The Very Normal Life of Barstow Little

I read the first chapter and was impressed by the bleak setting and imagery you created. I'll keep reading.

Hi Cully,
I wasn't part of Authonomy to see this earlier, but I noticed the reference to its revamping and that it was updated recently. This is worth all your effort. First of all because of the talent you have with prose and characters. Secondly for the story itself. I loved the opening with the snow burying the broken stalks and glazing the Douglas fir trees in white jackets. I understand the comments below but I am glad you're keeping this artful description that sets a tone. I've only had time for the opening chapters, as is typical here, and justifiably so, since most of us have day jobs, etc. But I recognize talent and am starring this highly and placing it on my WL.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi Cully. First of all, I loved the title, then, the pitch. Excellent. I'm not the greatest at giving out comment's, but just to say, I have dipped into this book, and I shall indeed, be dipping some more.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to take a little peek inside The Russian Hat

Sincerly
Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

You have a good writing style and a great start to this work. I was struck by the hunting aspect intertwined in your writing. It is a good draw. There are some things that could cause a reader to stumble, but overall your writing sparks ones interest. Best of luck in your writing. I backed your book with anticipation of it being finished. I would appreciate you reading and commenting on December Gold. Your backing would be welcome. Blessings.
-author of December Gold

Hi Thanks for reading & commenting on The Lucky Bean Tree. I have dipped into yours & wonder whether the opening para would be better in the present tense. Just a thought. and backed. Kop.

Everything about this is good, the prose, the characters, the premise, everything...If you're looking to publish, you should rewrite the beginning...editors and agents are put off by opens painting the weather, unless the work is about the weather...

The Very Normal Life of Barstow Little:

Cully,

An interesting premise in your synopsis and I had been looking forward to its development.
However, I found that there was a little too much telling rather than allowing the characters to speak for themselves.
When the very brief interludes of dialogue do come, you could benefit by omitting the 'he said,' 'said Barstow' etc etc, speaker attributions and construct your dialogue so that you allow it to be self-evident who is speaking without clogging up the flow/spontaneity and naturalness with 'he said's'.
Hope to read more after your edits and when I've got through my WL.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

You are correct, David. Right now i'm looking for comments on "The Losses." Barstow Little is being revised. Thanks!

The title is very Hollywood and I was immediately thinking The curious case of Benjamin Button...
I found your opening rich with description a pleasure to read and it drew me nicely into the story in a gentle manner. One think I would advise though, is that you seem to double describe the snowflakes within the first paragraph, first as confetti then as leaves. It's a very beautiful story you weave, it's in need of a polish in places, but i note you haven't updated since September so I presume you're still busy with edits. I certainly enjoyed by time in the novel, despite it revolving around death is was actually a very pleasant read. I backed it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

The title is very Hollywood and I was immediately thinking The curious case of Benjamin Button...
I found your opening rich with description a pleasure to read and it drew me nicely into the story in a gentle manner. One think I would advise though, is that you seem to double describe the snowflakes within the first paragraph, first as confetti then as leaves. It's a very beautiful story you weave, it's in need of a polish in places, but i note you haven't updated since September so I presume you're still busy with edits. I certainly enjoyed by time in the novel, despite it revolving around death is was actually a very pleasant read. I backed it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Looked at your first story.

There is nothing to crit on this story. I think it's faultless. The descriptions are fantastically done and placed me right there with the characters.

Happy to back.

Lorri

I live the name and cover for this.
The Hunt-I really enjoyed this. I think you certainly are a skilled writer.
There were a lot of sentences that started with personal pronouns which I found slowed the pace down a bit. But all in all I think you have a cracking story here.
It has some lovely descriptions buried within it and I often found myself thinking that certain senteces were gorgeous.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

THE VERY NORMAL LIFE OF BARSTOW LITTLE - Cully Perlman
I love the opening chapter with all its imagery, but have one tiny nit-pick after many winters spent in snow - it is the winds (not the snow) that bring down the temperature, and I would like to see that phrase reversed.
That apart, the story flows well with good descriptings and interesting dialogue.
I'm backing this story.
JR

Hi Cully,

I'm here for our read swap. I jotted down some notes as a reader, since I don't feel I know enough as a writer to give good advice. These are the things that jumped out at me and interrupted the flow of the story, or bits I really liked. I hope you find these comments helpful.

Pitch

~ I think your pitch does a good job summarizing your story (guessing, anyway since I haven't read the whole thing), but I would suggest breaking up the main paragraph a bit, to make it more eye-catching and punchier.

