Book Jacket

 

rank 5468
word count 39897
date submitted 01.09.2009
date updated 30.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Popular Culture,...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Diamonds and real gems

Dago Siko

Fate finally smiled on Africa and assembled seven great minds under a vision that would revolutionise the world. Then they found the bag of diamonds.

 

This is NOT a story about poverty.

This is a story about genius and opportunity, and a radical new vision that just might be the solution to world poverty.

An unapologetic portrait of contemporary Sub-Saharan Africa, sometimes stark and grim, sometimes idyllic, sometimes old and irredeemably corrupt, sometimes young and idealistic. But always suffused with that electric vibrancy that has become an African trademark.

Alang is poor and struggling to fit into university life. But he is gifted with a strange power to influence people.

Eddy is rich and tops the University's social ladder. But his intelligence keeps steering him towards deeper and more fulfilling pursuits.

Adeline and Cecile are intelligent and exceptionally pretty. But where one is open, impulsive and vivacious, the other is delicate, refined and disarmingly down-to-earth. And there's Eddy thinking he can just date them both, without consequences.

Ike is angry and frustrated. His single-mother cannot afford to send him to university and his 16year old girlfriend is pregnant. Then one night three men hire his taxi. By the next morning, he is sitting alone in the taxi with half a million in dollar bills and diamonds. And a dead man.

 
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tags

, adventure, africa, class, colonisation, controversial, exciting, geo-politics, laugh-out-loud funny, poverty, revolutionary, romance, wealth

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Limbe, Cameroon

 

Alang put his foot down with the full weight of the bucket of water he was carrying. He was deep in thought, which always happened when he was alone. This time he was thinking about food, partly because he was writing an essay on food politics, but mostly because he was hungry. So it took him completely by surprise when something soft shuddered violently underneath his foot and at the same time, the silence of the bathroom was shattered by a piercing shriek.

He jumped off in horror, managing to spill half the contents of the bucket as he stared down in amazement at the rat that lay squirming on the gravel in the middle of the bathroom.

The bathroom and toilet structure stood less than three metres from the back wall of the main house. It was built out of used corrugated roofing sheets supported by beams of rotting timber. Two sheets separated the latrine from the bathroom section, but the cement had ran out after the latrine floor was completed, so that the bathroom only boasted a stone and gravel floor, the corners of which had turned green with moss and algae. There were shallow puddles dotted all around the bathroom edges, literally heaving with microscopic life.

Standing less than two metres from this structure, on the other side of a heap of rubbish was their neighbour’s toilet, and adjacent to that was yet another toilet. Alang had long since come to the conclusion that if for any reason, someone was made to stand for a few minutes between these three corrugated metal structures, on a hot day, they would have gotten a pretty good idea of what hell would smell like.

A rat in the bathroom was not really a strange occurrence to Alang. He had seen all kinds of rats before, in his twenty-two years of existence. One time, he had seen a rat which was paralysed down the entire right side of its body, so that it moved by dragging its body in a sideways motion. And another time, he had chased a one-eyed rat up the little stream and watched in amazement as it swam the entire length of the house completely submerged under water like a fish, until it came close to a hole by the banks into which it had disappeared.

But this rat was the biggest he had ever seen. It was enormous. Obviously it was dying. It lay on its back with its feet kicking up in the air, struggling for each breath.

“God!” Alang shuddered as he remembered how it had felt when the rat had struggled underneath his foot. He did not like rats. Of all the creatures in the world, his three most-hated were flies, mosquitoes and rats. Yet even in this select group, the rat still topped the list. And now he had a dying rat lying in the middle of his bathroom floor.

He went outside and looked around in the yard for a long stick with which to flick the rat outside. Not finding one, he went into the house, then into the small room where all the junk stuff was kept and there he found what he was looking for; the old rake with the broken handle.

Carrying it back to the bathroom, he paused once more to stare in horror at the dying rat. Somehow it had managed to flip itself over so that now it lay upright. It was so old it actually had wrinkles. There were huge patches where the hair had fallen off from its back. Even as he watched, the rat tried to crawl forward, stumbled and flipped onto its back again, breathing even harder.

Every minute or so, it would emit a long squeaky coughing sound that raised the hairs on the back of Alang’s neck. For a second, Alang considered hitting it on the head to put it out of its misery. But so strong was his disgust for rats that he could not bring himself to kill it. Underneath the disgust though, Alang acknowledged that he was more than a little bit scared of them too.

What frightened him the most about rats was the constant look of desperation in their eyes. He could not understand how they could go through life with that much anxiety bottled up in their tiny bodies. He decided to let the rat die of a heart attack, or old age, or whatever it was dying of.

Positioning the prongs of the rake behind the rat’s body, he quickly flicked it towards the door, which he kept open with one hand. The rat sailed through the air, missed the gap created by the open door, hit the side of the door and with new found strength, quickly crawled to the corner where it curled up against the wall which separated the bathroom and the latrine. All this time it kept up a continuous heartrending squeak.

