BUMP

This is a good story concept that covers teen pregnancy and the complications and turmoils which accompany it. It's a stellar read with great pace and tone; readers of all ages will open their eyes reading this fine discovery. Shelved.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

You pull us into your story at a tense moment - I was ready to get some background - I too wanted to know how she got there. Then pulling us back, you bring us to a party and eventually to Jake. It a fun to read - love the pace and the tone you set - very high school. Well written, you have me hooked. Best of luck, KJ

HI Anna,

Found this while I browsing. ;o)

Great first chapter, dramatic and exciting wth such attention to detail - blood on her white sketchers, easily imaginable.

I like Bree, she's a great character and Clair's wackyness make a nice receipe for friendship. The bit were Jake and Bree first meet is lovely, quite sweet. Jake is obviously HOT, but he's thougtful too. You made me smile when he asks her for a date, you build up the innocence of a teenage romance really well.

Bree & Jakes's kiss, you made me go "aaah" ;o)

I'm glad you commented in the pitch that Jake stands by Bree...I would be really disappointed if he didn't. So far he's coming across as a guy who genuinally cares, not just a guy looking for another notch on the bedpost.

Both characters come across in a likeable way, so when the emotional rollercoaster continues it will feel natural to sympathise with their situation.

Your book reminded me of Judy Blume's FOREVER... we used to have one dog earred copy that went round the class in third year (age 13) and we all loved it. I hope your book get the chance to be the book that everyone can't wait to get their hands on.

So on my shelf!! ;o)

Love Bev,

Love Overboard & Thicker Than Water

I read all four chapters posted without skimming over a word. You've captured Bree's voice perfectly and have made her an engaging, amusing and likeable main character. The first chapter is outstanding - it makes me desperately want to read on. Clair and Bree are very believable, their dialogue is natural and their friendship completely believeable. The romance is exciting and touchingly sweet, particularly as it's such a contrast to the shocking and brutal opening of the book. This will go all the way up the ratings and it deserves to!

The only thing I questioned as I was reading it was 'The Devil Wears Prada' reference - isn't Miranda Priestley the editor of the magazine rather than a designer? That's a really minor point but I thought I'd mention it anyway! The other thing I wasn't as keen on is the pitch - mostly it's excellent, but I felt it gave a bit too much away about the outcome of the novel. I want to read on wondering what goes wrong with Bree's labour and why, plus I would be rooting for it to turn out OK for her - I don't want to know from the start what happens to her and the baby. Don't deny your reader the suspense!

Those two criticisms are really tiny niggles - I really love this book so far and I'm not trying to gush insincerely about this, I do mean what I'm saying. I read a lot of chick lit and if I'd picked this up in a bookshop and read the first couple of pages, I'd buy it without question.

Without access to contraception, Bree certainly pays a high price for her first, predictable, passionate relationship. This story is skillfully crafted. Backed. Jacqui Christensen (William's Revenge)

Hi Anna,
Bump is a great title and Bree is such a great character.

Sensitively written in a good, flowing style, I backed it with pleasure,

Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

This is an excellent book in its genre, YA. For a start, it's really well written; the dialogue and language have the genuine feel; the characters (partly because of that) come across as real teenage girls; the pace is fast moving. Bree's dilemmas are those of every girl of her age - how to earn enough money to get through collage without missing out on the fun her better-off friends are having, how to be part of the 'in' crowd, what to do when a really hot guy shows interest. So easy to relate to. But the depth of the book emerges right at the start, with Bree giving birth, and possibly about to lose the baby. A book to recommend. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Anna, riveting first chapter. Your setting and characterizations of Bree in distress are perfect. Several things you're to be commended on are, pace, build and dialog. What I would suggest, to really make the opening pop, ('scuse that :0) is to trim some of the metaphors. Within the first few paragraphs we have broken glass and then you're mentioning aliens. The reader knows what your getting at by your masterful scene-setting. The alien analogy might be a bit much. Let the characters do the singing. Shelved. JupiterGirl.

Wonderfully written and a harsh reminder to us all that pregnancy isn't all fun, fashion and games. I like that you haven't made this a silly shallow book, but have maintained serious undertones that should carry an important message to your readers.

