Paradox

I just finished chapter eleven, and wanted to say that I love the banter he has with himself, and how he finds himself annoying. Also the scene in the bathroom was particularly captivating. One little thing I found...chapter 2 was a little hard to read with all the information. The rest so far is brilliant.

Morgan H.

Elvis,
I've just started reading this. You have drawn me in with the protagonist and I want to read all that you have posted. There is a lot of information in the first couple of chapters and I don't want to miss a thing, so I am going to take my time reading so I can give you a proper comment.
Chapter one through four, lots of good information and intelligent writing. The pitch is good, and makes me want to read more. I'm not good with detailed edits as I am not an editor, just a reader.
Morgan H.

Elvis, you are a masterful intellectual writer. The topic is a tricky one to tackle but the level you have elevated this work to, shows its potential to become a great piece of literary fiction. The meticulousness you have shown for detail says much about the extensive research you have done prior to writing. I am very impressed, as this is a rough work (in your words, not mine), I will keep coming back for reads.

Good work, high stars from me.

Linda
Threads of Time

Paradox

Your first chapter achieves the all-important goal: I am interested and want to read more. I think you've built a story around something that is universally intriguing, and yet you've managed to stay away from cliches, so well done on that. The piece is obviously lit fic, but holds a solid plot and clear direction, which can sometimes be difficult or unnecessary in this genre. All that to say this: it's good and I like it.

One nit pick regarding chapter one. The last line, "What lay ahead was much worse." I would shorten to, "It was much, much worse." More biting in my opinion. We already know what you are referring to, and you also don't have to repeat the "what lay ahead" part. Just a thought.

I am torn about what to say regarding chapter two. While all of the information was extremely interesting, and you do a good job of peppering in some dialogue from the professor so that it doesn't read like a textbook, I am still unconvinced that this section fits. Is all of that detailed information absolutely necessary to the plot? If not, I would clip out the parts that aren't. If it is, I applaud you and would love to read how all of this ties in to your story and your MC.

Again, I'm not sure what to say, because although it is long and tedious, it is a big reason why I kept reading; wondering where you could be going with all that information. I will say that if this book were physically in my hands, as opposed to digitized on an annoying-to-read-screen, I probably would have less of an issue with it. I find that with most books on authonomy, we are less willing to put up with things that we wouldn't even think twice about in a traditional novel simply because we're tired of uncomfortably staring at a computer screen .

Again with chapter three there was a lot of information, but the traveling back in time paradox was so interesting, I didn't care. I was going to say that this would be a good time to break up the meetings with the professor so the story doesn't stagnate, but then I reached chapter four and realized you had already done that.

Chapter four and five are beautiful. I also want to let you know that after each I kept trying to convince myself to stop reading, as I have a lot to do today and am very backed up on return reads. But I couldn't, and ended up reading up to chapter seven. So, that's pretty cool.
(Of course, stories about drugs and depression are sort of my niche).

Chapter six is in an excellent spot to bring us back to where we were and really build the tension about who the girl is. I found myself with a few theories and was constantly questioning, theorizing, and second-guessing myself. So, great job, there.

I wish you the best with this, and hope that there is something in this review that you find helpful or encouraging.

-Katy
The Promenade

Elvis, am reading chapter two and the unfolding events and yes, I am glad I watchlisted it and when have finished reading to where I can, no doubt I will star rate you as you deserve. A great story told by a creative voice. I enjoyed him describing himself as average and sneakingly suspicious no one had turned up for the interview. It's humorous and also thoughtful!
Well done.
Josphine