Chapter Nine - In the Shade of a Palm

~ "...like the image of Eisenstaedt's picture.." - having image and picture in the same breath seems a bit redundant

~ "Three weeks before the Germans surrended..." - that's one heck of a long sentence. Maybe turn it into two or three shorters ones to make it flow better

~ Heart-wrenching image of the dying soldiers superimposed on the celebration.

~ "All of this did not make Barstow feel like a hero..." - again, this is a big sentence filled with all kinds of information. I'll make the blanket suggestion that you go through (as I had to) and look at all your lengthy sentences, to see if you can break them up at the "ands".

~ Ah, survior guilt. Poor Barstow.

~ I was caught up in the description of his swim, and especially moved by the "allowed the salt to drain" moment. However, again I would suggest breaking up the long paragraph into shorter ones.

~ "He looked at Eloise, remembering what she had done for him... what she'd done." - I would recommend cutting "what she'd done" from this sentence.

~ "Could've 'been worse" - don't need ' in front of "been"

~ "... he had needed it to move past a few things he couldn't get passed." - should be "past" instead of "passed" but I'm thinking a bit of rephrasing might work better.

~ I'm noticing that we share another habit - I went through my first seven chapters, and deleted "that" over 400 times (in my defense, at the time six and seven hadn't been touched and were still in rough draft form, but still...). Maybe do a search of your document, and look at the times you use it, to see if it's really needed.

You have a very easy to read style, and a beautiful way with descriptive phrases. A bit of editing and tweaking, and this will really shine. Shelved!

~Traci
Tangled Web

I heeded your call and looked at two later chapters, 4 and 11. You have an easy, take you by the hand style. This is folksy but not meandering and I really liked your style. I have a feeling that in addition to doing book research, you've spent some time listening to your grandparents talk, looking through their photo albums, and reading their old letters. If that's true, this is a wonderful testament to what is indeed America's greatest generation.

I saw some typos and overuse of 'that', and a little bit of what I call R.U.E. (Resist Urge to Explain) Your descriptions and narration already had me feeling what Barstow was, I didn't have to be told.

This deserves further scrutiny so I'll help it along with a turn on my shelf.

Cully, you have a beautiful narrative voice. I love your descriptions of the countryside and those of the planes in Flak are masterly. I think you're a proper writer, if you see what I mean and should be published .
Shelved.
Lynn

Hey, Cully. I read a bit of this over the weekend, and I rather enjoyed it. It's definitely different, and I enjoyed the way it was told -- in a confidential, narrative form, like one friend telling a story to another. I noticed some people thought it jumped around a bit much -- I don't agree, I thought that worked well with the narrative style of the work.

I think I might have had more cogent comments at some point this weekend, but they've been wiped out of my brain since. Still, I dug it, and it's worth a spin through the shelf. :)

Cully,

I read chapter 4 - A Change of Plans. Enjoyed your narrative style and assuming you meant to use a telling style more than the showing through action style - it made sense to me for the most part - with the memoir type of story. "It was the last time Barstow saw books" Books, right? near the end of the story. it just jumped out at me. Anyway, with more time I'll delve into more. Nice writing. Shelved. CW (To Save the Sun or Men of Creation.)

Hi Cully.
I just read *Flak* and had to leave you a comment.
Yes, some of it is overwritten, but boy did you get my heart racing! Once I got fully 'into' the story, the overwriting and repetition actually made sense, actually added to the pace of the story. It was exciting and tense, and impossible not to see the clouds and the spiralling planes, the tracer bullets and paracutes descending.
Barstow's scene with the First Lieutenant was particularly poignant.
So you can forget what I said about it being overwritten, at least for this story. Leave it alone - it was perfect.

Oh, apart from '...and clouds of antiaircraft...' You're missing a hyphen and probably the word *fire* at the end.

Shelved, of course.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

BARSTOW LITTLE - Cully, well-written, perhaps a trifle meandering. Lots of great description but maybe more dialog would help. However, this is a well-crafted story with a deep-seated sense of place and the pace of life.. good luck in getting published... Evan ( Oaklane Woods )

Maybe it was because I was sleepy last night and more awake this morning, but I was able to get into chap 5 more so than chap 4. Maybe it was because we are in the thick of things now. As I see it, each chapter is a short story of Barstow's life, which is fair to say is far from normal. Judging from the blurb, his childhood is far from typical. And anyone flying in WW II is far from normal as well. I was easily sucked into the time and thought you wrote well. Since you are asking for specific constructive advice, I'll point out a few things. But despite what I point out, I feel this is good enough for a spot on my shelf.

A couple of typos. You should have periods instead of commas at these spots: ...leg, The...jostling, Barstow...

You shouldn't have an end quote here:...Thomson.'