Alang considered it with a mixture of pity, disgust and anger. Because the bathroom floor was made of stone and gravel, it was difficult to use the prong end of the rake now that the rat had taken up position at the vee of the wall. Turning the rake over, and trying as much as possible to avoid holding it by the prongs, he now used the pointed end to half drag, half beat the rat back to the centre of the bathroom, matching the rat’s shrieks with loud howls of his own.

He quickly flipped the rake over once more and scooping the rat up with the prongs, flung it out of the bathroom. For a few minutes, he stood there breathing hard. He could still hear the rat shrieking outside. After a while he threw the rake outside as well. Leaning over, he dragged the door shut, and kept it in place by hooking the string tied to it to a nail on the doorpost. There was now only a small crack through which he could see across the little stream to his friend Stephen’s house. He hung his towel over the crack and semi-darkness descended.

Of course some light still came in through the holes on the corrugated metal sheet walls. The smell from the adjoining toilet was over-powering. He breathed in little puffs. Taking off his shorts, he proceeded to wash his body as quickly as possible, now with only half the original amount of water.

As he dressed up after his wash, his mind wandered back to the subject of food. He had hardly eaten anything all day. As so often happened in the Mofor household, there was nothing to eat that day. His Dad had gone out in the morning to see if he could borrow money from a friend, and as the day had worn off, one by one, everyone else had left the house to fend for themselves. First his elder brother Jacob, then his two younger sisters Irene and Grace. Experience had taught them that there was no telling when their father would come back. At least to his credit, they could say that he always came back with something, however small.

All his life Mr. Mofor had slaved for his children. He only had a primary school education but he had vowed that all his children would go through university, no matter what it cost him. And it had cost him. Not that he would’ve ever been rich, Alang thought. He was far too trusting and honest for that.

Well, as far as getting his children through University was concerned, he was almost there. Jacob had just completed university the year before, with a degree in Physics, and Alang was doing his final year. Irene would be going to the university the following year and Grace was in form five. 

It was 3.30pm now and Alang was also preparing to go out. He had to meet his friend Mr. Senjo, the delegate for labour and social insurance. They had first met at a conference organised by the UNESCO club in Alang’s secondary school. From then on they had become good friends, sharing the same burning interest for social change. He also had quite a library, which was one of the reasons Alang had maintained the friendship. Before becoming delegate of labour, he had been a history teacher in a local secondary school.

Alang had told him he was preparing for a debate his university UNESCO club was organising on the occasion of the visit of the Prime minister.

As Alang stood combing his hair in front of a cracked piece of glass that had once been part of a mirror, his mind was already making the transformation from the world of poverty his family lived in, to the relatively well-off and intellectually superior one that Mr. Senjo lived in.

Alang lived in three worlds. There was the world of his family and the poverty and misery they lived through every day, then the world of his friends and the big-talks, ideas and plans, and finally there was the world that existed only in his mind. And in this world, he was a prince.

Often he would sit with his friends discussing some complex idea, while hunger raged in his stomach and all the time his mind would be thinking, “I should not be here, I am better than this.”

Maybe it was this that intrigued and endeared him to almost everyone who met him. The arrogance he had to hide because of the poverty, and the intelligence which made him do it so well. In a group of people, he hardly ever spoke unless directly spoken to. But there was always an intensity about him, a fire behind his eyes that people invariably noticed, and somehow dragged him into the conversation until he was at the centre of it.

 

 

 

***

 

Thirty minutes later, the taxi dropped him off at the Cite-Nanga junction. He fished in his pocket and gave the driver a hundred franc coin. This brought his net cash balance to zero. He would just have to walk back home. Still, as he’d only had the fare for one way, it was better this way, rather than having to arrive all sweaty from walking and taking a taxi home later. At the gates into Mr. Senjo’s house, he rang the bell and peered through the gates as one of the kids ran out to open it.

“Who is it?” asked the cheeky little seven-year-old. She already had the side gate half opened.

“Me,” Alang answered smiling down at her. “Is your Dad home?”

“Yes.” She said, skipping towards the house.

Standing at the door, Mrs Senjo was smiling at Alang as he walked towards the house. Unlike her husband, she was still a secondary school teacher. Of all the married couples Alang knew, he had not met another pair who seemed to genuinely like each other as much as the Senjos. Maybe there was something in the theory about marrying a friend after all.

“Your man is still asleep. He went out this morning to a meeting in Buea.” She felt warm and smelt fresh as she half hugged Alang welcome.

“Come and sit down, would you like a drink? I will tell Boboh you are here.” ‘Boboh’ was the nickname they had for each other. She didn’t even pause to let him say yes or no to the drink offer, but was off to the kitchen to get it.

Four children sat in the living room area watching TV, none of them lifted their head up even out of curiosity. Alang hovered behind one of the chairs waiting for Mrs. Senjo to reappear.

As he stood tapping his fingertips together, his thoughts went back to the subject of the debate. “50 years on, should Africa be re-colonised.” It was considered slightly risky for the occasion.