Hi Elvis, I've been reading your book with great interest.
It's a tricky subject to tackle, I wouldn't want to attempt it. You've managed to do it brilliantly, convincing me in chapter two that you as the author, have studied the subject matter hard and know what you're talking about.
This is much better than the usual 'person wishes something while holding a piece of wood from Africa and shifts time.' I'm sure you know the kind that I'm on about.
You are at a high ranking and still going up so you really need this book polished to perfection, when it hits that editors desk.
A few things you need to clean up:
I was going to say that agents don't like digits, they prefer you to spell numbers. It is reasonable (in your second chapter) to have to use digits as you have so many numbers, it would be distracting to have to read every word.
However there is a paragraph where you use both '29 days' then 'four years' choose which to use and be consistent.
Chapter two: "It all seemed to be just a matter of perspective." Should this say seems, as it is dialogue.
Chapter five: Some words are in smaller, different font. There maybe a reason but I couldn't work it out.
Please don't mind that I point out these tiny errors. If everyone points out just one, our books become edited in no time. I hate trawling over and over my own book searching for them, I hope this is helpful.
I'll read some more over the next few days, the vet has just rang me to say my dog has to be put down, sadly.
Pollyanna Pilsbury. 'Marsupeople'.

Eek! Okay, just finished chapter one. It started off a touch slow for me, sorry! BUT picked right up towards the end. Theoretical physics is one of my favorite fields and this is heading straight that way. Great work, great writing. Can't wait to keep reading. Highly starred and backed soon!

Cheers,
Bre
Memoria

I like the story, but I think much of the first chapter could be either eliminated or fed to us in pieces later. It seems to dawdle instead of gaining momentum. But I know you're working it out and I hope this helps. Backed!

PARADOX
I thought when I read the pitch for this, because it seemed to have a philosophical bent, it was going to be a confusing read. What a great surprise to begin to read it and find your writing style easy to read. And the subject and characters very interesting. Good job. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Elvis,

This is splendid stuff, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first two chapters.
I do wonder, for a reader that does not find the concepts of time in any way interesting, that they may not have bothered to get this far.
I like your two characters, especially the wonderful professor.
I see that one of your favorite books was Thief of Time - was it that one? - by Terry Pratchett. Was any inspiration gained from this source?

Well done
Warrick

Hi Elvis
I realize this is literary fiction, so my comments might not count for much because I tend to like fast-paced thrillers. You have some wonderful turns of phrase, and descriptions. I’m intrigued by the concept, because I don’t think anyone has really captured the possibilities of consequences of time travel yet. You have taken on a considerable challenge, and your extensive narrative with little dialogue and action sequences is very unusual. Congratulations for the work you have put into this.
From my limited perspective, I’d offer you the following feedback:
Title: Seems appropriate to the story
Short Pitch: It’s fine as is, but I couldn’t help but put a thriller spin on it: “Some things should never be disturbed. Especially by people who have no idea what they’re doing.”
Long Pitch: I liked it, except I think it would be better without the last line Paradox… and the warning.
Ch1: I usually associate italics with first person thinking, so I’m not certain what the purpose of the italics is in the first para. Should it be outside the chapter with a few spaces after it?
The next nine paras are both long and about the same length, and are basically an info dump on the protagonist character. Yes, I like getting into the character’s POV and you have a distinct, effective voice for your character. But it would be great to intersperse the narrative with more dialogue and action. This equally applies to all the chapters that I read.
After the first para, it would be great to get straight into the action. “It all began like the day I was hired to work on the Paradox project…”
And then get into the interview with Prof Tate.
Ch2: I quite enjoyed reading about the development of time measurement. But it also seemed a little like an info dump. Very long, and delaying action.
Ch3: Easier to read because it is dialogue. Also, the concepts here are more interesting than in Ch2 because it is about the consequences of manipulating time.
Ch4: Stil not sure what the italics mean. I’m afraid I didn’t understand this chapter. Was he dreaming? Lost in space?
Ch5: Still confused.
Ch6, 7: I get that the time machine works, and things are starting to happen.
Best of luck with your writing, Elvis.