I'd say you write well and you're ready for the next step - cutting out unnecessary words. I'll give you an example from a paragraph beginning with "After a few minutes." I believe you could cut words and phrases and not miss a beat. In fact it'll pick up the pace of your prose. Try cutting the following:

After a few minutes
were (change "humming" to "hummed")
and (start a new sentence instead)
of planes (should be obvious)
If you took the planes out and put school children in their place, (becomes obvious in the next couple of sentences)

Overall, I like this. It has the feel of a historic memior - but it's fiction? Well done. Shelved.

Hi Cully. I read Ghosts In the Night and Flak. As a WWII buff I really enjoyed these stories. Very intense air combat scenes. Good descriptive narrative and well-researched. As you know, my novel is also set in 1944. My MC encounters the war from the ground in Belgium and Germany. Barstow sees it all from the air, except when he is shot down in Flak. Good image of LaTrane's death, with his chute caught on the side of the diving Lib. I just have a few suggestions:

Ghosts In the Night
Flying condition were dismally poor” – “Flying conditions were dismal”
“pouring down rain” – “pouring rain”
“heavy lions built of metal” – good visual (no suggestion--I just liked this)
Flak
Find some other term for the repetition of First Lieutenant. Maybe "officer" or "soldier".

Overall, I liked these stories very much. There's a sense of familiarity here for anyone who has researched the war. Good luck with your book. Shelved.

Randy
(Buttermilk Moon)

What you have here is a command of language that many others today can not compete with. Your brand of writing reminds me of the writings of C.S. Lewis. Not his fiction, but his writings on religion. He wrote that conscience is proof that god exists because it reveals that every human has an innate sense of right and wrong. For some reason, reading your prose reminds me of this. The elegant construction of thoughts in Brastow show the complexities of the human mind in even doing the smallest of tasks. Not sure I'm making much sense, but truly enjoyed the read and am honored to have it on my shelf.
Love and Fear: The Diary of Oliver Lee
Kenny

Hi Cully,
Just read 'The Hunt' and promise to get to the rest later.
I like your writing style but believe there is scope for improvement. The MS has the usual quota of typos, etc but they will get cleaned with each edit. Could you please avoid using Barstow's name to start paras, and in one instance, in para 1 you used the name twice in one sentence. Often, because the writer tends to get 'into' the story, there is a tendency to overwrite and you have generally avoided that pitfall, but some of the narrative could do with a bit of simplification.
Best,
Nans

As I read your elegant chapters, the sepia-colored slats of my venetian blinds bring in the sunlight, leaving a dappled effect on my already-stained walnut door that years ago I placed upon two industrial two-drawer file cabinets to create what passes for a desk, if desk it was. For in truth, I use it as much to read the work of others as to do work myself.

or

I just got home from work and read your elegant prose at my desk. I find I like reading the other authors on authonomy, even if I don't do much new writing myself!

This is the quandary you have left me in. Personally, I use and often prefer, a less wordy narrative. I too often find that kind of writing a bit pretentious. But hold on -- because I don't find that with yours. It truly is elegant and is more literary fiction than the current commercial fiction I turn out. You capture a mood and express it evocatively. I especially love the part about listening to Orson Welles' War of the Worlds (I read chapter 4 as you requested, by the way).

So what am I saying? I am saying that you have won me over with a style that does not usually win me over. So consider that a very high compliment.

That said, I do have one concern, and I think this should concern you, too: For the first section of this chapter, the time frame is the immediate present. They are listening to the radio with their college chums. Then suddenly, you telescope time to a much broader canvas, jumping ahead two years with little detail and then, before you know it, we are off to the war! Holy cow! I think there is a pacing issue here that you need to address. Either spend less time in the dorm with Orson and his broadcast, or add more texture and detail to the later material.

Either way, you have put a lot of work into this and it shows. You clearly write well. It reminds me of the mid-20th century literary fiction that we do not see much anymore. For that, you are to be applauded.

I hope we can be both read more and perhaps back each other's books in the future. In the meantime, this is going on my WL.

As I read your elegant chapters, the sepia-colored slats of my venetian blinds bring in the sunlight, leaving a dappled effect on my already-stained walnut door that years ago I placed upon two industrial two-drawer file cabinets to create what passes for a desk, if desk it was. For in truth, I use it as much to read the work of others as to do work myself.

or

I just got home from work and read your elegant prose at my desk. I find I like reading the other authors on authonomy, even if I don't do much new writing myself!

This is the quandary you have left me in. Personally, I use and often prefer, a less wordy narrative. I too often find that kind of writing a bit pretentious. But hold on -- because I don't find that with yours. It truly is elegant and is more literary fiction than the current commercial fiction I turn out. You capture a mood and express it evocatively. I especially love the part about listening to Orson Welles' War of the Worlds (I read chapter 4 as you requested, by the way).