At first the Rector had flatly refused to even consider the topic and had demanded that it be changed. But the UNESCO club had stood firm, changing the wording only slightly, from the original, “50 years after independence, should Africa be re-colonised”. The rector’s hand was finally forced when a local newspaper had published the story along with the title of the debate.

 She had been furious, threatening to cancel the debate all together. But when a response came from the Prime Minister’s press secretary by way of the official government-owned newspaper, saying that the Prime minister was looking forward to the debate and hoped to learn something from it, the rector had had no choice but to accept it.

Even so, she had had a little ‘talk’ with the members of the UNESCO club and had left them in no doubt about what would happen if they made any personal attacks in their debate. She owed her appointment as Rector directly to the Prime minister and could not afford to have her students make him look bad.

“You should understand that the aim of the debate should not be to criticise individuals, but to discuss the issues in general terms,” Alang remembered her saying. Just what ‘general terms’ meant, she had not explained.

But Alang was not worried about that. This was not why he was preparing so carefully for this debate. Normally, he hardly ever prepared for a debate. He would look up a few dates, confirm a few names or check out some relevant quotes. But on the whole, he just let the thing flow. His mind had a way of organising thoughts which he had grown to trust. It was a gift he had. As soon as he started speaking on any subject, thoughts would simply fall into place. Things he had read long ago and forgotten would pop into his mind, striking examples, interesting parallels or stinging ironies, depending on his mood.  

Yes, he was a natural, he thought to himself. A warrior! And that was what this was all about. It was about war. The University UNESCO club was split down the middle. Of the seven senior members, two were with him and two with Eddy. Simon refused to support either side. He seemed to want to create a following himself.

At the thought of Eddy, Alang’s upper lip coiled and his brow furrowed, so that he looked at the same time challenging and defensive. Eddy was the complete opposite of Alang in almost every way and in Alang’s opinion, a real ass. His parents were wealthy... so wealthy, he had owned a car even back in secondary school. Now in the university, he was on his third car, a black Nissan Cressida, complete with air conditioning.

But one thing Alang could not begrudge him was the fact that he was intelligent. Plus, he could make a good speech. His charisma was born out of a strong self-confidence and a bubbling forceful personality which few could resist. Eddy always moved in a crowd of friends, admirers and hangers on.

While Alang had helped create the University UNESCO club, Eddy had only been a member for the last six months. It was really by accident that he had joined the club, dragged to watch by his girlfriend Cecile. Back then he was still trying to get her to like him. Cecile, unlike most girls did not immediately fall down and worship him, which presented quite a challenge to Eddy. And if there was one thing Eddy could not resist, it was a challenge.

“Alang, please sit down.” Mrs Senjo reappeared with a plate of biscuits and a tall glass of some kind of fruit juice. Homemade juices were her speciality. “So, how are you? How is school?”

“I’m fine, school is tough though, I’m thinking of quitting and becoming a taxi driver,” he joked.

“Well if you decide to go ahead with it, I will tell my brother to give you one of his taxis to drive.” She was laughing too.

As they bantered idly, half of Alang’s mind began to relax, taking in the clean comfortable surroundings. He made himself wait five minutes before taking his first sip of the juice, which he genuinely praised. Mrs. Senjo beamed with pleasure. She liked Alang. He was intelligent, but with the right amount of self-consciousness to make him appear more than slightly vulnerable. He reminded her a lot of her husband, when he was this young; all thin and wiry.

Finally Mr. Senjo appeared at the far door. He was quite an impressive man, six feet two and full bodied, with just the slightest hint of a gut. Though his hair was beginning to recede at the front, he kept the rest of it very short. On the whole, he looked the successful and happily married man he was.

“Alang” his voice boomed across the room, making the children look up, even if only for a second.

“How are you doing?” he said as he crossed the living room. Alang got up to shake his hand.

“I’m fine, I’m fine ... She told me that you were out all morning.” Even in T-shirt and jogging bottoms he still looked distinguished, Alang thought.

“Yes, we had a committee meeting in Buea.”

“On a Sunday?”

“Yes, I’m telling you that the way the Prime Minister’s visit has turned everybody into a party enthusiast you wouldn’t believe. If you don’t attend these meetings, then it would appear as if you are not committed enough. Personally I find them very boring. A bunch of old men arguing over who should sit on the left or right of the Prime Minister and that kind of rubbish, but then …” he left the sentence unfinished. “So what have you young upstarts been up to?” he added, after sitting down.

“Preparing for the Prime Minister’s visit,” Alang laughed.

“God help us,” Mr. Senjo sighed.

“We have this debate that we are planning to …”

“Yes, I read about it in the newspaper, you people are becoming quite famous now eh!”

Alang couldn’t help laughing again. “That is nothing. Wait until after the debate, then you would need to book an audience to see me.” Mr. And Mrs. Senjo both laughed. “Anyway it is because of this that I wanted to pick your brains,” and use your library he thought.

“Children ... go and do something outside; I can’t even hear myself think.” The children had started an argument over something on TV. A protest of grumbles began.