Intriguing pitch/synopsis and a good read. Love the subject material (though I'm highly biased). Well written; clean flow, with interesting little details that almost seem taken straight out of my life (how'd you do that? It's that spy cam in my toothbrush again, isn't it?). However, I found the whole idea of a Physics major actually landing a real job (that pays actual money) completely preposterous and TOTALLY unbelievable (totally). I myself (fyi, Physics major), would never even mention the subject anywhere near the front of a novel (or in conversation, job interviews, eulogies, comedy sketches, grocery lists, limericks, etc.), unless I wanted to clear the room/bookstore/church/stage/grocery store/latrine (etc.). Maybe something a bit more vacuous and 'warm and fluffy', like a puppy kennel with a mysterious mantle clock that dispensed kibble and gives joy rides through time, that sort of thing. 'Gotta dumb it down and draw the reader in with lots of hooks'... Or so I am constantly being told ...

Hey, this is a good piece. Maybe slightly on the dense side at the outset with background details for the formulaic critic, though I personally found it hard to put down (again, highly biased, and more than a little unnerved by the details of my life you've now exposed). Think fluffy puppies, weddings, funerals, alien death rays splitting the world in half trying to steal the time-jumping thingy...

Minor typo? Ch1, "First though, I should go back a back" (a bit?)

Best of luck with this !
Steve
'At the Narrow End of Time'

- Paradox -

(chapters one to four)

Some very tight writing, intellectual writing here with a nice tone and good dialogue.

The first chapter feels especially polished. The kind of lazy/nihilistic voice of the main character is set well from the start and we have a good sense of wo he is. Personally, I would have liked one or two examples or minor anecdotes about those jobs, years at university etc. to bring it alive for me but that could just be my taste.

Nitpick in chapter one: missing commas around 'however' in 'Once there however things changed'.

I enjoyed the discussion of time as a man-made product, or not, here and am relatively certain I had a similar conversation with someone while four beers to the good a while back. This was certainly interesting and well-researched but it did seem a lot of information at once. I wondered whether it could be broken up a little by, for example, the Professor asking questions, things happening in the office or the Professor digressing from the conversation now and then.

Nitpicks:

- The 'then' in the first paragraph could be killed without losing anything.

- I think there should be a comma before the term of address 'my boy', this goes for the same thing in chapter four as well.

Chapter three follows much the same pattern as two and my opinion would be the same there as well. I must admit, I found the science hard to follow here as there did seem to be a fair bit of it heaped on.

Nitpick: 'He' shouldn't be capitalised in 'Tell me your understanding of it,' He said.

Chapter four gets a little darker, some very nice turns of phrase and that jaded feel of the character in the first chapter seems to be developing into misanthropy, very effectively too.

Again, well-written, intellectual and enjoyable.

All the best with it,

Ross

Elvis

I had to stop reading this at chapter 6. It was so close to some of my life experiences. The trying to die but not quite succeeding, the aimlessness, the quandries...the restless angst.

I loved everything I read - especially loved the way the 'slimfast santa' and the protagonist develop their relationship. Extremely enjoyable read. I hope to come back to it, and finish reading it one day. One day when I am no longer bothered about seeing myself reflected so very clearly.

I hope this gets published, its the kind of book I would want on my real bookshelf.

Samragi

Hello Elvis,

I've read the first two chapters so far, and I like it :} To me it has an unique characteristic which I haven't seen in other books. The way you write the history of time is symbolic of how the MC grows as a person. On the surface it may seem like a bunch of facts, but I think it goes deeper than that. The reader is taken along the thought process of the MC, placing him or her in the ROLE of the MC. How is cool is that :}. Six-stars!

Haven't finished reading this yet, but I'm backing it on the strength of what I've read - strength being the operative word. I'm fascinated by the information, and impressed by your ability to dole out the guts of it in manageable pieces, interlarded with chunks of character insight. I'm also impressed by the contrast and energy in the time-travel.

"I used to like it here. I used to walk on hot, golden sand, running backward from the cool spray. ..."

THAT's where you should start this story. That would make a killer first line! And what comes after is intriguing-makes you ask questions about the character. As is, I think you are giving too much dry information (although I find all of this stuff fascinating, it still has to presented in an interesting way) at the beginning. You need to get the reader interested in the characters and then you can feed them stuff you want to say about time. IMHO. I don't mean this to sound harsh at all. I think you have a good story here, you just have to engage the reader sooner.

Hope my comments help!