So what am I saying? I am saying that you have won me over with a style that does not usually win me over. So consider that a very high compliment.

That said, I do have one concern, and I think this should concern you, too: For the first section of this chapter, the time frame is the immediate present. They are listening to the radio with their college chums. Then suddenly, you telescope time to a much broader canvas, jumping ahead two years with little detail and then, before you know it, we are off to the war! Holy cow! I think there is a pacing issue here that you need to address. Either spend less time in the dorm with Orson and his broadcast, or add more texture and detail to the later material.

Either way, you have put a lot of work into this and it shows. You clearly write well. It reminds me of the mid-20th century literary fiction that we do not see much anymore. For that, you are to be applauded.

I hope we can be both read more and perhaps back each other's books in the future. In the meantime, this is going on my WL.

OK, you say be critical, so I tried to be...but I think, before we get to that, that this is beautifully written. I read the first, the fourth, and the eleventh. I only took notes from an ed's perspective on the first chapter, but I saw similiar problems in the further chapters...

some examples, from chapt one -

Eyes ;the sparkle
Firths;, whereas
(same para – double full stop at the end)
struggled to remain part of (missing full stop)
‘Reload boy.
‘Reload’
(miss out speech mark at end of para, but not the beginning of the next, if it’s a run-on)

And lather, rinse, repeat throughout.

But that's really piddly crap.

Personally, I'd chop up some of the paragraphs, make it more accessible for people with a short attention span - like me - but then this is your style, and it works very well.

I like the set-up, I like your writing, so really, I haven't got any proper quibbles, I'm trying, but I can't do it. Sorry. I thought this was very good.

Cheers,

Craig

Cully

The Pitch
You use the word 'death' 4 times...you could perhaps switch one for ...'demise' 'passing' or something similar???????

Chapter One
I found occasions when the prose would actually 'mean more' by 'saying less' Read the first paragraph to yourself deleting the words...

A Light
like arms but
before him in the early dark

You mention the dark again at beginning of paragraph 2, (repetitive narration )

I stopped taking notes of the words I thought you could do without, because I miss the story otherwise....And if you dont agree then there's bugger all point me mentioning it......But they all add up.....I went to a seminar hosted by a celebrated published author, he said 'if a word can be done without, then do without it' !!!!

I thought 'long drawn out syrupy voice' was brilliant, I could hear that sound......

I got fed up reading 'Barstow's father,' I gave him a name, I liked it better, then changed my mind and called him Barstow's father again....It does drone on though, do a word count and see how many times you say it ....

Apart from that am sorry not to be able to slag you off more, because I see from your profile that's what you prefer....

Enjoyed it.........

The Very Ordinary Life of Barstow Little

Hi Cully,

Fantastic sense of place through your description, my breath was almost fogging in front of me as I read the evocation of snow and cold. The talent sparkles from your writing, your ambition and challenge for yourself strong and clear. You are definitely onto something here Cully, but I think you know that. If you don't live in Jackson County then you are very good with your research, this place comes alive as much as the characters in this piece. I note you want criticism and in many respects I do not feel qualified to comment, you are a much better writer than me. If I was to level one criticism, it is the length of that first sentence and some of the subsequent ones, it does meander about, which is I am sure part of your style, but does it actually tell us anything more at the end as it does at the beginning. Also, I found the use of parentheses around the description of coffee threw me out of the story as well. I enjoyed this very much thought Cully and I will continue to pop back and read them, great writing and if you cannot make it into publication there is no hope for the rest of us.

Best wishes - Andrew W. - would be interested in your views on mine, although I am not trying to do anything near as intelligent, thoughtful and literary as you are.

(Sanctuary's Loss)

Cully. Your prose is dense and definitely has a more literary fic tone to it than popular fiction. Beautifully written and intelligent but in places it borders on being overwritten. Sometimes simplicity is key, if you are too heavy handed with the metaphors, similes and description it just ends up beautifully overdone instead of just beautiful. I did enjoy it though and this is just my humble opinion. You write very well and I have shelved it.
Rachael
'Falling Through'

Cully,

The lovely Krista (Riley's Gift) recommended this to me. I see from your profile that you love criticism: I try to provide quite specific critique, but in a supportive manner.

Hopefully, I can offer something that will be of assistance to you. Remember, though, that all that I offer is the opinion one, unpublished, writer--if what I offer does not resonate with your sensibilities and what you know to be right for your book, then ignore it!

Starting with your pitch. I have a few observations on the short version:

--first, this is a long sentence and, in my opinion would be better split into two;
--second there are a number of clichés, or near clichés in this; and
--third, face-to-face, I believe is normally hyphenated;
--fourth, I believe an 'in' before personal would make the sentence easier to follow (in a simpler sentence it could be omitted, but this one, I think demands common form of expression).