“Hey! It is either that or you would have to go and do your homework or study something.” That got them out fast.

Boboh, don’t threaten the children with school work, it gives them the impression that it is a bad thing.”

Mr. Senjo grunted, “It worked didn’t it?” then shifting in his seat to give his full attention to Alang, “So, what is the subject of the debate again?”

“50 years on – should Africa be recolonised?” Alang paused to let it sink then added, “and I am arguing against.”

He watched Mr. Senjo’s eyes quicken as he considered the subject. He recognised the spirit of a fellow warrior.

“So what have you got? Where do you plan to begin?” Mr. Senjo asked.

“I haven’t done much yet, all I have now is a strategy, and other little bits and pieces.”

Mr. Senjo looked thoughtful for a moment, then standing up purposefully, he said, “Wait here,” and strode over to the long bookshelf that stood against the far wall.

It was already dark outside when Alang finally left the Senjos. He had three huge volumes in a plastic bag under his arm, which he had borrowed from Mr. Senjo library. As Mr. Senjo walked Alang to the road junction he was still in full flow on the merits and demerits of dictatorship in Africa. Alang was only half listening.

Already he was thinking about what he had to do when he got home. He was hoping that his father would be home by the time he got there. His stomach growled with hunger. It was almost seven-thirty pm and Mrs Senjo’s fruit juice and biscuit snacks were about all he’d had all day. To his surprise, Mr. Senjo pressed a thousand francs note into his hand as he said goodbye.

“For your taxi fare,” he said, brushing away Alang’s thanks. “I am not completely sure about the program, but maybe I will be able to attend your debate this time.”

“I hope you can. Thank you again,” Alang said, gesturing with the thousand francs note in his hand.

It is amazing how two people can see the same thing from different positions. To Mr. Senjo the money he had given Alang was merely a token. He wished he could do more, but he was a man of many responsibilities and could only afford so much. Still to him a thousand francs was nothing. To Alang on that particular day and time, it was better than gold. It solved so many of his problems that he felt a surge of love for this man who treated him with so much dignity and respect, yet understood him well enough to know that he would need the thousand francs.

 

 

 

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Carrots wrote 940 days ago

This book is a total delight and for me a real find on Authonomy. The author has a highly distinctive voice, with a fine sense of humour, great descriptive powers, but ,above all, a deep feel for the human condition. I'm so pleased somebody is introducing this part of Africa onto the contemporary literary scene. It's long overdue.
Backed.

Jared wrote 956 days ago

Dago,

This is definitely a different book than anything I've seen on the site - your unusual premise and excellent pitch are a refreshing change of pace. A heavy subject, but one very worthy of exploring. It's a glimpse into a world that many of us don't get a chance to see.

You've got a superb way of describing this poor African setting in vivid detail, allowing the reader to see, smell and experience everything through the eyes of your characters. Alang, Eddy and Ike are all very well drawn out and compelling main characters, and your storyline flows at a nice pace. I felt after reading four chapters that your plot was well established and definitely moving in the right direction - not too fast, not too slow.

You've got a knack for portraying the basics of humanity in its simplest form through this story. Your voice and style are confident and delivered perfectly for this type of book. I didn't find any critiques to offer other than what has already been mentioned. This is very good, and I'm glad to back it.

Jared (Mummy's Boy)

mikegilli wrote 990 days ago

Sitting on the shelf.
Ha, I´m just laughing at Simon´s battle with the fly..
maths, heat, religion and sex..Ch 6 is brilliant.
But so is Alang and the rat and Samson and Ike`s
terrifying dream.
This technique works..starting with action then pausing to
introduce the fascinating characters and cultural settings.
My only query is if 7 is too many for the reader to get his/her
head around.
Little style things..repeat words occasionally, eg Ch 1 repeat
bathroom 3 times close together. Could vary.
Some mega huge paragraphs you could put in bite sized chunks, eg
Ike's dream.
Only got to Ch 6. Catch you later......Lotsaluck.......Mikey (The Free)

tojo wrote 982 days ago

This is a very unusual book, authentic and yet entertaining. And eye opener from this part of the world. an easy pace which reads well. I am not good at nit picking. I like a book or I do not. this is on my shelf with good reason.

RichardBard wrote 283 days ago

Hi Dago!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

name falied moderation wrote 655 days ago

Dear Dago
what a wonderful book this is. firstly the book cover is so attention grabbing and the long pitch just reeled me in like a good pitch should, it sells your book for sure. You have given me a window in which to peer through that shows me this wonderful country and some of the culture. of course you have also written a fabulous thriller, so well crafted, i have not read it all yet, but I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 747 days ago

This is thoroughly absorbing, you could write on any subject and gain my attention immediately. A continent the size of Africa doesn't produce anywhere near the amount of writing relevant to its size and you seem to be the writer to correct that. The characters are real and the authenticity drips off the pages. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

carlashmore wrote 749 days ago

This is a refreshing change to many of the books I have read about Africa of late. Your pitch is fascinating and I loved your prose. Simple, accessible, yet there is hardly a word out of place and a page-turning pace to it. I am delighted to back this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Andrew Burans wrote 750 days ago