P.S. Am keeping this on my watchlist and will read more later.

Dense and powerful writing with the occasional jaw dropper of a phrase - and I mean that in a good way. There's nothing I've read here to take issue with - except Bagpuss. I do wonder how far and for how long that cultural reference will travel :)

Anyway, this deserves much more attention than it has received here so far and I wish you all the very best with it.

I've been told giving six stars is counter-productive, so I've given you five and will definitely recommend you to friends.

Cheers

Evie

Wow - very cool cover design. Love the short intro...very intriguing!

I love your first chapter. Your voice and command of first person POV is so well done. It delves into the character’s thoughts and feelings really well, but moves along without dwelling too long on those thoughts. Really great.

I also really love the intro in italics. It’s aesthetic, and once again it captures that deep-thought-centered first-person POV beautifully. This is one reason I love reading first-person POV.

The story flows really well, and by the end of the chapter when we reach the scene of the MC starting his research on time. I’m intrigued and want to read on.

Fabulous. Beautiful.

Good luck with this book project!

-Sarah ES

An amazing book, packed with scientic facts and interesting theories about the possibility of time travel. It goes on to become a rather unique and descriptive manuscript full of adventure and Paradox.
I liked it, youre backed! 6 stars
Junetee (Four Corners)

Elvis: I finished reading what you have posted and enjoyed it a lot. Lots going on that made me want to keep reading.
Rich-Cool1

Elvis: I have only had the time to reaad the first seven chapters of Paradox and enjoy how the story is going. I will read the rest as soon as I can, but backed it based on what I have read so far. it is a good one!
Best of luck,
Rich - Cool1

very nice. I'd say I like this more than Sigma. There are not many writers up here that write like you I think. Distinct style, I would read this in its entirety if I didn't have to read it on a computer screen. Ever had any dealings with LSD? I am asking because at one point I got the feeling that could only be described as "this guy knows"...can't explain it otherwise.

a good writing style goes along way in making this a very good book]- interesting and original............
l have backed----
read SEASONS...

I could have sworn I left feedback on chapter one already, but it doesn't seem to be here anymore. Oh well, here's a summary of what I said:

Great chapter title, a bit on the depressing side, quite short as chapters go, wish i could get hired for a similar study, and I LOVE the description "Slimfast Santa".

Wow... Okay... This is definitely something I want to read when I get the chance. I'll keep you posted.

Life is a burnt out whore kicking out the street lights. I like this poetic line, however the word burnt implies the streetlights are also burnt out, its a bit confusing. Life is a burnt out whore, who preys during the dead black night, like a vulture does against the burnt out street lamps, killing her victium slowly. I mean added to it, but that way you don't use burnt in two different ways so closely togeather. I kind of messes with the visual, because a burnt out whore, and a burnt out light are so extremly different visuals. Spreading her soul instead of spreading her legs, was that intentional? because spreading her legs defentially gives me something to look at, her soul is a bit more abstract, but then again it does play with the spirituality aspect of sex, than just its physical nature. But I don't know if a burnt out whore, has enough soul to spread it around, and make a cum filled mess of it. I don't know if taudry sunlight works for me, I am not sure what taudry means, but behind another dirty cloud, was great and it really made a great visual of a dirty white cloud, and was connected back to the grimy words you wrote earlier. I am likeing this poetry segment better then the time lecture you had earlier, that felt a bit dragged onto me, I actually just skipped chapter four, and got to the time-travel. But this poetry is great. My hair gets pulled out but it always grows back, that made me laugh. its vain and just the kind of lightheartedness I was looking for. Really helps balance the darkness. umm some of the poetry could be cut, but most of it is good. and then realizing he was on earth, it was okay. Straightforward kind of, there isn't alot of feeling in it thought. he is kind of like just conveying the facts and there is no sense of personality or context, besides the earth not as pretty. I mean there is no I finally came to, and realized that I was wearing my ugliest pair of green shorts and my hair hand't grown back and I had a new wort on my thumb. It's missing that personal touch, like he looks at the dead scientist and there is no real, acknowledgement of them, like as he wipes away there hair from their eyes he remembers the first time they met, and then he pushed the thought aside. I have to survive he realized, and all his feelings were there bottled as if he couldn't feel at all, when in reality he was feeling so much that he was strung out between the reality, of what life was like yesterady and what life could be like tommarrow. Like give me more character, change, is harder or weaker, exited to finally be alive or is he still doom and gloom, otherwise it just feels a bit like info dumping.