Looking at the long pitch, again I have a few observations, first a couple on structure:

--first I would move the note to end, with the information about MS status; and
--second, I'd advise splitting the pitch in to two or three short paragraphs, separated with line breaks, look for a structure with a beginning, middle and end (even if the end only hints at resolution).

Second some observations on the writing, or the language:

--there's an early echo of introduction;
--lonely/solitary, I'd advise picking one;
--[pastoral] fields of a war-ravaged France, I'd omit pastoral too many adjectives clutter the writing;
--hurdles/tribulations, pick one;
--he [himself], 'himself' is redundant;
--No problem starting sentences with 'But' these day, but I don't think you need to here;
--the second half of the final sentence, might better fit at the beginning of the pitch.

Okay, so that's a lot of comment and nitpicking for a pitch. However, this is the first sample of your writing Authonomites will see and some may decide whether or not to read further on this basis alone. Also, a good pitch will serve you well later, as the basis for enquiries to agents and publishers. It is worth expending effort on this.

Now, into the work proper. A note before I begin, recently the first thing I've been doing, is reading the first fourteen line--roughly the opening page of a properly formatted MS--and asking myself the question, would I turn the page? In a book store, if I turn that page I will almost certainly buy the book.

Wow! This is a first for me, the initial fourteen lines of your work are less than a paragraph. And, I'm afraid that the answer to my question is, no. I wouldn't turn the page. Why? Well a number of reasons:

--lack of engagement;
--lack of action;
--cliché; and
--overwriting.

I'll talk about each of those in a moment, first though that sounds harsh, so let me add, that the thing almost grabbed me was the rhythm and the imagery, and I'll come back to that, but I do see potential, and you've indicated a willingness to seek out criticism, so here it comes.

Lack of engagement: Barstow Little is the MC, and one way to keep me reading is to engage me with him, but by the end of the first page, all he has done is sit up and I have no insight at all to his thoughts or personality.

Lack of action: Another way to engage me is with some drama, that doesn't have to explosions or what have you, but it does have to be immediate and dynamic, you start with a very static scene, recounting what *has* passed before getting to what *is* happening.

Cliché: This is a tough call, perhaps unfair, but works starting with the MC waking are all to prevalent, there are also many works starting with storms, the combination of the two strikes me as too much.

Overwriting: I alluded to this in the long pitch, but I will expand here. sometimes simple is beautiful, think elegant. A gem shines brightest on a plain setting. There are places where you over describe, your description will be more effective if you choose to focus on key elements then detail those with carefully chosen words, such that the things described link in some way to the development or theme of the work. When you use simile or metaphor, try and look for a consistency, so if you compare snowflakes to confetti, then work the wedding metaphors. Don't describe things simply for the sake of it. For example, four different sorts of trees doesn't really add anything for me. Don't tell us what isn't--the reference to what the grass is like in the warmer months--there's quite enough about what is. Try to, to get closer to Barstow's viewpoint, by omitting sensing type verbs that distance us from him. An example:

Barstow could not see the icicles falling, but the crackle and blithe crashing, which Barstow imagined was the like the splash of an ocean wave, was a sound he knew well.

Here, you talk about what he can't see, use 'see' 'sound' and 'imagine' to tell us what he experiences, instead of showing it to us through his prism, and there's an abundance of language in 'crackle and blithe crashing' then that imagined metaphor about the ocean . . . an alternative presentation, might be something like:

A familiar crackle and crashing announced the falling of icicles.

Paring back in some places, making experiences more immediate, will allow other images (like snowflakes glistening in slits of light, or cow-licked brittle bundles) to stand out.

You should also look closely for word echoes, there are a number of these in the first paragraph and they do not have the feel of deliberate repetition.

By the way, last sentence of this paragraph (thought it's on page two) I'd be inclined to turn around:

Not everything had to be explained.

For me that a stronger statement, but obviously it's all a matter of opinion.

Back to the positives I mentioned--and good criticism always deals with both--rhythm and imagery.

When I read your work out loud I find it flows well, very well. There's something poetic about this, the challenge is to maintain this, whilst focussing the writing.

Similarly the imagery, I've referred to a couple of striking one from the first paragraph. But remember too many will dull each other.

You have described this as literary fiction, and it seems to me to have great potential in that area. Rich description is a part of the literary tradition, but importantly when Flaubert waxes lyrical about some detail, that detail illuminates a character or contributes to the theme of the work.