Your use of imagery and discriptive prose takes the reader right into the scenes that you are painting. A finely constructed and well written story, authenticity rings throughout your story, with just the appropriate amount of humour sprinkled in. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: THe Beginning

A Knight wrote 750 days ago

This is wonderfully strong writing, and you can feel the joy and despair so clearly. You have done a fantastic job of bringing us into this world which so many have heard of but never truly experienced.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

gerry01 wrote 758 days ago

A well written and informative book. Best fo luck with it. Gerry

Andy M. Potter wrote 774 days ago

hi Dago, nice writing! excellent scene setting. hooked me immediately. loved the insights into A's character as he watched the rat & thought of his debate. scene by scene, you drew me into your story.
on my shelf.
best wishes, andy

mariecapri wrote 776 days ago

I hope your book is read and your voice heard. Kind regards, mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

missyfleming_22 wrote 795 days ago

This is just beautifully written. Your sense of description is so vivid, I felt like I was right there with Alang. I love your narrative voice, it flows so naturally and I found it easy to read. Your book truly took me away to someplace new and if I had the time, I would be reading this all night. Great, great book.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Burgio wrote 795 days ago

I like stories that transport me away from my everyday world to one in a different time and place. And this story does that well. I’m suddenly in Africa in a very mean place and surrounded by some very mean men. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

udasmaan wrote 800 days ago

A very good start. you are able to explain the sheer force of poverty in a powerful way, really powerful. I enjoyed it. the rat thing, the hunger, the bathroom, the father in the family, the education, and the poverty, they all support your story. it is good and fun to read. backed

shah - the interpreter

Barry Wenlock wrote 806 days ago

Hi Dago -- I can't add to the comments but I really enjoyed this. An excellent read. Best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Nick Poole2 wrote 818 days ago

Well this is a glimpse of Africa that we don't often see. Not Wilbur Smith certainly.

But we do start with Alang and a rat. Then off to see Boboh and wife.

And we have Eddy, his rival. The debate. Should Africa be re-colonised (ha! That should go down well).

Thousand francs. That's supper sorted! I'll read on...

This really comes alive with Ike in Chapter 4. Not to say it wasn't lively before. But we are really into the story here.

As I said, we tend to only see tiny glimpses of Africa. The World Cup will show us a bit of South Africa. But we forget how huge and varied a continent it is, thronging with millions of Alangs, Eddys, Ikes , Adelines and Ceciles.

More than happy to shelve this.

Nick
"Mirror In The Sky" (featuring an Africa that never existed at all!)

lionel25 wrote 823 days ago

Dago, I like the setting in this first chapter. I've never been to Cameroon but you've shown me a piece of it in your story. I can't really fault anything in this chapter.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

SteveLB wrote 865 days ago

This is very well written and very skillfully evokes the scenes you describe. The characters are strong and the dialogue well put together.

A very enjoyable read.

Shelved for further reading

Steve

runestone0 wrote 871 days ago

Here in America one only sees coverage of the poverty, non-stop warfare and depravity of Africa. I'm so glad to be let into the vibrant intellectual life. It reminds me of the intellectual culture portrayed in 19th century Russia; poverty-stricken intellectuals in Crime and Punishment. How one lives in the world of ideas yet faces the bitter reality of poverty. Very refreshing and I'm learning a lot.

Jillylinton wrote 879 days ago

Descriptive, which makes it very easy for me to be where the characters are and I also like the quiet humor, especially in light of the important topics it touches on.

Caroline Hartman wrote 880 days ago

Dear Dago Siko,
I found your novel a pleasant surprise, very intellectual and well done. The way you use words, your voice, is refreshing. My life has been so easy compared to of what you write, and my college days, those days of such strong beliefs, have faded into jaded memories However, 'Diamonds..." brought back memories of the raw intensity of that time in my life. Your charaterizations, your pacing, the rhythm of language enhanced the story, and right from the beginning I sensed an undercurrent of anxiety. My only suggestion is to perhaps in the novel itself meniton earlier the exact geographic location of he story. I am shelving 'Diamonds...' for its excellence. It will go far..
KC Hart
Summer Rose

cat5149 wrote 882 days ago

Hi Dago,

This is a very distinctive book and deserves to do well on Authonomy. When I read I love to learn about different cultures and you've certainly done that. Your writing--prose, dialogue and description are all first rate. I also knew that you were using the rat as a metaphor, yet it disgusted me and drew me into the story all at the same time. Shelved.

Carol

FrancescaPolini wrote 882 days ago

I am so glad to have found this book. Love the topic and how you use sense of humour in a topic that could have been depressing. Really like the title too and the way you write. Excellent in so many way.s Backed with real pleasure.