I like ideally storking his beard, but in the next line you can cut amgonst. dust, I like that line you can even go further with it if you wanted to and be like you know people always complain to me that there is to much dust in this room but I don't realy find a problem with it, and how about you. oh let me just let you finish haking up that lung first. okay better, now lets just wave our hands in the air and let this haz settle. okay, now where were we. His line that time is always a made man construct strikes me as odd because if that were true we would never age. I love the professor he is so funny, he could even dose off there and be startled back awake, and be like sorry boy where did you come from, where was I , oh right and ummm just start again at the beginning. He is so great. So far my favorite character. I like his comment at the end that said it all is just a matter of perspective, I think that would be the agreed upon idea,

I love the first line, kalodiscope patters was a great word choice, and also a great beautiful visual for raindrops. It really creates the atmosphere of being contemplative. However the scrawny sun, when I think of scrawny I think of white boys who want to be gangsters. maybe weak sunlight, or thin rays of sunlight, but using scrawny to describe light doesn't really create a visual for me. When you say I blink and its gone, are you speaking about the water still? this was a bit ambegous for me. Work let me down because it felt like work, nice line, and it lightens the mood for a bit and is really cute. I like it. one day it all changed and life exceeded my expecatations, cut the rest of that line because its repedative. I like the conclusion line at the above paragraph for perspective but that line is just repeating what above expectations mean. when you say average color between brown and black I assume you are talking about your hair but it comes off a bit clumsy because the subject is with the clause above, I would cut one of those clauses and combine the line so that either you say the character's hair length was average, or their color was average. I love that you said the character's intelligence was high but that was metigated, that was sort of undercut to maintain the averageness of it, you could go in the other direction and have the character call himself average except for his super high intelligence which for some reason never seemed to amount to much except for boredm (sp?) either way works. I like giving him a little self-esteem thought, otherwise he sounds like he one sentence away from a gun to the head. Scrapping thorugh a physics degree, hello, does anyone scrape through a physics degree and not be a genuis, I worked my ass off on physics 101 and still got a c. I mean the guy knows he is smart, don't hide it give us some smugness, and some yah, I smarter than the average male and when I hitting on girl's subtly laying in my SAT scores, but getting laid and getting drunk is far from a life of satisfaction. I mean I want to hear this man's cockyness, give him something to hold on to, even if it is shallow. Make him a bit ugly, say ya there were girl's around there were guys around hell even a few of my teacher's wanted me, and ya I enjoyed it, who won't but at the end of the day it was still just me staring down the bottle. and thought that bottle was dry with no wit, and nastyass backwash at the bottom it still won every time. I have to go, its my mom's birthday. but I am going to read the rest. So far the writing is good, and I like depressing characters.

Hello Elvis McPherson,

I read about five chapters so far and I think you have a great concept. Besides being a story based on time travel you also have done a good amount of research; as is evident by the first chapter. With these positive characteristics in mind, I do have a few suggestions :}.

In chapter one, I think the story would flow better if you somehow educated the reader about time in a different format. I love this educational concept, since it adds to the plot, but perhaps it might be equally effective if you gradually tell the reader this information over a longer time span. I think as it stands now, this section interrupts the flow of the story.

Another trend I noticed was how you quickly jumped from scene to scene. I understand that you were trying to describe the main character's emotions, and I think you did that very well :}. However, in the process I think you may have mistakenly put describing the settings in more detail to the side. As I read through the story, I couldn't imagine the scenery.

Overall, I think you have the ability to greatly improve on the above, as if evident by your strong characterization and writing style. I'm giving ya top stars for a great concept, plot, and potential!