There's an awful lot here about the pitch and the first paragraph. I have skimmed on through the first chapter--which by the way is quite long for on-line reading--and have a few general observations on this:

--there's a predominance of long, unbroken narrative paragraphs;
--you make a lot of use of 'was' and 'had' forms that tend to slow pace;
--the little dialogue there is, is *very* good, spare and natural;
--especially during the hunt, I still want to get closer to Barstow's experiences
--you have one paragraph that would be more than an MS page long and it's a very dramatic passage, that could--and in my opinion should--be drawn out through short sharp passages;
--the last paragraph is great, for me the best writing in this chapter (or story); but
--I feel that there's something missing between that long paragraph and the final one.

That may be more criticism than you were expecting, but I hope that is in some way useful.

As I mentioned earlier, I wouldn't buy this in it's current form, but there are glimpses here of something I would buy, and your attitude to seeking out criticism is to be applauded. Thus, I will give this some space on my shelf.

You might like to look at Ali Mair’s Daisychains of Silence, for an example of a work that achieves excellence in literary description, while works like Mindbomber or Taggers are good examples of making point of view immersing and immediate.

Cully
Most people start at the beginning so I went for random Ch10.
I read in the spirit of your request for criticism and I always prefer to take a constructive approach. Righto? Splendid.
I do like your prose. And I particularly enjoy the coming home theme of the chapter and the central character.
The first two paragraphs are quite lengthy and consist of exposition. Some would say this is telling and not showing, but in my experience of Literary Fiction, there is a lot more cerebral prose anyway. This isn’t the book opening and the reader is already on your side at the point and it could well be the perfect time for this. With that said, even as a reader coming in cold (my fault) I am still engaged, especially from the point of ‘The train pulled into the station…’
I spotted a few minor typos throughout the chapter, but as I’m no expert I’ll just recommend you get another set of eyes to look it over.
‘Self-Editing for Fiction Writers’ (Browne & King) would also be a good tool for tightening (not that much needs doing) I recommend this book to most people.
And a great chapter end… Oh my! Another book I now want to read completely. I’ll be back for more.
Shelved with pleasure
David
Green Ore

Hi Cully, Liked the nostalgic tone and the lavish description. And the storytelling, juxtaposing the family history with the duck hunting. Barstow’s father seemed to handle his initiation like warfare. Then the LuAnne part was also enjoyable and full of the local panorama. It started out slowly with many similes which could be thinned, I guess, and then when the characters came in, that seemed to clear. I wondered at the use of Ms. in that time and then your capitalization of nouns such as Mallard. Good character depictions. There is a lot in here that has the forming of a man in it and I could get immersed in it. Shelved – Katherine

Cully,
This is one of the best first chapters I've read in a long while. Maybe because when I was very young I went hunting a lot with my father and had all the same thoughts and feelings you express so well.We were taught never to point a gun at anything we didn't intend to kill and never kill anything we didn't intend to eat.The narrative is artfully painted with extreme attention to detail, and the dialogue and dialect is fantastic, so real. From my editor's eye you might want to trim some of the narrative to pick up the pace and make sure to break up that monster paragraph beginning The rain let up some. . . Loved the simile: like bison and coyote carcusses. Oh yeah, normally we don't use (parens) to set off related thoughts but --double dashes-- This is a great story right out of my childhood and I plan to read more.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Cully,
Krista told me I had to read your book. Well, I always listen to that woman- she's got good taste.
I really liked this, your words were beautiful- saw it like a movie.
Some really long paragraphs, but it didn't bother me.
I'll leave the critiquing to the pros...I just read, I don't even write.
Just wanted you to know I really liked it. I don't have a book, but if you haven't read Riley's Gift (Krista's book) Please do- something that should be mandatory for teenagers to read!
Backed.
Good luck to you.
-Mo

Cully, The second story is poignant and unusual, and you recreate the social climate of the thirties admirably.
The only jarring note - the ponytail- seems to have slipped in from the fifties.
I stumbled over - 'only trickling down in bits........................' It's a clunky sentence, and I think choosing a word other than 'trickling', which suggests water rather than wind, would lead to a clearer image and a better sentence.
Now that I have read two stories and have a better handle on your narrative voice, it becomes easier to point out slight weaknesses. (you asked for it)
1 When the writing loses rhythm, as it does occasionally, it is often as a result of a lazy word choice, as above, which affects the way you write the following sentence or two.
2. The endings, both of them, give the impression of falling off a ledge rather than drawing to a close. Maybe if you compare your last paras. with your opening ones it will give an idea of how your writing speeds up and slips into plot-advancing mode at the end. If these were chapters in a novel, it would be less noticeable, but short stories generally tend to be more end-oriented.

Just a bit of pedantry to throw into the mix.

BTW. Odysseus has a similarly ambitious project uploaded which you may like.( though he's not American, so very different in style)

Hi, sorry for the delay in returning the read!