C W Bigelow wrote 884 days ago

Dago, love the way you use the rat to symbolize the struggle and the fight to survive - how it depicts everything Alang hates but they are much alike it seems to me. Very nicely written with a very comfortable pace and found the descriptions excellent Look forward to reading some more. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

Tim Pertwee wrote 885 days ago

Hi Dago

I think your long pitch is one of the best I have read on this site. It is clear, outlines succinctly the main characters and their relationship, establishes the tone and ambitions of the book and (particularly with the last two sentences) provides a great hook.

I have only read the beginning so far but enjoyed what I have read. The scene with the rat is both grotesque and amusing at the same time. Because it is quite an extended scene I couldn’t help but view the rat as a metaphor for the downtrodden. Whether this is right or not probably doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you manage to place us very vividly in Alang’s world.

I do have a couple of nit-picks which I only mention because they are at the beginning of the book which is probably where you are going to have to hook an editor or agent. I wondered if you could find an alternative word to “dotted” for the shallow puddles. Dotted would be ok for raindrops, but puddles? In referring to the puddles, I would omit the word “literally” from “literally heaving with microscopic life”. I don’t think a puddle can literally heave. “Teeming with microscopic life” perhaps? And I don’t think you need the weak adverb “really” in “A rat in the bathroom was not really a strange occurrence…” It adds nothing.

This is an ambitious and original book which I am happy to shelve.

Tim

Leigh Fallon wrote 886 days ago

This instantly appealed to me. I have a soft spot for all things African. The opening chapter is brilliant. I'm upto chapter 3 and still enjoying. You have a really great writing style that I feel comfortable with and your charactors really come alive off the page.
Enjoyed and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

JD Revene wrote 887 days ago

Dago,

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Thank you for your support of Appetites.

Starting with the pitch. Your short version, doesn't quite work for me: the wording 'under a visions', I think throws me. But the long pitch is great. I was initially unsure about the opening line--a little too strident?-which reminds me of Bono introducing Bloody Sunday, but the whole is so good . . .

Into the work proper. Chapter one I've read without taking a single note. Great stuff with an easy flow.

There's an amount of exposition but it's neatly handled not slowing the story down.

Three chapters in and I have little to offer by way of constructive critique.

To be honest not the sort of work that I would read, but undoubtedly well written.

Shelved.

DurbanSun wrote 887 days ago

Dago,
this is quite an intriguing book. As I am very interested in Africa this was interesting for me to read. I think that at times the tempo of the story needs to be picked up to keep the reader engaged but overall the strength of the story compels the reader. There are also some minor grammar errors that need to be ironed out. But once these are fixed I think this should climb up the charts. Backed.
Best of luck.
Kiran
(Squash Diary)

sjbal wrote 887 days ago

Hi Dago,
This is a real gem - shelved.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

pialia wrote 890 days ago

Dago:

I backed this a few days ago and just have time to leave you a note. The opening is strong with immediate immersion in Alang's environment. We learn of his likes, dislikes, his position in society. Then we meet Eddy, who is a calculating womanizer, and I think you have done a great job with characterization, keeping them consistent yet surprising. The debate over whether Africa should be re-colonized is such an explosive issue that I have trouble believing anyone would argue in favor of it. But I'll be interested to see how it plays out. The writing has depth and local flavor. It's an impressive work so far.

Jeanne

Strayer wrote 890 days ago

Who would ever think that a rat would draw the reader into the story? I would like to read the rest of this because I want to know how it ends. This was a great read and I enoyed the book. The writing is smooth and easy to understand.

fifi wrote 891 days ago

This is really very good indeed. I have to confess that I wasn't particularly looking forward to it as I thouight it might be a bit 'worthy', but you had me in the first 500 words & I just kept reading. The characters are real and engaging, the sense of place drags you right in. Although you fgeel sympathy for the poverty of some of the characters because they don't pity themselves, you don't get the whole condescending charity case feeling that these sort of things so often generate.
Most definitely backed & I really feel I've found another WHY ISN'T THIS PUBLISHED book.
A couple of miinor points - there are the odd words & phrases that either aren't spelt right or with the wrong sense. You might want to get someone else to take a look at it to pick them up.
Also your pitch is not great (hence why I was so unsure of this.) The opener is OK, the introduction of the characters is OK but cut the rest of it.
The very best of luck with this, it deserves to get right up there.
Fi. :-)

Brian Ford wrote 892 days ago

Dago. First of all I found your pitch intriguing but slightly confusing at the same time. All in all I think it contains slightly too much information, and you could think about working on it a little. I then read chapters 1 to 6, and enjoyed them very much. You have a fine talent for characterisation. I feel I can see these characters instanty and hear their different voices. The only slight doubt I have concerns the opening. It's excellent and evocative writing, but choosing the rat episode as your opening paras possibly comes across as a stereotype of poverty. As you say in your pitch, this is not a book about poverty. These are minor quibbles. This is already very good. With a little polish I think it could be truly excellent. Shelved. Good luck with it.

Tony Lewis wrote 892 days ago

Interesting pitch that, with its final paragraph, plunges us immediately into what’s in store in an alien world we know very little about, or what we do know is conveniently filtered for our own benefit. I found the rat scene excellent in so many ways – it told us so much.