Andrew

Oh poor girl. This is all going to end up with someone getting hurt as you prove in your opener. I was a little lost on some of the Americanisms - what is a 'letterman's jacket' please? I groped my way through the rest, trying to learn. But that didn't detract from my enjoyment at all. A classic tale of teenage pregnancy, girl from repressed background heading for a fall. Parents heading for a shock.
Well written. Backed.
Flicka

For Bump--

This is really wonderful. I love Bree. Her voice is fantastic and so believable. I've read two chapters, and I'd love to read more right now, only I have to give up the computer in a few minutes. Ordinarily, I wouldn't like a book about teens, being well past that age myself, but yours really hits the right note. Bree isn't a party girl and but she's not a goody two shoes either. In other words, she's like 90% of the girls in highschool.

I'm shelving for now, and I do hope to get back for more.

a parents’ dread – daughter pregnant at 15


first person voice makes for a strong and dramatic opening scene with bree in complications of labour – short and punchy, a great prologue, draws us in . .


you capture the essence of teenage girls well – the self-obsession, the noise & energy, the outward shows of confidence behind which they hide, and the supportive/competitive relationships between friends .


this is written in a well-paced and strong style which should appeal to your (primarily female? although a lot of men read across genres . . .) readership who are bound to recognise themselves and their friends amongst these characters .

from the pitch this seems an unusual mix of cautionary tale and love story, the effect of which on your intended audience could prove duplicitous though there is not enough posted here to fully explore this thought

i get a pretty good idea of the issues you may be aiming for here, they are an engaging few chapters and i am happy to give this a spin on my rotating shelf

go well with your writing

freddie
("honour")

I always enjoy a story that tackles a heavy issue, and teen pregnancy is top of the taboo chart. Well it was around my house until my sister came home preggers at 16, but that was after she had run away from home and joined the circus. Ha. NO joke.
Anyways, I like the action filled beginning. The what, when, why is all in my head.
I think you are adept at writing. Your narrative voice is strong and clear.
One thing I would suggest watching is the speech tags you use. You like to toss them up, whispered, commanded, demanded, bubbled, chided, screamed, cried. When a lot of the times SAID would work perfectly fine. If your dialogue is right, you don't need clarification. This is something I suffer from doing and have adjusted my novel back to SAID and in a lot of time, no tag is necessary.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Thanks!

My students would definitely read this until the covers fell off.

Neliza Drew
Burning for Burning

Neliza,
I wrote this so that hopefully my girls would read this and take it to heart. I see too many pregnant teens in my field of work :(
Thanks for the read!

Anna Carroll (BUMP)

My students would definitely read this until the covers fell off.

Neliza Drew
Burning for Burning

I always enjoy a story that tackles a heavy issue, and teen pregnancy is top of the taboo chart. Well it was around my house until my sister came home preggers at 16, but that was after she had run away from home and joined the circus. Ha. NO joke.
Anyways, I like the action filled beginning. The what, when, why is all in my head.
I think you are adept at writing. Your narrative voice is strong and clear.
One thing I would suggest watching is the speech tags you use. You like to toss them up, whispered, commanded, demanded, bubbled, chided, screamed, cried. When a lot of the times SAID would work perfectly fine. If your dialogue is right, you don't need clarification. This is something I suffer from doing and have adjusted my novel back to SAID and in a lot of time, no tag is necessary.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is a good story concept that covers teen pregnancy and the complications and turmoils which accompany it. It's a stellar read with great pace and tone; readers of all ages will open their eyes reading this fine discovery. Shelved.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

You pull us into your story at a tense moment - I was ready to get some background - I too wanted to know how she got there. Then pulling us back, you bring us to a party and eventually to Jake. It a fun to read - love the pace and the tone you set - very high school. Well written, you have me hooked. Best of luck, KJ

I would love to say that you are wrong to have girl pregnant at fifteen, but sadly this is the world we live in now. Having been at the birth of all my children and watching my wife suffer, I can only have admiration for what you brave women go through. Your first chapter is a perfect example of how hard it is. You have captured the moment it is well written and very believable.
Some mentioned to me that when we have number in speech it is better in full ‘35’, ‘a 6 foot’.
‘Chuck works’ - ‘Dad works’ and ‘Shirley keep us fed’ ‘Mom keeps us fed…’ we already know their names Bree wouldn’t think of them like that.
You mention ‘million dollar homes… tennis court…swimming pool’ and then ’back the Volvo out of the driveway’. I rather expected bigger drives for such houses, but maybe a million dollars doesn’t get so much theses days.

