue punctuation. There is never a full stop before ‘he said’!
So, I.e.

“Yes thanks.” he said. IS WRONG! It should be:
“Yes thanks,” he said.
You only have a full stop if it is the end of the sentence completely.
e.g.
“Yes thanks.” He picked up a glass of beer…

Very best of luck to you and I hope I’ve been of some help!

Hello Dark Warrior,
This is one of the most sexiest Vampire book I have ever read. Shelved with pleasure, I will post as I read more chapters.
Sweet Empress.

Hi Marion,

I like you premise. It sounds interesting. I would suggest you split the longer pitch into paragraphs as it’s hard to read it when it’s in one block.

I like the info about Red Kiss company as it tells us what they’re about and how successful they are. You started in present tense and shifted into past tense. Not a major problem, just something that caught my eye.

“Mr. Strausen… here(,)” said his secretary… Use a comma instead of a period when following dialogue with dialogue tags he/she said. I notice this happens throughout the chapter.

“Hello(,) Mr. Strausen, I’m…” Always use comma when directly addressing someone.

You have a good ear for dialogue and the characters interactions felt natural. Nicely done.

A good first chapter. It made me want to read on. Some punctuation errors, but that can be fixed with a good edit.

Chap 2.

“Scotch on the rocks(,) Sheila!” he shouted…

Again I spot punctuation errors like the ones I’ve mentioned before.

I like the quick pace. I’ve only read two chapters but so far so good. I’m enjoying the read and look forward to reading on when I can.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)