Book Jacket

 

rank 5468
word count 12349
date submitted 05.09.2009
date updated 14.09.2009
genres: Fiction, Harper True Life, Comedy, ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Tuesday Night on Pluto

Alan Brady

Blackmail, fraud and the boss from hell suffering a mid-life crisis - and that's just Ralph Murray's work life.

 

Thirty-three year old Ralph's passion for golf and his wife Haley's passion for Gucci mean that they have built a mountain of debt. Meanwhile, Ralph's boss, Alex Brice is having an affair with his PA but is terrified of being hammered in a divorce court. Fifty-four year old Albert Fagan also works under Brice, hates the man, but is content with a simple life of soap operas, mugs of tea and correspondences with a Russian bride-for-hire scammer named Valerie. Soon, Fagan uncovers Brice's secret, begins spying on him and builds a secret dossier of his movements, while Ralph uncovers Haley's spending sprees, the wad of unopened bills and now there's another baby on the way. He fires the au pair, ditches the jeep and begins embezzling his employer. Denims and hair dye have made Brice a new man. His speech is loaded with talk of downloads, iPods and Shakira. But Fagan has done his work and soon begins his blackmailing. Ralph's embezzlement is eventually uncovered. To avoid jail he's blackmailed by Brice and becomes enmeshed in Fagan and Brice's sordid world, only now there is the added hazard of lurking Russian mafia hit-men.

 
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tags

black comedy, comedy, fiction, modern fiction, modern life

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6 comments

 

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andyroo wrote 918 days ago

Good bit of fun this. An enjoyable read.

Andrew

Freddie Omm wrote 934 days ago

great premise and pacy writing here are slightly let down by your pitch, which you could tighten up and split into shorter paras .

having said that, the appeal of this is in the manic energetic glee of the narrative, so i'm happy to shelve this.

freddie
("honour")

soutexmex wrote 956 days ago

I read the first couple of chapters. The only thing I can fault you on is that some of the paragraphs run a bit longer than they need to. It kills the pacing and therefore the interest in your story. I write in the same genre and pacing is everything.

The pitches? The short pitch is brilliant. The longer pitch needs some editing. These are your sales tools. Wanna grab the casual reader? SELL them as to why you need to be read. I was not sold on this pitch.

You do have solid story so that works in your favor. SHELVED!

I do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Bob Steele wrote 959 days ago

The pitch for Tuesday Night on Pluto rather put me off - too much information to digest. I'd suggest a broader overview of the storyline with a few key milestones and three or four main characters. This is to hook my interest, not to summarize the whole book in 200 words or less.
Apart from that, I really liked your tongue-in-cheek narrative. Without being obvious you've conveyed the nuts and bolts of your characters, though they perhaps need a bit more fleshing out before I can really 'see' them and get inside their heads. You use more descriptive qualifiers than I normally like, but you make them work for their living - 'psychotic peacock' and 'Duracell hamster' appealed to me. A good proof read is advisable ['anybody normal person'; 'likely hood' and other typos] but when polished up this has great potential, so I'm backing it. Good luck.

edquinn wrote 960 days ago

'Even when he won a luxury hamper..' Great line. I think the words luxury hamper always bring a smile to my face, even though it might be filled with jellied fruit.

I would change the adverbs 'calmly' 'casually' 'blushed slightly' ...there has been much discussion on the forums about the use of adverbs.....it's not 'a rule' to eliminate all...but when you change the adverb to more dexcriptive writing you will find a world of difference and you won't leave the reader wondering what you meant with those 'ly' words.

Backed with pleasure.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

zenup wrote 981 days ago

I'm totally sold on that title. Brilliant. Pitch is intriguing. I had some reservations about Ch 1: Alex calls Fagan in, they exchange insults, Fagan is insolent, Alex backs down, ("why don't you get the hell back to your desk"), end of chapter. So far I've met two unpleasant characters & am wondering about the humour. Just an observation. In any comic situation I look for some character I can identify with, good, bad, loser, whatever. Still, the setup has plenty of potential so, backed for now.

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