Apart from the minor nitpicks above, this is a well written story and it flows a good pace as it introduces us to the main characters. I am happy to back this.

Tony

I loved the summary of your book. It is very touching to imagine Bree getting into this mess at such a young age. The first few paragraphs of blood and losing the heartbeat give me a very different, jarring feel.

Good luck, Patricia

Hi Anna.

I really loved this. From the totally realistic-sounding and heart-stopping scene in the hospital, to Bree's embarrassment at unintentionally admitting her inexperience, you had me enthralled. The dialogue is wonderful, so completely natural.
Poor Bree's obviously in for a very rough ride and I hope her 'best friend' Clair is going to stand by her! I have a feeling she's going to need all the help she can get.
Great stuff!

I saw a couple of nits:
"What's wrong, Bree?" She asked...she should be lower case 's'.
She's abrupting...aborting? Or is 'abrupting' a nursing term?
ch 2
my parents' thumb...thumbs.
"By, girls..should be Bye.
tapping the breaks...should be 'brakes'.
keep you grooming comments...should be 'your'.

Definitely one to read more of. Happy to shelve.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Anna,
This is great writing! You have a lot of talent. The flash-forward opening is a gripper, had me cringing on the edge of my chair. Then the story comes off nice and breezy. You have a wonderful, young writer's voice. I could have used you as a consultant when I was writing about my teenage heroine and her friends. You know how to tell a story in dialogue and it all sounds so natural. It is also very well edited. I have an editor's eye and I can usually find something to suggest but not here. Excellent writing and fund read. Good luck with it. Oh yeah, watch out for those kick-school-to-the-curb parties. Nice touch.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Hi Anna, I liked the opening after reading the synopsis because of the contrast with high school life. And when you took a paragraph to describe your characters, the writing was zesty and original. One suggestion in the sentence “save the boy’s restroom” – if you put that after the gaggle girls, the sense would fall more smoothly. Otherwise, there’s a lot of bright writing here that shows how Bree is unprepared. Her girlfriend relationship is humorous and portends. I think young adults would like be absorbed too. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Anna
This is very impressive! I dont think I am alone in saying it os not my normal kind of read, but have been captivated by it! It feels fresh and real and you convey drama and emotion expertly! I look forward to reading more but will give this a spin on the shelf righ away! Good on you!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Not the kind of book I would normally read, but to be fair on this site one should read all kinds. And in this case, glad I did. Although not an unusual story line it is really well written. Characters well rounded, In short I did enjoy reading these four chapters, and wished there had been more. Well pleased to put this on my shelf.

I've read all four chapters and feel this really has the makings of a good story. I get the gist of most of that from your pitch but will obviously have to wait for you to upload more of the story to read about it. I really like Bree and feel for her as a teenager in love for the first time. One slight crit in the opening chapter you say the nurse says "Oh my God she's bleeding" when she starts to bleed and is "temporarily paralysed by the sight of blood..." I think most nurses are trained to be cool and calm in situations like that and found it a little unrealistic. That apart, I enjoyed what I have read.
Lynne,
Brooklyn Bridge.

HI Anna,

Found this while I browsing. ;o)

Great first chapter, dramatic and exciting wth such attention to detail - blood on her white sketchers, easily imaginable.

I like Bree, she's a great character and Clair's wackyness make a nice receipe for friendship. The bit were Jake and Bree first meet is lovely, quite sweet. Jake is obviously HOT, but he's thougtful too. You made me smile when he asks her for a date, you build up the innocence of a teenage romance really well.

Bree & Jakes's kiss, you made me go "aaah" ;o)

I'm glad you commented in the pitch that Jake stands by Bree...I would be really disappointed if he didn't. So far he's coming across as a guy who genuinally cares, not just a guy looking for another notch on the bedpost.

Both characters come across in a likeable way, so when the emotional rollercoaster continues it will feel natural to sympathise with their situation.

Your book reminded me of Judy Blume's FOREVER... we used to have one dog earred copy that went round the class in third year (age 13) and we all loved it. I hope your book get the chance to be the book that everyone can't wait to get their hands on.