Your scene-setting and character creation are excellent: just enough detail to enable us to feel part of it, but not too much to be overloaded with detail. And every detail is included in such a way that counts.

I spotted a few punctuation errors here and there, but we’re all guilty of that! All in all, I found the first four chapters well-written, both intriguing and insightful and I backed it as it is something very different to much of what is on the site. Good luck with it.

Tony (If Only I Could Talk – a Canine Adventure)

AlanMarling wrote 896 days ago

Dear Dago Siko,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I appreciate your dimensioned depiction of Africa, a place that often only receives negative media in too many countries. You also have outstanding pitches. After giving a firm nod to your opening paragraphs, I skipped to chapter seven. Here you describe the amusing courtship of Adeline by Dr. Atem. I also couldn’t stop reading about the over-the-top courtship of Cecile’s boyfriend.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your narrative flow even better by adding a speaker attribution to the line “So if someone tries to brain you….” as the speaker is unclear. Also, I believe a typo snuck into you story in “inspired inspiration.” Also, a capital escaped you in “leaning forward.” A few dialog lines don’t have their end punctuation, starting with “Tell me”

These small matters aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

lisawb wrote 896 days ago

Great insight into another culture. Good character building and nice descriptions, not so nice of the dying rat!!! Seriously a good read and very interesting. There is a passionate feel about the read and it is easy to engage and get into. It is compelling and I shall probably return to read more.

Shelved with ease.

ww Lisa

S Ridley wrote 898 days ago

Every character I've read, so far, is filled with brilliance and contain thier own distinctive voice. You've got a great sense of story and writing. I found no nits.
Enjoyed every bit I read. I will be reading further to see how these characters intertwine.

S. Ridley

jfreedan wrote 898 days ago

I believe your writing accurately describes the setting and creates believable characters. I will say that your pitch does introduce the characters, but it is vague on what the central plot of the book is about. You may want to consider tightening the pitch, as a good pitch can be used to build your query letter for agents and publishers.

I've only read a few chapters so far, but I have enjoyed your writing so I am backing.

maryinflorida wrote 899 days ago

Dago,
Your “Diamonds and Real Gems” thrusts the reader into an unfamiliar world when Alang steps on a rat, squirming underfoot on the gravel of a rugged bathroom, all while he carries a bucket of water. While many folks in the USA experienced this kind of life in the 1930s (my own parents) by the end of World War II, with rural America loosing workers to the automobile factories, things changed as big cities got bigger, among them plumbing. But I digress.

Alang hates rats, flies and mosquitos, and he’s horrified to have a squished dying rat lying in his bathroom. He retrieves a broken rake to scoop it up, but the rat lingers, squeaking. It manages to flee to a corner. Alang forces it out into the open, all the while it screeches and he howls from this primeval fear he has. At last, he succeeds in tossing the rat out of the building. He ties the door shut and uses what’s left of the water to bathe. He thinks of the essay he’s writing on famine, all the while himself hungry. His father has spent years slaving away to earn enough money to pay for University educations for his children, even if it meant they sometimes had little to eat. Jacob finished a degree in physics the previous year and this was to be Alang’s final year.

Alang is dressing to meet Mr. Senjo, a man who’s mentored him since secondary school, as they both desire social change. Mr. Senjo’s world is affluent and very different from his own. Alang lives in three worlds: that of his family and their poverty, that of his peers and their big dreams, and that of his dreams, where he’s a prince. He hides his poverty well and befriends people who never hear him speak of it, as his intelligence overrides his hunger.

He uses his last hundred franc coin to take a taxi to Mr. Senjo’s home with it’s fancy gated entry. Mrs. Senjo receives him warmly. He’s there to prepare for a UNESCO club debate on a controversial topic: Should Africa be re-colonized? The Prime Minister of Cameroon was scheduled to attend and the school hoped to squelch the risky topic, but after a news leak and the PM’s office confirming his attendance, the debate was still on. Even so, the school’s Rector has made it clear there should be no personal attacks. Alang was an avid reader and could debate extemporaneously with ease. He’s preparing more carefully for this debate because his senior club members are split on where they stand on the issue. His lead opponent is Eddy – wealthy, flashy, good-looking and a chic-magnet. He hardly cares about the Club, having joined just six months earlier in a rare effort to win a girl who didn’t fall at his feet. Clearly, Alang is envious.

Mrs. Senjo brings him snacks and juice and finally Mr. Senjo makes his appearance. Alang explains the reason for his visit. He’s opposed to re-colonization and needs to pick Senjo’s brain. Hours later, toting 3 big books, Alang leaves and Senjo gives him a thousand franc note for his taxi. To Senjo, it’s nothing; to Alang it will solve many problems.

Your take topics that would normally be found on page twenty of my newspaper and bring them to life in sympathetic characters, with terrific description and settings, and easy dialog. I’ll move this to my bookshelf.
Mary


Rosali Webb wrote 899 days ago

Dago
This could be turned in to a film. I can envisage it all now. You do a fine job of evoking Africa in its truest light. I remember the metal sheeted toilets, the small children living with nothing but mastering English better than a lot of English children! This book is a breath of fresh air. Hopefully the start of a long line of them. Well done. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Jupiter Echoes wrote 899 days ago

An interesting premise. Actually, your premise was marked by big words and intelligent writing. I could back you on your premise alone!