I like the way you incorporate all the senses, it really places the reader into the story, the scene…experience it like the characters experience it.

I didn’t like the repeat of ‘Joseph would say…his father would say…’ - this could be varied and it seems too ‘tell’.

Before ‘One generation to the next’ - you have a full stop and a semi colon - I presume it’s just a typo!

You use ‘was’ a lot - it makes the narrative a bit passive

I like the part where he says the shotgun is alive to him.

I think the pace of the story is slow and could be sped up, just my opinion.

MY final point is purely irrelevant except for me -- I don’t like the killing ducks, I am a vegetarian and animal lover!

Hope I’ve been of some help, best of luck

Cully

On to your second story,

First impression - That second sentence is a bit of a mouthful. ...stole to the hills and valleys...? Not sure stole gives the right image, though it seems correct by definition.

Otherwise, first rate. The voice is lyrical. I normally like dialogue, to break the monotony of narrative, but this flows easily and holds my interest. You show the world Barstow lives in, the otherworld Lu-Anne inhabits
and give me the sense that Barstow will be filled with ambition to capture her heart, fully knowing the difficulty of it, rather than despair.

I am here in regards to our swap read agreement of which you already commented mine.

This is serious writing but even serious writing can use a tune up. My thing were some of the very long paragraphs. Sometimes in serious literature it's necesary but I felt this time it was unnecessary. Scale out those BIG paragraphs and you'll be okay.

The other niggle I had was that you started too many times with Barstow's name. Mix it up. You are a competent writer. Mix it up yet again.

You have a skill not wield that editorial pen, tighten it up a bit, mate.

Though you did not back me, I will BACK you! Cheers!

JC

The Very Normal Life of Barstow Little---
Cully,

Okay… I see on your profile: “I LOVE criticism. Please be as critical and specific as possible.” I’ll do my best – and put on my editing -cap.
I take notes as I read…I’m not the best reviewer of Literary Fiction, and never feel worthy to critique it (but I’ll give it a go). I write YA…and usually have a short attention span (especially depending on my mood LOL). Whatever I say is clearly my opinion – as limited as it maybe – so I always advise …a grain of salt, it’s up to you to taste or toss! *wink*

Chapter One--
Okay… my first thought – wow, long paragraph (overwhelms my attention span-LOL). Long paragraphs for some reason don’t seem to translate well on screen. Might want to (for the sake of the site, break up the paragraphs – so those of us challenged don’t feel overwhelmed)

“His breath was a slow mist before him in the early dark; his feet and the tip of his nose were cold and numb and tingled. (‘and’ 3x’s) maybe… “were cold, numb and tingling.”

“He sat up..” could be new paragraph.
The next sentence… whoa… is really long, really long. Good descriptions, but wow, it’s a mouthful.

“Barstow could not see the icicles falling, but the crackle and blithe crashing, which (he) imagined was like the splash of an ocean wave, [was] a sound he knew well.” --- I would change Barstow to ‘he’ and delete the extra ‘was’.

It must be a prerequisite for all literary fiction writers to have a love affair with the comma, I see this a lot. *wink*

Not sure I understand why you have, “Walking from the coffee pot to the…..” quite the run down, is this necessary? Isn’t the point that he can hear the others downstairs eating?

“Barstow’s mother had gone to visit her mother…” instead of repeating ‘mother’ could you say grandmother? Or how about Mom?
“Barstow was excited.” Hmmm better way to relay this? Maybe? Show his excitement?

“Barstow took a deep breath..” next sentence I’d use “he” -- Then instead of repeating double barrel maybe use “the one”

Nathan interrupted. [He said,] “Nathan is right about that.” -- I would delete the tag. ( I see you do this several times…you don’t need the tags if you preempt it with action.

Paragraph starting, “Joseph looked at Nathan. [He said]. “Nathan is right…”
Again delete the tag…and then when you get to…. “Barstow did not know if..” –this needs to be a new paragraph to separated from Joseph’s dialog.

I feel confused by the tense of some of your sentences, and the overuse of “was” --- “His father was laying ham and cheese and bacon on hard bread…” Is he doing it now or previously?
I would do a check for “was” and see how many you could change. “His father stacked ham, cheese and bacon on hard bread…” (again my opinion ;-)

Love the boy’s view of his uncles and father….very pointed and a great visual.

You have quite the talent of putting the reading in the scene. Excellent visual depictions with nature.

You seem to use Barstow … a lot. *wink* (just print a few pages and circle all of them. Can be enlightening)

“Stop your whining and get.” Both Joseph and Nathan say this? Is Nathan mocking Joseph?

Okay…. The 2nd to the last paragraph - I think you could really build some tension by breaking this apart. So much happens – important things- lets ‘feel’ it.