So on my shelf!! ;o)

Love Bev,

Love Overboard & Thicker Than Water

Anna

Great opening......Full of action, I felt compelled to read it extra quickly, dont know why?

Have no idea how old a sophomore is? Doubt anyone else in the UK will either, if that matters.......

I think your pitch gives too much away. As dramatic as your first chapter was, I knew the baby was going to survive....I think I'd rather not have known.....The pitch was a bit of a spoiler to a well crafted beginning...
My view only......

Very best of luck with this.....Would like your take on mine.....Backed

From the description in the first chapter, I half expected you to launch into the same format as 'The jilting of Granny Witherall.'I'm glad you didn't. Excellent writing.Shelved.

Hi,
Wow, I'm so glad you read mine otherwise I prob. would have missed yours. I really liked this. As a former teenage mother this really struck a chord. However, I think that your long pitch is giving away too much. Maybe cut it off after "worth the risk." And rephrase it to say. After all he loves her and isn't true love worth the risk?" I don't know just a thought. Otherwise, great job. Backed with pleasure.

I read all four chapters posted without skimming over a word. You've captured Bree's voice perfectly and have made her an engaging, amusing and likeable main character. The first chapter is outstanding - it makes me desperately want to read on. Clair and Bree are very believable, their dialogue is natural and their friendship completely believeable. The romance is exciting and touchingly sweet, particularly as it's such a contrast to the shocking and brutal opening of the book. This will go all the way up the ratings and it deserves to!
The only thing I questioned as I was reading it was 'The Devil Wears Prada' reference - isn't Miranda Priestley the editor of the magazine rather than a designer? That's a really minor point but I thought I'd mention it anyway! The other thing I wasn't as keen on is the pitch - mostly it's excellent, but I felt it gave a bit too much away about the outcome of the novel. I want to read on wondering what goes wrong with Bree's labour and why, plus I would be rooting for it to turn out OK for her - I don't want to know from the start what happens to her and the baby. Don't deny your reader the suspense!

Those two criticisms are really tiny niggles - I really love this book so far and I'm not trying to gush insincerely about this, I do mean what I'm saying. I read a lot of chick lit and if I'd picked this up in a bookshop and read the first couple of pages, I'd buy it without question.

You are very kind. I was trying, with the Miranda Priestly ref., to avoid an actual designer. Not sure that really hits the mark. Maybe a little word tweaking would help. I see your point about the pitch also. I was using my "pitch to the agent/editor" instead of my "back cover pitch" which would probably work better here. Thanks for the suggestion.

I read all four chapters posted without skimming over a word. You've captured Bree's voice perfectly and have made her an engaging, amusing and likeable main character. The first chapter is outstanding - it makes me desperately want to read on. Clair and Bree are very believable, their dialogue is natural and their friendship completely believeable. The romance is exciting and touchingly sweet, particularly as it's such a contrast to the shocking and brutal opening of the book. This will go all the way up the ratings and it deserves to!

The only thing I questioned as I was reading it was 'The Devil Wears Prada' reference - isn't Miranda Priestley the editor of the magazine rather than a designer? That's a really minor point but I thought I'd mention it anyway! The other thing I wasn't as keen on is the pitch - mostly it's excellent, but I felt it gave a bit too much away about the outcome of the novel. I want to read on wondering what goes wrong with Bree's labour and why, plus I would be rooting for it to turn out OK for her - I don't want to know from the start what happens to her and the baby. Don't deny your reader the suspense!

Those two criticisms are really tiny niggles - I really love this book so far and I'm not trying to gush insincerely about this, I do mean what I'm saying. I read a lot of chick lit and if I'd picked this up in a bookshop and read the first couple of pages, I'd buy it without question.

very well written and a good subject, am happy to shelve your book

Thank you!

Without access to contraception, Bree certainly pays a high price for her first, predictable, passionate relationship. This story is skillfully crafted. Backed. Jacqui Christensen (William's Revenge)

You have captured the teen girl's psyche in your characters. The girls are well-created. Great job. Shelved.

Thanks, and good to see that JT is climbing the ranks too!

You have captured the teen girl's psyche in your characters. The girls are well-created. Great job. Shelved.

My novel is complete, but I have only uploaded part of it.