The work begins strangely, with the rat. It was real encounter that shook me out of reality. BAM!
This is good. Too many books feel artificial, but this had an edginess in the writing which was reality.

Your style was a competent as Kuzuo Ashiguro (can never remember how to spell it). YOu linger well in the moment. Much better than i can. So i learnt something today.

BACKED

J. G. Reynolds wrote 899 days ago

Hi Dago
This is hugely impressive. Lovely flowing prose which sticks in the mind after you've read, good paced action and a fabulous sense of place. I like this a lot and really hope it goes somewhere for you as you've clearly worked very hard on it. Backed.
Hope you're tip top,
JG Reynolds (Head, Heart & Trousers).

DBraverman wrote 900 days ago

Hi Dago,

I just read the first chapter of DIAMONDS AND OTHER GEMS and found it fascinating. I can't wait to go back for more. It is a real gem! I'm happy to back it, and appreciate your offer to do a swap read.

Best wishes,
Douglas Braverman
A TASTE OF VOODOO

S.D. Gillen wrote 900 days ago

Your pitch had me in a heartbeat. I'm not sure its good or not, I just know it was something I would like. I like how Alang considers himself a warrior. He is a great character and the rat grossed me out too.
Eddie is a likable character as well. I want to smack him, being I'm a girl, but he's fun to read about and he thinks fast on his feet.
I have yet to get to the rest of the characters, but if they are as intriguing as the first two, this book will fly on the shelves after being published. I think the storyline is excellent. I can't wait to read more.

SD Gillen

Pat Black wrote 900 days ago

Hi there - a real find, this one, a genuine voice and a vision of the future as much as a modern-day parable. The story with the rat in chapter one was strong - I could almost smell the toilet and felt Alang's sympathy for the poor creature. Then we move into Alang's dialogue with Mr Senjo and their political viewpoints - with a hint of Eddy, and the contrasting figure he cuts with Alang. Excellent stuff

Pat Black
Snarl

BL Phillips wrote 901 days ago

Diamonds and Real Gems-

Great opening and very accomplished writing. A joy to read.

Maybe correct your title to capitalize Real Gems? Good job -Brad (Larcenous Tendencies)

Howard Matthews wrote 901 days ago

Very realistic and evocative. I think you're probably ready for a re-read and an edit. (I'm at that stage now. All the stuff I thought absolutely fine I now see doesn't flow) just a few examples:
Chapter 2 He always came down every weekend” don't think you need always and every in the same sentence.
“When he had first had to go to..” too many had?
“Just when it was looking more than likely that he would “ Could there be a neater way?
She headed towards the door where he stood- - we'd been told earlier that he was leaning on the door.

Just details I know but that's good because the story and the setting are eminently readable so backed for that.

Good luck.

Howard
He's Dead, You Idiot

maitreyi wrote 901 days ago

I love the way the Mofors and the Senjos are introduced. Starting with the shock of the rat and then placing Alang within his house and family before taking him off to the Senjos is a really good structure.

I never felt I was being given an exposition - it all seemed part of the story, as it should - and yet at the end of chapter 1 i am equipped to move on into the plot already acquainted with a good cast of characters.

very good. backed.
xx
m
THE ETON MOTHERS' HANDBOOK

ALPACAJUNCTION wrote 901 days ago

Africa has its problems. Most of the world is ignorant of them. Your book opens up a view into a different culture and displays problems not known to many living in "civilized" lands. I enjoyed your writing style and the way you describe surroundings and the chaacters themselves. Very good book and backed. Regards, Gordond

Ariel Du Plume wrote 902 days ago

Dago, I love the way you write. It is as expressive as Africa herself! I enjoyed a couple of pages and had a good laugh. Your descriptions are excellent and not over done. Backed.

Regards
Ariel

RSA wrote 903 days ago

Hi Dago,

Diamonds and Real Gems deals with serious issues, but the way you approach them is fresh and interesting. I love the proud, strong character of Alang, and how you put a character like Eddy alongside him to make the differences in the personalities and worlds really pop. You descriptions are fantastic. I felt transported. Best of luck and on my shelf,

Rachael (Swimming in Fountains)

p.s.- a few specifics:
"There were shallow puddles dotted" I think removing 'there were' would make the sentence stronger.
I loved the part about Alang living in three worlds, one of which is in his mind, and the way you had him wait five minutes to drink the juice to show his discipline.
I think there are some places that need additional commas.

Chuckster wrote 903 days ago

What a gripping first couple of chapters. Sorry so late ijn getting to this. I've been working on another novel.
Anyway, you did very well with this. I could see what Alang was experiencing and I must say, I feel so bad for him. Backed with pleasure as I'm confident this will do well at the editors desk!!!