Not sure about the final paragraph. I wanted more… details of the aftermath, which is a good thing I suppose. I’d read on… but time doesn’t allow.

Cully, your writing ability is excellent. You have such a wonderful talent at painting the scene, and putting the reader there in the moment. The things I’ve mentioned are little, tiny things. This is a great work. I hope you’ve found my remarks helpful, and I wish you all the best.
Of course on my shelf.
~Krista
--Riley’s Gift

And I agree with you--the goal for me here is not to land on #1 but rather write the best collection I can in order to seek eventual publication.

Thanks,

Cully

I think like Dicken's a character's name speaks volumes. Barstow Little is a sublime name. Add to this the poetry of your work and you're on to a winner. Please don't chase the editor's desk. Leave your work on here for a few weeks, get enough comments, then find an agent.
Best wishes Rob

I think like Dicken's a character's name speaks volumes. Barstow Little is a sublime name. Add to this the poetry of your work and you're on to a winner. Please don't chase the editor's desk. Leave your work on here for a few weeks, get enough comments, then find an agent.
Best wishes Rob

Cully, I've only read your first story sofar, but I love it to bits. How I wish more writers would portray nature as you do., with a feeling for the texures and the spirit of things. I love the paragraph with the 'rough hands slick with deer and elk and rabbit and pheasant blood, tearing hides, plucking feathers, yanking innards. It's like an old Dutch painting.
My uncle used to take me shooting coypu in the East Anglian marshes, when I was young. He was a rough man and you took me right back to that time.
I look forward to reading on, and am putting this on my shelf for easy access. I can't find anything to change. I don't think you should tighten it or tidy it up. The rough texture suits the subject. Julia

I dipped into several chapters/stories to see how this developed and where it was going. Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but if this is a series of stories based on the life of one man, why write short stories rather than a biographical novel (which will stand a lot more chance of being published)?

Having said that, this is a masterclass in good writing: tight, economial, punchy, evocative, and confident. I'm very pleased to back it. Best wishes, Tony.

Found this on Becky McKinney's shelf and I understand why she likes it. Feels like literature to me, too. Full of grit and the hardness of life on the high plains.

Was it Joseph who shot Nathan or Barstow? Was it Nathan you were referring to with the line "briefly bad at what he hit?" None of that is clear enough. But that final paragraph of Chapter One sill has a lot of truth to it, too. I'll be reading more.

Gonna have to juggle some stuff around but it will be getting my vote.

Outstanding, atmospheric writing. Perfectly grounded in place and time. The prairie wind just cuts through this-- I can feel it as I read. You are a master of your craft.
Best of luck.
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Cully, this is very nicely written. It's not my sort of thing, but it should do well here and I wish you all the best for it. I suggest perhaps you might look at making some of the paragraphs shorter, but that's mainly for ease of reading on screen. And for the last paragraph in the first chapter, I'll put it on my shelf briefly.

These are excellent stories about some fascinating characters. I do hope the book does well.

Charles

Hello Cully (great name, by the way)... I read this on a recommendation from another Authonomite, and I'm very glad I did. You have a wonderful set of characters who you have painted vividly and with a delicate hand. You are an adept writer with a very polished piece here, and so I won't bore you with details of what I liked; I'm sure it would mean very little to you. But I will offer you some constructive criticism, and first and foremost, my issue is with your pacing. Now, I'm all for a gentle read with damn good prose, but I worry about that mass market audience out there who like fast moving and punchy storylines. I think your manuscript needs quickening up to make it attractive to the mass market and still wowing those who like their prose. By the same theme, I feel your sentences need breaking up, as do your paragraphs. This is something I'm guilty of too... but your first line should really wow people... yours is just a little too long for comfort.

But all in all, this is a very good read, and I'm very glad to have taken a look at it. All the best. L.x

I can sense your professional background in your flawless writing. You have captured the essence of the genre perfectly. Your talent will take you places to be sure. More than glad to back your book. It's simply superb!

Great. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I'll be editing a good deal of the stories over the next few weeks, so hopefully will tighten everything up some.

Appreciate it.

Cully

A wonderfully evocative opening to what promises to be a remarkable book.

You are obviously a very visual writer, with an eye for a telling detail. But perhaps you could pull in some of the other senses a little more often. In the hunt, for example, you say it has been snowing, yet you barely mention the cold, other than to describe the visual effects.

At the end of Chapter 1 I was not really sure what happened. You might want to spell it out a little more. And also break up some of those longer paragraphs for the lazier readers among us.

Having said all that - please don't dumb it down too much! The quality of your writing is unquestionable. Backed with no reservations.
JMD
The Alchemist's Heir